“It’s a little unfair questioning someone still a little dippy on painkillers.”
~~~~~
The older of the police officers looks a little frustrated, “So, this whole thing is a shaggy dog story then, you managed to cause this all by accident?”
“um, yessir...” seems like this is the safest route out of this mess for me...
“You are lucky no one was more seriously hurt,” what happened to good cop-bad cop, these two have been as bad as each other, “this could have gotten much worse for you if it...”
“What do you two think you’re doing in here!? He’s only 12. Get out!” Soo nice having the nurses shouting at someone not-me for a change.
“We were just leaving anyway.” These two are...
“Got everything we need now.” ... really creepy.
“Wait! Um... is everyone else alright?” that’s the right socially conscious thing to say isn’t it?... “Like, Knife and them?”
“As far as we know, Knife-” wow that’s a shitty way to say it... “- broke a few ribs, but they are the only one with anything more than bruises and scratches.” ... well shit...
“Is that everything? Good, now you two gentlemen can get the hell off of my ward.”
As soon as the goons are away and the door closed she turns to me with a smile, “now then, how are you feeling kiddo, leg hurting at all, anything else I can do to help?”
“ummm I’m fine, it’s fine...” wish everyone would just leave me alone... is it that easy? “could I just have some time to myself, no one coming to bother me...”
“Of course kiddo, you’ve got the call button if you need me for anything. Now your case worker will be round later, you want me to let them in or stall them? And do you want the lights off?”
... She’s letting me have a say in what’s going on... “um let them in I guess, fighting them never helped before... and yes please, no lights thank you.” ...smile back you idiot...
~~~~~
...You really fucked up pretty bad this time idiot, never managed to get someone else hurt before...
...
... That’s not going to go down well...
~~~~~
“- Well Gotthard, it seems you’ve had quite the exciting first week of school here.”
“I guess, I thought I just fucked up like usual.”
“It could have happened to anyone kiddo.” He’s pretty good at this faking sympathy thing.
“Happened to me though, happened cause of me.” ... shits always happening cause of me...
“Well you’re not in any trouble from us, and I hope you get back on your feet soon. Now is there anything you need from me now, or should we see you when you get discharged?”
“I’m fine, not like I can do much of anything with my leg up like this.”
“Okay then, well I’ll see you when the butchers are ready to release you.”
~~~~~
*Knock~Knock*
... can’t I get a few hours of peace today... “Do come in...”
Oh, it’s the current fosters... great, probably come to tell me they want rid...
“How are you feeling sweetie?” ... How does she think I feel..
“How do you think I feel?”
“Like you got run over by a car?” ...What?! What the hell is wrong with him?
...
“Not funny then?” ... wish I didn’t have my leg trussed up like this, so much easier to get people to go away when I can actually turn my back on them...
“No dear, that’s a step too far for most kids.”
...
...
...
... Awkward silences are awkward...
...
...
...
“Is there anything you’d like from home sweetie?” ... home? Ha...
...
“...Um, you might as well just bring everything here...”
...Confused looks?..
“Are you sure?”
“... Well it makes it all easier, so I don’t have to bother you when they let me out.”
...
...
“How exactly would you be ‘bothering us’ kiddo?” ...why is he, they doing this, making me have to say it...
“...Coming round your house to collect all my things before I get sent somewhere else...”
...
...
...
“...Why would you be sent somewhere else sweetie, has something happened?”
...
...what...
...
...
“... You don’t want rid of me?”
...
... They look hurt...
...
...Well, if they didn’t want rid before, they probably do now...
...
“Why would we?”
“It not like we’re fosters because we need the money kiddo.”
“We just want to help sweetie.”
...
“Why?”
...
“Because we can.”
“Isn’t that enough kiddo?”
...
...
...
“... But why me?”
...
...
...
“...Well sweetie, if we didn’t already think it, this conversation would have made it clear that you really need our help.”
“And love... in a purely familial sense... if you’d accept it.”
...
“...But...”
“Just go with it kiddo, you’ve had things shitty enough already, time for a change, doncha think?”
...
...
...Clearly, the painkillers haven’t worn off yet and this is all an hallucination...
...
...Nothing this good ever happens to me...
...
...
“Go away...”
...
“What was that kiddo?”
“Go away, please.”
...
...
“Are you sure sweetie?”
...
“...Yes, please leave me alone.”
...
“For now or for good?”
“... Whatever, now I guess, not like it matters, nothing this ‘good’ happens for real...”
...
...
“Oh, well kiddo it’s not all good, we are taking in another foster kid, once the docs release her.”
... That smirk of his is... irritating.
“Although, your caseworker says your files say you get on better when there’s other kids there to... distract your minders, so I guess it is still good for you?”
...
...
...yay?
...
“Oh, is that the start of a smile I see sweetie?”
...
“...no... please go away...”
...
...
“Alright kiddo, just ask the nurses to call us when you’d like us to come back.”
~~~~~
...
...
...
...
*Yawn*
...
...
“Morning sleepyhead.” I know that voice... I think...
...
“You are awake right? You’re not one of those weirdoes who can yawn while asleep and I’m talking to an empty room?”
...
...
...
“Seriously man, don’t be a dick, we need to talk, ideally before the jailors work out where I’ve gone.”
...
... That’s Knife...
...
... Please don’t have her be my new foster sib...
“Look, I know you probably feel shit over what happened, but it’s not that bad, really.”
...
...
...
“At least you didn’t turn the lights on on me.”
I’m not sure I would ever be able to adequately reproduce the sound she made as she jumped at me and wrapped herself round my neck.
“Ahhh crazy bitch, the fuck is wrong with you!?!”
“Ha, sorry broooo, we ain’t got that much time.”
...
... ‘Bro’
...
... Greaaaat
...
“So what do you want?”
“Is that any way to speak to your new sister?”
“Foster sister, and that’s only until I end up shipped off somewhere else, and get to the point.”
...
...
“You aren’t the most cheery kid around are you?”
...
... If I stare hard enough, could I make her burst into flames?
“Whatever, look I don’t hate you or anything. I mean, you were practically the definition of a bumbling idiot, but you did manage to get me free from that bastard, so thank you.”
...
... Why is she staring at me?
...
...
... Idiot, social platitude stuff.
“... Um... you’re welcome?”
“And don’t worry, I’m not trying to steal your fosters, they’re sticking me with them cause they’ve dealt with trans kids before.”
...
“Great, you can keep them occupied and ignoring me.”
“There’s no need to be sarcastic.”
“What sarcasm, I meant it entirely literally.”
...
...
“Nope, not gonna let them, you need parent’s that actually give a fuck.”
“Didn’t your dad ‘giving a fuck’ put us both in hospital?”
...
...
... Idiot, what did you say that for.
...
...
...
”Can we get a do over? Hi, I’m Gotthard Cymru.”
...
...
“Oookay... Hi, I’m Katelyn Knife, your new foster sister.”
...
“Katelyn?”
“Better than bloody Robert Smith Junior.”
...
“Sounds it.”
...
...
...
...
...
...
“So then broooo, are we going to have that weird pseudo-incest subtext thing people keep implying you’ve had with other foster sibs?”
“Eww, fuck no!”...
... Shit, didn’t mean to say it like that.
“...What, what fucking ‘Eww’ is there about it? Some ‘Filthy tranny’ thing or something? Huh?”
“... No, nothing like that.” ...There you go again you stupid fucking moron.
“Then you’d better have a bloody sensational excuse for that ‘Eww’ Chopshop.”
“I do, I really do...”
...Is that look cause she cares what I think?.. or cause she’s loaded on painkillers?..
“... it’s just that...
Drawing this out is probably not a good idea...
“...well...”
I am so getting slapped for this...
...
...
“...I’m Gay.”
...
~~~~~
Finis
~~~~~
...
...
...
(And yes, she did slap him... just lightly... well, wouldn’t you? ;)
~~~~~~~~~~
Well, this is a thing...
I wouldn’t mind some technical comments, how well the whole story makes sense and reads and the ilk. (especially the previous 5 chapters)
Also, Word’s spellchecker doesn’t recognise “tranny” as a real word, sooo... yay?
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Comments
Sorry
For me, there just weren't enough details with the plot or the characters for me to follow the story well.
...
Fair enough
I enjoyed the story... bizarre is good!
I liked the story but you asked for technical comments... I think the chapters were too short, they just got going when they ended. The time between postings was a bit too long. I had to go back and reread... fortunately being short chapters this wasn't difficult. The info provided was just enough to let my imagination flesh out the missing data but that can be off putting for some. Tranny is considered a slur by some, but used in context is okay. Most spellcheckers allow you to ADD words (I do so regularly). I have an online dictionary in my FAVORITES and double check there if I'm not sure of words before adding.
Like I said, I enjoyed the story and look forward to more!
Boys will be girls... if they're lucky!
Jennifer Sue
...
The idea was to do short punchy ones to get back into a rhythm... then my muse decided it didn't want to play nice (moving house stress is not good for it apparently)
I wasn't sure if there was enough information to get stuff across, seems like its just on the too little side, something to pay attention to next time. (plus who ever tells the rozzers everything when they might be the one at fault)
It stood out more to me because the rest of that block is lots of green grammar errors other than this one red line that made Word look like it was standing up to transphobia
I enjoyed the plot
I think the plot was great. The story was almost all first person narrative, which is a good and acceptable style although with the story's short length it was difficult to form any bonds with the characters.
Some misspellings - - None of us catch them all so not that big of a deal.
Total length of the story is maybe 10,000 words? At this length you may have gained more readers if you had made it a solo story? There are plenty of readers on the site that will not read a story until they know it is complete, so I would suggest editing the title of the last part to something like "The First Cut, 6 - Conclusion" to let those readers know the story has been completed and they can now read it.
Personally I would like to see the story continued. I get the feeling form it that this was only the beginning of a much longer story. So many unanswered questions, who are these foster parents? How will 'chopshop' deal with the way he is treated by them? How will he deal with his new foster sister? What about her father? Apparently she was taken away from him but is he in prison? Can or will her father look for revenge?
We the willing, led by the unsure. Have been doing so much with so little for so long,
We are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
...
Thanks, I wasn't quite sure about how 1-5 worked out, but what Gotthard was saying was the only thing important going on, so pure 1st person dialogue seemed the right choice
(I could say something snarky about not building bonds with them because Gotthard didn't make any bonds with them either, but I understand the comment)
Might have worked better as a solo (as it was I combined the last 3 chapter ideas into this one, just to get it finished and not drawn out longer), but I didn't expect my muse to go walkabout when I started it.
the ' - Conclusion' bit seems a good idea.
this part of the Story (as originally conceived) is done, the cops call it a 'shaggy dog story' for a reason
but I have had ideas for continuing it into 'Cuts Too' (with its own bad pun chapter names)
just need to decided which particular drama to focus it on, and which viewpoint to use (Gotthard, Knife, alternating, 2nd/3rd person)
and as to the questions:
just decent people
inwards paranoia
see - Drama
he just invaded a school changing room and beat up several of the kids
that's a private cell sorta deal
he is so far from a threat right now that I have no plans for him