Hi! I'm Reagan Cathay. I've been working for a Border City, California company, Four Greedy Bastards Security, for over four years now. I'm trying to work my way up the corporate ladder, making success all the way until some goofball throws a wrench into it. Read about how my wife and I learn to cope with the consequences...

I Have to Endure Four Greedy Bastards
A Story by Catherine Elizabeth Wells
©2014. All rights reserved.
   

I had served almost a year-and-a-half as the Asset Protection Manager for the Patrol Division of Four Greedy Bastards Security Company in Border City, California. I was good at it and had earned respect from my subordinates. I received stacks of commendations by all four of the greedy bastards until one shift one of my officers turned wuss on me and said I made him cry.

My boss, Gordon Reich, had been on me to step up Uniform Inspections because Peter Peters, the greedy bastard in charge of him, wanted company image to be pretty as can be as we were guarding the assets of the schmucks we worked for.

I had called for an inspection for the half-hour preceding our shift three days hence. I made certain my underlings were aware that they must wear their complete uniform: a black uniform shirt, black slacks for men and black skirt for women, black socks, black tie, black polished shoes, black uniform cap, white undershirt, identification ID tag, polished brass shield, polished brass name tag and black Garrett belt. Upon their belts they were to have attached a three-cell MagLite, company patrol phone, a pepper spray and notepad holder. They also needed to present their valid California Driver License, California-issued Guard Card, Red Cross accreditations and Five Core Values card.

Every officer, to a man or woman, met the expectations save one runt of a kid who never had his shit together. He didn't have any of his accreditations; no California Driver License or California-issued Guard Card. He flat out forgot his billfold. Besides that, he was wearing a periwinkle uniform shirt... I don't know where he'd gotten a periwinkle shirt with the Four Greedy Bastards indicia upon it since we don't issue shirts in that color with our indicia upon it. He also wasn't wearing an undershirt. The four bastards insist that we wear a white tee shirt clearly visible when wearing the shirt collar open and unbuttoned. He wasn’t wearing socks either but he was wearing bright red pizza sauce and a couple of cheese chunks all over his puss.

Whereas all of my other officers were properly groomed and maintained, this klutzy oaf of an officer was one totally messed up screwball.

I asked Kermit Precious to step into my office as I dismissed the rest of my officers to proceed on to their patrols.

"Kermit?" I was uber polite. "You were aware we were having Uniform Inspection this shift, weren't you?"

"Yes sir," he replied in his goofy, I-don’t-want-to-be-here voice. "I was."

"You are aware," I said, "that you are not in uniform?"

"I have my shirt, sir."

I was my politest. I knew I was going to have to send him home and drive his patrol route this shift and that wasn’t appealing at all since I had a lot of other work to finish.

“That’s not our shirt, Kermit. See the one I’m wearing? It’s black. Yours is periwinkle.”

“I guess I used too much bleach, Reagan. I’m sorry.”

“You aren’t wearing your shield. Where’s your shield, Kermit?”

“The pin back broke off.”

"I'm going to have to send you home."

"Why, sir? This is bu..." He realized he was about to say "bullshit" but caught himself midword.

"What's that, Kermit?"

I'm still trying to keep my cool.

"It's unfair sir. I need my money."

"But you're not in uniform, Kermit."

"I has my uniform on. My other one's dirty,"

"But you were issued ten uniform changes on hire, Kermit. You were issued ten individual proper uniform issues, I might add. They were all black, not periwinkle blue."

"What's wrong with this uniform, sir?"

"We don't wear periwinkle and you’re not wearing either your brass shield, your brass name badge or your identification tag, Kermit."

"The attachments all broke off, Reagan."

I bit my tongue.

"You're not wearing your tie, Kermit. Did your dog eat it?”

“No, Reagan, I’m scared of dogs.”

“So wear’s your tie?”

“Momma uses it to keep the door open when it’s hot like today.”

“Did you ever think to tell your Momma that the tie is part of your uniform, Kermit?”

“No. I never want to get my Momma mad at me.”

“Aren’t you thirty-two years old, Kermit?”

Ungh. He’s five-years older than me.

“Yes sir.”

“Then why are you living with your Momma?”

“She’d be lonely if I didn’t, Reagan.”

I was really getting frustrated. If the guy weren’t so danged frustrating, he’d probably be a really nice friend to have. I mean, he’s loyal to a fault, just not a good dresser.

“I’m going to issue you another tie, Kermit.”

“Thank you.”

“You're not wearing a white tee shirt. It’s part of the Four Greedy Bastards uniform."

"Never wear one of those, sir. Gives me an awful rash. Bad looking for company image..."

"Enough! You don't have any of your accreditations on you. Who leaves their house without his driver license?"

"Border City Police asked me the same thing, Reagan. I'm sorry."

“When did the Border City Police ask to see your license, Kermit.”

“On my way here, sir. I got a ticket for going seventy-eight on the freeway.”

“Did you report the ticket, Kermit?”

“Didn’t know I had to, Reagan.”

“Kermit, anytime you get any sort of traffic citation, you need to contact Dispatch or me. Four Greedy Bastards can cancel your driving privileges. You’ll end up guarding a parking lot if that happens.”

“Sorry, Reagan.”

"Sorry isn't going to cut it, Kermit. Go home."

"I need the pay, Reagan."

"You can't drive a Four Greedy Bastards patrol car without your driver license or your California Guard Card. You’ll probably be out for more than a day because of your speeding ticket. The bastards'll have my ass if I send you out there tonight. Go home Kermit."

"I need the pay, Reagan. Momma’s relying on me."

"Your report looks bad enough, already, Kermit. Go home before I'm obligated to put you on extended suspension."

"I need my goddamned money, Reagan, Momma’s going to kill me if I don’t get paid. I need the goddamned money."

Kermit Precious was yelling at the top of his lungs. Barbara Gleek, Four Greedy Bastards’ Head Dispatcher, heard Kermit screaming and raced into my office.

“Officer Precious!” Barb blew a compression horn and it barely drowned out Kermit’s irritatingly loud voice. “Why are you shouting at APM Christmas?”

“He’s not going to give me my goddamned money!”

“Kermit,” I said in a calm manner although my heart was racing, “Go home.”

Kermit's eyes filled with tears. He then proceeded to call me and Barbara Gleek every cuss word that he knew. It's a good thing that Four Greedy Bastards requires that counseling sessions be videoed.

"You'll be sorry, Reagan."

"Goodbye, Kermit. Enjoy your week off."

“You said it was for tonight.”

“It’ll be a week. We’ll call you.”

Kermit flipped Barbara and me the bird. He knew that he was being recorded but he still showed us his prominently extended middle finger.

---

  

Two days passed and Gordon Reich called me into his office. When I arrived, a Human Resources representative was in his office with him.

"Come on in, Reagan. Have a seat. You know Kelly Jean Buck, don't you?"

I indicated that I did and shook her hand. I wasn't told that Human Resources would be sitting in on the meeting.

"What's up Gordon?" I asked. "You made it sound like this was a meeting between you and me?"

"We have a slight problem, Reagan."

My face went blank.

"Kermit Precious has filed a restraining order against you. So have seven of the ten other officers."

My jaw almost hit the floor.

"I don't understand?"

"Kermit Precious claims you have been showing contempt toward him and that you plotted to get him suspended for a week out of spite. Paul Pounder, Richard Wilson, Virginia Grove, Mary Simms, Harry Kendall, Drew Logan and Phillip Newberry have all signed affidavits that you can sometimes be gruff towards Kermit Precious. They further state that you called for a Uniform Inspection without giving them enough time to prepare for the inspection."

“But I gave them all fives on the matrix. My fitreps will bear me out.”

“Kermit said you berated him after you’d dismissed everyone else to go out on their patrols.”

“I did no such thing. I called him into my office and politely explained why I was sending him home. No one else heard what I said to him. The outer office was inaccessible to everyone but the Asset Protection Supervisors. They’re not among the names you read off.”

“At any rate, Reagan, Officer Precious says you were unfair in your evaluation of him on the Monday shift Uniform Evaluation. He said you wanted him to lose his pay."

“I did no such thing, Gordon, I know how tough it is making budget. Heck, I don’t get paid much more than any of them get paid.”

“We’re going to have to put you on five-days paid suspension, Reagan.”

"I don't understand. You saw the video of Officer Precious’s counselling session, didn't you? He was a mess."

"Will, pepper your words. The Patrol Department VCCR went down Monday afternoon. We have no recording of your counseling session with Kermit Precious."

“Barbara Gleek saw how he was dressed. He had a periwinkle shirt on, no badge and no CDL or Guard Card…”

“Please, Reagan. Things will turn out fine. We have to interview the officers separately. Things have a way of evening out.”

"You know me, Gordon. I'm fair with my officers. Kelly Jean, you know my character..."

"Reagan, keep the conversation directed my way. I'm here to help. Kelly Jean is only here to observe."

"Okay, but I've had thousands of counseling sessions with hundreds of officers and..."

"We’re focusing on Kermit Precious, Reagan. He says you expected more of him than any of the other officers."

"All of my officers were in neat, proper appearance with clean and presentable uniforms. They all got fives. Kermit Precious was unkempt and sloppy for Monday shift’s Uniform Evaluation."

"He said he's had problems with his laundry. he asked for an exception to his appearance Monday."

“He told me he lets his mother tie the door open with his uniform tie…”
“His Momma?”

“Yes, Gordon, his Momma…”

“Barbara Gleek gave you a pretty fair evaluation. She said the horn she blew almost burst everyone's’ eardrums?”

I half-giggle.

"It did. Gordon, Kermit Precious wasn't even in a proper Four Greedy Bastards uniform. His shirt was periwinkle blue; patrol is black. We don't even have a site that wears periwinkle, do we?"

"No, Reagan, but that's beside the point."

"How can that be, Gordon? It was a Uniform Inspection. He had nine other full uniforms at home. You saw my reports and his fitrep..."

"Had a problem with that, too, Reagan. We received no fitreps or reports of any sort from you on Monday shift. Our system was down company-wide. Android had a glitch too."

I pulled my tablet from its holder.

"I still have everyone’s fitreps here and their texts to me are in here... I have all my reports..."

"That won't be necessary, Reagan. We're reinstating Kermit Precious tonight with retropay. Were asking you to take a couple of days off. APSS Carlson will take over for you until you return."

"But Kermit wasn't wearing socks.. or an undershirt… he probably won’t have his credentials..."

“He’s being informed that, on his reinstatement, he is required to carry proper credentials and be in his proper uniform. If he slips up he knows he’s out of here.”

"Take the time and rest, Reagan. I believe in you. We'll see you in a couple of days. Four Greedy Bastards still has faith in you. Enjoy the beach with your wife. I know she misses you because you’re on that crazy graveyard shift and all. Relax... don't worry."

---

  

I left the office and went to gather my things to head on home. Amanda, my wife, would be surprised to have me home over a couple of weeknights, but what story could I concoct that didn’t sound like I was being punished? I had the drive a twenty-minute drive home to figure that much out.

---

  

Before I left, I opened my fitrep files and all my reports. It was good thing that the Four Greedy Bastards Human Relations Department now required photos be taken after all fitreps because Officer Kermit Precious’s picture showed I wasn't hallucinating.

---

  

I sent off copies of each fit-rep to my email and left my tablet where only Gordon Reich could gain access. Gordon had joined up with Four Greedy Bastards about six-months before me and I had hopes of getting to his level within the year. With the present situation, things weren’t looking too good.

---

  

I kissed Mandy when I got home and decided that the best thing was to tell her the truth. Before I did, I told how much I loved being married to her and that any night I got to spend with her was fantastic.

---

  

In the morning I received a text message from Gordon Reich. A meeting had been set up between me, him, his supervisor, APO Kermit Precious, one of the Four Greedy Bastards partners and Kelly Jean Buck, Human Resources rep at 1500 hours. This was mandatory and I had be there or risk further suspension. Gordon couldn't discuss anything else in the message.

I don't worry about many things, but this one had me sweating.

I made it through breakfast with my Amanda but soon after we'd eaten, I broke down.

---

  

"That sounds urgent, honey."

"I just hope things turn out well. I'd hate to get the boot because a pigpen like Kermit Precious brought a complaint against me. I get so irate just thinking that he could do such a thing."

"Just think positive things, honey. God has his hand on your midriff holding you up above water. I know He does, honey."

"If you say so, Mandy. You're a better believer in God than I am."

She gave me the sweetest kiss.

---

  

I spent the next hours mulling events over in my mind. I replayed every one of them in my brain and was sure I had been professional in every aspect of the uniform inspection.

I got dressed in the uniform Mandy starched and pressed for me. I made sure my shoes were shined so that I could see my face looking down to my feet.

When it came time to leave, Mandy could see that I was nervous. I kissed her and left for the office.

---

  

I ran into a spot of traffic on my way in to the office. Actually, I got into a traffic snarl that left me the briefest of minutes before I was to stand before my snake-like accuser and the adjudicators.

I parked my Lexus in my assigned space and proceeded to Corporate which is several buildings removed from Patrol. If I didn’t hightail it, I might have been grossly late.

I opened the huge mahogany doors and the Four Greedy Bastards Security Company indicia hit me squarely between my eyes.

The receptionist, Sarah Burman, who was once one of my best patrol officers, and is now making four-times as much as any of my current officers, greeted me with a smile.

"Hello, Reagan. Please have a wait right here. They’ll call you in when everything is ready."

I found a rich Corinthian leather chair and let my bottom sink into it's luxuriant confines. As soon as I was comfortable, however, Gordon Reich stuck his big fat head through the half-way open door.

"We'll be right with you, Reagan. And, really, don't worry at all, my friend."

When my Gordon Reich tells me “don’t worry at all” and adds “my friend” to the end of the sentence, that's a tell. Thing as aren't going to be all that good is all I can imagine in my brain.

---

  

I always expect to be called into "intimate meetings" a little later than the scheduled time. Usually the boss or the higher muckety muck is running late. This was no exception. The late one, this time, was my accuser, Asset Patrol Officer Kermit Precious.

---

  

Sarah announces that they are ready for me and shows me to the door.

"Good luck, Katy!"

---

  

I open the door, mush through them and Gordon Reich says, "Have a seat, Katy."

I look at my boss like he is crazy.

"Katy?"

What's with that, Gordon? You and Sarah drinking the same sauce? I think it but keep mum.

Peter Peters, Chief Operating Officer of Four Greedy Bastards Security Company, pulled my chair out for me. In my whole life, no one had ever pulled a seat out for me and helped me scooch it into the tables. And this table? It is massive and made of rare purpleheart wood. My feet didn't touch the ground, which I found strange because I'm six-foot three-inches tall.

"For the record," Kelly Jean Buck said, "May we state that your name is ‘Ms. Catherine Elizabeth Reagan’ and that you prefer the name ‘Katy’ in casual company?"

I look around and ponder who they might be talking to. Gordon Reich, Peter Peters, Kermit Precious, Henry Friedman, Kelly Jean Buck and me; we’re the only ones there. No one else is in the meeting room. My last name is ‘Catherine’ and I paid dearly amongst the other kids from elementary school on up.

Kermit Precious is dressed more immaculately than I've ever observed him at work. He even seems more trim. My Kermit always had a bit of a beer belly but now he could be sporting a six-pack. At any rate he looked wonderful.

Kermit looked at me and said, "Thank you, Katy. Our talk really made me think. I owe you my debt of gratitude."

Why did he call me 'Katy'?

I look toward my lap and can swear I'm looking at someone else's legs. Those legs also happen to be wearing a Four Greedy Bastards uniform skirt. Ungh. I look at my arms and hands. My arms are slender and I see the Four Greedy Bastard indicia at my shoulder. These arms are not muscular. like mine and my fingernails? Each is perfectly manicured and have a red coat of lacquer upon them.

"May I be excused?" I ask. "I really need to use the restroom."

I'm startled when I pass a mirror and a young woman walks with me.

---