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Where did she go? She's still here, just not on as much.
I owe a big apology to all my friends, readers, commentators, and supporters here on the new and improved Big Closet. I have not been on much reading or writing, and I have not responded to the wonderful folks that left comments on my last few poems. Real life has been moving pretty fast. I have made the decision to tell my wife about me. It will be done at a double appointment with my therapist and wife all together in the beginning of June. I have told her she will be going to the appointment with me and we will need to talk. I have told her that I love her and this is something that I have been dealing with since childhood. She knows that I have been depressed most of my life and she is ok with doing this in a professionals office. She tells me that she loves me and that no matter what comes out this will not change.
I am not sure what will happen after I tell her, but I feel it needs to come out. I am hoping for the best but have also been putting things in place just in case it doesn't. Eiter way a new stage in my life will begin soon.
I love everyone I have met here and thank you all for the support. I see this as a monumental step in my life that needs to be taken. Did I already say that? Anyway my therapist has printed some stuff out to give her a better understanding of what I have been going through and wants me to also print out some of my poems to show her before she we tell her. So she can get an idea what this has been doing to me and how it has affected me my whole life.
No matter what happens I will be entering that new frontier that I put up there in the tags. It doesn't seem all that long ago that I was contemplating suicide and ending everything. Then I found this little haven on the web where I got to be myself and met many wonderful people. All of you encouraged me to write and get my feelings out and start on the road to dealing with a part of my life that I had suppressed for so long. I am lighter in my heart than I have ever been, I'm still scared about what the future holds but I think I will be ok.
Next thing. I will be taking a vacation before I tell her to get away for a bit and try to get ready for the big day. I will be in Dallas at the end of the month at an anime convention and had planned on meeting dome of the wonderful friends I have met here on BCTS. If you are in the area and would like to join us it will most likely be on the 30th of May a Thursday. Send me a PM and I will get with you once we finalize the restaurant we will be meeting at. I would love to meet anyone who can come.
I am filled with hope for the first time in a long time. My life will be starting anew and I promise to start writing again. I have had several story ideas and maybe I can write a happy ending for once. Again I love you all, you have been there for me when I was really down and supported me through some very hard times. I will keep you posted as things unfold and I might ask to lean on you in the future.
Love and hugs to all, Jennifer Cavazos.
Comments
Hey!
I'm proud of you. It is an important step and then you can decide the next stepped.
I'm only a phone call away.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
You Go Girl!
So happy your moving ahead Jenn! We're here for ya hon! Great Big Teddy Bear Hugs! Taarpa
A Big step, but an important one
I am so happy you are taking this step on your journey. I hope it works out for the best for you both. I would love to meet with you in Dallas, alas work and funds wont allow it for awhile. I hope you meet a lot of your fans and fellow writers and have a good time (not TOO good a time though, remember it ISNT Vegas :-) )
You have a talent that allows you to reach right into people, and bring forth emotions either long suppressed or long dormant, so hopefully this will be similar for you, allow YOUR emotions and feelings to emerge from your cocoon and become the beautiful person you really are for the world to see
HUGZ,
Terri
Teresa L.
Too bad I can't make the convention
But, hey, you can eat some Pocky for me, no? I'd fully intended to make a Princess Ai costume the one time I got to go to one, but I never got all the pieces together.
Good luck with your wife, and we'll be waiting for the good news when it's all over!
Melanie E.
Moving Forward...
Dang, now I kinda wish I lived in Dallas so I could meet with you and give you a big hug of solidarity and support. Hope things go well with wifey. *hugs*
Lisa Dani
Good luck!
I hope she proves very receptive and accepting like a few of the other older members here and their wives.
Abigail Drew.
Holding your hand...
...as you have held mine. Love you!
Love, Andrea Lena
Coming out to your spouse
Do you know her feelings about transgender people at this time?
I am with you in prayer for support.
I didn't get the chance to tell my spouse, she found my word processor on and down loaded approximately 180 pages of journals of how I really felt. After she skimmed through them she called all of my (then)friends told the people in my church, called my employer, called friends in other states and with in hours I was outed to everyone and anyone. She gave a copy of my journal to her lawyer. took everything out of the house except the dining room table, one chair, the bed with a single sheet, a lamp and the television set. She cleaned out the bank accounts and hid with my daughter.
I remained calm the first few days, changed the bank accounts. If she had waited a few more hours she would have gotten more money as the company I worked for was late in putting my pay check in and she emptied the other account on a Thursday. So on Friday my money was deposited. I managed to change accounts before she could write checks and the checks bounced she was held responsible.
It was an ugly divorce. She and her Lawyer tried to use my daughter as leverage. The courts saw through them and I with out a lawyer was winning the court battles. (My hobby is law, I read law books, and study law cases. Lay is just applied logic) I was beating the head of a law firm. My degree is in Behavior Science.
I learned a lot from the divorce. I'm more up front. I live as a female full time. My friends are real friends an accepting.
If you ever need and ear to listen to I have to of them. No matter how dark it gets, no matter how alone you feel You will never be alone or in the dark I promise I will be your friend until God calls me home and then the friendship will still endure in your heart. You have my number call it when ever you want.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Compassion
EGOCENTRIC.
If there is a word that describes me, it would be egocentric. It's all about me. Me . . . me . . . me.
Don't be "me". Don't be that stereotypical TG person who is stuck on "me".
Give a tremendous amount of critical thinking to what your announcement will mean to your wife. How will she tell her friends and family? How will it impact her financially? Are you still going to love her? Are you gay?
I've been married nearly 40 years. My spouse knows more about me than I do. When you tell your wife she will probably say she's known for years. She will be interested in how this has impacted you, but her primary concern might be HER fears.
What you need to do is talk to her about HER concerns first. She needs to know that you value her and will meet her halfway in your decisions.
The world is changing, but there still are a great number of people who are living in the Eisenhower era. Be compassionate toward their feelings.
Let ME be egocentric, but you need to be better than that.
Above all . . . remember that everything written on this site is fiction. Your life is YOUR life. Don't let someone else's ideals become your millstone. If attending the convention in May involves any kind of deceit to your wife it probably won't serve as a great backdrop for your early June meeting. She has to be your priority or you might be asking too much of her. You're seeking alignment with her . . . which can't always mean her moving all the way over to your position.
Good luck. Please spend time reflecting on your wife's needs and the vows you took. There is room for the real you . . . if you work at it.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Misconception
I received a PM suggesting that I was telling you to back out of your plans.
Absolutely not!
I'm just hoping and praying you aren't as self centered as I am.
I would think about ME and only me.
Don't be like me.
Be your true self.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Very well said...
Very well said. Assuming there's any value to the relationship (and I have to believe there is, else the fear wouldn't be there so much), it's not just either one of them.. If they want to stay together they BOTH need to work at it (as in any other relationship) and hopefully both desire that they each be true to themselves as a first step in being true to each other.
Annette
Something...
Something to be aware of... That you might want to think about...
Your wife may be thinking you're going to ask for a divorce... Or, have some serious medical condition (other than trans - it's not something most folks jump to at first) that will begin to manifest, or you've had an affair.
She's probably worried as all get out - about you and what may be going on in your relationship... Despite your protestations of love.
I've been there, done that, seen that, etc... You CAN work through those things.
Best wishes to you on this. Telling my wife was probably the hardest thing I ever did (Nov '08)... And, here we are still together almost eleven months post transition. (Assuming she sticks with you, remember all the problems are not necessarily yours our caused by your "elephant in the living room" - easier said than done - and that if you transition, you both transition.)
Annette
Goddess Blessing's
I hope everything goes Great for U Big Sister Jenn.I know I wish u all the Luck in the world that ur Wife doesn't leave u.I know what it is like to be a lone & It is not fun.May the Goddess Bless u on ur Mission Big Sister Jenn
God bless you and your wife Jenn...
I Hope all goes well for you and your wife. You and she need each other! I hope she'll realize that as you do!
You both have my prayers.
Your friend always,
Ole
We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!
Gender rights are the new civil rights!
God bless you Jenny
I know how hard this will be for both of you. I also understand how much you love her. I realize that you must make this step and my heart is with you. This may be a shock to her, but please remember that her first response, which may be negative, may not be her final response once she internalizes everything. I know you love her and she loves you. I pray that she loves YOU.
God bless you, Hija,
Momma Maren
What can i say to my beloved Twin Sister?
That i support you, that i am holding your hand always, that i am here whenever you need me, that i will fight to the end for your happiness. Bless you JennyWren... i am your shield and sword if you need me to be.
Your Sissy,
Diana