Part 14 - In the school for imagers,
What do kids know anyway – as much as we care to teach them.

This is a fan-fiction set on Terahnar the world created by L.E. Modesitt for his Imager series. I have no rights to any of it and don’t claim to. I just wanted to see what a story about a MTF transgender person set in the time just after Rex Regis consolidated Lydar into Solidar would be like.

Thank you Anne for your continued help in this project.

By the time I had been at Westisle a year and a half, I wasn’t the newest imager many times over, however I was still the only girl. With the start of the New Year, two scholars came to teach and coordinate our education. So instead of just tutorial sessions with Major Volytr, Captian Threkhyl, Under-Captian Kolyrt and Mistress Holyswryth I was now in classes taught by the scholars with 6 or 8 other young imagers. The classes were in reading, writing, history and languages. I studied Court Bovarian and Telleran, two languages that were used in the home country of Rex Regis although Bovarian was the language of Bovaria, who’s ruler made the mistake of attacking Tilbar and brought the wrath of Rex Regis (although be wasn’t called that until he and his imager supported army had consolidated all of the nations on Teleryn) down on his head.

From the history lessons and what I knew of my homeland, Antiago, the consolidated rule of Rex Regis was preferable to the rule of either of the Rexes of the lands who had opposed him. If for no other reason, having a single set of laws for the entire continent certainly made it easier for commerce and the lives of everyone – only one set of laws to live with.

I had a course of study tailored to my abilities and interests as well as my gender. I determined this because no one else was taking all the same courses I took and as we learned more and developed more imaging skills we had mostly tutorials from senior imagers and others who were masters of their disciplines.

The most gut-wrenching sessions were the human anatomy study for advanced imager trainees. These sessions were conducted in the medical annex next to the prison in Llantiago. The first sessions I just watched as cadavers were cut open and the placement of the organs and blood vessels were shown. In following sessions I had to image wax into a windpipe, or air into a blood vessel in the chest or head, or a bullet into a heart. This was very gruesome, but it was pointed out that sometime I might have to use this knowledge to save my life or the lives of others.

Working on dead bodies was how I learned about the female parts I didn’t have inside me and then about the missing ribs and the tilt of the female pelvis.
My special courses included regular sessions on cooking, dress and deportment, household management, as well as etiquette, and dancing. This was in addition to the sessions with senior imagers designed to increase my imager skills and ability.

My body had become curvier and my breasts had grown a little, but I was much flatter and straighter than the other girls my age as I could tell by looking at them in the washroom and showers. I decided that I needed to change my shape a tiny bit at a time if I didn’t want to do myself real harm. I reasoned that real girls didn’t develop overnight so why not mimic the normal female development. I picked out a girl, one of the cook trainees, who was about my age and size and made a point to be in the shower room at least once a week, when she was there. It wasn’t difficult once I determined her schedule. As we were getting ready to shower I would compare her shape to mine and as I showered I would image my body to match hers.

Jynen really liked my changes.

“It’s about time you got some hips and a waist,” she commented after I had been at this process for a few months, “and I especially like your perky boobs. They are much more fun to play with.” She said this as she gently squeezed them and suckled my larger nipples. We would spend time together when ever our schedules allowed and no one seemed to mind, but then this was a place filled with unusual people – imagers and the like.

I was able to deepen my vagina without much pain or difficulty, but I was at a loss about creating the rest of the baby making organs. Changing my vagina seemed to be the best I could reasonably do. That left not having periods and I hoped no one noticed.

I was mistaken.

“Why don’t you have periods and cramps like the rest of us?” Jynen asked one night as we were cuddling after a session of pleasing each other.

“I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with my late development.”

“I think you should ask a Healer that treats women to examine you to make sure you don’t have a physical problem, like a blockage or something that could be really bad.”

“Alright, I’ll ask one of the women healers to look at me down there.”

“My dear, I have some sad news for your,” said Weylt, the chief of healers after my examination.

“It seems the Nameless didn’t give you the ability to have children I’m sorry to have to tell you.”

I kept my face as placid as I could. I didn’t want to show any emotion because I thought that no reaction was better than too much in either direction.

“Should I be worried? Is there a problem that will damage my health?” I asked.

“Not as far as can tell. You seem in perfect health except that you don’t seem to have the organs necessary to have a child.”

“Thank you, I have been waiting for my monthly cycle to start and because it hasn’t, a friend urged me to have someone look to be sure I wasn’t in real trouble.”

“Well, the one trouble you won’t have to worry about is becoming pregnant,” said Healer Weylt. “However I would remind you that sex with multiple partners can lead to other health problems, so just because you cannot get pregnant, doesn’t mean that you cannot get ill.”

When I told Jynen, she said “That’s good to know that I can’t get you pregnant.”

I came into the dining hall at the just after 7th glass, Vendi the 7th of Avryl and noticed a new face at the imager trainee table. I remember the date and meeting this new imager clearly and probably always will. As I approached the empty seat across the table from this, to me, unknown person he said, “I’d like a refill of ham strips and eggs, and you can warm up my tea mug while you are at it.”

I just looked at him, stood there and stared at him. Eventually he stopped shoveling food into his mouth, looked up at me and said, “are you hard of hearing or don’t you understand Bovarian?”

“I’ll see if I can attract the attention of a server and you can tell the server what you want,” I said, trying my best to keep my voice even and only loud enough for him to hear my reply.

I sat in the chair across from him, put my napkin in my lap and caught the eye of one of the serving girls.

She came over to me and asked, “what can I get you for your meal, imager Joli?”

I told her and then said, “this person,” and I indicated the rude fellow across from me, “would also like to ask you to serve him something.”

“Wait, you can’t be an imager, women aren’t imagers,” he said, and I noticed that the other imagers at the table were all staring intently at their plates.

I extended my hand across the table and said, “My name is Joli. I’m an imager trainee.”

Instead of grasping my out-stretched hand, I saw a knife float off the table and fly toward me. I imaged it into nothingness. The unknown imager’s mouth went from a hard line to gulping like a fish out of water.

“Is your name Stupid or Rude? Or is it something else?”

“I’m called Urytl and I just got here yesterday.”

“Welcome to Westisle and I hope you live long enough to outrun your stupidity,” I replied. And you two,” I said to the imagers on either side of him, “could have tried to keep him from swallowing his foot all the way to his knee.”

“You should have seen your face when he gave you his food order,” said Evannt trying to control his laughter.

“And then you asked if his name was stupid or rude,” said Kolyrt, wiping tears from his eyes.

Kolyrt and Evannt were imager trainees who were already at Westisle when I arrived.

“I do hope, Imager Urytl, that you will remember that imaging outside the supervision of a senior imager is not permitted, for our own good,” I said.

“I don’t need a lecture from some little girl,” said Urytl.

“Apparently you do,” said Captain Threkhyl, “I’d like to see you in my office right after you finish here.”

Urytl didn’t say another word the rest of the meal, but glowered at me whenever he looked up from his plate.

A week after this confrontation, I was on my morning run, through a wooded area next to a pond when I felt a strong push that knocked me off the trail and I splashed into the water.

“You ought to watch where you put your feet,” said Urytl as he ran past me, a big smile on his face.

I splashed out of the pond and resumed my run. I needed to think this through. I hadn’t started this contest but I wasn’t going to be a target for a bully either.

Later that day I was in a class on imaging skills conducted by Captain Threkhyl with Kolyrt and Evannt. We were practicing destroying clay pots that were flung into the air from catapults. Captain Threkhyl had explained that this was one of the skills used to counter Antiagon Fire, a material that, once the pot broke apart on contact, would spread fire over a wide area. The goal was to destroy the pot as soon as it came out of the catapult or better yet, return it to a spot just in front of the catapult.

“About where the solders protecting the catapult would be,” said Captain Threkhyl.

The Captain had us rest and drink some water and eat a biscuit. As we were resting he had imager trainee Urytl demonstrate his ability to image holes and knives in targets at increasing distances, as he had done with me just after I arrived at the isle.

Urytl was able to do what he was asked up to about 30 yards, but after that his efforts were weaker and weaker until at 100 yards, he could neither stick a blade in the target or put a hole in it either.

“Joli,” asked Threkheld “would you please show Urytl how to do what I asked him to do at 100 paces?”

I imaged a knife into the wooden target on the right of the center, up to its guard, and then a hole all the way through on the other side of the center.

“That’s the way it’s done,” said Threkheld.

Thwack! Glob of mud hit the side of my head and I stumbled, but also brought up a shield between Urytl and me. Another mud ball hit the shield and then a rock hit my shields. I’d had enough. I imaged a shield all the way around him just outside his reach. I saw two large knives hit the shield from the inside. Then there was a pillar of ice in the middle of my shield and then it turned to steam and Urytl was gone.

I’d killed him! I sunk to my knees and put my hands over my face to hide my tears.

“Joli, stand up,” commanded Captain Threkheld. “I want you to go to your quarters and wait there for someone to come get you. Kolyrt, please escort Imager Joli to her quarters. I don’t want either of you to say a word on the way, and I want Kolyrt to stand guard outside your door until someone comes for you. Do you both understand?”

We both said “Yes Sir” and started toward my quarters with me plodding along, my heart felt as though it was in the bottom of my stomach.

I waited, sitting on my bed, for what seemed like forever. Kolyrt, rapped on my door and said, “Joli, your escort is here, please come with us.”

I followed Kolyrt and Evannt to Major Volytr’s office. Inside were the Major, Captain Threkheld, Under Captian Desyrk and Engineering Major Alynkyr. I entered and sat in chair Major Volytr pointed at.

“Imager trainee Joli this is an inquiry into the incident that occurred earlier today in which imager trainee Urytl died. We have heard testimony from the others who were at the incident. Would you please tell us what happened and what you were trying to do,” Said Major Volytr. “Please start at the point when you were first hit with the mud.”

“I had just completed the task Captain Threkheld had me do when I felt a blow on the side of my head. I reached up and felt something wet and sticky and looked at my hand and saw it was mud. I automatically created a shield between me and Ulryt. About then another ball of mud hit my shield. Then a rock hit my shield and then a knife.”

“I didn’t want this to continue and I didn’t want him to hurt me or anyone else so I created a shield all the way around Ulyrt more than his arm’s length way from him. I saw knives hit the inside of the shield, then a pillar of ice was there and when it turned to steam, nothing was left, not Ulyrt, nothing.”

“Was it your intent to injure Ulyrt?” asked Volytr.

“No, I just wanted to keep him from hurting anyone, that’s why I put the shield all around him.”

“Joli, please go into the conference room and wait there until someone comes for you,” said Volytr.

As I sat in a chair at the big table in the conference room, my mind kept spinning between the fact that I was a killer, that Ulyrt had turned to ice and that I had been responsible for taking a life. Over and over, these thoughts kept rolling through my mind.

Captain Desyrk came into the room and said, “Imager Joli, please come with me. Major Volytr wants to speak with you.”

I walked into Volytr’s office but Desyrk didn’t come in with me. Major Volytr was alone in his office and this time he directed me to one of the chairs around the small table where we usually sat when he was tutoring me.

“I’m sorry this happened to you, but I’m glad that you survived and used a minimum of force.”

I started to say something but he held up a hand for me to wait.

“Your actions indicated that you were not trying to injure Ulyrt. I want you to listen to me and pay close attention: you did not kill Ulyrt. If he had not attempted to injure you with larger and larger weapons, he would still be with us. Were you aware hat he tried to image a rather large mourning star at you? It was his choice to image something so big, it drew all of energy out of himself and turned him into a pillar of ice. You didn’t do that. He did. Do you understand what I am saying?”

“But because of my shield he turned to ice.”

“Yes, that is correct. You put a shield around him, but he didn’t have to try to do imaging inside it. There is a difference. Its like you gave a horse to someone and he went riding and fell off and broke his neck. You didn’t break his neck. He broke his neck because he chose to go riding. See the difference?”

I nodded my head and said, “Yes sir I see the difference its just that I’ve never even hurt anyone, at least not more than a bruise, and today Ulyrt died. I feel as though I helped kill him.”

“You probably don’t know this, but almost all imagers who live long enough to become adults, have a tragedy in their past. Most likely it involves serious injury or death to someone nearby to him or her. You were very fortunate, in that your discovery of your imaging didn’t result in a fire that burned down your house. Such things have happened often enough that people, like your family, understand that having an imager around can be very dangerous. It is also the reason we offer a reward for bringing imagers to us rather killing them or driving them into the wilderness.”

“I want you to have a talk with healer Healer Weylt tomorrow morning. She is expecting you in her office at 9th glass. Between now and then I want you to try and sort your feelings and not worry at all about your studies.”

With that dismissal I headed back to my quarters.

I seemed to be in a daze. I had never killed anything more than animals we ate on the farm and even then I didn’t participate in the slaughter of the bigger animals. In fact, I would hide far enough away that I didn’t have to hear the sounds of the dying animal. Yet I had just been part of killing a person.

At the dining hall the table conversation between the imagers never came close to talking about the incident. I wasn’t sure if the other imagers were ashamed of me, or frightened of me or what. No one would look me in the eye. No one joked or complained about the food. It felt as if I had my invisibility shield on and nobody could see me, yet I hadn’t raised my shield. I finished as quickly as I could and left that somber place.

I walked around the compound until 9th glass at night and went back to my room. I changed into my night clothes and was just sitting on my bed, staring out the window when I heard a tapping on my door and Jynen called, “May I come in Joli?”

I opened the door and closed it after she came in. Jynen turned around and grabbed me in a fierce hug.

“I heard what happened today and I was so frightened for you, then so sorry for you. Can you tell me what happened?”

I told her of the events starting with Threkhyl’s session and ending with my treatment at dinner.

“Oh Joli, they’re just afraid of you. You proved today that you could prevent any of them from attacking you and in the process cause their death if they tried to hurt you. All they knew before today was that you were a small young girl who doesn’t look like someone who could best them. Now they understand that you can and they don’t know how to treat you. Remember, the other imagers are men and men have to understand where they fit: on top, on bottom or somewhere in between. You just showed them that you are more powerful than they are and you are a girl. They can’t fit that into their structure.”

We sat on the edge of the bed and she held me as cried, “I didn’t mean to hurt him, I’ve never meant to hurt anyone, not even those stupid sailors that tried to attack us in LLantiago. Do I look like a monster? Am I a monster?” She held me and rubbed my neck and shoulders until I had cried my self out.

We lay in bed holding each other until I drifted off to sleep.

Urytl was standing in my room looking at me from within a column of clear ice. I heard his muffled voice “Why did you kill me?”.

I sat up straight and looked at an empty room, but there was a coating of frost on my blankets and on the floor. I looked around for Jynen and she wasn’t in the room. She must have left when I went to sleep. I was glad because I didn’t want her to see what I had done.

I did get back to sleep and woke up with the exercise bell, got up, dressed and went to join the early morning group workout.

This wasn’t as bad as last night’s meal because we were all trying to gulp air during our exercises and didn’t do much talking anyway. During the run around the compound, I stayed at the very back of the group and when I ran into a place where I couldn’t be seen, I brought up an invisibility shield all around me and waited until the group of imagers came back around, the joined the group running easily with them.

“She put a shield all the way around him?” “Yes, and a good yard or more away from him.” “And the idiot tried twice to image through it?” “Yep. He tried little knives first and they bounced off her shield, then some kind of big canon ball with spikes, that’s when he turned to ice.” “All I can say is that I wouldn’t have used a shield. I would have split him open with my own imaged axe.” “You know she does scare me. You look at her and all you see is a small girl and then she clamps a shield all the way around a big oaf.” “Yea, but she didn’t start it or attack him, but she sure did finish his problems.” “Like Kolyrt said the first night we saw her ‘the hottest peppers are the smallest’ and this is one you don’t want to try to bite.”

The group was getting back to the exercise field and I swung away to go back to my quarters, went behind some bushes and dropped my shields.

Healer Weylt’s office looked more like a ladies parlor than the sparse and functional offices of Major Volytr or any of the other male officers. There were two flower arrangements, one on a table and anther on a shelf. In addition to a pair of straight-backed chairs in front of her desk, there were two armed chairs with cushions on the seat and backs. The office had a welcoming feel and put me at ease immediately.

As I walked in, she said, “please sit over here in one of these chairs. Would you like some tea?”

“Yes please with a little honey.”

She had a pot on a small candle-like warmer from which she poured a cup for each of us.

“There’s honey in this pot, help yourself.”

After I had fixed my tea and taken a couple of sips she asked, “How are you feeling this morning?”

“I’m still upset that it happened. I really didn’t mean to hurt him. I never knew that what happened, could happen. I mean I thought shields protected you. I didn’t know they could kill.”

“I wouldn’t have thought that a shield could do that either. Major Volytr explained that imaging uses heat and that imagers draw heat from everyting around them. He told me about the last battle in Variana. The imager commander drew so much heat from the Bovarian army and those around the battle field that thousands were frozen where they stood, even in the Rex’s palace everyone in it was frozen and the near-by river iced over for a mille. Until he told me about that battle, I had not known the relation between imaging and heat and ice.”

“I have an offer for you. Would you like to learn about healing? I think you could use your imaging to help heal those who are injured here in the military post and Collegium.”

“Yes, I think I’d like that, better than turning someone into a pillar of ice.”

“I’ll talk with Major Volytr and we will start next week.”

“Thank you, I want to do things to help people, not hurt them.”