After a day of days for me, a day in which I affirmed my femininity and my writing. After a day filled with interviews with Radio, Television, and Newspaper, a little while ago I got word that Mom is back in the hospital with what appears to be a major stroke.
And I am faced with a dilemna. What do I do? Do I go to mom's side, knowing she won't even know I'm there, or do I go ahead with the plan already in motion and do the book signing? Will it do her any good to have me there, with all the other family members? Will it do me any good to sit there, knowing there isn't anything I can do to help her? Would she tell me, if she could, that I have to go do this signing, knowing it is a pivotal moment in my life, the biggest thing to happen to me IN my life?
I WANT to go be with her...but to do so is to deny a chance that might never come again.
I just don't know what to do.
On the one hand, I can't even afford to get to the town she's in, even though it's only 20 miles away. On the other hand, it's my MOTHER, and isn't she worth any sacrifice on my part?
Do I want to be in the same place with my sisters, knowing they hate what I'm doing and will probably not even let me see Mom, dressed the way I HAVE to dress? Is it better for all concerned if I just stay away and pray for her recovery, without any further conflicts from her children, in the hospital where she might hear us arguing or fighting over my mode of dress?
I have worked so long and so hard to reach this place in my life where I can finally BE who I am. Do I just abandon it now? Will I be able to re-start if I have to stop living my RLT for God knows how long? Can I even DO this book signing with Mom on my mind? If I try to re-schedule the signing, can the store DO that, or will they just say, this is your one chance. We can't re-schedule with all the publicity that's already out there?
I think I know what Mom would have me do, and that's to go ahead with the signing, but that's only because I am her child and she loves me and wants me to succeed, but am I a selfish son of a bitch to want to do that?
So many questions and no answers are forthcoming from my tired old head.
In the end, I will probably do just that. Go ahead with the signing and try to put on a smile for 2 hours, then come home, change back into Keith, and beg a ride from someone to get to the hospital, hopefully in time. My sisters already hate me, so this won't make any difference between me and them. Also, I feel like I would be letting the rest of you down, if I canceled the signing and, more than that, letting myself down after years of preparation and planning.
Yes, I know. This makes me a self-serving, selfish bitch who only cares about herself, even when her Mother might be dieing. Sometimes I just want to go away and never come back. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. This is one of those times. As usual with me, I'll never do anything about that either. I can't seem to finish anything anyway. Why should that be any different?
Catherine Linda Michel
Comments
Lose/Lose situation
I wish I could offer you some sage advice, but I can't. In this case you are going to have to follow your heart. But I doubt anyone here is going to feel that you let us down. You gotta do what you gotta do, whether it's go to the signing or go to the hospital.
Virtual hugs,
Karen J.
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
I'm so sorry Catherine
My mom fell getting out of the car today and conked her head on the sidewalk...according to my Dad she doesn't seem to have anything like a concussion, but did need a couple of staples on her scalp.
I believe you should do the book signing, but I also think afterwards you should go to the hospital as yourself. You already said the sister's disapprove/hate you so why should you dress to appease them? You are going for your mother, and if she accepts you, that's all that matters as far as visiting her. Be strong for her, and for yourself.
You already took the huge step of working as yourself, that was with co-workers and strangers all week. Your family already knows, any problems are on them, not on you.
{HUGS}
Alexis
Cathy, I Understand
But you need to do the book signing for yourself. Then if you have the energy, go see your Mother as yourself. DO NOT let them tell you how to dress. You love your mother, THAT is what matters.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Simple. Do Both.
Go to the booksigning. Cut it a bit short, and then head out to the hospital to sit vigil, even if hours are over. You'd be able to sit in the E.R. waiting room. Oh, and I wouldn't bother changing clothes/identities. Not after radio and tv interviews!
I'm with the others
If you can possibly do it, try to do both. That probably means going to see your Mom after the signing, but with transportation problems, better not try it before the signing.
Our hearts go out to you with your dilemma, but we also know you can do it.
HUGs
Holly
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Holly
Cathy my friend
From what you've told me I believe too that she would want you to do the signing. Yes you should go to her afterwards, but like Pippa I believe you must remain true to yourself. From what you've said they won't accept you no matter how you are attired. You, after all, won't be there for them but for her. Your mom knows about Cathy and I don't think for a moment she would have problems with how you are dressed. As you said she loves you, nothing else matters. If there is a problem you have your letter.
Love and great big hugs!
Grover and Paula
IMO - You made a committment...
... to do the signing. While I quite understand your desire to be with your mother. Most of us would probably prefer to be with our mothers. I know my mother would want me to follow through with my committments.
Whatever you decide though, you need to do it without second thoughts. If you spend all your time second guessing...
Good Luck
Annette
What would your Mom want?
As a parent myself, I have spent my much of my life, hopes, prayers, resources and efforts into raising my children to be the best they could be. My hopes and prayers are that they will succeed in whatever they do, but most especially in what they themselves are proud of. I can't speak for your mother, but MY youngest daughter has got her B.F.A. in creative writing; and if I were in the hospital like your mother, I would tell her to go to the signing. I would want her to tell me about it when she got back and I was able to hear and understand. I would take pride in having the world recognize just how wonderful and talented she is.
Yes, guilt is something that is hard to live with, but so is regret. Ask your mother what you should do and listen with your heart, and I know you will have your answer.
Music is the language of the soul.
Music is the language of the soul.
No great insights but go with your heart
I suspect that is do the book signing and go to the hospital AS YOU, your sisters be damned.
Mom accepted you, the woman. What harm is it you can do to them, your sisters, by being who you are? Is TG *catching*? Do you covet their husbands? Will you lead their children off to TG and godless oblivion? Of course not. Since they already treat you with contempt, be polite, be well mannered but be yourself.
It is their loss. And as my mom would have said, your actions are what count, not your religious beliefs.
She learned there are many so caled pios, *good people* who are hatefilled rats in disguise. What they, elders in her church, said to her after my older sister was born severely disabled is disgusting. And what is sicker, they believed it. But her family stood by her despite several of them staying in the faith.
My diatribe aside, what matters is how you treat others. What other say is irrelevant. It may hurt but it is irrelevant.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Two Cents Worth
You are a courageous lady. You've set up the book signing and the media interviews. You are committed to being Cathy in full public view. Hold your head high and go to your mother's side afterwards as Cathy. And to me there's no sense of selfishness or anything to be ashamed of in that. I wish you all the very best,
Hugs,
Joanne
Gestures...
Gestures, no matter how important, are still just gestures. I know that if I was in your mother's place, I would feel really, really bad if one of my children gave up the opportunity of a lifetime to stand by my side -- even if I was conscious at the time and could appreciate it.
Do your mom a favor and continue with your plans. Whether you see her or not, praying for her will do more good than anything else.
As for your siblings... well, it's their problem if they can't accept you for who you are. The fact that you are going through all the trials proves that you have more than enough courage. The fact that you are agonizing over the opportunity to see your mother proves that you are a caring person.
I see your point of regressing to 'Keith mode' in order to keep the peace. Still, will it work? Will they remain silent if you go in ill-fitting boy clothes, or will they snipe at you no matter what you do? You probably know them well enough to answer that.
I'll definitely say a prayer for you. I'm confident that you'll do the right thing, and not let the negative opinions of others force you to go where you don't want to go. If you go as yourself, I'm sure you'll prove that you have more class and maturity than your siblings by ignoring their snipes and carrying on as if they were saying nothing hurtful.
Ray Drouillard
RLT
Would it make you fail your Real Life Test if you went to the hospital pretending to be a guy? I'm not exactly sure how that works.