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The difference between your future and the many ‘might have beens’ is often a razor’s edge difference that only in retrospect means a monumental change in outcome. My life had been planned out for me from birth. I went to the best schools, dated the best girls, and made all the proper appearances at all the right charity events.

I spent my hours away from school either in study for my courses or doing community service of one sort or another. Well, saying it was of one sort or another isn’t an accurate statement.

When I sat down to record my story, to tell people the person who died, I never intended to tell about this part of my story. It’s a common thread, though, between the person I expected to be and the one that I became.

Take a moment in time. When this moment was isn’t important. It’s summer, in the morning. I’m getting out of my white Porsche. Yes, the teen with brown hair and green eyes is me. He’s handsome in a vague sort of way. His khaki slacks and button shirt fit his frame well. He has a healthy look to him that has nothing to do with high priced spas or the other activities of the rich and idle..

The Porsche and the outfit are incongruous with the surroundings. They would fit in well at a country club or a top flight hotel. He’s standing on a cracked sidewalk next to a road that’s more pothole than asphalt. There’s a grin on his face as he walks up to a plain metal door embedded in a graffiti covered wall. The smell of chlorine assaults us the moment the door opens and the sound of children splashing and shouting can be heard.

He enters the small staff change-room and switches out of his street clothing and into a bright red lifeguard tank top and swim trunks.

His whistle is the last thing he puts around his neck. I can, even now, remember the feelings that those simple clothes gave me. It made me feel empowered in a way that almost nothing else in my life has ever done.

He walks out of the locker room and onto the deck surrounding the pool. The noises that are coming from the pool would seem to be those of pre-teens, but the bodies are definitely teen aged. He walks up to the person on duty and waves as he arrives.

“Hey, June, how are the kids today?”

“They’re impatient for their favorite teacher.”

“Andrew!” says a girl who looks sixteen but acts like she’s five. She runs over and hugs Andrew getting him soaking wet and he just smiles and laughs.

“Hello, Lisa. Miss me?”

“I missed you lots, Andrew. I haven’t seen you in years.”

He was here last week, but that doesn’t matter to Andrew and he doesn’t correct her.

“Are we going to learn how to swim, or what?”

“Swim!” shouts one of the boys from the pool.

Andrew hops into the pool and spends the next couple of hours teaching the teens how to swim. He’s exhausted when he finishes, but he’s happier than any other part of his life makes him.

“You’re really good with these kids, Andrew. You know that, right?”

“Yeah. I’m going to miss you all next year.”

“You’re parent’s still determined to ship you off to…”

This moment, this place and time, shaped who I was, shaped who I became.

When I left for college, going to the place my parents had dreamed for me, I was leaving the only real family I’d ever known. Those kids, children in bodies that outgrew their minds, were more of a family for me than the one I left behind.

I packed the few things I would be bringing with me into my first real moment of freedom into my car. A few changes of clothing, my laptop, tablet and cell phone, and the bits of paper or plastic that identified me as male, 18, and a citizen of the United States with the legal right to work or gain an education.

The sun was setting behind the trees on the campus when I pulled up in front of the dorms. It makes an interesting tableau, but I’m more interested in finding my room and beginning to settle in. Everything I’m bringing with me fits within a single bag. My parents were paying me to be here, so I could afford to buy a whole new wardrobe, new furniture, and so on. I just needed to decide who I am before I began buying anything.

I knew who my parents wanted me to be. Now I had to decide who I wanted to be.

The halls were deserted. There were the sounds of life coming from behind many of the doors, but with it being two weeks before the beginning of classes the people here were either pushing through and taking summer term classes, or they simply had nowhere else to go.

The door to my room was locked and there was no answer to my polite knock. I unlocked the door and entered. I was assaulted by the smell of stale air and dust kicked up by the movement of the door. There was only a single bed in the room, which I considered a little weird until I realized that there was only a single desk in the room as well.

“Oh, are you the new RA?” a voice said from behind me, startling me out of my reverie.

“Hm what?”

“The new RA. This is the RA’s room. We haven’t had one this summer and I was just wondering if you were it…”

“Is this a co-ed dorm?” The girl standing behind me was pretty in a girl-next-door sort of way. She was wearing men’s jeans, but a very tight ladies tee.

“What? Oh, this. No, I’m a guy.”

My jaw dropped and I just stared at her. “You’re a guy?”

“Yeah, I just like dressing up.”

“Are you gay?”

“What about being a cross-dresser would make you think I was gay?”

“You’re dressed as a girl.”

“I do it for the attention. It’s kind of nice when people notice you. I saw you looking at my chest.”

My face heated, but I wasn’t even tempted to look down at her blatant mention of her breasts. “Of course I looked, because that’s what you do with a pretty girl. You don’t stare, however,” I said with a nice smile. “Are you really a guy?”

“Yeah,” he said in a deep tenor voice that was at odds with the way that he looked.

“Too bad,” I replied beginning to grin, “because you’re really cute.” It was her turn to blush and I just laughed.

After she joined me I answered her original question, “I’m not the Resident Advisor, or at least not as far as I’m aware. I wouldn’t think I would be one, considering I’m a freshman this year.”

“Mr. Collins, so glad to see you here already. I’d hoped to be able to air out the room before you arrived. You made excellent time I see,” an out of breath voice said from down the hall.

I turned to see an overweight man in his fifties rushing down the hall. He was beaming at me as he rushed over, and he looked to have been running as he was completely drenched in sweat. I couldn’t even hold it against him as he was just such a jolly person.

“I’m Mr. Alderman, I know, an apropo name for a man in my position. I manage student housing. When we heard about your work with Forever Swim, we thought you would be perfect for this position.”

“I was just a part time swim instructor.”

“And your coworkers and supervisor all can’t stop talking about you,” Mr. Alderman replied, “You’re a special young man, Mr. Collins.”

“Lee, please. Just call me Lee.”

“Ok, Lee...Jared? You’re not hassling Mr. Collins are you?”

“Who? Him? It so happens he asked me out on a date.”

“Are you gay?” Mr. Alderman said, giving me a look that gave special emphasis to the word. For once he wasn’t smiling.

“I didn’t ask her for casual sex, Mr. Alderman. As long as she looks and acts like a proper young lady I would have no problem being seen in public with her.”

“But he’s…”

I stood up to my full six foot height, towering a good four inches over the ball of grease, “Mr. Alderman, as long as she looks like a woman, you will be good enough to refer to her as such.” There was steel in my gaze. One thing I’d learned from my time teaching those kids to swim was that it wasn’t right to belittle anyone, for any reason. this young woman maintained that she was simply a cross-dresser, and until she told me differently then that is what I’d assume she was. No matter what she believed, though, I would treat her as a woman when she looked like one, and like a man otherwise.

He swallowed and then tried to get his smile back, “your parents informed me that you would only be staying long enough to pledge to Phi Beta Kappa, and I figured that you’d be able to be the RA here until then.”

“Why doesn’t anyone want to be the RA here?”

“Haven’t you heard, Lee? We’re the freaks and geeks down here in F hall. The people no one wants in ‘their’ upstanding dorms are all banished here,” the girl said with a little smirk.

“So it is a co-ed dorm.” I said, again smiling at the girl. She began blushing again.

“Yes, but not on this floor. The bottom half of the building is for the guys and accessed with the south stairwell and the top half is the girls accessed through the north stairwell.”

I turned back toward Mr. Alderman and gave him a smile, “so, you figured that since I worked with ‘special needs’ kids that I’d be fine working with your...Freaks Hall?”

He turned a little green at my tone. I didn’t care for his attitude so I guess we were even.

“I don’t much like being considered ‘special needs,’” the girl murmured from beside me.

“See, she doesn’t like you treating her this way. I’ll be the boy’s RA if only to bring a little humanity in here.”

“Until you pledge for ΦΒΚ?”

“Until then,” I say with something that could pass for a smile if you were being charitable.

“Good, I’ll leave you to it then,” and with that, Mr. Alderman waddled stately away.

“So, do have any dressier clothes than these?” I said as I turned back to the girl.

“Why?”

“For our date? I plan on hunting out some of the choicer spots here around campus and it will require something a little more than jeans an a tee shirt, even if you do look very good in that tee shirt.”

Her blush belied her following statement, “I’m not really into guys. I told you that.”

“Neither am I, thank goodness,” I replied with a gentle smile. “I know, we haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Leonard Andrew Collins the Third. Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” I said offering my hand.

“You’re…”

“Yes, I am,” I said with another winning smile. “And you are?”

“Oh, Jared Kowalski.”

I just arched my eyebrow at her and she blushed again. She was obviously a little flustered and I found it really attractive.

“Fleur D’Alise”

I snorted at this. “You’re name is Fleur de Lis?” I said pronouncing it in the french manner. They drop final ‘s’es all over the place.

She laughed at that. “I didn’t even realize I’d done that. I need to change my name.”

“Don’t” I said with another of my patented smiles, “I like it, Fleur. So, meet back here at...8? That will give me 2 hours to scrounge something up myself.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re a pretty girl and I like spending time with pretty girls.”

“I’m not a girl,” Jared said. He changed his posture and dropped his voice into his normal register.

“When you dress and act like one? You are. If you act like a guy in a dress, then no, you’re not. Fleur, all you have to do is say ‘no’ if you really don’t want to go out with me.”

“I’ve already said no,” she said as her posture and voice went back to girl-mode.

“Nope, you haven’t. You’ve given me excuses and reasons why we shouldn’t date. You haven’t once actually said ‘no.’”

“No...you’re right. I haven’t...wait date as in tonight…”

“As in as long as you will put up with me.”

“You’re not gay,” she said, her mouth hanging open a bit

“And right now you’re not a guy,” I ignored the fact that she didn’t include herself in that statement this time.

She turns to rush off down the hall and I called after her, “you never gave me an answer.”

“Yes, ok? Yes, I’ll date you.”

Two hours was just enough time for me to visit the tailor that my dad provided me an introduction to. He was professional and while I didn’t get a custom made suit to order for the evening, at least I left in something that fit well and I looked good in.

The custom suit would be ready in two weeks time.

My room was still a bit musty so I opened the windows and got out a couple of rags from my bag to begin dusting down the surfaces. I’d just finished and sat down in the hard wooden chair in front of my desk when Fleur knocked on my open door.

“You know,” she said, playing with a curl of hair that hung down the side of her face, “if we’re going to be dating you might as well relax the whole segregation by floors thing.”

“Nope, not going to happen,” I said with a smile. and stood up. She was wearing a blue satin dress that bared her shoulders and back. The cut took it out of the prom-dress space, but she still looked like a princess in it.

“What did your room-mate think of you going on a date?”

“Didn’t tell him. I stopped by the third floor and a couple of girls I know there helped me out. This is Gabby’s dress actually.”

“Well, you’ll have to thank Gabby for me later then, because you’re beautiful.” She blushed and I offered my arm to escort her out to my car. After helping her into the passenger seat I got and and started the engine.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I like dating nice girls. That and the fact that I’m not looking for a physical relationship right now with anyone. I figure that you’re the perfect one to date. You’re not going to expect it to progress any farther than just dating, and neither am I.”

“What happened to treating me like a girl while I look like one?”

We came to a stop at a red light and I looked intently over at her, “Are you telling me that you’d have sex with me, right here, right now if I asked you to?”

“No,” she said and blushed bright enough that it was visible in the dim light.

“Then why are you upset?”

“Because I want to feel desirable, and you’re telling me you’re dating me because I’m not.”

“Fleur, the only thing keeping me from actually...ok, that’s a misleading statement. Jared knows how it is: Guys have a tendency to think about sex...a lot. I’m sure girls do as well, but guys get the rep for doing it all the time. That dress makes me think about sex. It makes me wonder what you’d look like wearing nothing but a smile as the moonlight plays across your skin. You are desirable.”

“Oh,” she says softly and then giggles to herself, “sorry. Are you sure you’re hetero?”

“Reasonably.”

“Only reasonably sure?”

I laughed and just focused on my driving for a bit. I could tell she was watching me, which made me feel...something I wasn’t prepared to explore. My GPS told me I’d reached my destination so I pulled into the parking lot for a reasonably upscale restaurant.

“Tell me something,” I said as I turned off the car. “Why do you do this? Why do you dress up?”

“For the attention.”

“That can’t be all of it.”

“I like messing with people’s minds. I love to see how they react when they find out I’m really a guy, and have been all along.”

“Have you ever kissed a guy?”

“Yeah, a couple of times. Never really got into it though. It never felt really right.”

“I can see that.”

“I don’t think you can. It’s not about it being a guy or a girl I’m kissing. I’ve kissed girls who never did it for me either.”

“While dressed?”

“Once or twice,” she said with a smile.

“And?”

“It was the same either way for me. If I like the person, then it is a wonderful experience. If I don’t really like the person, then it is sort of blah.”

“That sounds more like girl than guy to me…”

“Tell me about it. No, I’m a guy, I know I am. This isn’t just some sort of put on where I’m trying to convince myself. If I wanted to transition, my parents would support it. They even let me dress at home for years. I went to therapists and such and finally came to the conclusion that I love to wear women’s clothing. A bit of it is fetishistic.”

“Meaning you get off doing it?”

“Sure...I love being desired, and being desired really get’s me hot.” She realizes what she’s said and she blushes a deep red. I laughed at her in a jovial manner and eventually she joined in.

“yes, I admit, that you’re making me horny right now.”

“Well, I’ll make sure you have ample time to take care of that before classes tomorrow.”

“I appreciate it,” she replied with a throaty growl.

I took that as my cue to get out of the car and walk around to her door. I offered my hand and helped her to stand. The night was a little chilly so I offered her my jacket as we walked across the lot. We were seated quickly, it being mid week, and we talked about a lot of inconsequential things until about one in the morning when they kicked us out.

I dropped her off at her door and it was almost physically difficult to pull myself away without giving her a kiss. I settled for a hug and then retreated to the safety of my room.

I’d never actually gotten her phone number so I had no way to call her, and she didn’t make an appearance at my door the rest of the week, so I did the best I could to put her out of my mind. When monday rolled around and I still hadn’t seen her I stopped by her room to see if she was alright.

A guy who looked vaguely familiar answered the door.

“Lee?” he said in a voice I recognized from even the few times that I’d heard it.

“Is your roommate in?”

“Not currently, why?”

“I wanted to know you were alright. Sorry, I shouldn’t have done this.”

“You were looking for Fleur, weren’t you.”

“Yes, I was, because I can’t stop thinking about her, I mean you. you’re in my mind all the time, and I’m afraid of what it might mean.”

He laughs in a sort of relieved way and I just look at him questioningly.

“Dude, I know exactly what you mean. Only for me, every time I’ve seen you around the dorm it makes me want to go get changed and seek you out.”

“This is weird.”

“Why?” he asked warily.

“Because I can see some of her in you, but with how you look now, it’s more of a bro thing going on. We share a lot of interests.”

“Just cause both of us like obscure anime titles that are only available with subtitles doesn’t mean we have anything in common.”

I laugh and he joins right in. There’s a difference to the way he laughs. It’s more open, more free, while he’s a guy. There always seemed to be a front to him, a point beyond which he wouldn’t go while he was being a girl and the realization broke my heart. He really was a guy. Fleur wasn’t real and no matter how much I wanted her to be, it would always just be a front, a costume.

“What’s wrong?”

“I think I’ve fallen in love with a fantasy,”I say softly.

“So have I,” he said in his Fleur voice and I hug him.

“We can still hang out, right?” was the first thing out of my mouth when I let him go.

“Possibly, but I need some space to get my head on straight, Lee.”

“I get that,” I replied softly.

The next week went quickly. Being an RA is a lot like teaching those kids how to swim, and I laughed every time that I thought that. Mr. Alderman knew what he was doing when he put me in here. Even though I was one of the younger kids in the hall, the very fact that I was living in the RAs room meant that I had authority over them.

Mostly it was dealing with petty disputes and keeping the guys and girls segregated after 10 pm. Once in a while I was their confessor or their therapist, but thankfully those moments were few and far between.

I don’t know about other schools, but the first week of classes was greek week. After visiting all of my monday classes and picking up the syllabuses for each of them I made my way over to the Phi Beta Kappa house. There were a number of boys lined up outside while some of the older brothers yelled at them as if this were boot camp and not some hazing ritual.

Well, almost like boot camp.

“Those pants are most definitely not Ralph Lauren. How do you expect to fit in here if you can’t even find a decent knock off?”

I had to laugh as I walked up to the house.

“Something funny?” The guy who was screaming at the pledges asked?

“I seem to remember you not knowing the difference yourself not three years ago, Remy.”

“Do I know you?”

“Leonard Andrew Collins the Third”

“Trip?”

“Mostly go by Lee nowadays, but yeah.”

“You pledging?”

“Of course I am. My father would have a buffalo if he thought I was even considering not pledging his fraternity.”

The other boy laughed and then his face got serious. “Then get your pretty princess behind in line, Trip, before I have to come over there and frog walk you into position.”

I leap into action and put myself at the end of the line.

“Princesses, this here is Trip. He’s a legacy. Six generations of Collins’ have been members of Phi Beta Kappa. He doesn’t get special treatment, so you shouldn’t expect it either.”

I stifled a laugh and looked suitably cowed while Remy continued to rail at us about how poorly turned out we were. Jared appeared out of nowhere after about fifty minutes and began making faces at me while we were standing at attention. We weren’t supposed to move a muscle while the frat members yelled at us, dumped stuff on us, and generally made asses of themselves. There was a crowd of people who were taunting all of us as well. One of my ‘tormentors’ noticed Jared in the crowd and called out, “If it isn’t the Queen Bee herself. Why don’t you come on over and give these guys a kiss?”

Two of the other guys grabbed onto his arms and began dragging him over. I stepped out of line and walked over to them. “Let him go,” I said quietly.

The boy on the left turned with a smile on his face which leapt for cover the moment he realized how close I was, and how much bigger than him I was. The resulting expression was somewhere between shock and abject horror.

“Get back in line, Trip. Let them take care of the fairy.”

“Remy, Jared here isn’t one of your pledges. You can do whatever you want to us because we signed the waiver. Jared on the other hand hasn’t signed your waiver. Unless you want the school shutting down the house, then I suggest you back off.”

“Who’s going to tell them what we did? Even if the little queer rats us out who will listen to it over us?”

“They’ll believe me over you, considering that I’m an RA and what are you? A random frat member?”

He began to laugh a bit but then he realized I wasn’t joking. They released Jared and he opened his mouth to say something and then he saw my expression and shut it with a snap.

I walked over and took my place back in line as if nothing had happened. They started to focus on me, but I let it all roll off. This was only temporary after all and nothing they could say could compare to anything I’d had to endure at home.

It was a sore, tired, and smelly version of myself that finally dragged into my room at two in the morning. I didn’t realize anyone was in my room with me until I smelled her perfume.

“Hi,” Fleur said shyly.

“Fleur? What are you doing in my room?”

“I waited for you. What you did for me today...no one has ever done that for me before. People are willing to accept me for one side or the other. They make assumptions about me. I dressed like this for you, as a thank you.”

“Fleur, thank you, I appreciate it, but I’m too tired not to do something I regret.”

“Then let me properly thank you,” she said and she was in my arms and kissing me before I could say another word. My body reacted to the feel of her and the smell of her and my pants were painfully tight almost instantly. My breathing raced along with my heart and I could feel her breath push past our lips almost as forcefully.”

“Wow,” she said when she broke the kiss.

“Yeah,” I said a little dazed.

“You really stink.”

I laughed and swatted her on the behind as she slipped out of range. I wasn’t as tired anymore so I got my shower stuff together so I could wash the funk off my body.

School was simple enough for me, it being early days yet, and the hazing was nothing more than the first day. The numbers of pledges slowly dwindled until we got to the final induction ceremony on Friday. We were blindfolded and marched all over campus, or so it felt, in our underwear. We could hear the other students laughing at us, but each of us knew that this was almost over. We were about to be part of something bigger than ourselves, even if I really wanted nothing to do with it all.

Having something to throw back in your father’s face, to prove you were living the life he wanted was worth the humiliation for me by itself.

“Before we continue, I need to know if any of you have bad reactions to nanotech?”

There were murmurs of no from the other pledges and I just shook my head. The ripped the blindfolds from our eyes and holographic torch light almost blinded me for a moment or two as my eyes became adjusted to the light. There was quite a crowd around us and a row of bottles without labels on them.

“Trip, step forward!”

I stepped forward and Remy tossed a tee shirt at me. It was in a ladies cut.

“You’re going to want this in a moment.” I pulled the shirt on. It was tight, as if it was a size or two too small. They handed me a potion that seemed to be purple in the dim light of torches which meant it was likely blue.

“So you can join the other half,” Remy said only to be joined a moment later by a chant of “Drink it!” from the crowd.

I downed the potion and walked back into line. One by one the other pledges took their potions. I began to feel a little weak in the knees and my chest felt tight. I said something like, “I don’t feel right,” and then the ground leapt up to hit me. Pain like I’d never known before pounded at me from all directions and I began to scream. People began running around and some of them pulled out cell phones. My heartbeat began to slow even as I began to feel way too warm.

“Lee?” I heard a familiar voice say and I was picked up off the ground as if I weighed nothing.

“Hey, Fleur,” I said looking up into her beautiful face. My heartbeat slowed even more and I could feel it pounding at the inside of my chest. “We have to stop meeting like this.” or at least that’s what I wanted to say, but the world was going black, tunneling in on her eyes and I’m not sure she heard was I said.

The last thing I heard before everything faded into the darkness was, “Don’t leave me. I love you.”