I awoke with a true feeling of peace. I could feel Tom’s hand pressed against my stomach and I simply put my own hand over his. The feeling of peace slowly left me as the details of my strange dream came back to me.
If the dream was to be believed...but did I really put any stock into dreams?
I could feel Tom stirring behind me, in more than one way.
“Good morning, Angel.”
“Oh, an angel, am I,” I said with a laugh, “after last night I feel more devil than angel.”
I could feel him shifting a little bit behind me and I pulled a bit away from him, “Oh no, mister. I think I’ve had enough for one day.”
I turned around and he gave me his best puppy-dog expression and I just laughed.
“I’m sore, Tom.”
“Oh,” he said and stopped with all the hip movement he had been working at, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”
“It’s alright, Tom. It was lovely last night.” The strange dream just wouldn’t leave me. There was something there that I was pretty sure I knew exactly what it meant, but I had to be sure. Also, from what I understood, or at least thought I understood, it shouldn’t be possible.
“Tom,” I said and then paused.
“Yes, Cosette?”
“There’s no way I could be pregnant, right?”
He smiled at me, “Of course not. The only way you could be pregnant would be…” and then he stopped and he paled visibly. “You became a woman on Tuesday…how could I have been so stupid.”
“Tom? I haven’t had a period yet…”
“And it looks likely that you won’t have one for at least nine months.”
“Stop kidding me.”
“This is no joke, Cosette.”
“but…”
“Contrary to how we normally track a woman’s cycle, it doesn’t start with menstruation.”
“What are you saying?”
“It begins with ovulation.”
The blood rushed from my own face and I was suddenly cold. I’d spent enough time talking with Sam about all of this that I should have known. My years as a man were showing, however, in that I hadn’t even considered that I might need to worry about this. Sure, in the back of my head the entire time I was wondering if it might be possible, I was hoping it might be possible…
“But, it was just the once,” I said quietly, not wanting to believe the logic of all of this.
“Which is all it really takes.”
The words from my dream came back to me, ‘I will not allow this power to be used to kill.’
“There’s a possibility…” Tom began, but I shook my head, bittersweet tears in my eyes.
“No, there isn’t.”
“Then marry me. Today, this instant.”
“You know I would, but I’m not legally able to.”
“You mean Sam?”
“And the fact that as far as the government is concerned I’m still male.”
He began to laugh and I just looked at him as if he were insane, “you would be the first legal male in the US to give birth,” he said and I grabbed a pillow and began hitting him with it.
“That is not funny, Dr. Lambert. Not funny at all.”
My door opened and Rose rushed in, “Mommy!” she called out and I shrieked and tried to cover Tom and myself with my blanket.
“Rose, I need you to give me a moment…”
She looked at Tom severely, “You’re not supposed to see other people naked unless you’re married.”
I couldn’t help but giggle a little at her austerity...and her accuracy.
“I know, Rose, so your Mommy and I should get dressed and fix that. Go and find your momma Sam.”
As soon as she left Tom went and locked the door and then began to laugh, “why didn’t you lock the door,” he asked.
“I could ask you the same thing,” I said as I started searching for some underwear to put on. After a few moments I turned and looked at Tom. He was lying on the bed and just staring at me.
“What?” I said as I slipped into my bra.
“I was just thinking how beautiful you are.”
I blushed and smiled at him and then slipped into a top and a loose pair of sweats. “Still think so?” I said while modelling my clothing.
“With all my heart and soul,” he said.
Smiling I climbed into bed with him and kissed him soundly.
“Now, get dressed because I’m sure that I’m going to have some explaining to do to Sam when Rose comes to her and tattles about you and I seeing each other naked.”
He laughed heartily and collected his strewn clothing and it was my turn to watch.
“What?”
“Oh, I was just ogling my fiance,” I said with a leer and waggled eyebrows.
He laughed at me and then pulled me out of bed to stand beside him. “Good,” he said and kissed me again.
We unlocked the door and went out. I stopped by Sam’s computer while Tom went into the kitchen. A thought had occurred to me during the talk about ovulation. Sam had the dates when she was most fertile listed on her calendar. She was really trying to get pregnant again and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as I looked over the past few weeks and noticed there was nothing marked there.
I had to look at the clock on the computer to verify which day it was. With everything that had happened, it felt a lot more than just a couple of days had passed, that was all. Thursday evening had been the night of my date as well as the night when everything had just fallen apart. It was now Saturday morning, so I had slept most of the day through on Friday.
And right there in her preferred bold black font on Thursday and Friday were marked Ovulation. Simple and to the point and damning. I whispered a few imprecations under my breath and went to find Tom in the kitchen with Sam and Rose.
“Can I speak to you for a moment, Tom?”
“Going off to make out a bit more,” Sam asked with a gleam in her eye.
“No,” I said blushing, giving the exact opposite impression than I wanted.
She laughed and Tom followed me into the hall.
“There’s a problem,” I began.
“What now,” Tom asked becoming concerned.
“Sam was at her most fertile on Thursday and Friday.”
“What does,” he began and then stopped and just stared at me, “That’s not good.”
“So, they did...ejaculate,” I said getting a dirty taste in my mouth even saying the term.
Tom just nodded at me.
I swore again and Tom just looked stoic. “Well, we’ve got to tell her.”
“Tell who what?” Sam said joining us in the hall.
“Sam...I know you don’t remember this, and you’re likely not going to believe this, but you were raped on Thursday.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Rose took your memories.”
“Ok, now you’re just sounding crazy,” she said getting angry.
“Sam…”
“Not another word from you, Andi.”
“She’s telling you the truth, Sam. We would never have mentioned anything, since you can’t remember it, but...it was on Thursday,” Tom said.
“What do you mean? What does thursday have to do...oh no. No, no, no. Thursday?” Tears began to come to her eyes.
“I stopped them,” I said, “I mean Tom and I stopped them, but…”
Sam was crying openly now, “Not before they were done,” she whispered.
“We don’t know if…”
“Knowing my luck, it is exactly what will happen. Watch me not even have a miscarriage this time.”
“Sam…”
She collapsed onto the floor and I put my arms around her and we cried on each others shoulders.
“We’ll tell everyone that it’s mine,” I say into her ear.
“But it’s not,” she responded between sobs.
“Yes, it is. Any child that you have is mine. You got pregnant before the change, if you’re even pregnant.”
“I hope I’m not.”
“I hope you are,” I said quietly and sobbed.
“Why would you hope for such a vile…”
“Because I’m pregnant,” I said and broke into heart wrenching sobs on the floor, pulling into a fetal position.
She put her arms around me then and held me.
“Why don’t you hate me,” I asked.
“Oh, I’m pissed at you, you little bitch. You went and got pregnant without me. Tom?”
“Of course Tom,” I replied.
“Well, then I guess he’s going to have to deal with two pregnant women isn’t he?”
“We can have side by side birthing rooms,” I said with a little smile.
“Oh, no. You’re my birthing partner. You’re going to be there in the same room as I am whether or not you’re in labor.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed and Sam kissed me gently on the cheek. “I hate you right now, you know that right?”
“Why?”
“Because you got pregnant on your first try,” she said with a little scowl, but she couldn’t keep it up for long and began to smile.
“It’s going to be okay,” I said, still reacting to her scowl
She hugged me to her and whispered in my ear so only I could hear, “Tom is a really great guy. I’m so happy for you.”
I sat down against the wall and Sam cuddled into me. Tom sat on the other side of me and took me into his arms. It was a wonder how I got to this point, and I was truly scared about what the future would hold.
“I’m not sure what to feel,” Sam said after a minute or two.
“Why?”
“Intellectually I know I was raped. I know you’d never lie to me about something like this, but emotionally I feel nothing at all about it. I feel more violated by the loss of my memories than I do by a rape I don’t even remember happening.”
“Talk to your daughter about your memories. I had nothing to do with that.”
“Oh, my daughter is she?” Sam said with a little laugh. “I seem to remember someone else having at least part of the blame in bringing her into this world.”
“Well, I’m not…”
The phone began to ring and Sam went over to her computer and put on the headset so she could accept the incoming skype call.
“Sure, she’s here.”
I walk over to the proffered headset and put it on. “Hello?”
“Sorry for calling you on a saturday, Andi.”
“Who is this?”
“This is Jackie...Jackie Kelly.”
“Oh,” I said, my mind finally clicking to whom I was speaking.
“What can I do for you, Ms. Kelly?”
“Well, I’ve done some more research and talked to a couple of lawyer friends of mine. We just need to get a doctor to attest to the fact you’re physically female and then I we can actually get you legally declared female.”
“Wait...what?”
“Utah is one of the states that requires that you have undergone GRS. You know Gender Reassignment Surgery? Well, this works in our favor. All they require is a doctor stating that you are physically female and we should easily be able to get your gender changed legally.”
“How long?”
“Well, the main problem is getting in front of a judge. I have a friend in the clerk’s office…”
“Is that legal?”
“Perfectly. We let a judge know we just need them to sign the order. We can arrange to meet him at any time of his, or her I guess, convenience and then we get you declared legally female.”
“Wow...how long do you think that will take.”
“Well...that’s most of the reason that I was waiting this long to tell you. I have a judge who will meet with you at his home in an hour.”
“Wait...what?”
“I spent the last couple of days figuring out how to get this to work.”
“Ms. Kelly, could you hold for a bit?”
“Sure,” she said a little confused.
I put the headset on mute and called out, “Rose!”
“Yes, Mommy?”
“Did you play around with dreams so everyone would recognize mommy as a girl?”
“But, you are a girl, mommy,” Rose said confused.
Bless the uncomplicated nature of children. She figured that since I was a woman, then that was all that mattered. I went back to Ms. Kelly on the phone.
“This is all so sudden.”
“Actually, your insurance paid me more than I expected. I quoted a price for them when I submitted my paperwork, mostly because I had no idea what gender therapy should go for, and they paid it. I immediately felt guilty so I decided I had to do more work for my money…”
This almost seemed too good to be true, but then I looked over at Sam, and remembered the events of the past couple of days. There are good things and bad things that happen in everyone’s lives. Maybe what was happening today was just karma. I had put good out into the universe and good was coming back to me from the universe.
Or maybe it was simpler than that. Maybe these sorts of things happen all the time and we only attribute coincidence to them when we shine the spotlight on them?
Whatever the reason I quickly responded, “give me the address. We’ll be there. What do I need as proof? Would bringing my gyno help?”
“You have a gynecologist already?”
“Sorta...it’d more that we met when he did my first exam...it’s embarrassing but I sort of got aroused by him touching me.”
She laughed on the other end of the phone.
“I could tell you were a little keyed up at our meeting, I assume it only got worse?”
“Yes, and now he’s my fiance.”
“You do work quick. Thank goodness Utah has no waiting period on marriage licenses.”
“Apparently we like to get married at the drop of a hat here,” I said with a smile.
“Don’t let anyone else know or we’ll have people coming here instead of vegas.”
“Never happen. You can’t buy liquor after 1am. That and you can only get a marriage license during normal business hours.”
“What are you talking about?” Tom said embracing me from behind.
“Oh, nothing…” I said with a little smile.
“Really? Nothing?” he said and began nuzzling my neck just behind my ear. I let out a soft gasp and felt myself becoming aroused.
“Before you get too involved with your boyfriend, I’ll give you the address. Don’t be late.”
I wrote the address down and went to get ready for the day. There were the usual distractions, like Rose wanting fifteen different things for breakfast, most of which Sam got for her, as well as some unusual, or should I say at least new ones.
“And why can’t we both shower at the same time?”
“Because I want a shower, not just another excuse for sex,” I said with a smile as I shut the bathroom door between us. I then locked it, to make sure I would be undisturbed. It’s not that I wouldn’t have relished the fun and games. It was more that I was still feeling guilty over my actions the night before.
I was brought up in a conservative home. I’m not talking politics, although my parents are that as well. I mean socially. I’ve mentioned that I’m religious. So, premarital sex is a huge no no...and here I was pregnant.
Well, technically it was a lot more complicated than that, but hey, I don’t need to map out all the sins I transgressed last night.
I still wanted more with Tom, but I was willing to wait. In no way am I suggesting anyone in the audience should follow my lead into the paths I choose to tread. Like I said, love the sinner not the sin.
Yes, I’m a sinner too…
Never mind, I’m stepping away from the bible now. No need to stop reading, I promise.
The point I was trying to make is that I had a personal reason that made sense to me for doing what I was doing.
I only had an hour so again washing my hair was out. I washed the rest of myself and checked for hairs. It had been five days since the last time I shaved. I had been sick at the time, but I felt so gross that I’d shaved my entire body at the time. Checking now I was amazed that I hadn’t begun to grow anything back. My face was expected. As a woman I didn’t expect to grow heavy dark facial hair. Maybe a little fine fuzz...but there was absolutely nothing.
The rest of my body was the same, save for a small patch at my crotch. Well, if this kept up then I’d not have to worry about shaving again. Yay.
I dried off and then brushed out my hair and pulled it into a high ponytail. It was only about six inches long dangling behind my head, but it was there. I really needed to take the time in the near future to really wash and condition my hair. The good brushing would have to be enough for now.
I got dressed taking a moment to realize that I hadn’t really taken a moment since this all began to really look at myself. Standing there in front of my bathroom mirror in just my underwear I was struck by how pretty I was. This was something I had longed for, something I had dreamed of, for most of my adult life.
People talk about how they always knew that they were in the wrong body. That wasn’t me. I accepted what people told me about myself. Sure, I didn’t fit with my peers, something my peers were quick to point out, but I accepted that I was supposed to fit. Responsibility, requirements...Duty. Whatever you call it, it’s a heavy burden for a child to carry. Duty really is as light as a feather but as heavy as a mountain.
So, I tried to live up to what I assumed that people expected of me, and added my own expectations on top of that. I tried to emulate my peers, to greater or lesser degrees of success. There is a reason I love RPGs...but I digress.
I was almost thirty before I realized, like a bolt from the blue, that everything I was feeling wasn’t ‘normal’ in the classic sense. In a moment of clarity all the jagged edges of my life suddenly came together into a single image and I realized that I’d been a girl all along.
People try to explain it through behavior and other outward ‘proofs’ in order to make people believe that they are something that the general public believes is...impossible.
There are no simple answers. There are women who like computers and sports. There are women who are fighters. There are women who desire to be firefighters and there are female police officers.
There are male nurses, teachers, and on and on and on.
What you do doesn’t matter. It is who you are that matters.
Now, if you take certain actions, and behave in certain ways, people accept you more as a man or a woman. And it’s more than your role in society. Masculinity and Femininity can exist no matter what you choose to do.
Maybe it’s not that simple? Maybe we are afraid and so seek those roles that we fell will hide us better in society?
I clothed myself and left the bathroom. Tome attacked me as soon as I left.
“You mussed me,” I said as soon as he was done.
“And a damn good thing I did, too,” he said looking at me with a smile. “We need to hurry if we’re going to be there on time.”
With a giggle and taking his hand I rushed from the house. Same didn’t want to come with us, which is probably a good thing because on the best of days Rose can be a handful. I took the time during our drive to fix my hair. This was one of the times I would be happy that I had no makeup, even though I really wanted to try.
Sure, I’d been active in drama as a teen, so I had worn makeup quite a bit. I’m not talking subtle or glamour makeup. I mean stage makeup that is designed to be seen from space, let alone the last row. And old age makeup is even worse, which I’ve worn as well.
I was the last one to die in Arsenic and Old Lace. Yes, I know, still pretending to be a boy remember?
We came to a stop on the curb and walked up to a middle sized house. I’m not sure what I expected but this suburban split-level wasn’t it. We went up and knocked on the door and an older woman answered.
“You must be here to see Michael. Let me show you in.”
“Thank you,” I said.
We were shown in to a study, of sorts, and the woman, who I assume was the judge’s wife, left us.
“Have a seat,” the distinguished gentleman said. “We’re waiting for my daughter.”
“Your daughter?” I parroted.
“Oh, so she didn’t tell you, huh? Yes, I’m Judge Michael Kelly.”
I giggled nervously and sat down.
“I have to say that you’ve not what I was expecting.”
“Expecting a man in a dress?”
“No, I have more reasonably expectations than that. I’ve been handling these cases for years after all. No, I’ve never before met someone in your circumstance that was just so utterly...female.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Most of the people I see have been shaped by their lives. They have tics that just don’t quite fit. No, they are women, you understand that in my line of work. They are just...more on the male side of the spectrum I guess you could say. Sure, one or two of them have overcompensated...but they all have to live with what life made them.”
“Oh,” I said, tears coming to my eyes. I knew the pain they went through, and to have the humiliation of going through an affirmation in a public court room…
“Could it be that maybe they were just...nervous being in a place where their past was made public knowledge?”
The judge got a thoughtful look on his face, “That is a possibility. I think I’ll have to meet with...people in transition in my chambers from now on.”
“Sorry I’m late…”
“Well, let’s get started,” the judge said with a twinkle in his eyes. There was a change in his demeanor as he said this. He was no longer the kindly gentleman we’d initially met. He was instead a representative of the courts.
“So, who are you both,” the judge began after starting a tape recorder.
“I’m William Carson,” I said, producing my ID.
“I’m Dr. Tom Lambert,” he said also producing ID.
“And I’m Ms. Jackie Kelly.”
“I’d like to note that William Carson is the petitioner,” the judge said. “Dr. Lambert, you have evidence to present the court?”
Tom described in clinical detail his examination of me before and after the event. He of course didn’t mention the event, or how long between examinations there were.
“What is your relationship with the petitioner?”
“We are affianced.”
“Was this your relationship when you did the examination?”
“No, I proposed last night.”
“I see,” the judge said. I wanted to ask questions, but I was afraid that I would be out of order or in contempt or something.
“What do you have to say, Ms. Kelly?”
“I have examined the petitioner psychologically and feel her to be a female in her thoughts. She interacts with the world as a female, is working currently as a female, and as Dr. Lambert has stated is physically a female.”
The judge sat there for a few moments and thought before turning back to me.
“Is there anything else you would like to add?”
“Sure, could we change my name on the...petition? Ok, the petition to be Cosette Andrea Carson?”
“That can be arranged,” the judge said with a smile, “seeing no reason to rule otherwise, and pending a copy of your credentials being sent to my office on Monday Dr. Lambert, I will grant your petition Cosette Andrea Carson, female.”
Those simple words ran through me like lightning. I was legally female. I kissed Tom full on the lips and he hugged me to himself.
“That was simple,” Tom said.
“I pulled a few strings and cut a few corners for my daughter,” Mr. Kelly said, his judge persona left behind. “She thought this was a worthy cause. I have to agree.”
“How can we ever thank you?” Tom said.
“Invite me to the wedding?”
We laughed and I replied, “There’s likely to be more shotgun than wedding veil.”
He looked at me strangely for a moment and then said, “You’re pregnant?”
I blushed when I realized what I’d said. I then proceeded to explain everything that had happened. After I finished Mr. Kelly laughed.
“Well, since I’m sure my daughter would never bring a crazy person into my home on a Saturday…”
“That only happened once,” Ms. Kelly began to protest only to be quieted by a quelling look from her father.
“As I said, I will have to believe your story. You’re likely going to have to wait til Monday, regardless, since the papers won’t be filed ‘til then and it would be basically impossible to get married, even in Vegas. Unless you don’t mind getting married as William…”
I shook my head. There was a mue of disgust on my lips.
“That answers that question,” the Mr. Kelly said. “Jackie, are you staying for lunch?”
“No, I have work to do.”
“On a Saturday? You work too much, girl.”
“I know, Daddy,” she said and kissed him. After that the three of us were shown out of the house. We said goodbye to Mrs. Kelly on the way out.
“Thank you for this,” I said on the front porch to Ms. Kelly, “but you could have just told us it was your father.”
“I know...but I really did try to find another judge who would take the case on short notice. My dad refused to talk to his buddies saying there was no conflict and that he might as well make some use of all the schooling he’d received. His words, not mine.”
I shook my head and smiled, “So, you still up for more therapy sessions? I think I need them now more than ever.”
“You’re really pregnant with this lug?”
I nodded and grinned at her.
“I probably need to talk to Sam as well then…”
My smile ran away and left a frown in it’s place, “Yes, you do,” I said as tears threatened to join the frown.
“What’s wrong?”
I looked at Tom and he got the hint. Good man, that. He told Ms. Kelly what had happened over the past couple of days to Sam, and a look of pain crossed Ms. Kelly’s features.
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” she said quietly. After a long pause she said, “There is nothing uneventful about your life. In one week more seems to have happened than happens in a whole month for most people.”
“Hopefully it slows down here soon,” I said in reply. Tom emphatically nodded his assent.
“Strong silent type, eh,” Ms. Kelly said with a smile.
“Not really,” Tom said with a grin, “but when there’s no real point in adding words to a conversation…oh, I guess that is the definition of that, isn’t it?”
Ms. Kelly and I laughed and the dark mood that had been threatening dissipated.
“Ok, let Sam know I’ll see both of you on Wednesday,” Ms. Kelly said after consulting the calendar on her phone.
“Ok, we’ll be there.” I said and hugged her. She was a little surprised for a moment, but then it was ok. Thought my choices I was deciding the person I would be in the future, and I wanted that person to be outgoing, so I would force myself to be outgoing until it became second nature to me.
Or at least that was my theory.
It was barely noon and I had nothing left to do until Monday. I took the time for my family, Tom included. Tome slept in my bed with me both nights, and I mean slept. He did, however, hold me in his arms and I lay there in the comfort of his embrace.
There would be more to do on Monday, and I would welcome the changes that would happen, but those were changes for tomorrow, today, tonight, I was loved.
Comments
Oh, oh wow!
You work fast girl! Yep, Cosette's pregnant(and so maybe Sam!). I think Sam & Cosette should have a little talk with their daughter. Gee, maybe they'll let me baby sit for Rose some night and she can work here magic in my dreams!(Gigles Talia!). Thank you Faeriemage, nice chapter hon. Loving Hugs, Talia
More than difficult
pregnancy can be rough at the best of times, with her husbands change and how she is also pregnant(most likely) She needs all the love she can get.
Great story, good new, bad new but more good than bad
Goddess Bless you
Love Desiree
Cripes!
Cosette's pregnant (no doubt at least partially due to Rose / deity giving her the same menstrual cycle as Sam), Sam may be as well and Cosette's legal stuff's being sorted. So far, so good - but Cosette's pregnancy may raise a few eyebrows.
Meanwhile, Tom's relationship with the family is bound to develop over coming chapters: while (of course) he's primarily Cosette's fiance, he's likely to be a new father figure for Rose and likely to be of significant help towards Sam as well as Cosette in the latter stages of their pregnancies - not to mention being unofficial dad to Sam's baby as well as Cosette's. It may even be that Mrs. Kelly and her dad become family friends over time...
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!