I was just complimented by a very nice young man on the street today.
That can be a validating, life-affirming moment for any woman my age, let alone a trans one. A reassurance that a man still finds us desirable. It was just the thing I needed, in light of my recent struggles.
I turned and said, "Thank you...." and then my heart sank.
He looked at me oddly, and my first thought was, He knows! Dammit, he knows! I realized, for one thing, that I hadn't shaved that morning, and cursed myself for stopping electrolysis. (I can only afford to do it once in a while). My voice, which I'd managed to maintain in an acceptable female register all that morning, dropped just slightly. Nerves tend to do that to me.
He continued on down the street, looking back at me as he went. He waved, but it seemed nervous, tentative.
Therefore, the compliment he gave me was entirely negated in my mind. He wouldn't have done it if he saw my face first, I couldn't help thinking. I was looking away from him. He'd never have given me that compliment otherwise....
One of my online trans friends, ever the cynical New Yorker, told me once, "if you didn't start living as female at a very young age, you don't pass. None of us do....the people around us are just being polite. They know what we are."
So come the questions, questions I'll probably never be able to answer:
Did he know immediately, and was just being polite?
Did he not know, only to find out when I turned and thanked him? Was he repulsed by me? Was he confused? Both?
So instead of being in such ecstasy that they'd have to put guy wires on my wheelchair to pull me down, I'm instead on the verge of tears. And wondering if my friend is indeed right.
Comments
Are they just being polite?
I think that he was confused. There are genetic women who have facial hair
May Your Light Forever Shine
Being polite?
In general, you are perceived as you present yourself to be. Therefore, you must prepare to be seen at all times. The list of 'never do this' and 'always do this' can be extensive. However, they must become habitual. And, in general, if you present yourself to the best of your abilities, and never get 'out of character,' you will succeed. If so, the second looks you receive just might be looks of desire or admiration. :-)
Red MacDonald
I figure they are being polite in my case
too darn Canadian to say anything, even when I come out of a change room in a ladies swimsuit or use the ladies washroom.
Learn to own your space!
Gosh, I wish I could tell you that going to girl mode is as simple as throwin a way your pants. And, frankly every one of us post ops who've been out a while will tell you something different, so I'll tell you what I think. I've been out 8 1/2 years, and post op by 5 1/2 years, did Lazer on my whole body. My face was gray, so the lazer didn't help much there, so I still shave every day, sometimes 2 in a pinch. They will tell you never to shave against the grain, but for some reason, I have always gotten away with it.
For some reason, I stopped going to the support groups, and why I can not say. Some will say I was lucky, but from the time I got outed to living full time as a woman was about a week or so. For me it was "Do or Do not". For me, that time felt like a tragedy. Every single person in my life OFFED me. So anything I will say is from that experience. There was no process, nothing gradual at all.
One of the things I experienced really soon was to lose the "deer in the headlights", oops got caught stealing, I'm an impostor look. Of course, I live in Portland, Oregon so it is legal for any T person to walk right into the women's. Now, don't be goin in there and perving. Get your stuff done and get out. Even now, I am not always easy about working on my face in the women's like so many women do, though I have done it and been fine.
So, when you leave your house, clean up the best you can, shave, and do your makeup (Minimally) and then make believe that you are acting the part, and you are going to be so good at it that no one will know. Look other women in the EYES, and smile. No lookin at the boobs, except to quickly scan the competitions whole body.
Good luck. Fix Bayonets!
G
By coincidence, I...
...will be going to have part of my beard lasered in a few days (they finally have a special on laser treatment that I can afford). Like yours, part of my beard is gray, so I don't know how much success I'll have. But they can get rid of enough dark hairs that this situation is unlikely to occur again.
I don't often wear makeup, except on special occasions or to my support group meetings. I take my cue from the women around me, and I don't see many with makeup, except for those who wear it on the job. Perhaps I should be wearing it more often....
What really galls me is that I've been full-time for fourteen years, and I'm still making rookie mistakes.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Sorry, no insult intended.
The other night I was sort of bemoaning the idea that I've never had my butt pinched. Can you imagine that, never!
Just be happy you got the complement. :)
You hang out in the wrong
You hang out in the wrong bars, that's your problem :)
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.
I've never had my butt pinched either
ah, well.
I've had my butt pinched...
I've had my butt pinched, but I wasn't en femme at the time so it probably doesn't count.
I can think of only one person who might want to do it when I am... (you know who you are)
Lisa "don't pinch and tell" Danielle
Does anyone ...
... male or female, trans or not, actually want their backside pinched by a stranger? I couldn't in my wildest dreams (nightmares?) imagine myself abusing a stranger like that. Perhaps I'm too shy? There is only one person whose bum I'd pinch and we've been a couple for over 45 years :)
I realise that laser treatment works best when the hair is dark but wouldn't it also work on grey patches if they were dyed before treatment? I have zero experience and just curious.
Robi
I can't imagine....
...any cisgender woman wanting that--it was one of the things my mother complained about when she visited Italy, in fact--but our insecurity is such that we look for validation from anyone, anywhere. I know that if I get whistled at, I'm actually flattered, though I might initially look around to see if another woman is nearby....
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Laser treatment
Unfortunately dying the hair wouldn't help. The laser works because the hair follicle (root) has cells that produce melanin pigment that colors the shaft. The melanin in these cells absorbs the laser light and heats up enough to injure the follicle. Dying only colors the part of the shaft above the skin. Laser works quite well on people with dark hair and fair skin, not so well on anyone else, and pretty much not at all on grey hairs.
I know....
...that's why I'm trying to get as much lasered as I can, before it all turns gray. The less I have to get off through electrolysis, the better. The last time the electrologist saw me, she didn't even want to work on me, as she feared I'd fall off that reclining seat she had.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
there
are those who don't know how to act and those that do. you caught him of guard and it shook his idea of what a female is. don't be upset you are who you are a bright honorable girl trying to make her way in this crazy fucked up world.even tho i have never met you or seen you i give you my compliments and hugs for being just who you are..... YOU!
rues
Whatever you do
do it confidently, people are far less likely to challenge someone who acts or looks as if they know what they're doing and that they have every right to do it.
Angharad
True enough,
Other people who have read you do not want to look foolish if they are wrong, so they will continue as if they saw nothing.
The compliment was real, but my guess is when you spoke he read you. Nothing to be done for it IMO, except savior the compliment. It was real.
I have been making the local TG meetings. Out of 25 girls, only one has a voice I could not tell wasn't right (it was perfect), and about 10 or so ambiguous voices. The one with the perfect voice was not great in other ways, but I suspect the voice alone would make almost anyone back off and doubt themselves, it is a strong convincer. About 5 or so are trying but don't have it down, and the rest are not trying. Physically, about 10 or so pass completely, they are not pretty, but they look completely feminine. Walking down street no one would have a clue. Another 10 are in various stages of transition, and do not pass because they are a work in progress.
Of the several who physically pass they dress in such a way to give minimal clues, or are just plain blessed. The former is the route I'm going to have to take I'm afraid. We can't all be pretty. I haven't started anything yet, my first goal is weight loss, and it is going to take a long while. So mean while I can work on other things, like my voice and hair removal (though I understand HRT helps with some hair removal), and trying to get my health to a point where I can take HRT and surgery when/if the time comes. That and learning how to wear a wig like it was my natural hair.
The TG meetings (in Dallas the group is GEAR) I will cross dress in the meetings to accept feedback that is open and honest without being hurtful. I'll spend my days dreading the day I do come out, I know and understand there will be consequences, but it is not a choice. For anyone who is TG it is never a choice, judging by some PM I've gotten here I don't think everyone here on BC realizes that. I don't take it personal when it happens, that was me 10 or 20 years ago. Odds are, their time is coming and they don't realize it yet.
I said this once, but just to restate,
Yes, it was real.
Is there a way....
to upload an audio file here? Since I don't see any that's obvious to me, I've uploaded to divshare a recording of my voice, to give you folks an idea of how I sound. I dearly hope it was not the voice that gave me away, since you have no idea how many years I've spent working on it. Here it is: http://www.divshare.com/download/18582890-17b
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
No can do,
It is a private file.
I'm just starting to work on mine. I read the fiction how easy it is, it ain't.
Your picture is a bit small, but you look good in it.
I'll "un-private" it....
I made a mistake. I wanted to keep other people on Divshare from listening to the file, but I prevented everyone from doing so. I fixed it so it's now accessible.
As to my picture, I don't have a good close-up image that really shows my face at 80 pixels by 80 pixels, and I'm a bit shy about showing it here anyway. I fear that online friends who don't know I'm trans will link me to this site, and I'm not quite ready to come out to them.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
I didn't like the recording as it was, so....
I uploaded a slightly edited version of it. The new recording is here:
http://www.divshare.com/download/18585000-77a
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Been there
I find it happens less often over time, and seems to bother me less as time goes on too, but I've suffered similar reactions and had the same self-doubts.
My favorite trans-activism blogger, Natalie Reed, had some interesting and, for me, helpful thoughts on the subject recently: Conceptual Gendering
The gist being, no, they are not just being polite.
Oh, and...
This post on trans-women's body image issues is pretty applicable too. Maybe more so.
There are lots of reasons for odd looks
You might have reminded him of someone
You might have had a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth
You might have had a bee sitting in your hair
He might have been embarrassed at the encounter
He might have been wondering if he should have asked you out
Don't assume the worst, just think how great it was to get a compliment.
Speaking for myself
and not having read the other comments, I will say this:
I do not live for other's desires and wishes for me, but for those I set for myself
I do not care for their praise or their disdain, but for how I treat others
I do not strive to please others, but to live for all the tomorrows
For, in the end, it is I who will bear the memories of love and sorrows
It is great to have validation from others, but if you have it in you to love who you are, what others think, say, or do, means naught
/hugs
Diana
Alternatively
Perhaps I could add the one thing that nobody else has mentioned so far?
Perhaps he complimented you because he is in the same position! Maybe he is a person with TG tendencies. For those of us who are TG it gives you a certain sensitivity about others around you who might be the same. So far I haven't left the house dressed but when I'm in the high street I occasionally get "narrowed-eye" looks because of my hair style and my behaviour. Even though I'm in 'man mode' people can see something else there and they can't quite decide what.
Perhaps this chap looked at you and thought, "one day even I might look as good as that".
Penny
Sensitivity to other TG people...
That's another possibility, Penny.
And I know what you mean about wondering what other people think about you. I'm totally closeted. As far as I know, only my mother and one brother know about my "feminine side". I have neither the confidence, natural looks, nor the money to go out en femme. As far as I know, the world sees me as a "regular dude". But I do wonder sometimes if I give off some unconscious signs of my inner self that I'm not aware of. And I don't just mean grabbing fashion magazines to read in the doctor's waiting room (Hell yeah, I do that. Sports or car magazines bore the crap out of me). I wonder if other people somewhere on the TG spectrum pick up on something about me when I'm out and about. Teegeedar? (That's terrible, Lisa...)
I also wonder if I react differently to other TG people. Consciously, obviously, I'll be more accepting of them, polite or even friendly to them, etc. But I think I'm too caught up in "how does everyone else see me" to worry about how I see everyone else. Maybe most of us are...
The only time I'm aware of meeting another TG person (other than a few I've met from online) was about 15 years ago when I was taking some adult courses and there was one transitioning woman with fairly masculine features. I didn't interact with her a lot, but when I did, I tried to treat her like any other woman. Since then, I have wondered a time or two since if she sensed anything about me, or was just too caught up in worrying about how everyone saw her to spare a thought about me.
God, we're a neurotic bunch. *smirk*
LDL
Don't be sad
You know, this reminds me of what happened to me today.
A customer, with her little brothers and sisters were at my outlet trying to pick up colouring books and sticker books for her little brothers and sisters. I was bored doing stock processing and I heard someone called 'miss' over and over, quite persistently that I actually took notice. Then the voice turned to say 'mister' over and over, quite persistently that I turned around and looked at this customer. Then this customer, seemingly unsure what to call me, went on to switch between 'mister' and 'miss'. It was quite funny and I had to run off to the storeroom just to laugh.
She didn't exactly say 'miss' or 'mister', but that was the closest translation I can come up with for malay's 'kak' (big sister) and 'bang' (big brother).
A similar thing happened about 5 minutes later. He was trying to confirm the price of a magazine, when he came up to me from my left and addressed me as 'miss' (kak) and 'mister' (bang) alternately.
This time, my coworker was sitting next to me and she had to cover her mouth with both hands because she was about to laugh out loud.
People can't seem to make up their minds whether I'm a man or a woman. There was even this one time when I was waiting in line to go into a club that my butt got groped consistently by a lech behind me. When I told him to keep his hands to himself, he asked, "You're a guy?" LOL, that was so funny.
Then again, I'm asian. Until a certain age, a lot more of us are pretty androgynous compared to caucasians.