The
Christmas Ditz also part 2 of 3

My attempt at a Hard Boiled Detective story. Hope it is not as confusing. Have tried to explain certain hard boiled words and statements. Goddess Bless you All.

As we pulled up he asked, "How bout inviting me up for some coffee at least?" I could not be believe this guy, I was going to tell him off, but he had already jumped out of the car and started around to the passenger side. How was I going to tell him stop when he would not accept no as an answer. That point became moot as I heard a deep menacing voice say, "Your dead Diamond." I ducked down in the seat, as those words never meant anything good. I was right as I heard the report of a 22 colt automatic. I watched as Sergeant Donner slide down the side of the car.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a big blond muscle bound sleaze ball, who did not know I was in drag and obviously had no idea what I looked like. He ran to a black '65 convertible GTO. I gritted my teeth at the sight. That bastard had my old car, I had to sell my goat to cover some back rent. I really missed it, I watched the scum of a thug drive away in my 'baby'. As I slid across to the drivers side, I picked up the police Radio, "Officer Down at Vine and Sunset. Suspect is a white Male about six foot tall, wearing black t-shirt, and pants, blonde muscle builder. Driving a black '65 convertible GTO, California vanity plates MY65GTO, heading eastbound on Vine boulevard." With that taken care of, I slid out to check on Donner's condition. I was lucky he was unconscious and the street was empty. My skirt had slid up almost over my hips, looking around to see if anyone had seen. I quickly pulled my dress down, my cheeks red with embarrassment.

Donner was lucky he was still breathing. Seems the hired muscle wasn't well informed, or a very good shot, missed from two feet away. I ripped the bottom of the dress. I know, 'so cliché', then used it for a make shift bandage to try and stop the bleeding. As I bandaged Donner, I mused 'Now I'll be up for another three to five hours, answering the same questions four or five times.' I was lucky when the Boys in blue arrive, Lieutenant Santino is the scene leader. Sort of wish he had been in charge out at Shendo's house. But then would I have caught a cab and a bullet. At least Santino had worked the Acme Cruise Line case, where I was going to go undercover. Also he was still a good friend. I waved, "Hey, Lieutenant Santino. Can I go up to my office and get warm? It's been a really bad night."

Lieutenant Santino did a double take before exclaiming, "Diamond?! Yeah sure, I'll send a Uniform up to stay by the door." "Thanks Lieutenant." I smiled thinking maybe I would get away with no other remarks, when Santino added, "Oh, and Diamond, one more thing. You look really great. You should dress like that all the time," he chuckled, as he went to check on what the paramedics could tell him about Donner. 'Why me?' I thought, shaking my head despondently before I headed up to my office with a Uniform as my shadow.

************

I was so beat, I didn't even bother with getting out of drag. I just sat down at Shyla's old desk, poured four fingers of Tanq(ueray), kicked my heels off, unhooked the heater from my thigh and took a healthy swig, when I heard, "I'm Santa, where is my medallion?" When I opened my eyes I saw a real dish in an abbreviated Santa suit, really abbreviated. She was almost falling out, at both the top and the bottom. Amazing how many curvy powder-puffs had been in my life lately, Well okay, just three, and only if you count me.

This was slowing down my thought process on who wanted me dead. Still, I remembered I'd put the Medallion in the clutch. So I grabbed the purse and got the necklace out, tossing it to the Sexy Santa. "Aren't you a little early Santa?"

"Actually We work year round, just the wishes happen during the month of December. Thank you for returning my Medallion. I'd have been in big trouble if I'd lost it again. I never would have gotten my rounds done. Every year it's harder to make sure everyone gets what they deserve." She'd started of so happy but ended with sadness in her voice.

She looked frazzled, and I was still waiting for the Law to come give me the third. I decided to share what little wealth I had. "You look lower than a grifter with a Chinese angle.(lower than a polecats belly) Can I buy you a drink?" I pulled another glass from the drawer and poured her a couple of shots worth.

"Thank you, you're too kind." She chugged it and set it down, but didn't lift her hand from the glass, so I poured her another round. She gulped down about half, sighing,"Oh that's hitting the spot." Looking more relaxed, she sipped on the rest of the gin.

"Well it looks like we're both having a hard day. Been a bad run for me, the woman I loved left me and the only ones that seem interested in me are men. I just don't know what to do about it." I've no idea why I was so willing to share with this complete stranger, but I figure she was okay, as the flatfoot by the door wouldn't of let her in without a good ID. I must have been Mickey Finned because felt everything slip away.

Santa's POV: 'What a poor soul. Fates dealt her a pretty bad hand,' she thought about it for only a second before saying, "Well, I do owe her one." She placed her hands on her medallion and watched as the sad detective passed out on the desk. "I know what to give you. Sleep and when you wake you'll receive the following gifts, you'll find men attractive, find joy and happiness in pleasing them, and the shape you wear is the shape you shall have. Love and it shall bring you great joy." Checking the time, she sighed, "Oh well, time to go. Just let me fix your dress before I go." As she disappeared, she smiled, knowing it was another job well done, saying, "Tata Diamond."

I was roused from a deep sleep, as someone shook my shoulder, "Wake up Diamond, I need to hear what you saw out there." It was Lieutenant Santino, I felt a little strange, but put it down to being tired and a little buzzed. I sat up, "Lieutenant Santino, what ever you wish I'd be happy to do." I giggled and flipped my hair, WAIT... that is so wrong! OH God!!! The Double D's are real, as are the rest of the curves... and they feel so good. Then I noticed something else. I wasn't wearing anything under the dress. What happened to my underwear? I suddenly remembered that the latex form I'd worn was part of the underwear and since the curves I have now are real flesh and blood, not synthetic, the underwear was gone. "So, um, Leo," I found myself flirting, "Want to squeeze this hot tomato?"

“Diamond, now's not the time. Have you had anything to eat today? You've got to stop this crazy dieting. You're close to being too thin. Now, just tell me what happened when you and Donner arrived at the scene, then I'll get out of here and you can get some sleep." He grabbed a Zone bar out of the drawer, "Eat this, your blood sugar is probably too low."

I did my best to rein in the raging hormones. Slowly I unwrapped the bar, watching him the entire time, and took a small bite, then a larger one. It was so good. "Well, when we got here Donner parked, and got out to open my door, like a true gentleman. But when he got to my door, this blond well muscled hunk in black said, 'Your dead Diamond', and shot him with a 22 caliber Colt automatic. I guess the hitter was not informed of my Gender.”

'Now the shooting was really strange, especially to everyone else, as I was the only one that knew about my change to the fairer form.' “Then the perp ran east, to a black 66 convertible GTO, California vanity plates MY66GTO, got in and headed east on Vine boulevard."

Leo interrupted me, "Oh,geez Diamond that's almost the same as yours, but you've a '65." New info for me, seems my daddy had given me the Goat on my sixteenth birthday and when I turned twenty one he gave me a '66 Alfa GTA.

Continuing my statement, "I slid across to the drivers door and came around, made a bandage for his wound, from the lining of my dress..." 'which now seems to be magically repaired,' "Then once you arrived I came upstairs." I recrossed my legs, and let the skirt ride a lot higher. Thinking, 'Wait stop that.' while still finding myself giggling and smiling at Leo. "I'm a little concerned about who wants me dead, and has anyone been sent to make sure Mrs. Ritz is safe." I started to recross my legs, but stopped. If the hem of my dress traveled up much higher, I'm sure he'd know if I colored my hair.....NO He wouldn't, there is nothing to compare!!! I grabbed the hem with both hands, pushing hem back down.

Leo filled me in, "Mrs Ritz has a security detail, and the hitter "hunk" is in custody, though he lawyer-ed up, so no leads from him on who paid for the hit. Diamond, what have you been working on that may have made someone want you dead?"

I started to say, I had no clients in over three months when my mind was flooded with a new life and list of clients. I was speaking sort of uncertainly, Leo put it down to me being worn out, "Um, there have been thirty or forty clients that Diamond investigations have been doing work for in the last month alone. I handled five cases on my own and helped on nine others, so only fourteen cases. That should
make it easier to figure out."

More memories flooded my mind as my history was rewritten, overwriting my previous life. Now I realized we were sitting in the reception hall of the secretarial floor. The gumshoe offices were on the next three floors of the building, with my office and living quarters being on the top floor of this thirteen story building. The top floor was the Penthouse numbered PH1 and PH2 so as to avoid numbering a floor the 13th. "Well come on up, and see me big boy," I said, as I headed to the elevator.

Leo followed, and I knew he was getting an eyeful. I tried not to wiggle and shimmy too much. It's just the heels and the satin dress felt so scrumptious, so I know I did. I guess I got what I wanted, because soon Leo and I were in a clinch and lip lock. It continued long after we reached the penthouse. Leo broke from the kiss, quot;Diamond you really know how to make a man feel good. You don't know how hard it is bein' a man looking at a woman looking the way you do." I felt the hardness growing between us, "Mm mm looks like it's true, a hard man is good to find."

Arrrgh got to stop that, find out who wants to kill me first, sex later. Not even noticing or caring how easy I took to this situation. I led Leo to my office, and pulled up the files for the cases I'd been working. Then I noticed the paper again and realized something. The lost piece, I now had it. I cried out, "I got it, this all has to do with the Aoi Satomi poisoning. I haven't received the final notes, but it looks like the Yakuza is involved. Just a moment I'll bring that file up see what we have."

It seems Mr and Mrs. Ritz were Aoi's sponsors that brought her here. They were instrumental in kick-starting her career and are major investors in the Dojo's she runs. 'If I'd been the Diamond I was now, yesterday, this information would have made more sense,' I thought and then I got depressed as I realized, If I'd been this Diamond. I might have been able to keep Mr. Ritz and Miss. Shendo alive. Leo noticed how bitter and depressed I'd become and came over to comfort me. God, how I wanted him to play hide the salami, but there were ends that needed tying up.

"Why don't you call Kisa, see if she can help?" I asked Leo. We had been in high school together, along with Shyla. Kisa had taken over the family Business, while Leo, Shyla, and I had gone to the police academy. "I need a shower and a change of clothes. Be right back lover." Arrrgh, I ran off to my apartment.

Hopefully Leo would have some good luck on the blower while I took a shower and got into some work clothes. As I look through my closet my mind is filled with the opinions on my clothing choices. A lot of people don't appreciate what I call work clothes due to the plunging necklines and brevity of my skirts. The best thing I've heard about my work clothes is that they are cute and stylish. The worst of the comments was strumpet-garb(slut wear for those not living the hard boiled life).

I did my make-up and hair on auto-pilot. For some reason, maybe since Christmas was coming, I unconsciously put out a silver glam Santa outfit, consisting of a white and silver sequined Santa hat, silver sequined spaghetti strap top, white faux fur mini skirt, white fishnet stockings, white rhumba bikini panties, over a metallic silver thong with a red satin bow attached to the back of the waist band with silver peep toed stiletto slides. Just before I put on the skirt, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I looked like blonde bimbo Santa's helper.

I found myself second guessing what I was wearing, but realized I didn't have time to pick anything else out. I was still having a little trouble processing everything that happened this evening, but at least I was starting to understand the concepts. Man, woman, whatever, as long as I was alive and well, that was what mattered. So as I got dressed I took stock of what I had now, versus yesterday. Actually, I feel almost the same. Just as intelligent, but with a bit more insight (especially with women). Yesterday, It was just me working at this office, today there are forty employees, thirty of them PI's. So the resources for keeping me alive was much greater now than yesterday. Thank you Santa. On the con side it seems my libido is open full throttle and I jiggled in places I'm not used too.

As I stepped back into the office, I dropped Leo's gift. I bent over to pick it up, knowing someone was watching. Leo really appreciated the way I looked. I gave Leo his gift, "You'll just have to wait till we find the killers to thank 'Santa'. Then I'll unwrap that nightstick of yours and give it a good going over."

Leo Smiled "Well Kisa Ikawa came through, she invited us for tea. Though we should try to stay under the radar on that." Kisa is the head of the local Yakuza, so Leo had good reason to want to keep it mum. He rolled his eyes at my glamorized Santa outfit. "Real Low Key Diamond, though I guess for you that is rather sedate. After we meet with Ikawa we should go to UC Irvine Medical Center to see Aoi Satomi."

Soon we were back in the elevator, playing grope, grind and probe, till we got to the first floor. It felt really good, I found. Also it was good that I'd worn a pad without even thinking about it. Although I'd just about soaked it through already. So it wouldn't be long till I'd have juices running down my legs. I was still feeling pretty good considering my lack of sleep, and Leo looked totally electable. Though he needed a shave, I loved the rugged look he had. Leo, always a gentleman, opened the door and I slid in, my damp panties on display. Looks like the Crime Investigation team had finished as there was only one uniform keeping the area secure.

************

Leo drove us over to Kyoto Grand Hotel and Gardens in Little Tokyo. We were met by two samurais, complete with swords. They bowed and indicated we were to follow them. Soon we were in another elevator, but did not feel like putting on a floor show for the hired help. From there we were led to the center of the gardens where Kisa Ikawa was holding court. We both knew to stay quiet unless spoken too, as speaking out of turn could get you a Wooden Kimono (cement overcoat).

"Konnnichiwa,Miss Diamond, I commend you on your commitment to honor and you too Detective Santino, one of the most honorable police officer's I've ever met." Kisa had certain protocols to follow and we did our best to be on our best behavior. We bowed in response. Miss Diamond, we helped your agency find the truth about the poisoning of Aoi Satomi. We do not condone such an act as it hurts the entire Japanese community. After all Aoi was a leader, bringing so much good press to the Japanese community."

I responded with my best, "Domo Arigato Kumicho Ikawa." (Her title was local, over all Kisa was the second woman to be in such a high position, though her place in the big scheme she was a Kyodai, big Brother/Sister)

With the formalities out of the way tea was served with Green Tea Kuzumochi(sort of a sweet rice ball) as Kisa, suddenly changed from formal to friendly, "So Leo, has Diamond finally snagged you?"

Leo looked at me, "I think it's mutual." we both smiled. She smiled back at us sweetly before her face turned stern as she went back to business. She pushed a piece of paper across the table to me, "We're unable to move against the person named as he is Ronin from the old country on business for the Wakagashira of the Tokyo branch. He hired some local talent to take care of loose ends, those associates are also listed. We wished to put end to this ill conceived mission ourselves, but our hands are tied." She stood and bowed to us, "Well Diamond and Leo, I wish you both luck and love in your relationship, good day." With that our audience was over, Kisa left us with the tea.

Her Saiko-komon(Number one Administrator) spoke, "The tea is a gift too your future. Enjoy the tea and the ambiance of the garden." We finished the tea and cakes, as to do otherwise would insult Kisa. I was fighting with myself not to strip down and take his hard wood... NO, stop it, I may be a woman now, and it feels so good to make Leo smile... and touch him, but I was not ready for sex. I got myself under control as we finished the tea. As we walked through the gardens I enjoyed their beauty. It felt so nice being there with Leo, but it was getting to be tough, this feeling of want. I had to fight wrapping my legs around Leo. It's was really romantic as we kissed, waiting for the elevator.

Why does it feel so good. I found I now really needed to change my pad as my legs were glistening and my feet were getting wet. As we headed back to his car, I had to ask, "Leo are you holding back? " My heart skipped as he smiled at me and said, "Diamond I love you, and yes, I have been holding back ever since you came to the precinct as a rookie. When you left the force I thought we had a chance. Though at the time I didn't know you and Shyla were that close. I've been holding back now because I didn't want to pressure you so close to your breakup with Shyla. So I've been taking it slow, but being with you now and the way you've kissed me. I'm hooked. I want to be with you, now and always."

Unconsciously, I giggled and smiled, "Thank you Leo, and I sort of think I Love you as well." I felt lost, I was in love with Leo, but I was a man less than twenty four hours ago. But I wanted, well needed to be with him. I wanted to shag him so bad, all night long. My body seems to be wired for sex and I can't stop it. I have to get my mind back on the case. Leo radioed the info on the Ronin from Japan as well as his known associates. Thing is I'd a feeling there was something more to this case than what was showing. "Leo I have a very bad feeling about this case. There is something wrong, it feels very fishy."