I took out my blade it was spawned from an old shaving razor I broke apart. That was the trickiest thing harvesting the blades without cutting up your fingers. As I sat in the dirty mens room alone I looked around and held my blade close. Nothing too fantastic was written or drawn on the walls just the usual tags and phone numbers. Part of me hesitated as I gently put the blade against my skin and looked at it.

A thought passed through my head what would Sherelle do when she saw my scars? Hopefully she would be like most people and just ignore them but I know she wont. Sherelle isnt like that at all shes too genuine and caring thats one of the things that attracted me to her.

Could I really do this? Im supposed to be excited for the next two days unable to contain my joy. Yet here I am with a blade in my hand about to cut myself like so many times before. Letting out a slow sigh I couldnt hesitate anymore the guilt was eating at me. The blade pressed harder against my skin and I slit it across my arm. Blood didnt poor immediately from the wound like you see in movies instead it took a minute. I liked how it felt and how the new cut looked. Just one more cut wont hurt anything right Im already going to hell. Underneath the fresh cut I slit my pale flesh again and before I could tell myself just one more I put my blade back to sleep in my wallet. Before I could do more damage than what Ive already done to myself.

Once upon a time my blades were my closest friends they were always there for me. Never once did I have to worry about them answering they were just there without strings. I cared for them deeply so much so that I actually personified them. My favorite even had a name, baby dispare thats the one I keep in my wallet so its always with me. The blood started to drip on the floor and I quickly grabbed some toilet paper. There wasnt a chance in hell itd clot with just this but I keep gauze in my trunk just in case. As I pressed it to my now bleeding cuts the paper almost instantly turned red but itd do me til I get to the car. Just then I heard someone come in the bathroom and start talking.

"Fuck Annabelle how can I tell you how I truly feel?" He sounded on the verge of tears if he wasnt crying already as I opened the stall with my board in hand. It was Trey and he looked at me in surprise as he "itched" at his eyes, "So your Trey." I said simply and looked at him emotionless "Tell me how do you feel about her?" One of my eyebrows raised as his look of shock grew, "Howd you know my name? Who are you?" He stammered and I replied cooly, "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Now answer the question." His eyes dropped and he said nervous. "Well Im in love with this amazing girl and Im so scared to be hurt by her."

Looks like we might actually have a decent one for once thank God. I dont think I could get in another fight today with the way my body has been. "And her name is Annabelle huh? How bout we strike up a deal." Trey looked at me slowly and nodded, "Im her brother and you never saw me in here understand? Now I dont hate you yet which is rare so if you never saw me I'll help you out. First off I saw how happy you make her out there and Im gonna give you some advice. Dont even think of hurting my sister if you do we will have a problem and I like to fight. You cant hide from me either I will find you. With that said I want you to tell her how you feel dont be afraid anymore ok? Trust me." I patted his back and walked out, "Dont forget man you never saw me." Bel was sitting under the tree still smiling to herself as she waited for him.

Then I noticed the trail I was leaving on the ground, "Shit." I said to myself as I dropped my board and hopped on, I ollied onto a rail and 50-50ed it to the parking lot. Luckily I could see my car it was close by. I really shouldnt cut in public anymore its too troublesome. Fumbling my keys I unlocked the trunk and grabbed the gauze and medical tape cussing to myself silently. I peeled off the now soaked red toilet paper and tossed it in my trunk. After I placed the gauze on the cuts I put the tape on it should clot in no time now. A voice in my head said I should leave now while I still had the balls to do this. Tossing my skateboard and helmet in the trunk I took a deep breath.

Theres no turning back now I have to do this, no matter what I had to. I got in and rested my head on the steering wheel and looked at the bear. I'll never forget when I got it for her. She sent me a picture a few days before of her with one just like it and I decided to hunt one down. When I found it I video called her and asked if she was ready for her surprise she nodded all smiles. Then I put the bear on camera and said "Look what I found for you." All that was on her face was utter shock her jaw dropped and the first words out of her mouth were, "Are you serious?"
Meanwhile I was so amused by her reaction I couldnt help laughing.

That was the first time in a long time I really laughed and Im not surprised she was the cause. What if all this is too much though? What if this is too fast for her and she turns me away? A few tears escaped at these thoughts there was so many ways this could go wrong. Am I really ready for this? Can I really put it all on the line again after what happened before?

As much as I hated to do it I was making Sherelle pay for what my ex did to me. I hated it but it was true and Im trying so hard to stop but I dont know if Im getting any better. Shes been paying for it sinch I broke up with my ex Sherelle deserves so much better than me. My ex was probably one of the worst girlfriends in history she did everything she could to hurt and break me. By the end I was basically a pet and she discarded me when she was done with me. After I was so lost like a dog whose food dish got moved to the other side of the house.

Still half lost in memories of torment and possible new despair my phone went off. Without needing to even look I already knew who it was and what was going on. Looking at the screen confirmed my assumption it was darling Bel Bel. That was the last thing I was in the mood for right now. I tossed my phone on the passengers side and kicked the door with my good leg. "Sis get it through your head! I dont fucking care!!" I screamed and hit my head against the steering wheel. Letting out a groan I knew I needed to get out of here. Within the next few minutes my sister would drag Trey to the parking lot and tap on my window. Then with a new glee filled attitude wil freak about Trey's confession to her. Part of me was so sick of all this, this routine we now have.

My sister is so self centered it drives me insane to the point I wonder why I stick around. Like right now if she found out I cut myself shed yell at me then talk about how that makes her feel. Over the years shes tried to change and it worked some but she always went back to her old ways. Theres so much running through my head the last thing I need is her shit. Quickly I threw my car in reverse and backed out then sped off I needed to be alone and figure shit out. Just to rethink everything hopefully she wont call back anytime soon. I needed to know I was doing the best possible thing and I wont regret it. I couldnt go home if I did Id lose the courage and not go for it. Stopping at a red light I thought about my hiding place that Bel didnt know about. I looked around at the beaten down suburb it looked like a ghost town. Only difference was that all the stores here were open, as the light turned green my phone went off again.

I yelled loudly with anger and pulled over "Jesus fucking christ sis I dont wanna talk right now!" At the risk of ruining her mood I knew she would keep calling if I didnt answer. "What?" I asked as I answered she squeeled happily and immediately began running off. After a minute or so I said monotone, "Bye I cut myself love you." Click, I hung up and put my phone in the cup holder. Now she would either call back screaming at me or not bother so she could focus on being happy.

Thats one of the things I want most is my sister to be happy dont mean I wanna hear about it though. It seems like thats all I ever hear anymore everyone around me is happy. After a while it gets old I dont know if its because Im not happy or what. Honestly thats probably why everyone around me is so happy and flaunting it so much its almost like rubbing it in my face. Meanwhile Im just here miserable nine times out of ten. All Ive ever wanted is to be happy but everytime I thought I had it or was close it turned into a nightmare. I can honestly say now that Ive never been truly happy the best I get is okay.

Maybe I shouldnt even think anymore and just go. Fuck this I need to get my happiness I deserve it and I should go for it. Just then I flashed back to a night that I was freaking out about Sherelle. My sister and I have two movies just for us Les Mis and A Nightmare Before Christmas. That night she sang me a song from Les Mis and it rang through my heart again. "I see a new age dawning, red I feel my soul on fire, black your world if shes not there. Red the color of desire, black the color of despairrrr." Every once in awhile her singing will ring through my head. Right now I need to be the rock I am I cant keep acting like a pebble.

This is it I need to go get my happiness no matter what is gonna happen. I need to to let Sherelle in at the risk of her breaking my heart to finally get my happiness.