If I was in a better position financially I would commit myself to a mental ward and never leave. I am dangerously depressed and sleep deprived. Things are going well, but I am so fearful that the bottom is going to drop out and that I'm going to lose everything. I would rather die than to see that happen and that worries me.
I am so tired of the fight, so tired of the struggle, so tired of people looking down at me and sneering at me.
It started a few weeks ago. I intercepted my roommates Facebook page and saw a message he left to one of his friends. In it he calls me "That crossdressing fagot and repeatedly refers to me and Felix as 'it'. If I had any backbone I would kick him out, but with new developments, I might need his money to keep things afloat for Felix.
Since then things have gotten worse and not worse if that makes any sense. I have never been in a relationship like I have with Felix, but I fear losing it. Sooner or later he is going to realize that I'm not worth the time or effort.
Also, I might have broken my foot. It has been hurting for a week now and is really swollen. I'm hoping I just jammed the toe, but my sandals don't fit and they hurt to wear them (They fit when feet are normal size).
I have a redneck at work that hurls curses at me constantly. I think he wants to fight, something I was never good at (I just choke people).
Working 7 days a week between 2am and 7am is also taking a toll.
Many other problems revolving work for Felix
Money is tight
I bitch to much and annoy people who read the blogs.
Lastly, I think I lost my latest story. I got 130k words and my muse died on me. I think it is the stress of everything else. Not to mention that I shouldn't open my mouth on FM and have been attacked over there.
Just say a prayer for me or light a candle or hire a hitman to end it, at this point, I don't care which.
Comments
Hugs
You're preaching to the choir, cept I'm pretty sure my foot's not broken and I'm not working either.
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You can't choose your relatives but you can choose your family.
hon, take a breath
Take a breath, say a prayer, and have a little faith. You got a lot of people pulling for you, and you have a man who loves you. Its easy to count the things going wrong, (dont I know it), but make a conscious effort to focus on the blessings you do have. You've come a long way in a short time, so dont give up!
I understand how you feel.
I understand how you feel. But remember that you are important. You've no idea how your life is positively effecting others. Try to remember Eccles. 3:3 "There is a time and a season for everything that happens." The bad times will end, you just need to make it through today, don't worry about tomorrow. We care about you, Katie, and want you to be happy and prosperous. hang in there and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hugs,
Mark <3
Double-Hugs
I really hope everything gets better or at least more stable in the future.
Don't worry about the story. It will come back in time. It's you that's most important, not your stories (great as they are).
*Hugs*
Amy
Compassion
"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." - Dalai Lama
Staring into the abyss is just plain awful, and a very bad habit. The abyss has nothing to offer. No one is going to give you much thought if you act on your darkest motivations. Most people "know" suicide is an irrational act and don't put a lot of effort into trying to dissect the departed person's motives. I get that you want the pain to end. That's a quite healthy desire. Ending the pain through suicide only allows the creeps to win by stating, "See . . . I told you he was a nut."
I've been there. Suicide seems appealing because it seems to offer complete control . . . for once. Real control comes through taking positive steps. Exercise . . . adequate sleep . . . healthy diet. Trite, but absolutely true.
FM can be quite toxic. It can also be positive. The difference is primarily up to you. There's no way to "win" posting to the FM message board. I've been much happier since I quit trying.
You probably scare the hell out of that fellow worker. When someone wants to fight you that usually means either they're an ass or you've challenged their paradigm and made them uncomfortable . . . or both.
Your roommate has major problems. How utterly childish to publicly whine about living with two "its". The majority of the world is no longer receptive of that kind of bigotry. He is only a problem if you allow him to ruin your self-image. You control that.
Good luck.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)