I can really feel that I’m beginning to close up emotionally and I don’t want to. I guess ingrained habit is hard to alter…

Skid pops back inside the curtain, her face wiped clean. “Theo is here and there are some other people with him but there’s only supposed to be one of us in here at a time. Is that your dad?”

I hadn’t stopped to think but I guess they would have to have come too… “Short guy, grey hair and eyes, limps?”

“And this other girl that looks a little like you and another guy, yeah. Oh and Dahl is here.”

“That would be my dad, my sister and her husband. Tell Theo I’m kinda tied up right now.”

Mel groans at me. “I’ll be fine, you go do what I told you…”

I know she is right but it doesn’t make it any easier to do. Every instinct I have is screaming at me that I need to be there, to help. To admit that I need help too seems like failing somehow. And yet… Mel is right, I do have to learn to let others help and this is where I have to start.

“Paulette?” Skid looks up at me, her eyes wide. No one ever uses her given name, she has insisted on Skid since she and her brother joined us calling themselves Skid Mark. I can understand the aversion to an old name and the freight it carries so I have let that particular sleeping dog lie where it was.

“Stay with Mel until Dahl comes in, ok?”

She nods a slow yes at me and slides into the seat as I rise, taking Mel’s hand from me.

Out in the hallway my family(What a strange thing to say…) is waiting and Theo gathers me into a hug. That just breaks the emotional logjam and he continues to hold me while I sob into his chest.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” I hiccupped at him after an eternal moment. “I… I really needed that. Thank you…”

“Always…” rumbles through his chest. Feeling his voice against my face just… takes the jagged edges off my nerves and lets me get myself back together.

I wipe the remnants of tears from my eyes and look over to Dahl. She is visibly distressed and I disengage and hug her before sending her in. She has basically adopted Mel as a surrogate mom and she isn’t the only one, just the closest. Those two need each other right now and that is more important than my own need to be the one who helps.

“Theo tells me you are the one who built all of that. How –“

I interrupt dad as I’m just not willing to let that ride. “I didn’t build anything! All the people there… they built it all. All I did was try to help people and then they helped themselves. OK?”

Theo coughs “Bullshit” under his voice and Skid snerks at me.

“If you want to see who is responsible for a lot of what we have you need to look over at the tallest guy here! He is the one who built a good part of it. The hot water, the power… That is stuff he built. Not me. I keep telling people I didn’t build anything! Well ok, I did take care of our datafeeds but that was no big deal and oth – Holy shit!”

I break off as a large pale hand descends in front of my face. “Goddammit Lurch! Give me a heart attack already!”

A deep chuckle emanated from behind and way above me. “I love that… no matter how many times I do it you always freak!”

I had to turn and give him a tight hug. “So why are you here instead of the Land of the Beautiful Giants?”

That is what I call the cardiac care wards. I swear most of the women are Theo’s height and the men are taller and they are almost uniformly very attractive. It isn’t often that I feel petite when stood next to other women but the 7th floor is an exception! Rob is in a class by himself at 7’ 4” and nearly 300 pounds of what appears to be mostly muscle and bone. On his frame that is just enough to make him look gaunt.

“Well Cardiology is having a little ebb moment so I thought I’d come by and see how my favorite mother to be is doing!”

He tries to sound lighthearted but I know him well enough to see through that and I haven’t been blind to the little dance he and Mel have been doing since before she even knew she was pregnant.

“She’s doing ok so far. Dahl is in there with her now. You want a minute?” I can’t help smiling a little as I see the expression of worried longing on his face.

Wow, you wouldn’t think such a large guy could pull off a pleading little boy look but there it is, larger than life…

Slipping inside I whisper in Dahl’s ear and I can see the smile on her face. As much as there has been the dance of man and woman going on between Mel and Rob, there has been an equal sort of Father/Daughter thing going on between Dahl and him. She squeezed Mel’s hand and surrendered it to the oversized hands of the man who hoped to win her love and didn’t realize he already had.

We retreated behind the curtain but couldn’t resist peeking. The look on Mel’s face when she felt his hand was one of… I don’t know how to describe it actually… Peace, happiness, and yes, love…

When she did open her eyes and look into his pale blue regard she smiled and leaned up with her arms open to receive and give a hug of pure joy.

“Robert… thank you for coming… I – “ she had to break off for a moment and wipe her eyes “I really needed you…”

Her eyes widened as he knelt and produced a box from his pocket.

“Melinda Dufresne… I want… Have wanted… you to love, to care for, to grow old with. You turned me down twice already and I really really hope the third time is the charm. You are the other half of my soul that I didn’t even know was missing until I met you. Will you complete my life? Will you consent to allow me to be a father to the child I felt kick 5 months ago? Will you marry me?”

The look on her face was indescribable. Longing mixed with fear and twisted with memories of horror gave way to a determined smile as she reached out to grasp his hand with the box in it. She swallowed hard, choking down a half-sob.

“Yes, Robert, I will marry you, if you will have me and Dahl. She is the daughter of my spirit and it’s a package deal.”

He reached out with one of those impossibly long arms and grasped Dahl, dragging her from behind the curtain with a gasp of astonishment and pivoting on his knee to face her.

“Dhalgren Svensdatter, will you allow Melinda and I to adopt you? Will you allow me to be a father to replace the asshole that beat you?”

She looks at me with clear distress. “I… I owe Win – Angel and – “

He interrupts. “I won’t get in the way of that but maybe I can help?”

She glances at me and I realize she is looking to me for assent.

“Go hun, you deserve happiness and to grow up normal and so does your little sibling. You both deserve more, better…”

She turned and addressed Rob. “If I ever see you hurt her you won’t live out the day!”

I have to admire the lanky young woman spitting fire and defiance. Such a far cry from the wounded soul so long ago…

“Never, upon my eternal soul!” He crosses himself, which is a bit funny coming from a buddhist.

“Then yes… I think I will be very proud to be your daughter. You are one of the best men I have ever known and you and a few others have restored my faith in the half of the human race that tried to claim me.” She turned her attention to Mel

“And yes, I will proudly be your daughter. You have been a mother to me, more than my own ever was. You taught me how to live instead of simply existing. I have thought about it a lot. I have seen you fall in love with a man who makes you happy. I actually respect him and think he is a noble example of what humanity can be, the same as you are.”

She draws a deep breath before continuing. “Both of you, I will be proud to call myself your daughter. You first showed me kindness when I was at death’s door. I literally owe you my life and twice over… Dad… Mom…”

The three of them share a hug that becomes all too tight as Mel is buried in the throes of another contraction.

Sometimes eidetic recall is… not so pleasant. When you combine it with a nice dose of PTSD it can become an immersive hell. Right then I felt like I was locked into place as the past 2 years fell away and…

Theo’s bulk slammed into the door again and the frame gave way with a splintering rip. He charged into the dingy hotel room and literally threw a greasy little man across the room to land with a thump and a gasp as the wind was knocked out of him. He didn’t have time to really notice as a hammer-like palm strike slammed his head back against the wall with carefully controlled rage, knocking him senseless.

I noticed that with a fragment of my attention, the rest was riveted on the figure lying on the bed. The syringe hanging from her arm was empty…. Oh fuck we’re too late…

I flung myself across the room, scrambling onto the filthy bed to cradle in my arms a girl who feels like she is all skin and bone, her eyes pits of despair set in dark hollows. I can see the junk begin to hit as a look of gratitude comes over her bruised face.

“T!!!!!! Call an ambulance! She OD’d! Tell em to hurry!!!!!” I’m shout-crying by now. Oh gods please hurry…

I removed the syringe from her arm, pressing on the wound with a scrap of stained sheet to keep her from bleeding…. Any more anyway…

She has slid bonelessly down to rest her head in my lap. I can just barely hear her murmer.

“Thank you… I’m free…” she is fading fast and I can see her begin to slip away but she rallies for a moment. “Sing me to the angels mommy…”

I have everything I can do not to cry. This child is going to die in my arms because I took a minute too long… 60 seconds… maybe less. Long enough to determine her fate. Something to sing about angels… oh gods not that one but yes, it has to be…

It takes a moment for my voice to steady as I begin the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SiylvmFI_8

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SiylvmFI_8

While I was singing to the girl her eyes have closed and I can feel the rhythm of her heart slow and… then I can’t feel a pulse at all. I can barely breathe I’m crying so hard and I can’t resist as large hands gently pry her from my grasp.

“Too late… She’s gone… I was too late… I should have been faster…” I’m mumbling into the chest of a man I barely know, a man I just met a month ago when he was trying to drink himself to death. He is crying too, I can feel the jerkiness in his breath and the top of my head is becoming damp from his tears.

Music and lyrics by Sara McLachlan