I have totally lost my confidence and have now clue how to get it back.
For little back story I should probably tell about myself... Once upon a time I was very close to fearless. There was no place I would not go and few things I would not do. I had the type of life that if I were to write an autobiography, many would place it in the fiction section of a library. I have done everything from professional wrestling to modeling to partying with famous people along with some other crazy things I'd rather not mention here.
In the last few years life has dealt a few blows that have changed me. Instead of the girl who had so many friends that my phone rang off the hook, I have managed to push everyone away to the point that I might get a call once every few months. Instead of the girl who used to know what she wanted and went for it, I now second guess every move and most of the time don't even bother trying because it is easier than being ultimately disappointed. Instead of being helpful and trusting, I am cynical and lazy. Instead of the girl who used to be the life of the party, I am now afraid to leave the house. I used to jump out of bed every morning ready to embrace whatever life offered, now it takes everything I have just to will myself to get up.
I miss the person I used to be and wish I could figure out a way to make contact with her again. Any ideas on how to find her would be helpful.
Comments
All it takes is a little elbow grease
And the support of a few friends.
Why not try reconnecting with some of those you say you pushed away? I'm sure your bridges aren't all burnt, maybe just closed for repairs.
It's worth a shot, right?
Melanie E.
Yes it is
Worth a shot.
Hugs and thanks!!
Sounds Like Depression To Me
Seriously, I think you should seek some professional help. Depression is a recognised psychiatric condition which can have severe consequences. I don't know which country you are in but there will be an organisation that exists to help people with the condition. In Australia it is Beyond Blue. Others here may know of the similar organisations in say the UK, USA and Canada for instance,
Joanne
It is depression
Very much so. I know it is but can't figure a way out of it.
I live in a small southern town where finding help is not as easy as in larger towns. I have tried a few times but every therapist I have tried to see tells me they do not see TS patients. The ones that do are so far away and charge considerably higher fees. Both are deterrents since I am unemployed without insurance.
Thanks and hugs for you concern!!
Stef
Definatly Depression...
...I recognise "cynical and lazy", "now it takes everything I have just to will myself to get up." I suffer from terrible depression and those statements however painfull to admit described me while I was at my lowest point. I still have mornings where it takes all my energy to get up.
This is going to sound wierd but Depression is like alcoholism, in the fact that the sufferer has to Identify the problem, and then want to deal with that problem, and don't let an overworked doctor give a course of pills with the advice "You'll be alright after you take these" as like alcoholism, depression IS a long term illness to which you are never fully recovered from, as Melanie said the 'support of friends' and family is important.
You have already begun healing as you have Identified and Admitted you have a problem, go and see your GP, If you live in the UK, you have to ask specificaly to see a counselor or psychiatrist, on the NHS. but I would as talking helps especially to someone who has no involvement in your life is important, as the best and well meaning of friends want you to get well, but they want their old funloving friend back so thier advice can be biased.
Seek medical help, ask you GP for a reputable therapist.
I hope my rambling helps!
A line of dialogue from my favourite scifi author helps on my bad days
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer." Frank Herbert - Dune
Pills do not work
I have tried pills in the past and I always end up suicidal after starting them. I wish I knew why they have that effect on me but I hated the feeling.
Sadly I live in the US and on top of that I am in a small southern town without many therapists other than those who use faith based therapy. Plus I have no insurance. I'm hoping I can work my way through it :)
Hugs and thanks!
Stef
Stef darling, You always
Stef darling,
You always seem like such a nice person when we write back and forth. For someone who never was the life of the party or never had a lot of friends it would be hard for me to describe a way to turn it around other than to say face what ever is inside of you that you feel has caused these issues. There are several ways you can go using professional help or not. Gery
Hmm
I don't really get involved much in personal affairs on this board, but as someone who is an expert at pushing people away I thought I could be of some help here.
The simplest thing to do(and yet the hardest), assuming you are suffering from some kind of depression is to not dump it on your friends. I know this is hard, and many people would say that friends are supposed to listen to your problems, but in my experience nothing chases people away faster than someone that is always moping around and feeling sorry for themselves. If you decide to follow some of the other advice people have given and seek a therapist, this is their one(and only) use. They give you someone to dump on who will not be pushed away by it.
Without knowing more about these 'blows' you received, its hard to give you a lot of advice. I do understand the idea that things can happen that warp how you see things, and with it, how you interact with the world around you. My answer to this is, for the time being at least, just pretend to be who you wish you were. It is not easy to pretend, but you will find that the more you pretend, the more you will feel like you once did and hopefully, you'll eventually stop having to pretend at all.
The real truth is, though, that sometimes you just can't reclaim who you once were. I personally will never get over what destroyed my life, and am a shattered remnant of the person I used to be, but I am not you. The key to being who you want to be, as with most things in life, is to just do it. If you want to be trusting and helpful, just start trusting and helping people. No matter how long the path is, if you never stop taking steps eventually you'll get to where you want to go. It's silly and cliché to say that, but sadly the world runs on clichés. You are always welcome to talk to me personally, and I will help as best I can.
Oh I don't
Dump on my friends. One of the reasons I pushed them away was so that they not know what I was going through. When they call I paint a happy face and pretend everything is great.
I think you hit on the root of my problem... I am having a hard time with the fact that I can't be the person I used to be. Maybe now that I have admitted it I can move forward.
Hugs and Thanks,
Stef
One of the best things for depression
is exercise and to do so regularly, ie daily. So take a brisk walk every day or a run or ride a bike. See if you can get someone to go with you.
I don't understand why local therapists can't see you, they may not be into gender problems, but they should be able to help with the esteem issues. It might be worth getting a book on self help methods of confidence/self esteem building or even one dealing with depression. CBT methods can help but you have to be motivated to want to help yourself.
Angharad
Steffie dear.....
Get off your cute derriar, dust off and smooth out your skirt, put a smile on your pretty face and go out and greet the world! Sometimes random acts of kindness help(like the nice thing you did at that yard sale a while back). Maybe volunteer doing something for others, could be a senior center, hospital, soup kitchen, thrift store, anything that will occupies your free time and makes you interact with others. Busy hands don't have time to be depressed, and may even give a sense of accomplishment. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere. Big Hugs, Taarpa
Pm me anytime.
I just saw this blog entry from you, Stef.
I have been in your shoes... well... not literally of course, for my big clodhoppers wouldn't fit in those tiny glass slippers of yours. *giggle* Anyhoo... I have had the same experiences you have regarding feeling lost and not like the person I used to be, though granted, I didn't like that old, tired SOB to begin with so... I did seek therapy, but the ones I went to just wanted to put me on meds and treat the symptoms, not the cause. I tried the meds for a bit, but I hated the way they made me feel, so I dumped them and pulled myself out of my depression by my own bootstraps. I'm not saying meds don't work. What I AM saying is that meds are an artificial way, to me, of treating a problem that might only be solved by recognizing who and what you are and how much you mean to those who care about you.
What I think you need to do hon, is to kick yourself up the bum and, remembering that vivacious person you used to be, search your memory for the reasons WHY you were that person. I know that you've fallen on some hard times, as I think we all do at times. Every silver lining DOES have a cloud, ya know. LOL. You've made some new friends here at Top Shelf, and made a lot of people happy with the stories you've written. Why not try self publishing some of them? That could get your mind off what's making you feel bad and give you something to do instead of sitting around and moping about it.
Why not renew acquaintances with some of the folks from "back then" like some of the wrestlers or managers you used to deal with, or others from the good times? Come on, Stef. anyone who can take the "bumps" that you used to take in the ring and make others look good or believable, is someone to be admired and looked up to. Yeah, I know that those times are far behind you, but I'd bet that a lot of the "boyz" would remember you and want to help if they could. You could try to contact some of the folks you met at SCC via skype or email and renew those acquaintances.
I know that, living where you do, below the Mason Dixon Line, and in a small town, finding a therapist is probably, as you said, nigh on to impossible and travel for you right now is also night on to impossible as well. Well, I ain't no therapist... I only play one on the internet, but I am, as you know, only a skype call away, and if there is ANYTHING I can do, all you gotta do is ring me up. It doesn't matter to me if you wake me at 3 AM because you need someone to talk to or vent to. I'm ALWAYS online, even if it doesn't look like I am. My computer stays on, 24/7 and it's right next to my bed. If you need me, CALL ME! I CARE, damn it!
You're a special lady, my new friend, and you deserve better than you've gotten, that I know, but then, so do a lot of us. Don't concentrate on the bad things. Remember the good things and why they WERE good. Try to get back to them if you can. You 're not alone honey. I'm right here, and so are a lot of others if you'll give us the chance to help.
Hugs and love,
Cathy
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.