I don't know how much more of this I can take and I wish I had some conclusion now.

Maybe it is because people keep warning me about my past being brought up during the scheduled interview on the 3rd or maybe it's because I have legal issues still hanging over me, but I live in a constant state of fear that my life is going to be taken away from me yet again for something I did not do.

It's been 17 months since the cops came to me door with some ridiculous claim and raided my house. They claimed to have found something, a lone image on one of my computers that is illegal. Since I don't look at that kind of crap, I called them out on it and told them that I thought they were bullshitting. But, why would they make up a story? There are plenty of people who had access to my computers who could and maybe even would do something like that, but I would like to think people would respect me enough not to do that on my computer. It all seems kind of icky to look at any pornographic material in someone else's house and on their computer, don't it. They didn't charge me for that, but it lingers over me. Instead, if you remember, they charged me for failing to report an email address for this site. Instead of fight it, I took a plea. Six months probation sucked, but I was looking at 5 years in prison, for an email address that doesn't exist.

Then a month or 2 ago I get a call from the detective telling me that the FBI finished their investigation. I had no idea why they would even be involved. If what the police here said was true, It wouldn't even be a federal crime. The claim, by the way, was that I was selling child pornography out of my house. What bullshit. Then they changed their tune to I was trading child porn with sex offenders over the internet but I found out later (or I assume) the file in question was me talking about the cover to God Bless the Child and the idiots that were living with me and sneaking onto my account added 2 and 2 together and got 15.

But now I found out the idiots, who may or may not have leaked false information to the cops in an attempt to steal my house and rob me blind (the first time the cops came they suggested I sign over power of attorney so they could rent my house out for me - as if), got their property back while trying to (and successful in at least one sense) steal more of my belongings. So they got their stuff back and I'm still waiting in limbo. They didn't even return my phone. My phone that I had a week and it didn't even have app installed and had two pictures on it of a fire truck.

So every morning when I drive home, I expect to be arrested. Do you know how much that sucks. Every time the cops come by (i live in a bad neighborhood) I expect it for me. It is even affecting Felix. The cops came for people next door having a domestic dispute and he thought that day was the day.

That brings me to Felix. He says that he loves me. He says I am beautiful. He says that I am special and this will last for the duration. He has given me no reason to doubt him, but I do. I feel this relationship is doomed. I think I will get arrested, thrown in prison, and that will be the end of the relationship. I mean, we've just been together 7 and a half months. I can't expect him to wait years for me.

The sad part is, the only thing I worry about is that I don't lose my house and car. I figure if i go to prison and come out with those intact I can at least rebuild. Why prison when I didn't do anything? The same reason why I went the last time, things looked bad and I don't want to risk my entire life. Last time I was looking at 650 years in prison and all I kept hearing was a jury saying Katie is a teacher and we found these disgusting images on her computer. If I was on the jury I would have found me guilty without hearing any other evidence. The fact that I wasn't in the state when the crime happened was immaterial. Now they would say, Katie is a sex offender and no matter what you put after it you find me guilty because there is nothing worse than a sex offender and we should all be shot.

So I sit and I wait. 15 months down. I think the statute of limitation is 3 years. So I count down the time, thinking that sooner or later they are going to need to make a quota or figure they can make a case out of nothing. And until then, I wait for it. Part of me wants to leave the state, but I can't afford that. Part of me wishes I would die in my sleep, but that would be cruel to Felix. Part of me wants to cry because I know my life is going really good right now and every other time that happened it all came crashing down around me and I guess I'm about due for that to happen again.

Thanks for the time.