The Might-Have-Been Girl A novel by Bronwen Welsh Copyright 2016

Friday morning arrived and after breakfast I did a little shopping and then took the tube to the railway station to meet Mum and Aunt Peggy who arrived just after lunch time. I had asked them to take the earliest train they could so that I would have time to take them to the hotel before I went to the theatre for the evening performance. It was great to see them once more. Mum looking her old self, and Aunt Peggy as bright as ever. I gave them both a hug as I met them on the platform.

By now I was very comfortable moving around this area of London, and after buying them both tickets, we travelled by tube to Finsbury Park, from where we took a taxi to the hotel. After their suitcases were taken to their room, we had some tea in the dining room before I headed off to the theatre for the evening performance.

I could sense an air of sadness in the theatre with the season coming to an end. Not all of the cast had another role lined up. Elspeth however had some news and was rather excited. It seems someone had seen her playing Margaret while I was away, and as a result she had an audition for another play and also for a small part in a television soap. I wished her good luck with both of them. The performance went well and now there were only two to go.

On Saturday morning I telephoned Mum at the hotel. It wasn't practical for me to take them to the theatre since I had to be there early and they would have just been hanging around, so I told them to take a taxi to the theatre and ask at the box office for the tickets I had arranged for them. I had already been to see Nella and paid for them (cast members get a discount rate), so I had confirmed that they were ready to be picked up. I even threw in a couple of programs!

I arrived at the theatre at the usual time and went to the dressing room to get ready. Surprisingly I wasn't nervous at the thought of Mum and Aunt Peggy watching me perform, I was actually rather excited. Elspeth was there of course and reading a novel. I couldn't help thinking that this was going to be my role when I went to Stratford, and I wondered if there was any chance of me actually performing there. Never mind, it was still going to be a great experience.

I suspect the knowledge that Mum and Aunt Peggy were out there in the dark made me perform at my absolute peak. By now, as an 'old hand' I could judge my performance by the applause at the end of the scene. Of course it wasn't totally for me, but as the last person off stage I could reasonably assume that I was taking a good share of it.

At the conclusion of the performance when we all took our bows, the house lights were half up and knowing where they were I could easily make put Mum and Aunt Peggy clapping in the tenth row. I smiled straight at them and blew them a kiss.

After the final curtain came down, they both came around to the dressing room to congratulate me on the performance. Aunt Peggy, who had never seen me on stage before seemed particularly impressed.

“You were amazing Harriet,” she said. “I've seen some great actors perform, not just the locals in Australia, although some of them are very good, but from time to time we get some of the international stars come out. You're on a par with any of them.”

By now I'd learned to not let effusive praise go to my head, but nevertheless I thanked them both. One thing to remember on the stage is you are only as good as your last performance. Remember that quote from Shakespeare's 'Richard III' (let's face it he has a quote for every occasion!)

'They that stand high have many blasts to shake them;
And if they fall, they dash themselves to pieces.'

That was the last thing I wanted to happen to me.

After I changed, the three of us went out for some tea before I had to return to the theatre for the evening performance. I was going to see Reggie on the Sunday and then return to Bridchester for a fortnight before going to Stratford to begin rehearsals for 'Hamlet'. I hadn't heard back from Phoebe yet, but I could always stay at a hotel if she hadn't found a flat for us.

“I'm really glad I'll have time to see more of you before I head back to Australia,” said Aunt Peggy.

”When do you go?” I asked.

“Two weeks on Monday,” she said. “I'd like to stay longer but Ron's missing me and there's always things to be done on the farm. I hope all of you can come out and see me some day.”

“I hope so too,” I said.

The final performance of 'Dear Brutus' was over. As the cast took their final bows, I was not the only one with tears in my eyes. Sir Edgar had arranged for bouquets of flowers to be presented to the females in the cast while still on the stage. In case this sounds like discrimination, I should mention that the men all received the gift of a leather wallet, presented after the performance. I suspected he had picked up this idea from the traditional gifts presented at the Apollo Players' productions. There had not been an empty seat in the house and in another tradition, Sir Edgar and his family had occupied the Royal Box.

When the curtain came down for the final time and the house lights came up, there were many hugs among the cast, and we then headed to our dressing rooms. After we had changed we went to the rehearsal room at the rear of the stage where tables had been set up with finger food and drinks. Sir Edgar and Lady Blakely joined us and mingled with the cast extending their congratulations. Lady Blakely seemed to make a point of seeking me out.

“Well done my dear, you performed splendidly,” she said. “I understand you are off to Stratford now.”

“Yes, I'm to be the understudy for Ophelia in 'Hamlet',” I replied.

“Well, that's quite an achievement,” she said. “The ISC has the pick of Britain's actors, so it will look very good on your CV even if you don't get a performance,” she paused briefly, “although I hope you do.”

“My fingers are crossed Lady Blakely,” I said. “I do have Sir Edgar to thank for my chance to audition and getting the role in this play, and it's been a great start to my career.”

I nearly added 'I was very grateful', but remembering Sir Edgar's reputation, I judged it best to say no more. I'm quite sure Lady Blakely knew what went on, but I didn't want to appear to be hinting that I had been one of Sir Edgar's conquests, which indeed I hadn't. Just then the man in question appeared and putting his arm around his wife said to me “Congratulations Harriet, now I know you'll excuse us,” and then turning to his wife said “My dear, there's someone I'd like you to meet.”

Well, that put me in my place in the pecking order, and I'm a keen enough student of body language to see that while she didn't pull away, Lady Blakely did not respond as a loving wife should when Sir Edgar's arm went round her waist.

I made a point of seeking out Elspeth and wishing her luck with the two auditions she had obtained from standing in for me

“If there's any justice in the world you'll get at least one of those parts, if not both,” I said. She hugged me and we kissed each other on the cheek before saying goodbye.

I didn't stay too long at the after-show party. I had already learned that when some men have had a little too much to drink, they think they are irresistible to young women. I didn't want to risk any incident developing, being one of the youngest women there, so after I had spoken to everyone that I wanted to, I called a taxi which arrived after about ten minutes, and made my way back to the Burton's house.

Sunday might be the last time I saw Reggie for a few weeks since I was due to return to Bridchester with Mum and Aunt Peggy on the Monday. I had spoken to Reggie and he agreed that we should offer to show them around London, but bless them, they said they were quite capable of going around the shops by themselves.

At about nine o'clock, Reggie arrived to pick me up from the Burton's house. We exchanged a kiss when he arrived, and I couldn't help thinking how much I was going to miss him.

“So, one show down and another to go,” he said smiling.

“I'm lucky to have another show to go on to,” I replied. “Some of the cast will be 'resting' as we call it.”

Reggie looked serious. “Well it's something you have to accept if you've chosen acting as a career, but surely being selected by the RSC is going to help you down the line? Anyhow, what would you like to do today?”

Stupidly, tears sprang into my eyes “I just want to be with you Reggie,” I replied.

Reggie looked concerned. “Now what's the matter? You can tell me you know.”

“I know I'm being stupid,” I replied. “It's just that it's been great us both being in London and able to see each other every week, but now I'm off to Stratford and you will be going to York before long and I'm afraid that the distance will break us apart.”

A tear rolled down my cheek, and Reggie pulled out his handkerchief and tenderly wiped it away.

“It won't if we don't let it,” he replied. “You know how I feel about you Harriet, and I think I know how you feel about me. We can't let a little thing like a few miles upset what we have.”

I tried to smile. “You're right of course, I'm just being silly.”

“Perhaps you're just being a girl,” said Reggie. “That's what I love so much about you.”

So in the end, we spent the day in Reggie's flat in Southgate. His flatmate Richard was out. It was either coincidence or because he was remarkably tactful, but he always seemed to be out when Reggie and I were there.

“Where are you staying in Stratford?” Reggie asked.

“I don't know yet. Phoebe asked me to share a flat with her. I had to explain my background or she would have thought it odd if I refused. In fact she's fine about it, but she hasn't rung yet to say she's found somewhere. If all else fails I'll have to stop in a hotel for a few days until I've sorted out something.”

I know this sounds like something that only happens in stories, but it does happen in real life too. Half an hour after saying that, Phoebe rang my mobile phone sounding very excited.

“Hi Harriet, I've spent all day with Mum and Dad looking around Stratford for a suitable apartment for us and I've finally found the perfect place. It's a modern flat, fully furnished, ten minutes' walk from the theatre, two bedrooms both with double beds, a lounge, kitchen bathroom, toilet laundry and its only six hundred pounds per calendar month, so three hundred each. How does that sound?”

“That sounds great Phoebe,” I replied. “When can we move in?”

“Saturday week,” she replied.

“Perfect!” I exclaimed. “Just in time for the start of rehearsals. Why is it so cheap?”

“The owner said he preferred young women to rent it as they look after places better than young men. Apparently he's had some bad experiences with guys wrecking places he's rented out. There is a thousand pound damage deposit, but Daddy very kindly said he would put that up as he's sure we won't cause any damage.”

“I'll just get a pen and paper to write down the address,” I said, and when I put the phone down I quickly told Reggie the good news.

“I've got an idea,” he said. “I'm overdue to visit Mum and Dad in Brid. Why don't I rent a car that weekend and come up to see them? Then I can drive back to London via Stratford to drop you and your luggage off?”

“That's wonderful Reggie,” I replied. “But you must let me pay half the car rental.”

Fortunately he didn't argue this time, so when I picked up the phone to Phoebe again I told her how I would be arriving.

“That's great,” she said. “Paul, my boyfriend will be at the apartment on Sunday week helping me unpack, so we can all get to know each other.”

I was really cheered up by this news since it now appeared that Reggie could come up to Stratford for the weekend when he was free, and even stay over for one or two nights. I know that Reggie was really pleased to see how my mood had changed and that was certainly for the better as far as our relationship was concerned. Few things put a man off more than a sulky girl.

We finished the day at the flat as we so often did with some 'bedroom time' and I was positively glowing by the time we headed back to the Burton's house.

I had already started packing all my things and I finished up before going to bed, just leaving out the following day's clothes and my make-up. The next morning I was up early and showered and dressed. Even though I had only been there three months, the Burtons' house had come to feel like home, and now I was uprooting myself again. Still, this is the life of an actress so I decided I had better get used to it.

I managed a couple of minutes alone with Anthony before I left.

“I'm sorry to be leaving you right now, but I have no choice. Do you think your mum will take you out dressed?”

Anthony looked like he wanted to cry. “I'll miss you Harriet. Good luck with your career. Yes, I think Mum and Dad are getting used to the idea of me becoming their daughter, and Mum has promised to take me out occasionally to go shopping. I'll be going to see a doctor soon so that I can start on the medicine you're taking 'Aldo...'?“

“ 'Aldactone',” I corrected him gently. “I'm glad of that. You can always phone me you know. I'm going to get a computer soon so we can keep in touch that way too.”

We hugged and then parted. I felt I was getting a bit teary too.

I had booked a taxi for nine-thirty, to take me to the hotel where Mum and Aunt Peggy were staying, but before I left I had some small presents for the Burton family. I gave Louise a colourful silk scarf, a new wallet for Rob and a small bag of make-up for Antonette. I had obtained Louise's permission for the final gift. She didn't know about the others and was quite touched at my gesture. We hugged before I heard the taxi at the door and dragged my two suitcases down to the pavement. One thing I have noticed is that taxi drivers will help a young woman with her cases although they won't if it's a man.

Soon after, I arrived at the hotel and was greeted by Mum and Aunt Peggy who were in the sitting room waiting for me, together with their luggage. More hugs and then their luggage was loaded into the taxi and we headed off to the railway station. I had by far the most luggage, but then I had been living in London and like most girls I enjoyed shopping, so of course I was taking back to Bridchester a lot more than I had taken to London.

We were in plenty of time for the train and even had a coffee before boarding it. The trip back to Bridchester, including the change at York was uneventful, although I confess changing trains brought back unhappy memories of the last time I had done so when Mum was so sick.

Emma was home when we arrived and we were enthusiastically greeting with more hugs all round.

“Look at you Harriet, you look quite the young lady now, and a member of the Imperial Shakespeare Company no less!”

I blushed and hugged her. “It's lovely to see you again Emma and under much better circumstances. As for the ISC, I'm the most junior member of the company, although it's very exciting to be even that.”

“You must come down to see the Apollo guys while you are here,” she said. “They often ask about you and were as excited as I was when we heard the news.”

I was now as red as a beetroot. “I've been amazingly lucky,” I said. “And it all goes back to when we saw Dame Emily on the London tube.”

“Never knock luck,” said Emma. “You can have all the talent in the world, and you have got talent, but sometimes it all comes down to that lucky break.”

“You are very wise, dear sister,” I replied. “I will remember that.” Now it was her turn to blush, which of course was my intention!

The two weeks I spent at home with Mum, Emma and Aunt Peggy were very relaxing and just what I needed after about five months of non-stop work. I hadn't realised until I finished the season of 'Brutus', how much it had taken out of me, and then of course there was Mum's sickness which was so traumatic for the whole family.

Of course I missed Reggie, but we were in regular contact. Aunt Peggy had expressed a wish to meet him, so I suggested to Mum that maybe we could have a meal and get-together on the Saturday before she left for Australia, and invite Reggie and his parents along. She was happy to agree. Emma was performing in the evening or we could have made it dinner, but I wanted to have everyone together if possible, so lunch was agreed upon.

I did go down to the theatre with Emma one day and met up with all my friends from the Apollo Players. I was slightly bemused that they all seemed to be treating me with respect since my second stint in 'Brutus' and my appointment in Stratford. I couldn't help feeling this was quite unjustified since all of them had far more experience acting than I'd had. I think the fact that I was now on quite friendly terms with Dame Emily had something to do with it too. That's what they call 'reflected glory' isn't it?

One day when Emma was performing at a matinee and Mum was a bit tired and taking an afternoon nap, Aunt Peggy and I sat together and had quite a long conversation. We chatted about her life in Australia and various other matters before the elephant in the room was acknowledged as I knew it would be.

“Do you mind me asking when you first thought you should have been born a girl?” she said.

“Well, I think the correct answer to that is that I was born a girl in a boy's body,” I replied. “I couldn't see it for a long time but I'm sure other people could. After all, there were those times that I took the girl's part in the school plays and as I've now been told by Emma, I did it so well, people thought I really was a girl. My boyfriend Reggie knew before I started presenting as a girl. (I didn't tell her about the near-kissing incident). He's straight and wouldn't have been interested in me if I wasn't a girl.”

“I'd like to meet Reggie,” said Aunt Peggy.

“Didn't Mum tell you that he and his parents have been invited to lunch on the Saturday before you leave, so you'll have your opportunity then?”

“She must have forgotten, but that will be great,” said Aunt Peggy. She went on, “So what happens to you now?”

“Well I have to convince my doctor that I'm serious about this and want to start on hormones as soon as possible. In fact I'm seeing her next week and that's my goal. I know it's a long drawn-out process, but eventually I want to have surgery, so that I can have a body as much like a woman's as possible.”

I'm sure Aunt Peggy flushed slightly at my forthrightness. I suppose I had been thinking about it so long that it just seemed like a natural progression to me.

“Well I can only admire your determination my dear,” she said. I think that like so many cis-gender people, she didn't see that it wasn't a lifestyle choice but a lifestyle need. If anyone had tried to force me to go back to being Harry, I might have even considered killing myself, but fortunately I was surrounded by supportive people who would help and support me every step of the way.

To be continued

I would like to acknowledge the assistance of Louise Anne in proofreading the text and giving me a great deal of useful advice about modern-day Britain to incorporate in the story.