I am slowly walking down the path, fearfully, afraid, but moving forward.
The depression has receded, but it still lurks. Having accepted that I will probably transition, just not today, seems to have taken a load off. My boy says he thinks I am becoming much happier. I think he is right.
I met a trans-lady this Wednesday. Her name is not important. If you happen to live in the Dallas area PM me and I can guide you to a ton of local resources I didn't know was there until lately. Anyhow, this girl is mid transition, but she is giving of herself to help make it easier for others as a volunteer for GEAR. She is very tall, and when the surgeries are finished (seems to be the fate for all of us, one way or another) I think she is going to be very pretty, even beautiful. I went to this meeting not knowing what to expect, and came away with a lot of basic sources for things I will need, and knowing where to find out more. Nice.
The end of the month, last Thursday, GEAR (Gender Education And Resources), part of the Dallas LBGT group, has a meeting for the trans community. I attended for the first time. I met one FtM person there, the rest is a local mix of MtF, all in various stages. Since I am still laying groundwork, so to speak, I went as I am, a male waffling on the fundamental issues. That puts me as one of the newest members of this club, but I felt welcome.
...
Now here is where it gets really strange.
One of the faces was exceedingly familiar. I dismissed it, basically out of fundamental disbelief, until she spoke. Turns out it is a very old friend, who decided to start HRT last December. I've known her as a man for just over 10 years, neither of us had a clue about the other, until then. I'm still shaking my head about the unlikeliness of it all. However, I am not about to refuse a gift from God. If she is willing, and I do not see why not, she is now a part of my support, as I am of hers.
We would have had the same Gender Therapist, except I was a bit pushy. This bout of depression was more scary than most, a lot more. The sane part in the back of my head knew I didn't want to go where the front of my mind seemed to be telling me. So now we use the same basic office, with office mates. Small family, even so.
I would be less than honest if I didn't say I am afraid. This is an understatement, I have a lot of work to do with my GT. There is this core of self hatred I can't shake, and I have never thought I looked good as a man, I can only imagine what I will look like as a woman. I visualize this with real dread. A lot of what I'm going through is fear of one form or another.
I have been to Laura's chat, I am finding I am not so unusual in many ways. TG's in general seem to be our own worst enemy, the uncertainty, the unwillingness to accept our strengths and magnify out weaknesses seems to be universal. I spoke to a young lady on the chat that seems to unable to accept she had a really pretty face (that was all she showed in her picture), and switched to body image when a chorus explained she was wrong. I would like to think maybe we helped, but as with me, she has a long way to go.
An older lady (my age) at the GEAR meeting was extremely authentic, till she spoke. I could not tell. Maybe there is hope for me, we'll see.
So now I have a list of things to do. The first is to loose weight. I was 265-270 8 years ago, I'm down to 230 pounds. I want to continue this trend, which means walking and portion control. The moment I say diet it is over (oops). I want to reach 180 as a goal.
Get back with my doctor, find out if he can handle the new me. If not, get a new doc, then get back on meds for hypertension and diabetes if I need them (I will), as well as any help I can get for my weight. It relates to the self hatred, I was trying to kill myself through neglect.
There are things I can do to help the process that will still allow me my stealth. Things like hair removal, which is god awful expensive. It is not obvious, but a needed part of the path.
At some point I will need to try dressing as a woman. This is one of my scary zones. I was caught many decades ago, it is why I swore off. Again, it seems necessary, I might even enjoy it, but not as much as most.
If I get my weight under control I think it will give me the confidence to proceed. I won't be the caricature I am so afraid of becoming. So along with the doc, it is priority one. I do not want to be a fat bald man in a dress. I'll address the bald later, but first the fat.
I will miss being a Mason, and several other aspects of my life that will go away when I become obvious.
So here I am, with all these grandiose plans. I just pray to God I can carry them out. It beats ODing on meds or worse.
So what do you think? TMI?
Comments
If it's what you feel you have to do
then I wish you all the luck in the world, but do be sure before you do anything irrevocable.
To be part of a group can be useful but also watch out for competetiveness, be careful who you trust. Otherwise well done on taking a momentous step.
Best wishes,
Angharad.
Angharad
The one thing I truly relate to from EAFOAB
Is Trish's eagerness to transition the world. I keep running into variations of it. If I had not read your description on Trish I don't think I would find it so funny. I need all the sense of humor I can get.
I am not in a hurry, for several reasons. I am dead serious about the weight loss, for example. I went on a diet in college where I lost the weight quickly, only to put all of it back on X3 when I stopped. I am now back to where I was when I put it back on X3. I accept this is going to be a life long battle, I just don't have the confidence in myself to know I can follow through. I don't think people who have not fought this problem really understand, it is not as easy as they make it out to be. It is hard, tedious work, and to ignore it means it comes back promptly. I already find myself back sliding, but I will do this dagnabit.
I have never had any use for facial hair, or chest hair. I am not an especially hairy individual, they can go with no consequence (other than the hellish prices).
Even if I were not transitioning (can you call it that just because you've made the decision?) I need a new job for my mental health. It used to be a fantastic place to work, now not so much. The management love back stabbing each other, and seem to delight in making us miserable. The hypocrisy between their stated goals and objectives and what they actually do is getting thick. There has got to be better out there.
I don't think I was certain until I saw my friend. She and her wife had basically stopped communicating. For that matter so had I, with all my old friends. If something doesn't change I will die sooner than later, I can't continue like this. It may be I will die before I start anything permanent, but at least I will be working on a dream. I haven't had one of those in a very long time.
How miserable did you have to get, before you started working on changing yourself?
In current economy paying employer...
...is good even if there are problems. On the other hand, what can prevent you from looking around?
Current employment situation in my country is quite funny. If you are manager or high level accountant - you can have problem finding employment. If you are qualified and sane engineer - employers are forming a line to get you.
So, don't drop your job. But certainly look for better place and salary.
For those who need transition
... we all trod down these same paths more or less.
At least you are taking the first steps and it is wonderful to know one is not alone on such a journey. It is almost a certainty I would not have had the courage to do what I had to do without having others to talk to and provide resources. It should give us that much respect for the pioneers who started organization where none existed before. I did my transition pre-internet which a lot of TS folks here could probably have not imagined these days.
The level of difficulty of ones' transition varies of course depending on the blessings or curses one is given at birth (and what was a curse sometimes becomes a blessing and vice versa during the journey too) but at least there are others to share it with.
Good Luck.
Kim
As Angharad says,
You can only do what you feel you have to do, or what you feel must be done. We all tread this path, or paths parrallel to it.
Be careful, be certain and (again as Ang says,) beware of competitiveness in any groups you join. Listen to other people's stories, listen to their advice. You don't have to take that advice but if you've heard it and considered it then it will help you more often than it confuses you.
(I'm beginning to sound like Polonious talking to Hamlet here.)
We all have our individual paths to walk so pick your friends carefully. Compassion, understanding, tolerance are all charecteristics you should seek in new friends. Tact and circumspection are also factors you should look for, your new and old friends should respect your wish to go stealth if you wish to. They should not be resentful or censorious if you wish to put old lifestyles behind you.
If they dwell upon your past unduly, be wary of them unless they are tried and trusted friends. For old friends it is often as hard and difficult a task for them as it is you, adjusting to your new status. You should extend patience and forbearence to old friends if you can see they are truly making an effort to come to terms with the new you.
Good luck on your new pathway. I'm thinking it might be just that little bit harder taking this path in Texas but perhaps I am being naive and judgemental. Things may well have changed an awful lot since I was last there over twenty five years ago. They've certainly changed for the better in the UK.
Good luck.
XX
Bev.
I suspect my friend has more to worry about from me,
Not that she has anything to worry about. She is a quiet person, always has been, while I can't stop talking sometimes (a failing). She is actually showing some change from the hormones, but talking with her at the meeting she is still in stealth except with friends whom she can trust. I hope I am in that category. We both know each others secret because we are going to the same meetings, a promising sign. And yes, Texas is not the best place to be TG, but there are worse.
I am still taking a long view. The only real difference is I now know I am going to transition. I will start experimenting with what that means, what it means to be a girl. I have been letting my nails grow, but frankly I do an awful job taking care of them. Still, up to 7 months ago I chewed them down to the quick, and had done so all my life.
I met a lady who reminded me a lot of you. A little older than you, nice legs (long), short shorts, heels were a big over the top, but definitely nice legs. I am wondering if mine will always be thick, or if the weight loss (and yes, estrogen) will skinny them down. I can only hope so. Give it 5 years or more, and I'll let you know.
I met another girl who had a very masculine face (I suspect she was just starting), a very frilly pink dress, nice tights and heels, and pigtails. She had a boyfriend in tow. I loved the look, but it is something I would have to work up to for a very long time. I used to think I had thick skin, it seems to have thinned somewhat suddenly. Again, being afraid.
Part of the reason I went, besides the support aspects, is to look into the future. When I say I am stealth there is absolutely nothing to hint about my inner nature, the nails are not obvious.
congrats on making progress hon
tiny baby steps are all you can probably count on doing for now. But bit by bit, you'll get there.
As for the being our own worst critic? Yeah, count me in that group, no question. I still struggle to believe I'm actually passing ...
Fat bald old 'men'
Well, that covers many of us. Some people here know exactly what I look like, for example, but in my heart I am a flame-haired sylph. I hid my soul away from myself for too many years, the classic pattern, and now I am past all the games I have to ask why I did not do it so much earlier in life. Tough: them's the breaks, you make the best of it all and move on. Everyone comes to it in a different way, though there are some tropes or memes that catch most of us, and the fat, bald old man is a common one.
There are a number of warnings, and Angharad has given the most important. In a group, it is very easy to be carried along on a wave of enthusiasm until you suddenly find yourself in far deeper water than you were ever prepared for. Support can be variable. I spent a long time referred to as 'Stan the Man' by people who never knew my name, but felt it was perfectly OK to be arseholes. A bit like riding a bike on the road, in fact...
So make sure that you never do something you cannot come back from, not without a lot of thought, preparation and advice from people who are not travelling the same path. Good luck.
And as for the dressing, two things. A floppy skirt for slobbing around your home is easy to sort, and comfortable, and if you want to feel just a touch more feminine, then perhaps coloured toenails will let you have just a little more comfort.
Hi. You sound a lot like me
Hi. You sound a lot like me 12 yrs. ago. I had lived through repeated cycles of depression related to not being able to be who I knew I was. Suicide was very attractive, and I had set it up first at the age of 16. I have always been a planner except in planning transition, and my suicide attempts (yeah plural) were usually planned, and they ulitmately failed. The first time my father had loaned the shotgun in our house to a coworker without consulting me!! The nerve of that man!!
Later driving very fast down dark roads with the lights off was another try. Eating myself to death sorta came over me, and is responsible for the wt. gain that gave me diabetes. Very slow way to kill yourself -- just don't recommend it.
last time, I sat on my bed with a .357 in hand, looking down the barrel, the hammer back, asking myself if I really thought that was the solution. Before concious decision, my finger twitched and I pulled the trigger. I had put 6 loads in the cylinder (not sure what I was going to do with other five), and there was no bang. I admit I flinched a lot when there was no bang. So I tried it again, this time seeing the ugly nose of the slug rotate into position, and pulled the trigger again. No bang, again. I tried one more time, and then my curiosity got the better of me, so I opened it up and looked. The floating firing pin was not striking the primer cap. It was hitting all around it, but missed the one thing to make it go BANG. I looked at the firing pin, and it was bent! I didn't do it. A friend had borrowed it to shoot some hot loads in, and I suppose his hot loads had deformed the pin. I took it to a firing range and pulled the trigger 15 times before a lucky strike caught the edge of a primer cap.
Since I couldn't seem to kill myself, I decided to look elsewhere. Still took me 4 years to find a therapist, but in the meantime, I started working on me. Introspection is not especially fun, but can be useful. By the time I found a good gender therapist (the third one was the charm, the other two were duds) I was ready, and had decided I was going for surgery.
Like you, I doubted my ability to pass. I just couldn't see the femme me in the mirror, but I could in my mind. I decided I didn't care if others saw the real me or not, I was transitioning and having surgery for ME, not them. I talked to my third therapist, and it was obvious I had a few other problems, but the gender thing was the most important. The others would mostly fall into line once that one was out of the way. It took awhile.
I started hormones 4 months in to the therapy. After 6 more months, I was told they would write my letter when I was ready. It seems that I was so certain and secure in who I really was, they were also secure that surgery was the right course for me. I continued working on other small problems, only one of which still is present. Seems I have a difficult time dealing with the death of loved ones, but even that is more manageable. I have outlived all but one or two of them. Money was a problem, and I had lots of debt to be rid of, so it was not until 2010 I could have surgery. In the meantime, I learned I could live as myself, shop, and interact with the world. I am sure I was read, but I was acceptable. I think once you learn what you need to learn about presentation, you will find the same. I started by dressing increasingly androgenously, and gradually between attitude and effects of hormones I was addressed as maam most of the time, then all of the time. Again, I am not the most passable, but I am acceptable, and you will be too. Just remember to smile. Hang on to your job as long as you can, and try to sock away all the moolah you can. You will need it.
And find and keep your sense of humor. I was in line at a Wally's Wonderful World during my experimental phase, to check out and a obvious pimply faced college froshie who was with two others (one a girl) said to me, "Hey, you ever been a man?" So I said "No, have you?" and he was totally embarrassed and left the store. Everyone all around us waa laughing at him! not me.
So, hang in there. Yeah, it is expensive overall. But it is cheap in terms of the satisfaction with life you get from transitioning. If you live in Texas, I do recommend E-3000 for eliminating facial hair. I drove from OKC to Carrollton multiple times over two years, but each visit costs less and less as there is less and less hair. And they are nice folks that understand and are supportive. And that is a good first step in making the dream real. Life is sooo much nicer now.
CaroL
CaroL
Thank you Carol
Thank you for sharing. I live in the other quadrant of the Dallas metroplex. I am still uncertain about etiquette, I have lots to learn. I will start with hair, I will not miss it ever (wouldn't even if I weren't transitioning). It seems a good starting point.
My GT took vacation for my 3rd week, when I last saw her I was waffling, now I have made up my mind. I have missed her, but in her absence I have a lot of questions. I am not in a hurry, I plan on going slow. Too bad I can't take the hair off my face and chest and move it up top though. I have many questions, to which I suspect the answers will be referrals to experts. Good enough. I am betting a wig is somewhere down the line soon though.
I visited my friend today, he was in default male mode, though I suspect the default will change with time. His son showed off for me, but that's OK, as I like kids (a lot). He showed me the video of him telling his wife who also showed up at the TG meeting. It caught her by surprise, but after the initial shock, no big deal. This woman has decided to keep her husband after the initial revelation, I guess I'm no big deal after that. :) Still, it is good to have friends. One fear gone.
They tell me it is no big deal to just walk in and get a basic pedicure. I have long nails, but they are unkempt. I am not after nail polish (I am stealth), they don't have to stay long, part of it is I have finally stopped biting them after a lifetime, and I just need to learn the beginners basics of maintenance.
I hate that term. TMI
I feel there is never TMI amongst humans. I admit I don't wanna hear every detail sound, texture and other things... but if you want me to know... I'm hear to listen.
Everyone in my family cringes when someone whines... TMI! We just shake our head and think... gawd what an ass.
So lay on MacDuff!
Dayna.
Disagree on TMI
There are things about each and every one of us that would destroy families, rip apart friendships and relationships, and possibly even trigger murders and suicides should they ever come out. Nobody is completely truthful. TMI is simply an acknowledgement of one of the unwritten rules of human society. Since as far as I know there are no psychologists or psychiatrists here who are seeing other people on here as patients, there is already far too much TMI on here. Nobody on here is truly anonymous, and any reasonably skilled data miner could put together enough information about certain people to totally ruin their lives if it were made public. So yes, people are revealing TMI. Loose tongues can destroy lives.
Somebody saying TMI to another does not make that person an ass, it means that person realizes the information being aired should not be revealed in a public forum.
“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.” - Turkish Proverb
I tend to agree,
And then there is the stuff that is necessary but disgusting. At three we share way too much information about the bathroom, at 30 not so much.
My friend is showing the effect of HRT, but it is easy to disguise In certain parts of town and with certain people you could get hurt or killed, basically for TMI. I mentioned this, but I feel if I can get my weight under control life will be much easier, even with a transition. One of the ladies in the meeting I would not look twice at, she wasn't ugly, she wasn't pretty, she was unremarkable. Pretty is good, but I would settle for giving as little information as possible.
All of us here have similar afflictions. This may be insulting to some, but the fact is, I feel like TS is not a good thing in my life. It is a necessary reality I have to deal with, and among others who have (or have had) the same problem I feel comfortable sharing.
I am a moderator with a very popular electronics web site. I don't think I will be sharing there anytime soon. Here I am understood and accepted, there I am valued for my electronics knowledge and experience, but I doubt there would be any acceptance. I may even be asked to step down as a moderator for giving TMI.
TBH...
I've been kinda expecting this from you eventually OddPOV. I went through the same stages, just faster. I think a combination of my younger age at discovery, and the use of a mild opiate to aid the self-introspection, and doing the self-introspection the way I did... It pushed me past the "betweenie" stage more quickly.
You also reminded me of myself with still experiencing depressions despite supposedly having faced yourself... I was still suffering depression while I was allowing myself to begin to break free, whereas true betweenie's seem to be quite happy in between.
I can definitely commiserate on "the last bout" of depression being the scariest... I think, for me, that was what it took for me to start waking up. When you get so depressed that you are literally killing yourself from neglect and sleeping longer and longer and ever longer... It's time to figure out wth is wrong and fix it!
Though honestly... I can't relate on the weight... I was well overweight, yes. But literally as soon as I started opening myself up, it started going down, and as soon as I was "out" the rest just burned right off. I've been maintaining a pretty good weight since.
Bald... No... I was JUST beginning to have a receding hairline, and I fixed that right real quick as soon as I went on licorice root and saw palmetto.
I dunno on the self-hatred... I managed to break it on my own, and it had plagued me what felt like my entire life... Now, the world is mine, and dang it all to heck if it doesn't let me be me.
Abigail Drew.
Moving forward, loosing weight.
Well, I am loosing weight. It is my count down timer for HRT. I seem to be holding at 226 finally, after being stuck at 230 for a long time. This week I'm chronically short of time, but durn if I know where it is going. I've been trying to walk 3 miles a day, but the best I've done is 3 times in a week, and that was last week. This week nada, I'm hoping for Friday.
I've gotten a checkup scheduled, after about 4 or more years. Thinking about it I had my Mom reminding me about my health, but when she passed it wasn't worth it somehow.
The depth of depression has reduced dramatically, though I'm still going through them. Now and then dieing doesn't seem such a bad option, but the grinding despair driving it is gone. The GT is helping. I've joined the local TG group. Not quite ready for cross dressing, but I'm working on it (shopping takes time, more so when you don't have a clue).