Daniel is just your ordinary average teenage boy. Or is he? What started out as an ordinary summer day quickly becomes a journey of self discovery and change.
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I awoke to loud knocking on my bedroom door. I rolled over and glanced bleary eyed at the clock in an attempt to read the time. Finally my eyes cleared enough that I could make out the numbers. I groaned to myself, it was almost five after nine. As always my mother followed her strict rules about not sleeping in too late even during vacation.

There was another knock at the door, “Dan, are you awake? It's already past 9.”

“Yes mom, I'm up.”

I listened to the sound of my mother's footsteps descending down the stairs and briefly contemplated closing my eyes and going back to sleep. It was sucha pleasant thought and I savoured the idea and lay in bed for five more minutes before I finally made myself get up out of bed. Mom really did hate people sleeping in, and if she didn't see me downstairs and up soon, she would be back up here knocking again. This time there would be yelling and perhaps even punishment. Summer vacation on a farm was bad enough when you weren't in trouble with all the chores to do. I definitely didn't want to be in trouble, as there really was no end to the chores to be done.

Especially since today was Saturday. This was the one day in the week when we would get to go into town while my mother did the shopping. I definitely did not want to spend the time I could be there in the barn shoveling manure. My parents raised rabbits, and although they were a lot less work than most farm animals, there was always a lot of cleaning to be done in the cages.

I went down to the kitchen to find my mother sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal. I went to the cupboard and got some for myself. I poured some milk into my bowl emptying the container as I did. I put the container on the counter top near the sink and brought my breakfast to the table.

My mother was watching me and as I went to sit down she stopped me. “Dan, you know the rule. Whoever uses the last of the milk has to make it.”

I put my bowl on the table and went back to the sink and grabbed the container and washed it out. I smiled to myself as I thought back to the first time I told my friend John I had to make the milk before I come back and watch TV. He had looked at me in complete confusion and commented that he didn't even know we had any cows on the farm, and wouldn't making milk take a long time? I had laughed and explained, no that's just what we call preparing a new jug of milk. My family was pretty big and in an effort to safe money and stretch out the groceries a bit longer we mixed powder milk in with our bagged milk.

I quickly finished making up a new jug of milk and hurried back to my breakfast hoping that the cereal wouldn't have gotten too soggy. Nothing was worse than eating soggy cereal for breakfast. I remembered a time when I had refused to eat my soggy cheerios and my mother made me sit at the table for 3 hours before she finally gave up and let me go.

I sat down to eat and was glad to find my cheerios in good shape so I dug in hungrily. Elayne came into the kitchen and checked the fridge. “Oh good, someone made the milk, now I can eat breakfast.”

My mom laughed at Elayne's comment. Normally she would lecture us about laziness if she heard us make a comment like that, but with Elayne it was different. Both my parents were fiercely proud of her and how responsible she was because she always made sure the house was clean when they were working or out.

I never really understood why she always got the credit for that. Sure she was the oldest and usually the one that got us all working, but everyone of us helped and worked hard. Well... everyone except Matt since he was older than Elayne and decided he didn't have to do anything she told him to do. Sometimes I would decide on my own to clean the house and my parents would come in after being out and comment that my sister was busy again. It always irritated me when I told them that I had done it on my own that it was never really recognized the same way. It wasn't like it was something I did rarely.

I was pulled out of my thoughts of jealousy, I guess that is what they were, when Elayne asked my mom, “When are we going shopping today?”

“In about an hour, I have a hair appointment and Robin has a dentist appointment at 2 so we will probably be in town for most of the day.”

“Who is all going?” Elayne asked.

“Anyone that wants too, except Matt, he is already at work today and won't get off until 4:30.”

That meant that everyone would be going of course, none of us ever passed up a chance to go at the mall and spend a bit of time in town. Especially if we were going to be there all day, that usually meant eating out too and none of us ever pass that up.

I began to think about places I would like to go, the book store and the music store for sure. Probably a couple other places that I would want to check too. A thought suddenly occurred to me. I realized that if they all went into town, I could stay home and have the place to myself. That meant I could finally do some of the things I've been wanting to do.

It had been 3 days since I found the panties in my laundry and started to wear them off and on. I usually ended up changing when I started feeling too guilty about what I was doing. I desperately wanted to talk to someone about how I was feeling and what I was going through, but I didn't really have anyone to talk to. On top of that, I didn't even really know what I would say. I didn't know anything at all about guys that wanted to be girls except for the little bit of the talk show I had seen. I had realized that at the very least I would need to get on the internet and look up more information about to it to find out what was really going on.

The more that I had thought about what was happening with me, the more I realized that my sister had been completely wrong in her assessment of what those men were doing on that show. They weren't putting on those clothes just because they thought maybe they would have a better and easier life as girls, they were doing it because they felt compulsed to do it. Like it was something that they had to do, and like it was right for them to do it. I had learned that from my own experience. I wondered if any of them had gone through the same guilt and suffering I had over it. There are so many questions that I have that I need answered and I knew that this would be my chance to finally get some answers.

“Mom, I want to stay home today, is that alright?”

“Sure, if you want to, you don't have to come.” My mom said sounding a bit surprised.

“Can I go on the computer while you are in town?”

At that my mom smiled as she thought she understood. I had been spending more time of late playing games on the computer, and I was sure she thought I just wanted to stay home and play more games. I was perfectly willing to let her believe that was my motivation too.

“Sure Dan, but make certain that you don't spend all day on it. Only a couple hours. And since you are going to be home, make sure you go out and feed and water the rabbits.”

“Ok, I'll do that.” I said and finishing my breakfast I ran back up to my room. I undressed and took off the panties which I had been wearing that morning. These would definitely need to be washed. I got dressed in my own clothes and stashed the panties back in their hiding place and went downstairs and looked for my mother. Elayne told me she was in her room, so I went and knocked on the door.

“Come in.”

I opened the door and saw my mom seated at her makeup table getting ready for the trip to town. I'd seen her seated there doing her makeup many times before, but this was the first time that I paid closer attention to what she was doing. I watched in fascination as she expertly traced her eyes with liner and put on some mascara.

She put away her makeup and turned to face me. “What do you want honey?”

“I need some laundry done, and I was uh... wondering if you could show me how to work the machine.”

“You want to do your own laundry? I guess you are old enough to learn how to do it yourself. Come on I'll show you.”

We went into the laundry room and my mom explained the different functions of how the machine worked. She kept it pretty simple only explaining the basic settings she thought I would need to know. Then she explained about the importance of separating clothes into different colours and kinds, and what temperature to use with each. She explained how mixing colours and whites would make the whites change colours, and that different temperatures would make things shrink.

I paid close attention to her instructions knowing that after this she would expect me to do my own laundry from now on. Besides that, I figured that if I did end up becoming a girl, it would be a good skill to have when I had my own family.

My own family, now there was a thought! I wonder if I would have my own family if I became a girl. Obviously I couldn't get pregnant. I mean all that would happen is I start dressing like a girl right? Would guys even want to be with a girl that's really a boy? Did I even want to have a relationship with a boy? I hadn't even thought about that part of all this! Even more questions that I need to sort out! I am still not even sure I want to be a girl! I mean it is a sin right? If I stop God would still forgive me. I really need to talk to someone.

“Dan, did you hear what I said?” Mom asked interrupting my thoughts.

“Hmmm? I'm sorry, I was trying to make certain I remembered all the instructions about the washing machine settings.” I lied quickly.

My mom sighed. “Ok, well we aren't done yet so pay attention please. Now do you know where the lint trap is on the drier?”

I actually did know this, because I had helped Elayne switch laundry before when we were cleaning the house. So I nodded, “Yes, when I switch the laundry to the drier I need to pull it out and make sure it's empty. Elayne showed me before.”

“Good. Now tell me everything I told you again so I can make sure you got it all right. You don't want to ruin your clothes.”

I repeated all the instructions back to her, which was pretty easy because there weren't many and she had kept it simple. When she was satisfied that I had it right we went back into the kitchen.

“I am really proud of you honey. It's really responsible of you to want to learn how to do things for yourself.” Mom smiled at me.

I blushed a deep red, and here I was just thinking about what my life might be like if I lived as a girl! If my mom knew what I was thinking, she wouldn't be so proud of that. And she wouldn't be so proud either if she knew the reason I asked was so that I could wash a pair of panties that I stole from my sister so that I wouldn't get caught with them. I hoped that she would think I was blushing because of the praise.

I guess that is exactly what my mom thought because she laughed gave me a hug and then called my sisters. “Girls hurry up! We need to get going to town.”

My sisters came running down the stairs. “We're ready!” was all I heard before the door slammed and they were piling into the car.

My mom turned to me “Don't forget to make yourself something to eat for lunch. There is bread to make sandwiches or you can have some of the leftovers in the fridge. We should be back in time for dinner.”

“Ok mom.”

“And don't forget to feed and water the rabbits.”

“I won't.”

“Ok, have fun.”

“Bye mom.”

She went out and joined my sisters in the car. I washed her go and she looked happy. She was definitely in a very good mood. I felt another wave of guilt wash over me. How could I do this to my parents and my family? They are happy and they are good people. They just want to live normal lives, and they would never be happy with me as a freak that wanted to pretend to be something I am not.

I watched them pull out of the driveway and found myself alone in the house. Still feeling guilty about what I was planning I decided to head to the barn and take care of the rabbits first.

The barn was a pretty big one and it had been used for goats and cows before we had moved in. We often had anywhere from 300-3000 rabbits in there at a time. I think we have about 1500 in there now.

I used to think that my dad started rabbit farming because it was something that was easy for us kids to do while he was on the road on business. I learned later that he did it because he used to raise them when he was a kid and he wanted us to enjoy the same things. He turned it into a larger operation because my dad doesn't do anything small, he always plans and dreams big.

I worked quickly and finished in about 30 minutes. Before heading back to the house I grabbed a shovel and scrapped some of the excess waste into the sewage trenches. Although it wasn't something I had been asked to do, I did it anyways because it was easier now when there wasn't as much than it would be later.

By the time I finished and got back to the house my guilty feelings had subsided and my curiosity was back in full swing. I washed up quickly in the bathroom and then turned on the computer. I wasn't actually supposed to be using the internet without my parents permission, but with my dad on a trip and my mother in town I figured it should be ok. I didn't think we were expecting any phone calls.

Living out where we did, my family was still on dial-up. Partially because there wasn't much other option where we were, and partially because my parents didn't want us to think that we could use the internet anytime we wanted if it didn't tie up the phone line.

I connected to the internet and decided to do a search to begin. I wasn't sure exactly what I was all looking for or what I would find, so I decided that doing a search for “boys that dress as girls” would be a good place to start.

It took awhile because a lot of things popped up that gave me no information. Eventually however I sorted through it and found some sites that taught me more terminology to look up. Before long I had discovered that using the proper terms unlocked a wealth of information on the topic and a lot of stories of personal experiences. I began to browse through the different sites to try and figure out exactly what was going on with me.

I soon discovered that most of the people that experience feelings like mine where called transgendered. Transgendered, I finally have a term for it. I also discovered that there are many different kinds of transgendered people. Not all of them wanted to be girls all of the time. Some of them just enjoyed wearing girls clothes. Well now that is interesting. Even more interesting was discovering that some of the transgendered people actually have surgery to change their bodies into that of girls. Others take hormone injections and use them to change their body shapes but don't have surgeries. It seems that there are many different kinds and degrees of transgendered people. Some of my questions are getting answers, but they are also giving me more questions!

Growing in curiosity I decided to search and see if it was possible for these people who had surgery to give birth. After a quick search I soon found out that it is not possible. In the only attempt to place a womb inside a transgender woman, the woman did not survive the surgery. Now that was something else to consider. It was definitely settled for me now that if I did decide to do this I would never be able to have children.

I stopped and tried to slow down my racing mind. I was getting too far ahead of myself. Here I am not even knowing if I even want to be a woman yet, and I am already thinking about my life as a woman. For all I know I am just a... what was that word again.... crossdresser. I was going to need more time to think about all this. I went back to the web and started browsing through different people's personal experiences and reading the stories about their lives and when and how they discovered they were transgendered.

As I was searching I discovered that it went both ways. Apparently there were also girls that wanted to be guys. This surprised me at first because I often see girls wearing guys clothes and it is perfectly acceptable. How do they then decide they want to change gender? Obviously it is more than just clothes that make a person who and what they are. I guess if a guy dresses as a girl, it doesn't actually make him a girl.

Then what does? Does anything make them a girl? It was a puzzling thought. I had just realized that was more to gender than what genetics says, and more than just male and female. Some people I discovered are born genetically between the sexes and their parents decide what they will be. Some of those people later changed from what their parents decided to make them.

This all seemed like a lot to deal with and I realized I was going to have to do a lot more research. Ok, what have I learned so far? Well there is more than just male and female when it comes to gender. Some people just enjoy occasionally dressing as the opposite sex, others go through varying steps to start to become members of the opposite sex. Some people dress for sexual excitement. I guess that what it really comes down to is gender is in our own minds and that we make our own decisions on who and what we are.

Alright now that I have figured out all that, what am I? What kind of person do I want to be? In the back of my mine I began to realize that I had just had my eyes open to a whole world of things I had never dreamed of before and I was starting a real journey of self-discovery and growth. I was deciding what kind of person and who I wanted to be. I wasn't sure where that journey would take me, but I knew one thing for certain, when it was all said and done, I would not end up as a typical male.

I decided to do a search to see if I could find a cause of transgendered feelings in people. Maybe if I could find a way to explain to my family as something that is not just in my head, but something based in science and fact they would be able to understand what I am going through. If I could prove beyond a doubt, that it was a naturally occuring thing, then they might help me rather than judge me.

I started my search and was so engrossed in what I was doing I was surprised when a hand grabbed me on the shoulder. I nearly jumped out of my chair in fear and shock and my heart started pounding. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to close the internet site as soon as I was grabbed.

I turned and looked over my shoulder to see Matt looking back at me. My heart was pounding in my chest and I began to feel dizzy and faint with fear. I couldn't seem to get my mouth and mind to work together. All that I could do was look at him and wonder how long he was standing there and how much he had read and seen.

“Hi Matt.” I finally managed to get out. I looked at him carefully looking for any hint of a reaction. Had I already spilled my secret before I was ready?