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I've been thinking a lot about puberty.
I mean, that's the closest I can probably come to describing what I'm going through - the high estrogen levels, the growing breasts, the mood swings ...
And the sex drive.
That's the one that scares me - the fact that after a long time having minimal interest in sex, I'm now starting to see it climb back up. Which would be okay, I guess, but there's a couple of problems.
First, I had assumed going into this that I was only interested in girls, and that my transition wouldn't change that, but I was mistaken - between the estrogen and me dealing with my rape I have apparently opened up a door to an interest in men. And considering the only time I have been sexual with a man started when I was seven, I'm really leery of going there again.
The second problem is that I have zero chance of having a relationship, much less a sexual one. I'm a broke, fat, trans, PTSD survivor with manic-depression and minimal social skills who has a (estranged) wife and child to think of, so what exactly do I have to offer someone? Not only that, my sole social outing is church, where the heck is that special guy or girl gonna even meet me?
So you put those two problems together, and its not hard to believe that I'm probably doomed to do without a relationship.
Ah, well.
Comments
I have an idea.
Complain about it to the VA. When they do nothing you can sue them! But then they will give you a mail order spouse to shut you up!
Im just kidding, lolz, but you never know what could happen, theres somebody for everybody.
♥♥
At church.!!!
Why not ?
They know part of the deal, no? They would have value that are close to yours. They seem to accept you for you.
Otherwise, keep your eyes open, you never know.
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Peace, Love, Freedom, Happiness
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I feel like i'm never going
I feel like i'm never going to have a relationship with anyone. I think it's my autism getting in the way. I just don't connect with anyone. I have what i think are quite a bit of good qualities, but communicating that is almost impossible.
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Well, first...
...what you're going through is normal. Either that or we're both equally strange--my discovery of my sexuality followed pretty much the same path as yours, except that I'd considered myself to be asexual prior to transition. I'd tried dating a woman, but could not figure out why I felt no arousal. (Though looking back, I might have been shoving down an attraction to men I didn't want to admit to, but it wasn't a very strong one).
Once I transitioned, holy hormonal flare-ups, Batman! I started developing an attraction to a male roommate (a fellow who was staying with me temporarily). Once, when he left the apartment, I put on one of his jackets because it had his scent on it. Yeah, I had it bad.
I was taken off hormones for a few years because I smoked, after which I settled back into a comfortable asexuality, thinking my brief attraction to men was a fluke. However, in 2009 I quit smoking and consequently was put on a fairly high dose of estrogen--then that "wow!" feeling started all over again. I found myself watching "Star Trek: TNG" and having fantasies about Commander Riker! (He was just one great big ball of gorgeous back in the day....)
So, in short, I think I know where you're coming from. =)
As to finding someone, church is definitely your best bet. In my interpersonal communication class back in college, I learned that proximity is a huge factor in determining what partners we choose. People in the same job, same apartment building, that sort of thing. So it seems a good place for you to start.
Is it being a pre-op that's holding you back? It's not necessarily a barrier to romance. If a guy likes you for you and not for what you have (or don't) between your legs, your surgical status shouldn't matter.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
So...
You wrote:
"Not only that, my sole social outing is church, where the heck is that special guy or girl gonna even meet me?"
So what's wrong with meeting at church???
Well, then, there's also work.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann