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This is not a contest! Because I don't have the time to run another contest just now. But it is a challenge to authors to write a short story or novelette on a Christmas Eve theme between now and the 12th day of Christmas +1. That's Sunday, January 6, 2008 at 11:59 pm PST -- A deadline that is as firm as the artificial spray-on snow baked onto those old-style lights you've got up in the attic. :)
And don't let this non-contest interfere with getting your novel in on time!
- Erin
Comments
Not another contest, well, non-contest
Erin,
Yourrrr disssspicable.
There, I had to do Daffy Duck once this year or snap. Hum, someone dug up Lady Lionel over at Stardust recently and I did start this sequal, it could be a Christmas Eve or ... Eve, Eve is a woman's name, hum?????
I claim first dibs on any theme involving a man, say Evan or Ethan becoming Eve on Christmas Eve.
I hope your mom is getting better. They had a repeat on the Peoples' Pharmacy on public radio and the guest is the woman doctor whose newspaper column on medical dianoses was the inspiration for "House". Figures, they would make it a man.
A patient of hers a while back -- 64 and recovering from a stroke -- came in for an exam and had a pulse of 25 and sounded like a tape being played way too slow. Turns out and enlarged prostrate blocked his urethra and he couldn't pee. His potasium level was sky high and that cased all the trouble --too much or too little potasiunm is fatal but the kidneys usually reguate that tightly. They got a catheter into him and in a few hours he was fine.
I hope what ever is wrong with your mom is as easily fixed. Now get some rest, your'e looking a might peaked, Erin.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I claim first dibs on any
So if I call him Adam it's ok?
Actually, I've got an idea for a story about a church nativity pageant that might work so I may not need to do "Christmas Adam."
christmas storys TO ADMISTRATOR?
i wood love to see NEW STORYS AND NEW CHRISTMAS STORYS NOT ONE WERE IT BEEN IN FM OR STORY SITE OR ONE OF THAM BUT NEW STORYS AND I WOOD LOVE TO HAVE THAM WHO WRORE A FEW UP DATE THAM WHY NOT MAKE IT A RULL IF IT GONNA BE A LOUNG STORY THAY HAVE TO FINSH IT ALL BEFOR THAY CAN PUT IT ON HERE AND I WOOD LIKE TO SEE A LOT MOTE PRE TEEN AND TEEN FROM 13 TO 19LIKE THE STORY OF GABBY ITS GOOD BUT WOOD LOVE FOR THE ONE LIKE THAT TO HAVE TO WRITE IT ONLY IN USA ENGLISH,OK I DONT WANT TO SEEM MEEN BUT IN A FEW STORYS SOME ONE WILL SAY I PUT SOMETHING IN THE BOOT OF THE CAR ,IE CARS DONT HAVE BOOTS AND IN ONE STORY SOME ONE WAS SAYING SOME BOY PUT ON A PR OF NICKER SO I HAD TO LOOK THAT UP TO FIND OUT THAY MENT A PR OF PANTYS IT GET KINDA HAD TRAYING TO GO ALOUNG WITH SOME STORYS WHEN YOU HAVE TO STOP TO LOOK UP THINGS BUT I DUE LOVE TO READ A LOT OF THE GOOD STORYS HERE EVERY ONE IS SO GOOD I LIKE ANGLES STORYS TO THAY KINDA MAKE YOU CRY,BUT GOOD THANKS AND HAVE A GOOD ONE ,[email protected]
mr charlles r purcell
verry good story i wood love to see a lot more of this all i can say is wow verry good thanks for shareing
Impossible to read
All caps is not an effective way to communicate.
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
USA English only
Hi,
I'm English - I live in England. I have the same sort of issue you do, but the opposite way round. I'm reading stories and find people putting things in the trunk of the car. Trunk? Only elephants have trunks, don't they?
I suppose I'm lucky that I'm apparently worldlier. I can appreciate writing from wherever it comes from and appreciate the effort that authors put into their stories. Remember America is not the only country in the world, and if you only focus on items written in USA English, you will miss out on a rich variety of life that is out there.
Hugs
Karen
You gotta love this old hippie!
Whildchild!
Your enthusiasm for this site & the stories here and (I would guess) for life itself is so cool, it always brings a smile to my face, and you make the writers you review feel really good, knowing they've got someone who appreciates their work like you do!
BUT---now this is just my opinion---we can't demand that English and Irish people, Scots and all them
write and talk like us. This is their site as much as its yours or mine; and they were here on this Earth
(and talking funny) before we as a nation were. Looking up stuff can be a little bit of a hassle, but it
ends up with us knowing more about the world, about other cultures and all that, and it is just 100 or
200 words that are different, you pick it up quick enough. The same inclusive spirit and acceptance
we feel toward every sort of gender identity, and every sexual taste that doesn't hurt anyone,
should goes for accents and dialects too. At least that's how I see it...
~~~take care and God bless! LAIKA
"Government will only recognize 2 genders, male + female,
as assigned at birth-" (In his own words:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1lugbpMKDU
Misspellings are OK
Its the all caps that are annoying. We have visitors and authors from countries all around the world and most of them follow the same convention of typing in lowercase as its more readable. Thats what the fuss is about. Not the word usage or misspellings, or punctuation. And its definately not a culture issue either.
Sephrena Lynn Miller
BigCloset TopShelf
English
I seem to recall that you had this same problem with my stories on FM.
I'm English and I had a go at writing in USA English, but unfortunately Word nearly had a fit, so now I write in my native tongue. I try and keep colloquialisms to a minimum and try also to keep to generalities. This way, I don't give the readers too many problems.
For your future reference:
Boot (when referring to a car) - Trunk
Bonnet (car again) - hood
Windscreen (car - again) - windshield
Pavement - sidewalk
Mudguard - fender
Knickers - panties
Jumper - sweater
Pants - men's undergarments
Trousers - pants
Tights - pantyhose
Suspenders - Garter belt
Vest - Tank top
Car park - parking lot
Chemist - drug store
Shopping centre - mall
There are others, but I think that's enough to keep you going and by rights, the context should be enough of a guide for you to tell what is being referred to.
Nick
English English Vade Mecum
Not all the English are sympathetic, as Nick is, to the problems of others.
Some of them are inconsiderate bastards who have no regard whatsoever for other peoples' sensibilities, and who in fact take a perverse delight in making life as difficult as they can for them.
I am one of these. I attribute it to my deprived formative years, and even more deprived adult ones. So it isn't my fault!
To coincide with the posting of my next major opus I am therefor offering a correspondence course in obscure and archaic English words liable to confuse both foreigners and the less imaginative English, with special emphasis on the the faux-cockney dialect, including several inventions and aberrations of my own devising. Examples of alternative spellings and typos will abound.
Just send me a small gold ingot. Mark the parcel "Red Cross Christmas Relief Aid."
Allow for a six months delivery delay as the response to this never-to-be-repeated offer might well be overwhelming.
A substantial, if as yet imprecise, proportion of all monies received will be donated to a suitable charity.
The remainder will also go to me.
Hugs,
Fleurie
Suitable charity
Would that be the "Keep Fleurie in the manner to which she should be accustomed" charity perchance?
Send those gold bars to fleurie all in care of ...
John in Wauwatosa.
Aina'hey, what's wrong with good-ol' American English? Weas'eles speak gud here, You betcha. Yoose furiners just had gots to learn to speak normal.
Ufda!
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I was right with you...
...until the second line.
My apologies, but I require slightly more eloquence to understand your diction.
I feel it's only fair I point out the the language is English - as in United Kingdom and if I'm not much mistaken, with a little help from the Norse and French, Germans, Greeks and Italians, we invented this language.
Trust the Americans to think it's theirs.
For goodness sake!
Nick
PS
I don't give a shit really...
Long Live the Cultural Revolution!
I didn't understand John either. I think he was doing that northern states Scandinavian thing (like in Fargo, and Lawrence Welk). I believe "Ufda!" is what they say when they get constipated from all that cheese. After we correct the rest of the world's speech, and get them eating GOOD OLD USA HOT DOGS instead of them weird banger things, we're definitely going to need to clean up our own house, via an intense program of
"cultural re-education", and get all these Yumpin Yiminy Minnesotans and drawling southern peckerwoods talking proper Californian. Like totally!
~~~Laika
"Government will only recognize 2 genders, male + female,
as assigned at birth-" (In his own words:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1lugbpMKDU
Ufda
When spelled correctly, "uffda" is self-explanatory, as it is a bit of a onomatopoeia. I know; I got my B.S. in Fargo.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Uffda
I'll uffda bear that in mind...
It's going to be uphill ....
...all the way John I fear.
First though I hereby acknowledge receipt of the gold ingot which I duly received and which is, even as I write, being melted down for easier handling by the Charity Commissioners.
I don't quite know how to put this .... but .... well.... let's say ..... until your last post I hadn't realised how dire your need was. Nor the work involved on our side.
I think we are going to need at least a couple more ingots to be truly effective. And do you think you could make them a little larger this time? I know there is some discrepancy between British and U.S. measurements, but surely not that much!
And perhaps you could explain about the weasels? Are they really so valued by furriers? Or should that be farriers? Surely you don't shoe them though?
Hugs,
Fleurie
All right minded people .....
.... will be as saddened as I Nick by this evidence of a deep rooted cynicism which sits so ill on such youthful shoulders.
It has been suggested to me that such may lie at the root of your lack as success as a writer. You need to cultivate a more understanding and sensitive approach. You need above all to empathise with people, their problems and aspirations.
Fortunately help is at hand!
I am exceptionally in the position of being able to offer you a companion volume to my recent work on English English as she is spoke. This is entitled 'How to Succeed as a Writer by Adopting a more Understanding and Sensitive Approach'.
This will not altogether of course compensate altogether for your innate lack of talent but it should help you to produce shorter stories of the more banal genre. Included in it is an Appendix detailing some of the universally acclaimed rules which govern the author's craft and which, it is reliably reported, you have a distressing tendency to ignore.
To you, by virtue of our long friendship, the book is entirely FREE. My accountants insist that there is a small nominal charge to cover postage, packing, and sundry administrative costs of a minor nature but otherwise it is absolutely FREE!!
Just send a small gold ingot to cover said expenses and this Treasure Trove of Experience, this Gateway to Success, will be yours to study over the Christmas period and through the long years ahead. Amaze your new found French friends with your incisive analysis of Proust! As an added bonus I will include my Granny's recipe for madeleines/rock cakes.
There is available a deluxe limited edition, bound in Moroccan leather, signed by the author, and with none of its pages missing. This valuable item which is truly destined for tomorrow's 'Antiques Road Show' can be yours for only one gold ingot more to cover Recorded Express Delivery charges, extra administration, better quality jiffy bag, etc.
Please mark the parcel of ingots with the words 'Charités Sans Frontières Christmas Appeal'
Hugs,
Fleurie
Banal, here I come!
This deep rooted cynicism is about to change.
Thanks to Fleurie, I will be able to produce such jaw dropping banality, the like of which has never before been read on Big Closet Top Shelf.
True, it won't make up for my severe lack of talent, but hopefully the boring nature of my new stories will be such that the missing talent will be hidden under a much wider set of issues - like how to keep people awake long enough to post a comment or vote.
Thanks to Fleurie's overwhelming generosity, I will be able to amaze my friends with the absolute lack of anything literary to pass from this keyboard into the Cyber ether.
Will Nicks lack of talent get him into yet more bother or will the indomitable Fleurie once again step in to save the day?
Will his stories get shorter or is that just wishful thinking?
Watch out for the next exciting episode...
Even Americans Have Regional Differences
English being a dynamic language, words often mean something very different. For instance, most Americans think a gopher is a rodent. In parts of the South, it refers to a tortoise. Just go to the Gopher Races in Panama City, FL to see what I mean.
Other differences
Soda is known as "pop" in the Midwest and as "Tonic" in New England.
The sandwich known as a Hoagie in the Philadelphia area is called a "sub" in most of the country, a "Hero" in New York, and a "ZEP" in Norristown, PA.
That confection most of us call a Milk Shake is called a Frappe in Boston.
"Peas" are green in most of the Northern USA, but refer to Black-eyed peas in the South.
So we Americans have no call to criticize our British cousins. We can't even agree on what the words mean in our own country!
I always thought ...
... a 'gopher' to be the junior member of a project team who is called on by all the senior members to run around and 'gopher' whatever is needed for the project to succeed. But what do I know? I'm only an old engineer who can (almost) spell :)
When I wrote my first story, 'Gun Moll', I offered a glossary of the English I used as much for the benefit of southern English readers as for foreigners. Well, it WAS set in the NE Midlands coalfield of my youth and so may have been alien to many.
btw we seem to getting these 'sub' things over here right now. I always thought they were called baguettes. Perhaps now that the French are once again de rigeur in the USA thanks to the new right wing president, they'll be called that again :)
Geoff
Baguette is the bread used for poor boys
Subs are on an Italian roll. A sub or submarine is the generic for any sandwich on a long roll (or baguette) with a variety of meats, cheese, veggies and condiments. Also called hero, torpedo, zeppelin, blimp, hoagie, poor boy or destroyer. Poor boys are native to New Orleans and are usually on French bread while the others are usually on Italian or sourdough, though variants on other breads may be called by one of the above names.
I used to run a sandwich shop valled "Hoagie's". A guy came in one day and asked in a Philadelphia accent if we made authentic Hoagies. I told him no, but I could come close. So I stacked ham, mozzarella, salami and provolone on an Italian roll with lettuce, red onion, yellow peppers and tomatoes. Then shook on some black pepper, paprika and oregano with olive oil and red wine vinegar. After taking a few bites, he asked how long since I'd been back to Philly. :) I've never been there, I said, I learned to make them like that in Monterey, CA where they are called The Italian Destroyer. :)
British Destroyers have ham, roast beef, cheddar, mayo, mustard, and no peppers at the same shop. :)
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Ain't those po'boys?
and the good ones come with oysters and lots of Tabasco.
Do you do muffulettas like the Central Grocery too, Erin? Could you send me one? (Gah, I'm getting hungry.)
Hugs & Joy
Having great respect for your English usage, Erin ...
... I'll accept that your sandwich shop was supposed to be owned/run by someone called Hoagie and you're not guilty of the intrusive grocer's apostrophe :) However, to a vegetarian like me, it sounds rather inedible but I suppose some might appreciate it. The British Destroyer is little better and would certainly destroy me.
However, before the topic of the problems of the common language expires I would like to warn Britons that US citizens drive on the pavement - so pedestrians watch out.
I do wonder just what all this has to do with a Christmas Eve story non-competition. Digression is often, as here, entertaining - long may it continue.
Geoff
What about the Christmas story Geoff?
I suppose we could always write about someone getting run over (whilst dressed in the clothing of the opposite sex) by a mad Yank who was driving on the pavement, eating a submahoagiedestroyer and counting out gold bars for a book on English language.
You think?
Maybe he wasn't mad .....
.... after all? Maybe an unusually acute detective (Hyacinthe Poireau or Candida Doylie?) noticed that he was driving on the right, as in wrong, side of the pavement? Or alternatively left, as in right, side of the pavement. Depending of course whether one is approaching from the North or the South.
Which would prove that either a) He wasn't mad, or b) He wasn't a Yank, or c) It wasn't intentional, or d) He ran over the wrong person, or e) He had got lost and harboured the delusion he was in another country.
And when they tested the blood on the bumper for a DNA sample it was discovered that it was in fact a fender! Which would point to CIA involvement!
And then .... And then....
but it is Geoff's/Nick's story and I would not like to pre-empt the whole plot!
Hugs,
Fleurie
P.S. Good to see that you are benefiting from the few basic rules as laid out in Chapter 1 Nick. Such an improvement!
Go on then...
...ruin the plot.
You've taken all my best ideas. I don't expect Geoff to be too happy either.
On the contrary ...
... I'm delighted. It means I won't have to get off my arse (ass?) and actually write something. The only creative writing I seem to do right now is descriptions for my eBay sales, and they get very creative sometimes :)
I have a very long term extreme dislike of Christmas and all its ramifications so any story I write on that theme would be unlikely to elicit universal (or even any?) approval. Anyone for a dystopia based on an evil Santa Claus and a Middle Eastern myth?
Geoff
Au contraire
Spoilsport
I have an idea .....
.... that it's already been done Geoff. A chap called Blair played Santa's little helper as I recall.
But I am not sure. My OED is missing pages DROOPY to DZIGGETAI, they being used to save my computer keyboard from split coffee, and I am not well educated enough to know what a dystopia is. So maybe not.
Hugs,
Fleurie
P.S. What is it?
Dystopia?
It's the opposite of Utopia. ie a rotten place to live like the ones described in 'Brave New World' or '1984'. Which, I'm sure you knew all along :) btw my education in English ended at 16 when I left school, so not well educated at all.
I'm wondering just which Blair you mean, Fleurie. Both Ian and Tony of that ilk have had their bad moments lately and my mention of 1984 reminds me that George Orwell's real name was also Blair - Eric Blair. The hero in my 'Christmas Fairy Queen' story has a lot of me in there somewhere. Unfortunately, the incidents in the tale are completely fictional.
Geoff
The latter Geoff
I didn't know that the Head of the Met had been involved in any Middle Eastern Adventures? Not like Our Tone. Maybe he was though and nobody has told him.
Anyway I am sure neither of them are guilty. Perish the thought.
It's time to move on, as they say.
Allegedly. Big Brother doesn't seem to have monitored either of them quite that closely
Fleurie
A little matter of mistaken identity ...
... might qualify the head of the Met (Ian Blair) as getting mixed up in the Middle East. IIRC his men mistook a Brazilian electrician for a Middle Eastern suicide bomber and shot him very dead indeed using dum-dum bullets at point bank range.
Does that count? Perhaps I should write the bloody (literally) story? :)
Geoff
Sub-Judice?
No it isn't is it. Not now. Not after our valiant men in blue have been individually proven innocent (although collectively guilty? I am still trying to work that out!) of murdering an innocent passer-by.
I know foreigners don't count but they didn't know that he was one at the time. After all we are quite capable of growing our own terrorists. Seven bullets I think they needed. Dear, dear, I thought they were trying to cut down on excessive expenditure. I blame it on all this practicing on cardboard cut outs. Difficult to stop them twitching.
Mind you point blank range is good. With their degree of ineptitude they might have killed a couple of hundred innocents from any further away.
It is good to know it was nobody's fault though. Makes one sleep easier a-bed o' nights.
Hugs,
Fleurie
Um... topic here?
Just to remind you two natterers, none of the above has anything to do with the story challenge and while you two have been having a chin-wag, Krissipoos has upped and written a story.
Come on ladies, get it together.
It happened upon a midnight clear....
I have been having 'puter problems, but I am working on a story, but it is going to be -- well, out of the ordinary.
The plot is something that I have threatened to do and the ending -- well, I don't know -- maybe it is one of them thar stories that I should not claim to write.
Just mark it all up to the fact that I am not well -- that is, if anyone gets nerve enough to read it.
Oh, it is nothing nasty, just that it is -- well, wait and see. My puter may finish tearing up anyway.
Love,
Billie Sue
Billie Sue