I am holding onto the bar of the train as it heads south to Chicago. I am fighting an awful headache. The last four plus days have been awful. I endured tirades. I endured guilt speeches. A fellow pastor called me up on the phone to berate me for giving it all up for filthy Mammon. I rubbed my head as I thought of the discussion I had with Dan. He had called when news had reached him. It had been guilt and preaching and Jesus. But I wasn’t sure I wanted any of that anymore anyway.

I still nursed a near Migraine as I got off the train and walked north up the road to Fashionable, Inc. I was fingering my ID card in my pocket. I had come in jeans and t-shirt. They said that orientation was simple and relaxed. They also said that the uniform would be here. As I went through the entry, Gary was there to meet me. He saw my face. “It went bad this weekend didn’t it?” I shake my head. “It did go bad, and I am sure more phone calls and angry statements are coming.” He pats me on the back. "Well, walk into your locker and leave it all there."

I walk into a room about the size of our bathroom at home. There is a sink on my left. Down from there is a toilet. There is a nice walk in shower at the end. On the right is a locker with a bench next to it. I use the electronic code I had been given by Gary to open the locker. As I had been instructed, I placed my wallet, my cell phone, and everything that said, “Michael” into the locker. Gary stood behind my back and watched. He added. “This is the place where everything that is home must go. Eventually, we will sync your number up with a company cell phone that you will get at orientation. Here is where you can put pictures and anything that shows your family. But you cannot go beyond that.”

“Before you continue, please change into the trainee garment provided. As the day continues workers will replenish this with what is needed. You can lay your clothes at the second level of the locker. When you are dressed, step out through this door, and I will lead you on.” There is a door between the locker and shower. Gary walks out and leaves me be. I place my cellphone, watch, wallet, and car keys on the top shelf. I strip out of my clothes and put on the company issued clothes. They feel like workout clothes. When I was changed, I knocked on the door, and Gary reentered.

Gary leads me through that door. “This is the way you will enter into orientation and training. As an associate in training you will be using this room and using it as you will later a different locker and space. You are not to enter any other way. Associates in training are not permitted to intermingle with associates, except their manager. You will receive your company cell phone and protocol and more information during your first day of orientation.” As he finished speaking, he had me standing before a classroom. “This is where you will begin. I will see you at the end of the day. Enjoy the first day on the job.” He patted me on the back one more time, and then bounced down the hallway.

I looked around the room at the other would-be associates. There are all men, about my age. None of them looked spectacular. There were different ethnicities. The shape and size all shouted – not impressive. Don’t hire these goons. I look around and pick a chair near the front of the classroom. I sit down and watch while others like me enter.

I’m looking toward the entry so that I don’t even notice a muscle-bound physically fit man bounce into the room. I jump at his arrival. “Hello, Ladies. Welcome to orientation. My name is Victor, and you get me as your trainer to start the day. Before we get into any specifics, let’s lay down a couple of ground rules.” He looks at each of us, until he has our full attention.

"First of all, I want to start with the all-important fine print. No doubt, you are here, with visions of sugar plum fairies dancing in your head, and each one of you is one of those sugar plum fairies. You have seen it happen. I will not deny that this is in your near future. But you need to understand some important pieces of the puzzle. Let’s get our heads out of the clouds. You may not all be able to get a cryx. Some of you will not be able to handle the final test. Some of you will not be able to make one. Others of you will decide that it is not for you. That will be okay. In each of those cases, Fashionable will fulfill their commitment to you for five years. At the end of those five years, they will negotiate with you to see if you can or will continue in the company at that or a reduced rate."

"The next thing I want to do is hand out your schedule." He passed out a single sheet of paper blocked out with times.

"As you see your schedules, you will notice the importance of exercise. Yes, the cryx is a sugar plum maker, but your outward body without it will reflect the body with it. For instance, if you are fat and out of shape before you wear the cryx, you will become a woman who is fat and out of shape. This is unacceptable for our associates. We cannot allow our associates to misrepresent the company in that way. You will spend the majority of your time in these first three months learning what it is like to be a woman: fashion, grooming, and etiquette. You also will consult at least bi-weekly to daily with your recruiter. He/she will make sure that things are moving smoothly. They will provide counseling and help with our work. As we begin the last three months, they will consult with you on how much your schedule will need to change. But obviously, what I have laid out is the most important step."

He stops for a minute as another individual walks into the room.

Portfoloios are handed to each of us. " You are receiving a folder. In this folder is your most up to date ID with clearance level. You have received a company issued cell phone. Inside is a company issued Chromebook as well. These items are to remain in your lockers when you leave at night. It is against policy for trainees or associates to take company materials home without proper clearance. Now that basic orientation is finished for the day, please stand and follow me. We will be going on to my yoga studio."

We follow him into a basic workout room laid out with fifteen mats. Each of us walks to our mats. Victor begins by teaching us and leading us through basic yoga moves. As we master one move after the other he moves us into more complex moves. When we tire or grow weary, he gauges us. Sometimes he pushes buttons to keep us on track. At other times, he backs off and lets us rest. But after 30 minutes, he has me tired and sore in places I wouldn’t dream.

Straight from there, he marches us back to the classroom. Waiting for us is another man. “I am Jeremy,” He says with kind of a lisp, “I am your fashion teacher. I will be instructing you on fashion. I will try to teach you what clothes work together. I will instruct you on what to wear and what not to wear. We will mix it with your complexion. Before you graduate from this class, you must have learned how to put together a day outing outfit, a night on the town outfit, a meeting outfit, and an around the house outfit.

Jeremy began to teach us about what colors went together and what were fashion fauxes. He also taught us what men ought to wear and not wear. He taught that there were some basic similarities between fashion for men and women. But his important point: “If you are unable to care how you look as a man, you will discover the same to be true for you as a woman. The cryx does not change your clothing and make you magically able to appear put-together. You will have to do this yourself.

Fashion was over and we found ourselves back in Victor’s hands. This time we had gone to a different room with bikes and treadmills, and all sorts of torture devices. We were running and moving and nonstop for one half hour. Victor stopped things at 11am for showers. “You ladies stink. You need to hit the showers and clean yourselves up. Remember. Start thinking of taking care of yourselves now.” Then, he stalked out of the room.

A shower was much appreciated, but I didn’t want to dawdle. I was out of the shower and dressed and attempted to groom myself. I was out – probably too quickly for lunch. The lunchroom was a cafeteria. We had assigned seats, two chairs per table. Today, our recruiters ate with us. “Each of you are being served meals that fit your nutrition meal plan,” Gary said as I looked at my salad with a small grouping of grilled chicken. We each had a company issued bottle for water that we were timed to get drunk. This was my third glass. Gary discussed my schedule, my meal plan, my family life, and everything else in between.

But lunch was over too soon. We were back in a different room with Juan. Juan taught us to groom our faces. He had us look into our mirrors and see the blemishes and whatever ugly things were. He had us apply lotions or medicines or whatever we needed for our individual deformities. In the background he chatted about make-up, hair does and other things.

Grooming was only a half hour, and then we were back to cardio. Before we started Victor urged us to eat fresh fruit and nuts. I turned my nose up at the nuts, but Victor pushed and I did try a roasted nut. It was okay. Then, we were on the run again. Victor pushed us as hard as before, but I could feel the drag.

If that wasn’t bad enough, he marched us back to the yoga room for abs. One half hour was short, but it was agony as I moved my heavy stomach this way and that way. It was over before I knew it. Then, Victor had us finish with our yoga. He urged us to empty our minds and relax. He urged us to release all the negative energy and feelings and just enjoy the moment. He worked us gently down, and before we knew it we were sweaty and done.

I was back in my locker room. I had showered and groomed. I had changed back into my clothes. I had a handful of nuts and a banana. I had a bottle of Dasani to go. Then I was walking toward the trains, riding north to Waukegan. Then I was in the car, driving home.
I walked in the door, sore and exhausted. “How was your first day dear?” I looked at her and smiled. “I am physically drained. They believe that we need to be in shape for the schedule and work they have ahead of us. They focused two or so hours just on that, and nutrition too.” She smiled sweetly at me, and responded. “Good. I was visiting with Gary’s wife, Dawn, today. She and I got together. We went to this new workout place she told me that caters to family of Fashionable employees. We worked out together and exchanged meal ideas. She gave me this suggestion for the meal.” I smiled weakly. I was partly glad, but I was hungry. Unfortunately for me I was too tired to go out and get anything else.