As we got in the car she looked at me strangely and said. "Well this is something that I never thought I would have to say to my son in law, but I think you'd better repair your make up, your mascara has run"   A Mother's Love Part 7 by Alys

Bekka suckled greedily on my nipple, the feeling of closeness to my precious daughter was some small comfort after the terrible news about Mary. I stroked her head gently. Andrea sat opposite me at the kitchen table, lost in her thoughts. The noise of Bekka feeding and the tick of the kitchen clock were the only sounds to disturb the silence. Mary's Mother turned her gaze towards me.

"It is so strange to see you feeding my granddaughter, Steve. Mary told me what you were doing but it is another thing to see it," she said

I didn't know what to say so I carried on feeding Bekka in silence.

After a few minutes, Andrea got out of her chair and picked up our coffee cups to wash in the sink.

"I don't understand," I said quietly.

"What don't you understand," Andrea asked.

"What I don't understand is how she has deteriorated so quickly, she seemed OK the last week when she came to stay with you," I replied.

"Didn't she tell you she had some test results?," Andrea asked, coming back to sit opposite me at the table after drying the cups.

"What results?" I asked.

"She went for her monthly check up before she came here, didn't you know that?" she inquired.

"Yes, of course and she said that everything was fine," I replied.

"Didn't you wonder why she wanted to come and see me the next day?"

"A little, but Mary said she wanted to get away for a few days, she didn't seem any different, she has been down since she gave birth"

Andrea paused for a few moments and then looking at me spoke again.

"That's when she first knew about her treatment failing and also the suspected cancers"

"Cancers!?", I responded abruptly, startled at the mention of the C word, Bekka was jolted off my nipple. She continued to suck for a few moments and then started to whimper. I put her carefully back to my breast.

"What do you mean by cancers?" I asked my Mother-in-law.

Andrea carefully told me everything she know about the results of my wife's tests. The cancer that had originated in her ovary was spreading rapidly because of the inability of her body's defences, compromised by AIDS, to fight it. After she had finished telling me this we sat quietly while I finished feeding Bekka. My head was spinning as I tried to digest the terrible news that Andrea had given me. After all my expectation and hope of seeing Mary again and hoping for us to be reconciled, these developments were very hard to take.

Bekka finished feeding, I adjusted my bra and my dress and sat with my daughter in my arms, slowly rocking her to sleep.

"How long?" I asked, quietly.

"How long?" responded Andrea, not understanding my question.

"How long will Mary survive?" I asked.

"Oh, the prognosis. Um, it's not good at all, maybe a few weeks, although if they could find a new combination of drugs for her AIDS then there would be more hope," Andrea explained.

"Are her doctors trying new drugs?" I asked.

"They would if she'd let them."

"What do you mean, if she would let them?" I asked, surprised at Andrea's comment.

"She won't give permission, she doesn't want to try, says that the side effects are unpleasant and that she is sick of having to take so many drugs"

"Please can we go and see her?" I asked," maybe I can persuade her not to give up. When's visiting time?"

Andrea looked at the clock in the kitchen.

"Oh, it's later than I thought, we need to get there in half an hour. OK, if we go now, we should make it, there's one problem though," Andrea said, looking strangely at me.

"What's that?" I asked.

"There's no time for you to change, could be a bit tricky," she replied and then paused, obviously trying to think of a solution to the problem of Mary's husband turning up looking like a woman. She smiled and then continued," I know we'll say you're Mary's sister, what can we call you?"

"What about Stevie, you know, short for Stephanie," I replied, explaining about the woman in the service station.

"Sounds fine"

Almost forty minutes later we were stepping into the lift near the entrance of Manchester Royal Infirmary. The journey had taken longer than usual because of the traffic coming from the Manchester football derby.

Andrea pressed the button for the fourth floor where the Critical Care ward was situated. We walked into the quiet, ward where a few patients were connected to machines that bleeped and pinged quietly in an almost musical harmony.

The ward sister took us over to a room in an annexe of the ward. She explained to me and reminded Andrea that only one visitor at a time was permitted and that anyone entering the room would have to wear clinical overalls, masks and gloves to reduce exposing Mary to any possible infections. Andrea went in first, while I sat outside with Bekka in my arms, she slept quietly.

Some fifteen minutes later, Andrea came out, there were tears in her eyes.

"She'll see you now," she said. I handed Bekka to her, tied my mask on and was about to open the door when she put her hand on my arm.

"Try not to appear shocked by her appearance, she has gone down a long way since you saw her last"

I entered the room. It was light and airy. In the corner, next to the window I saw what looked like a wizened old woman lying in a bed with machines attached to her. I walked over.

"Hello Mary" I said, uncertain of her response.

"Steve?" she replied, raising her eyes at my appearance.

"Yes"

"Why are you dressed like that? In my dress and wearing makeup?" she asked.

I sat down and held her hand and explained about feeding Bekka on the motorway.

She laughed weakly when I told her about the children from hell in the motorway service station.

"Thanks for coming, I am so sorry about the letter I sent you and the wedding ring," she said," I couldn't think what to do, I wanted you to be angry and not come and see me."

"Why?"

"I have caused so many problems for you, I know I can't help either you or Bekka now, I wanted to be gone from your lives," she said. Tears began welling up in her eyes.

"Mary, I need, you, I love you, why do you want to die?" I asked tearfully.

"Look at me Steve, how can I do anything now....." she said and then she coughed with the effort of speaking.

"You can fight this Mary. Let them try and find a new drug combination for the AIDS"

"Please Steve, I can't fight any more, it's too hard," she started crying and then had another a fit of coughing.

The nurse, who had been checking Mary's vitals, came over.

"I'm sorry Miss I think your sister needs a rest now"

I took one last look at Mary before leaving the room.

I took Bekka from Andrea and held her close to me, my treasured gift from Mary, we walked along the corridors in silence, the tears were flowing freely down our cheeks.

As we got in the car she looked at me strangely and said.

"Well this is something that I never thought I would have to say to my son in law, but I think you'd better repair your make up, your mascara has run"