Answers to life?
People seem to either love or hate 50 Shades. It has been difficult for me to read it and see the movie, but I am drawn to it like a “moth to the flame”. The Churchy folk are universal in their condemnation of it, but I simply won’t talk to them about it.
The actual sex part is relatively tame in comparison to some of the things my X and I did. I think on top of a running clothes dryer was close to the best! We never tied each other up or used cuffs though, I wanted to. Don't know who would have worn them.
My BDSM Subbie streak was simply a desperate cry to have someone love me at any price. That finally died a natural death. There is no one to physically love me, and there won’t ever be. Though I have discovered that by burying that pain in service to others you can forget it.
The portrayal of abandonment issues had the most impact on me and led me down a healing path. Apparently I had to face my own daemons in order to see that they were simply mice with dragon masks. I used to hate my mother for abusing me but lately it is clear that she was struggling so hard to help us survive that she had to neglect us, showing no affection because there was no time or energy left. As to my stepfather who did unspeakable things to me for 12 years, I feel sorry for him. I am alive and he is dead. He can neither experience, nor inflict pain on anyone now.
Then there was my own abandonment by a family who I had given almost my dying breath. When I was out of strength and got really sick, they, not knowing what to do simply threw me out. They did not try to hurt me; they simply did not know what to do. I had been the leader for so long that when my leadership was not there, they were lost. I think that is something that every generation experiences, perhaps. "Till death do we part, in sickness and in health is an illusion."
Perhaps, I was never Transgender, perhaps I was simply a worn out caregiver, as the original diagnosis stated. I had led such a masculine life, ignoring my own fears and just bulling it through. Perhaps we cannot always live that way? Some combat experts may understand it. I know that there are some civilian jobs that you just ignore the danger, choke down the sickening fear, give it everything you have until one day, there is nothing there. I saw a tree topper climb out of a tree one day, drop his belt and say he was done. He asked for a ride back to the shop and quit that day. It was the same for me, but it was struggling with usurious, abusive management and one day, I was so fed up that I got in my van and drove it back to headquarters.
One thing about my being Transgender was that after all the therapy and surgeries, I would never have to support a woman ever again. Instead, I could be my own ideal woman. And, that is how it has been for over 10 years. Lately, I am far less rigid about being uber feminine, and have started to let myself slide toward looking and acting like a butch dyke. If I need to be girly, all it takes is a shower, some lippy, and a nice outfit. If I want to go camping, it just takes my hiking boots some loose jeans and a flannel shirt with my pink ball cap. Still can’t pee standing up though. For that I’ll get a funnel.
Chin up Dorothy ! :)
Comments
thanks, Gwen
huggles.
Gwen
Gwen, you clearly have some very deep seated issue, that you need to work out. Though, I wish you only happiness in your life.
No more pretense in life
These days I am blunt. Blunt, not to hurt anyone but truthful knowing that many people just don't get sugar coated. At times, life is pretty tough for most of us.
Some of us risk getting shot at for a living, some of us risk getting fried by a fire ball. Some of us will die because we spent too many hours sitting at a desk and eating pastrami sandwiches until our hearts die. Death gets us all in the end.
Life can be raw and wild. Few people know that in 2005 I took an ad out in Craigslist and wound up with two men in my apartment. One of them wanted to have me by the ass, and I was so high on psych meds and pain killer opiates that I was going to let him. Those were tense moments. I was desperate for a touch, loving or not. The last thing I remember is that I was naked and on the bed on my hands and knees and he hit my ass.
The next thing I remember is he is trying to wake me up. He was shook. The fright on his face was palatable. "What the hell happened to you?" I think he said. He said he just wanted to make sure I was OK, and then he was gone ... Later, my shrink said I had disassociated.
Another day, a man came to my apartment thinking I was a prostitute. He kept pressing me to state a price. I said there was no price, that I just wanted to have someone touch me and say they loved me even if they were lying. I gave him and the other guy a blow job.
Then came 9 months of AIDS/HIV testing and the remorse. Did I tell you that I had been a righteous churchy before the family threw me out?
You say I have issues? You don't know the half of it.
After the last test and I was clean, I knew I was not going back to my old church, so out of spite and my desperate search for something legitimate. I became Muslim. That was a study in persecution, rejection and punishment.
Issues you say? You have no fucking idea.
I will never hurt another human being and if I can no one will ever hurt anyone else in my sight. Sure, I have issues, but they made me stronger. We need to learn the strength that comes from enduring wrong, not because we were strong but because we had no choice.
You are not the only one.
You are not the only one with a painful past.
If you feel you made some mistakes, learn from the, and move on.
If you feel you have been wrong, work to right those wrongs to the point you can move on.
It sounds like that most of your problems have been trying to find acceptance from others.
Perhaps you should just find you own way, and ignore the negativity you get from others. It sounds like you have already faced the worst that life could possibly do you. And you are still relatively sane. What more could be done to you, that you have no already experienced? What do you have to be afraid of?
There are people on this website, including myself, that are concerned for you. Don't take our kind words as a challenge. We are just trying to make you feel better. To bring some measure of happiness to your life. Please, don't reject our kind intentions.