Pointe Shoes, Chapter 3

"You're up early," Mauve said as she walked to me on the pier over looking the Gulf.

"Just thinking," I whispered as I held my knees tight to my chest.

"About what, mi amiga?" she asked.

"About school next year," I answered. "I'm a little scared about it."

"Can't blame you," Mauve answered. "Thinking about backing out of it?"

I stood up and skipped a rock into the ocean. Backing out, yeah, there were times when I thought about that option.

I shared with Mauve what my therapist discussed with Mom and me. She talked about the bullying. She talked about the reaction from the community, and about whether I would battle depression with what was ahead.

"Heavy stuff, mi amiga" she said as she put her arm around me.

"Sorry to hit ya with it," I said in reply.

Mauve had always proven she had my back. I was lucky she and Lindsey came from an open-minded family.

"So do you want to go back to bein' a boy?" Mauve said. "Seems like the safe play to me."

I told her I thought Mom would be relieved if I did a turn around.

"But would you be cool with it?" Mauve asked. "Seems like you like being a girl better."

"You know me Mauve," I replied. "I can't fight the feelings, ya know?"

"Seems like to me you are a girl," Mauve said. "But girl, boy or mermaid, you're still my best friend."

I teared up. Gave her a hug.

"Can't be a mermaid," I said. "If I were a mermaid, I would be able to outswim you!"

"Not if I were a faster mermaid," she said before diving off the pier.

"Come on in slowpoke," she said as I pulled off my T-shirt and dove in after her.

"Hey, wait for us!" Meg shouted as she, Lindsey, Maya and Jack followed us into the ocean.

*****

The beach was a safe place.

We were just a big family having fun. Nobody knew us.

My hair was long. No one knew I was really a boy on the outside, just a skinny kid who happened not to hit puberty yet.

Not so with Mauve. She was a little bit rounder that I was.

If there was any reason not to pull back, that was it. Hormones, I was told, in my early age, would help me catch somewhat up.

And then there was another revelation at the beach.

There was a group of boys following us around. There was one in particular I was told was attracted to me.

Jack hung out with them. He was the informant.

"Gross," I said when he told us.

But later, I admitted to Meg that I thought he was cute.

"You wouldn't be the only girl ever attracted to a boy," Meg said with a laugh. "I think I was about your age when I started noticing them."

Our beach vacation was over way too soon. For me, the safe places were few and far between.

The beach, home, Aunt Amy's house and, of course, Gram's house.

*****

I can't say the ballet studio was a safe place, but it was more of my sanctuary.

My worries didn't quite go away. I wondered how my friends would treat me when my transition became "official."

But it was kind of hard thinking about it because our rehearsals after the break were really intense.

My parts weren't too difficult. I was a prince, but not THE prince. I was in a dance called the "Garland Waltz" with the rest of my ballet IV classmates. The dance was simple, but fun.

In the opening act I had just a few tours en lair and pirouettes, and one little partnering thing. And I had just a small thing to do in the finale.

The girls had much more difficult parts. I considered them the lucky ones.

Of course, pointe class was a challenge. But to my surprise, I wasn't the only one having trouble.

"You are my wobbly ones," Ms. Jana said. "But you're getting better."

And company class was fun. A challenge, but fun. The combinations were more difficult. But it was cool watching the senior dancers. They were beautiful, especially Meg,

To me, there was no better place in the world.

But I know, things might change once word got out.

"That class was intense," whispered my fellow junior company member Alli after we finished once of the company classes.

"It was," I whispered as we sat on the floor taking our shoes off.

She then stared at me for a moment.

"What?" I asked.

"It's you, isn't it?" Alli replied.