Chapter one:

Being a girl is a state of existence that tells you “no” all day long. It mocks you over and over again, telling you that you’re an idiot. That you’re crazy.

If you like spending hours pouring over personal grooming and presentation, cosmetics and make up are for you.

If you like brutalizing your self image for hours on end until there’s nothing left, then shopping is for you.

That’s because the only thing more fun than trying on clothes that practically howl you’re a piece of meat, is checking out the underwear: Bra’s aren’t just a utility. They’re structural engineering.

And swimwear, are you kidding? Who doesn’t want to parade around in a garment driving wedgies up your butt while guys line up, hoping you’ll bend over to pick up the ball that’s landed right in front of you? It’s suuuuper sexy.

This is all part of my new outlook on life, in case you were wondering: A whole world of womanhood for me to embrace. Because leading up until now, I’d been holding out hope. Praying to whatever gods that would listen to change me back.

Give me back my old life. My old gender. My old “me”.

But it turns out life isn’t that simple. I had a chat with Amy Komori; progenitor of the species girlicus-inyourfaceicus . Turns out that according to her, there’s nothing I can do. Gotta love it or hate it, but I can’t take it back for a refund.

Now I’m pretty sure most people who are greeted with that fantastic little nugget would curl up into a ball and wait for Ragnarok to swing around. But me? Come on, you should know me a little better by now. I’m dumb to quit and too stubborn to die.

But that was then and this is now. I’ve decided not to fight it anymore: I’m not going to wage war with the changes in my life, be they good or bad. What’s the point, right? I’m not going to lose any more time lamenting time lost. It may not even look like it, but this is a second chance.

So fate wants me to be a girl? Fine. I’ll be the best damn girl on the face of the earth.

Oh, you want know what is retarded though? I need glasses. Yeah, I know. I had noticed it becoming harder to read white boards in class, and it turns out that my long distance vision sucks noodles. You’d think if some crazy voodoo hex was going to rebuild my DNA, it could at least have the decency not to do it like M.C Escher playing Jenga.

Though none of that is really important at the moment. Why? Because right now I’m fast asleep. It’s a Saturday morning, and I’m safely tucked in under my white duvet, a guy on a date with some pretty girls in sand man land. But like they say, all good things must come to an end.

You see, that’s not my phone ringing as I rub lotion onto blondie’s back. That’s my phone ringing as it pulls me from my fantasy, dropping me off in cold, sleepy reality.

My hand snaked its way out from the covers, wearily grabbing my phone from the bedside stand before popping it open. I held it to my ear, brain desperately trying to put thought into action. “Fuck…I mean, shit, dammit.”

“Is this a bad time?” Zoe queried, her voice thick with amusement.

I rubbed my head, barely able to pry one eye open as I spoke. “No, no - it's fine. Just anxiety, I guess. FUCK! Hi. Good morning.”

“Get your skinny ass out of bed. I’m going to be around shortly.”

I winced, staring at the alarm clock. “It’s like, six thirty in the morning Zoe. Do you hate me or something?”

“Not yet.” She chided.

“Wait a minute.” The fog of sleep began to lift from my mind. “How did you even get this number?”

“I copied it from Rachael’s phone.”

“And how did you get Rachael’s phone?” I was curious, knowing that Rachael would rather remove two vertebrae and bend over to eat her own butt before giving Zoe her phone.

Zoe let out a tedious sigh. “Look, we can spend all morning arguing about who went through who’s bag when they were sent to the principals office on a trumped-up charge for scrawling graffiti in the girls bathroom, or you can get your ass into gear and start getting ready.”

“Whatever. I’m awake now anyway.” I said, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. “But I want an explanation when you get here.”

“Good. Oh, and pack some clothes too, warm stuff.”

“Do I even need to ask?”

“Wouldn’t be a surprise if you did. See ya soon.” I heard the phone click, then go dead in my ear.

I stood up, taking a moment to steady myself before tossing the phone over my shoulder. I was wearing one of my old t-shirts; the kind I’d worn when I was still a guy. It was about ten sizes too big, which made it a perfect nightshirt for me now, hemline extending down to my calves and all. It had this big red Kanji on the front of it, which was supposed to mean “death” but could reads as “dry clean only” for all I know.

Sunlight was already starting to pour through the bedroom window, as the sun made its daily trek over the horizon. What the hell did Zoe want anyway? I couldn’t get a read on that girl. Every time I thought I had her figured out, she’d switch gears and suddenly I was back to where I’d started. I’m starting to understand why Rachael gets so irritated whenever she’s around.

“We need to talk.” Came a familiar voice from behind me.

I turned about, greeted by the familiar sight of Sickness sitting on the edge of my bed. Unlike myself, she was already dressed, wearing a black baby doll shirt and red skirt that had all these straps and chains hanging off of it, something Rachael had insisted I purchase when we went shopping together. She was even wearing a pair of glasses now, the same pair I’d picked up from the optometrists yesterday.

“We don’t have anything to talk about. You’re a figment of my imagination, remember?” I said, tapping my head to exemplify the point.

“You’re making a mistake.” She said, eyeing me cautiously. “Everything you’re doing. Everything you think is the right thing. It’s not.”

“Fuck you.” I spat, grabbing a handful of clothing from the wardrobe and stuffing it into a duffel bag. “Ever since this started, I’ve been putting up with you and your crap. You don’t want to help me; you want me to kill myself.”

Sickness shook her head. “You’re wrong. This is a mistake. You have to believe me.”

I stopped what I was doing, pausing to study her. Something was wrong, but it wasn’t what she was talking about. Whenever Sickness made her presence felt, she was always so wicked, like she was trying to manipulate me. But now she wasn’t telling me to do anything.

She was asking me.

“Something’s changed, hasn’t it?” I said, still eyeing her. “You’re not telling me to do anything. You’re trying to make me agree with you.”

Sickness looked away. “It’s not what you think.”

“Elucidate me.”

She hesitated for a moment. “Look, I am a part of you, but I’m not. I’m not just a figment of your imagination, except I am. I know how this sounds, but I really do want to help you.”

She must be telling the truth. There’s no way I would ever try to be this confusing.

I folded my arms. “You’re saying what you’ve been doing to me is helping?”

“Think about it: If I was there to cheer you on, do you really think you’d have made it this far?” She stood up, taking a step toward me. “Everything you’ve done, you did out of spite, just to beat me.”

“You’re lying.” My voice wavered, sounding unsure to my own ears.

“No, I did it to guide you, help make you stronger so that the burden wouldn’t be too much to bear.”

“Shut up!” Just like at the warehouse, I snapped, lashing out at Sickness. Instead of striking a physical object, her image exploded before my eyes, fragments fading away as they drifted slowly to the floor. I watched as the last pieces began to disappear, her voice growing distant in my ears.

“This may be our final meeting, so let me say one last thing.”

I took a step back, panicked breaths filling my lungs as I watched her vanish completely.

“Don’t…close your heart. You’ll live…to regret it….”

I don’t know long I stood motionless, staring at the floor with nothing but the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. What the hell was happening to me…am I really this crazy? I’ve never seen anything like that before, not even in my most bizarre and disturbing dreams.

Outside I heard a car pull into the driveway, realizing it would be Zoe. I shook my head, trying to push the last image of Sickness out of my head. There’s no way Nick would be up at this hour, which meant I’d have to let Zoe in myself. Swearing under my breath, I dropped the bag I was packing and made my way to the front of the house.

Zoe greeted me as I opened the door, dressed in a camouflage print shirt and black cargo pants. She looked at me quizzically, confused as to why I would look so anxious, let alone dressed in nothing but a boys oversized t-shirt. She smirked, folding her arms and tracing her tongue around her lips. “At least now I know why you were so upset on the phone. So, who’s the lucky guy?”

I narrowed my eyes before letting her into the house. “Yeah, right. This is just a...keepsake.”

“If you say so.” She said, swiftly changing the subject as she looked about. “Nice place you’ve got here.”

“Thanks, I guess.” I walked back to my bedroom. “Just give me a sec to get changed, okay?”

I left the door slightly ajar as I pulled off my shirt, letting it fall to the floor as I dug through my wardrobe for something to wear. I’d been trying to avoid looking at myself ever since this started, which actually translated into the handy ability to put my clothes on in the dark. Even now I was making a deliberate effort not to look down as I pulled out a orange hoodie with red print, instead focusing on the task at hand.

An odd thought struck me as I tossed a pair of dark jeans onto the bed. Hadn’t I made a resolution with myself to get used to this? Mentally I slapped myself upside the head, finding old habits somewhat hard to break. I stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath before opening my eyes and looking down at myself. I tried to just…take it all in. You know, not just look at something, but actually see it for what it is.

I guess the main thing that really struck me was how, well…I dunno. Feminine isn’t really the word for how I felt. But there’s a definite contrast, realizing that suddenly I wasn’t just a girl. I was everything that went with it. Every pin-up I’d gawked at, every girl I’d pined for, every porn magazine I’d hid under the bed…that was me now. It was a weird feeling. Imagine being the very thing you’ve desired for every moment of your life. You’re not the lustee any more. You’re the one who’s lusted for.

Suddenly every time I’d ever objectified a woman flashed through my mind, except I was wondering how it felt to be on the other side. I could see myself as a stripper, playmate and bikini model, along with a sea of faceless men leering at me, judging me by nothing but my body and how much it aroused them.

I placed an arm against the wall, steadying myself as I tried to rationalize the images spread out in my mind. Holy crap. If I didn’t feel vulnerable before, I certainly did now.

I quickly pulled on my clothes, slipping on my Chucks before grabbing the duffel bag before finding Zoe in the living room. She’d found the Xbox become subsequently engrossed by the virtual slaughter it offered. I tossed the bag at her, forcing her to drop the controller as she caught it.

“Nice. Where’d you get this?”

I picked up a notepad from the kitchen counter, scrawling a quick note for Nick to find when he woke up. “I rescued a bag of kittens being thrown in a river. It kept me from buying a new bag, so I threw the kittens in the river.”

“Funny.” She mused as she stood up from the couch. “You ready to go?”

I shook my head. “Not so fast. You haven’t even told me where we’re going, remember?”

“Simple. We’re heading up to the mountains for the weekend. My folks have a business deal to close off, and decided to make a family event out of it. So to keep me from going insane, you and Rachael get to keep me company. It’s all expenses paid, and aside from a little patricide, we should have free roam of the place.”

I held up a hand to object. “Whoa, hold on a sec. Your sister is trying to murder me, remember?”

“Chill, she’s getting there her own way, same as me. You won’t even see her for the whole trip.”

I pondered for a moment if I should stop, maybe at least wait for Nick to get up so I could tell him where I was going. But then again, why should I? Nick and I had barely spoken to one another since he ditched me at the mall a few days ago. Maybe a little breathing room was just the thing to give us time to patch things up. After all, I’m not the easiest person to live with given all that’s happened, and he’s been turning into more of a jerk to compensate.

Zoe had a silver SUV parked in front of the house, snowboard already strapped to the racks spaning its roof. It looked maybe a couple of years old, one of those jeeps that let you pull the roof down and turn into a convertible.

“Nice ride.” I said, tossing my bag into the back.

“It’s okay I guess.” Oddly, she didn’t seem to take to well to the praise.

I climbed into the passenger seat, pulling the seat forward a little. “So is Rachael waiting for us?”

“Not yet.” She turned the key, starting the engine. “I haven’t told her. Figured you might be the bearer of bad news.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

We pulled out onto the street, before Zoe turned and flashed me a quick smile. “Do you need to ask?”

------------------------------------

Rachael stood at her door, wearing a dishevelled baby doll shirt and pyjama pants. Her hair was tousled and knotted, hand rubbing her neck occasionally to work out a cramp. Behind her I could see various works of pottery scattered about in various stages of completion. Oh yeah, and her face picture of pure, blistering rage.

“You woke me up, for this?” She said, fighting to keep her voice as even as possible.

She’s going to kill me. “Yes.”

“You want me to go cavorting across the state, just so Zoe doesn’t get lonely on her family trip?”

No seriously, I’m completely dead. “Yep.”

Rachael seemed to ponder that for a moment. “Okay, sure.”

Suffice to say I was a little taken aback by her sudden change in attitude. “Um, okay. I didn’t think you’d go for it. Y’know, you look kinda pissed off.”

“Oh, I wasn’t. But then I realized Zoe’s whole family is going to be there.” She said, not taking her eyes off Zoe as she spoke.

Zoe gave her a flippant look. “Your point being?”

“That’s simple.” She said coolly. “Because this was your idea, I’m going to kill you. Then I’m going to kill your family, and your family’s family, raze the entire mountain to the ground, and scour its ashes from the earth.”

The door slammed shut before either of us had a chance to respond. I turned to Zoe, who simply smiled and shrugged her shoulders, walking back to the Jeep. The sun was just starting to creep into the sky now, and everywhere I walked left a soft footprint in the dewy grass.

We both sat in the car, waiting for Rachael to calm down and put her gear together. She emerged some time later, dressed in a tan jacket, black shirt and faded loose pants. She was also carrying a backpack over one shoulder, and a snowboard bag over the other.

I quirked an eyebrow, watching as she loaded the bag onto the racks above me. “You’ve got your own board?”

“Duh, I work in a board shop. Why wouldn’t I have a board?” She shot back.

Zoe twisted around, looking over at Rachael. “Did you tell your parents you were leaving?”

“Nope. Hold on a sec.” Rachael turned back the house. She took a deep breath before shouting “Mom! I’m going out for the weekend!”

A distant voice responded. “That’s nice dear.”

Satisfied, she opened the rear door and hopped into the car. “Okay, let’s go.”

As we pulled out of the driveway, Zoe cast a quick glance at me. “Faye, do you know how to drive?”

“Yeah, I’m not too bad.” Kind of an understatement, since Kane does have his licence. It’s just too bad Faye doesn’t.

“Good. You can take the second shift.”

And just like that, we were on our way. I wouldn’t really know what to expect from a road trip with a couple of girls, especially girls like Zoe or Rachael. Whenever guys hang out with girls, even if it’s just as friends, there’s always this undercurrent of sexual tension. It’s impossible for a guy to be in the presence of an attractive girl and not be wondering if he might get laid. Even if the chance of getting laid is less than zero, it’ll always be there, hardwired to remind him at every opportunity.

I have to say that the thought just doesn’t occur to me anymore. I kind of miss it, to be honest. Like I’ve lost an old friend who could make any conversation deeper than it might be, spicing it up with nonexistent innuendo. I hadn’t really thought about it until now, but I guess chicks don’t do anything for me. Hell, I don’t even know how to get aroused as a girl. Sounds simple, I know. Like I should just be able to find some porn and stare at it until one gender does the trick.

The thing is, I don’t even know if I want to find out. I mean, what if I do like guys now? Just the thought of it is enough to make me wretch. I used to watch guys hitting on girls in clubs and wonder how on earth they could ever fall for it. Can’t they see these guys are functionally retarded?

Of course, now I don’t have to worry about that: Now I get to be the one who is hit on. I get to be the prize that all the boys fight over. Well fuck that. I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to be just another girl, or a notch on some guy’s belt. I’m going to make the most of this if it kills me.

It was growing dark by the time we pulled into Hillden; a small town at the base of Mt Forbes. We stopped at a gas station where Rachael dutifully filled up the car while Zoe went about renting a set of tyre chains. The temperature was already growing cold enough that I could see my breath hanging on the air, so I took the opportunity to root around my bag for a jacket to put on.

Having driven all day, Zoe looked tired as she walked out of the service room. She smiled wearily, rubbing her eyes. “You’re up, little kitty.”

As I climbed into the drivers seat, Rachael stormed out to the car, cursing vehemently as she did so. “Can you believe that fucker? He tried to overcharge me for the gas.”

“Chill, it’s not worth fighting over.” I muttered. Just then another car pulled into the gas station beside us, it’s occupants spiling out as soon as it came to a halt. There were four guys around our age, who set about filling up the car innocently enough. But as soon as they took one look at us, you knew there was blood in the water. Two of them casually strode over to us, while the others hung back and watched.

“Checking out the mountain I see.” One said, glancing at the snowboards mounted to the roof as he struck up a conversation with Rachael. “Just heard the show report, sounds like it’s coming down as we speak.”

I gritted my teeth, wondering just how long it was going to take Zoe to finish attaching the tyre chains. The other came around to my window, leaning in as he spoke. “Nice ride.”

“It’s not mine.” This whole conversation is proof of a higher power and their burning hatred of me.

“It’s pretty cool anyway.” He shrugged. “Is that your board up top?”

I rolled my eyes, projecting nothing but pure, untainted disinterest. “Look, we’re kinda in a hurry here.”

He smiled a bit, struggling to find an angle of attack that might breach my defences. “Hey, just figured I might say hello since we’ll probably run into each other on the mountain.“

I slammed my hand down on the horn, trying to hasten Zoe’s progress. I couldn’t see anything from where I sat, save for the middle finger she extended over the hood.

“What’s your problem?” He frowned indignantly. “I’m just trying to be friendly.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You want to be friends, great. But I can’t miss you if you don’t go away.”

“Whatever.” Sensing this was a lost cause, he turned about and walked back to the car. His partner reluctantly joined him a few minutes later, just as Zoe climbed into the passenger seat. “What was that all about?”

I waited until they were out of earshot before responding, “Nothing, just a couple of losers trying to get lucky.”

“I dunno.” Rachael mused. “One of them was kinda cute.”

I turned the key in the ignition, hearing the jeeps engine roar to life. “I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.”

“You’re telling me you’ve never had a cute guy try to come up and talk to you?” Her voice filled with disbelief.

I put the car into gear, pulling out of the station more aggressively than I’d intended. “Nope. And I don’t plan on it either.”

Zoe gave me a strange look, like for some reason she understood what I was saying. But Rachael interjected, her head poking into the front area of the car. “You’re kidding right?”

“Can’t we just drop this?” I pleaded.

“No way!” She grinned ear to ear. “I’m going to get a lot of mileage out of this one.”

I turned back to Zoe, hoping she might diffuse the situation, but instead she had her eyes closed and iPod volume cranked up to eleven. I turned my eyes back to the road as thick flakes of snow began to fall from the sky. They danced as they were caught in the cars slipstream, lit solely by the illumination pouring from the headlights.

I didn’t have any trouble staying awake as I driving, which was mainly for two reasons: The first was I’d never driven a car on icy surfaces before, so I was completely on edge as we progressed up the mountain access road. The second was that Rachael had taken it upon herself to make sure I was paying attention the whole time, largely by talking incessantly about anything that came to mind. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the help. But by the time we actually made it to the summit, the sound of her voice was the last thread on a very thin rope.

At last I pulled into a parking spot outside of our hotel, feeling myself relax for the first time as I shut off the engine. I took a moment to crane my neck over, catching a glimpse of the night runs in full swing. They were illuminated beneath halogen lights, awash with skiers and boarders of all types trying to cram in one last run of the day. Just the sight of it made me tingle.

------------------------------------

Dragging our bags through the snow and ice, we stumbled into the hotel where Zoe and her family were staying. It turns out Zoe’s parents were on the resort board here, and they’d worked out some kind of deal that gave them free accommodation whenever they visited. So everyone had separate rooms, one each for Zoe, Stacey and the parents. Not that I really cared one bit at this stage: I was freezing my ass off, waiting impatiently as Rachael fought with the roof rack to release her board before we could step into the deliciously warm lobby air.

As we staggered into our room, I was struck by the sheer opulence of our lodgings. This wasn’t a vanilla-flavoured Best Western or Motel Six. This was the kind of decadence you normally reserve for several hundred dollars a night. Our room was lit up by soft, recessed lights that lined the ceiling, illuminating the three separate futons that were perfectly laid out with red sheets and white duvet. We had a plasma television, with two separate parchments with printed kanji on either side. A single window made up eastern wall, giving an excellent view of the mountainside while still being shielded by timber blinds.

Laying her bags beside a futon, Rachael took a moment to articulate what I was thinking. “Fuck yes!”

Again, Zoe seemed oddly effusive of any praise she was given. “Keep your voice down. My parents are probably asleep next door.”

“How’d they get here before us? We left at the crack of freaking dawn.”

“Huh? Oh, there’s an airfield at the base of the mountain. They caught a flight in.” She said nonchalantly while unpacking her bag.

Rachael tensed up for a moment. Then, possibly in an explosion of pure joy, she lost her freaking mind. “Oh…my…god! I knew I recognised your name. Your parents own Keebler cars, don’t they?”

Zoe continued to unpack with the kind of methodical intensity that indicated it was the only thing keeping her from choking Rachael to death. “Yep…”

“I knew it! You pretend to be hardcore, but you’re a total Barbie!” She turned to me, curious about why I hadn’t joined the festivities. “That explains her new car and everything!”

I cast a cautious glance at Zoe. “Yeah, well it’s not such a big deal.”

“Are you kidding me?” This was Rachael’s big moment. After being in Zoe’s shadow, Rachael had found her kryptonite.

“Like I said Rach, you should chill...” I said, glancing deliberately at Zoe from the corner of my eye.

“Huh?”

Rachael looked at Zoe, who was now holding a shirt so tightly her hand was trembling. Rachael turned back to me and smiled. “Oh, sorry. Took a moment…must be the long car trip. You’re telling me to shut up?”

I gave her a deadpan look. “Right.”

“Forget it.” Zoe said reluctantly, already sauntering off to the bathroom to get changed.

I let out a long yawn, reaching out and turning the gas valve beside the fireplace. A moment later the miracle of spontaneous combustion took place, filling the room with a welcome rush of heat. Rachael turned off the lights, and suddenly the room was awash in a sea of dancing red and amber hues. I lay on my futon, waiting for Zoe to free up the bathroom so I could get changed. I glanced at Rachael, smiling lightly as she pulled off her sneakers.

“We’d getter get some sleep. Don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get out there.”

She looked out of the window, checking out the roads below as snowmobiles and heavy machinery rumbled by, preparing to groom the slopes for tomorrow.

Zoe walked out of the bathroom, wearing a loose Ramones t-shirt and panties. Without a word, she flopped onto her bed, pulling the covers over herself. Rachael stood up, taking her turn to get changed. Zoe closed her eyes and muttered “Last one out, hit the lights.”

I glanced out the window, watching snow drift down slowly as I let my thoughts wander back to what Sickness had warned me about this morning. Since then I hadn’t heard a whisper from her, nor been able to feel her presence at the edge of my thoughts. Was she really gone? If that were really true, it only stiffened my resolve. I had no idea what she meant by her passing words, the last statement as she seemed to fade out of existence. But one thing I could be sure of was that without her, maybe I could finally find my place in the world.

I smiled and let out a small sigh, feeling the tension of the day begin to fade away. Who cared about that, right? Regardless of what has happened, I had tomorrow to look forward to. And I was going to make sure it was one hell of a party.

Chapter two:

Sunlight shone through the windows by the time I’d managed to wake up, warm and gentle enough to feel like it was caressing your skin. I briefly contemplated going back to sleep before I remembered where I was. Give me a break, kay? My brain was still trying to remember how to breathe, let alone how to prioritize my day.

I glanced over at Zoe’s bed, surprised to see it was already empty. Rubbing my eyes, I noticed that not only were her clothes scattered about the floor, but her snowboard was missing from where she’d left it last night.

A quick glance at my watch confirmed it was already ten thirty. Clambering out of bed, I stumbled to the window only to see the mountain below in full swing. Boarders and skiers were already lining the roads, making their way to the different runs and trails.

“Crap.” I muttered, quickly making my way to where Rachael slept. “Get up!”

She muttered and rolled over, clearly disinclined to acquiesce to my request. Now there’s a lot of ways you can try to wake someone up. But one of the most sure-fire (not to mention horrible) is to do what I summarily attempted: Hold their nose with one hand, and cover their mouth with the other. Not only will this guarantee the subject will be awake and alert within the next five seconds, but the following surge of adrenaline will ensure they are prepared to face any challenge of the day, like smacking the living crap out of you.

After struggling for a moment, she suddenly sat bolt upright, knocking my hands out of the way as she sucked down sweet oxygen. When the realization of what transpired dawned on her, she gave me a dirty look and bared her teeth.

“I’m going to kill you if you ever do that again.”

“Death is the high price of living.” I turned about, grabbing my bag as I made my way to the bathroom. “C’mon sunshine! We’re running late.”

The two of us tried to get ready as quickly as possible, which was only complicated by the fact that I didn’t have any of my own gear. Even after we were dressed, we had to take the elevator down to the hotel lobby and head to the rentals and hire store. Since I didn’t have my own boots or board, we had to rent them out. The board I was given looked pretty beat up, nothing like the sweet ride Rachael had by her side. Hers was this purple and black board, covered in neon pink decals. The surface was smooth and glistening; a stark contrast to my ugly-assed orange and red deck, smeared with scuffs and scratches.

Once I was geared up, we stepped out of the hotel and found ourselves greeted with a welcome blast of frigid air. Carrying boards under our arms, we made our way to the summit chair lift, ready to get a little time in on the green slopes before we hit any more serious terrain.

And that’s where my problems first started.

See, the problem with chair lifts is that you have to share. Normally this isn’t such a big deal, since you’d just get a couple of random strangers to chat with as you made your ascent. But fate is not without a sense of irony. We didn’t get any strangers as our chairlift buddies. Nope, instead we were given those two douches from the gas station.

Don’t ask me how, but they managed to weasel their way into the line so that we were sitting beside one another: Rachael and myself in the middle and one of them to either side. The whole way up my new adversary smiled at me; like he figured that shitty grin of his would somehow wear me down.

Eventually he offered me a gloved hand, giving me his most sincere look. “Maybe we got off on the wrong foot yesterday. My name is Chad.”

“Faye.” I muttered, still conjuring as much disinterest as I could.

“Strong silent type, huh?”

“Can’t you take a hint?” I shot back.

“Sure I can.” He said, shrugging his shoulders. “But your friend seems to be getting along with Mike pretty well, so I figured I’d keep you from getting bored.”

I’d been so distracted with Chad’s advances that I hadn’t been paying any attention to Rachael. I cast a quick glance in her direction, only to see she was deeply engrossed in a conversation about fuck-knows-what with Mike. Dammit, I had this figured all wrong: Chad wasn’t trying to put the moves on me at all. He was Mike’s wingman.

I cursed under my breath and turned back to Chad, frustrated that I hadn’t caught on sooner. “Yeah, there’s no accounting for taste.”

Rachael planted a quick kiss on Mike’s cheek before we reached the summit and had to dismount. I placed a foot on my board and lazily slid away from the lifts, coming to a stop against a small snow mound where I could strap in my boots.

.

Chad pulled up alongside me, short brown hair grazing against his goggles. He glanced at me as I stood up before surveying the hill below us. It was a beginners slope, something I’d picked since I wanted to take a few easy runs to find my rhythm again, not that it shouldn’t take too long. One of the reasons skiers and snowboarders can’t get along is the difficulty of their art.

Why? Because skiing is easy to learn and difficult to master. You have two planks under your feet instead of one, and poles for stability. That makes it a lot easier to keep your balance when you’re learning the fundamentals. Snowboarding on the other hand is totally the opposite. Both feet are strapped into a solid board. You have no way to maintain your balance other than shifting your legs and weight, so learning is a painful process. That’s because the second you lose your balance, you’re going to eat snow. Depending on how fast you’re going, you’re probably going to eat it big time. You’ll fall on your back, your front, your knees, your chest, your face, and your pride.

Lucky for me I didn’t like falling. I loved it.

The trade-off is if you can make it past that hurdle, the rest is cake. Once you’ve mastered the fundamentals of not falling on your ass, you can take on almost any terrain. I came here a few years ago with my uncle when I first decided to learn snowboarding, starting on an easy slope just like this. In five days, I was carving up black diamond runs.

“So, how about a race?”

I looked at him disparagingly “Gimme a break.”

“Come on, it’ll make things interesting.”

Good god. This guy really can’t take a hint. “Okay, what’s the wager?”

He paused for a moment, considering his options. “If you win, Mike and I will clear off. You won’t see either of us again for the rest of the trip.”

“And if I lose?”

His smile went from dumb to ultra-dumb. “If I win, you and I go out on a date.”

I quirked an eyebrow. “How about I pound you senseless for even suggesting it?”

“I love the kind of girl who can kick my ass.”

Under ordinary circumstances, I’d tell him to shove it. But I was beginning to get the impression he was too ignorant to quit and too stubborn to give up. “Fine, let’s do it.”

A quick hop off the snow set my board into motion. I lowered my stance, picking up speed as we accelerated down the slope. Since this hill was mainly for beginners and first timers, most of the people around us were barely moving at all. That meant that they weren’t so much other riders as they were moving obstructions. My eyes darted back and forth as the arctic wind whipped through my hair, searching for the best lines to take through the crowds.

I pulled my board around; throwing up a curtain of ice as I narrowly avoided one boarder, digging the edge into the snow to correct my balance. For a moment my equilibrium was thrown out of whack, just in time to hear a second board approaching from behind me. I didn’t need to see who it was, already having a good idea who the rider might be.

Snow beneath my board roared in protest as I shot between two skiers. From the corner of my eye, I could see that Chad was now riding along side me. He smiled impishly, before letting out a yelp of surprise as a group of oblivious boarders came into view. He swerved to avoid them as they listened intently, in rapt attention of their instructor.

With the finish line in sight, I tried to eke every last drop of speed out of the board that I could. However, there was one thing I’d failed to take into account. Being a beginners slope, this was always the most used and abused surface on the mountain. Not only from general traffic, but the potholes and craters people left from countless crashes and bails throughout the day. Given that Rach and I hadn’t made an early start, the snow was already riddled with potholes and paths carved into its surface.

As I began to turn, the front edge of my board hit a small mound of snow that ad been built up by other riders taking a popular line. The board dug in, causing it to pivot instead of slide. This sent my momentum hurtling forward into a devastating faceplant. Of course, my face wasn’t the only thing I landed on. That’s because I had the wind torn from my lungs and my boobs hurt like hell. Seriously, if I was still a guy, this would be as catastrophic as being kicked in the balls.

Just because I’d fallen over, it didn’t mean I’d given up. Whimpering lightly, I held my chest as I stood up and finished the course. I did make it to the bottom of the hill, though not before Chad had made his arrival thirty seconds earlier. I reluctantly brushed away flakes of snow that clung to the garments I wore, which were already causing me to feel a chill. That was largely because I hadn’t worn anything waterproof, causing the moisture to seep into my clothes.

“That’s totally not fair. I was planning on bailing at the finish line.” Chad said enthusiastically, trying to cheer me up. “I feel so upstaged.”

I was still in too much pain to talk, so I had to settle for flipping him a bird.

“Are you okay? You’ll freeze if you stand out here like this.” He helped me out of the bindings, carrying a board under each arm as we made our way to the main resort complex. Inside was packed as we made our way through the corridors, eventually finding a café hat looked out over the mountain. Chad invited me to take a seat, which I begrudgingly accepted.

He sat down opposite me, smiling just a bit as I finally regained my composure. “Remember our bet? You win, I leave you alone, you lose and we go out on a date? I guess this is a pretty lousy place for a date.”

I eyed him suspiciously. “What’s your deal?”

“My deal?”

“Yeah.” I said, still giving him a dubious look. “I’ve done everything but tell you to fuck off, and you’re still not getting it.”

He smiled, trying to look confident “I figure it’s just a front you’re putting up.”

“Aren’t you the know-it-all?” I replied flatly.

He reclined in his chair, looking smug. “Yeah, but tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong.” Without another word, I stood up and walked away. I closed my eyes for a moment, scrunching up my face as I reminded myself that I had set out a goal to achieve. I can’t allow myself to be distracted by any kind of emotional entanglement, especially with a guy. God, what was I thinking? I mean, I know I’m a girl now, but even the thought of being with another guy? Ugh…

I strode through the corridors, not really knowing where I was going. I was churning inside, a myriad of emotions mixing together like oil on top of water. I didn’t even know why I was so upset, or on the verge of tears and unable to think of a reason for it. Rachael had ditched me. Zoe wasn’t anywhere to be found. This sucks.

I stepped outside, grabbing my board from the rack where Chad had left it. I didn’t care where I went, so long as it was away from everyone else. A few hundred feet from the resort was a trail that led to several other runs scattered about the mountain. I stepped into the board once again, quickly fastening the straps before setting off down the trail.

Even though the trail itself was wide and other riders were scarce, I found myself having trouble concentrating. Unlike before when I’d been racing down the hill, I was still angry, furious at my friends for leaving me, furious at Chad for being…well, Chad. What was it about him that was pissing me off so much anyway? He was just another guy, some jerk who thought that I was an easy target. Someone he could go back to Mike and his friends to brag about.

Over and over again, I played the ideas through my head, growing increasingly upset with every repetition. I couldn’t keep track of the terrain as my mind wandered. And when you can’t do that, you tend to bail.

And I bailed a lot.

By the time I had made it to the next slope, I’d probably fallen over three or four times, which only served to further heighten my aggravation. As I picked myself up from my latest loss to balance and equilibrium, I noticed another path that branched off from the top of the slope, leading to an out of bounds area. Those kind of areas are usually marked with warning signs, as they’re not groomed or covered by the ski patrol.

As I stood up, several other riders shot past me, most of them making their way to the slopes starting area. It was a blue run: something more difficult than your usual beginners slope, but not the kind of run you might see experts carving up. As they disappeared from view, I noticed one veering off to the side, sliding under the rope barriers and into the trail beyond.

If you asked me now, I couldn’t really tell you why I followed. Maybe I was worried they’d made a mistake, who knows?

I kicked my board into motion, ducking beneath the rope as I followed the boarder into the unknown. As I moved into pursuit, the safety ropes and signage behind me quickly disappeared from view. I tried to call out; maybe get this person’s attention and force them to stop. However even from the distance I followed, I could clearly see a pair of headphones wrapped around their head, eliminating any chance they could hear me.

The further into the back country we rode, the more dangers began to make themselves apparent. Rocks, trees, outcroppings and sudden drops were all threatening to dismount me without notice. I fought to keep control of the board, quickly approaching the limit of hazards my skill would allow me to avoid. If I didn’t do something to end this game, chances are I’d overtake my partner while I tumbled down the mountain.

I spotted a clearing ahead, knowing it might be my only chance to close the gap between us. The freezing air stung my skin as I put every bit of effort I could into picking up speed, until finally I drew even alongside the rider. They glanced over at me, face obscured by goggles and a handkerchief. I tried waving my arms, shouting obscenities to get their attention and perhaps reconsider this course of action.

Instead I saw the figure raise a hand, indicating toward something up ahead. I turned my head, just in time to spot a rocky outcropping come into view. Blood froze in my stomach as I realized there wasn’t going to be time to come to a stop.

I slammed my heels into the snow, a wall of snow shooting up from the edge of the board as I tried to change direction, desperately trying to alter my path just enough to clear the obstruction. Still, it wasn’t enough. I’d been too late trying to change directions, my momentum carrying me towards the rocks, inch by inch as though it was in slow motion.

I let out a scream of terror, suddenly finding myself being wrenched to the side with a sickening force. The stranger was atop of me; and no longer able to balance I was thrown onto my back with the force of an impact that sent us sliding down the mountain.

The roar of the snow in my ears drowned out everything else, before gradually ebbing away until we came to a stop some distance away. For a moment neither of us moved, simply thankful for the fact that we’d somehow fallen this far without hitting something else. I felt the pressure on my chest draw back as my saviour sat up a little, pulling the hood of their jacket away to reveal a mane of platinum blonde hair. I squinted for a moment…was it a guy?

He removed his goggles which were now coated in snow, smiling just a bit. “Are you okay?”

That’s the second time I’ve been asked that dumb question in as many hours. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Oh, cool.” His face still hovered over my own, seeming to enjoy the situation more than he should.

“Wow” I muttered.

“What?” He asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“Your breath smells really, really bad.”

“Great.” He muttered as he stood up, any magic in the moment now completely ruined. “You can thank me later.”

“Hey, whatever you say.” I said as I pulled myself to my feet. Just when I was upright, I felt my grip disappear from the board, causing me to fall on my ass in a suitably stupid fashion.

“Shit!” I yelped as I fell over, much to my saviour’s amusement.

I took a look down at my boot, noting that it had come away from the board completely. Yet the straps were still attached, which could only mean one thing.

“Looks like the bindings have torn away.” He said, leaning in for a closer inspection.

“Lousy rentals.” I gave him a dirty look as I started to pull my other foot free from the board. “Looks like I’m walking back to the lifts.”

He sat down and began to undo his own bindings, clearly intending to accompany me. I scowled at him, still embarrassed that I’d nearly been smashed against that outcropping. “I don’t need your help.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so you know the way back huh?”

Jesus fucking christfuck. “No, I guess not.”

“Then let’s get going. Besides, it’s not far: We can rejoin the trail a few hundred metres west of here.”

I picked up the board, holding it beneath my arm as I began the slow trek through open powder. I looked at him again, getting a better look at his features. He was definitely older, maybe in his early twenties or so. Still, he looked kinda cool I guess. “So what’s your name?”

“Travis.” He replied. “That was a pretty nasty crash, you sure you’re okay?”

God, it’s not like I’m freaking helpless. “Big mountain skills or hospital bills, right?”

He smiled warmly “Yeah, I guess so. You’re a real toughie, aren’t you?”

“What was your first clue?”

“I dunno, maybe the fact I know plenty of girls who’d never follow me into back country, let alone try to keep up.”

“You’re not going to tell me I sucked and nearly killed myself?”

“Why would I?” He shrugged. “I say do what you want. Everyone’s going to get their ticket punched some time or another. You’ve gotta ride your own path.”

We continued up the slope, through a patch of pine trees. “Philosophy huh?”

“You could say that. I just think that no matter what you do, board, skate, ride, there’s always a road you have to follow.”

I turned to him, genuinely intrigued by what he was saying. “And what kind of road do you ride?”

He scratched his head, looking a little embarrassed that I would ask. “Me? Well, I guess you could call mine the road of ice.”

“Because you’re a snowboarder?” I asked with a heavy dose of irony.

“Nope.” He shook his head. “Because ice crystals are unique; no two are the same. Even when they melt and disappear, another is born in the sky to take its place.”

“Meaning…?”

He grinned sheepishly. “Every trick I do is like that ice. It’s perfect for a moment, before it melts and vanishes…until the next trick.”

“I guess a moment of perfection is all you can ask for.” I could hear voices in the distance now, indicating we weren’t far from the trail.

Travis took a few steps ahead of me “So what’s your road?”

“My road?” I paused, thinking for a moment. “No idea. I guess I’ll know when I find it.”

By the time I had limped to the chairlifts, the sun was already beginning to fade over the edge of the mountain, casting long blue shadows against the snow. I dropped my boots and board off at the resort, telling them I’d be back in the morning to pick them up once the bindings had been fixed.

When I made it back to the suite, Rachael and Zoe were already arguing with one another. Apparently Mike had convinced Rachael to let him crash in our room along with three of his friends, mainly because they’d run out of money. Rachael was currently in the phase of teenage lust where thoughts of Mike shorted out anything that resembled cognitive thought, so that sounded like a fantastic idea to her.

The plan worked flawlessly, right up until the point where Zoe returned to the suite, wary from having spent the day with her parents. Upon finding three strangers and one asshole in the room, she proceeded kick their asses so hard that Norzdamu (lord of ass-kickery) only had time to shout “No! It’s too much!” before exploding in a shower of awesome. This brings us back to the present.

In spite of everything that had happened, I was actually quite happy. Sure, I’d busted my board, nearly killed myself, and had to fend off the relentless advances of Chad. But at the same time I’d proven to myself that I could handle anything that was thrown at me and still come out on top. To me, that’s definitely the most rewarding part of any challenge.

I lay down on my bed, put on my headphones and closed my eyes. A long sigh slipped out from my lips as I began to let my mind wander, coming to rest on the most satisfying parts of the day, reliving them again and again.

Like when I was racing down the morning slope, dodging between riders by the smallest margins.

When I was saved by Travis from crashing into the rocky outcropping.

Or when I walked out on Chad in the café.

And the part where Travis walked me back to the trail.

Or when Travis pulled off his goggles and smiled at me.

I seem to be thinking about Travis a lot, don’t I?

Fuck.

Chapter Three:

That night I was visited by dreams, haunted by visions that threatened to reveal what desires I had lurking beneath conscious thoughts. I tossed and turned beneath the sheets, struggling to keep them down. No, not like this. Not now, not ever. I can’t let this happen.

I made a promise to myself, didn’t I?

What good is anything I do if I can’t even keep a simple promise? I can’t feel this way about anyone. I won’t allow it. It’s a distraction, something to pull me away from my purpose. If I gave up now I’d just end up like everyone else. I’d become just another girl; head filled with nothing but thoughts of fashion, boys and gossip. That’s not who I am. I can’t be like that….I just…I….

My eyes flew open, chest heaving as my knuckles gripped sheets so hard they became white as snow. I gazed out the window, our suite filled with an eerie blue light as the moon shone through drifting flakes of ice that danced on the wind as they fell to earth. I gazed out at the moon and marvelled, wondering why I couldn’t be as cold and unfeeling.

Zoe and Rachael were fast asleep on their beds adjacent to mine, having worn themselves out from arguing for hours on end. By the time it was over, I think they’d pretty much vented all their energy, resigning themselves to sleeping off any feelings of discontent.

I pulled back the sheets and stood up, resigning myself to the fact I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I watched the snow falling outside, hands pressed against the cold glass of the window. What was I doing? I’d told myself that I was going to be the best girl ever, but when it came to how I was going to do that….I had no answer. All I was doing was running from my problems, same as when I’d been a guy. I suddenly recalled when I’d spoken to Travis, he’d asked me what road I travelled. I didn’t have an answer then, and I don’t now.

Travis. Just the sound of his name rolled about languidly in my thoughts, causing my pulse to quicken. Travis: The savoir. Travis: The enigma. Travis: The splinter in my mind.

There had to be a way to rationalize this. I wanted to take the problem and break it into smaller parts, make it manageable enough that I could find a solution. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was compelled no longer see it as a problem. I was compelled to revel in it.

I can’t even explain it. I wanted so badly to shut it out, to take my problem and lock it into the box of darkness along with everything else. But with Sickness gone, I could no longer find that box within myself. Instead the emotion touched me on a level I’d never conceived before. It consumed me, like a flame burning within my soul it radiated throughout my body.

I closed my eyes, pressing my head against the window. I already knew what this meant, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself:

I had a crush on Travis.

Is this what Sickness was talking about, the conflict I would feel by trying to separate my thoughts from my heart? No, she’s wrong….this is wrong. I mean, as a guy I was never into other guys. I would even try to picture what it would be like sometimes, and found myself completely disinterested with the idea.

The most tragic part of all of this was that there was nothing sexual about it. I wasn’t trying to picture what it would be like to kiss him or anything (and any attempt to do so would result in my testing the window’s tolerance to facial impact). Instead it was just that whenever I thought about him, I’d get all gushy inside and light headed.

And that’s what irked me the most. After all my talk, after all the promises I’d made, some guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet. Just like that. It didn’t take much, and suddenly I’ve been reduced to being just like every other girl who’d ever caught a glimpse of a cute smile and brash attitude.

I let out a long sigh. This wasn’t getting me anywhere. A quick glance at the clock confirmed that dawn would be breaking any minute now, so it’s not like there was much point in trying to get some sleep. Besides, if I was going to stay awake, I’d need some coffee.

I walked back to my bag, rifling through the contents until I found something warm enough to wear. The room was heated, so here I was able walk around in nothing but my underwear, but the hallways outside would be a different story. Pulling on baggy sweat pants and a hoodie, I trekked down to the hotel lobby in search of caffination. Crush or no, I wasn’t going to spend the whole day dwelling on this.

Given the hour, it was no surprise that the lobby was practically empty. There were a few people scattered about, packing their bags as they prepared to return to civilization. A twenty four hour snack bar was located near the stairs, one of those places you could buy regular food at outrageous prices. I paid for a cup of coffee and took a seat in one of the sofas placed about the lobby, watching through the sun creep over the edge of the mountain.

“Can’t sleep either, huh?”

At this point, I’d like to say that Travis appearing behind me was a complete shock. However my luck has been so lousy since this trip started, nothing seemed to surprise me any more.

“No, I guess not.” I said coolly as I sipped my coffee, which tasted largely of paint thinner and suck.

“Well that’s too bad. I guess we’re the only ones who are awake at this hour.” He said, taking a seat opposite me.

Just looking at him I could already feel my cheeks begin to flush. Dammit, can’t my body just do what I tell it to for once?

I shrugged my shoulders. “So what are you doing up anyway, you know, aside from the non-sleep?”

“I’m heading out today, so I figured I may as well get ready early and sleep on the trip home.”

My heart sank just a little upon hearing that. “Can’t you stick around any longer?”

He smirked. “Not unless you know another place I can stay, and get lift passes.”

Before I could stop myself, ideas began to flash through my mind: I quickly contemplated trying to get him to stay in our suite, before realizing that’s exactly the same stupid stunt Rachael had tried to pull yesterday. Fuck, am I really as retarded as Rachael when she fell for Mike?

I hung my head in resignation, realizing it was probably best if I didn’t answer that question. “So, plans for the rest of the day?”

He shrugged, leaning back in the sofa. “There’s a pipe jam competition on today, so I figured I’d check that out.”

I’d noticed preparations for the jam going on around the mountain since I’d arrived. A lot of banners scattered about the resort, along with flyers and the like announcing it’s imminent arrival. Now that I thought about it, I think I’d even seen a pipe dragon (think crop harvester, but for shaping half pipes) rumbling by the hotel last night, heading towards the rail park.

A thought suddenly occurred to me, and my heart leapt at the prospect: Could I use this as an excuse to hang out with Travis today? I hadn’t really made any plans with Zoe or Rachael, and given what had transpired last night, it’d probably be best if I gave them a wide birth anyway.

“That’s kind of cool, I might check it out with you.” I said nonchalantly.

“That’s fine by me.” He checked his watch. “It won’t start for a few more hours, so we’ve got time until then.”

Just the thought of spending time with Travis was enough to make me tingle. “Oh, right. Well I’ve gotta get dressed anyway. Can’t really go out like this, right?”

He nodded. “Alrighty, meet you back here in a couple of hours?”

“Sure!” I said, suddenly eager to get out of here before something could spoil the moment. “I’ll see you then.”

I finished the rest of my coffee, not even noticing the taste before heading back to the elevators. Part of me knew what I was doing and abhorred me for it. The other part knew what I was doing and couldn’t care less. To be honest, I kind of ignored the former and ran with the latter. I know I’m going to hate myself for this later. But that’s the future, and this is now. I’m a “carpe diem” kinda guy.

Actually, right now I suppose I’m that kinda girl.

I opened the suite door and stepped inside. By now Rachael and Zoe were already up and eating breakfast, though it quickly became apparent that neither of them was speaking to the other. On top of that, I also made note that Zoe has the worst bed-hair I’ve ever seen.

I quickly abandoned any notion of trying to start a conversation and slipped into the bathroom. I needed to clean myself up, or at least try to get presentable. But at the same time I was so excited, almost giddy really. For once, something on this trip was starting to go right. I pulled off my clothes, hastily climbing into the shower. As the water cascaded over my naked skin, I began to replay the events of the last few hours in my mind.

So let’s recap, shall we? I woke up hating myself for being emotional, then became even more distressed when I realized I had a crush on Travis. Then I ran into Travis, forgot all about that and tried to set myself up on a date. So I went from being completely analytical and distanced to completely girling out in a heartbeat. And now here I was, trying to make myself all pretty so I could go out and meet him again.

I don’t really understand why I’m acting this way. I mean, I know why…but I don’t understand it. It’s like suddenly when I thought about it, I just didn’t care any more. It was like I couldn’t sleep because I’d spent the whole night fighting myself. In one corner I had Kane, all-around guy and memory of who I was. In the other was Faye, a girl who wanted a life of her own.

I held my face up to the shower head, letting the steaming water spray against my skin. Had I given up? I don’t know…maybe I was just tired of fighting. I’d promised myself to be the best girl ever. Someone who was perfect; the best of being both a guy and a girl. But I don’t think that’s possible now. You can be a girl with masculine traits, or a guy with feminine aspects, but keeping a foot in both worlds? That will tear you apart.

Is what Sickness meant by that final, cryptic message? I’d spent this whole trip…no, this whole experience pushing people away. I was hiding myself, living in fear that if I opened up to anybody, they’d see me for who I really was.

I don’t want to keep running and searching, only to never find what I've been looking for. I'm tired running away. I don't want to be afraid or alone anymore.

I turned off the faucets, slipping out of the shower and wrapping a towel around myself. I could feel something had changed, like the fire that I felt before had grown somehow, building into a flame that would only spur me onward. By the time I’d stepped out of the bathroom, Rachael had already left, apparently wanting as little to do with Zoe as possible. Zoe for her part was laying on her futon, flicking idly though television channels with the remote.

“You’re finally out? And here I thought you were going to use all the hot water.”

I frowned, feeling taken aback by that comment. “Just because you’re bitchy with Rachael doesn’t mean you should take it out on me.”

“Sorry.” She muttered. I almost asked her to repeat herself, since it’s the first time she’s ever apologised for anything. “It was probably a mistake to bring her along anyway.”

“You two really don’t get along, huh?”

“Not really, no.” She flicked off the plasma TV, turning around to face me as I rummaged around in my bag for anything that might be fresh enough to wear. “Actually, I kinda did it more for your sake.”

“Why’s that?” I asked, slipping on a par of panties under the towel.

“I dunno. I mean, I like you and all. You’re just uptight all the time. I thought you might be able to relax more if you had her around.”

She had a good point. And it’s not like I hadn’t just realized the same thing. Still, that wasn’t going to help now. “Think I should try to find her?”

“Nah.” Zoe shook her head. “Let her hang out with whats-his-name all she likes. We can sort this mess out when we get back to Delacroix.”

“Fair enough.” I pulled on a t-shirt as I pulled the towel away in a single motion, just like I’d seen so many other girls do in the past. “In that case, I’m heading out to the pipe jam today.”

She nodded. “Cool, want some company?”

“Nope, it’s all good. I’m already meeting Travis there.”

Zoe eyed me curiously. “Who’s Travis?”

“Just some guy I met yesterday.” I said, suddenly feeling a little defensive.

“Ah, our little girl is becoming a woman.” Zoe chided.

“Fuck you.” I shot back, my smile broadening. “How do I know you’re not doing the same thing?”

She rolled her eyes. “I wish. This family thing keeps getting worse all the time. I’m already going there, but because my dad wants to kiss the collective ass of the mountains executive committee. So I get great seats to watch the show, provided I don’t mind sitting next to Stacy and a bunch of animated corpses.”

“Ouch” I muttered.

“Ah well, life’s a bitch.”

I finished putting on my shoes, completing the ensemble. Since Zoe already knew what I was doing, I figured there was no harm in getting her opinion. “So what do you think?” I said, tuning around quickly.

“I love your hair.” She said, smiling.

I frowned, realizing I hadn’t even brushed my hair yet. “Why’s that?”

“Makes me glad I’m not you.”

------------------------------------

By the time Travis and I made it to the pipe jam, the competition was already underway. From the look of things, this event was actually kind of a big deal, with riders from all over America competing for a spot in the Winter X Games. Everywhere you could see guard rails plastered with corporate logos and banners unfurled, flapping in the alpine wind. Crowds were cheering as they lined the pipe, with television cameras watching each rider try to find strength enough to touch the sky.

Funny thing is, standing there with Travis while we watched the events unfold, I didn’t really know what to do. Should I be friendly, or coy? Should I maybe try to flirt…wait, do I even know how to flirt? It’s not like I can offer to buy him a drink or something. Okay, maybe I can, but I know from experience that doesn’t really go over well with a lot of guys.

In the end I settled for paying for my own hot chocolate, while Travis grabbed one for himself. I was kind of at a loss for what to do. I can say I want to accept being a girl, but I still don’t know how to do anything girly right. Crap. Am I gonna have to ask Rachael about that kind of stuff?

Travis for his part seemed to be friendly enough to me, which was cool and all. But this wasn’t the first time I’ve ever been given this kind of vibe. I’m sure it’s happened to everyone at least once, right? You find this really hot girl, start turning on the charm, but before you know it she takes the ball and runs the wrong way, past the forty yard line and straight into the friend-zone.

And that’s the impression I had as I looked up at Travis, his white hair sparking in light from a perfect blue sky: He liked me, he just wasn’t in to me.

It was a disheartening revelation, but a little bit of a relief at the same time. Maybe I was taking this too fast, you know? I needed to slow down and take a breather. Yesterday I was dead against trying to open up to anyone, and today I was ready to throw myself at Travis. Sure, it’s an exhilarating feeling to let consequences be dammed like that, but I’m still learning here. I’m still trying to grow, and in spite of these revelations I still have a goal to achieve.

As I contemplated that, I became dimly aware of a ruckus building nearby. Towards the top of the pipe, where the announcer’s box and corporate seats resided, I could see a crowd starting to form. And that was when I heard it: a voice that made my blood run colder than the snow beneath my feet.

Stacey’s voice.

I did a quick bit of math in my head: Stacy was here. I knew Zoe was here. Stacy plus Zoe equals trouble squared. I thrust my cup of coca at Travis before dashing off through the snow, heading toward the disturbance. As I shoved my way past other spectators, I could hear an argument between Zoe and Stacy steadily growing more heated. When I reached the edge of the corporate seats, I was able to see Zoe and Stacy clearly, staring each other down in the back row of the stands.

As the onlookers watched the display unfold with perverse curiosity, the situation threatened to became more volatile. Having grown tired of trying to settle the dispute verbally, Stacy lashed out at Zoe. The thing was, this wasn’t your regular girly-slap. This wasn’t even a haymaker punch. Stacy’s leg whipped around, executing the kind of roundhouse that would make Chuck Norris look twice.

A cheer went up from the crowd snowboarders that had gathered at the bottom of the stairs, as the stakes escalated exponentially from being a “babe catfight” to full blown kung-fu hottie showdown. Zoe bought up her arm and intercepted the kick, blocking it and absorbing the impact before driving Stacey back with a blow to the chest.

“Oh crap…!” I leapt over the barrier that marked the edge of the corporate zone and began sprinting up the stairs, trying to reach the row in which they were fighting. By now Stacy had grabbed hold of Zoe’s arm and pulled her to the ground, rolling atop of her as she threw down one blow after another.

Muscles burnt and my heart felt like it was pumping battery acid by the time I reached Stacey, slipping my arms around her waist. I pulled against her with all the strength I could muster, pleading with her to stop. But she could neither feel nor see me, her mind lost in a haze of pure, delirious rage. To her, I was like a mosquito trying to sting an elephant.

I closed my eyes, desperately searching for another level of strength, something I could use to save Zoe. In that moment, my mind was flung back to when I was standing on the pier, staring into the churning ocean beneath my feet. When I looked into the water, I couldn’t see anything other than myself in its reflection. I’d never been so alone in my life.

But this was different. Now I had friends that I cared about. People that were worth protecting.

I felt Stacey’s grip falter as I locked my hands together, wrenching her back with every fibre of my being. The flame within me swelled, roaring to life as I toppled backward with Stacey landing beside me. All it took was one glance in her eyes, and I knew I was about to die. She wasn’t angry or livid. Deprived of her prey, she was beyond insanity. There was no reason left behind those eyes, only animal instinct.

I was helpless, unable to do anything as she pulled back her fist and drove it down. As it flew toward me, all I could do was close my eyes and await the inevitable explosion of pain that accompanied its impact...

“Stacy Keebler!”

The voice boomed out from nowhere, yet it somehow cut through the white-hot rage that filled her, reaching the conscious mind buried so far beneath it. Her fist stopped inches from my face as she turned about, looking at a middle aged man standing only a few feet away. As I opened my eyes, I could immediately tell who it was: There was no mistaking the figure was Stacey’s father.

Wordlessly, she climbed off of me and walked away. Zoe was already getting to her feet, her face swollen from what was probably going to be a black eye.

“Are you okay?” She said, offering a hand to help me up.

I watched as her father disappeared to follow Stacy, no doubt resolving to confront Zoe later. “Geez, you should worry about yourself. You look like hell.”

“Don’t worry about it, she punches like a girl.”

“Come on, we should probably get you back to the hotel.” I said, draping her arm over my shoulder.

As we made our way though the crowds, Zoe scooped up a handful of snow and pressed it against her eye. She seemed to be studying me, smiling through the pain of her injuries.

I looked back at her, curious as to her expression. “What are you smiling about? You just had your ass kicked.”

“Yeah…but you came to help me. I never really expected that.”

I thought about what she said for a moment. “Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t have before today either.”

She blinked curiously. “So what’s changed?”

“I dunno.” I shrugged.

Inside I knew the answer. Yesterday Travis had asked me what road I would run on, the path that I could follow to my dreams. For me, the power to help my friends, to inspire and create: that’s the flame road.