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The Legal Stuff: Bears Know Best  © 2012 By Tiffany Shar
 
This is a work of fiction. Names, Characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright  © 2012 By Tiffany Shar. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission.
 
 
Preface
 
It's been a while since my readers have heard from me, and I know that this isn't the book that they expected to be next. The Standing Up to Life series will be concluded, but I had reached a writers block with the series and needed to take a break. Bears Know Best has been that break, and I hope you all will enjoy it!

Like the first three books I posted here on BigCloset, I will be posting a full copy here on BigCloset. I will be posting it up in 28 installments, but that may change if I feel like a posting needs more. The book has a total of 35 chapters and a short epilogue. The full version should be completely posted by September. For those that cannot wait however, I have an e-book version of the full book available from Lulu.com as of today. You may find it at My Store. My assumption is that the majority of my readers would be more interested in this edition of the book rather than a hardback or paperback. There are two types of eBooks available depending on how you wish to read it. One is the ePub format that you should be able to load on any e-reader (you may need an additional app, but I believe all will read it), and the other is a standard PDF formatted file. I believe the PDF is the best way to read it on a computer screen personally. If you enjoy this work perhaps you will consider supporting me by purchasing it ($8.95 for the eBook formatted files).

Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy reading Bears Know Best!

Dedication
I would like to thank and dedicate this novel to the countless authors and authoresses whose tales I have read online. They have given me hope and helped me to understand myself more than anyone else could. Knowing others are out there is probably the biggest source of strength that any of us can draw from! I would also like to thank all of my readers who have given me such great feedback over my previous novels. I hope you will enjoy this new work!

Finally, a big thank you especially to Carla for all of your hard work in editing my long novels!
 
 
Chapter 4: Maybe Not

I WOKE UP to the sound of my phone’s alarm at six forty-five, and dragged myself out of bed. My typical jogging clothes consisted of a pair of black running shorts that were fairly short, and a white short-sleeve, Under Armour compression shirt. I’d been jogging and training in similar clothes for as long as I could remember. I took a moment to put my ponytail a little higher up on my head before heading downstairs.

Mom was eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast, she looked up and her mouth froze for a second. She recovered quickly though and said, “Do you want anything to eat before you go out?”

For a second I wondered what had shocked her, but I knew it was the shirt. It was showing something that I had been trying to ignore since the day I fought with Rachel. I’d already been on edge because of that when she had started in on me about my hair. Since she seemed okay with ignoring what she saw for the moment I replied normally, “No,” and held up the Power Bar I had just about finished for her to see, “I don’t normally eat a lot before I go out. It makes it harder to run,” I added.

I filled a water bottle at the sink with cold water. I was just about to step out of the kitchen area into the hallway when she called back, “Taylor, how long do you think you’ll be out?”

“I dunno,” I started, “It depends on Alyssa. I usually go out for about an hour or so,” I added.

“Okay,” she said, before adding, “I’ll be here when you get back.” She gave an odd pause before adding, “Have a good run!” Her voice sounded stressed about something — I was pretty sure I knew what though.

I briefly debated about going upstairs and putting a different shirt on, but knew from experience that I preferred running in this one. It was already pushing ninety degrees outside when I left the air-conditioning and saw Alyssa just coming out of her front door too. She bent down to tie her shoe laces before looking back up at me. She had a quizzical expression on her face for a second before saying, “You ready?”

“Yep,” I told her.

The two of us set off jogging along a sidewalk leading towards a nearby park for about ten minutes side by side. Our pace was slow enough as we jogged that we were able to do some idle chitchat. “It’s been a while since I’ve been out jogging,” she admitted to me.

“You said you do aerobics and cycling mainly?” I asked.

“Uh-huh,” she said. “My dad, mom, and I do a lot of riding normally,” she told me.

“Like mountain bikes?” I asked.

She shook her head, “Road bikes,” she paused for a breath, “we ride each weekend usually, and do some races.”

“Are you guys good?” I asked.

“Dad used to be what’s called a category two racer, but he’s slipped back a bit since he wasn’t as serious. Mom does it more for fun than anything, but she’s won a few races over the years too.”

“And you?”

I glanced over and noticed she was kind of flushed, but I didn’t know if that was the running or not. “I do pretty well, I’ve won a few races this season,” she said.

“So I have a feeling you’re ‘pretty good’ at cycling like I’m ‘pretty good’ at horn,” I asked.

She blushed, I could tell this time, and said, “I guess so.”

We talked about her cycling for a while, and I learned why I didn’t see any cheerleading stuff all over her walls like I would have expected. “I did it through last year, but I hate the cattiness of all of the girls. Plus, the practices and performances took up a lot of my time. I just about made myself insane trying to keep up with everything.”

“I guess I can understand that.” I replied.

We kept the pace fairly light all the way through till we got to the park she had guided us to. Every now and then we saw someone that she recognized and she waved at them, but we didn’t ever stop to talk. As we turned back towards home she said, “I’ll have to get you out on a bike with me at some point.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to do something with you that I’m better at,” she said with a smile. “You’re holding back right now aren’t you?”

“Kind of,” I admitted.

“Well, show me how out of shape I am,” she replied as she increased her pace and her stride to pull ahead of me.

I laughed a bit and increased my pace to overtake her. I had a much shorter stride than her, but I had a lot more speed. I didn’t want to completely leave her in my dust though, so I didn’t take off completely. I ran up to the sidewalk where we had started and turned to see her running behind me out of breath. In the meantime I was sweating, but could have pushed it a lot faster. No reason to make my new friend hate me though…

“So not fair,” she told me while gasping, “I’m almost a foot taller than you and you can outrun me!”

I just laughed a bit.

“Do you have a bike?” She asked me with an evil gleam in her eye.

“Not here,” I smiled at her, “and I only have a mountain bike back home.”

“Hmm...” she mused. “We’ll have to do something about that. Anyway, I need a shower, you want to come over after lunch and hang out at my place?”

“Sure,” I told her.

As I walked in the door I was kind of surprised to see my mom still sitting in the same place as she was earlier. “Did you have a good run?” She asked as I put my water bottle down on the counter.

“It was fun, I didn’t run full out though,” I told her.

She smiled at me, “Glad to see you got at least some speed from your dad.” She hesitated before saying, “Umm… Taylor, I have something I need to ask you about…”

‘Crap,’ I said to myself. ‘I know where this is going…’

“Actually… two something’s,” she said. She walked over beside me and said, “I can’t help but notice right now that it looks like you have…” she had probably spent the last hour trying to decide how to say this, and I decided to help her out.

“Breasts growing?” I said with my face going red.

“Yeah,” she said. There was a really awkward pause for a moment. “How long have they been growing?” she asked as she led me to the couch and sat down next to me.

“About four weeks that I’ve noticed,” I said in a small voice, I could feel tears streaming down my face. I’d been hiding this since I discovered the small bumps, and had been terrified of talking to my dad or Rachel about it. It’s not that I thought Dad would be unsupportive; I was just really embarrassed about it. Rachel hated my looks as it was, and I worried she’d really be mean about it. I’d settled for wearing baggy shirts most of the time, and done my best to deal with the discomfort of the buds with Benadryl cream and calmed myself by learning about the condition online. Supposedly it wasn’t that odd for boys to grow breasts during puberty… Of course the fact I’d first noticed them on the day I’d fought so bad with Rachel was probably part of why I’d gone off on her.

“Is this part of why you chose to come live with me?” She asked while putting her arms around my shoulders and drawing me closer into her.

“Uh-huh,” was about all I could get out.

She rocked me in her arms for several minutes saying reassuring things. I felt so ashamed of everything, but also more secure than I’d felt since she’d left me years ago. Once I managed to get my heaving and tears under control she grabbed a glass of water for me. “First things first,” she told me, “I want to take a look and see how much you really have grown.”

I nodded, and by silent agreement we went upstairs and away from the windows in the living room. Once we reached my room I pulled my sweat-drenched shirt off. I watched her eyes and knew that it was just as bad as I’d feared. She prodded gently a little bit and asked if it hurt, “A little, mainly my skin keeps itching.”

Mom nodded and gave me another hug. She kissed the top of my head, “Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll see if I can get an appointment for the doctor.”

“Don’t you need to go to work?” I asked.

“I don’t have anything scheduled for today that I can’t get done tomorrow,” she told me with a smile. “Besides, even if I had something really important, you’re more important than anything else.”

I bit my tongue to avoid starting to cry again. I had dealt with some serious abandonment issues with her over the years… it made me feel loved to have her say that. I grabbed a set of clothes from my room and went across the hall to my bathroom. I showered and did my best to continue to ignore the issues that were growing larger every day. The girls at school definitely had larger breasts than I did, but I knew that they were much larger than a boy should ever have. At the same time I knew developmentally I was way behind the boys my age, which didn’t help things at all.

I stepped out of the shower and attempted to avoid looking at myself, instead just getting dressed as quickly as I could. I took the hair dryer my mom had thoughtfully left on the counter and used it and my brush in conjunction to dry it faster. I felt self-conscious as I looked at my reflection in the mirror and imagined that anyone who didn’t know better would assume I was a young girl doing her hair.

‘What is so bad about that?’ I asked myself, not for the first time. I knew I had some major issues and my body just kept taunting me. I finished brushing my hair and tied it back behind my head in a low ponytail again like normal. I sighed as I looked at my face, it didn’t help my self-esteem that I didn’t even have peach fuzz on my face. I pulled my shirt tight to my sides and watched as the offending bumps showed. ‘No wonder everyone thinks I’m a girl…’ I thought to myself. ‘Although I had been doing a really good job of hiding them up until today… Why in the world didn’t I wear a different shirt?’

I didn’t know the answer to that question. Maybe deep down I had wanted my mom to notice. I couldn’t just come right out and say, ‘Hey Mom, I’m growing boobs!’ In a way though, I guess I had done that. I wanted to crawl back to my room and hide, but I knew it wouldn’t do any good. I took one more look with my shirt pulled tight and loosened it back up. They weren’t sticking straight out anymore, but they were still noticeable to me.

I went downstairs to find my mom talking on the phone. “You have a space in thirty minutes?” She was saying, “Okay, we’ll be right over there, thanks Anna!”

She looked up as she pressed the button to hang up. “That was my doctor’s office, I got you an appointment for today, but we need to leave now,” she told me. There was something in her eyes that made me think she was just as scared about all of this as I was.

“Okay,” I answered before walking back upstairs to grab my phone. After that we went to the garage, climbed in her car, and took off for the doctor’s office. Mom suggested I have a seat while she went up to the receptionist to sign me in. I could probably answer all of the questions better than her, but I listened to her. She’d been cool enough to not start screaming at me this morning about it.

She brought back a stack of forms to fill out about my past, and I was impressed that she was able to answer the boxes without asking me. Somehow Mom seemed to know about every little thing I’d been through in the past few years, including a couple notes about my last few doctors’ visits checking up on my lack of a growth spurt. She did ask about a couple shots that she wasn’t sure if I’d had. I remembered having a few of them, but one I told Mom to leave a question mark next to. Mom took the clipboard back up to the receptionist and returned to sit next to me.

I had my iPhone out and decided to text Alyssa.

‘Hey, this is Taylor,’ I told her. I thought I had given her my number, but I wasn’t sure if she’d programmed it in or not.

‘Hey, wassup?’

‘I’m at the doctor’

We continued texting back and forth so I could let her know I wouldn’t be over right after lunch like we’d planned. I didn’t tell her the specifics though. I had a feeling she would guess, but that wasn’t something you discussed via text messages! I knew I would have to at least tell her something when I saw her later, assuming she didn’t ambush me about the big issue first.

“Taylor?” A nurse asked as a door opened to go to the back of the doctor’s office.

My mom and I stood up and went back with her to an open alcove down the hallway. “Please take your shoes off and step on this scale,” she directed me. I watched her slide the weights back and forth, before it balanced on sixty-two pounds. ‘Great, I lost three pounds since my last doctors’ visit.’ If I was a normal weight for a thirteen year old boy that might not be a problem…

She had me sit down and checked my blood pressure, pulse, temperature, and wrote down numbers that were within the norms for all of those. “Okay Taylor, let’s get you into a room,” she told me. The nurse led us to a room and handed me a hospital gown, “Please change into this, remove all of your clothing please,” she said politely. I was surprised she hadn’t asked me about the nature of my visit, but given Mom calling the doctor earlier I suspected she already had it written down.

‘This is so embarrassing,’ I told myself as I changed into the gown. Mom had been polite enough to step out for just a minute while I stripped. She came back in just before the doctor.

“Hi, I’m Doctor Moore,” the middle-aged lady introduced herself.

“I’m Taylor,” I said stupidly. ‘Of course she knows that.’

She made a bit of small talk with my mother and I before she got down to business, “What brings you both in today?”

“Umm… I’m growing breasts,” I told her.

She raised her eyebrow and looked at my chart again. I could picture certain facts leaping from the page at her, ‘Male’, ‘Age 13,’ ’62 lbs,’ ‘4’ 7”.’ I watched her face twist a bit, and she asked me to lay down on the table. The next ten minutes were beyond embarrassing as she touched, prodded, and examined the lumps forming on my chest. She also began examining my genitalia. I thought she prodded around down there more than up top, and her face didn’t look any less concerned as she asked me to sit up.

“Taylor, I need to ask you a few questions that are going to be kind of embarrassing for you, but I need honest answers,” she told me.

I nodded. “Your mom can leave if you want,” she told me. A part of me wanted to say I wanted that, but she was my mom after all.

“It’s okay, she can stay…” I told her.

I saw mom smile reassuringly at me before turning back to Dr. Moore. “I don’t think your testes have ever descended, is that correct?”

“No, the doctor back in Atlanta claimed it wasn’t time to be worried about it though. I might just be a late ‘bloomer’,” I told her.

“Have you ever had an erection?”

‘Gah, now I see what she meant about embarrassing!’ I thought to myself before saying, “No, I haven’t.” She looked at me as if asking if I was telling the truth or not. “Really,” I told her.

She asked a few other questions about my diet, exercise, and finally had a nurse come and draw blood. After the nurse was done she asked, “Taylor, have you ever had an ultrasound, or anything done on your abdomen?”

I shook my head, and felt my eyes open wide, “No… Is there something seriously wrong with me?” I asked, feeling more than slightly panicked now.

“I don’t know,” she told me. I appreciated the fact she didn’t lie to me. “You should have begun to grow and develop male secondary characteristics by now. I can understand why your doctor decided to wait before becoming more concerned six months ago, but I think it’s time to start checking out possible reasons why you aren’t developing.”

I hung my head down a bit, “Will it hurt?” I asked in a small voice.

“No Taylor, not at all. If anything it’ll just be a little bit cold. I do have the equipment down the hall and would like to go and run one now if you don’t mind.”

I sighed, “If you think I need it.” I told her.

“Give me a few minutes to get the room and the equipment ready,” she told me.

Mom came over and held my hand, “It’ll be okay sweetie,” she told me.

“Should I call Dad yet?” I asked her. I was really scared at this point.

“Why don’t you wait until we know if something is actually wrong,” she suggested. I wondered if she was panicked that he would try and take me back home if something was wrong. I gripped her hand tightly all the way down the hallway to the machine. I was genuinely freaking out. Four weeks ago I’d started noticing I was growing breasts, and now I had a doctor that seemed genuinely concerned with all of the evidence put together.

The doctor pulled a blanket over me to attempt to give me some modesty as she put the very cold device over my abdomen. She watched the screen without comment, but a couple raises of her eyebrows made me clutch my mom’s hand all the more. I noticed a time code running along the screen, and guessed that meant she was recording the sonogram. She put a bit more jelly on the device before running it over my lower parts as well, and then turned the machine off. She helped wipe the disgusting jelly off of me, and then led me back to the first room.

“Ms. Redding, why don’t we give Taylor a few moments to change, and then we’ll discuss where we go from here.”

As they left the room I had a feeling she had something she didn’t want to tell me without warning my mom first. ‘Do I have cancer?’ I asked the room as I took my time putting my clothes back on. I sat down on the table and hugged my knees to my face as I waited for the two to return. I didn’t wait long before a courtesy knock rang at the door and they both came in.

“Taylor, I don’t know any way to make this easier to hear, but I have some concerns about what I saw on the sonogram.”

“I have cancer don’t I…” I said while fighting back tears.

“I don’t think so Taylor,” she said, “but it is serious in its own way.”

‘Not cancer? Well that can’t make the news bad, can it?’ I asked myself.

“Taylor, I want to have you see some colleagues of mine at The Cleveland Clinic check you out more, but I think that you may be growing breasts for a reason.”

“Huh?”

“Taylor, it’s not common, but in rare cases a boy may end up having girl parts inside of him…” she started while watching my face, “and it’s also possible for a girl to have boy genitals form in the womb as well.”

“You mean I’m a boy with ovaries and a uterus, or I really am a mixed up girl with a penis?” I asked shocked. I felt like I should be crying now, but I didn’t know what to make of this. I did really well in biology in school, so I could sort of grasp at what she had seen.

“Something like that,” she said with a friendly expression. She took my hand, “Taylor, you’re in no immediate medical danger that I can see, but this is something we need to get to the bottom of. I’m sending those blood samples off for a variety of tests. I also want to do a swab for DNA testing before you leave.”She gave me a prescription for an ointment to put on my nipples to help with the irritation. She continued on for about ten minutes before having to move on to other patients after doing a swab inside my cheek.

“Hang in there Taylor,” she told me with a smile.

Mom signed me out of the office, paying the deductible on my appointment and the procedure, before we walked out to the car. “I’m scared Mommy,” I said, reverting to what I had called her before she left me in Atlanta.

“I know honey, I know,” she told me as she hugged me and let me cry in her arms across the drivers’ console of the car.

WHEN I EVENTUALLY stopped sobbing, we drove away. Mom had found a bottle of water somewhere and handed it to me. I guzzled it down greedily, and decided I should call and tell Dad.

“Hello, you’ve reached Jake Landt. I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name, number, and a message, I’ll get back to you when I can.”

After the beep I said, “Dad, it’s me… I have something I need to talk to you about, could you please call me back as soon as you get this? Thanks.”

Mom reached over and grabbed my hand to give it a squeeze, “He’s probably working with those kids.”

I nodded. She drove through the streets and I looked numbly at the clock on my iPhone. It was already two in the afternoon. I hadn’t eaten a real breakfast, and it was way after I normally ate. “Mom is there some place we can stop and eat?” I asked.

“Burger King work?” she asked.

I just nodded and stared off through the window. I’d been getting called a girl or a sissy for a long time. I had learned to mostly let it blow over and go home to cry. My dad loved me a lot, I had no doubt about it, but I knew it bothered him to at least a little extent that I wasn’t growing up to be a man to follow his footsteps. Rachel had of course made her position known to me about everything too…

But what if the problem wasn’t that I was a terrible boy… Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a boy? I mentally looked down below and had a hard time believing that it’s possible those parts were a mistake. Sure they didn’t seem to work right yet… but they could, right?

What if the parts inside me were the ones that were supposed to work…?

“Do you want to get the food and take it home, or eat here?” Mom asked gently. I think she was probably just as freaked out at the moment as I was, but she smiled and tried to make me feel better.

I shrugged, “Just take it home?”

“Okay,” she told me. She ordered what I wanted and something for herself, before driving back home.

I managed to eat half of the Whopper and the French fries before I couldn’t eat anymore. My bedroom sounded like a safe sanctuary, but before I could make an excuse to go upstairs the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it,” I told Mom. It was an excuse to leave the food at least.

Through the peephole I could see Alyssa standing outside, looking anxious. I opened the door, “Hi Taylor,” she told me with a smile. She hadn’t known me for more than two days, but something in my expression was enough to give her instant insight that something was wrong.

I could see her face flicker in recognition of that fact for a second before I said, “Hi Alyssa, come in.”

I knew she was going to want to know what I’d been to the doctors for, and I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t want to tell her around Mom. I led her down the hallway so I could see Mom at the kitchen table. “Mom, Alyssa and I are going to go upstairs to my room to talk,” I told her.

“Okay Taylor, are you finished with your lunch?” She asked in reply.

“Oh… umm… yeah,” I told her. I felt bad that I hadn’t finished, and moved to clear it.

“Don’t worry about it sweetheart, I’ll take care of it,” she said.

“Thanks,” I said.

Alyssa and I went upstairs and I sat down on my bed, trying to decide what I was going to tell her.

“So what’s going on?” she asked hesitantly.

I sighed. “I think you probably figured out the reason for the doctors visit this morning when we went jogging.” I pulled my shirt close to my body for effect, “I’ve noticed that they’ve been growing for about four weeks, but I haven’t said anything to my dad, step-mom, or anyone about them.”

She nodded, “After I had finally decided that you were telling me the truth, that you were really a boy, I have to admit I was thrown again from that.”

“Tell me about it…” I sighed and looked down at my feet. We had both sat down on the floor, the carpet was pretty plush, and were facing each other. I had my arms around my knees, clutched to my chest, and I had to admit I wasn’t exactly sending boy signals anywhere.

“So, is it just you growing boobies?” she asked with a smile, trying to make me smile.

“I had hoped it was that simple… and I think that’s part of why I wore that shirt today, was so Mom would see them. It’s not exactly easy to go up to your mom, who you’ve barely seen over the last eight years, and say, ‘Hey Mom, I’m growing breasts!’” She snickered a little. I wanted to glare at her, but it was sort of funny.

“Wait, you said you hoped it was that simple?” She seemed to be suspecting other problems.

“Yeah, I hoped.” I sat in silence for a moment, and being an incredible friend she didn’t say anything to close the noise gap. I went on after a moment, “The doctor said it’s not uncommon for boys to start developing breasts during puberty. But, she asked me a lot of other questions that made her start to worry.” I paused again. Alyssa grabbed my hand to hold it in support. I just gave her a weak smile.

“I’ve never developed… elsewhere… and never had any sort of… umm… normal boy things happening…” I hoped I didn’t have to say anything more there. She nodded in understanding, “So she decided to run a sonogram on my abdomen and down lower.”

I found myself biting the inside of my lip now. She looked at me with concern in her eyes, and so far at least she hadn’t freaked. “So did they find something?” Alyssa asked me gently.

I nodded and could feel the tears streaming down my face, “It looks like I’m a true freak, it looks like I have a set of ovaries and a penis…”

She gave me a hug and I found myself crying in her shoulder. Mom walked in to check on us at that moment and hugged me as well.

I’M NOT REALLY sure of how long we remained like that, only that the vibration of my iPhone and the sound of it ringing brought me back to reality. I wiped my nose and eyes with my shirt really quick and answered my dad. ‘What am I going to tell him?’ I asked myself.

“Hi Dad,” I told him weakly.

“Taylor what’s wrong?” He asked with concern in his voice. I never left voicemails for him, and the strain in my voice as I answered told him there was something serious.

“A lot,” I said. I didn’t really know how to tell him this.

Mom must have sensed this, because she said, “Taylor, why don’t you hand me the phone?”

“Dad I’m going to have Mom tell you,” I said like the coward I was.

Mom took the phone from me and began speaking to him. I was sort of surprised she didn’t leave the room for it, but I appreciated her staying in the room.

“Hi Jake,” She said politely. I could only hear her side of the conversation. “Umm… I don’t really know that I can break this any easier than Taylor could have. This morning he went to go jogging with a friend from next door. He was wearing one of those form fitting Under Armour shirts. When I looked at him I saw something wasn’t quite right…” she seemed to think about her next words carefully, “He looked like he had breasts,” she finished.

“I know, I couldn’t believe it either,” she told him. She went on for a while and filled him in on her taking me to the doctor, and what she had said. “We’re going to be going in for more tests later this week or next week,” she told him. They spoke for a few more moments before she handed me the phone back.

“Taylor, I’m so sorry I’m not there right now,” he told me. “I should have noticed before you left, why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, not angry, but clearly worried.

“Dad, how would you have felt going up to Grandpa and telling him you were growing boobs?” I could picture my dad’s face as he thought about that.

“Not very comfortable,” he admitted.

“And I couldn’t tell Rachel… she already thinks I’m a sissy…” I trailed off. I really did try to keep from treating her like the wicked stepmother when I spoke with him. The two of them really did love each other, and she wasn’t that bad — most of the time.

“No she doesn’t,” he said.

“Well maybe she was sort of right… Dad…” I didn’t know how to ask the question.

“Yes Taylor?”

“What happens if I’m really a girl?” I was really concerned about what he would think then.

“Then my child that I love so much, will be my beautiful baby girl then,” he told me. I sensed he was making an effort on the words, but I knew he meant them. “Well, not so much of a baby,” he added.

“I’m scared,” I admitted.

“Don’t be, it’ll work out, I know it will. Do you want to come home?” He asked. I know he probably hoped I’d say so.

“Not really Dad, I’ve made a really great friend,” I said squeezing Alyssa’s hand, “and I want to give Conneaut, and Mom a chance,” I added.

“If I need to I can come up for a few days to go to the doctor with you,” he told me with concern.

“No Dad, it won’t do either of us any good — and you need to be at that summer camp, those kids can learn a lot from you,” I added the last part, firmly believing it. There was silence for a moment, before I heard a whistle being blown. “Dad if you need to get back to practice go ahead — I’ll talk to you more later.”

“Taylor, I love you very much. I know that we’ll get through this, don’t worry about it. I guess I’ll talk to you later. Let me know if you need anything!”

“I will, thanks Dad, I love you too,” I finished and hung up.

I could feel fresh tears coming out of my eyes, but I needed to get in control of myself. “I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll be back,” I told Alyssa and Mom.

“I actually need to go into the office for a few minutes; will you be okay without me?” Mom asked.

I nodded, “As long as Alyssa can hang out,” I suggested towards her.

“Of course Taylor,” Alyssa said with a smile.

I went across the hallway to the bathroom and stared at my red face. I looked awful! I pulled down my zipper and made to pee, and found myself wondering what it would have been like to be born without it. ‘I wouldn’t be able to stand and pee anymore…’ I thought aimlessly to myself. I finished up and hid the confusing appendage in my underwear, washed my hands and face, and then went to find Alyssa back in my room.

“So…” she started, unsure of what my emotional state was, “what do you want to do?”

I just shrugged, “I don’t really know. I’m so confused about this stuff that I’m afraid I won’t be much fun for anything.”

She seemed to think for a second, “Taylor…” she paused, as if wondering if she should ask me, “I was wondering…” she paused again.

“Just ask me,” I told her.

“Could I see them?” she asked tentatively.

It didn’t take me long to guess what she was asking to see. “I guess,” I said tentatively. I pulled my shirt up so she could see.

“Wow,” she said amazed. “Those are bigger than I thought they were this morning,” she said with a smile, before I pulled my shirt back down, ashamed. She hugged me.

“Taylor it’s okay, and there’s nothing wrong with you there,” she told me.

“What is your definition of nothing wrong with me?” I asked her.

She didn’t answer.

I sighed, “I just don’t know what’s going on. Everyone has thought I was a girl for most of my life when they’ve seen me… you certain thought it when you met me.” I added. “Then finding out that I may actually be a girl, well it’s scary,” I admitted.

“Why is it so scary to be a girl?” she asked me.

I was dumbfounded. “Because, I’ve grown up thinking I was a boy,” I admitted.

“Any other reason?” she asked.

I shrugged, “I wouldn’t know how to be one.”

“You’d just have to be yourself!” she said.

I sighed, “Probably.”

She stared at me for a moment, and I could see the wheels grinding in her head. “I’ve got it,” she said.

“What?” I asked.

“Come on, let’s go to my house,” she told me. I was in no mood to go anywhere, but at the same time I didn’t want to be alone so I followed her out.