I went to my drawer and pulled out the navy blue tights. I put them on and then put my school trousers back on top. At least that way I would know part of me was a girl, even if no one else knew. Yes, I know. I was asking for trouble. And I got it!

PART TWO
Six months was the longest mummy had had a boyfriend in years. Mike could be moody sometimes but then there were occasions when he had been really nice to me… well completely different, actually. It was as if every time they arrived he was in a bad mood but after we had been upstairs playing for a while he softened. Maybe seeing mum cheered him up. Once I remember they arrived and because I had gone straight to ballet from school I was still wearing my school uniform. Mike didn’t even reply when I said hello. The way he looked me up and down told me he was in a bad mood. But, later, after we had left them alone for a bit he was completely different. I had swapped tops with Harriet as usual. She brought along the red top with a girl, half devil and half angel. I had admired it last time at her house. It was a toss up between that and the silver top I came away with. Anyway, I was wearing the top and just knew it would work really well with the tartan skirt I had when we first met. I went and changed, putting on the blue tights as well. Harriet didn’t bat an eyelid when I returned. I thought she could at least say if I looked good or not. But that didn’t matter because as soon as I went to get something from downstairs Mike grabbed me, swung me through the air and told me how great I looked. I was taken by surprise, I can tell you. But, see what I mean? He could be like that. So moody to begin with and then he sort of warmed up and became as friendly as anything.

I hadn’t had a haircut since mummy met Mike. I didn’t really want one either. I liked my longer hair. Mummy always said blond hair should be long but being a dancer it had to be out of my eyes. Our teacher was very strict about that, so I had always had short hair… until now. It had covered my ears and was close to my shoulders but it looked so untidy. I liked the length but hated how untidy it was. Trouble was, if I mentioned a haircut I might end up with short hair again and I didn’t want that, so I kept quiet and mum didn’t mention it either. The subject came up when my dance teacher pulled mum aside and had a quiet word. When we were in the car I discovered that it had been about my hair.
“Seems like we should get it cut,” mum said, not too happy.
“No!” I said, too quickly, too loudly.
“Oh sweetie, I love it long too,” mummy said. “But she is right. In your eyes is no good for dancing.”
My heart sank. I didn’t want to go back to my old style. Mummy could see I was upset.
“Let’s get it tidied up at least, and take some advice on how best to grow it so it doesn’t get in your eyes,” she said at last.
I knew I could rely on her. She glanced at me as she drove and smiled. Something was on her mind.
“And we could get your ears pierced at the same time,” she said, quietly.
I looked at her. Had I heard her correctly?
“If you would like,” she continued, testing the water. I didn’t know what to say. I worried that if I sounded too keen she would think there was something wrong with me. On the other hand this opportunity might not come again.
“If you insist,” I said back, quietly. Mummy went to respond but then didn’t and smiled at me instead.

So it was that I had my hair cut, just a little to give it shape, and my ears pierced. The young girl who pierced them looked at me in my school uniform, tie and everything, but with longish blond hair and was obviously trying to work out if I was a girl or boy. I knew I wasn’t boy-like, well not like the other boys in my class who were all bigger and tougher than me. But neither was I a girl. I sat in her chair wishing I had thought to wear my other clothes, my pink top for instance. But I didn’t wear them out or anything. Not so anyone could see me.
“Whose idea was it to get your ears pierced?” she asked, obviously hoping information would help her work it out.
“My mummy’s.”
“They will certainly make you look pretty.” She prodded some more, “You’ll have all the boys after you.”
She might be right, I reflected, but not in the way she thought. She fired her little gun twice.
“Not many boys want two earrings,” she continued hoping for a reaction. Nothing.
“Of course, all the girls do.” She held up the mirror and I saw my new face, one that was both opened up by my new hairstyle and decorated with two gold studs. I was simultaneously delighted with my new look and full of dread. What would they make of these at school? And what would they make of a hair style which was cut to make my face look more rounded. At least the hair covered my earrings. If I were careful no one would see them at school.

When we got home Mike and Harriet were there. They were coming most evenings now as well as weekends, so it was no surprise. What was surprising, though, was that Harriet had been to the hairdressers as well. But her hair was now short. I mean short like mine used to be. Much shorter than most girls. I didn’t like to say anything but she looked a bit too boyish.
“Dad said I could have the style I wanted,” she said proudly.
“I think it suits you, Harry,” Mike said. He was in a good mood obviously.
“Its much shorter than yours,” Harriet said, pleased. “And dad took me shopping afterwards.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so said nothing. Mummy told me to show off my new look and when I didn’t respond she came behind me and lifted my hair to reveal my ears. Harriet didn’t look too jealous.
“Glad I didn’t have it done,” she said. Mike beamed. He was impressed.
“Suits you, Ollie,” he said. “You look lovely. Really pretty”
“That’s what I told her,” mummy said as Harriet grabbed me taking me upstairs to show off her new stuff; boots which I thought made her look like a thug, but I didn’t say so, and a denim jacket that was the sort of thing I wouldn’t be seen dead in. She really did look quite tough, but I didn’t like to say anything.

Harriet was keen that I told her about the ear piercing. “Did it hurt?”
I answered everything she wanted to know, tried to reassure her that it wouldn’t be painful but she thought it wasn’t for her. Something was nagging away at me but I couldn’t think what it was. I was actually really pleased that I had lovely earrings but I was scared about the reaction at school. I just hoped that I could get away with no one noticing.
“I hope I don’t get aggro at school,” I said.
“Better not,” Harriet replied making me realise I’d voiced my anxiety. “Or they’ll have me to answer to. I’ll protect you.”
Shame we didn’t go to the same school.

And then, when Mike suggested that we all went out to eat to sort of celebrate, what we were celebrating I wasn’t sure, we all agreed because it seemed like a fun thing to do.
“Get changed out of your uniform, Ollie,” mummy said, “and be ready in about ten minutes.”
I went upstairs thinking about the outfit I should wear. Apart from the girls at ballet, no one outside the house had seen me wearing what I thought of as my gorgeous clothes. And I knew that I wanted to look really good, really stylish when we went out this evening. But did I dare wear a skirt? What if someone from school saw me? I hesitated, undecided what to do for the best but when mummy called up to say we were definitely going in five minutes, ready or not. I agonised over the choice.
“Do you want people to look at you or not look at you?” a voice said from the doorway. It was Mike.
“Both” I replied. It was true. I wanted people to see how I was dressed and notice me but then I wanted to, I don’t know, get away with it. Know I would be safe and not abused.
“Why not stop thinking about other people and dress as the person you want to be!” Mike said. I looked at him. He smiled at me. I smiled back.

So, I went out that evening wearing my pink top, denim skirt with navy blue tights and my new pink All Stars to finish off the look. I could mix and match! I went downstairs, where Harry was getting impatient and acting all big in his gear, waiting to see if I surprised, or shocked, mummy or Mike but they smiled as if this was perfectly natural. Just as we were going out the door, mummy said, “hang on a minute” and raced upstairs. Harry groaned at the latest delay but then mummy returned, hair brush in hand, and proceeded to brush and pull my hair into a ponytail. I had no idea she even had hair bands. “To show off your pretty ears,” she said to me.
“Can we go, now?” Harry moaned. Honestly, he can be so unreasonable.

I didn’t feel comfortable the whole time, but mostly I knew I had made the right choice. Nobody at the restaurant gave me odd looks or shouted abuse. Mike noticed me looking around a lot. “Relax,” he said. “You look like you are hiding something.” I was. If anyone found out I was for it. “Do you wish you’d chosen something else to wear?” Mike asked.
“No,” I replied and I meant it, so I did relax a little and every time I moved my legs I was reminded I was wearing tights, such a lovely feeling.

Mum and Mike looked at each other across the table; it felt like some sort of signal which it was because Mike said they had a big announcement.
“We think the time has come…” Mike began,
“…to all live together as a family,” mummy finished. They both looked a bit anxious but Harry and I were delighted.
We were all going to live together! You won’t believe the excitement this caused. Everyone was thrilled. I turned and hugged Harry who tried to force me off but I could tell he was pleased too. I hugged mummy and I hugged Mike.
“A few changes are needed, first,” mummy continued. “We need to decorate some bedrooms. Harry will have your room Ollie and you will move into the spare room.”
I wasn’t so keen on that idea. My bedroom was bigger than the spare room and it didn’t seem fair to have to move out but I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to make a fuss and spoil the moment. I thought I would tackle it later, with mummy when we were alone.

That night in bed I thought back over the day. I couldn’t help playing with my earlobes. It felt so strange but wonderful and once again I had that warm glow as the electricity passed through me. I wondered if anyone would agree with Mike and think I was pretty. I thought about Harry saying he would protect me and I quite liked that idea. Maybe we would be able to go to the same school, after all. Maybe mummy and Mike would want us to be together more and he would be able to… I stopped. I realised what had been nagging away at me, under the surface, all evening. Mum had referred to me as ‘her’. “That’s what I told her,” she had said earlier. Her! Meaning me. And I had thought of Harry as ‘he’. A simple truth hit me: Harry was a better boy than I was… and…and this was the big one… I was a better girl than Harry. What’s more, mummy and Mike knew it too. And this revelation was… was… really quite wonderful! I didn’t know what would happen next but the thought of having a new brother kept me warm as I drifted off to sleep, especially as l was the new sister!

I had lovely dreams that night but the next day dawned with me dreading school. I wanted to talk to mummy about when she called me ‘her’ when talking about me but I didn’t know how to bring the subject up and I started to worry that I had maybe misheard. How embarrassing would that be? In any case, the idea of facing the boys at school was enough to keep me occupied. I put on my uniform and tied my tie and looked in the mirror as I brushed my hair. Someone who was not really a boy and not really a girl, looked back.

That day at school I got such abuse when they saw my hair they must have thought it was Christmas.
“Look at our fairy dancer!” yelled one.
“She’s had her hair done,” another joined in. I ignored them. My attitude had changed. I didn’t flinch every time I was called she. Neither did I worry what they thought of me. Years of taking abuse for being a dancer had made me strong. A few comments about my hairstyle hurt but I got through the day without any more trouble than I usually had. And there were more good things than normal. Catrin, the girl from my ballet class, told me my new style suited me and said I was stylish, even in my school uniform. And my teacher, Mr Harvey, stopped me in the corridor at lunchtime to say I looked happier. I stared at him. What did he mean? I didn’t really like school, too much aggravation, but I did well in lessons and worked hard. I got used to not being Mr Popular but I didn’t give much thought to whether or not I was happy.
“Thanks,” I said, because I didn’t know what else to say to that.
“Are you?” he asked.
“What?
“Happier.”
“Why did you ask?” Teachers can be confusing sometimes.
“Oh, I don’t know,” he continued. “I’d say you seem more at ease with yourself.” He smiled. I obviously still looked bemused so he continued. “You look more like you know who you are and what you want out of life. That’s what I have always liked about you. You are someone who doesn’t let what other people think get in the way. That takes guts.” And then he walked off down the corridor. Eventually, I smiled. He had paid me a compliment after all.

I got through the whole day with nobody discovering my pierced ears. I was so conscious of being exposed I stayed away from everyone else at playtime and lunchtime. I didn’t even hang out with the girls as I normally did. Funny that, at home, I was so proud of my new earrings and kept looking in the mirror to see how I looked wearing them.

At home, decorating had been in full swing all day and they were ready for the big moment. They certainly didn’t waste any time! Harry and I were told to wait until everything was ready and then summoned for the dramatic unveiling. Harry nearly burst a blood vessel he was so excited. One bed had Manchester United duvet and pillow covers with a matching lamp shade. The wallpaper had a pattern of soccer players right across the wall with a Manchester United team poster. Every last thing had a football on it or a soccer player kicking a ball into outer space- very boring. You can safely say that Harry loved it. It didn’t look anything like my old room and I have to say that I felt a little bit strange because coming back in felt like I was a stranger in my own place. Except that it was Harry’s room now and I really shouldn’t be selfish.

Next day at school, I hoped my luck would hold out but whereas the day before I had kept my wits about me and had been careful about keeping my ears covered, I just forgot. Maybe the effort was too much. Not only that but, as I woke up that morning, I knew I’d rather be a girl. I kept saying it to myself, over and over under my breath as I was getting ready for school.
“I’d rather be a girl.”
“What’s that?” Harry asked as he came back in the room.
“Nothing,” I mumbled. I was not ready to say it out loud, yet. But then I wasn’t ready to let go of the feeling I had when I dressed in the lovely clothes and, I know I shouldn’t have done it and I know I should have checked with mum but I wanted to feel more like a girl at school even though I also wanted to avoid trouble. Why couldn’t they just let me be who I was? Anyway, I went to my drawer and pulled out the navy blue tights. I put them on and then put my school trousers back on top. At least that way I would know part of me was a girl, even if no one else knew. Yes, I know. I was asking for trouble.

“Look at this everyone, she’s had her ear pierced!” The shout carried to all parts of the playground and a whole gang of boys came running. I had only brushed the hair behind my ears without thinking. Immediately, a passing thug noticed and yelled for the fun to start. While he held me, his friend, name very unimportant, theatrically lifted my hair with his finger to reveal my earring. I would have got away with it except that someone joked that, being a girl, I would have had both ears pierced. My heart sank, further. He lifted my hair on the other side with the same exaggerated gesture and then couldn’t contain himself when he realised he was right. They nearly wet themselves laughing and dancing about.
“You need a pony tail,” Callum laughed, pulling my hair really tightly behind me. “You need to show off your beautiful ears.”
The way he grabbed my hair into a ponytail really hurt but I pulled myself free and they let me go. I walked off with just about the whole school laughing at me. I would never live it down, I thought as I rushed away.

I didn’t cry. Not then. I was crushed inside but desperate not to let it show. And I had a lot of attention from girls who wanted to check I was okay. I was relieved to have their support even though I knew it would only make things worse. It did. At the end of playtime, I needed the loo desperately. I tried to avoid the toilets at school- a bully’s paradise at the best of times. I decided the best course of action was to wait until the boys were heading back to class and then sneak in. Getting told off for being late in class was far better than trying to negotiate the bullies who hung out there.
“What you doing in here?” greeted me as I entered. “Girls aren’t allowed in here,” the voice continued. It was Callum. I tried to ignore him.
“Cover yourselves up, boys,” he continued. “Don’t let her see.”
“She fancies you,” a voice from behind me said. I just wanted to pee and get out of there. I went in a cubicle and tried to block out their voices. There must have been about four of them altogether. When you spend your time keeping your head down you miss essential details, like how many are ganging up.
‘I wish Harry was here,’ I said to myself. And I thought again about how much I wanted to be a girl. I would never have to come back in here again. I would be safe.
“Oh no!” came the mock shrieks of panic. “There’s a girl in the boys’ loo!”
I finished and hesitated about going back to face them. Weren’t they late for lessons? Didn’t they care? I thought I would wait until they were bored. I waited and waited but I could still hear them outside. Then I thought, I’d better make it look as if I was still busy, maybe then they would get bored and leave me alone. So I did. I dropped my trousers and sat on the loo seat. What a fool, I was!
“He’s wearing tights!” Callum’s yell would surely have been heard across the whole school. He had climbed up in the cubicle next door to look over and, of course, I was sitting there with my tights up but my trousers around my ankles.

I was in a panic. Bright red and with tears in my eyes, I opened the door to rush out. I couldn’t. They grabbed me as I tried to push through. There were hands all over me and they had my shoes and trousers off before I could even think about putting up a fight. Then, wearing just tights and a shirt they pushed me out into the corridor where all the classrooms with internal windows had a clear view of me and my predicament. I cried. Finally, I gave in and cried. I curled up on the floor, against the wall and cried my eyes out.

There was a hand on my shoulder and a soft voice.
“Hey,” it said.
It sounded so gentle I found myself saying, “It is too hard to be a boy.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think,” the voice said. “I’m really sorry.” I looked up and couldn’t believe that the voice belonged to Callum. He was the one with the kind, gentle voice. I cried some more. He looked shocked that he had reduced me to this state. Then, he did something so surprising. He hugged me and shouted at his friends to bring me my trousers.

And so it was that I was helped to the headteacher’s office by the very person who had been so horrible. Callum confessed everything and sounded really sorry. He didn’t try to play down his part. He gave a complete picture of the things he had said going back over months. I would have been impressed if I wasn’t so upset. I don’t know how long I stayed in and around the office. I do know that when Mike and mummy came I was so relieved and, even though I had to wait while they had a long meeting with the headteacher, I was pleased when they took me home.

Home to my new room. They had both taken time off work to re-decorate the spare room for me. It was a girl’s paradise.
“It isn’t finished yet,” Mike said apologetically. “We had to down tools to get the school when we got the phone call.”
I looked around at the dusky pink walls and the white and pink curtains. The décor was everything a girl would dream of so I cried again. I didn’t think there were any more tears left but they kept on coming.
”I’m not very good at being a boy,” I said between sobs. Mike left the room and mummy hugged me and then started to undress me. She was talking very quietly as she undid the buttons on my shirt and soothed me as she helped me take off my trousers and tights. When I was undressed she wrapped a new dressing gown around me. It was pink and white striped and went perfectly with the room. As I controlled my tears mummy ran a bath and said, “everything will be alright.”

After the bath mummy helped me dry myself, something she hadn’t done for years. Then she told me to lift my arms and she dropped a new nightdress over me and handed over some fluffy slippers.
“Are they Harry’s?” I asked.
Mummy laughed. “Could you see Harry wearing these?” No. I couldn’t.
“He wouldn’t be seen dead in these.” I laughed.
“Course not. They are designed for a lovely little girl and they suit you perfectly,” mum said hugging me close again. I started to feel better. I thought that being ready for bed in the middle of the day felt a bit peculiar. Then I thought how strange it was that I thought being ready for bed was more peculiar than being dressed in girls’ nightwear. I really was turning into a girl. And what was more, I wanted to.