Phase Transitions

By NiGHTs
(Based on a Story and Title suggestion made by Tyrone Slothrop)

Prologue

Baltimore Gay and Lesbian Center, July 2004

I saw her walk in just before group started. Maybe in her mid-twenties; scared and tentative, ready to bolt for the door at the first hint of characters from the movie, The Birdcage. I smiled to myself in approval. Whoever she was, she had potential. Not too tall, good hair and frame. A better form than I could ever hope to have. She even carried herself well for all the obvious tension she was under. Assuming she was serious, she could be great, whether she was a transsexual or cross-dresser. Nature had "blessed" her with androgynous looks and despite her lack of training and nervousness; in another setting the only looks she might draw would be to wonder briefly what gender she actually was. Here no questions were allowed unless permission was given.

Tight, form fitting levis contrasted a hugely over-sized tee shirt sporting characters from the anime Haibane-Renmei, tucked into the waist band. Between the two, the new girl had managed to effectively show off very trim legs, while covering whatever might be lacking in the bust area. The high, tailored waist band of the jeans even managed to lend the impression of hips. I silently applauded her taste in anime and hoped that she was used to sitting in something that tight while tucked. Terry was speaking tonight and those sometimes ran long. Even in the Sketchers she was wearing, standing through the whole meeting could get tiring and I hoped she'd stick for the after-meeting social. The group's anime fans were few in number, I being the only one, and if she became a regular member of the group, I might have company for the next convention.

All that flitted through my mind as I finished topping off my coffee, and made my way to the circle of chairs when Becca's hand fell on my shoulder from behind and I realized what else a new girl would mean.

"Okay Sarah, you passed on being a big sister the last two times." She said with what sounded like a knowing smile. Her left hand joined the right to ease the stiffness that had overtaken me. "You said yourself that you can't hide in crowds forever and that your Counselor wanted to hear that you were over this hump before conferring with your Endo on your status, right?" There wasn't much more she could do without making a scene and even I knew I was overreacting. I closed my eyes and found the image my counselor and I had worked out. I was five again and sitting under an old tree at the top of a hill overlooking Aunt Vera's strawberry patch. The spring day warm, but also cool with a slight breeze here under the shade of the old oak. The world smelled of dewy grass and the promise of new life. I sighed feeling some of the tension release and opened my eyes.

"Alright Becca, get Sally to start things up and I'll do my duty." I willed myself to the doorway where the new girl was hovering, still uncertain. Becca walked with me a few paces. "Did I look that nervous the first time?" I asked. Before she dropped back to let me get on with it, she a chuckle escaped her lips.

"You were worse. Alternating between bubbly happiness and complete lock-up. Mary thought you should have chosen Sybil as your name." The memory of Mary made me smile. Her grandmotherly presence was one I'd sorely missed since returning to the support group's sessions I sent a silent prayer that she'd found peace in the hereafter.

Suppressing an urge to check my face, knowing that barring massive instant cosmetic surgery it wouldn't help and if seen would only feed into the new girl's fears, I fitted a #3 smile ('Warm and reassuring'. Just the thing to let customers know you're genuinely happy they elbowed you aside, instead of asking for one of the cartons of OJ you were loading on the shelf) and approached the new girl.

"H'lo, I'm Sarah Reese. I couldn't help noticing your Tee, hon. I love Haibane-Renmei. Did you get that at the last Otakon?" The new girl nodded nervously as if she expected me to try slipping a collar around her neck and forcing her to her knees, instead of offering my hand.

Her grip was light as a doe's footstep. "R..Renee…Hollister." Good voice I noted, even if untrained. "Haibane is one of my favorite shows."

"I love the way it talks of finding healing and renewal in self-forgiveness." I raised my steaming cup to spread the welcoming smell of the Gevalia French Roast I'd brought. "Well Renee, they're about to start the session. Would you like some coffee or something to drink?"

I could tell she was tempted, but could almost hear the thought process going through her head. "If I drink I'll have to pass it and then I have to choose."
I resisted the temptation to take her by the arm. "No hoo-hoo. Renee. Let’s fix you a cup to have something to hold onto at least. Then I won't have to go for seconds." I said, steering her to the coffee pot at the opposite end of the room. The other girls were already taking their seats and being polite about not mobbing Renee. Our group had traditions about easing the newbies and everyone knew there was no tolerance for violating them. As I poured for Renee and offered cream and sugar (she impressed me by only sweetening the brew a bit), I asked the next question that was 'required by law' as it were.

"Um, Renee you know this is a support group and there's usually a brief catch-up thing. Everyone in the circle letting the others know what’s doing in their world and such. You give the word and we'll make sure you're skipped and left to yourself if you like. Or I can simply introduce you and that will let everyone know to let you come to them as you will or not."

Renee actually smiled with relief and sipped at her coffee. "Thanks, I…" Her brown eyes widened in astonishment and she looked down at her cup. When her taste buds were ready to talk to her again, she looked at me with flushed pleasure. I smiled back in acknowledgement of the unspoken compliment. She sipped again slowly to better get to know the brew and answered with her first genuine smile. "Thank you Sarah," she resumed, raising the cup in salute. "But I'm here on the advice of my doctor to learn to relax and join into some group activities." I nodded and showed her a chair. Another nod to Becca let her know that running the circle normally was fine.

Renee wasn't quite as sure of herself later when the circle came round to her, but no one ever is the first time.

The meeting went well enough and Terry's presentation on delivering proper feminine inflections, comparing his male self's speech patterns with his wife's assistance while informative, was made interesting more for the comedy of Sally correcting Marcia's diction. Terry has been cross-dressing for fun, relaxation and profit since at least his college days. Marcia and he met working for the same company as Singing Delivery girls and exotic dancers at parties and such. Nowadays they run a similar business and Terry still allows himself to be booked occasionally under the watchful eye of his wife. In their mid-fifties now, the Terry at 6'2" still cuts a stunning figure of a woman. Tall and busty, with an impossibly well maintained mass of auburn hair, his only concession to age being the mild chubbiness which is easily offset by his obvious enjoyment of life and love for Marcia who seems to find infinite amusement in her husband's antics and playing with his look… When the diminutive Latino isn't showing that no matter how good her husband is at dressing like a woman, she is one. Their mocking 'battles' over fashion, makeup and whatever else happens to cross their path are delivered with great passion and it's always a joy to watch them dance verbally.

Renee sat across from me at the group of tables the group assembled in The Soiled Dove after breaking up the official part of the meeting. It was Karaoke Night and everyone was having fun egging each other to take a turn on the stage. It was nearly 11 and the bar had that quietly cheerful glow tinged with the sounds of friendly conversation and good fellowship, and sweet tobacco smoke that you imagine all bars should have only to be dark caves with muted spirits. There were others places the group took after meeting activities to, but the Dove was always my favorite.
One of the other nice things about The Soiled Dove is that no one cares if you're Gay, Straight, TG or a three-headed alien with a yin for Chippendales…furniture. If you you've brought cash, can pass Sully's eye for presentability and are reasonably polite, you're welcome to sit and have a few. Now what exactly Sully uses as criteria has been debated for years. I've seen people that I would have sworn were begging change when I drove into the city chatting with local and national celebrities. At the same time no one could ever dispute Sully's judgment and no one ever seemed to pass through the doors that did not add to the place somehow.

Terry was first up and gave a surprisingly good rendition of Joplin's "Me and Bobby McGee". Even managing to capture the desperation of the cries at the end. Having proven he still had 'it', he dragged Becca, who was latched onto Anne to the stage and the two of them completely blew trading off verses of "Space Oddity". By the end though they'd loosened up and were clearly hamming their way to the end. I raised a cheer for an encore that earned me a mock-evil look from Anne and a nod from Becca.

The "Uh-oh" I heard from Renee echoed my own sentiments as Becca gravely approached me and Anne took the mike and announced that we had a local celeb in the audience.

I groaned internally as Anne told one and all assembled of my past on the stage and in All State Choir. She naturally admitted that was all from a high school career over twenty years in the past and that I had been known as Scott back then.

I scanned the gathered tables for help, and saw nothing but innocent 'who me?' smiles, except for Renee who was apparently fascinated by the condensation on her glass.

Shrugging, I allowed Becca to haul me across the hardwood floor to the small stage. Looking over the screen, I played with the menu and hunted around in the tunes by the Eagles. My pearled nail almost stopped on "James Dean", but I'd be disappointed if I couldn't get the whole bar hopping like a bad musical, so selected 'Wasted Time", something that I both knew well and could tear someone's guts out with.

As the opening piano chords rang through some of the best speakers to ever come out of the Polk Audio warehouse, I closed my eyes and drifted to the music. Letting it guide my performance, I removed the wireless mike from the stand tenderly, as I began easing the woes of my lover in the song. I was swaying with each step to the slow, lazy pace of the song. Commiserating with the audience over the loss of yet another romance and allowing my voice to take me to where I needed to go, I circled the group's table. I paused at Anne and sang to her as if I was addressing her worries over the passing of time and how sometimes a "little something" could "make them go away". She squirmed in hushed silence as I moved on to Renee and motioned her to join me before someone decided she should get up here by herself and as the backup singers 'Ooh'd and Ah'd' Renee joined in and surprised me with having a fair alto and the ear to match harmony to my melody.

When the back up singers left the mix, I thanked Renee with a smile and made my way back onto the small stage, allowing the audience to get on with their search while I got on with mine and just finished my slow spin to face them again in time to moan out the last few syllables.

Lowering my head I let my eyes refocus for a moment and savored the feeling of being 'on' for just a moment and placed the mike back in the stand. It occurred to me that the Dove had gone quiet, and it came to me that perhaps I'd gone a little too far over the top. Now that the high of losing myself in the music was over, I nervously raised my chin and brushed and brushed my bangs out of my eyes.

Every eye in the place seemed to be on me. No one seated at the bar was facing it. Instead, all of them were watching the 39 year old pre-op in tan cargo pants and a light green cotton blouse stand there after acting half her age and as if dressed to kill.

"Hey, thank you folks, on behalf of the band and m'self and I hope we passed the audition." I called into the room with an effort at confidence that I no longer felt and was about to rush back to the group's table when Sully, behind the bar began clapping.

The whole room broke out in quiet applause at that point and I was greeted by the welcoming smiles of the whole group. I was gonna tap the next victim when Sully's gravelly basso roared. "Well Gents and Ladies? Anyone want to try to top that?" Sully pulled out an incredibly large cigar and made a show of nipping the end and lighting up while waiting for a response.

When no one stepped up and more than one person across the room let out a variation of 'Follow her?' Sully pulled deeply on the cigar and nodded at me. "You're drinking on the house tonight Sarah…Unless someone can mount a successful challenge."

I felt myself blushing at the attention and the honor, and furtively tried to bury myself in the crowd as Terry called out that Sully wouldn't lose any money on me as I rarely had more than three drinks on any visit to the Dove. Marcia must have elbowed him as his argument cut off abruptly.

I managed to find my seat and settled in to find my now cold Irish Coffee had been swept away and replaced with a fresh, piping hot cup. Sully or Tom, his assistant had even remembered the way I like it. Without crá¨me d mint and with a sugar-rimmed mug. I let the aroma seep into my nostrils and took a tentative sip.

"Well Renee?" I smiled. "After the way you matched the back up singers, I'm sure you could knock me off the top slot."

Darn it she actually blushed. "No way, I've a good voice, but that that wasn't what blew us all away, Sarah." Renee answered; waving off my compliment and then darn if she didn't blush again. "I mean… It's not that you didn't sing well."

"I didn't take it that way, Renee. Although I have to admit the silence was a little daunting at first."

"You surprised everyone." Becca laughed, leaning into me. "Most of the girls have forgotten that you weren't always as quiet as you tend to be now. Even I got caught by surprise, and I was your 'big sister'"

Renee was making motions to her upper lip. I took the hint, and resisted the temptation to lick off my whipped cream mustache. As Renee spoke I reluctantly used a napkin. "I don't know about that Sarah, but you just shined from the moment the music started. You were a torch singer from head to toe and acted…No; 'acted' isn't the right word. When you came down and walked through the bar, you just were. Even if I though I could compete vocally with the performance that you and…Terry?" I nodded and Renee continued, "Terry and of course, you and Anne, Becca."

Anne laughed out loud at the last inclusion. "Are you kidding? Becca and I don't even sing in the shower for fear of curdling the water!" She said hugging Becca and sloshing some beer on the table; a slightly slurred 'Oopsie' being Anne's main comment as she stared disconsolately at the puddle on the table. Renee and I took no notice as Becca kept one arm about Anne while wiping up the mess.

"Well girls, it's been fun, but I think I need get my Annie home." Becca said, rising slowly, while supporting Anne.

"Aww, bu' Becky the party's Jus' started."

"Not for you it hasn't, lover mine." She said. "A quick pit stop and then it's to bed for you." Marcia offered a ride, but Becca said she'd be ok. Tom had already appeared with the next round and offered to have a cab waiting by the time Becca was ready to leave. As the pair with Marcia in tow made their way to the women's room, I turned my attention to the table where Tom placed yet another Irish Coffee in front of me.

"Compliments of the gentleman" Tom commented when he saw I was about to protest that I hadn't ordered another. I blushed and Renee giggled and the other girls "ooo'd" appropriately. As Tom cleared the half drunken remains of my last drink, I was tempted to send the new one back. Two and a half ICs was a lot for me. I figured I might have to grab a taxi too if I wasn't careful, but it seemed impolite to turn it down either. I followed Tom's nod to see my benefactor was a man in his early fifties with dark hair, just starting to show a sprinkling of salt. He smiled congenially and returned to talking with the man sitting next to him. He seemed to be in no hurry, so I relaxed and got back into the conversation.

Renee was picking back up where she left off before Anne's outburst of inebriated joy. "What I was saying before was it was like watching a pro. I guess I sorta expected that from Terry, but… I'm not explaining this right."

"It's cool Renee, you caught me in one of those moments of glory." I assured her. "You know a smidge of talent and a lot of desperation about not looking too bad. I step into my panties one leg at a time.

"Is that what it was?" Marcia said, rejoining us. "And here I was gonna ask if you had an agent." She joked and let me know Becca had said I was to handle Renee's questions and tell her about the niggly bits concerning the group. She also let Renee know that she'd email Renee's doctor to thank her for sending Renee.

I was enjoying Renee's company and she seemed to fit in pleasantly with the rest of the group. We got into a conversation on Studio Ghibli films and how Disney was mismanaging the franchise that had us both giggling and the other girls looking confused. That led to comparing video collections, which she kept on her Zire PDA, with the same program I do on my Tungsten. She was impressed with the sheer size of my collection and I was impressed with her taste. As the party wound down I broached the subject of how she'd liked her experience so far she practically bubbled with excitement.

"I don't know what I was really expecting, but this is very nice." She admitted. "Somehow I guess I figured it'd either be a whiney bitch session or a…" She stopped and looked embarrassed.

"A bunch of queens on the prowl?" I asked, smiling. "I know what you mean. Most TG support groups end up being more social club than support. But when Becca, Dale and Mary set this up, they wanted to make sure neither side was left out." Sipping the last of my cup, I added, "I've visited with other groups that were like that. They have their good points, but this is the place I came back to."

"I can understand why my Dr. Klein recommended you all." I was expecting a ton of questions when I stood up in the circle to introduce myself, but y'all just listened and asked if _I_ had questions."

"And?"

"Loads of them, but I hardly know where to start." Renee admitted. "But I guess one of the first is what's this 'Big Sister' thing?"

Terry leapt in on that. "Well, it's something I never had to take advantage of being so accomplished."

"Not to mention that you have a wife who supports and loves you for what you are." Marcia interjected, kissing his lightly powered cheek. "Renee dear, you really should have seen my husband when I first met him. He could fill a costume like no one I knew, but was totally lost at getting ready to pick up a few things at the grocery store."

"I wasn't that bad." Terry grumbled into his beer.

"Your makeup alone would have stopped traffic for miles, hon. Great for the act, but hardly day to day wear." Marcia grinned and turned back to Renee. "You look great kiddo, but you're a little different from other girls and there are times things can get confusing or out of control. The 'Big Sister' program we run here brings together people in the group who have similar problems. For instance, a few of the girls here are married and out to their wives. I try to make myself available to them to help ease things out. Terry has been tapped to help some of the guys who are having problems with their dressing." Marcia paused while she took a sip and continued, "Now Becca tapped Sarah here because she's been walking the same road you're starting down for years."

"Years?" Renee asked looking at me.

"I did some 'Girl Interrupted' time for a few years." If I'd taken proper advantage of the help my Big Sister/mentor offered back then, I…"

"Stop that Sarah." Marcia warned. "You had a bad time and none of us was prepared then to know how to handle it."

"Anywho Renee," I continued. "The idea is that Becca thought that you and I were similar enough that I might be able to help if you're ever confused or alone and in need of help." Pulling my PDA back out, I tapped the Tungsten's screen and transmitted my "business card" to her Zire. "Even if you just need to chat a bit, you can find me. Later on, you may decide I'm not your cup of tea and choose another big sister, but for now I'd be proud to lend you a hand if you ever need it, okay?"

The young brunette stared at her PDA and confirmed the data transfer. "Would you like mine too?"

"If you want to Renee, I'd be happy to accept." I said, and realized it was true.

We put the tables back were they'd been and left, a slightly smaller mob than we'd come in as under Sully and Tom's watchful eyes. Had anyone not passed muster, one or the other would have asked politely if they could arrange a ride home. Other than Annie, who'd already been taken home with Becca though, none of us was tight. I stayed in the middle of the group, not so much because I thought it would keep me safe from Sully's scrutiny, but to keep from being waylaid by the man who'd bought me that drink.

It didn't keep him from briefly striking up a short conversation though. First with Terry, who dropped his femme voice and was obviously trying to faze my admirer. This being the Dove though the tactic didn't work, and I actually got a smile listening to the two of them. Terry was actually enjoying himself, and the stranger looked to be able to pass whatever conversational 'weirdness' Terry could think of to throw at the man. I decided that he at least deserved a polite rain check, and thanked him for the drink, but explained that I was with a group and was leaving with them.

"Then the least I can do is make sure you ladies make it to your ride, no?"

He said it so sincerely and added to his unfazability, good looks and the fact that even Sully was looking at me with a 'what're you waiting for girl?' look, I swallowed my fears and offered my arm.

"Thank you Mr...?"

"Ian please. Ian McConnell." He didn't quite smile winningly, just mildly grinned in a pleased manner. I tried to ignore the little jump that gave my heart, and reminded myself that I was getting too long in the tooth to pay attention to such reactions.

Thus began the odd, but necessary 'migration of the transgendered'. Even in groups of two or three, the average mugger in Baltimore won't hesitate to take a stab at you on the late night streets, but gather a mob of four or more, and even the local street gangs will think twice about the potential risk...

If everyone is passing well.

We were nine that night, including Ian. I don't doubt we drew a few stares from the shadows once clear of The Soiled Dove's well lit doorway, but no one was desperate enough to take a shot.

I really love our group. Somehow the whole group managed to keep Ian and I 'in' the herd, while feeling like they were keeping a discrete distance. As a result, he and I had what turned out to be a pleasant chat while walking the three blocks to Terry and Marcia's Expedition. I started off feeling more self-conscious than normal. While not as casual as Renee's tee shirt and jeans combo, I felt distinctly under dressed next to Ian. His 6' plus frame, was clothed in a well tailored sports jacket and slacks, coupled with a crisply pressed oxford shirt. In combination with handsomely lean, muscular face and hands, along with the neatly combed hair, I kept wanting to call him 'sir and ask what subjects he taught. By comparison, I looked like a soccer mom, fresh from a day shopping. It didn't seem to matter to him though and soon I was just enjoying a pleasant evening stroll with an intelligent, good-looking man. (I left the question of why such a man might be interested in me unresolved.)

We started off discussing music, wandered into movies and had an interesting argument about the differences between traditional and CG animation. By the time we got to the SUV, I'd found myself inviting the handsome man to see a showing of 'Spirited Away' at Towson State.

Remember how I said I loved the group? Well I take it back. When we all piled into the SUV and again, 'somehow' I found myself wedged in beside Ian, while Terry drove us to our individual cars. Perhaps wedged isn't the proper word. I was practically in his lap. That despite knowing for a fact that Terry's Expedition has sat 12 of us comfortably, purses and all.

Terry dropped Ian off at his car first. I got pushed out with him, ostensively to 'thank him and make sure he got to the car without problems'. We traded info and again, he impressed me by simply taking my hand and squeezing it gently while telling me he looked forward to hearing from me about the movie.

For a heartbeat or three, while my hand was engulfed in his, I wondered what it would feel like to be held in the arms those hands were connected to. Perhaps it was longer as the next thing I knew Ian was in his car with the engine idling, waiting for me to rejoin my friends.

Not surprisingly, there was suddenly plenty of elbow room. As I settled in, and Ian's car pulled out in front of us, every head but Terry's turned to me.

"Sar-rah's got a BOY-friend" was followed by a chorus of "Sarah and Ian sittin' in a tree..." Utterly childish... and useful. My own blush, could be filed under the heading of embarrassment rather than the shakes I seem to get after being with any 'strange' guy.

Especially if he's 'nice'.

"Seriously Sarah," Cally said once all the giggling and kidding had calmed down. "Nice catch. Tall, dark, handsome and smells nice to boot."

"Aqua Velva Blue Ice." Renee said, drawing mild looks of interest. "What? Dad uses it."

That started another round of giggles while one by one, cars were located. When we were down to three, Terry called back, "Hey Renee, where's your ride hon?"

"Oh." The small brunette said nervously. "You can drop me at the bus stop nearest Essex. I can catch a bus from there."

"Not at this time of night you won't." I said.

Renee shrugged. "I didn't expect to be out this long or I'd have driven or brought more cash for a cab."

I shook my head. "Terry, I'll get her home. Essex is on my way anyway. You two can handle getting Cally home, right?"

"Don't hurry on my part at this point," Cally said in her soft, little girl's voice. After glancing at her watch she added, "I'm just now ten MIIIIIIIN-ettes...whew...late."

"Cally!" everyone but Renee cried.

"Sorry, Roger and I need to talk about re-setting that pager." Cally said squirming in the seat next to me. Knowing that despite her normally demure attire she and her husband engaged in some rather kinky games, neither I nor Terry and Marcia were willing to ask where exactly that pager had been placed.

Following the awkward silence that followed, Marcia decided to have her say. "Why didn't you say anything earlier? You'll be at least 30 minutes late as it is."

"I know." Cally said with a sly grin. "I think I like it too much when he pages now." I motioned for Renee to ask later.

Terry nodded and turned to drop Renee and me at my car. I smiled at the welcoming sight of the little stuffed Sonic the Hedgehog and Totoro sitting in the back window of the little green Kia Spectra. I opened Renee's side first and joined her a moment or two later. Seeing my parking lights kick on, Terry and Marcia took off with Cally to Glen Burnie.

As I pulled out behind the SUV to leave the parking lot, Renee thanked me. "No biggie hon, I live down Victory Villa way. You living with your parents still?"

"No, Mom and Dad are still 'adjusting' to me coming out." Renee admitted. "I have an apartment and my old car. I just don't like diving in the city. Seems every time I go down here I get lost."

I grunted and turned onto Eastern Ave. "Understood, I know my way to and from about four places and heaven help me if I get diverted. Still, I think you were taking a bigger risk on the MARC line, than you would have with driving."

"Maybe. I've been out full time for the last semester and most of the summer though. I'm pretty used to being out and about. Dr. Klien insisted that I should get in touch with a group that was more in line with some of the problems…we have."

"Not the point, Renee." I said firmly. "You're young and not bad looking. Walking alone anywhere could get you hurt. Don't let yourself be deluded on that point. All women are targets in situations like that. Girls like us, maybe more so than genetic girls."

I stopped at a light in front of City Hospital and noticed Renee staring. "Something wrong?"

"Sorry, I just haven't been around anyone else who was TS too before tonight." I'd thought for a moment she was going to ask about Ian, or why I might be so worried about her being out alone. Neither were topics I felt ready to approach yet and was grateful for Renee's avoidance of them.
I chuckled. "Disappointed?"

"No, I had a great time tonight. I seem to be the only person on campus who's out and… Well, the LG group at Essex Community College just didn't know what to do with me." Renee said.

The light switched to green finally and we got back underway; I began maneuvering over into the right lane so we'd be able to make the on ramp to I-95. "They couldn't lend any support?"

"They have a LGB support group, but they weren't that friendly." Renee sighed. "The general train of thought seemed to be that they need to help me accept that I was really gay and just covering it with clothes and makeup."

"Sorry Renee." I sighed and wished for once I was driving an automatic. Renee sounded like she needed a hand to hold, but a stick in city traffic demands both hands. "I wish I could tell you that the attitude is rare."

"It's just that I've known I was a girl for as long as I can remember, you know? I expected Mom and Dad to be upset, and I do have friends, but they're adjusting too. I kinda assumed I'd have at least some people other than my shrink to talk things over with, but instead found I was having to fight for my identity on two fronts. By the end of this summer Dr. Klien was concerned about depression."

"Well you found us." I nodded. "How surprised were your folks?"

"More than my older sisters." Renee grabbed for a support as we got on the loop to join the interstate. "I mean, they were dressing me up like their own personal Barbie doll back when I was little, and Jan must have noticed that long after they lost interest in playing dolly with me, I was still borrowing clothes…What about you?"

Sneaking into the shadow of a tractor trailer I relaxed and let traffic flow around us. "Oh, I didn't have any experiences like that. Might have eased things a little." I admitted.

"But you knew, didn't you?"

"I knew something was messed up, Renee; just not what. I was about nine before I had any understanding of what I am. Let's see, that would have been 1974."

"Seventy-four!?"

"Don't laugh. Someday you'll be 39 and telling some 'kid' about your childhood." I warned.

"I stand corrected ma'am." Renee said with mocking seriousness. "So what made everything so clear?"

I let my mind drift back thirty years while scanning the road around me….

End prologue.