One Knight awaiting us

 

 

...These are girls underwear... why did he give me girls underwear... they fit very well though, so comfortable... Do they think I’m a girl? What are they going to do to me when they find out I’m not?

“And someone should shoot you for that pun.”

 

---

 

Saturday, 28 November ‘15

As the shower starts, Laura turns on Morcar. “So then Mor, are you going to explain, or do I have to shoot you?”

“Hey hey! Haad on! Who pissed in your coffee? Look, the sprog was sat on a bench in the bus station ower the east end, shivering loud enough you could hear it outside, the smeg was I supposed to do like?”

“Call ahead next time! Five minutes warning would be enough, it’s you bringing these surprises with you every time that gets me annoyed.”

“Okay, okay... sozz dude.”

“Right then you two, hug it out and make up, then we can talk about what’s up with this kid.” Laura and Morcar's hug is spectacularly awkward, but it is also draining all the tension out of them, to Dandy's relief. “Better?”

“Better.” The other two reply together.

“And I’m not sure ‘bout them, clothes is fairly neutral, build an’ how they was movin suggest girl maybe, but they talked ‘bout Chell as if they weren’t one, defensive postures was all masc though, maybe somekinda intersex, if they know it or not. Deffo got family hangups, correcting themsel’ bout relationships, I’m not ganna assume the specificities. ”

“I was more thinking why you brought them here, but I guess you'll say it’s obvious from the condition of their clothes.”

“Aye, give ‘em a quick run through the racks, and get ‘em something warm, too cald out there for what they was in.”

“So, any style in mind to start? Or just anything and everything until we find something that works for them?” Now that she'd calmed down, Laura was much more accommodating.

“Probs easiest to jus’ try random shizz till they react innit.”

“Did they give any hints as to a starting point?” Dandy started flicking through the clothes on the racks, now wearing the lurid cap he grabbed to complement his bow.

“Nowt ower revealing t' begin with, I think they might be from an ‘ardliner sect, and deffo proper sheltered like...”

And their conversation was cut short by the shower turning off.

 

 

 

Saturday, 28 November ’15

I didn’t understand why they thought I needed to wash until I took off my jeans and saw all the stains and dirt that had passed right through to my skin. And I would have loved to stand there and soak for a while, but I could only stand... it... being out and on display in the large wetroom for long enough to get the grime off me.

...These are girls underwear... why did he give me girls underwear... they fit very well though, so comfortable... and they do hide the filth. Do they think I’m a girl? What are they going to do to me when they find out I’m not? “Oi Bambi, y’allreet in there?” the door is open slightly and I’m guessing he's just outside.

“Just give me a minute, and why have I just got underwear?”

“Soes they can get you shizz in the right size innit. Nee point geting ya shite that’s not ganna fit like.”

“You won't laugh at me, will you?”

“Course not hin. Now let’s be about it, sooner we’re done ‘ere, t'sooner we can gan get some scran.”

I walk out, covering myself with the towel, to see all of them looking through the racks of clothes, muttering to each other. Without looking at me, Laura asks, “are you ready to be measured sweetie?”

“I guess so..”

~~~~~~~

The whole process is embarrassing, feeling her hands on me as she measures my body, ignoring my objections that she shouldn’t have to touch my filthy body. I’m sure she notices the filth, as she flinches back when she brushed against it, but she doesn’t react at all and just gets back to it. As Laura shouts out sizes, I can see Dandy and Morcar pulling things from the racks, holding them up and building a pile of clothes on the table near us.

“Oi Bambi, owt of this grab your attention?”

“N-no, it’s all so new.”

“Right, let’s start with this,” Dandy holds out some dark blue athletic wear with white stripes like the harvest workers from the next town over back ‘home’ wear.

As I start pulling the weird feeling clothes on, Morcar pops his head out from the rack he is digging in, “Really? Slav-Chav chic? That’s proper not ganna suit ‘em like. Bet ya thirty quid.”

“I’m not betting with you, and can you please speak English for once, not Geordie, it’s too much effort trying to decipher you when you’re like this.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll talk like some beleaguered southern and or yankee prick.”

“Laura, do you have any idea where he gets that bit of attitude from? It's not like he’s ever lived anywhere near Newcastle, or in England at all?”

“Probably better than him identifying as Russian like he used to though.”

“Oh fuck, that accent, how can someone who grew up there have such a parody of an accent.”

“Oi! The fuck did I do to youes? Is it ‘pick on Morcar day' t’day or something?” Finished “, I stand up and make an attempt at a pose to get their attention, “see, I telt you, like I keep telling you, trackies divn't suit anyone.”

“Um, so what’s next then?” As I strip out of the ‘trackies’, I feel a totally new anticipation at the exploration ahead, and see gleeful expressions on their faces.

“Tell you what though, ganna need some choons if we’re ganna have a big dressup sesh like.” he fiddles with a jukebox off to the side till it lights up and starts playing.

... as far as I can tell, 'choons' seems to mean excessive amounts of noise.

~~~~~

It's a lot of fun, joking about and trying all sorts of different clothes on, and they don’t berate me for not knowing how to do some of the weirder clothes. Some of them look and feel nice on me, like the pretty, frilly dresses they call things like Lorry-cough and Sweet-lorry, or the baggy stuff they called 90’s Skater-boy, while others, like the smart suits, emo-boy, and valley-girl, everyone quickly agrees do not work for me.

After about an hour of this I end up wearing a heavy, spotty shirt they called flectarn over a purple t-shirt with a cartoon deer on it, white sweatpants patterned to look paint-splattered and a pair of brown Snow-boots with lots of fur inside. Once we start packing up the stuff that I am getting, I’m a little shocked that we have filled two meter-long racks and the tray/box/hopper things on the bottoms of them. As we move the racks out to the entrance, a few questions occur to me;

“How am I supposed to pay you for all of this?”

“Divn’t worry about it for now sproglet, we’ll sort it out once we know what you’re good at.”

“But you’re spending all this money on me...”

“And I can afford it easy, hell I’ve wasted more buying stupid shite online when I’m proper shitfaced.”

“Oh, okay... um, back at the bus station you said you were already coming here for something, but you’ve just been sorting me out, is what you wanted all sorted?”

“...Smeg... Oi Dandy, have you got that bodyline skirt I ordered?” He darts back inside, taking off his dungarees and dropping them on the floor on his way.

“Yes, wondering when you were going to remember it.” He pulls a box from under the counter with a Lorry like skirt and petticoats in it. “And someone should shoot you for this pun.”

“Oh please, you’re just mad about me thinking of it first.” Mor turns towards me as he starts putting the skirts on, and I can’t help noticing his crotch and how smooth it looks in his tight leggings... is he like me...? “Well what do you all think?” The skirt is patterned to look like a wool sweater with blue and yellow stripes around the waist and bottom edge, with red balls and very badly done baseball bats scattered around the bottom half, and both it and the petticoats have a blood splatter effect to them.

“It’s... interesting... doesn’t go with your plaid leggings or rainbow socks though. And what’s wrong with the baseball bats?”

“Baseball?! Philistine, Heathen, Defiler! They’re Cricket bats!” He has that same mock angry look he had over me calling Dandy ‘Dandy’, so... he’s playing up being angry for effect? “And do I reeeally look like the sort of person to give a flying fart in space about things matching?”

Before I get a chance to respond, there is a noise from the entrance and Laura, and Chell... who’s now in full overalls and a woollen hat, walk in.

“What have we all told you Morcar, if you’re in a skirt you need to cover your chest, spare top still in the middle bottom pocket?” After a little nod from Mor, Laura pulls a tightly wrapped cloth bundle from his coat and throws it to him.

“And someone should shoot you for that pun. We all set to load and go?” Chell seems a little unnerved at something.

“Think so, ‘less the Andrewses have owt else that’s come up?” He’s pulled the top on, and it’s a skimpy cami a bit like they gave me as underwear, purple with white hearts all over and ‘Rent Boi’ in big pink glitter letters on the front... and he really looks like a girl dressed like that. “And what’s with the onesie? Isn’t that just for when ya gannin hyem?”

“Saw Carl buzzing around,” she says the name with a lot of venom, “don’t really want to come out that way.”

“So that’s us tucked down in the backseat then? You got all your smeg Bambi?” I give a little nod, “Go get in the van then, we’ll load up and be off.” There’s an odd mood thats come over them, something they aren’t saying... or aren’t saying in front of me... family drama? And what does ‘come out’ mean? Have to ask them later.

When I get into the (bigger than I expected) van, the ‘backseat’ turns out to be a couch, as in a two-and-a-half seater couch like you’d see in a house, not a car. Pretty comfortable though, deep cushions that I sink into and before they even start loading, I’m already drifting off to sleep...

~~~~~

I’m jarred awake by a bump to find myself still in the (now moving) van, pulled up against Morcar, both of us covered with a thick and really warm blanket (and he’s pretty warm as well). They don’t notice me waking up and keep quietly talking between themselves.

“..enough about my love life, not like it’s ever that different, Artie is fairly consistent, what about you, how’d date number two go last night?”

“T’was bitchin, watched a couple of flicks, discussed the logistics of sex given our hang-ups and... arrangements, fell asleep curled up together in a heap of blankets and cuddly toys.”

“Which films? I know you, you don’t seem to get romance properly.”

“Condorman and The 13^th Warrior.”

“Well, I guess 50 percent romantic to violent is an improvement over your last.”

“What, so Condorman isn't a romance?”

“You know what I mean Mor.”

“How is 13^th Warrior not romantic? And Steph said she liked horror, not my fault she couldn’t appreciate I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle... an’ that’s pretty romantic an’all.”

“See, this is what I mean, just... don’t push things too far, he’s in Kari’s band, he’ll still be around if it doesn’t work... or Kari will really stab you this time for driving off her drummer... again.”

“I get it Chell, just drop it okay.”

Okay, it feels really wrong listening in like this... I should probably wake up wake up...

“Fine, what about the new kid, got an idea what’s up with them?”

“I don’t think they know what’s up with them, at least not properly.”

“Seriously?”

I really should ‘wake up’ “-YAAAWWNN-”

“Mornin’ sleepyhead.”

“Morning? How long have I been asleep?”

“About an hour, slept through all the loading and everything.”

“Umm... sorry.”

“Nah, it’s alright, it was two racks and a bike, you’d have just been in the way, Chell’s particular about how peeps load her van.” He turns and smiles at me, but the streetlights and dark cab make his lip scars and darkly decorated eyesockets turn his face into a leering skull. “What's up Bambi, you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

“You look a little scary in this light.”

“Just a little?” He smiles even wider, with teeth...

“Okay, a lot, it’s like looking at a skeleton that’s got a hold of me. And I’m a little confused by your clothes, are you two supposed to be boys or girls, because I’ve seen both of you dressed as both in the last few hours. Also, why do you look almost identical?”

“The second is cause we’re half first cousins innit. Chell, you wanna handle the first one, or can I have some fun?”

“You can Mor... but please try and have some taste with it.”

“Chell’s a girl that has to dress an’ act like a boy at home and school or her sperm donor will probs kill ‘er when he finds out, and I’m a boy the universe is conspiring to force into turning into a lass. Still a dude I jus’ like skirts an’ dresses and being pretty some of the time.”

“Well, that was nicer than what you usually go with. You understand that Bambi?”

“Yeah...okay, I get it... I think...” I have no idea how to take that...

“Hey, it’s alreet to not get this shite at first, ‘pecially when I’m doin’ the explaining. Oh, and you best stick to calling Chell by Con, Macky B or Mick-Mac when she’s in guy mode, cannae be too careful which cockwombles can overhear like.”

“Nearly to the Garage, you two best be quick about unloading, Kari and co need me to give them a lift.”

“What did the Chad do to his van this time? Wait, I don’t care, probs sommak proper stupid again... Hey sproglet, you’re ganna wanna watch this.”

Out of the windshield all I can see is unsettling large metal warehouses, then we turn a corner, we come out into... a skate park? We are still between the warehouses, but there is a skate park here, and not a little one. There’s loads of people skating and biking about, a web of ropes of glittering multi-coloured lights strung between the buildings around it, big stacks of speakers in the corners and a massive bonfire in one of the pools.

“Wow...”

“Wicked innit?”

“You live here?”

“Sorta...” he pauses until the van swings round to drive into one of the buildings, “I live in here. Welcome to the Garridge newblood.”

It is incredible, it’s like Peter Pan’s lost boys set up camp in a trailer park... there’s random stacks of different sized trailers, storage containers and portable offices in two wide curves to the sides, with walkways and ramps between them and platforms around supports looking a bit like a metal tree village. Everything is decorated in all sorts of different styles and there are lights and banners and pennants strung everywhere and happy children and teens all over. “Whoa...”

“And guess what else Bambs? You live here now too, leastwise tills you decide to move on.”

“Why are you being so generous?”

He looks confused, “Why not? Ain’t like I’m short of scratch.”

“Scratch?” My turn to be confused.

“Cash, dough, ready, wonga... ~moniiieees~. Dad left me enough just from his slush funds I can get into to conquer a couple of small countries, let alone the actually legit shite, plus the rest of the fam is proper minted like. You divn’t need to worry bout me bank balance.”

While we were talking Chell had pulled up, and Morcar pushes himself out from under me and climbs out the door backwards, “Come on Bambi, let’s get your gear out an away so we can gan eat, I could murder a kebab right about now.”

“I want to say ‘I cannot believe you could say something like that’.” Behind him are a girl in a toga, who (other than her eyes and razor straight shiny black hair) looks just like Chell and Mor, and a stocky, swarthy boy in a torn up shirt and jean shorts, both with hands on their hips and an amused(?) expression on their faces.

Morcar winces and replies, still hanging backwards out the door, “Haway man Arron, what’s the problem like? It’s a perfectly legitimate English grammatical construction.”

‘Arron’ grabs Mor’s waist from behind and pulls him out off the van, “Well it sounds like you’re plotting a hate crime, you tactless son of a whore.”

“Oi! Me mam was a Madame, not a whore...Kari’s mams was the whores.” I’m not sure how Mor just turned around in his arms like that.

“Oi!... Okay, I’ll give you that one, this time.” Toga-girl (Kari?) looks over them, right at me... “And who’s this hiding behind you?”

“Right guys, this is Bambi, runaway of... confusing familial relations,” he then turns in ‘Arron’s grip to talk to me, pointing first at the girl (‘Kari’?) in the toga, “Newblood, this is Hikari Elagabalus Psmythe, my only full first cousin, and Arron Newman, my potential sort of boyfriend, still working all that out like.”

“How are you finding being my psychopath cousin’s newest pet project? He's not put you too far out your comfort zone has he?” Kari pushed the boys out the way and starts helping me out the van. “You can say ‘no’ to him, we’ve trained him to listen to ‘no’s, it did take a while though.”

“I’m just so confused, everything is outside my comfort zone. And he’s more than a little intense.”

She leans in and whispers loudly, “He’s always been like that, he’s got issues.” It looks like Mor is about to fire back when Arron pulls him into a kiss... why does seeing that make me feel extra screwy inside...

“Would you moronic goons stop acting like a soap opera and unload the fucking van!”

 

---

 

 

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