by Edeyn Hannah Blackeney
She waved goodbye to her friends as they dropped her off, the skirt of her school uniform rippling slightly in the light windy day in Spring.
She paused a moment, just looking around like she always did. With a deep sigh, she began moving forward through the gate and headed toward row 11.
Grass needs mowing.
She arrived at her destination and settled down to the ground, then leaned forward as she knelt, plucking the weeds from around the large marble headstone.
After just sitting there for awhile, staring at the words on the stone, she brushed her short auburn hair out of her eyes and opened her mouth to speak. Nothing came out.
I guess I don't have to say it out loud, anyway. I just. I mean I really don't know what to say, even today. It's been a year, and I'm still kind of in shock. I didn't know...
That's not an excuse at all, is it? I wish I could take it all back, I wish I hadn't been so stupid, I wish I could have seen how wonderful you were...
She sighed another deep sigh.
I'm sorry.
The wind fluttered her hair and she pushed it back again, as she sniffled and tears slowly began to squeeze out of her eyes.
I read your diary... after. I don't think I've told you that before. I was helping Mom go through your things, and saw it sticking out from under your mattress. I hid it from her. I don't know why, but I wanted it to be just between you and me. I mean... I really never know how to say anything to you, now, despite spending every Saturday afternoon here. It was like a window into your head, helping me to understand just how horrible I had been. I know it doesn't do any good now... but...
A quiet sob escaped from her lips.
I'm so sorry.
Her shoulders shook silently with the quiet sobs for a few minutes before she looked up at the monument-in-miniature in front of her.
I saved up and got one more fitting for you. Mom and Daddy haven't seen it yet, but I think they'll like it. I know they'll understand. You didn't need to be afraid of them. You shouldn't have believed me. Would you like me to read it to you?
She paused, straining as though listening for an answer.
Alright. I hope you like it. It says,
b. 6/21/1993, d. 6/21/2007
A better sister than anyone deserves
Her voice quavered slightly as she read the words aloud.
I'm so so sorry.
A bob-white began cheerfully calling out from outside the fence of the graveyard.
I went too far. I shouldn't have been so... so... me. You reached out to me, and I pretended to be a good person so that I could hurt you. I mean, in your diary, you were always so forgiving. Always looking for something good in all the evil crap I did to you.
"How could I have been so uncaring and idiotic?"
This last was said aloud, in a wail of frustration.
And now... and now... and now I've missed my chance, and robbed you of everything. You were so happy that I was 'accepting' you as Madison. The locket -- you know, I kept that locket and the picture I have in it is the one I took with you in pigtails and smiling -- the damn locket that I used to trick you.
I wish you'd never have believed me.
I wish you'd have hit me or kicked me or cursed at me or ANYTHING other than running home after I ruined your life at that party.
I wish I hadn't been such an evil bitch.
I wish I had taken the time to read and understand why you needed to be a girl so bad. The internet, the library, something...
I can't imagine what you felt like, but I know I'm completely responsible.
She looked down at the newspaper clipping she had clutched in her hand. The one she clutched every Saturday afternoon for nearly a year.
| Newbrook Teen Commits Suicide | ||
| 14-year old Brian Petersmeyer was found in his room in Newbrook last month. A note left behind explained that it was too painful for him to carry on. His parents say that he showed no signs and even seemed happier of late than he had been in a long while. He also leaves behind an older sister, who declined any comment but was obviously distraught. By all accounts, young Brian was a likable, intelligent, and even popular young man who was looking forward to starting High School this fall. His teachers gave glowing reports about his behavior, his work, and could think of no hints he had given any of them. Likewise, classmates all reported that though no one could think of anyone that disliked Brian, he was, "rather quiet," and seemed shy. The only hint that anything could have been wrong was the fact that he had yet to begin a strong pubertal surge. His voice hadn't broken, nor had he grown or "filled out" as the other young men his age have started to already do. Perhaps this was just a tragic case of impatience. |
His parents reported that he attended a, "High School Party," with his older sister the night before -- which was his birthday -- and perhaps the despair over his late development pushed at buttons that no one else had even realized were there. He was found nude except a towel about his waist on the floor of his room and wet (presumably just out of the shower), with three empty bottles of undisclosed medication content lying near him. Also on his bed was the note his parents found and another paper burnt to ash, which was guessed to be a "first draft" of the note. Any loss of a child is tragic, but the suddenness of this particular incident seems to be doubly so. We at the Courier express our condolences to the family. |
|
I didn't understand, and I wasn't interested in understanding. I only saw the opportunity to hurt someone. Someone that didn't deserve it.
She looked up at the puffy Springtime clouds making their way through the bright blue sky and stared for a moment.
I didn't mean anything I said in that note. I was just trying to think of things to hurt you. You were beautiful in that dress, Madison. No one had a clue until I told them right before you ran out.
Ugh.
I'm such a horrible person. To ruin everything for you. And those pills.
Why did I leave those pills?
I didn't realize how badly I was hurting you, not that I cared at the time.
She sniffled and rubbed her nose with her sleeve.
Those words I wrote... they will be in my brain forever, but I... it's all my fault!
I wish there were a way to get you to forgive me. I know I don't deserve it, but... I want it more than anything in the world.
"The world would be better off without you and sick freaks like you, look under your pillow."
She threw her head back and very nearly howled with the wails that were coming from her chest.
How could I have said such a thing? How could I have done such a thing?
The gravel-crunching sound of tires and a light beep of the horn signaled that her parents had arrived to take her home. She could hear them get out and close the doors before walking across to her. They were discussing the headstone.
"It's beautiful!" said her mother as they approached from the backside.
"There she is," said her father, "Wow. It's so big."
Then to her, her mother asked, "Wait. You spent all of your car savings from the past 3 years on this, didn't you?"
She nodded. They circled around the headstone and her mother took the girl into her arms as silent sobs once again wracked her young body.
"Oh, honey..."
"No, Mom," she interrupted, "I had to do it."
"How could they get the wrong stone, though! Who is Madison?" asked her father.
She pulled back from her mother and wiped her tears away.
This is it. It's time for me to come clean to them... Happy Birthday, little sister...
"Mom, Daddy, there's some things you should know about Brian..."
Comments
When I read this...
... I was thinking, so much of what's on this site really needs to be part of the mainstream. That it ought to be read.
Thank you...
I really have no idea where this came from. Started it about an hour before posting it.
The Bitter Truth
WOW!! This story should never come true. But i know that all too often it does in too many ways too count. Thanks for the story.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Too Far, Too Late
Leaving her the pills? How do you pay for a thing like that?
The headstone's a nice gesture, and consistent with what a fictional character
might do, the symbolic importance of getting her name right, so I'm not criticising your very moving tale ........ But if she had told me her plan for the memorial I might have suggested that she donate her car-savings to some charity/service for transgender teens, try to help the NEXT Madison out there. And I think that in working toward redemption and self forgiveness, she might want to to tell people (a LOT of people,
we're talking school-to-school public speaking or an Oprah appearance if possible) her story.
It seems like there's a point in childhood/early teens when certain kids can be downright
psychopathic in their cruelty. It's ironic that this occurs at about the same time that
certain other kids have so little perspective on the larger picture that suicide seems
like the only way out. When the two collide it's so goddamn tragic- like that girl
in the news recently who was goaded into suicide by a vicious internet "prank",
(messages like "the world would be so much better without you in it").
An incident that---though without a TG element---reminds
me a lot of this story. Sigh...
~~~hugs, Laika
"Government will only recognize 2 genders, male + female,
as assigned at birth-" (In his own words:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1lugbpMKDU
The greater point Laika
Is that cruelty is cruelty regardless of who the victim is..TG, teen girl, teen boy, adult, gay, straight...the most sickening part to the real life story is that a mother was just arrested for HELPING with that prank...
Hugs
Alexis
Not helping, instigating
The mother was the "brains" behind it. She wanted to find out what the girl was saying about her daughter who was a former friend. Then she decided she wanted to "mess" with the girl, and hurt her. That's the sick part. A grown woman setting out to hurt a young girl.
MySpace Mother
What is really bad is that the MySpace thing happened in the county where I live, and I know someone who is friends with the dead girl's family.
There were times I just wanted to drive over and give her a piece of my mind (or worse). Thank God the Federal Gov't was able to step in where the local and state governments could/would not.
Stephanie
Beautiful
That's the only word I can come up with, Edeyn. This was plain and simply beautiful.
Scott
-- Moliere
Bree
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy
http://genomorph.tglibrary.com/ (Currently broken)
http://bree-ramsey314.livejournal.com/
Twitter: @genomorph
Madison
Edeyn this was a well written story that positively ached with pain. It is so easy to be cruel when you're young. Teenagers don't think sometimes about the pain that a hurtful remark can cause. What a story you have given us to think about.
hugs!
grover
This Was So Sad
There are so many stories out there like this. So many families are not as supportive and this is the very sad result. I hope that somehow, these family members might see this story and realize that this could easily be someone they love. It is time that unconditional love wins out over hatred and bigotry. Thanks Edelyn!
Hugs,
Jenn
So very moving...
Having grown up with a number of older and younger siblings, I never could understand the almost insane cruelty that could appear seemingly our of nowhere, to be followed not too long after by another act of almost saintly support. Sometimes the order was reversed. Your story is deeply moving and very real to me, in that I work with that age group every day and am still amazed at how they struggle with identifying the line between appropriate and inappropriate in all aspects of daily existence. It's not unusual for them to learn their lesson, to reach a new level of understanding, only after having gone too far.
The older sister has learned a terrible lesson, and will probably spend the rest of her life regretting her ignorance and stupidity; I'd be interested to see how this character develops, if she goes on to support others like her sister, or tries to spread the word, understanding of transgenderism, etc.
Has anyone done a story about the perpertrators of an anti-GLBTQ hate crime realizing their guilt, a la American History X with racism? If not, this story might be a good starting point.
YW
He conquers who endures. ~ Persius
Brutal
But excellent! I guess my only question is did the sister hate the brother or what? Up to the party it seems general humiliation...pills and a note seems pure hatred...it's hard for me to see what motivates her regret, it seems like she got what she wanted...or thought she wanted..
Honestly though it's not hard to see where this came from considering what happened to Raychel and then yourself this past week.
HUGS!
Alexis
She may do more than regret
She is at high risk for suicide herself AND the parents could use her confession against her, kick her out and disinherit her or turn her into the police. She drove her brother/sister to commit suicide, she all but handed him a loaded gun with that note and the pils. She might be guilty of a felony. At a minimum it is conduct reguardless of life. Still despite the risks her best course is to tell everyone the truth, take the consequences and try to live a model life after, though if she tells the truth she will lose nearly every friend she ever had.
The headstone I imagine is as much for her solace -- proof to herself of her pennance -- as much it is to commemorate her sister.
A strong, sad piece.
John in Wauawatosa
John in Wauwatosa
So moving
We all need to atone for our cruelty in our own way. We must always be on our guard; we can build up or destroy with just a word.
I cried buckets when I read this. Sadly it is still all too common an occurence. The father's question showed love mingled with ignorance. This is so often the case; we so very rarely fully know those closest to us.
Susie
So sad
What a wonderfully written story. The similarities between the Myspace story and this one were heartbreaking. This must have been very difficult for you to write. Thank you, Arecee
Tears still running
This is one of the best and saddest storys I have ever read. I can feel the hurt in her, how she wishes she could fix this, she feels that she is the reason She did that to her self. Trouble is she was the last straw for Madison, some say men are cruel but woman and young girls can be worse sometimes, this shows that in the worse way. Keep up the good work and thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this.
Hugs and Kisses
Melissa Ann
Hugs and Kisses
Melissa Ann
Heartbreaking and touching
I cried at the loss of Brian/Madison. Madison could have gone on to live a wonderful life as a girl. Her big sister should have been there for her instead of hurting her to the point of suicide.
This story aches in the heart, because it has real life written in it. How many of us have actually tried suicide, and how many have actually succeeded? The images in this story will be with me forever, and I hope that others like us, will find the strength to go on and be who they are, instead of ending their life.
Be strong, because it is in our strength that we can heal.
Love & Hugs,
Barbara
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."
very moving
This is a extremely moving story. I loved it alot. IT tells a tale and it makes us really think. CHildren can be the cruelest of all and they dont totally understand the impact of their cruelty until its too late. That is the sad thing.
Yet another sad and all-too-real depiction of life in families
....You bring such emotion to the page with an economy of words, dear heart, and even the sad and tragic bless me since they reveal more than just a story; they give us a glimpse into who you are as well. As always, very personal and compelling. Thank you!
She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea
Love, Andrea Lena
Bailey Summers I hated what
Bailey Summers
I hated what had happened, loved what you wrote, approve of it's message.
Now I'm going to look at everything you've got on here.
This alone should be posted elsewhere, published even.
I'm in awe of it's power.
Bailey Summers