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In my own situation, growing up with nasty, brutal men, I hated them, and I hated being one of the enemy even worse, and did not accept that idea without struggle. Then, what did I do but marry a young woman who herself had been abused awfully, and in her adult years became a rabid feminist. So after a while, I could never be right, or even OK. Looking back, I just wanted to be on the winning side. It was a choice to just walk away from her like so many other young males did at the time. In good conscience, the idea that she could be left in that hell was unacceptable.
It was the same as a child. Mother loved me so much that she, having been molested herself, in her own damaged and abused mind, decided I was female. 50 years later, the truth would be revealed due to medical tests that revealed my wonkie, dual nature. As a very young child, it was obvious that I should have been with my sister and her friends as they were like me. My brothers and stepfather were right bastards. Though it was not clear to me what a girl or a boy was, I knew I was not like those who were mean, given to anger and brutality, and were always grumbling. Even then I just wanted to be on the good side. I muddled along over the years, not actually realizing what the problem was. Mental health counselors of the GBLT persuasion convinced me that I was transgendered, and over time as that belief took root in my own mind, it led to the total destruction of my personal life. Sometimes life just gets too big for us and we can be rationalized into all sorts of things. I honestly can't say where God was then and why he permitted this path in my life?
The thing that really gave that idea energy was the big nervous breakdown after 9/11. The government went nuts, and I worked for the government, and I wound up not even knowing who I was. They put me on very heavy doses of a lot of drugs. In the last year or so, I have had more than one Doctor tell me that those drugs were greatly dis-inhibiting, interrupting the function of the Amygdala, and causing me to act on ideas that were outside my own good interest. Mental issues post 9/11 were common among government workers.
So, I never really was Transgendered. I just wanted to be on the good side. And, if men in American culture were not so unacceptably emasculated, had I found a woman who was supportive and not damaged herself, I would still be living as a man today. I would still own that 93 Dodge Cummins Ram 4x4, still poking about with it in areas were humans are hard pressed to even walk. The specially built 30:06 I owned would still be hanging in the rack. I'd be seeing my two daughters and perhaps even my son at Christmas.
I really tried to be good too, but at some point my strength failed.
Comments
Gwen... you really need to stop beating yourself up over this.
Seriously.
Nine times out of ten, you are happy with being a woman. Does that mean that the one time out of ten you aren't makes it the wrong decision? Perhaps that one time out of ten is enough to think about why that element bothers you, but if the general consensus is that you are a happier, better person as you are than as you were, why do you keep questioning yourself?
I'm not saying you couldn't have found happiness staying a man, but that is neither here nor there at this point, and even if you were to undergo the vast amounts of surgery and medication that would be needed to reverse your transition, ask yourself this: would it fix any of the problems you have, or simply add more to the pile?
Who you are, WHAT you are, is your choice, Gwen. Your happiness, also, is your choice. By continuously seeking to find reasons to be unhappy, though, you do yourself a terrible disservice.
So, I'll rephrase what I said at the start: if you're overall happy or accepting of your situation most of the time, and the times that you aren't are either fleeting or due to circumstances beyond your control... then what makes you think that destroying the times you are happy will make the times you aren't any better?
Perhaps I'm phrasing this all badly. Regardless, stop beating yourself up.
You can be a good person if you want to. ANYone can be a good person if they want to. The problem comes down to one big question: do you define a good person by whether other people like what they do, or whether they did the right thing? Because if it's the former, then I feel very sorry for you, and if it's the latter, then taking care of yourself -- and your own happiness -- is the only way to make sure you're capable of more good in the future.
Melanie E.
You do need help.
From what you have said, I think you have deep seated trust issues stemming from abuse and betrayal, from earlier childhood, to adulthood.
Before looking into any possible gender issues, you need to deal with these issues of trust. Though, once you have dealt with those problems, like going to therapy, you will be in a better position to decide what you want to do with your life.
Thank you.
I had SRS in 2007, so it is a bit late. In my opinion, some or many of us who think we are TG are simply stressed and disillusioned. And, there is quite a large group of counselors who reinforce the idea of transgenderism. Now, I strongly suspicion that if such folk could be placed in a reinforcing and gentle atmosphere, the whole TG thing would evaporate. For me, there was no latent homosexuality. The fact that I am XXy, in my opinion, did not nessesarily mean that I was TG, Homosexual, or anything like that.
Religious folk just exacerbate the issue by their senseless condemnations.
A matter of great confusion and discomfiture to me is that I am so successful as a woman. No one ever reads me and I have been all over the United States. One issue is that I want to be held and loved and I can not continue to survive with out it. No man seems able to cope with my dual nature.
It has become extremely clear how I have wounded my family, and seeing it makes me believe that I will surely go to hell.
I posted this blog today to perhaps warn others like me off before it is too late.
Let's take this one thing at a time.
From what I am reading from you, you sound like you are transgendered. The question has how far on that transgender bell-curve are you. You might have jumped the gun on SRS, but you might have come to have SRS, anyway, later in life.
Ask yourself, when you looked at yourself, down there. Do you feel "comfortable" with yourself? Not happy. Not sad. Just "comfortable." Even if you feel slightly regretful, that might not be about the SRS itself, but what you use to could do. Anyone would miss being about to pee standing up. That is a normal reaction. What matters is do you feel that it is good trade off with what you have now.
Going back to your original post. You claim that you believe you tricked yourself into being TG because you saw the advantages of being a girl. You could still be transgendered, and still feel that way. With that view point only pushing you a little to fast than you are comfortable.
No, that means you are intersexed. That means you are already in the gray area between genders. No matter what, you are transgendered. You were just born this way.
From what I understand, the point of "transitioning" is to be yourself. No to be some caricature of how you view a woman to be.
I think that is core of your confusion. You believe that if you are not being yourself, and you were trying to be someone else, that does not mean that you cannot be transgendered. That is not the case.
You need to focus on being yourself, and doing what is comfortable for you. Not someone else. If you don't do that, then everything you have done is all for not.
Having a dual nature when is comes to gender is being "gender fluid'. That is being transgender. And part of the gray area of gender that you clearly are in.
No one is truly masculine, nor feminine. There is a bell curve. Just some are closer to the middle, than others. If you have enjoyed being a woman, than you might be more feminine than masculine, and the problem is that you did not take into account the masculine part of your nature.
Whether someone wants to admit it, or now, that is a balancing act that everyone, transgender, or not, has to learn to deal with in their life.
I have found "hell" to be more of a stay of being. If you had to do what you did to find some peace in this living hell we call life, than you are in the right.
Now, by "wounded your family", you mean you were rude to them by living as a woman, then you may have a point. But, if all you did was be yourself, and they felt offended by that, and alienated you, then it is their fault.
As I said, you might have jumped the gun on SRS. But, you might have still done SRS, later. You just did it too soon. If you were not transgendered, you would have had problems with your SRS much sooner. Not, seven years later. But, don't give ammunition to your detractors.
And, like I said, you need to do some soul searching, and get some therapy about your trust issues, dealing with the abuse and betrayal you have experienced in life.
To add to the above comment.
Even in 2007, the access to the srs was controlled by mental health professionals.
They keep this control in order to throw roadblocks up when there is the slightest doubt that srs is the correct step for someone. You would not have been able to GET the srs if it was not truly a good thing for you, since then you could go after the doctors that granted access in a malpractice lawsuit. ;)
abuse causes a lot of issues, I'm pretty sure everyone here knows this, from their own experience. Those take a long time to deal with, usually in therapy, not just the peer support of the LGBTQ community.
The loneliness, the isolation, the lack of simple human contact, those can be addressed a lot by the community. Finding that someone special to share your life with, that is hard enough for everyone on the planet, the only way, get out in public space doing stuff, regularly. like a once a week coffee at the same place, and time. The pattern means anyone that you interest can make sure they have the opportunity to be there and actually spend time with you.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
much of what you said could apply to me as well, Gwen
Right at the time I was first beginning to show signs of gender issues I fell under the "care" of a rapist. I also had very few positive male role models - my father was a suicide, my stepfather an abusive alcoholic who beat me senseless and even tried to kill me once. So maybe I just wanted to be on the "good side" too.
All I have to offer is huggles.