Just like Mary

Janet L. Stickney

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The leaves were falling, littering the ground, my efforts to rake them into a pile futile. With the breeze continually spreading the pile around, I finally gave up and went inside. My dad was still working on his painting, the young girl laying on her back, her white tights, shoes and dress starting to take shape. Dad made a wonderful living as an architect, but his real passion was painting. There were several of my sister and myself hanging in the familyroom in fact. He had even sold a few, he was that good. I sat and watched him for a bit, then went to my room to play on the computer. About an hour later, dad came into my room.

"I wish your sister Adele was here. I just can't grasp the face!"

"Use one of the other paintings dad. You have lots of sketches of her don't you?"

"I tried that, but you know that I do best when I can see the model, the sketches aren't helping me find the right facial features or expression I want!"

"Maybe Mary could do it for you? I could call her and ask if you want."

"That's a great idea! Call her, then let me talk to her mother, will you?"

"Sure dad."

Both Mary and her mom said it would be okay for her to act as dad's model, and made arrangements for her to be at our house the following Saturday. Mary was in my class at school, and I had known her since we started school together. Now, at age 14, I was beginning to see just how pretty she was, and my feelings towards her began to change from one of being a good friend to maybe more. On Saturday, wearing the dress and other stuff that dad had bought for her, she lay there on the mat looking up, changing her face as dad directed her. I suggested that he take pictures of her just in case, but he said no, and kept on making sketches. Since this was going to be his biggest work, almost six foot by four, he said that he wanted to do it just like the old time painters did, with a model. He and Mary were in there for a long time, then she went home about four that afternoon. Because dad always worked in pencil before he actually added the color, the canvas was a tangle of curving lines that merely blocked the area and general shape of the dress and girl he wanted to paint. He seemed satisfied, and looked forward to having Mary return so he could continue, but that didn't happen. He got the call on Tuesday. Mary had come down with the meningitis! Knowing that she would be out of it for a long while, he seemed angry at first, then resigned himself to finding another model. After a few days of that….

"Danny, this isn't going to work. Mary is not available, and any other girl I might use will always have something better to do. That's why I always used Adele! She was almost always here! I need someone I can count on! This painting is going to take months if not close to a whole year, and I just can't see Mary or any of her friends being able to do it for that long, do you?"

"I can ask around dad, but…"

"Thanks, but…I was thinking that maybe…you could be my model?"

"Me? In a dress? Oh no! Not me!"

"Why not? It's not like you're going to go anywhere! There's just the two of us here, and about the only difference between you and Mary is that she has longer hair!" I was shocked that he would ask me, and started to back away. "Danny, it's just a thought! I won't force you to do it of course, but it would be a big help, and I'll really appreciate it."

I ran out of the studio and into my room, slamming the door quickly. All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind, but the one that stuck out the most was when I wondered if he had found out that I had been dressing up in Adele's clothes! It was harmless, just a thing I did once in a while! With Adele gone, and her bedroom just like it was on the day she disappeared, I had plenty of things to try on, but I only did it when dad was at work, and even then, I never left my room! Never! I sat on my bed staring at the wall. Adele had left for school one day but never arrived, and after a very long search, we all knew that she was gone. Adele was 14 at the time she ran away from home. That was almost three years ago. When she disappeared, and when the reality that she wasn't coming back set in, my mom sort of mentally dropped out, and eventually dad had to put her in a place where they could help her, so it's been just he and I ever since. Now he wants me to be his model, for a painting of a young girl under a tree looking at the sky!

If I said I would do it, would he find out that I had been dressing up? Would the face in the painting actually be mine? Would someone recognize me? I dearly wanted to do it, but how? How could I say yes without sounding eager, and would I be able to get myself dressed in the outfit he had bought for Mary? I kept peppering myself with those kinds of questions, many of them more than once, but deep down, I knew. I knew that I wanted to, and probably would, be his model. Only I had to make it seem like I was only doing it for him, or else he might find out that I liked it. Dad did not mention it again for almost a week, then he brought it up again, casually, sort of off hand, but he made it clear that I was his first choice, and added that he could make sure that he altered my face just enough that nobody would recognize me. Having thought about it a lot, I decided I would do it, but didn't say it. Instead, I nodded my head yes. Dad merely smiled, then suggested that he ask my Grandma to help me get ready, since she had lots of experience helping girls get dressed and looking pretty. That caused a lump in my throat, but I didn't say no, which is how I found myself in my room that Saturday morning with my Grandma.

Since the dress was a billowy mass of white layers, I figured all I would need to do was wear the tights, dress, a wig, and some makeup, but those thoughts were dashed when Grandma handed me the panties and told me to put them on. Then came the tights and white shoes with the low heels. She did my makeup for me, then placed a flowing blond wig on my head. Figuring that was it, I reached for the dress, but she stopped me, holding out a bra! In her words, "all girls your age have developed at least a little, so you need it." She put it around me, stuffing the cups with some rolled up socks, then she slipped the dress over my head and affixed the straw hat to the wig, just before she used the lipstick on me. I couldn't help it, but under the dress my tiny manhood was struggling to ruin everything! Trying hard not to let things erupt, she and I walked to the studio, and after dad saw me and quit staring, he posed me. For some reason, dad became very animated, and started work right away. By the end of the day he had started doing the color. That night, about five, he called it quits, and we all had dinner. I had cast aside that silly hat, but I sat there in that dress eating dinner, and nobody said a word.

Grandma came again the next day, making sure that I knew how to get everything on, do my own makeup, and get dressed, all on my own. She told me that she might not be available when I would have to get dressed again, so I would have to know how to do everything. After that I would pose for dad once or twice a week. After three months of that I was real good at getting dressed and doing makeup, and the painting of the girl was almost done, which meant that the times he needed me began to grow farther apart. That also meant that I was back to hiding when I got dressed up. Dad was at work and I was alone, so I put on the panties and bra, then the white tights, but a tan and white skirt with a white pullover top of Adele's and the white heels. Alone in my room, I was safe from prying eyes and unkind remarks, which let me relax and simply enjoy the feeling, just like always. I was sitting at the computer playing a game, my stereo a little loud, when the door to my room opened, and in walked my dad!

"What's going on here? Why are you all dressed up Danny? Stand up." I did, but I was scared to death. Obviously shocked that I was dressed up, he paused, then said, "For the moment let's not talk about this, but I want you to come into the studio. I have something to show you."

I followed dad into the studio, still wondering why he wasn't busy making me miserable after finding me dressed like a girl, but then again, he seemed very preoccupied, and until we stood in front of the canvas, I didn't know why. He had not let me see the work, he never did, until he was done. As I stood there watching, he yanked the cover away, and I saw it for the first time. It was fantastic! But it was me, and even I could see that. Dad had told me he would alter my face, and he did, a little, but it still looked a lot like me! The girl in the painting didn't look exactly like me, but it was very close! I didn't mention it right then, but I was concerned anyway.

"Well?"

"Wow! That's really good dad! It's your best I think!"

"Stan thinks so too. I showed him the photographs of it, and he wants to have a showing of my work! Think of it! I'll be the featured artist! For the first time!"

"Cool! Maybe you'll become world famous dad!"

"Maybe, but there is one thing I have to talk to you about, and seeing you…all dressed up, maybe…"

"What's dad?"

"I didn't tell him you were the model of course, but he wants to have the girl in the painting there. He says it will add a certain reality to the painting. I told him I would ask, but as before, I won't make you do it, although to look at you, it seems that you have come to like dressing as a girl anyway. So, how about it? Want to go?"

"You're not angry at me?"

Dad sat on his stool and looked at me, then told me that he wasn't angry so much as disappointed. Then he told me he had always known about my dressing up, but since I had kept it private, he figured it was because I missed Adele so much. He also told me that while he knew about boys that liked to dress as girls, he had not thought that I was one of them, not until I started posing for him. He said he could see it in the way I walked and posed for him. It was in my eyes he said. I had no idea that he knew what I had been doing, but there certainly wasn't any way to deny that I was still dressing as a girl, after all, I was standing there in a skirt! But going out in public? That gave me the willies just to think of it! I had barely found the courage to leave my room, and he wanted me to attend a showing? With all of his friends there? And what about everyone else? What if they knew it was me? That I wasn't a girl?

"I can guess what you're thinking" dad said, "and you may be right. Everyone we know will be there, and if you're dressed as a girl, they'll know, won't they?" I nodded my head yes. "What if we asked your Grandma to help you again?"

"They would still know dad. I'd better go change."

I went to my room and quickly put on my own clothes and washed up, but the damage had been done. Acting as a model was one thing, dressing as a girl on my own something entirely different; yet my dad didn't yell or anything. Maybe he was so excited about being selected as a featured painter that he forgot to yell at me for being dressed up. Whatever it was, I decided that I would have to be a lot more careful in the future. That was on Tuesday. On Friday when I got home from school, my Grandma met me at the door. Surprised to find her there, I followed her into the kitchen. The smell of fresh baked cookies filled the air, and moments later, a plate full of my favorites were sitting in front of me.

"We have a dilemma Danny. Your father was concerned when he found you all dressed up the other day, but you know that already. I also know that he had been asked to present his model at the showing, and he was confident that you would say no, until he saw you dressed as a girl that is."

"But he said that he knew that I was…that he didn't care!"

"Oh, he cares all right. He's afraid honey. Adele disappeared when she was 14, so he is afraid that if you are getting dressed up, and given the way you look, that you might also disappear! He couldn't take that honey. It's just that, even though he isn't particularly thrilled to find out that you like dressing up, and is terribly afraid for you, he's really being pressured to have you be at the showing. I know that he finally told Stan who you were, but that didn't change things. Stan had showed those pictures around, and now, some of the most influential people in the art world are coming to see your fathers work. What that means is that they will also want to meet the model he used. Now, your father and I are not telling you that you have to do this, it's just that we both think that you can, if you wanted to anyway. If you agree, I'll help you become the girl he needs you to be, and nobody will ever know."

"But all of dad's friends! They'll be there, and they know me! I'll be…they'll laugh at me!"

"Maybe someone will, but I don't think so, and in fact, I'm willing to bet that you're all wrong about that." She paused a moment, then…"I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal. You let me help you get all fixed up, then we'll go to dinner somewhere, and if nobody recognizes you as a boy, then you'll have no reason not to go to the showing. If someone does say something, then we can call it quits. How's that?"

"I…I…I've never, what I mean is, I never left the house before!"

"Then it'll be like an adventure, won't it?"

"And dad doesn't care?"

"He cares a lot honey. In fact, he did everything he could so that you wouldn't have to be there. I don't think he likes the idea of you dressing up when you're not posing for him, but you did, and he saw you, didn't he? Now he feels like it's his fault for having used you as a girl model. He told me that while he suspected before, he thought it was because you were trying to get close to Adele; that you missed her so much. But you and I, we know the truth, don't we? You like to dress up as a girl, and it doesn't have a thing to do with Adele. Your father, as much as he doesn't want to have you out in public as a girl, is in a bind, and now that he knows for sure that you've been playing dress up anyway, he also thinks that he has to at least let you try it, so you can find out if it's possible for you to be put in public. It's up to you, he and I both agree on that, but since you and I both know that you like dressing as a girl anyway, I think you should consider it. You looked quite lovely in that white dress you know."

"Aren't you mad at me Grandma?"

"Mad? No, I'm not mad at you. You're my only grandchild Danny, and all I want is for you to be happy. Do I like the fact that my grandson wants, and probably likes, to be dressed like a girl? No, but if it doesn't hurt anyone, and if dressing up makes you happy, it helps your father, and I can help, then I will. There are lots of boys that like to dress as girls, and they grow up to be happy well adjusted people, if they get the chance to be themselves that is. Now, what's it going to be? Shall we turn you into a beautiful girl or not? Shall we give you the chance to be yourself?"

In the end, I agreed to let her try her best. While I was in the shower, she was rooting around in Adele's closet to find just the right thing for me to wear. Twenty minutes later I was standing in my bedroom wearing just the panties, looking at the clothes Grandma had set out. Since I had not started shaving yet, I didn't have to worry about that as I sat on a chair and let Grandma work on my face. It didn't seem to take her long, and I expected her to pull my hair back and pin it in place before she pulled the wig on, but she didn't do that. She used a blow dryer, a round brush and some hairspray to create a more feminine hairstyle using my own hair. Then she watched as I got dressed. It felt very surreal to me as I sat there pulling on the pantyhose. One, my dad was supposed to yell and shout at me, maybe even let me have one up side the head for dressing as a girl, but he didn't do that. Instead he actually needed me to do it! Then there was my Grandma. Why she didn't throw a hissy fit when she found out is beyond me, but she didn't seem to blink an eye either, and was actually trying to make me look pretty! Because of what had happened, before, when I got…excited, I turned around and fixed things so that I looked more like a girl, hoping that would control things. Then I reached for the small bra.

Only an A cup, it was just right on my small frame. I once again used the rolled up socks, then stood there as Grandma slipped the dress over my head and began to button it up. Basically white, it had small lilac flowers on it, with a lace trimmed white collar. The belt matched the dress, and gave me sort of a shape once I fastened it. I stepped into the white heels, then Grandma clipped on some small white earrings and handed me a pale red lipstick. It wasn't my favorite color, but I used it, surprised at how my face looked when I saw myself in the small mirror. When I was done, she took me into my dad's room and stood me in front of the mirror.

"How's that?"

"It's…I look…"

"Yes dear, I know. You look like a girl. As long as you don't walk like a truck driver and watch how you use your hands, you'll be fine!"

Overwhelmed at the way I looked, I spun around and hugged her tightly, unable to actually tell her just how I felt. For the first time ever I really looked like the girl I had always wanted to be, and it was wonderful! At that moment I quit wondering why it all happened, just thrilled that it did. Grandma handed me a smallish white handbag, put the lipstick in it, then sat on the bed watching me as I looked in the mirror.

"I take it that this means you like what you see?"

"Oh yes Grandma! I love it!" Once it popped out, there wasn't any way to take it back, and I was instantly ashamed that I had said it, because then she positively knew that I wanted to be a girl, or at least dress like one.

"Since you love it so much, and as pretty as you are, maybe you should tell me what you call yourself! I mean, Danny can be a girls name, but…"

"I guess I never thought of it Grandma! I never, what I mean is, I don't have a name! Not a girls name anyway!"

"Well, are there any girls that you like? What are their names?"

I thought about it for a minute, then said, "Mary? No! wait!….Ummm…Jill?"

"That's a wonderful name! I like it. Now, why don't we go to dinner, and see what happens?"

I dreaded the idea of leaving the house, convinced that everyone would know, and it was only after Grandma insisted that I actually walked out of the house and got in the car. Going inside the restaurant was another gigantic hurdle that I had to wrestle with, but once again, I managed, just barely, to overcome my fears, and followed her inside. I felt as if I wore a neon sign the proclaimed to everyone that I was a boy, but nobody even bothered to look at me! Grandma handed me a menu, and I even looked at it, only I didn't, or couldn't read it. I was in severe shock, my nerves on edge the moment I saw her. Her eyes were unrelenting as she stared at me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't just disappear, which was my first choice.

"Something wrong Jill?"

"Huh? What?"

"I asked you what was wrong! You look as if you've seen a ghost!"

"She's staring at me Grandma! She knows who I am!"

"Who?"

"Mary! She's sitting right over there, by the wall next to that ugly lamp!"

"I'm sure that she is wondering how her friend was able to become such a pretty girl! Now, what will you have for dinner?"

I ordered the chicken, which is what I felt like. A plucked chicken ready to be roasted, or maybe grilled. I saw Mary get up, and as her father was paying the bill, she walked over to our table. As she stood there, it was all I could do to look up at her. I was glad that she had recovered from her illness, but of all the people I knew, she was the very last one that I wanted to have see me like that.

"Hi! Can I sit down for a minute?"

"Of course dear" Grandma said, "sit down here, next to me." Mary sat down, and…"You're Mary I take it. Jill has told me all about you. What a good friend you are."

Mary didn't answer right away, then…"Can I come over tomorrow?"

I wanted her to forget that she saw me, but…

"I think that's a wonderful idea Mary! Why don't you come for lunch? I'm sure that you and Jill have lots to talk about. Maybe you'll find out something you didn't know."

"Okay…I'll be there. Bye…Jill."

Still in shock, all I could do was ask "why?" with my eyes. I had trusted Grandma not to put me in trouble, but she had gone ahead and simply invited Mary over for lunch the next day! Barely able to eat after that, we left about an hour later. My dad saw us when we walked in the house, and motioned for us to join him. I was safer at home than anywhere else, yet the way he was looking at me…

"How was dinner?"

"It was wonderful! One of Jill's friends stopped by our table, and she's going to come over for lunch tomorrow. Jill and I are going to have to tell her what's going on of course, but she's a smart girl, and I just know that she'll understand."

"That's fine. You better go change…Jill."

"Let me unbutton your dress honey, then you can go clean up."

I ran to my room and tore the clothes off, washed off the makeup, and stood there in the bathroom cursing whatever it was that made me want to dress as a girl. I cried a little, positive that Mary would never talk to me again. She was my best friend. I crawled into bed, not wanting to see anyone. I felt humiliated, ashamed, and guilty, all in contrast to the way I felt when I first saw Jill in the mirror. I lay there, tossing and turning, unable to imagine the horror that lay ahead of me, when Mary would be able to laugh at me, and tell me I was a silly boy. Maybe she would even call me a sissy. Ever since my mom was sent away, Grandma had been helping us, like the time dad had that dinner party. Grandma set things up, made the food, and stuff. Now, for the first time, she had lied to me. I was still awake when the door opened, then the nightlight was flicked on. It was my Grandma. She sat on my bed next to me, stroked my head, then wiped away a tear.

"You think that I was being cruel. That I invited Mary over here so she could make fun of you, don't you?" I didn't say anything. "You know that I would never do that, don't you?"

"You saw her! You saw the way she looked at me! Like I was a freak!"

"She saw a pretty girl, who happens to be her friend! The fact that you looked like a girl might have confused her, but what better way to let her know what's going on than by telling her yourself? And wouldn't it be better if you did that here? In the safety of your own house?"

"Will I…should I be…dressed up?"

"Only if you want to, but if you're asking me, then I would say yes. How else can she get to know you better?"

In the morning I stared at the dress, but went to breakfast without touching it. Dad told us he would be at the gallery all day, making arrangements, then, just before he left he told me, with a sad tone in his voice, that he hoped that Mary and I could still be friends. Me too. After he left, Grandma asked me what I had decided. When I told her that would rather be myself, but didn't think that Mary would expect to see the real me, she suggested that since I had the time, that I go all out and be as much a girl as I could manage. That's how I ended up in a bubblebath with a razor in my hand, shaving my legs. It wasn't that hard to shave my legs, the oil in the water made my skin slick, and I didn't have that much to shave off anyway. Since the door was closed, I also shaved elsewhere, just to please myself. When I was done I dried off and went in my room first, then into Adele's room. I put on some of her nylon panties, the pink ones, and took a bra out of her dresser. Adele had always liked the plaid, pleated look, so most of her skirts were that way, but for some reason, I decided that a dress would be better, and took the green one off the hanger. Then I grabbed the tan flats and went back to my room.

I managed to get the pantyhose on without any trouble, but without any hair at all on my legs, wow! They felt great! The dress I had taken was a sheath with a round neck and no sleeves. I remembered how the girls at school looked when they wore dresses like that one, and knowing that I didn't have the shape for it, I decided to try something I had seen on the Internet. I used a folded hand towel on each side to make my hips seem wider, then I went back in Adele's room, took a pantybrief, and pulled it on before I sat at her vanity and tried my hand at doing my own makeup. I had the foundation on and had patted my face with powder when Grandma walked in to watch. She told me that all I needed to do was brush away the excess and add some blusher, which I did. When I had the bra on, I slipped the dress over my head and Grandma zipped it up for me. Then she sat me down and did my hair again, only curling the bottom under, which made it look really nice. Without a word I went to get some earrings, the gold ones, and clipped them to my ears. I used the pale red lipstick, then Grandma spritzed me with perfume! I put the shoes on and looked in the mirror. If nothing else, I at least had some kind of shape and my hair looked nice.

I still felt awkward, and I was afraid of what Mary was going to say, but I had already gone to far to change back, even if I wanted to, or could. Grandma left me there alone, and as I looked at my reflection, I knew that whatever else, I had done the best I could. All I had left to do was convince Mary that I wasn't a freak, a pervert, or a sissy. I waited in the familyroom, sitting on the edge of the couch until I heard the doorbell ring. With a wave of her hand, I went, then opened the door. Mary stood there until I motioned her inside, then…

"I almost didn't know who you were last night! It was only because I recognized your Grandma that I figured it out!"

"I'll leave you two alone so you can talk I think."

"Mary" I said, "this isn't…"

"You know what I think?"

"What?" I asked.

"I think it's icky that a boy can dress like a girl" Here it comes I thought, "and look like you do!"

"Huh? Is it that bad?"

"Bad? Are you kidding? You're really cute! Can you imagine someone like…Greg being able to look like you do?"

That made me laugh, because Greg has a shape roughly like a truck. Tall, wide, and thick, with his hair cut really short. Mary and I went in the kitchen to eat lunch, then later, after I told her that I had posed for dad, I took her into the studio and showed her the painting. Then I told her that everyone wanted me to be at the gallery on opening night, but I would have to be there as a girl. I almost told her that was why I was dressing up, but for some reason, I didn't. As we walked out of the studio, she tugged on my arm. When I turned, she kissed me, right on the lips!

"What was that for!?"

"Oh, girls do that all the time…Jill."

I didn't think that was true, but kept my mouth shut, just in case she wanted to do it again. We played some games on the computer, had a snack, then she had to go home. Before she left, while we were still in my room, she kissed me again, which caused me some pain in my special place. I had made sure that I wouldn't embarrass myself, which is why I was in pain when Mary kissed me. After she left I wanted to run in the bath and take care of things, relieve the tension so to speak, but I didn't get the chance. The phone rang ten minutes later. It was Mary. She had a babysitting job, and wanted me to come along! I asked and got permission, then Mary told me to change into a skirt and blouse, since it would be more comfortable and easier if I was busy chasing kids around.

I wore the tan and white plaid skirt with a white blouse, a tan sweater, and my sneakers. Grandma told me I didn't need a purse, then told me to walk over to Mary's, and be sure to call when I got to the house I was babysitting at. That's when it hit me. Mary's parents would see me! I almost didn't go, but Grandma told me that I might as well get used to having people see me, at least for a while, so I walked down the street, outside, and all alone for the first time ever. You could reasonably say that I was scared, wondering what her parents would say. I rang the bell and was let in by her mom.

"And you must be Jill!"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Mary is in her room, she'll be right down." I stood there, my knees locked together like Grandma told me, wondering if Mary's mom knew. "I understand you were the model for your fathers painting?" She knew!

"Yeah, after Mary got sick, he asked me to do it."

"Well, you look very nice dear."

"Thank you Ma'am"

Mary and I walked about two blocks away, to where she was babysitting, and after the parents gave us all of the information and had left, we were left looking at each other. Just then the baby started crying, so Mary went to feed and change her while I sat waiting. When she returned, she sat right next to me.

"You really don't know how cute you are, do you?"

"Me? Cute? Not hardly!"

"Well I think so" she said as she put her hand on my leg. Mr. Happy instantly wanted out, but I didn't dare. Just her touch gave me the shivers, and I knew that if he were free, and she did that again, well, I was still a boy after all. "How long are you going to do this? I mean, you're not going back to school this way are you?"

"No way! The guys would tear me to shreds!"

"More likely they would only be trying to get into your pants!"

"Yeah, right!"

"So, this is just for the summer?"

"Until the showing is over, then I'll be back to the old me."

"Do you have to?"

"What?"

"Be the old you, right away I mean."

"Why? You don't know how scary it is to walk around like this! What if someone finds out!"

"You worry to much! I've known you longer than anyone, and I didn't recognize you!"

"Yeah but…"

"But nothing! Listen and just think about it, okay?"

"Maybe, but my dad would have to agree, and he might not."

"Just try it and see what happens."

How it happened I'm not quite sure. One minute we were talking, and the next we were kissing. She had her hand on my leg, so I put my hand on hers, and after that, things got pretty hot. If the people had come in they would have seen two girl making out, which would not have been very good at all! By the time I got home, I was in total agony, and didn't even bother to change before I went in the bath and relieved myself of the excess tension all guys get after making out with a girl. Then I cleaned up and went to bed, my only thoughts about how Mary felt and tasted, plus her request that I keep dressing as a girl. She and I had always been friends, but only after she saw me dressed up did anything more happen. Since I enjoyed what she and I had done, and wanted lots more of it, I decided to dress as a girl all of the time, just to see what would happen. That's why I got dressed before I went to breakfast the next morning. I wore a different skirt and blouse, but I had put on makeup, lipstick, perfume and earrings. My hair looked okay I guess. After dad left for work, my Grandma told me that it was time that I had a few things of my own, like panties, plus, she and I had to find a dress for me to wear to the opening. She didn't even ask me if I would go! After we cleaned up, she and I left for the mall.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and nobody stared or laughed at me. Plus, I didn't see anyone I knew, which would have probably been terrible. Grandma never once asked me what to get, she already knew. She did show me everything though, but I always agreed, not knowing any better. We picked out the dress, bought shoes to match, then went home, all without any trouble at all. Once I was safely at home though, I relaxed a whole bunch! I took everything to my room, then played on the computer while Grandma did something else.

On the day of the opening, as Grandma and had I talked about, I started the day with a bubblebath, and once again shaved my legs, and also, my arms. They weren't that hairy, but what the hell I thought. Once I was out of the tub, I got dressed, and like I always did, I wore a skirt and blouse. I blow dried my hair and brushed it out, did some makeup, then we had breakfast. Dad didn't have a clue what we planned on doing, and we didn't tell him; just that we had a few errands, and left. I had been dressing as a girl every day for the last eight days, and had lost most, but not all, of my fears of discovery, especially after Mary had talked me into walking to the mall and doing what she called "strolling and trolling". Grandma and I went into the small shop, then I was taken to a chair. I was about to have my hair and nails done by a pro. I had no idea what to do, so I just sat there and let the lady work on me, but it was smelly, and the rollers were really tight! I sat under the dryer while someone else worked on my nails, filing them to look more like a girls, then painting them a soft pink with clear over that. Before the rollers were taken out, the same lady that did my nails wiped away my makeup and started all over! By the time we left the shop, almost two hours had gone by, but what a difference!

The girl that dad had painted had dark hair while mine was light brown, but I had worn a blond wig. So they dyed my hair to a darker brown, and added curls that would make it easier for me to take care of. Out of everything that had happened to me, that was the very best, right after Mary of course. My Grandma and I had told dad that if I had to appear as a girl for his opening, that I needed the practice. He didn't exactly like it, but he didn't say no, which is why I had been able to keep dressing every day. That was okay, but we both knew that when he saw me, he would get a much stronger message, which was that I liked being a girl. But dad wasn't around when we got home, so I scurried to my room to change. I quickly undressed, then touched the breast forms that Grandma had bought for me, then glued to my chest. They looked great, and better, felt just like Mary's! It didn't take long to get changed, and once I had the dress zipped up, I stepped into the white heels and looked in the mirror. From head to toe I looked like a girl in every way, and better, I felt like one. The padded brief and the breast forms made me look and feel like a girl, only the hair, makeup and dress completing the picture. I clipped on the earrings, added the thin gold bracelet, a dash of my new perfume, and opened the door to my room.

I saw dad standing there in his tuxedo, but he didn't see me, so I crept around the corner, and made an entrance fit for a debutante. He looked at me with wide eyes, then he held out his hands.

"You have become quite the young lady! Just look at you!"

"Thanks dad, I did it for you."

"If you think I'll believe that, you should know better! You look like you do because you like it. You like dressing as a girl, and we both know it!"

"You're not mad at me are you? I mean, I can't help the way I feel!"

"No, I'm not mad at you. You always knew that I wasn't thrilled when you started to dress this way every day, but I agreed to it because your Grandma told me you needed the practice. Now I know better. You like it, and practice doesn't have a thing to do with it.

"Grandma lied to you?"

"And you helped her. You both knew that I was in a bind, that I needed to be able to produce my model, and you both took advantage of me, didn't you?" I hung my head, not knowing what to say. "Well, I have news for you young lady, I don't like being taken advantage of, so I'm going to have to punish you, but what? What shall I do to impress upon you that you have become the prettiest girl in the family, a girl that I don't think I will ever be able to do without?" When what he had said finally sunk in, I hugged him tightly. "As it happens, Stan has asked me to do a series of paintings, all using the same girl, that's you, in various settings. I was going to ask you if you were up to it, but now that I see you, that seems a bit silly. Of course you'll do it, won't you?" I nodded my head yes, and he held me back a little. "You do know what that means don't you?"

"What?"

"If the paintings do well, if they are well received, then we'll have to find a way to keep you in school while also having you posing for me. Maybe we'll do a portfolio of you in different clothes? I can get Mike to take the pictures, then maybe I can work out the sketches from them!" At first I thought he was going to let me keep dressing, then he mentioned having his friend Mike take pictures he could work from. That meant that I would be back where I started from! "Maybe we'll have to do both. What do you think?"

I had my chance, and I took it. "You always like to use live models dad. I don't think you'll be happy using a picture, you never did before."

"Did I tell you that you look quite lovely tonight Jill?"

It was one of a very few times that he ever used that name, and I almost started to cry, but didn't. He pinned a corsage to the dress, a pink, white and purple flower that accented the pink satin and chiffon party dress perfectly. I felt wonderful, yet I knew in my heart that I was still a boy wearing a party dress, and nothing was going to change that. Yet, with my hair, makeup, and nails, the breast forms and padding under a dress that screamed "girl", I really felt like a real girl for the first time. My father was still edgy about taking me to this opening, and I was scared that I would be found out. We both knew that what we were doing was risky, and could damage if not ruin his chances as both a painter and in his profession. That's why I was determined not to screw up. As dad, Grandma, and I drove to the gallery, I kept repeating the lessons Grandma had impressed on me.

The place was crowded with patrons, and as we walked in dad was mobbed by people. Grandma took me by the arm and we moved away so that dad could feel free to talk, without leaving me under the spotlight so to speak. His painting hung on the back wall, lit with four floods, and looked even better with that kind of light on it. Grandma and I were looking at it when Stan walked up to us.

"Hello! You must be Jill! I've heard a lot about you. Your father seems to have captured you quite well."

"Thank you." I said softly.

"I understand that you'll be the model for the series your father is doing. That's splendid news; he has managed to convey the innocence of youth quite well, and of course, we are all looking forward to more paintings in that same theme. With you as his model, I'm sure that he was inspired to do his best work ever."

Before I could say anything, some guy from a magazine walked up and started peppering me with questions, but Stan answered them, saving me from that task. Grandma stood there with me, holding my hand as the guy wanted to know my age, how I was related and stuff like that. Stan told them that I was a family member, that I was 14, and would be the model in several news works. Then he led the guy to the refreshment area. I was shaking in my shoes, ready to split, hide someplace, but dad walked up, and he had Mary and her parents with him! Mary quickly stood next to me.

"You're being very brave to do this for your father, and I'm sure that this isn't what you had in mind."

Mary's dad didn't have any idea what was going on, and I wasn't going to tell him either. "She is a very pretty girl, and a wonderful person" her mom said, "and I see no reason for her to be ashamed of anything! She and Mary have been friends for a long time, and you have known the child since she was born, and you know that a dress won't change that! I've already told Jill that she is welcome at our house any time, and if her Grandmother isn't available, she can talk to me about anything."

"Yeah well…"

"Well nothing!" Her mom went on, gripping her husbands arm tightly. "You know that Jill never planned on this, it just happened, so we have an obligation to support her!"

He seemed to calm down, then Mary and I got a soft drink, which is where we were when photographers started taking pictures, of me, then both of us! Stan quickly put an end to that, and we went to find my dad. He and I stayed together with Mary for the rest of the evening, and by the time I got home, I was worn out. I was excited, afraid, confused and relieved, all at the same time. Nobody had called me a boy in a dress, and that was good. Mary's dad got put in his place, and that was okay. But one of the photographers was from a local paper, and that was very bad. If the paper started looking into dad's family, they would quickly find out that there was only dad, Grandma, mom, and me. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that a boy had been posing as a girl, as a model, and as a live girl. I wasn't exactly despondent, but it was close.

The next day I did not dress as Jill. I wore my own clothes, jeans and a shirt, but those breast forms pushed out against my shirt, and I still had the fingernail polish on, so I was half boy and half girl. Grandma wasn't there, and I didn't know how to get the breast forms off, so that's how I was dressed when Mary came over. She was a little disappointed that I wasn't dressed. I could see it in her eyes. But, we sat watching television for a bit, then I put my hand on her leg, kissed her, and all at once we were doing more. I could feel her hand on my stomach, then nothing, and I knew that she had her hand on my breast. She was more eager than ever, and I managed to slip my hand into her blouse and actually touch her. I was ready, as only boys are, yet she pulled away when I put her hand there.

"Jill…Danny…whatever, this is fun, but…why can't you be Jill!?"

I told her why. I told her I was afraid. When I told her, she laughed! My best friend laughed at me! Mary then went on to tell me just how silly that was. That she had overheard lots of people talking about me the night before, and not one of them had any idea that I was a boy. Then she took my hand and told me that Jill turned her on, while Danny was just a friend. I didn't understand that, and I don't think she did either, but the way she looked at me, well, I believed her. I liked what she and I were doing, and I wanted more of it, but to get it, I would have to become Jill! We were sitting there side by side when Grandma showed up. Mary stayed a bit longer, then went home, winking at me as she left.

"Jill! You look…different!"

"Yeah, well, I'm not a girl and never will be Grandma. I…I…can't do this any more, but I have to!"

"Tell me all about it. Lets just sit here, and you can tell me what's going on."

Under the gentle pressure, I told her everything, from how being a girl made me feel to the way Mary reacted around me, and how that made me feel. I mentioned the local paper taking my picture, and how, without a lot of fuss they could find out the truth. After all, when Adele went missing, our family was all over the papers, so it couldn't be that hard to find out that I was a boy. When I mentioned what Mary had said, that she liked kissing Jill instead of Danny, Grandma just sighed. I was being torn to pieces from every direction. Mary, my liking to be dressed as a girl, dad's reluctant approval, maybe my picture in the paper, and my innate fear of discovery were sapping what little strength I had left. Grandma listened without saying anything, then she hugged me before she sat back and looked at me.

"It seems to me that you and Mary have been doing things that you shouldn't be doing, not at your age anyway, and you know that neither your father or her parents would like it very much if they found out, don't you?" I didn't say anything. "As for the rest, I say, so what? You can become a very pretty girl when you want to, so the only thing we have to consider is if you want to become that girl, or do you want to hide her in your closet again? If you want to hide her, just say so! But if you don't, then you need to say that too! Honey, we don't get to choose what becomes of us. It sometimes just happens, and when it does, you have to accept it and go on with life, or deny it and be miserable from then on!"

"But if I…I can't go to school that way, I'll get torn to shreds!"

"Maybe, maybe not, but that's isn't the real question is it? Do you, or do you not, want to be Jill? That's the only question. The rest we can work around. So tell me, what's it going to be? Boy, or girl?"

"Girl" I said softly, "but I just know that dad will hate me when he finds out! He said…"

"He said that you were a lovely young lady, and he was going to punish you for it, didn't he?"

"Yes."

"And did he say what that punishment would be?"

"No, but…"

"Didn't he tell you that you were the prettiest girl in the family?"

"Well, yeah, but I'm the only girl in the family!"

"That does not make the statement any less true, and that brings us back to what it is that you want, and how badly do you want it."

In a sense, I had neatly boxed myself into a corner, and Grandma knew it because she led me there. I had already said that I wanted to be a girl, so the only question left was how? How could I keep on being a girl and attend school without getting my ass kicked all over the place, and even if I did manage that feat, how would everyone react to me? I didn't have any answers, so I said nothing, my mind a blank. Moments later, Grandma talked about Mary and I.

"I know that she's your best friend, and I also know that you are reacting like a normal boy when you touch and kiss her, but that not something girls do with each other. If you're going to be a girl, then you need to start thinking about the future."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that most girls have boyfriends."

"Not me!"

"We'll see, but for now, no more of that funny stuff with Mary. Understand?"

I went to my room and changed into a skirt and blouse, but didn't put on any makeup, then helped Grandma make dinner. School was going to start in just about six weeks, which was how long I had to be Jill, or find a way to remain Jill. My dad didn't say much, not until our pictures appeared in the paper the next day. It was a wonderful write up, and I was identified as Jill, my fathers daughter. There was no mention of our families previous problems. The picture of me was about four by six, and showed mostly my face. The article said that I was the "new inspiration" for my dad, then went on to say that several other painters had asked if I would pose for them! I had not known that! As I read the article, I saw dad watching me. When I looked up…

"It does seem that they have decided to not print anything to hurt you, doesn't it?" Without waiting…"But it also means that now we're in a bind. Everyone will read that and assume that I have a 14 year old daughter, a girl that attends school, has friends, and all that. You can't tell me that you don't like being a girl or none of this would have happened, so lets come clean with each other. You want to be Jill all of the time, and while I don't like it, I'm inclined to let you. How do you feel about that?"

"I can't dad, I have school."

"You can if you change schools, which is going to be your punishment for lying to me."

"Change schools? But where would I go? The only other school around here is…."

"That's right. An all girls school."

"But I don't want to go there! Those girls are all snobs, and stuck up!"

"Maybe, but it's the only thing I can think of at the moment, so that's where you'll be going in the fall. You will also be staying with your Grandmother, since she is the only one that will be able to help you mange to be a proper young lady."

"I have to move?! Daaad!"

"Then you'll have to go back to school as a boy! I'm not going to take the chance that someone will hurt you!"

That's exactly what happened. I started school as myself. I did my best to walk and so on like a boy, and I managed to get by. None of the boys seemed to put it together that I was the girl in the paper, and life went back to normal, almost that is. On the weekends I would get dressed, then Mary and I would hang out together. It wasn't perfect, but my only alternative was to attend an all girls school, which I didn't want to do. I figured that I could handle anything for the four years of high school. After that I could do what I wanted. Mary and I grew very close, but the one time I was dressed as a boy and tried to make it with her, I got shot right down! She didn't say much, but I quickly knew that the only way I was going to be able to play touchy feely with her was if I were Jill. I was caught between my normal male desire to be intimate with Mary, my wanting to be a girl, and my Grandmothers rather stern admonition that "girls don't do that". I didn't know what to do, but I was miserable with the way things were turning out. Then it happened.

I was dressed, wearing a short skirt and a blouse, pantyhose and flats when the bell rang. When I opened the door, a boy stood there, a boy that I knew…but didn't! I let him in, he took my hand, and without a word, wrapped his arms around me tightly, then kissed me!

"Call me Tom" he said with a grin.

"Ma…Mary?"

"Like it? I've thought about this for a while, and finally tried it!"

"But you look just like a guy!"

"That's the idea dummy! Me boy, you girl!"

We went out walking, hand in hand, just another couple, except the boy was really a girl, and the girl was really a boy! We kissed a bit, then he took my hand and moved it. To my great surprise, what should have been smooth, wasn't. There was a lump, a sort of stiff lump! I yanked my hand away, only to see a grin on his face. It was an eerie feeling to see Mary that way, but in a way I was very happy. It meant that we could make out again, and not feel so strange. We ended up at her house, which was dark except for one light.

"My folks have gone to some party. Let's go inside."

We sat on the couch, then Mary, or Tom, began to kiss me, making me quiver in excitement. Like before, Tom was eager to touch me, and I let him. Then he put my hand on it again. It felt like mine, so I moved my hand away again, unable to let myself think about what might happen. My blouse was unbuttoned, his one hand in my bra, the other touching me in my panties. Breathing hard, it was all I could do to move away. Tom looked at me, then unbuttoned his shirt, which is when I saw the wrapping that held down the breasts.

"Now we can date! Think about it Jill! We're not breaking any laws or anything. I'm a girl and you're a boy, so what's the problem? How we're dressed? Who's going to know?"

It was a good argument, and I fell for it. He took me to the show a few times, and each time we grew closer to doing it. That's when I knew that I wanted to be able to please him even more, and started surfing the net for a way to do just that. I knew about hormones of course, but getting them was going to be hard, or so I thought. I found a place, in another country, the would sell them to me, as long as I sent them a money order, which I did. I ordered enough pills to last a very long time, and when they came, I started to take them. Mary had to be herself, just like I did at school, but on the weekends, she and I would always be together, Tom and Jill, the perfect couple, and as time went on we kept getting closer to intimacy. Both my dad and her parents had found out that she was dressing as a boy, but she was able to point at the many girls that also wore boys clothing, and while they didn't like it, they let her continue. It was obvious what we were doing, and they knew it, but like my Grandma, they could accept a boy and a girl together, not two girls. In our twilight like fantasy, they didn't have a clue. If we only knew.

I knew that taking the pills would change me, and I knew that it might take some time, but I was growing tired of waiting. Day after day I would check, only to see no change, and I grew weary of waiting, wondering if I had been sold sugar pills. Then came the tingling, which quickly blossomed into a pair of very small, almost unnoticeable breasts. I was four months from turning 16 when I had a growth spurt, growing a full cup size and gaining three inches on my hips, all within the next few months. Other than strapping them down, there wasn't any way to hide my breasts, and absolutely no way to conceal my hips. For a father and a painter, my dad was pretty ignorant about girls, and didn't seem to notice the changes, which lasted for a while before he told me I was gaining weight and let it go, but when My Grandma saw me, it was a whole different story. I was dragged into my bedroom, and under a very stern gaze preceded by the threat of death, I took my clothes off. When my bra hit the floor and she could see them, I saw her eyes cross a little, then a sort of gasp, just before she demanded that I take everything off. The evidence could not be denied. My bottom was wider and rounder while my manhood, nothing to shout about to start with, had gotten a bit smaller.

As I got dressed…

"Your father is going to be very unhappy with you, and you'll be lucky if he only grounds you for life! Whatever made you do something like this! I mean, without talking to one of us?"

"I want to be a girl Grandma! You always knew that! And besides, I wanted to have them for Tom!"

"Tom? Who's Tom? You have a boyfriend now? When did this all happen?" Then it hit her. "Mary! It's Mary isn't it?! She has been dressing in boys clothes! We thought that it was so you two could go out together without any trouble! I see it now! You two have been dating, not just going out, and you're the girl!"

Just as I got dressed, dad came in, waving a letter at us. "I just got a commission to do three more paintings! They want all of them to be similar to the one you posed for!"

"It seems that Jill has changed a bit" Grandma said quietly, "she has developed the body of a girl her own age."

"What! But how?"

"Oh, I think it was a combination of things. She has been dressing as a girl for quite a while now, wearing a bra all of the time, so maybe that had something to do with it."

"But…but…this is terrible! What else could cause something like this to happen?!"

"It might not be as bad as you think" Grandma said, "after all, she has been posing for you hasn't she? And now you have this commission? I think maybe it's time we all faced it. Jill is here to stay."

Dad, while accepting me dressing up on the weekends, had forced that on himself when he asked me to pose for him, but for me to become a girl full time, well, that wasn't something he had never really considered. The fact that Grandma told him I had the body of a teenage girl was more than enough for him to believe it, but that left me with zero options. It meant that my tenure at the school I was attending was about to come to an abrupt end. Just about the only thing good about it was that Tom and I had not been together in quite a while, and I intended to surprise him with my brand new options! I had my chance the next day. Mary showed up, once again dressed as Tom, and with my secret held tightly, we walked to our favorite spot in the park. He and I started kissing, then he touched my breast, which sent a shiver through me. Tom knew something was different, but not until I let him slip his hand into my bra did he find out. Both of us were shaking in excitement as his hand kneaded me, playing with my nipple until it stood straight out. Unable to do more than that in the park, we straightened up and walked back home. Tom was mostly silent, but he kept stroking my butt on the way home, and that made me feel really good.

On Monday I was enrolled in that all girls school, which I hated. I hated the uniforms I had to wear, all of the rules, and most of all, I hated being around girls who's only thought was for themselves. They weren't all like that of course, but enough of them were that it made me want to get away from there as fast as I could. After just a single week of that, and living with my grandmother, I wanted to go home, strap down my boobs, and go back to my old school. I couldn't see Mary, or Tom, but Grandma said it was for my own good, whatever that meant. It was almost a month before I went back home for the weekend, and that's when Tom and I did it. Because I was having trouble becoming stiff enough for penetration, we had to work at it for a while, but finally managed to achieve it. I was on the bottom when we did it, and he acted every bit the boy. I mentally pretended that I could feel him inside of me, but it did not last long enough, because my eruption wasn't so hot, although Tom shook a bit when he got his. Later, after we got dressed, I looked at him and knew that I loved him. Because my manhood had not been very active, I was a bit surprised that it worked, but overjoyed when Tom said it was just fine.

Four months later I found myself facing not only my dad and Grandmother, but Mary's parents as well, and they all looked very angry. Since that one time Mary and I were intimate, I had been having even more trouble getting erect, and had virtually no success since then and I was positive that only Mary could make it respond again. Since she wasn't there, I could tell that something was really wrong.

"We had to send Mary away young lady! Do you know why?" I shook my head no, since I had no idea. "She is pregnant! At age 16! Guess who she said the father was?" I didn't have to guess. I knew. "Mary has been sent away to have the baby, and when she returns, you are forbidden to see her."

"But I can't…what I mean is…" I turned to my Grandma for help.

"What I think Jill is trying to say is that she has been taking hormones for a very long time now, and she cannot achieve an erection any more. Mary would be quite safe with Mary. Like two girls."

"That's what we thought before!"

"Yes, but now it's true, and we can prove it if you like."

"I'd like to see you prove that!"

"Not you, your wife. This is a young girl we're talking about."

With a nod to Mary's mom, the three of us went in dad's bedroom, shut the door, then under Grandma's order, I stripped off my blouse, unclasped my bra, and set them free. A set of B cup breasts popped out, pert and firm, clearly not fake.

"The rest?"

I took my panties down, then raised my skirt. Pitiful is what it was. Just a nub was left, my testicles having retreated into my body long ago. Even if I did manage to get an erection, there wasn't enough for any kind of meaningful penetration, and we all knew it. Mary's mother grunted in acceptance, and they left me to face my father, who had just found out that I had been taking hormones. My life instantly became one of very strict supervision. School, home, homework, bed, school again. No change. Mary had a baby girl, which was fitting I guess. I never saw Mary again until I graduated from high school, and by then it didn't matter. My dad painted me several more times, each time drawing a better review, but it was a strained relationship. By the time I was a senior in high school, there was virtually no trace that I had ever been a boy, and had become acclimated to being a girl in every way, from speech patterns to walk and mannerisms. I never dated again, even after my supervision had been relaxed. As a boy that had become a woman, I had enjoyed the fruits of both, but also the suffering of both. I had a baby out there, my daughter, but I would never see her. When I saw Mary for the first time in two years, she was with a guy, laughing and happy. I had lost her, but I knew that she was happier, and that was going to be my only solace.

My father had eventually come to realize that I was his daughter in every way, but he still harbored some anger with Grandma and I because we had not told him that I was on hormones, or that I had developed as much as I had. He and I struggled to find a way back together, but I was a girl, and nothing could change that, even if I wanted to, which I didn't. After starting college I met someone, a very nice guy who worshiped the ground I walked on, and as we became closer, he and I started to do those same things that Mary and I had done. Only it was different. He was able to make me tingle all over with excitement, but unable to satisfy him as a normal girl would, I did what I could for him. When I lay in bed that night I realized that my tryst with Mary had let me be the male I really was, just that one time, and my session with my guy had let me be the woman I knew that I had to become. Experiencing life as both a male and female, I was able to finally close off those doubts that I always carried with me, and that next weekend, with my guy in tow, I was able to let dad know that I loved him more than I could say, yet let him know that my guy was also a part of my life as a woman.

Our relationship improved rapidly after that, and I finally had the father/daughter relationship that I always wanted. When the time came, I was sure that he was going to cry at my wedding, and that was just fine with me, because I knew that he loved me as only a father could love a daughter, me.