CHAPTER 67
Things settled down a little after that, but the changes in my body kept the days from dragging. Both of us were waddling, and an endless round of blood tests, ultrasounds and so on stopped us from becoming housebound.

The runs up to Cricieth became a routine as well, despite the dreadful roads we had to use to get there. There are fast roads linking the South and North to England, but sod all to take you the length of our own country. I had mates in Cardiff, including many of my boys and girls, who would cross into England to use their roads rather than struggle through the Welsh Desert of Powys.

It went as I had expected. We drove up, taking a comfort break each time on the sea front at Aberystwyth, largely to allow me some memory time, and then another at the Cross Foxes to let our shrinking bladders get rid of the tea we had consumed at ‘Aber’. The more my bump grew, the less I could hold my water, and as the Foxes stands in the middle of a vast sweep of sod-all near Cadair Idris it was just about the only way to avoid what Arris’ kids called CBT, or ‘cold bum toilet’. I really didn’t want to spend any time squatting behind some random tussock in the rain, and I know for a fact that Siân shared the same aversion.

The weather always chose our route for us, after Dolgellau, either over the tops towards Angharad’s old home and murderer Trawsfynydd in the occasional sunshine, or down the Mawddach to the sea and then up past the grim castle of Harlech to Porthmadog and the beach car park at Cricieth. It was always a hard drive, for apart from some of the deceptively dangerous straights near Bronaber it was all twisty stuff, and my legs would be cramping. Each time I drove that road, I ended up thinking of Annie, as I had seen her at the side of the road one awful day, and I thanked everything I could that my life had mostly been spared the sort of horrors that had so nearly destroyed her. Then I would catch the reflections of a cloud of red to my left, as Siân bent to change a CD or fiddle with the heater, or I would feel a little movement within, and my spirits would soar again.

My life was most definitely a good one.

The hospice was off the road out to Llanystumdwy, in the shelter of a stand of mature oaks. No real sea view, but calm and secluded. I would drive in, drop my wife at the door and then make my way back to the shore. At that time of year, I could usually find a space in the big car park east of the castle, or sometimes on Marine Terrace, and I would sit for a while watching the waves and the tourists drinking their flasks of tea while sitting in their little metal cocoons. If the weather wasn’t too rubbish, I would wander along the beach, watching for porpoises, skimming stones and searching the tide wrack for whatever might be there. Sometimes, I just copied the tourists, sitting with a cup of tea from one of the cafes, drinking in both the warmth and the views of the distant mountains, and missing my lover’s presence dreadfully. After a couple of hours, my phone would chirp and I would drive slowly back to collect her, and then try and break her bleakness with something that suited us better. Often, we took a room in Porthmadog, spending the next day wandering around Portmeirion or taking a ride on the little train to a place that reminded me every time how much nicer a life we had living away from a slate quarry.

I know now what I was doing, and it was counting my blessings. I had had an easy life, in the end, we both had, compared to so many people we knew. Vicky had taken enough, and my dear sister. Alice. Diane, thanks again to that bastard family. Poor, poor Annie, so much piled on her, Pelion on Ossa, that I still couldn’t see how she was still with us. That moment with Tony, there in the dark, sharing tears for his lost wife.

My own wife, there in the hospice, watching her mother’s body eat itself, as new life kicked inside me, inside both of us. No; life had not been cruel to me, not at all.

We would drive back after each visit, the road seeming to unwind so much quicker than on the way up, almost as if home were drawing us both back. Siân would be silent for most of the way, opening up slightly as we came over the last ridge and started the run down to the south coast. No words, but there would be her arms around me in the car park, her hand on my knee as I drove, both hands in mine across a café table and her head on my breast along with her tears as we slept that night.

Her waters broke before mine, and I forced myself into work mode as best I could. Grab bag, Mam on call, Dad to drive the shuttle service, and of all people to turn up it was Annie and her husband.

I was in the kitchen, taking a break from the hospital while picking up all the little things I had, of course, forgotten to put into the grab bags we had been preparing for weeks, when the bell went. I opened the front door to find her and Eric looking slightly frazzled, and before I could say anything sensible, they were in the house, Eric demanding I tell him where the kettle was kept.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

She smirked, trying a mock frown as Eric came back in from the kitchen. “Some greeting from a so-called friend, aye? Here we are, travelled half the world to get here and help, and what do we get? Even have to make our own cuppa!”

Eric slipped onto the sofa beside her, hand squeezing her knee. “Sarah told us, Lainey. Tony can’t get off the shifts this week, so she gave us a shout. We’ve got Darren looking after Chez Johnson, and Steph’s keeping an eye out, so that’s sorted. How’s Siân?”

“Not really at the hard bit yet. Just sorting the last bits out, the ones we forgot”

Annie looked across at her husband and laughed. “Just like going camping, aye? Always forget something, even when we make a list. Anyway, it’s been a team effort over there, and as is getting traditional, Naomi’s sent this over”

It was a small video camera, and Annie was still talking, still explaining it all in far too much detail, and I realised how nervous she was.

“She did it for Den, and she’s given us full instructions, and, well---”

I held a hand up. “Pause, woman. I get it. Eric, she’s wound up tighter than tight, aye? What’s up?”

He sighed. “Always the same with her, Lainey. Mother to the heart, my sweet girl. I had to argue with her for an hour to get her to leave Darren on his own. Never changes, this one. Now, there’s a number of reasons we’re here, not just the camera. Sarah’s worried, but not just about Siân. You’ve got to be due just about the same time, haven’t you? And you’ll be stressed, so, well, just in case. We’ve got the option of a week, and if you’re happy, and got a spare bed…”

He was looking nervous. “Eric?”

“Yeah?”

“How long have you been planning this?”

“Er, well, we haven’t. Sar rang Steph first, and, well, she couldn’t, shifts all wrong, so, well, this morning”

“Are you telling me you got a call first thing today, and you dropped everything?”

“We made a couple of calls, and work was OK for both of us”

“You dropped everything for someone who isn’t even family?”

Annie looked up, face twisting slightly. “After what you did for us, for my own family, my actual blood kin, you ask a question like that? I always thought senior management was a bit dense, out of contact with reality, aye? Bugger it. Do you have a spare bed for us, and can you give us the what’s where tour of the house, just in case?”

Oh, hell. I thought back to my blessings-counting and added a few more to the credit side.

“OK. I’ll show you your room, and the necessities. Where we keep the spare bog roll, for starters. Pour the tea, Eric, while we sort out the car”

I showed her into one of the spare bedrooms, smiling inside, and as we carried their bags in from the car, she dropped another little grenade.

“Simon wants to know as well”

“Pardon?”

“Simon the vicar. Merry’s hubby, aye? Wants to know if you want a service, christening, aye? He knows you’re not, well, not on his bus, so he said if you want he can do it as a Humanist thing. Kids need names, he says, and they need to know where they come from”

That did it, and mu strings were cut as the tears came. So many fucking blessings. Annie just held me, whispering “I know, love, I know. Not alone, aye? Never alone”

It took a few minutes, but I got there in the end, back to some semblance of control, but far from the model hostess.

“Come on, my sweet woman. Let’s go down, sort him out, and get that tea. I’ll need to get back up the hospital soon. Make sure she’s fine, aye?”

He had the tea poured, and made no comments about the red in both our eyes, but he kissed Annie with some real tenderness, handing me a smile of understanding afterwards. I needed the tea, especially as the doorbell rang a minute later.

“Hiya Lainey. We heard, so we’re here to see if you need anything”

Blake and Diane.