Synopsis: Alex is a young boy who wants to be a girl, but has hidden this from everyone around him. That is, until he is saved from a bully by an older girl, Jen, who makes him an amazing offer: Work with her as a waitress at her sister’s themed café!
Unfortunately, things are falling apart in his home life and they get even worse when his mum finds out that he's been taking hormones.
But she doesn't react how he'd expected her to.

Authors note: I was wrong about how long this would take! I already had this scene planned for a long time so it flowed really well in my head, and because I love writing dialogue and this chapter is 96% dialogue then...MEOW! I had a lot of dialogue markers and descriptions in my notes too which helped.
It also helped that I didn't have anything on today. Free day ^_^ The rest of the week will be different though so I don't think I'll be able to get a new chapter out as fast. Although I said that last time and...yeah :P Who knows.
Thankyou so much for all of your support on the previous chapters :D Please tell me if there's anything wrong with this story, grammatical or narratively. Feedback is always very helpful to me.
And as always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated! Even if I don't get to reply to all comments because I forget >.> And it's hard to see new comments sometimes.

 

 

I opened my mouth but only a scared squeak came out, and a spasm of fear shook my body as mum stared expectantly at me. My mind was a frozen mass of terror, scarcely able to comprehend what was happening.

‘Alex,’ she glared at me through the messy strands of brown hair that had fallen over her face. ‘Answer me!’

‘W-why do-’ I hiccupped through my tears and looked down at the ground, trying to find a way out of this. ‘Why do you t-think I’m-I’m taking Ashley’s tablets?’

‘Because last night,’ mum swallowed and her grip on my shoulders increased, ‘she asked me if she could get a new prescription for her pills and admitted that she was just throwing the current ones out without taking them. And when I asked her to show me the ones she was currently taking so we could make sure we got her a different one, she couldn’t find them. Because someone took them!’

‘I-I-I-’

‘And I finally realised why your body had become so feminine,’ Mum continued over me, her voice starting to become unsteady. ‘But I didn’t think it’d be this bad! Y-your body…oh fuck, Alex! How long…?’ I whimpered in pain as her nails dug into my shoulders. ‘Since she first started throwing them out? Last year! Or only in the last few months?’

I drew in a trembling breath and looked into her furious eyes. There was no point in lying anymore and I was too scared to even try. ‘Since m-may last year.’

‘Eleven months ago?’ her voice came out strained and horrified. ‘Nearly a year?’

‘I’m s-sorry!’ I grabbed her arms and tried to calm my breathing. ‘But you don’t understand! I had to take them!’

‘Why? Did you know that they’d do this to you?’ I nodded jerkily and she gritted her teeth. ‘You did? You knew they’d make you grow up like a girl and you still took them?’

‘I…I had to!’

‘Why?’

‘Y-you know why!’ I sobbed and pulled on her arms, feeling like I was about to throw up.

‘Say it,’ she said softly. ‘I need to hear you say it.’

I shook my head and hiccupped again. ‘M-mum, pleas-’

‘Say it!’ she angrily shook me and I whimpered, my will finally breaking.

…

‘I want to be a girl.’ I said softly, and then gasped, my voice seeming to somehow echo around the living room. I swallowed and said it louder. ‘I-I want to be a girl!’

A pained expression crossed mum’s face and she shoved me backwards on the couch, finally letting go of my shoulders. I moaned, grabbed my shirt and slipped it on as she stared blankly at me. My heart felt like it was going to rip itself out of my chest and I could barely breathe. I’d said it…the thing I’d been hiding from everyone for as long as I could remember…I’d said! I’d said it!

And it felt…awful.

I looked fearfully at mum as she stared at me, and after what felt like an hour she finally spoke.

‘I know,’ her voice was harsh and ragged, and tears started falling from her eyes. She dropped back down on the couch next to me with a groan and tapped her hand against her legs. ‘Oh, god…Alex…what the fuck have I done?’

‘W-what?’ That wasn’t what I’d expected to hear. ‘You?’

She leant forward and put her head between her hands and didn’t speak for almost a minute. I could hear her trying to control her tears and just when I was about to ask her if she was okay, she finally spoke.

‘I didn’t know what to do so I just ignored it for as long as I could,’ she said, her voice calmer than before but still shaking. ‘But I shouldn’t have, because it’s my fault it’s even happening! Right from the start…Ashley and I never got along even when she was little, and Jason was just like a normal boy back then. But you…Alex…you were like the-the daughter I always wanted so I…encouraged you to be…like you are.’

I blinked, not sure I’d heard her right. ‘Mum?’

She reached out and put a hand on my head, and I saw that she was crying again, her eyes dark and haggard.

‘You were always so affectionate and happy, constantly clinging to me and wanting attention. Wanting to sleep together at night, trying on all of my clothes and jewellery, playing with my hair…talking about how you were going to grow up to be just like me…and I needed that! I wanted it!’ Her voice broke and she gritted her teeth to fight off a sob. ‘But your dad kept yelling at you and trying to make you stop, and you did, sort of. You stopped saying you wanted to be like me but you were still so snuggly and cute and I…I needed that at the time. Your father was…he was like he was now, unemployed and just…just a fucking cunt! I had to pay for everything and it was so painful, and he didn’t even care! I was so lonely and I didn’t…that part of you…the part of the daughter I needed, I couldn’t let it go away so I…I nurtured it. I didn’t bother trying to make you more like a boy, teach you how to be a man or any of that shit. I just…I just…failed.’

Her face fell and painful sobs racked her body. I had no idea what to do and just stared at her in shock. I’d never seen mum like this before. She was always so composed and elegant, occasionally getting mad but never losing control of her emotions. Had she always been this sad, but wasn’t able to show it? And what did she mean, she needed me when I was younger? How could she have been lonely when she had her work friends, and Ashley and Jason? And why was getting money painful?

‘Mum, I-’

‘This is all my fault! I fucked you up so badly!’ she gasped through a sob and looked at me in pain. ‘I treated you like my daughter for so many years and you ended up thinking that you were my daughter!’

‘W-what? That’s not…’ I scratched my head and stared blankly at her.

‘It’s like your father’s always saying,’ her expression darkened and she buried her face in her hands again. ‘I don’t treat you like a teenage boy, I treat you like a ten year old girl. I’m always hugging you and letting you snuggle up next to me and calling you sweetheart and-’

‘I like it when you do that though! Dad’s wr-’

‘You shouldn’t like it! You’re a teenage boy!’ she stared accusingly at me and I swallowed.

‘I…but I don’t want to be one though.’
‘I know! And that’s my fault!’

‘How?’

‘I just said how! Because I kept treating you like a girl!’

‘But I want to be treated like that! I love how you treat me!’

‘Only because I keep reinforcing it!’

I tilted my head to the side. ‘Huh?’

‘Alex,’ she rubbed her eyes and focused on me. ‘Our relationship is wrong. It’s bad. You’re acting wrong and it’s getting worse and worse. So it needs to stop.’

An icy pit appeared in my stomach. ‘What?’

She grabbed my injured arm and I flinched at how rough she handled it. ‘I know that this didn’t happen from you falling, just like all the other times you’ve been injured at school in the past. I’m not stupid! You’re being bullied! Every week because of how you are. Because of who I let you be.’

I shook my head. ‘N-no, I’m bullied because of how I look!’

‘Yes!’ her eyes widened and she squeezed my arm, making me cry out in pain. ‘Exactly! You don’t look at all like a boy! I should have cut your hair years ago but I never did! I liked that you looked like a girl! Like a…like a little version of me. So I didn’t do anything about it, didn’t encourage you to play sports or eat a lot or anything. Just let you be small and cute and girly, and because of that you’re being harassed at school! Beaten up and insulted and almost killed!’

‘But-that’s not your fault!’ I jerked my arm out of her grasp and cradled it while frowning at her. ‘I love how I look! It’s people like Tom’s fault, not yours. He hurts me, not you!’

Mum’s eyes narrowed. ‘Who’s To-’

‘It’s not important.’ I grabbed her closest arm and tugged on it. ‘I’m me, mum! You didn’t make me like this. I want to be a girl because of…w-well, I don’t know! Because that’s who I am! Not because of you. I don’t understand why you think that this is your fault.’

‘That’s because you’re too young to understand. But you will one day though,’ she sighed heavily and looked at my chest. ‘Just…look at you. You’ve gone so far as to steal hormones and change your body just to be like me. That’s so fucked up! I should have done something about this years ago. It’s gone way too far. Do you even know how dangerous those tablets are?

‘I do, bu-’

‘Shit!’ she abruptly got up off the couch, her eyes widening. ‘Where are they anyway? In your room?’

‘Ah! Umm!’ I swallowed and stared down at my knees, the cold feeling in my stomach growing. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Alex. Where are they?’ I felt her eyes piercing through my skull but I couldn’t answer. ‘Fine then! If you don’t answer then I’ll find them myself.’

I heard her open the living room door and my stomach leapt painfully.

‘Wait! No!’ I jumped off the couch and then fell down as my sore leg collapsed under me. ‘Oww! Shit! Wait!’

I ignored the pain in my leg and hobbled after her, panic fuelling me. If she found the hormones then I was dead. My body would go back to being a boys’ and…and…no! No! I couldn’t live with that! I had to stop her!

She was already in my room by the time I got there, but was thankfully going through my wardrobe instead of the bookcase. I carefully went to my bed and sat down, deliberately avoiding looking at my bookcase and Sally hiding on the bottom shelf. Would mum find her? And if she did would she think to look inside of her? All I could do was wait…

I stared at mum as she went through a box of old Nintendo games and tried to think of something to say to distract her, or to change her mind about finding them. Or at least make her realise that this wasn’t her fault! If she thought that I wanted to be a girl because of how she raised me then she was going to start treating me completely different, and that was just as bad as losing the hormones. Mum was the only person I had in my life who I truly loved and if I lost that, lost her love her and support, then I might as well just kill myself. I could barely even deal with dad! If she ended up acting like him then…oh god…

‘Mum-’

‘Not now Alex.’ She snapped as she threw the box to the side to dig through some old clothes.

‘I think you’re wr-’

‘I said not now!’ she shouted and I squeaked in fear, but didn’t relent.

‘No! You don’t understand!’ I said as loud as I could and she sighed, then looked back at me.

‘What don’t I understand?

I clenched my hands in my lap and swayed from side to side as I tried to control my emotions and figure out what to say.

‘I’m…I’m not happy, mum. I’ve been…for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a girl, and it hurts so much! The hormones are the only thing that’s keeping me alive right now! Them and you! You! I need you! Things have been so awful since you started working more hours! I was so happy when you were around more, and we had movie nights and dinner together and you stayed with me until I fell asleep. I can’t lose what little of our relationship we still have! I need you to hug me and call me sweetheart a-’

‘Alex,’ Mum looked at me sadly. ‘Do you know how wrong that sounds? You’re a teenage boy. You shouldn’t be talking about me like that. You shouldn’t need me like that.’

‘But I do!’

She winced and put a hand to her forehead. ‘That’s because you haven’t made any friends at school. Because of how you look and act, but that’s going to ch-’

‘I’d make friends if I was a girl!’ a small spark of hope ran through my chest as an idea occurred to me. ‘I-If I went to school as a gi-’

‘You can’t be a girl.’

My heart stopped beating for a moment and I just stared at her.

‘You can’t be a girl, Alex,’ she got up and came over, the anger on her face from before replaced with a deep, terrible sadness that made me start to cry just looking at it. ‘You know that. Your father will never let it happen. My father will never let it happen. They will make your life a living hell because of it a-’

‘What about you?’ I interrupted weakly.

‘It doesn’t matter what I want.’ she laughed weakly.

‘Yes it does! You wanted a daughter wh-’

‘That was wrong! And you’ve suffered because of it!’

‘I haven’t!’ I jumped off the bed, almost stumbling over my injured leg, and stood in front of her. ‘You’re wrong! You haven’t done anything bad to me! I’m only even alive because of how you’ve treated me! Without you or the hormones then I’ve got nothing! I might as well kill myself if y-’

‘Don’t say that!’ mum hissed but I violently shook my head.

‘No! No! I’ll kill myself if you take my hormones and treat me like dad does!’

‘You don’t mean that.’

I was pretty sure I did mean it but my voice broke and another wave of tears consumed me. I didn’t want to kill myself! But I didn’t want to be a boy either! And I couldn’t lose mum! Not like this…

‘Mum,’ I whimpered and sniffed miserably. ‘Please. Don’t do this.’

She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, looking around the room as if searching for a reply to what I’d just said. Then she blinked and walked past me to the bookcase, her eyes focused on the lower shelf.

Oh shit!

‘Sally,’ she said quietly, kneeling down and pulling the soft toy from the bottom shelf. ‘You loved her so much when I first gave her to you.’

‘Wait! M…’

I trailed off as she turned sally over and ripped out the pins holding her stomach open, then shoved her hand inside. There was an awful crinkling sound and then she pulled out the bag of hormones I’d been hiding for so long, a look of displeased satisfaction on her face. I rushed at her and tried to grab the bag but she easily avoided my hand and got back to her feet.

‘I’m flushing these down the toilet.’ Her voice was a cold fury and she clenched her hand over the bag. ‘And I’m going to talk to Ashley so this doesn’t happen again.’

A pained groan ripped from my chest and I grabbed at her hand again. ‘No! Don’t!’

‘These could be killing you, Alex!’

‘I don’t care!’

She looked at me in surprise and then turned away. ‘Well, I do. This is for your own good.’

‘No it’s not!’ I grabbed her arm and tried to make her stop. ‘You’re wrong! I need them! I need to be a girl! Don’t do this to me!’

She looked back at me for a moment but continued walking. ‘I’m trying to help you.’

‘No you’re no! You’re killing me!’

She stopped in the doorway and pulled my hand off of her, her eyes cold and harsh. ‘I want you to stay in here for the rest of the day. Don’t tell Jason about this. And don’t tell your father either. He doesn’t know what’s going on and I don’t want him too. He’ll hurt you if he finds out.’

‘Mum, st-’

‘On Tuesday I’m going to take you to see doctor Karin, and she’s going to check your body and make sure you’re okay. She’s also going to take a blood test, and I’m going take you to see her every fortnight to make sure your estrogen levels are shrinking,’ she narrowed her eyes. ‘So if you have some more hormones hidden away I’ll know, and I’ll find them.’

‘I don’t have any more!’

‘Good.’ She tapped the side of her leg and looked thoughtfully at me. ‘And you need to see a psychologist too, but I’m going to ask Karin about who you should see. Just, prepare yourself for that, okay?’

I blinked and then let go of her, a though occurring to me. ‘What if the psychologist says that I’m a transsexual?’

‘You’re not a transsexual. Y-’

‘What if I am though? What if you’re wrong?’ I stood straighter and rubbed my wet face with the back of my hands. ‘You think I’m like this because of you, but you don’t know that for sure! You can’t until I see a psychologist and they tell you what I am!’

‘I’m not wrong,’ she said after a moment’s hesitation. ‘I’ve been thinking about this for a very long time.’

‘But you’re not a psychologist. You could be wrong!’

She took a deep breath and let it out. ‘You’d better hope that I’m not. Because if you can’t learn to accept that you’re a boy then the rest of your life is going to be very painful.’

‘Not if you help me!’

‘I can’t help you like that,’ she bit her lips and put her free hand on my shoulder. ‘Just…please, Alex. I love you. Everything I’m doing is to help you, so just let me, okay? Don’t fight me on this.’

‘But you won’t listen to me! You don’t understand!’

‘You keep saying that, but I do understand.’ she patted my shoulder and then turned around again. ‘We’ll talk about this later, okay? I need to think about all of this. I was hoping I was wrong, that we could just watch your movie and things could continue like they always have, but…they can’t. I’ve been a terrible mother and it’s time for me to make things right. I just need to figure out how.’

‘I told you how!’ I sobbed and slowly knelt down as my legs gave out from exhaustion and pain. ‘Let me be a girl! Don’t change how you treat me! Please! Don’t do this to me.’

She looked down at me with a pained expression, her eyes tearing up again. Hope rose inside of me again but she didn’t say anything, just looked at me and then quickly left the room, slamming the door behind her.

And then I was alone.

Really alone. For the first time in my life.

I screamed. But nothing happened.

To be continued...

Thankyou for reading! The next chapter will be slightly less depressing, as the next day Alex will go to a certain someone for help.
Maybe that's a spoiler (sorry >.<), but I didn't want to end on such a dark note. And some of you readers are pretty observant so I don't think it'd be a spoiler anyway.