"You make me want to say...you were the one who got away."

*** THEN ***
"Hey, freak!"

I huddled my shoulders and tried to make myself smaller. They'd already seen me, so it didn't do much to protect me. My skirt swished back and forth and I hugged my chest. I hoped that this time it would just be words and maybe some spitting. It wasn't always that way, though, and my bruises still hadn't faded from the beating they'd given me just after graduation.

"We need to teach the fairy a lesson."

"Didn't you hear? He thinks he's a girl."

"then I know the perfect lesson to teach."

Hands grabbed me and threw me to the ground. for the first time since I'd heard them I looked at my attackers. There were three of them, and they were leering at my legs.

"Maybe she is a girl," I hear one of them whisper.

"Doesn't matter. She still needs a lesson." The ring leader was unzipping his pants and I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see what would be coming next.

"You leave her alone!" I heard a deep voice yell at them.

"What's it to you, Michael?"

"Yes, operator, I'd like to report a crime. Three adult men are standing over a teen girl with their flies undone."

I heard the sounds of running feet and I cracked open my eyes. A really tall boy of about my age was standing over me and offering me his hand.

"They're gone, darlin. I think you can get up now."

I smiled up at him and took his hand, "Thanks." I said softly. I was still embarrassed by my voice. I'd started on blockers when I was fifteen, but my voice had already begun to change and it was one of my biggest shames.

The estrogen I'd been on since my eighteenth birthday wouldn't do anything about my voice, but at least it would make it easier to tell I was a girl where it counted.

"What's your name?" he said in a kind manner. He had a slight accent that I couldn't quite place, but it was really cute.

"Aubrey," I said with a little smile.

"A pretty name for a pretty girl. I like it. My name is Michael."

"Like the arch-angel?"

"Hardly. I doubt that he plays the rock and roll."

I smiled at him again.

"Isn't there anything I can do to make you laugh?"

"I'm ticklish," I said and immediately regretted it when he got a devilish look in his eyes.

"Oh, really."

"No!" I screamed and tried to evade his hands. He tickled my sides and I squealed and laughed and before I knew it I was being held by him and just looking into his eyes. The smile fled my face as I looked up at him.

I looked away before it could get anymore intense.

"I have to tell you something, Michael."

"what is it?" he said letting me go. Well, he mostly let me go. He held onto my hand and looked deeply into my eyes.

"I'm a boy."

"Excuse me?"

"I was born a boy," I said using my normal tenor voice. "I'm working on getting all the steps done so that I can...I'm living as a girl because that's who I am inside."

"Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that. I never thought a boy could be as pretty as you, and I'm glad to know I was right."

I blushed at him and hid my face in my hair. It might only have been chin-length at the time, but that was long enough. "you really think I'm pretty?"

"Yep," he said, offering me his hand.

***
"Stop." I said as I pushed him away. I adjusted my top and sat up. I tried to get my ragged breathing under control and he adjusted his pants. It made me smile, but the fear of him seeing me down there was still too powerful.

"I don't care, Aubrey."

"But I do. I want our first time to be after my surgery."

"You're driving me crazy, Aubrey."

"And here I thought you were the only one allowed to drive the mustang."

"She's my baby."

"She's definitely a beautiful car."

"I knew that you only loved me for my car."

"I don't think it's your car that excites me," I said with a suggestive smile and a glance downward.

He just smiled and leaned in to kiss me some more.

***
I was lying on his roof, staring up at the stars. They'd just come out and the purple haze from the setting sun was still spread across the horizon.

"There you are," Michael said as he sat down next to me.

"It's beautiful up here. I wish I never had to go down to the real world. Up here I really am a woman."

"You've always been a woman for me, Aubrey."

"It's nice of you to say, but you really don't know how much work it is to look this good. Electrolysis, waxing, plucking, shaving..."

"You still need to shave after all that?"

"I don't wax my bikini line. Maybe after...but I'm too embarrassed right now."

"Oh," he said getting a faraway look.

"Michael!" I teased, hitting him in the arm.

"You're the one who mentioned your bikini. You looked really good in it yesterday by the way."

"Thank you," I blushed at the complement.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd never have been able to tell you weren't born a girl. You are so beautiful."

"Are you drunk?" I replied, seeing for the first time the bottle in his hand.

"Maybe a little."

He offered me a sip of the bottle and I took it. It burned on the way down and I coughed a little. Heat seemed to slowly spread outward from my stomach until it filled me with a warm glow.

"Do you ever think about getting married?"

My glow is enough that I don't get worried about the thought of marriage to anyone like I normally would. Do i love Michael? Of course I do, but marriage is a mess. It's two people committing to each other, but it never works out. People just aren't capable of fidelity.

I didn't say any of this to him.

"Not really. You and I? We're going in different directions, aren't we. You want to sing your music. I want to go to fashion school."

"That wouldn't have to change. I mean if we were married..."

I rolled over and kissed him to shut him up. If he said something I knew we'd both come to regret it. I could tell that he was into it and took it as acceptance of his offer. I let him think it.

"Let's get tattoos," he said a little breathlessly. "It will show our commitment to each other."

"Tattoos?"

"You know, we get matching ones."

"Well, we could get a heart."

"Have it say forever yours?"

He was so sweet in that moment. I loved him, in my way, and this would be something that we could share. Maybe, just maybe, he might be worth the long haul. A tattoo wasn't something that you could toss aside like a ring. It was something that permanently marked you.

"How about some scroll work as well?"

"What would it say?"

"Well, on yours it would say Aubrey and on mine it would say Michael."

He smiled and hugged me, and kissed me again, and I smiled through the kisses. "The heart can be pink, right?"

"I'd prefer not to have a pink heart," he replied.

"But it would be so manly on you," I said with a little pout. He began tickling me at that point and I just couldn't keep my face straight. I tried tickling him back but he seemed immune, so I went after more sensitive areas. I had him squiring very quickly and he pinned me to his roof.

"So, is that a yes?"

"Yes, I'll get a tattoo with you."

***
He parked his mustang on the curb and walked around quickly to open my door for me. He offered me a hand and I accepting it and allowed him to help me up out of the car. I just smiled at him and kept a tight grip on his hand. He slipped his other hand around my waist and we walked into the tattoo parlor.

The woman behind the counter was Goth in a pink sort of way. I mean she had pink hair and she wore black eye shadow, blush, and lipstick. Her earrings were these little hearts with smiley faces in them. The left one was red. The right one was pink.

I smiled at her while Michael talked to her.

"We'd like to get a tattoo. I called earlier about pricing."

"Michael Frontage?"

"Yep."

"Alto will help you. I page him."

The biggest man I'd seen in person walked from the back. It's not that he was fat, even if he was a little over weight, but that he was an imposing figure. His smile let me know he was a teddy bear inside.

"If you'll come with me?"

I was content to hold his hand while Michael explained what we wanted.

"Well, with something like that, I'm going to want a lot of area...I don't suppose I can convince you to get it on your chest, can I?" The guy has a twinkle in his eye that tells me he's joking so I smile at him. "I'm going to say that the hip is probably the best place for it, and since you two are already joined there," he chuckled a little and we smiled.

He provided each of us a small towel that we pinned in place and then he got to work on our tattoo. It hurt a little, but Michael held my hand and smiled at me the entire time. I'd never loved him more than in that moment. He was sharing something with me that was so intimate. This was something that we, among all the people on the planet, actually shared.

It took hours to get it there, but in the end I had half of a pink heart with white lettering on it '-ver -rs'. The 'e' and the 'u' were cut off, but I could live with that. When he put his bare him next to mine the words came clear.

When we were finally done and fully dressed again he paid the girl up front. We went out to the car and I sort of grabbed him and pushed him against the door and just kissed him until both of us needed to come up for air.

He helped me into the car. I put in a Radiohead CD and we drove off with the top down. I thought I might actually be falling in love with him.

***
The summer went slowly like only those summers where life is truly lived can. You experience it as a kid, or most kids do. You pack a lifetime into each day and week lasts forever. The future is left to take care of itself.

That summer with Michael was one of those periods in my life. I was happy in a way that I never had been before and I thought was just because of my transition. Michael didn't so much make me happy, as he provided a good reason for me to let out the happiness I was capable of. Step by step I was growing closer to him, and I realized he was a good reason to live.

Toward the end of the summer, I was alone in my room getting ready for bed. I was still uncomfortable with my body looking so male and so I hid it away from him.

"Aubrey!" I heard his voice outside calling my name. It was quiet, but loud enough for me to hear in my silent room. I threw on a robe and covered myself in a blanket. I opened my window and looked out at him, "Michael?"

"I'm leaving."

"What? When?"

"My parent's found my stash again and I'm done. I'm heading into the city and I want you to come with me."

"Now?"

"Of course now. I want you with me, Aubrey. I love you."

"I know, Michael. What about school?"

"Screw school," he said in an almost growl.

"No, Michael, I need to do this."

"Why, I love you. We can make it work. I want to marry you."

"I'm two years away from being able to marry you, at least. You know that."

"We'll work it out. I don't care about all the little things. You're a woman to me."

"That's sweet, Michael, but all the 'little things' matter to me. I want to be a woman physically, Michael. I need to be."

"Coming with me to the city isn't going to change any of that. You can still go through all of that. You'll just be with me when you do it."

He was crying and it broke my heart. I was crying trying to wash away the pain. I couldn't go with him. I couldn't just give up who I was for anyone, not even him. He turned and walked away without another word. The last I saw of him was his mustang driving away.

*** NOW ***
I wipe away a few tears, hoping my makeup hasn't run. Rosa and Susan, my friends/head-seamstresses hug me and try to console me a bit.

"So, how is this supposed to explain your not going to the concert?

"I can't see him again." I say. I look at my hair falling in my face and my nails done just so. I had pretty French tips. I hated really long nails, but the French tips were short, shaped, and elegant on my long fingers.

"Girl, you're so thinking about seeing him again right now. We just need to shoehorn you into the dress."

Involuntarily I looked over at the rack next to my desk, "Oh no. There's no way I...no, it won't fit. I can't wear that."

the dress in question was a whim, and a not very successful one in my opinion. I'd made it out of this black satiny material that looked like liquid. the way it shimmered tricked the eye and I'd thought it would make a beautiful dress. The first dress I made didn't work so well. The shimmery quality of the material actually fought with the black and took it from a slimming garment to a bit of the opposite. In trying to fix it I'd added some boning and made it so that it would fit me like a second skin.

It fit, barely. The problem was that the fabric felt like liquid. It was deliciously, sinfully, sexy...and it scared the hell out of me. Sure, I'd had all of my surgery, and most people I met with on a daily basis had no idea that I hadn't been born female, but there were still moments when I felt like a fake.

That little black dress took all of those moments and yelled at the world saying 'I am woman, and I'm only sexy little...'

"I can't."

"Girl, you have to," Rosa says. She's like everyone's Latina Tia in the office. The funniest thing, to me at least, is that she doesn't speak any Spanish. I think she intentionally didn't learn the language as an act of teenage rebellion.

"Fine, I'll try it, but if it doesn't fit, that's it. You know I can't let that thing out."

They squeal like teenagers and laugh at me. Rosa was in her forties and Susan was in her mid thirties. They usually made me feel like a child at twenty-one. Today I felt like the only adult.

I quickly strip down to my underwear and slip into the dress. If flows over me and they help me with the hook and eye closures on the back. At some point, if it worked, I'd decided to put small black cloth covered buttons in the back. This would have to do. It had a small flap of cloth that covered the closures.

I had been so focused on what I hadn't done to the dress to finish it, that I hardly noticed how easy it went on.

"Dang, girl, you lost weight."

"You really piss me off right now, Aubrey. I'd kill to be able to fit into this dress."

I turn, shocked, and look at myself in the mirrored wall. They're right. I look sexy, and not skank sexy either. I look sophisticated and sexy and a little like a dominatrix, but not if you know what I mean. Maybe it's what it would look like if a dominatrix was a librarian maybe? Well, that's not really it either. I look sexy. I look...I look like a woman.

"Wow," I say, shocked. This dress is everything that being a woman is to me. It makes me look exactly as I picture myself in my head when I think of myself as a woman. It let's my little girl self out to play, but at the same time it is adult. It is contradiction in physical form.

"Now we have to find accessories that do that dress justice." Susan says with a gleam in her eyes. Rosa just claps her hands. I change back into my business suit, grab a swatch of cloth from the dress, and we head out to get some accessories.

A purse is easy. I get a faux leather with gold accents. It's real gold. Fashion has been good for me.

"You know this one with the fake gold accents looks just as good," Rosa says.

"But, I want him to..." I can't finish because I'm blushing.

"Drool over him like every woman in America did for that Rolling Stone spread."

"Yummy," Susan says with a smile.

My smile fades. "I think he got rid of the tattoo. I can't go there. He's trying to forget me."

"How do you know?"

I blush bright red, "I saw that spread too. You know, he got it on his left him and the way they had him covered by that sheet..."

"Are you sure? It could have been removed from the image..."

"Yeah, like that one rock star...what's his name. He had a port-wine stain over his heart that they removed from the photo."

A little flutter of hope passes through my heart, "Do you really think so?" I feel like a little girl when I say it and both Susan and Rosa just nod at me.

"Go with the cheaper bag. It shows you're frugal, but still have good taste."

I smile. We move to jewelry next, and the gold accents tell me what I'm looking for. I see a perfect pair of earrings. They're a couple of gold feathers on these fine little chains. There are three feathers per ear, each at a different height. They all hook into a stud earring. They're dangly and elegant and cool and I have to have them for the dress.

The only problem is they only come in 24k gold. They're a little pricey...I get them anyway. I see the perfect Louboutin shoes. They're the Lady Lynch style and they seem to be made for the dress. They fit my feet well. With a simple tennis bracelet in gold to finish out the look I'm realizing dropping two thousand on a bag would have been a little much. As it is, I still drop close to that much on the four items and I'm really feeling it.

It was worth it, though.

***
I'm fidgeting. I started getting ready so early for the concert that here I am, fully dressed, hair coifed just so, nude hose on my legs, shoes, bracelet bag and earrings. I'm gorgeous if I do say so myself, but I almost wonder if it's not too much for a rock concert.

I'd love for him to see me this way...but no. I strip off the hose. I pull out the pins in my hair and shake it out and mess it a bit with my fingers. I adjust my makeup from glamour to a little more Emo/Goth but with more color. Just like that I've gone from a night at the opera to rocker chic. I really love this dress. It seems to take queues from what you are wearing to define what it is. It really is the perfect LBD.

I slip the backstage pass around my next on its lanyard, and it seems to fit with everything else I'm wearing. I give myself an air kiss in the mirror.

The door buzzer sounds and I wonder who it could be.

"Hello?"

"It's Robert."

"Robert, I'm not going to the concert with you."

"But you are going, I know because you picked up your pass."

"Well, it would save me on cab fare, but you realize I'm planning on meeting someone there, right?"

"who, Michael Frontage?"

"Actually, we go way back."

There's silence on the other end of the intercom for almost a full minute. "Do I need to get a cab, Robert?"

"Um..no. I'll still give you a ride, Aubrey." He sounds defeated. When I get down to the curb and he sees me I see the air completely go out of his sails. I can tell he thinks I'm gorgeous.

"You're a good guy, Robert."

"But not good enough."

"Robert, there are things about my life you don't know. Things that might change how you react to me."

"Things Frontage knows?"

I smile. "Yes, things Frontage knows. If you really want to know, I can tell you. Promise me, though, that you'll just drop me off on the curb if it's too much for you."

"How could it be that bad. You weren't a teen prostitute or something were you?"

"Nothing like that."

"Then I can't see how it could be that bad."

"How about if I were born a boy?"

He's silent as he drives for a moment. He looks at me, in that dress. He looks at my legs.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Nope. I'm not. It's part of the reason that I've been distant."

"Frontage is the other part?"

"He left a long time ago."

"Because of this? Because of what you used to be?"

"No, because I wouldn't run away with him."

Robert deflates completely again. I think, for a moment, he actually hoped there was nothing between me and Michael. I put my hand on his arm.

"You are a really great guy, Robert, but I'm fighting through so much. I know I'm a woman, and physically that matches what's in my head. I just have doubts sometimes. It's hard, but I do."

"I don't think there's any doubt in that dress."

I blush and smile at him.

"Don't hate on the dress. It is an awesome dress."

"Oh, I love you in that dress. I'd love to see it hanging in the closet more..."

"Robert..."

"I can handle it, I think. I know who you are. So, you had an unconventional childhood. It's not like you sold your body for sex, or were a porn star, or any of the other ways in which you would have been with a lot of other guys besides me."

"You guys are so hypocritical."

"Huh? Oh, so not what you're thinking."

"What am I thinking?"

"That this is some 'do what I say, not what I do,' sort of thing. I'm a virgin."

"You're...oh. Sorry."

"You'd have no way of knowing, and that so could have been one of those things. No, I want someone as inexperienced as I am. Barring that I'd prefer someone who is relatively innocent."

"That's sweet," I say quietly.

"But not good enough."

"Robert, have you ever had that one girl who you regret letting go? The one person who you compare every other girl to? For me, Michael is the one who got away."

"You're that one for me, Aubrey."

I sit there unable to speak for a long time. He's literally taken my breath away with that statement. He's a good guy, and if I'd never met Michael...but I did meet Michael.

"I have to try," I say quietly.

"I get that. Please, Aubrey, at least consider me?"

I look over at him for the first time all over again. "Thank you for the ride," I say. I don't know how to act around him right now. He leans over the central console and hugs me. He's warm and smells like soap and old spice.

I get out and slip into the venue where the concert is going to be. I'm sure I'll see Robert later, or at least I hope I do. I mentally slap myself. I'm here to see Michael. Michael's the one who I want to see more than anyone...isn't he?

I meet a woman with mocha colored skin and short brown hair shortly after entering the building. "Aubrey Williams? Welcome to the Frontage tour. You'll be meeting the band in a couple of minutes. Before that, I thought you'd like to see the stage."

"Aren't there other passes?"

"Not for this show. Didn't Robert tell you? Guess not. I expected him to be here as well. As Robert designed the costumes for this tour we gave him one night where he would get to pick who got the passes. Something about trying to make it special for a very special lady."

I'm feeling less than dirt, and I want to call him and apologize, but I don't know if I'll survive the abject humiliation. He did this all for me, knowing I love Michael's music...

"Sorry, Loretta. I was parking the car. Hopefully you didn't start the tour without me?"

I turn to see Robert walking up. I want to cry. Suddenly I realize that even if this is a quixotic dream that I really don't deserve Robert. I thought for a while that he just didn't match up to Michael. I was wrong.

I waited for him to come up next to me and I put my arm through his and leaned my head against his shoulder.

I could tell that he was looking at me, but I sort of ignored him. I wanted this moment. I was a bad girl who just couldn't see what was right in front of her until it was too late. I'd take this one last date, close all my doors at once, and go off somewhere and become a nun.

Do the Catholics allow transgendered nuns? The idea makes me chuckle a little.

"What's funny?"

"Nothing. I might tell you later."

I hear his intake of breath and smile some more.

They've really decked out the stadium to the point that it almost feels like an opera house. It's amazing all the little touches they put into it. We wander around for a while, arm in arm, before Loretta takes us back to meet the band. I stand up and let go of Robert's arm. He sighs.

"This is Jamie, the drummer."

"Hi, Jamie," I say with a smile.

"Hello, Aubrey..." He has a strange look on his face. I think he notices my green and blue eyes. Yes, I have heterochromia. Michael sings a song about me.

"This is Kyle the Bass player."

"Hiya, Aubrey."

"Lin on guitar."

"Hey, Aubrey."

"Hello," I say with a finger wave.

"There's the man," Michael says coming into the room.

"Hi, Michael, how are you doing?"

"Better now. One of the costumes is popping a seam."

"Well, if you hadn't gained weight."

"Get a load of this guy? Do I look like I've gained weight?"

My heart drops to the floor. He did get the tattoo removed. He isn't wearing a shirt. His leather pants would show off the top of it at least. There's nothing there. He notices me staring and turns toward me.

"Who's the pretty...Aubrey?"

"Hi Michael."

"Wow...I mean really wow. You're...and...oh..."

"You're usually a much better wordsmith than this Michael. I've never seen you this incapable of using your tongue before."

He blushes a deep red color and I smile at him. This was a mistake. I'm looking for a way to get out of the room without embarrassing myself further when a diminutive bleached blonde bounces through the door. Jamie, Lin, and Kyle immediately look embarrassed and refuse to look at me. The blonde glomphs onto Michael. Then I notice the ring on her finger.

There's a ring on the ring finger of her left hand.

I can't breathe. Tears block my vision. I turn and walk away, not wanting them to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I should have expected it, but I held out hope...of what? What was I expecting really? Michael was a nice guy, defender of the innocent type. It was almost four years ago.

"Aubrey, wait."

"Go away, Michael," I say. At least I'm not sobbing.

"I never thought I'd see you again, Aubrey."

"I shouldn't have come. This was a mitake."

"It was nice seeing you. You look wonderful in that dress."

"Please, I'm not going to be the other woman, ever."

"That's not what...I'm sorry, Aubrey. You were right. I was mad for a long time, but then I realized that you were right. We were too young."

"It doesn't feel like I was right. If I'd never met Kylie…"

I begin to sob when he throws my own words back in my face. I feel someone wrap their arms around me from behind and try to shrug them aside. "Aubrey. It's me. Relax."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should never… I should have seen…"

"It's okay. If you want to leave, we'll leave."

"You have a costume to fix."

"Well, come with me then.

We walk back to wardrobe and get the costume. I laugh at the problem and show Robert a trick I learned on the dress I am wearing. It's a way to reinforce a seam without looking like you're reinforcing a seam. We get the costume done and he begins to lead me to the front.

"Can we stay to watch the show?"

"I thought you had enough of this."

"I've had enough of Michael. Doesn't mean I think his music sucks. Besides, I seem to remember a guy inviting me to a concert in a very romantic gesture. You wouldn't happen to know where that guy is? I'd really like to watch this concert with that guy."

"Well," Robert says putting his hand to his chin, "I think I could find him for the right price."

"What price would that be?"

"A kiss and a half."

I kiss him. I've got a smile on my lips. We break the kiss and I kiss him again.

"It seems you paid me a half kiss too much. Let me give you your change."

He kissed me, but this time, I felt like it was my first real kiss from Robert. My world changed with that kiss. He was kissing his woman and I was kissing my man.

"I'm sorry," he says. I'm a little dazed by the kiss and not really with what it going on around me. "For what?" I say when I can put two words together.

"I gave you too much change. You owe me half a kiss now."

"What are we going to do about that," I say with a little grin. I think I know the answer to that, but I want him to give it to me anyway.

"Well, I think we're just going to have to keep exchanging kisses until one of us ends up with half of one."

My heart melts a little. That's the corniest, sappiest, most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. My mind completely shuts off and all I can see is his little smile.

I can imagine the two of us in a different setting. He's wearing a tux. I'm wearing a beautiful white dress that I made for myself. That's the only way to get it perfect after all. Our friends and family are there. He's looking at me like I'm the last woman on earth. The reverend says words to me, asking me, in essence, if this is the man I want to be bound to forever and I say, "I do."

"What was that?" Robert says in reality.

"I do. I want to hang this dress up in our closet, and I do want to spend a lot of time with you. I do want to exchange kisses with you until one of us improbably ends up with half of one and then start the game all over again.

"I do want to watch this concert with you and only you. I do, Robert."

"Are you saying you want to marry me?"

He's dropped down on one knee. There's a ring in a box. I don't care that he's a hopeless romantic and that there was no way before this moment that I would have said yes to him. I don't care that I really came here to meet with Michael. I don’t care about anything except for this man and this ring and I look him right in the eyes and I say,

"I do."