Ellen always told me that I needed to manage my temper. Oh how I wish I had learned to listen to her.

“Dad, I need to talk with you”

I looked around to see my son Samuel. I was so proud of him. He had just graduated from High School with honors and now had a full Engineering scholarship to my alma mater. So I put down my tablet, and motioned him to the couch.

“What's up Sammie?” I replied.

Sammie took a deep breath, and then said the impossible. “Dad, I have decided not to take the scholarship to State. I know you want me to follow in your footsteps, but it is just not who I am.”

Those words turned my vision red. How dare he be ungrateful for all I had given him. The scholarship was the crowning touch. If he did not want to go to school, then he was not my son.

“Sammy, did I hear you correctly? You are not going to State?”

I watched him nod meekly.

“So you are throwing your life away! Well, not in my house you don't.” I stood up and looked down on him. I was almost a foot taller than my son. Unfortunately, he took after his mother; size and all.

Sammie replied, “But Dad, there is more to it than that, won't you listen?”

I shouted, “No, I will not support any foolishness. It seems that you have made your decision so I expect you to leave by the end of the week.

I watched as the tears came to Sammie's eyes. His dark green eyes now looked more brown. As if the life in them was flooding out with each tear. But I held my ground. That is what men do. And I watched him leave the room.

That night, I realized what I had done and realized that once again, I had spoken words I did not mean. At least by now, Sammie should understand that. I have always been that way. I get angry, and say the wrong things, and eventually I will come around. It would wait until the morning.

When I awoke the next morning for work, I peeked into Sammie's room, but he was not there. The bed was made up as if it had been un-slept in. His laptop and a shelf of books were missing, but otherwise everything else seemed to be in place. I thought he had just tidied up and left early. Then I saw the note on his desk.

Dear Daddy,
Oh so long I have wanted to call you that, but was too afraid of your response. Now that I can, it leaves a hollow feeling inside. I am gone. Do not look for me because Samuel no longer lives. No, do not worry, I have not killed myself. I have a rich life planned out ahead of me. I had so hoped that you would want to share it with me, but I have lived so long as a shadow of who I was that I cannot take with me those who wold not accept my true self.

Do not look for me. I am gone for good.
Your loving daughter,
Sammi

After Sammi disappeared, Ellen and I searched for her, but she had vanished without a trace. Ellen left me shortly after. It was the last straw for her. It was only then that I realized I had been wrong about my anger.

Being forgiven for the horrible things I said was a grace. One I had lost. I have learned to reign in my anger. Only it does not matter now. I have no one.

This shell of a house just makes it worse. Sammi's room has not changed. It stands as a reminder of the child I never knew I had, and how I lost her before she could even speak. And worse of all, the emptiness reminds me how I killed my son. But there is no one to say good bye to. No body to see and  understand  that life has ended. Just the sadness in my heart.