Castle on a Cloud
copyright 2013 Faeriemage
Sometimes dreams come true.

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AUTHOR’S NOTE: ‘Castle on a Cloud’ is a song from the musical Les Miserables. It is sung by the child Cosette while she is under the thumb of a disreputable innkeeper and his wife. She is not their child, but is the illegitimate child of a woman whose life spirals out of control eventually leading to her death.

This is not supposed to be a synopsis of the musical, but just to give you a little background.

In the song, the child Cosette sings about a place where people love her, she is allowed to play, and there is enough food to fill her belly. These are the simple dreams of a child with nothing. Of note, these dreams come true, but not in the way that the child assumes.

I picked the imagery because much like that child had a dream that they knew couldn’t come true, so did our protagonist. She was sure she would never be able to stand in the sun and simply be the woman that her soul told her she was and needed to be.

Much like the child our adult Cosette received help from a direction she never expected.

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As soon as I began to drive away, I began to question my behavior. What was wrong with me? I’d had fantasies like these before my change, but that was all they were, fantasies. They were a way for me to escape, for a moment, the hell that I was living in.

And, truth be told, they were a way to get off. I was human, and unfortunately I had needs that I felt my wife couldn’t meet. I’m ashamed of this part of me, but that is my shame and no reflection on anyone around me.

Tom wasn’t a fantasy. Just thinking about him now I felt stirrings that wouldn’t be pushed down so easily. This wasn’t the same as my fantasies before. I just wanted to be around him. He seemed to make the entire world come alive just by being in it. I felt out of control and I was fine with that.

Truth be told I felt like a teenager again, or as close to one as I could remember. It was like everything boiled down to a single moment in time that could never happen again and Tom was the focal point.

What was wrong with me? Why had all of this happened to me? Why had Tom’s touch affected me so greatly?

I thought back over the day, and realized that it wasn’t just Tom that had caused what had happened. I’d been having the uncomfortable feeling all day long. I’d begun watching the guys at work and I’d felt a glow growing in me as I fantasized, just a little, about what they would be like in bed.

It wasn’t as if I went from zero to sixty just with Tom. My engine had been primed and running all day long as I thought about sex.

When I realized what was going on, I focused on getting myself home, and wondered if I shouldn’t call off my date. I now had a flood of female hormones rushing through my system, but I likely still had a lot of the male hormones as well...and testosterone has been known to increase female sex drive as well as male.

I was a boiling cauldron of hot and ready.

I got in a shower as soon as I got home and turned the water on as cold as I could stand it. I just stood and let the chill seep into my bones. Every so slowly, as my temperature decreased, I could feel my heartrate and breathing return to normal, only at this moment realizing that they had been elevated.

No wonder I had reacted so strongly to Tom. I had been primed and ready for anyone to touch me, and then he had. Sure, it was an accidental touch, but my sex starved body hadn’t cared and it had leapt at the opportunity and kicked everything into overdrive.

The problem remained when I got out of the shower. I was considering taking matters into my own hands when I heard the front door open and little feet come scampering into the house. I wrapped a towel around myself and hurried into my bedroom.

“Nice towel,” Sam said a moment later as she joined me. She was carrying a couple of bags. I looked at the clock and realized I had been standing in the shower for close to three hours. No wonder my legs were a little weak.

“What’s in the bags?”

“Clothing. If not tonight then soon, but that doctor is going to ask you out.”

“How do you know he’s a doctor?”

“White coat and he was in the clinic.”

I felt a little silly for asking the question after she made her matter of fact response. “Brandon drove you shopping?”

“Rose came with us.”

“He seems nice.”

“He was waiting for his sister in the waiting room and we just got to talking. I had to keep telling myself that I wasn’t cheating on you. It was hard. I like him, but it’s so difficult...”

“Moving on from ten years with the same person, especially when you still have a good relationship with them?”

“You don’t seem to have that problem,” she said a little bitterly.

I blushed and looked away, “I think I’m just horny.”

She laughed at me and dropped the bags on the bed, “well, don’t expect me to help you out with that.”

“Would you hate me forever if I invited Tom home with me tonight?”

“Probably not, but is that what you really want?”

“Yes...no...I don’t know. My body says yes, yes, yes but my upbringing tells me that if he’s worth it he’s worth waiting for.”

She wrapped me in a hug and I sat there growing more uncomfortable in my towel. We went through the bags and I was astonished at what was in there. It wasn’t the quantity as there were only a few items but the quality.

“Can we afford this?” I said, not daring to look at the price tags.

“Brandon bought all these. He thought it was a nice gesture.”

I picked up the lacy panties and raised an eyebrow, “You’re new boyfriend helped pick out underwear for me. Doesn’t that seem a little strange to you?”

“When you put it that way, sure, but it was more his sister than him doing the actual picking out.”

I got dressed in the underwear and all of my efforts before with the shower seemed to be for naught. I felt sexy and desirable. The bra was strapless and I wondered for a moment before she pulled out the dress. It was a flowing affair that would leave by shoulders bare. It was sexy without needed to be painted on.

I fell in love with it at first sight and just had to wear it. More that at any time in the past couple of days, when I wore that dress I felt like I was a woman. My lacy underthings told me the same thing. It was...special.

It was as if every stitch of clothing I wore was designed to reinforce who I was underneath it all, and underneath it all I was a woman. Sam worked on my hair as I sat there, working it into a half braid of some sort. I caught a look at myself in the mirror when she was done and all of my careful work in the shower went out the window.

Inside I was still man enough to find my image sexy as hell. It didn’t matter that I know the woman in the mirror was me because that just made it more fun. I knew that I could air my fantasies as reality, and no one would think any less of me for them. Ok, my mom might, but that was a different issue.

I was an adult who could make her own decisions…I took a deep breath and let it all go.

“Sam, I can’t go out tonight.”

“Why not? You’re beautiful.”

“And horny. Really, really horny.”

She laughed at me and I scowled at her, “this isn’t funny.”

“Oh, yes it is. It’s about time the shoe was on the other foot.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your inconsistency. Sometimes you were very very good and I got everything I needed. On the other hand...sometimes I was more worked up after you got done than I was when you started.”

“Sam!”

“It’s true. You really tried, but sometimes you just lost focus.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I loved making love to you. It was always an adventure even when I didn’t get the big O.”

We chuckled a little bit and I hugged her.

“I don’t have any makeup.”

“You look fine without it. Sure, you could look better, but then all of us can.”

“How can I do this? I don’t want to be ‘that girl.’”

“Then don’t. You have self control. Use it.”

I smiled weakly at her and went out to the living room. Brandon and his sister were arguing about something. It was too quiet for me to hear and they stopped when I came into view.

“Are you twins?” I asked.

“Of a sort,” Brandon said.

“Hush,” his sister said and then she turned to me, “I’m Brandy.”

I blinked a couple of time, “are you sure you aren’t twins?” The looked almost exactly alike. I’d never seen Fraternal twins that looked as close as those two did. They looked as similar as I did to my old pictures of me as a boy.

“Like he said, it’s complicated. Look at you, though, you’re...beautiful,” she said in almost awe.

“Thank you.”

Rose ran out into the room. “Daddy!” she said as she leapt into my arms.

“Hello my little Thorn. How was your day?”

“Great. Louis is picking on me again.” Someone needs to explain the concept of great to her.

“What did he do this time?” I said with a smile. I sat there with her on my lap for a few minutes while I waited for Tom to arrive. She played with my dress as she talked.

“Daddy, can I get a dress like this one?”

“When you’re older, honey.”

“Ok.”

The doorbell rang and Sam went to get it while I extricated myself from my daughter. “I’m going on a date tonight,” I told her.

“Is mommy going with you?”

“No, mommy is staying here.”

“Why not? Why aren’t you going on a date with mommy?”

I saw Tom enter the room and I smiled at him and then turned back toward my daughter. “Honey, I’m a woman now. I can still be your Daddy, but I can’t be mommy’s husband.”

“Why not?” She was starting to cry. “I don’t want you to leave. You left Hannah. I don’t want you to leave me.”

“Baby, I’m not leaving.”

“But you’re going on a date.”

I smiled sadly at her. “I’ll be back later.”

“Mommy, can I stay up til daddy gets home?”

Sam looked at me over Rose’s head and I nodded at her.

“Of course, Rose. You can stay up til Daddy gets home.”

Rose got up and ran over to Sam, doing a little happy dance the entire way.

I got up and floated over to Tom. It’s certain I didn’t walk there. He kissed me on the cheek and hugged me when I arrived.

“You have her home by 10,” Sam said from the other side of the room.

“Don’t you trust me?” Tom said looking deeply into my eyes.

“It’s not that,” I said leaning against him, “it’s that Rose should be in bed sometime tonight and I promised.”

“Well, in that case we need to hurry,” he said and let me go. I waved at Sam and the two of us walked out the door.

We walked out to his car and I stood there nervously as he opened the door for me. Once again he took my hand and helped me in. I sat there looking up at him for a moment before I swung my legs in. He lifted the skirt of my dress out of the way of the door and for a moment his hand rested on my thigh. I closed my eyes and just lived in that moment, relishing the feel of his hand.

I buckled myself in and waited for him to have a seat, watching how he moved. He had a well built body, and I could have watched him for hours. We were on our way almost before I even recognized he had gotten in the car.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” he said with a chuckle, “ and I’ll even allow another free question on top of the one you just offered.”

I stuck my tongue out at him for a moment and then continued, “Do you think all of this is just a little too fast? I know I leapt because I’m ho...attracted to you,” I said blushing, “but why are you going for this?”

“Have you considered that I might be...attracted to you as well?” he said with a devilish grin. Even if it were for just a brief moment, his gaze felt like a caress and I wanted him to stop the car and keep driving and take me home all at the same time.

“You are interesting, Cosette. Mostly I get people in to see me who are sick. I know, so were you a few days ago, but even then your illness wasn’t just another runny nose or yeast infection.” I squirmed a bit at this talk about something that womanhood had to offer that I was going to do my damndest to avoid.

“You had to have been in pain, but you never mentioned it. You went through your symptoms without offering a suggestion.”

“Why would I have made a suggestion? You’re the doctor after all.”

“You’d be surprised. Give someone access to webMD for a couple of hours and they assume they know more about their problems than I do with all my years in medical school.”

“Not to be a jerk, but not everything they look up will be wrong.”

“Playing devil’s advocate, huh? Suppose there are fourteen illnesses all with similar symptoms. Three are common and amount to nothing more than a common cold. Ten are uncommon, but still possible in the socioeconomic strata the person lives. The last is not only rare, but almost impossible to ‘contract’ because it is a genetic illness. Which of these do you think the patient assumes they have?”

“The rare one of course,” I said with a smile.

“Of course. Doesn’t mean they’re wrong, but it also doesn’t make them right. And it makes them more argumentative when I tell them it’s just a common cold. Now it’s my turn: Why did you go from disliking me on Tuesday to..well...today?”

“I thought you were kind of rude and distant. And I was uncomfortable. And sick. I get irritable when I’m sick.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said with a smile, “but why the turn around?”

“Since the change I’ve been really keyed up. I mean really. I have never been this...aroused before,” I said quietly realizing that the object of my lust was sitting in the same car with me.

“Well, that’s good to know. I’m not sure I could date a nymphomaniac.”

I stuck my tongue out at him again, only this time he grabbed it with his thumb and forefinger. Smiling I took it into my mouth and began to suck on it a little...until I noticed him shift uncomfortably in his seat.

“Oh, god. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” I said.

“Not to worry,” he said a little hoarsely, “no blood no foul.”

“Argh. I like what I’ve seen so far about you, but with this little wanton riding herd in my head all I can think is ‘ridem cowgirl,’”

“Ridem cowgirl?”

“Um..yeah...cowgirl...it’s a sexual position…”

“I know what it is, but that has to be one of the more ridiculous statements I’ve ever heard.”

Looking into his face I realizing he was trying to defuse the situation with laughter, but I could see a little hurt look in his eyes.

“What am I thinking? I’m so sorry. I should never have thought...here I am saying and doing things that would have had me all ready to go before, if a girl said them to me, and then just divorcing you for the conversation.”

“Stop, Cosette. You are a damn sexy woman, but I want more than just sex with anyone.”

“What are you saying,” I ask, a little worried.

“I want a relationship. With you. This is not going to be something sudden or even something easy. Both of us have too much baggage for that. We need time to get used to each other before we even think about having sex.”

I look at him with a little mue of disbelief and he amends his statement, “Ok, without thinking seriously about it.”

“Fine, but can I tell you that I have never wanted anyone more than I want you right now?”

“I know…”

“No, I’m not just talking this whole physical thing that is going on. I never thought I would have anyone, let alone a guy, say something like that to me.”

“You were married for ten years.”

“Yes, I was. And it was work. There were lots of good times, don’t get me wrong, but staying in a relationship takes a willingness to bend.”

“Good thing I’m flexible,” he said with a little grin. I just started at him open mouthed as I considered a couple of positions…

“Bad boy,” I said finally

“No, not really, but I can be dirty.”

“Maybe I’ll have to help you clean up,” I said with a grin of my own.

“This is going to be harder than I thought.”

I closed my mouth before I returned with the obvious response of, ‘I hope so,’ and just grinned at him. Finally I said, “that’s what she said.”

He burst out laughing and a lot of the tension that had been building in the car flew out the windows.

After that the ride went a lot smoother. We talked about who we were and where we’d come from. You know. Normal first date fare. It might initially have been my libido that drove me into his arms, but the longer I remained there the more I realized I really liked this guy.

“Wait, not only are you a doctor, and take care of people at work, but you’re acting as a nurse for your dying mother?”

“Yes,” he said simply.

“I want to visit her, then.”

“What?”

“Look, Tom. I know it must be hard for you to take time away from her. This has to be killing you. I’m asking. This isn’t you volunteering me to meet your mother. Assume for the moment that we’re outside the parameters of the ‘guy code’ and ‘girl code’ take this for what it is: I want you to do something you enjoy, and I want to do it with you.”

We were stopped at a light for the moment so he could just stare at me, the light changed and someone began to honk behind us. He began to drive again and just silently stared at the road.

“Are you sure? A dress like that deserves to be shared.”

“And so do my lacy underthings, but that’s not happening tonight either.” He turned bright red as he digested what I was saying. “And don’t worry. You and your mother will see it.”

I paused watching him get redder and redder before putting him out of his misery. “I mean you are someone and you have seen my dress havent you?”

He laughed in his embarrassment and I just smiled at him.

I took the opportunity to really think about what was happening as I watched the light playing across his face. I realized what I’d disliked about him on Tuesday. Everything else aside, he had been uncomfortable in my presence on Tuesday, and that discomfort had added to my irritation.

“Tom…” I began and then stopped.

“Yes?” he said after a moment or two.

“Why were you so uncomfortable around me on Tuesday?”

He began to fidget a bit and then reached for the radio to turn it on. I reached out and gently grabbed his hand and settled it in my lap. His breathing eased and he simply gripped my hand in his.

“The moment I first saw you, I knew I was lost.”

“I don’t understand.”

“At heart, I am a bit of a romantic, I guess. I always thought that when I met the person I was meant for I would just know. That instantly I would know them on a level beyond mere knowledge.”

“What does that have to do with me?”

He just looked over at me, all of the hurt and pain he was feeling pouring out of him through his eyes.

“Oh,” I said. It was the only thing I could say. He tried to take his hand back but I wasn’t letting him go. “I must seem so shallow to you.”

“No, but I shouldn’t have expected…”

“Hush. Stop right there. I never said that I think you’re a nice boy, or a good guy, or any of the other ‘friend zone’ phrazes of death.”

“No, but…”

“No buts, except for yours which is really nice looking. I have never felt like this before, Tom. I don’t love you. I’m not saying I can’t but I’m a realist enough to know I don’t currently. And will you stop trying to take this hand away from me? It is mine until I relinquish it.”

“Sorry, he said with a little grin.”

“I like you enough to realize that I am willing to try to love you.”

“If you have to work at it…”

“...it’s called a marriage.”

He laughed at that and I admit I smiled myself. He looked so vulnerable, this strong doctor who was trying to let me into his heart, and all I wanted to do was cuddle into his arms and never leave. I didn’t love him, yet, but I could feel the seeds of it already taking root.

“That must have been hard on me when you realized I was a guy.”

“You can’t begin to imagine.”

“Oh, really? I’m Transgendered, Tom. You don’t think I have any understanding of same sex attraction? Really?”

“But, you’re here with me…”

“Ignore the package for a moment and tell me that my old self isn’t screaming away right now saying, ‘this is so gay?’”

He laughed at that and I brought his hand up to my cheek and rubbed it across my jaw.

“Maybe this is who I saw all along?”

“Hmm,” I asked. He’d gently removed his hand from mine and begun caressing my face on his own.

“This beautiful woman sitting beside me.”

“I have no makeup, and no jewelry…”

“Those are the trappings of beauty and not the beauty itself. I told myself, when you were so disgusted with me, that you must have realized I was attracted to you.”

“I never…”

“I know that now, but at the time I thought I’d let my one true chance slip through my fingers because of my own self hate at the idea of being with a man.”

“I’m so sorry that I…”

“You did nothing. You are perfect.”

“I snore.”

“You what?”

“Loudly, or at least I did. I’ve woken up myself snoring I did it so loudly.”

He began to laugh.

“And I chew on my finger nails...when I’m not letting them grow too long. And I…”

“Flaws like these only make you more precious to me and increase my belief that you are perfect.”

My breath caught in my chest and I bit a lip. He pulled over to the side of the road and turned toward me. I was looking into his blue eyes as he got closer and closer and then he was kissing me. Life exploded behind my eyes as we kissed and I could see everything that was being offered the two of us. A happy future and family and everything that I’d ever wanted.

The kiss ended and I was still dazed from this bright vision.

“We’re here.”

“Hmm?” I said in my most articulate mumble.

“My house.”

“Oh,” I said, blushing as he went around to my door and helped me out.

I rose into his embrace and we walked arm in arm into his home.

“Evening, Mom,” Tom called out as we entered the home.

A very handsome older woman sat on the couch reading a kindle. Of all the things that I imagined about his mother, this wasn’t it.

“Surprised,” Tom asked me.

“A little.”

“Oh, has my son been building up his mother the invalid again,”

“A little, Mrs. Lambert,” I said with a smile.

“Julia, please. My, but aren’t you a lovely young one, emphasis on young,” she said looking pointedly at Tom.

“I’m thirty-eight,” I said in my defense.

Suddenly both of them began to laugh and I just looked confused.

“Sorry,” Julia said with a laugh, “I couldn’t help it. You do seem young, but Tom told me about you this afternoon.”

“Nothing bad, I hope?”

She just smiled, and I went and sat next to her when she beckoned me over.

“So, Tom, get us something to drink while I get to know the beautiful young woman who’s captured your heart.”

We began to talk and I found Julia to be pleasant and witty. She reminded me a lot of Tom, what little I knew of the man so far, and I could see where he got his sense of humor. Tom had just returned when I had the worst feeling come over me like there was something wrong. It passed as soon as it came.

“Is something wrong,” Julia asked.

“I don’t know.”

Again, the feeling crept over me, this feeling of dread, and I felt as if the ground were falling out from under me.

“Cosette,” Tom called out to me, a note of worry in his voice.

“Something is wrong,” I said. A wave of dizziness swept over me.

Daddy!

“Rose?” I said, looking around. I knew I heard her, but there was no way she was here.

“What’s going on, Cosette,” Julia said.

There’s something wrong with Mommy. They’re hurting her!

I didn’t know how, or why, but somehow I did know that this wasn’t a hallucination.

“Tom, we have to go home now. Something is terribly wrong.”

We said goodnight to his mother and he helped me into his car before driving almost recklessly fast.

“Hurry,” I said quietly. He just laid on more speed.