“Damn” I say aloud. “Damn”. Its another hot summer night. I spend it with my buddy Mike’s hard lemonade. Cranberry. Its not exactly hard liquor but lets face it, I ain’t got the cash and Mike makes a damn good drink. The Sour Patch Kids are over and if they could talk they would say “Hey fucker, get off that couch and go to that new gay bar downtown. C’mon fatty. Put the sugar down and back away slowly.” It’s a good thing the fuckers can’t talk.

Man I don’t know what to say. Even the queers in this town want answers. My last venture into a gay joint ended with me drunk off my ass screamin’ “nobody gets it man. Not a girl, not a guy. I’m NEITHER. YOU HEAR ME ASSHOLES? I’M…” passed out.
Okay, that’s when I realized I have to back of the booze. Hard to be a gender fucked loner. Whether you straight, gay, trans or bisexual in this town- you better have a fuckin label. Everyone, even the gays, want to know “what” you are.

Truth is I don’t know what I am. I could pass for either. Until well… I haven’t worked out how to have sex without a drunk ass partner and I don’t go for that. Nothing sexy about a rape charge in the morning. Or a guilt trip or the idea of puke.
It’s not that I don’t have parts, or the “right” ones or that they’re messed up or anything. Its that I look down there and go “that doesn’t belong to me. Or does it? Fuck if I know”.

I am writing this because I want to know. Whats wrong with me? Why am I so messed up? Why do I live in such a shit-hole of a world?
Things weren’t always this bad. Back in high school everything was.. Well okay it sucked. I moved from town to town. School to school. Each time I would start off with a new identity. New gender. Freshman year: I was a metro-sexual emo. I passed as bi since I was too awkward and couldn’t make up my mind as to whether I liked chicks or dicks.

Sophomore year: Didn’t date, but I passed myself off as a girl. I had more boyish features then but none of the “manliness” that comes with the puberty I hadn’t reached yet. That summer though- well lets say I was checking every one out. My frequent and vivid sex dreams always involved people who had two genders. Most action I had ever gotten in my life. Sad isn't it?

For my junior and senior years I had four high schools. Two my junior and two my senior. The third move was my fault. Mostly because I was getting high. So I was sent to a continuation school- where everyone was getting high. I never did meth or heroine or anything. Saw what it did my parents. Getting drunk and stoned was the only way to escape my fucked up life.

“Man I’m depressed” I say to Mike and the kids. I get up, take a shower, get dressed and walk a few blocks down Main to the seven-eleven. “Shit I thought this was going to be a good night, then the dumb ass cat drags your faggot ass in”. “Hey Andy” I say back. “Thought it was your night off” “It was man. The Boss is sick and Ally doesn't have a phone”. “Oh”. Two things are going through my head at this point: The Boss, who isn’t the boss isn’t sick. That bastard is hung over. The Boss is his ‘behind your back’ nickname. His real name is Jeff. Jeff is one of those some-what-wealthy pretty boys that like to party and shrug off his responsibilities whenever he feels like it. He only has a job as front to his parents who supply him extra cash just as long as he is “employed”. He doesn’t really do shit around here. Mostly he smokes weed in the back and watches TV instead of actually running the store.
The second thing that is running through my head: Ally. What she is doing working at this run down seven eleven on the corner of two shit-hole blocks I will never know. She is like a goddamn angel walking around hell. She is the one girl that has me hot every time I look at her. Most people get dull after you look at them for a while.

Not Ally. Its like every day her hair gets polished back into its golden curly craziness, her cheeks re-rosied and her lips.. damn. Ally isn’t another beautiful but dumb blonde either. She is very intelligent. Which goes back to what I said earlier. What the fuck is she doing here? Sexy. With quarks. Like she is a die hard animal lover. Mostly cats and if you mention them- her eyes light up and she cant stop talking about them. She snorts when she laughs. She has balls. I don’t mean that in the literal sense, although that would almost be hot. Ally is the kind of girl who is shy and meek but doesn’t have a problem ripping you a new gaping asshole if you act like a dick. Once I saw her rip this guys head off because he called some chick a cunt. This guy was like 20 times her size too. If I had money I would go to college just so I can stalk her.

If there is one person in the world I could possibly want to settle spend my life with its- her. But what the hell would she want with me? I have two semesters of college under my belt but that was six months ago. I have a crappy as job as a dish washer for a cock-roach infested Chinese restaurant. I have a studio apartment that is obviously a bachelor pad. I am gender queer.
Fuck my life.

“So uh fuck munch” Andy yells across the store. “What ass-wipe?” I say back. No one else is wondering around looking for shit in this stupid-ass “convenience” store; so it’s not like anybody cares what we say to each other. “I got some juicy gossip for your queer ass”. “My ass doesn’t like gossip” I roll my eyes. As if I couldn’t use some drama in my boring life. “Right… don’t wanna think about what your ass wants.” “fuck off” I say. “Okay. Guess I ain’t telling you what Bosses ex-girlfriends sister says about Ally”.
The sheer mention of Ally’s name gets my heart racing. So dumb ass has my attention now but he doesn’t know I fantasize about Ally so I play the “not really interested card”. “Who cares what that whack-job said?” “Word has it Ally is a tranny. Used to be Al”. “Is this some kind of fucking joke?” I say. “No dude, I’m fucking serious. Ally, Al is some kind of freak”. Andy blurts out, apparently forgetting for the moment that I am a freak. His loser emo gay freak of a friend. “Andy- I’ma freak”. “Yeah I know” He says. “But you don’t hide. Everyone can tell just looking at you. What if Ally is really a guy? Walking around a chick. That’s fucking deceitful” “You’re a real ass Andy. Ally doesn’t owe any one anything. Even if she is a he.”
“Wouldn’t you want to know?” “Know what?” “if someone was lying to you?”

“Yeah I guess” I say as a pocket my change. “See ya” as I walk out the door. I finish my Big Hunk before I make it back to my place. Ally? Al? I wonder if its true. If Ally gets it- understands what its like to be confused about your body and your identity…. My heart flutters. Would it mean? That I have a chance?

I don’t want to think about. Why get excited? The higher you get the harder you come crashing back down to earth- or hell.
I spend the rest of my boring as night thinking about her. About sweat. About this god-forsaken heat and the lack of a working air conditioner. About how much hotter I get when I think about those curls. That voice, that smile and the possibility that Al may be in my dreams tonight.