There are some things we tell ourselves to get through the hard times. Some may be true and some may not, but in the final analysis, The Heart Knows.

Chapter 1

"Confusion"

I sat there on the edge of the playground watching the boys engaged in a game of Touch Football. On the sidewalk in front of the school a group of girls was chatting about makeup and boys and what they thought of the latest fashions . I was a kid who never seemed to fit in with anyone. If there was ever a game organized for P.E, I was always the last one picked. The boys always called me names and made fun of me. The girls would never take me seriously because I was considered a loser and a geek. The boys didn't want me for the football game and the girls said that "girl talk" was for girls. Since I was not considered a girl, I couldn't join with them. The tears began to fall as I watched them having fun. "Why God?, "Why was I born like this? I had prayed every night before bed, but every morning it was the same story. I still had those disgusting things between my legs. All I want is to be the girl I know in my heart.

My teachers were too busy with the daily grind of keeping track of all their many responsibilities that they rarely noticed me at all. I just kept quiet, did my work and never got into trouble. My mother was always told that I was doing well at every parent/ teacher conference. Nobody seemed to see the pain I carried inside and it seemed that no one cared. I was invisible.
I made it through the rest of the day and walked home by myself. My brother Ken had Football practice after school, so he never got home until late. My sister Jessica was a popular member of the Cheerleading squad and hung around with her friends at the local Mall. I was never asked to go along, so I stayed home and used their absence to let the girl in me come out to play. I would go take a shower and shave all the required areas and then head for the box under my bed. It contained all the things I had managed to sneak from the Goodwill bag that my mother and sister would gather after Spring cleaning. Through the magic of the internet, I was able to order a pair of breastforms and padded panty gaff. It took a good bit of my lawnmowing money, but It was well worth it. I went to the drugstore around Christmas to make it seem like I was buying gifts for my mother. I bought a makeup kit,along with foundation, mascara, and eyeliner. I read my sister's magazines , so I knew about the rules about not using eye makeup that didn't belong to you. I got dressed, put on a bit of makeup and said hello to Jennifer Danielle in the mirror. She smiled and gave a little giggle!

I went in and started dinner like I did everyday before Mom got home from work. After that, I curled up on the couch with the latest issue of Seventeen. As I got comfortable, I got sleepy......

Chapter 2

Caught!!!!

I don't know how long I was asleep. All I remember is the piercing scream of my mother as it penetrated the deep recesses of my brain. " James Douglas Campbell! "What on Earth are you doing?! I woke with a start and fell off the couch. I tried to run but, my pantyhose slid out from under me on the hardwood floor and I went down hard. I collapsed in the floor with tears running down my face. As I sobbed, I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and rock me. My mother's voice was soothing me with "Shush baby" "It will be alright" As we were lying there, I felt her love come through to me in a new and special way. She helped me up and whispered that we needed to get ourselves together and talk.

We went into the kitchen after cleaning up the mess that was our makeup. I knew that the time had come to lay my soul out on the table and tell her about the daughter she never knew she had until now. She asked me how long I had felt this way, how long I had dressed this way, Was I Gay? I told her that I had felt this way all my life, I had dressed as often as I could for the last five years and I wasn't Gay. I told her that I was attracted to guys the same way every other girl was and that I did not see myself as a boy. She asked me what my name was and I told her Jennifer Danielle. She thought that was very pretty! She told me that we would have to have a family meeting when Ken and Jess got home. I was scared, but I knew that I was tired of hiding my true self from the world. My mother asked me if I wanted to be a girl and I told her "I am a girl"! "I was just born in the wrong body". She contacted the helpline for our health insurance and got a referral for a qualified therapist. Jessica got home ,came into the kitchen and stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh My God"! "What are you doing with my clothes on"? I started to shake and the tears began again. Mom told her to be quiet and sit down. We began to tell her my story and the look on her face softened as the tears came down her cheeks. She looked into my eyes and I knew at that moment that our bond as sisters had been cemented forever. We moved on to the subject of how Ken would take the news about me. Mom had raised all of us by herself after Dad was killed in a car accident when I was six. She wanted all of us to have a deep respect for different people and cultures, so bigotry was considered an absolute no, no in our home. Ken came in and was just as shocked as Jess had been, but he sat down and listened. He gave me a hug and told me he loved me no matter what. I knew I had the best family a girl could ever ask for!

Chapter 3

" A girl's life"

I grew closer to my mother and sister as they worked to set things in motion for me to be Jennifer for good. I had picked up girlish mannerisms and deportment like a duck to water. Mom and Jess commented that they had noticed that I had already been doing subtle things all along, but they had never really put it together until after I was "outed" in my "Sleeping Beauty" incident. We went shopping for a new wardrobe and changed out the furniture and decor of my room. Since I had no friends from school, we never worried about the reaction of other people to what my room looked like. They helped me learn things that every girl should know and I never felt more loved.

Our plan for school was for me to go in "boy" mode until we moved to our new house at the start of Summer. I could live with that because I knew that my therapist was going to grant me my letter to start hormones by Christmas and my "Real Life Test" in May. I was lucky, because puberty had not really started for me as a boy. Our new school district had special policies in place that would allow me to begin life as myself from the first day there. I would come home after my current school day and always change into "Jenn" mode until morning. It was heaven!

Christmas break was a wonderful time for me because after my last class was over that Friday, Mom and I went to the doctor for the first injection of Estrogen. Even though my butt stung, my heart was light knowing that I was on my way at last. I got all girl gifts under the tree even from my grandparents. Dad's parents had both been deceased for many years, so Mom never had to explain anything to them. Her parents were both pretty liberal, so they didn't care as long as I was happy. They could see that I was more outgoing and I seemed to glow with a new confidence I never had before. It was a wonderful holiday and I hated for it to end. I had been dressed the entire time I was home. Jessica and I modeled our new clothes and talked and giggled long into the next morning. We had decided to have a "Sisters" slumber party in her room. She and I discussed all kinds of things that we had never before talked about in my previous life. I loved her more as each day went by. We were sisters heart and soul!

Going back to school was pretty boring after our time off, but I just set up a calendar and began counting down until the end. The kids still never paid much attention to me, but I didn't mind because I didn't want them to notice anything different as my hormones began to do their thing. I knew it was silly of me to think I would change that fast, but just knowing what was really going on was like my own personal inside joke. I just smiled knowing that I wouldn't have to see them much longer. My therapist was amazed at my total change of personality as our sessions moved along. I was shedding the old me and letting my true self shine through. It was so liberating!

The last day of school came on May 25th and I was never so ready in my life to get out of there. The other kids were too excited with their own plans that they didn't even see me walk out of there for the last time. I just laughed and wondered if they would even know me tomorrow. I had to admit, Billy Preston was cute and I would miss seeing him. I wondered if he would take me to prom in a few years?

Chapter 4

"Jenn Forevermore!!!!

The day of the move was absolutely beautiful both in the weather and the promise of the new start in my life. Mom had closed on the house with the builder on Friday and I got my name change paperwork in the mail. We were up early this morning to greet the movers. They were efficient and had us settled into the new house by early afternoon. We went out for dinner that night because the pans were still packed away. Going into the restaurant, Jess , Mom and I all received appreciative stares from the men in the place. I think Ken was a little embarrassed by it, but he handled it well ((Giggle)) I was dead tired when we got home and fell into peaceful slumber that night.

The next few days, we got busy getting to know the new neighbors. There were lots of children so Jessica and I were asked to babysit almost every day for one family or another. We were so successful, that we even printed up business cards for "Childcare by Jessica and Jennifer". It was so much easier than the old lawnmowing jobs I used to do and so much cooler too. I even made friends with Molly and Rebecca. They lived just down the street and we found out we were in the same grade and had some of the same classes together in the fall. We spent countless hours at the ice cream stand checking out all the cute guys who passed by. It didn't escape our notice that they were doing the same thing to us too! I love being a girl!

My Endocrinologist gave me a checkup the week before school started and was very impressed with how I was progressing. My breasts were developing and I was on pace with other fourteen year olds. I knew that development was different for all women, so I was not that surprised with what I did have. If I developed like Mom and Jess, I would consider myself blessed!

Chapter 5

"High School"

We went shopping for new clothes and school supplies for the new year. I was excited to be starting my Freshmen year with Jess and Ken starting their Sophomore and Junior years respectively. Ken was the starting fullback on his new team. We had moved into a district that was a powerhouse, so Ken was not upset in the least about the move we made. Jessica made the Varsity Cheerleading squad so she was happy too. I was just happy for new beginnings. I was no longer invisible. I loved the attention I was getting from the male population. I knew that some of the girls were getting catty about the looks their guys were giving me but I would deal with it. Jessica did her best to teach me what I needed to know about guys from the female side of the fence. It was educational to say the least. I knew that guys were bad about bragging, but some of the girls I knew could give them a serious run for their money. I found that from a girl's perspective, size does matter! (giggle). My classes went very well and I made more new friends. Molly, Rebecca and I were inseparable. If our parents ever wanted to know how to reach one of us, all they had to do was call one of our three cell phone numbers. We went out on a triple date, the first time we dated. It was fun! Bobby Jensen took me, Joe Miller took Molly and Sam Stewart took Rebecca. They were all best friends so it worked well!

Life went on over the next three years with many new and exciting milestones. Jessica and I were as close as ever even after she graduated. She even sat out a year before going to college, so we could be roomies. It was so special for us. Ken went on to play college football for the same school that Jess and I got into. He has ambitions to be in the NFL one day. As for me, I went through the rest of school and even went to the prom with Billy Preston. It is funny how life works! I had Sex Reassignment after my Senior year. Mom, Jessica and I flew to Thailand for it. I was one very sore, but happy girl! when it was over! I met Jared Mitchell during my Junior year of college. I was completing my degree in Education and he was pursing a degree in Engineering. We dated for two years and got married the Summer after we graduated. Jessica was my Maid of Honor and Molly and Rebecca were Bridesmaids. I remember that day so clearly in my mind. I looked into the eyes of my beloved Jared and I realized that through all the times of self doubt, all the fears, there is one thing that is never wrong. The Heart Knows!