We finish up our lunch and settle back into Angi’s office. We talk for hours and Angi mentally and psychologically pokes and prods me.

She looks at me seriously and says, “Paige, we have gone through the three main options. But, let’s do it one more time, OK?”

I sigh and she continues, “First, we stop any sort of testosterone production or uptake. This completely halts your development as you are RIGHT now. Pros? We may come up with a solution that will ultimately allow you to become the man you were born to be. Cons? Well, you will be as you are right for who knows how long and there are no guarantees we will EVER be able to reverse the effects of the implant.”

She pauses and I am vehemently shaking my head no. She sighs and continues, “Second, we attempt to inhibit the aromatase in your system and allow your testosterone to run its natural course. Pros? IF we could, it would allow for you to go through puberty and finish out as a male—MOST of the effects you have experienced so far would be reversed and the rest could be dealt with in other manners. Cons? I don’t see how it can be safely done. The implant and its intended effects are too well designed to counter any inhibitors we throw at you. It is basically a completely futile effort—but I am will to try TO A POINT.”

I slow down my head shaking and start to really think about this one…

Angi notices and slows down too. She waits a bit and then continues, “Or, three, we do nothing. In that case the implant will do what IT is designed to do and you will continue down the path to the beautiful young woman that you have started to become. While I would morn you NOT going down this road, because you ARE becoming a beautiful young woman—both inside and out, I have to MOST discourage this path. Why? Pros? At the moment, it is the safest and most assured outcome—to become a WOMAN. Cons? Well, you would become a WOMAN—not something you want or ever intended. You would be labeled a ‘transgender’, which IS becoming more acceptable—but make no mistake, there are still stigmas ON TOP of being a woman. I mean look at the issues your mother’s having with your father’s board…”

I sit and think hard for quite some time. Mom and Angi are completely silent and patiently wait. I then become more resolute than ever in my commitment to continue the transition; it is the only thing that makes any sort of sense to me given my options.

I let them know, “I’m going for door number three…”

Both Mom and Angi continue to do their best to talk me out of it for a while—but I think more to test my resolve than anything.

Finally, I say, “Look, I appreciate that you’re worried about me. I’m worried about me, too; but more from the perspective that I don’t know THAT much about being a girl. The past few weeks have taught me a lot—even though I honestly was just doing what I had to do to ‘pass’ and get by for the six weeks of camp and not to experience being a girl.”

I pause and reflect a minute, “I did find out that being a girl isn’t a bad thing—it’s just a different thing. Most girls have no choice in being a girl—and, the way I see it, neither do I. Yes, being transgendered AND a woman will put me at a societal disadvantage. Is it fair? No… No more fair than it is for ANY transgendered woman that has no choice in who she is--so, let’s just make this work the best we can. OK?”

Mom comes over and gives me a big hug and wipes tears from her eyes. She says, “OK, Hon. If you’re sure. I know this is hard on you, but I am proud of you. You’re showing a maturity that I wouldn’t have expected, to be honest. I’m not sure how *I* would handle this; let alone at your age. We WILL make this work the best it possibly can, right Angi?”

Angi looks over at Mom and nods, “Of course. I will have to say that I agree with your mother. I still stand by my word that this has a great potential for disaster for you, but you’re as best informed as I can make you and you’re approaching it from the proper attitude—so I won’t stand in the way.”

She looks at Mom and asks, “I still don’t get it, though. What do you think his end-game was, well IS, I guess? I mean, how is he going to explain all of this? He HAS to know that it would come out eventually.”

Mom says, “I don’t know. I’ve been wondering that same thing.”

I say, “Well, he made me promise not to tell anyone that he helped me cheat my way into camp. It was supposed to be some sort of ‘guy-bonding’ thing—but, he said that we would BOTH get into trouble if it came out.”

Angi says, “But that still doesn’t explain how he was going to explain you actually transitioning when you found out. You’re taking this MUCH better than you should be…”

Mom says, “I’m sure he had some sort of blackmail ready to shut hi…err, her up. It should be very interesting to see how it all unfolds…”

Angi says, “Well, we may have to wait another two weeks to find out, if Paige is willing.”

Mom and I both give her a curious stare.

She looks at me and continues, “Well, you have qualified for all three of the teams you are on: ballet, swimming, and cheerleading. As such you’re invited to participate in the post-camp competitions with other camps. If you accept, then you will be with staying on another two weeks, with your team mates—not necessarily your house—to compete.”

I’m excited, in spite of myself and give a little scream—it is the competitive side of me. Mom giggles.

Angi says, “It will give you a little extra time to REALLY put yourself in the mindset of a girl and to change your mind before you leave—if you ultimately decide to do so and I DO encourage you to keep considering it. Dawn, can you ‘extend your stay’ in Europe for another two weeks? You’re welcome to stay at my house—I have plenty of room.”

Mom thinks for a couple of seconds and says, “Yes, I can make that work—if you don’t mind Sheila my lawyer stopping by for some ‘chats’.”

Angi shakes her head and says, “Not all—I would to chat with her myself. Good! It’s settled then! So, Paige, I think I know, but which team do you want to room with? Just so you know—even though Francie isn’t a camper anymore, she IS part of the ballet team as a counselor, former participant, and now student ballet teacher…”

I blush and say, “Well, yes, I think ballet is where I prefer to be.”

Mom gives me a blank look and asks, “Is there something I’m missing…?”

I giggle and blush some more as Angi explains about me being Francie’s protégé for the summer. I then sort of stutter out that she is also my girlfriend—even though she is a couple of years older than me.

Angi adds in that she is transgendered and has fully transitioned—even though she is still pre-op; she has an experimental advanced prosthesis that is semi-permanent—until she is eighteen and can have her surgery.

Mom looks stunned. She asks me dumfounded, “You have a girlfriend?”

I timidly nod and ask, “Is that OK?”

Mom hugs me and asks, “When can I meet her?”

Angi says, “Actually, you already have. She brought you in here this morning.”

Mom looks at me and giggles. She says, “Wow—she’s HOT! At the moment, I don’t have a problem with it, but we WILL talk more about it later, OK?”

I know better than to push HER—Allen had not given me any flack. Somehow, I doubt that is the thing to bring up, right now, though…

Mom looks at Angi and says, “Is it OK if I take my…daughter…into town for a quick meal and maybe a bit of shopping? We have some catching up to do.”

Angi nods and says, “Under the circumstances, actually, I INSIST! Please have her back by ten p.m., though—that is house curfew.”

Mom nods and says, “She’ll be back by nine. I have to take care of some things and find a place to stay for tonight.”

Angi says, “I’m headed back to my house around eleven. If that isn’t too late, the offer stands—effective tonight.” She smiles a genuinely sincere smile.

Mom nods and says, “I really do appreciate the offer and am more than happy to take you up on it if you’re sure it isn’t an imposition.”

They chat a few more minutes, then Angi says, “Oh, before I forget…” She grabs her purse and digs in it. She hands Mom around $500.00. Mom gives her a curious look as Angi says, “This is the rest of the money that Allen gave me to ‘take care of Paige’s needs’. It was originally $2000.00. She now has the basics any girl needs…” She giggles, “…although, her wardrobe MAY be a bit influenced by her Pink housemates. I hope you’re not TOO mad at me for indulging those…”

Mom gives me a curious look and I shrug. I say, “I assume she means the thong panties…”

Angi nods.

Mom laughs and asks, “Is there any other kind?”

We all laugh and Mom says, “OK, Paige. Come on…we have some talking to do…and what is that HEAVENLY perfume you’re wearing?”

o~O~o

“I think you can walk better in those heels than *I* can,” Mom giggles. We are walking down the main drag of the mall closest to camp—about 45 minutes away. We are both clicking our heels on the marble floors…almost in unison.

I roll my eyes and say, “You have NO idea what it means to be in PINK… I’m just getting used to 5” heels…they still KILL my toes, though.” I look at her as she giggles and ask, “Do I look ridiculous?”

Mom suddenly stops dead in her tracks and pulls me to her with a serious look. She looks me straight in the eye—and we are dead even with her in two-inch heels and me in four. She actually almost glares at me, she is so intent.

She says, “Hon, you’re more beautiful than I would EVER have imagined ANY daughter of mine being. Don’t for a MINUTE think you look ridiculous! I’m just SO sorry that I have so utterly FAILED you!”

I fight the tears and carefully wipe one away. Mom giggles and says, “And you have THAT down PERFECTLY!”

I smile lop-sidedly, shrug, and say, “Pink… Mom—I…don’t blame YOU in any way. Yes, I wish you were around more often; but only because I MISS you. And…now it seems that I will need your advice even MORE than before.”

I giggle a little…unsure of myself.

Mom smiles at me and says, “And I WILL be around more… I have been working on some solutions. Your Dad was a business wiz… BUT, that doesn’t mean that things at the office couldn’t be structured a bit differently. Now…tell me about this Francie of yours… I take it that she is into girls, then…?”

We walk into the main restaurant in the mall and are quickly seated as I gush about Francie.

After we get our food, Mom asks, “So…assuming you DO stay as Paige…you DON’T have to stay in this ‘Pink’ mode, you know?”

I slowly nod. I think about it a bit and say, “I know what you’re saying, Mom…that I could be a tom-boy. Do some of the things that I did before…”

She nods.

I sigh and say, “No…I don’t think so. You know me—I have Dad’s genes there. IF I am going to do this—I am going to do it ALL the way… I’m getting more and more used to the ‘Pink’ way… The question is, I guess, can you handle a girly-girl daughter?” I giggle.

She laughs and says, “Hon—you haven’t SEEN girly-girl! When we get home, I will show you pictures of me in high-school—from before meeting your Dad. Paige…I don’t know how to say this and it not come out wrong… But, I’m going to say it anyway and hope you take it the right way.”

She pauses, takes a shaky breath and continues, “I will ABSOLUTELY miss my son, Vick. I love him DEARLY… But, I think you will find out that our relationship will be different as mother-daughter… I will be able to talk to you at a COMPLETELY different level. I think it will be good for BOTH of us as we deal with the ‘Allen’ situation…”

I look at her and take that in. I nod after a bit and say, “Yeah…I can see that…Momma…”

She takes my hand and silently smiles at me. Our food arrives and we change the subject to…underwear. “So, I hear you’re a 30-A—going on a B,” she asks. She smiles at the look on my face and says, “I saw a VS here in the mall…”

I shrug, “I guess…I WAS a 32-A…Angi thinks I will ultimately be a 28-C; or so…maybe a D, based on my current activities…and YOU… I still don’t get all of this…”

o~O~o

I stretch as the alarm goes silent. I get up and get ready for swim practice. It is the first morning that I do so with the thought that I am actually going to practice and compete against actual PEERS… At that moment it starts to sink in… This whole time, I actually HAVE been competing them…I just didn’t know it.

I sit down and weep a few minutes. After a bit, I shake my head and compose myself before I wake the other girls… After all, at this point, for better or worse, it is MY choice to go down this road… It may be the ‘lesser of all evils choice’…but is still my choice and I AM going to make the best of it. THAT I DID learn from my Dad—and, now, my Mom, as well. The talk last night was…illuminating…

I smile as I think of what we talked about concerning Allen…and even hum a bit of ‘I feel like a dangerous woman’ as I get into my swimsuit…