Henry was asleep on the microwave doing dead cat impersonations. He was laying on his back with his head flopped over the side upside down, legs all over the place with one back leg stuck up in the air like a furry flag pole. All he needed was a thick white line drawn around him and a little dagger sticking out of his chest to complete the picture

This is the story of Penny. A closet Transwoman thrust into the outside world 24-7 when she would rather go and hide away. Perhaps the title should be Welcome to Penny’s Paranoid World…

From part seven
When it was time for the girls to go to bed Emily resisted all attempts by her father’s to remove her by tightening her arms round my neck. In the end John settles for helping me stand up with said Emily attached and I carried her up to bed. Evie helped my get her ready for bed and I do not think she ever really woke up.

Back home mother was soon fast asleep and it seemed strange when standing in my little basic kitchen making a cup of tea, realising it would almost fit in White Gate Farmhouses downstairs loo!

And now as they say, read on…

It was gone eight-thirty when I got up. Mother was still asleep. Henry was asleep on the microwave doing dead cat impersonations. He was laying on his back with his head flopped over the side upside down, legs all over the place with one back leg stuck up in the air like a furry flag pole. His tail hung limp down the other side of the microwave. First time I saw him sleeping like this I thought he had electrocuted himself. All he needed was a thick white line drawn around him and a little dagger sticking out of his chest to complete the picture. Although now just to be safe, I pull the microwaves plug out every night.

First things first, I put the kettle on for a cup of tea. Then placed some prawns on a dish below the Dead Cat impersonator and waited for a reaction. First a leg twitched, then his nose sniffed the air, and with consummate easy he rolled and stood up, stretched, and slipped down to the prawns and tucked in.

Mother was stirring so I went to check if she wanted the loo yet. My mind was on other things though.

Last night when we were watching the video at the funfair on the pier. John had told Johnny. ‘Dad, we should go with them next Saturday, it’ll be the last chance we have for a break before we start the harvest.’ Then laughing added. ‘And I haven’t been on those Jets since I was a kid.’

The thought made me nervous, I still did not know how to handle John and how to deal with the way my heart thumped when I thought of him. The day was saved when the twins demanded they wait until they were back from Brownie camp next week-end.

With Emily fast falling asleep on my lap, soon as the video was finished, John told the girls it was time for bed. But when he went to pick up Emily, she refused and wrapped her arms tight around my neck. And I heard her quietly whisper a determined ‘No.’ In the end John had to help me stand up and I carried her up to bed. As we went up the stairs I thought of a female gorilla with a baby clinging to her tummy and it made me smile, despite the weight of carrying an all be it slim seven year old girl while wearing high-heels. I was glad John walked up the stairs behind me in case I slipped. How he can walk around with all three girls hanging off him, I don’t know.

I’ve really bonded with the girls. Especially Emily. It has only been two evenings and a day at the seaside, but feels like it has been forever, I feel so close to them, like I really was their mother. We just seem to have instantly connected. It’s silly, but I can’t explain why. But the feeling is so powerful inside me. It makes me want to cry when I think about it. Which makes it all the more tragic, as when John finds out about me, I know he will cut me off from them. So I have to do it first, and back away.

I tell myself it is for the best. It is not how I feel, but how the girls will feel if I let this go on and then we break. Trying not to cry I phone Evie.

“Hello, Evie… yes… thanks. I was wondering if before John and the girls join you today, if I could come up and have a quick word.”

“O kay, see you in a minute.”

As I cut the call, the music from the Pink Panther’s TV show starts on my mobile. I have a text.

in hkong. about to board flight to nz. kate very ill in hosp. please check home for us. love clair

Kate is Clair’s daughter. Her only child. She had a really bad first pregnancy and is five months gone with her second. I sent Clair a ‘thinking of you both and fingers crossed for Kate’ message. O’God, I hope she and the baby are okay.

Evie’s kitchen smells gorgeous. She makes mother a coffee and hands me a small mug of tea.

“Come on, let’s get the weight off our feet.”

We sink into the big old sofa she has in the kitchen and turned to each other. I have a quick glance at my watch for the time. Evie sees.

“Don’t worry about the time, I can see the kitchen clock from here. I’ll make sure you’re away before they get here, if that’s what you want. Now. You sounded very serious and worried on the phone, darling. What’s the problem?”

I tell her my fear about Emily and the twins getting hurt when John finds out about me and closes the door on them seeing me. Maybe I say I should tell John everything, so he knows and if he bans me, well the girls will be upset, but get over me. I tell her what Em said when John tried to take her from me at bedtime, and…

Evie laughs. “Oh dear, she can be a tenacious little miss at times, when she wants to be. Do you mind?”

“No. but John.”

“Oh, never mind John…”

Evie lets me talk out my fears, and then rubbishes them one by one. Now is not the time to tell John, she says. She knows her son and will tell me when the time is right to tell. And by the way; do I like him. Clair said I was a lipstick lesbian, but she saw me blush when John looked at me.

I admitted I thought of myself as that. A lipstick lesbian, but I did not know why I got all hot and bothered when he looked at me. That made Evie chuckle.

“That, girl. Is called attraction. It means you like him. And he wouldn’t be looking at you like that if he wasn’t attracted to you, too. But he is confused. You look a great deal like Susan and he has too sort out and separate his feelings for you both.”

“But it’s all lie, I’m not a proper girl.”

“Listen to me young lady.”

“I’m nearly fifty, Evie. Even him thinking I’m in my thirty’s is a massive lie. Even if he accepted me as a woman. He would baulk at my age. I’d be an old woman to him.”

“Don’t interrupt, young lady. In your past life, maybe you were older. But as Penny, you’re a child struggling to be an adult. You’re going from teenager to a young woman to mother in matter of days, not even weeks, rather than years. Understand this. If I did not think you were the right person to be mother to my grandchildren. I would not let you within a mile of those girls. Do you understand that?

I nod.

“Good! Now you can help me finish lunch.”

I do, but keep eye on the clock so mother and I can be gone before John and the girls arrive.

We are just about done when I remember Clair’s text! How could I forget? I tell Evie about it, and then realise I will not be able to go to Trish’s dinner party tonight. Clair was going to mothersit. To be honest I cannot say I am too sorry about missing having dinner with a load of doctors looking at me like I am a zoo exhibit. I remember how the student doctors looked at me the first time I went to Charing Cross when I was just in my twenties and how it destroyed my self-confidence as a young woman to be.

“Rubbish, of course you must go. Stay with us, then after lunch you can nip home and get what you need and can change here into that slinky silver evening dress you bought. You’ll knock out Malcom’s stuffy doctor friends, as I’m sure you are not what they are expecting. Jenny will safe here with us. And the girls will love seeing you in your dress.”

And then grinning mischievously at me. “And so will John.”

We are sitting back on the sofa when I see the kitchen clock, it is way later than I thought it was. I know Evie would like us to stay for lunch, but I need to think things out. So I shake my head ‘no’, and try to look apologetic.

“Thank-you. But no. I think it better if we go. I’ll call Trish and apologise.”

I stand and my head swims. I must have got up too quickly, as I fall straight back down onto the sofa my head swimming and sort of black out. I can see nothing, my ears are singing loudly, and gradually I hear Evie’s voice in the distance, though not quite understanding what she is saying. As I get more with it, I can feel Evie holding me and begin to see John and the girls standing around me looking concerned. Evie sends the twins off to lay the table and Emily sits beside me looking very worried holding my hand.

I try to explain I just got up to quickly and I am fine now, and mother and I should be going. But Johnny’s in as well and says to be on the safe side we should stay for lunch and I should take it easy in the afternoon with them where they can see I am all right.

With Evie and Johnny at the ends of the table, John is one side with the twins either side of him. I am opposite him with mother on my right and Em between me and Evie.

Evie is telling a curious John why I am off to Trish and Malcom’s medical dinner party.

“One of the doctors is single. Trish needed a damsel to even things up at the dinner table.”

“Oh. Anyone we know?”

“It's the one Malcom mentioned on Thursday. The one with his own plane or something. You remember, Penny?”

“Yes, a Europa. A little kit built two seater. A sort of modern half size home built Spitfire.”

“Oh.”

I look up. Knowing the real reason why I have been invited and we are certainly not telling John that. He does not look too pleased about it, anyway.

“He a young guy, mum?”

“I don’t know, darling. I’ve never met him. But Penny will be able to talk planes with him at the dinner table.”

“Huh.”

Evie looked over to me trying not to smile, but her eyes sparkled.

After we had finished I was not allowed to help clear away or help with the washing up. John and the girls did that. I was uncomfortable with everyone being concerned about my health. I was use to forcing myself out of bed to help mother into her wheelchair to take her to the bathroom to go to the loo when I’m ill. It’s not often. But if by rare chance I was sick, I was not use to anyone knowing about it or offering comfort. It was all very strange and a bit un-nerving having people around me caring about how I was.

After much pleading on their part, John says the girls can come down to the bungalow with me to get my dress for tonight. But once outside he decides to come with us, too.

As we cross the lane to the footpath a pair of small hands slip into mine and his as Emily slides in between us forcing John to walk on the grass between the path and road and I giggle a bit. Which starts Emily off as well.

“Are you going to the dance on Saturday? It’s a sixties night.” He looks over at me with a touch of a grin on his face. “Should be right up your street.”

Before I can reply, the twins beat me to it.

“It’s this Saturday? But dad, we’re at brownie camp. We’ll miss it” With one twin saying the first part, and the second twin saying the second. And unless you see who is speaking, you haven’t a clue which one said what, but knowing they are doing it.

“Well first of all. I wasn’t talking to you, little miss but’ins.”

“Sorry dad.” They said in unison. “But…”

“And there will be other dances. You’re only missing one.”

“Yes dad.” Was said with a big sigh.

“But I can come to the dance, can’t I daddy.” Piped up Emily.

“For some of the time, Em. Not all the evening.” I could hear the smile in his voice when he tells me. “As you can see, what prefect manners my little banshees have. Anyway. Are you coming? We can all go together.”

“I don’t know. It depends on how mother is really."

We were close to Clair’s. Which lets me change the subject.

“Do you mind if we just walk round Clair’s house. I promised her I would keep a check on it while she is away.”

“Sure.”

The girls were in my bedroom before I was. Luckily my bedroom has become a female room slowly over the years and now there was no sign of boy anyway in it. For some time now I had kept my male stuff (there wasn’t much, now) in the spare bedroom that Carol slept in when she was over from the states.

While the girls having checked out my dressing table and its contents had moved on to giving my wardrobe a thorough inspection. I went into the kitchen where Henry got up from being lazily sprawled on top of the microwave. He stood on the counter top rubbing his head under my chin while I gave him a standing up cuddle. He quite likes to be carried around, but his favourite is the standing up cuddle. After a fuss I put his food out and he settles down with his nosh.

John had picked up the E220’s keys since I have my hands full with my dress bag etc. the twins had commandeered my make-up box while Em had my shoes. Once everything and the girls were in the back seat, I moved to the front passenger seat without thinking, just as John went to the driver’s seat.

When we were getting out at Evie’s, she came out to meet us with an amused look on her face.

“Just like a man. Let them get anywhere near the TV remote or a set of car keys and they take ownership.”

“What, mother?” John was totally confused.

Laughing quietly to herself, Evie showed me to the guest bedroom and banned the girls from the room for the moment.

“You can come in when Penny’s doing her make-up, girls.”

Evie helped me change.

“I’m not sure I want to do this.”

“Why not?”

“Had a bad time with the consultant at the Charing Cross Clinic when I was young. That’s why I’m still like this now. I always thought by the time I was twenty-four, it would be all over and done with, and I would be all girl for the rest of my life. But he destroyed my confidence. The only time I met him, he sat one end of the room with a lot of bored student doctors between us looking at me like I was an animal in a zoo. Until that day only four people knew I was a transsexual. Then, there I was in this narrow room with around fifteen people looking at me like I was a zoo exhibit.”

I look down at my hands visibly shaking as I gripped my knees.

“I don’t really remember what he or I said. I was very shy and it was too much for me to cope with, although I think I kept a sane face, I was destroyed inside by them looking at me. You could see on their faces how I was just an object to them, not a person, just something to observe, not a human being.”

I just sit there, shaking. Evie holds me, letting time pass with just the warmth of being held close by another person.

“Don’t worry. I’ll talk to Trish and she will talk to Malcom. And you met him the other night. He’s a nice man.”

“That was socially. He wasn’t in work mode. They’re different, then. ”

I feel stupid getting a panic attack over this. I fold my arms across me, holding them tight against me, feeling them shaking against me.

I don’t turn and look, Evie has moved a little away from me, but I can hear bits of the conversation.

“…yes, I know… of course… yes, I will… yes, she’s very panicky… yes, I’ll tell her… stunning, only she doesn’t see it… okay, see you tomorrow, Trish. Bye.”

Evie came up behind me and put her arms round me with her head almost against mine.

“There. Nothing to worry about. Malcom is going to tell his colleagues that the person they are going to consider joining their program will be joining them later, after dinner. He wants them to meet you as just a friend of Trish’s who has been persuaded to make up the numbers as she use to be a flying instructor and the single Doc, Alec, is a pilot.”

I nod. She comes round smiling. “And you do look stunning in that dress.” She grins at me. “Just remember to lift the hem up when you go up steps, or you will be flat on your face.” She says grinning.

There is banging on the door.

“Can we come in, now.” said in a way that implies great cruelty on our part in keeping them out. And then after a moments consideration. “Please.”

Evie smiled. They are going to watch you intently as you put on your make-up. Is that alright?”

I nod. She grins and calls out. “Come on in then, girls.”

The door survives bursting open as the three of them hurtle in and come up short of me at the dressing table mouths open.

“Would you like me to stand up so you can see it properly?”

Three heads nodded. I do. The girls are transfixed. Evie slips away un-noticed from us as I make-up my face. It was a little bit strange having the three of them so close watching me and asking questions I hardly knew the answers to. But it was kind of magical, the four of us close together. Afterwards I made up their faces as well and hoped John did not get mad at me for doing it.

We went down stairs and Johnny saw the girls first as they entered the sitting room ahead of me.

“My, my. Three beautiful young ladies come to visit us. Are you really my granddaughters all grown-up? I mean. You are so beautiful, and they were such ugly ducklings.”

They laughed and giggled and hug their grandfather.

John played along as well, thank-goodness.

“You’re all grown up. Three lovely young ladies. Are you all married with husbands? Or do I have three wedding to pay for. Or are you off to the Farmer’s Ball to hunt for husbands?”

The girls giggled and went and hugged their father and then remembered me.

“Oh, daddy. You should see Penny. She’s a princess.”

They then raced back to me outside the sitting room door and pulled me in.

The men stood taking me in.

Johnny grinned. “I’ll give you this lass. You scrub up well.”

I blushed. “Thank-you. Johnny.”

“Yes, you are stunning.” Apart from that. John seemed lost for words.

I stay away from mother dozing in the conservatory. If she sees me like this she will know I am going out and want to come too. When Clair watched her when I went to the dentist earlier in the year. If she asked where I was, Clair told her I was in the bedroom having a rest. She accepted that. Evie will do the same this evening while I am at Trish’s. I'm only two minutes away if their is a problem.

They all came out to see me off. John had turned E220 around, so I just had to get in and drive out the gates. When I parked and got out at Trish’s I began to worry I was over dressed. Yes, I felt and looked fantastic. But was it over the top. I was coming to my friend’s for dinner. Not going to the opera with the Queen.

The cast iron oval painted name plate left me envious, Canberra House, and above it a painted out line of my father’s old P&O ship, Canberra. I had spent half my summer holidays along with my sister running around Canberra’s decks as my father was chief engineer on her until he retired. Smiling and lost in thought of my holidays on her. I reached the front door and it opened as if by magic.

Dressed as a maid in a black maids dress with a white apron and three inch high-heels was Melissa. She grinned at me.

“Wow, Girl. You’re Hot!” Then, seeing the surprise on my face. Broke out in a big grin. “Hey, it’s extra cash, and it's fun playing a posh maid for the evening.”

Then she pulled a face, did a twirl showing her black seamed stockings off with a kick of her leg and then went all servant on me.

“Good evening, madam. Would you step inside, please. And I will get the mistress for you.”

She closed the door and grinned at me again and flounced off clearly having fun. Moments later Trish came out of the kitchen, and to my relief was wearing a full length evening dress as well. And looked stunning. I told her so.

“And so do you, Penny. Now, everyone is here. Did Evie tell you. Malcom has told his colleagues that the older lady that might be their last recruit, will be joining them later. So they are just expecting one of my friends joining us to make up the numbers for dinner.”

“They will be able to tell, they are doctors.” I whisper to her.

“Nonsense. You pass one hundred percent. Malcom told me after meeting you at Evie’s that he would have never known, if he had not been told beforehand. So, let’s go meet everyone. The single guy, Alec is quite a dish.” She smiled with a naughty look on her face. “We must get a photo of you and Alec together for John to see.” And giggled at the thought.

“Not you too.”

I should have known. Evie and Trish are thick as thieves.

“What! You make a perfect couple. The girls adore you. And John watches you slyly every chance he gets, Evie told me that. And there is nothing like a bit of jealousy to help things along.”

“We’ve hardly met.”

“Perfect. You don’t know all his annoying habits yet to put you off.”

I was sort of towed with her arm around my waist into a large lounge.

“Everybody. Here she is. This is Penny, she looks after her mother, now. But she use to be a flying instructor in the real world.”

Six people turn to me, Malcom along with two older couples, and a tall quite hansom man with brown hair around John’s age. Malcom comes forward and we do the cheek to cheek air kissing thing.

“Hello, Penny. Thank-you for stepping in to the breach for us tonight and making up the numbers.”

“No problem, my pleasure.” I say.

He turns and leads me to his guests.

“Penny, this is John and Ann McFarland. Ann, like me is a senior surgeon at The Queen Ann’s Medical Centre.”
Ann and I air kiss cheeks. We both say ‘Hello’ to each other.

“John is head of our little project.” Again we air cheek kiss and pass pleasantries.

“This is Paul and Jenni André. Paul heads our lab workers.” Again we do the air kisses and pleasantries. Jenni grins at me and whispers “They are just the usual bunch of mad professors meddling with science.”

I grin back and tell her. “I feel like Penelope Pitstop.”

I haven’t a clue why I said that. Malcom turns me to the last person waiting. He’s smiling at me like I’m already in his bed in just my underwear. All I think is Tom Cruise and does he have a motorbike.

He reaches out with both hands and takes mine in them before raising it up to his lips and gently kissing my hand, before moving in to do the cheek to cheek air kiss thing. But he gently grazes my cheeks with his for the briefest of moments. My heart thumps and for a moment I half think if he lead me upstairs right this moment, I would let him pull me all up there with a silly grin on my face.

“As you can see, Alec is our ladies man.”

Jenni adds, “He charms the birds out of their trees, and then out of their knickers. Watch out, Penny.”

I turn to her grinning and totally miss whatever it was that Malcom was saying.

To be continued…