Christmas always made me think of Charlie…
It was that time of year again; that time of year the last week before Christmas when everyone else around me was busy thinking of what last minute gifts to buy for whom. What sales to hit for the best bargains what parties to go to. Me, I mostly thought of Charlie…

I sat in my living room watching out my front window feeling melancholy as I always did this time of year, watching the snow fall in large flakes from a light gray sky. I heaved a heavy sigh then took a sip of strong black coffee from the mug in my hands.

The mug read "World's Greatest Dad" I frowned to myself wondering if my kids, now in their late teens, would think that if they really knew everything about the father they loved. If they really knew every intimate detail in my past, all the dark secrets my usually humorous façade hid. If they knew my true inner self kept secret since I was a teenager. How my own fear of discovery by others had led me to turn my back on a friend leading to tragic circumstances that I felt partly responsible for.

"Honey?" I heard my wife of over twenty years call from the kitchen. "Oh there you are. I thought you were going to the mall with me?"

"No, I don’t feel like it, you go." I told her realizing my tone of voice sounded un-intentionally short, I softened my tone smiling slightly at her. "Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like that, I have a couple of things to do, you go ahead I'll see you later."

"Well alright if you don’t feel like it. I just have a couple of things to pick up still." She told me sticking earrings in her ears then fluffing her hair in the hall mirror. "I'll pick up something on the way home I don’t feel like cooking."

"Sounds good, whatever you want." I answered my voice distant and distracted looking out the window. Putting down the mug I stood and walked to the door with her.

"Be careful driving." I suggested kissing her goodbye. Her lips tasting of melons and mint from toothpaste. A strange combination I thought. "It's supposed to snow all night they say."

"I won't be that long; I doubt it will get that bad out." She answered putting her hand on my face looking into my eyes a hint of concern in her big brown eyes. "You sure you're alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine don’t worry it's nothing, just thinking about work that's all." I lied.

She left finally leaving me to my thoughts as I watched her pull out the driveway from the window, the snow drifting past the double panes of glass landing on the brown grass. It was starting to stick I noticed piling one a top the other making little coats of white fluff atop the brown blades. If it keeps up maybe we would have a white Christmas I thought to myself.

Christmas was three days away the kids were still in school before vacation then they would be off filling this normally quiet time in the house with their normal teenage noise. They were good kids and I considered myself lucky, studied hard and seemed well adjusted. I thought about how others might have thought that about me as a teenager, that I was normal and nice, polite and well adjusted.

"Little did they know…?" I said aloud to no one but the fluffy white cat sitting near the Christmas tree. As if to acknowledge my thoughts I felt her rub against my pants leg and looked down at her. She meowed up at me as if to answer.

"What girl, you want some love huh?" I said bending down to scratch her head for a moment.

I stood and walked through the house to the spare room that served as my make shift office and study, locking the door behind me. I pulled open the closet door reaching on the shelf for the box that held some old private memories. Ones best left hid a part of my life better left in this closet. I laughed to myself at the irony of that fitting metaphor.

I sat the large plastic box down on the small bed then returned to the closet pulling another larger box out. This one a large black plastic storage container that had a small combination lock on it. My wife thought it contained my coin collection that was only what the top false section held. I pulled the top part off then pulled out some of the contents under it.

I carefully arranged them on the bed, a short black pleated rayon blend skirt, a white silky button up long sleeve blouse with white pearlescent buttons. A pair of white satin bikini panties with lace trims around the waist and matching underwire bra. My fingers caressed the soft material of the lingerie reverently then sat them down. The rest of the items I pulled out were a pair of dark colored thigh high stockings and a black knit wool sweater.

I stripped all of my clothing off feeling my legs, having shaved them that morning they felt soft and silky to my touch. I pulled the panties on pushing my penis back tightly as I had always done then pulled them up snuggly around my waist. Looking down I was happy with the look, I had long ago learned how to hide my male part so my panties looked smooth.

I pulled the bra on around my hairless waist and pulled the straps up my arms over my hairless shoulders. I sat on the bed and pulled the stockings up my legs luxuriating in that familiar feeling of silky nylon surrounding my shapely legs tightly. I always loved the feeling of stockings on my legs and wished I could wear them all the time. I hardly had the chance to dress up lately these days.

I had to hurry though. I would miss my window of opportunity. I pulled the skirt on zipping it up the side closing it around my slender waist then the blouse which buttoned up with the small white buttons, the hem stopping at the waist of the skirt. The sweater was soft and warm and had a fragrance of lilac and vanilla. It had gold colored buttons which I left open then sat slipping my feet in the black high heels closing the straps around my ankles.

I stood wobbling a little at first, my legs adjusting to the feel and tested walking, I hadn't worn these in several months lucky the four inch heels were wider than stiletto types and a little easier to walk in. I looked at myself in the long mirror on the back of the door admiring my stocking legs in the heels and the shortness of the skirt which came down to mid thigh. Satisfied I sat at the computer desk then pulled out my makeup case from the box.

I had shaven closely this morning knowing my plans moisturizing my face which still looked youthful for my near fifty years. It was only a few moments and my practiced hand had successfully applied my makeup to my satisfaction admiring my now feminine appearance. Black eyeliner drew thickly on my lids; black mascara emphasized and thickened my long curled lashes. A light green eye shadow coated my upper lids to my carefully plucked eye brows accenting my bright green eyes on my face.

I pursed my lips carefully applying the glossy red lipstick to my thick lips making them look plumper and fuller, wiping the excess with a tissue. A slight amount of blush applied to my cheeks and I felt happy with the outcome. The last item was the auburn wig that I pinned to my head and wig cap concealing and sealing my feminine appearance with finality. I smiled coyly at my reflection in the portable mirror on the desk and stood up smoothing my skirt.

I opened the door and walked through the house, my heels clicking loudly on the wooden floor announcing definitively my presence in the house like the bell on a church. Here comes another closeted cross dresser they called out to anyone within ear shot. My careful deliberate steps made my hips sway the skirt swinging silkily across my round satin covered bottom. Anyone looking in the windows would think I was just the lady of the house until of course they felt under my skirt finding what was hidden bent back in my snug panties tingling from the sensual feelings.

My fingers held the old news paper clipping tightly adding to the impressions from my fingers of years gone past. This time it would be different, this time I would change the outcome, it had to work the old woman had promised. Walking back to the living room I thought about meeting her by chance, wandering into her shop concealed down an alley I had never noticed before.

It was a strange little shop smelling old and musty dust covering most of the items which were arranged on equally dusty shelves in no particular order or reason. I walked through the strange little shop looking at the various items curios of various styles and colors, little jewelry boxes and trinkets. I hoped I could find something for my wife her, something different for Christmas, after twenty years I found it harder to find something interesting.

"You won't find what you need on those shelves deary." A woman's voice called to me it sounded creaky and aged as dusty and unused as the items on the shelves.

I turned looking for the voice walking through the small cluttered shop then spied her sitting in an old rocking chair behind a glass cabinet. She sat there stroking a black cat in her lap hair long gone gray was frizzy and unkempt resting on her shoulders. The woman looked as old as time itself, dressed in a tattered old woolen sweater and long dark skirt.

"Excuse me ma'am I was just browsing, looking for…" I stated gently.

"Change is what you need, healing in a heart long wounded, I know I see it in your aura, I have what ails you dear." She creaked cutting me off from her chair.

I froze in my tracks looking at her, staring at her craggy weathered face. How could she know I thought in my head? How does she know what I need?

"I know sweetie, I know, and how could this crazy old woman know what I need? You know it too don’t you Arias?" She said looking down at the cat stroking its black fur that seemed to glisten bluish black with a light that shouldn’t be glistening on it in this dark dank room. The cat gave a long low meow as if to answer. The old woman cackled softly nodding her head scratching the cat's ears. "Yes you do precious I know, has one like you at home and don’t even know it don’t he?"

"Ah, yes I do have a cat, but, how could you…" I stuttered cocking my head curious now.

The cat jumped from her lap running off behind the counter out of sight the old woman stood stepping closer to the dust covered glass counter. She reached inside it pulling out something cupping it in her wrinkled hand the parchment colored skin was covered with brown age spots, the fingernails gray and pointed.

I watched as he hand rose above the glass top setting something down on it with a tinkling sound. When she pulled her hand away a golden colored object was revealed the object about five inches across, glittered and sparkled for a moment as though electricity sparked across it. I stared at it for several seconds my mouth agape feeling the hair stand up on my neck.

It was some kind of pendant or jewelry I couldn’t tell which maybe it was neither and both. Its overall shape was round sort of, made of what looked like fine wires woven around and around in a pattern so intricate and finely detailed it couldn’t have been made by any machine I knew of. I knew machine work had seen many types in my profession manufacturing aircraft, and if this was hand made it must have taken hundreds of hours to create.

Looking closely at it on the glass counter top I tried to follow the patterns my mind assembling shapes in the details some kind of tiny symbols in a language I didn’t recognize. Some looked like animals goats, birds, frogs and lizards some seemed to change before my eyes or move I figured it must be my eyes playing tricks on me. I blinked my eyes trying to make sense of what I was seeing.

The object was made up of concentric circles from outside to the center that's what it looked like yet, it wasn't it was hard to describe and though seemed symmetrical in its overall appearance some parts of it were not. Following the circles towards the center with my eyes it looked to be inlayed with tiny crystals or gems which sparkled with a light of their own.

I stared at it unsure if I had taken a breath since she set it on the counter and forced myself to suck air into my lungs and exhale. I wanted to pick it up but wasn't sure if I should finally I brought my hand up which froze hovering near it as if waiting for permission. I tried several times to make my hand move to pick it up and feel its weight yet couldn’t do it.

"Go on young man, pick it up it won't bite ya, don’t be afraid. It is what you need." The old woman's voice croaked. I looked up in the direction of her voice seeing she was standing several feet away her back to me, the cat in her arms again.

I took another deep breath then slowly reached for it circling its edges with my fingers and thumb and gently picked it up. I lifted it with my fingers and thumb looking at it on edge seeing it was less than a quarter of an inch thick. I put my other hand out palm up and set it carefully in my palm. When it touched my skin I felt a slight buzz almost like a shock across my skin that seemed to inch slowly up my arm then picked up speed like a hundred ants crawling up my skin.

I wanted to drop it but was afraid to fearing I might break it or insult the woman or look even more foolish than she had made me feel since I had come in here. I froze letting the sensation pass until it seemed to subside. I thought I saw a white flash of light in my eyes and heard my lungs quickly suck in air through my clenched teeth. After the initial flash I saw images flash rapidly through my mind like a slide show that went by in a blur after it was done I knew I saw a face several times in various different looks. A face I hadn't seen in a very long time but, one I never, could never forget, his face, Charlie's.

"Yes Arias so true it is definitely what he needs I know, question is, is he brave enough to do what it needs him to do? Yes that's the question." The old woman creaked hoarsely answering the loud meow of the cat. "Only he can answer that one Arias, only he."

"It's beautiful ma'am, so, ah, different. I've never seen anything like it." I whispered staring at the gold object.

"Never will, each are different, each for who they are for, each for a need." She explained looking at the cat stroking its fur.

"But, what is it? Is it a Christmas ornament a piece of jewelry?" I inquired turning it over in my hand.

"It is what it is, what you need. Healing, forgiveness, retribution, redemption, all things you need and more. If you truly need it take it, at the right time you will know what to do, if you really want what your heart longs for." She said her dry voice almost a whisper. "If you are brave enough to face it, that is."

"How much is it?" I asked staring at it. "I probably can't afford…"

"You cannot afford not to. If you need it take it, some things young man; are not paid for with mortals monies or wealth." She said ominously. "Some things demand a higher form of payment."

I stared at her back her voice digging deeply into my ears; I swallowed hard my throat dry like the dust in this place. I looked around at the shop again my eyes quickly wandering taking in the various items on the many shelves and in cabinets haphazardly scattered around the shop.

"I grow weary young man, go now and be at peace if you have the stomach, you will know what to do, it is what you need." Her voice faded replaced by a breeze that passed through the shop casting dust into the air. I looked around one last time not finding her. I shrugged and put the object in my coat pocket and left the shop quickly back into the alley afraid I would be stuck there with her.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I found she was right, I did know when, and what to do, I don’t know how or why but I did, I could feel it coming closer as the days past and the anniversary of that fateful time approached again. Another year since it happened, since I let my fear of my own exposure cloud my judgment preventing me from doing what was right. Selfishly saving my own paltry reputation instead of doing what was right, what I knew in my heart needed to be done.

The old woman was right, it was what I needed, but not for me, for him; for Charlie. Now here I stood in my middle income modest house in my middle income modest neighborhood dressed in my favorite outfit that that hid a not so modest secret, a secret not of my dressing in my alter ego, my feminine persona. A secret that less caused dreams as much as it killed them, dreams I wished I could share with the one person who dreams no more.

So here I am almost thirty years to the day standing in my black heels my knees trembling slightly staring at my large elaborately decorated artificial Christmas tree covered with lights and ornaments each one symbolizing a stage in the life I had built over the years. A life that I felt rich and fortunate for having and yet still felt guilty and incomplete to me.

I took in a deep breath letting it out slowly through my lipstick coated lips the taste of the lip gloss heavily berry flavored. The sighing breath made me shudder slightly and I saw the lights of the tree blur slightly and knew I would not be able to hold back the tears. The Christmas tree a symbol of life and new birth for a savior who two thousand years ago was born to free man of his sins and guilt, I now looked at praying silently for a miracle.

It was what I needed, I was willing to pay any price, to set things right and in addition maybe just maybe cleanse my soul of the guilt of silence and fear that haunted me all these years. I knew it wasn't my fault, I physically didn’t do anything to cause it, but I felt in my soul that I had done nothing to prevent it either.

I looked down at my right hand clutching the old news paper clipping now yellowing with age the golden object sitting on top of it and opened my palm. I looked at the headline spread across the top; I knew by heart what it read tears filled my eyes.

"Local teen dies, authorities suspect bullying to blame." I read the headline softly sniffling. "Oh Charlie, I'm so sorry, I, I should have been there for you, I should have helped, I didn’t think you would give up, didn’t think it was that bad. I'm so sorry Charlene if I only..."
The tears flowed steadily as I spoke the words, rolling down my cheeks hot on my skin falling onto the paper and the golden object in the palm of my up turned hand. I looked up at the star atop the tree blinking my eyes. The lights from the star gleamed brilliantly wobbling and distorting from the tears.

"I would do anything to have it back, that night, that time, to change things, why didn’t you call me? Why?" My voice cracked my chest heaved I felt my palm holding the object growing warm a tingle filled my palm and raced up my arm stabbing into my brain.

I looked down at my palm the object was glowing, sparkling, flashing brightly colors swirled out from it swirling in the air just above it multiple colors like swirling Christmas lights I looked up at the star topper and it too was flashing and glowing, swirling lights radiating out from it. The lights and colors raced outwards towards the lights racing up from the object in my hand, I felt dizzy blinking my eyes I thought I heard a scream but I wasn't sure who was screaming it might have been I. Then a loud sound like thunder erupted in the air filling my ears with a deafening roar.

++++++++++++++++

My eyes were closed, I could feel my lungs filling with air, felt my heart beating in my chest all was silent around me now save for music of some kind from somewhere far away. Slowly my hearing cleared and I could hear the music more clearly now, it was Christmas carols playing nearby. I released the air from my lungs causing a high pitched sigh to escape my lips, I forced my eyes open my lashes fluttering quickly till my vision cleared slowly of multi colored spots, like I had seen too bright of a light flash to close.

As the spots faded I realized I was still standing before the Christmas tree, but, something wasn't right, the tree before me wasn't my tree. It looked familiar to me though and slowly the fog of memory cleared and I knew whose tree it was. The tree before me I had seen for many years in my youth, it was the tree my mother had for most of my youth.

I shook my head looking at the star twinkling down at me I looked down the tree seeing familiar long forgotten ornaments and the village my sister and I played with strewn across the puffy white cotton fake snow under it. The village my sister and I spent years playing with as kids, moving the figures around, playing with the animals in the manger laughing gleefully putting them on top of the buildings for mom to find.

My eyes left the village scanning the room I was in, it was my mother's living room, and the same padded chair in the corner I always thought was an ugly green, the sofa with the ugly floral pattern behind me against the wall. I shook my head trying to make sense of it.
"It can't be, I must be dreaming." I whispered looking around seeing the familiar panties and pictures on the walls, all as I remembered it from twenty years ago as though I had never left.

I looked down at my hand the newspaper still there and the object faintly glowing still there as well, I put them in the small pocket in the front of my skirt. My skirt? I looked down and saw I was still dressed as I was before. My hands looked different; I quickly turned feeling a little light headed shook my head again then quickly stepped across the room to the mirror I knew was on the entry way wall.

My heels clip clopped loudly on the wooden floor making a familiar sound that made me feel instantly at home and normal. I gazed at the reflection in the mirror expecting to see myself at fourty eight staring back at me, I gasped aloud at what I saw. Instead to my wonder the reflection in the mirror was my eighteen year old self. I brought my hand to my face my fingers trembled my stomach fluttering. I touched my face, my lips my hair, the wig still on my head, which I knew if I took it off my long dark hair would tumble out from underneath.

"What the heck?" Was the only thing I could say. I couldn’t ever swear in my mother's house, thoughts of having my mouth washed out with soap in my youth for such indiscretions and the taste of Irish Spring soap came to mind.

"Wait if I am here, then where is my mother? Wait what day is this?" I said aloud then turned and walked through the entrance to the kitchen. Looking around it still had those same ugly tiles on the walls, light gray plastic tiles with a line of thin pink tiles half way up along each wall.

Yuck, I thought, I always hated those times; I shook my head smiling to myself remembering our many discussions and jokes about those walls wondering who would have picked such ugly colors laughing. My mother swearing someday she would have them changed, she never did not while she lived here she sold the house two years after dad died.

I crossed to the fridge looking at it laughing when I saw and remembered the ugly dark brown color it was, I forgot about that I thought. I looked finding the calendar stuck with magnets to the front seeing the days crossed out, then the note written in my mother's hand "Visit Nana" it read on December twenty second.

"Yeah, that's right mom went to visit Nana that Christmas when she had been ill recently, she went to stay with her sister outside of Boston. It was the first Christmas she didn’t spend with us ever." I said aloud snapping my fingers remembering. "It's Friday night the night of the Christmas Boy's Club dance, the night before Charlie…"

I put my head in my hands my heart racing what should I do, what do I do? Have to do something, but the right thing. What can I do that will make this turn out different?

I pushed my hair away from my face looking around the kitchen, I found the clock on the wall, it was only seven PM still time, there has to be. I ran to my bedroom there were my keys sitting on my dresser I snatched them up quickly then went to the closet and pulled the dark blue denim waist coat from the hangers pulling it on as I raced from the room. I stopped quickly, wait need money dumb ass, I spun around and found my hidden stash of cash in my drawer inside the metal playing card tin I always kept it in.

I ran for the door throwing it open and left the house the crisp New England air hitting me like a slap in the face, I forgot how cold it could get I buttoned the sweater up a little then pulled the coat closed around me then stepped down off the steps. I almost fell and busted my ass, damn it's icy as hell out here I forgot that too, it snowed a few days before and the driveway was covered with lumpy chunky ice. Luckily for me my youthful body was pretty limber and a lot quicker than my middle aged body is. I thought.

Walking to the car I knew should be there and chuckled when I saw it sitting there in the driveway, I stopped in my tracks beside it affectionately, reverently placing my hand on the front fender. My car, my magnificent muscle car, oh I miss you old girl, I thought. That's right I'm eighteen in my last year in high school and my car then was a 1971 Plymouth Satellite Sebring Plus in a sort of gleaming mustard yellow gold color, the chrome trim low down the sides separating the yellow from the gray at the bottom. My eyes gazed over the car seeing that big wide rear end, air shocks holding it high in the air, the half landau vinyl top.

I patted the roof grinning broadly then unlocked the door with the key, no automatic door locks here, it took me five minutes to get the key in the hole and turn it to open the door. The one thing I always hated about the old Plymouths and Dodges in the cold they were a pain in the ass to get into, and sometimes start. Please start, I prayed aloud.

The door made that familiar old creak it made in the winter when I opened it and I sat down in the leather bucket seats and almost cried as my body hit the ice cold seats, I shivered swearing wishing for the heated seats of my present day car. I rubbed my hands together quickly and blew on the trying to warm them then stuck the key in the ignition pumped the gas pedal twice with my heeled foot like always and prayed turning the key.

The starter groaned for a moment then it fired and I pumped the gas pedal gently pushing it down slightly quick idling the engine, the big 383 magnum engine roared to life with a strong deep throaty sound. I smiled at the familiar sound of prime time Detroit muscle car, from better days long gone when power was everything and cars had romance and style.
"Yeah baby, that's a girl, come on warm up." I chanted coaxing my one time love to life. That old Queen song I'm in love with my car I knew Roger Taylor had written from me, it was one of my favorite songs and I blasted it from my quadraphonic eight track stereo constantly. I snapped my fingers seeing the old player mounted under the dash and punched the button pushing the tape in. It made a funny whirring sound then clicked then tried to play the tape dragging.

"Needs to warm up more, oh well not important." I said laughing. "Oh I wish we had CD's in this time period." I shut it off again rubbing my hands and shifting my bottom in the cold seat. Damn these seats are murder on a girl in satin panties and a skirt in the cold, yes heated seats are the best thing ever put in a car I mused.

Finally I saw the needle move off the ice cold peg on the gauge and new it was safe enough to drive, these old engines had to be warmed up before you drove them especially fast in the cold after sitting a while or the oil wouldn’t move and you would tear your engine apart. Too many idiots didn’t know that and blamed the cars instead of their own stupid ignorance of how cars work.

I pulled my shoulder belt off the side of the seat and locked it over my shoulder and hips pulling it tight, this car was one of the first with bucket seats and integrated shoulder and lap belts in it, a huge safety feature improvement. Also one that saved my life when I had a crash in this car, a drunken kid had hit me in the ass end the following spring only doing minor body damage that was fixed in a body shop. If I hadn't had that seatbelt on I knew it could have been a lot worse, I was a firm seatbelt advocate after that night.

Reaching for the floor shifter I pulled it into reverse and backed out hearing the wheels break from of the ice covered driveway. Moments later I was speeding down the suburban street heading to where I hoped I would find Charlie still getting ready for the dance. I flipped the heater on and thankfully warm air began blowing from the vents soon making the chilly cabin toasty warm.

The car handled as well as I remembered, she was a streamlined car with a large curvy body, a lot of people envied me having this car and I lucked into it buying it from a friend of my father's who had bought it for his wife. It turned out she was afraid of it and didn’t like to drive it so he sold it to me for fifteen hundred bucks in 1977 a steal. How I wish I didn’t sell it in 1980 it was a huge mistake I regret to this day, it was in cherry condition and I took good care of it. Now these cars are exceedingly rare almost as rare as a Super Bee and worth about sixty to seventy grand in decent condition, which is almost impossible to find these days.

Finally on the wider drier main roads I could pick up a little more speed and pushed the pedal down shifting into forth letting the car cruise heavily through the streets, better watch out though don’t want to get pulled over, though knowing most of the cops in our small city I could probably avoid a ticket no sense pushing the privilege. Plus they would tell my dad and he would give me an hour long lecture about speeding and accidents if I did.

I laughed at that shaking my head thinking I would actually love a lecture from my dad though since he died about ten years earlier and I do miss him a lot, so I would take it smiling happily. I crossed town pretty quickly anyway it wasn't like our city was very big I could drive from one end to the other in minutes, not like where I live now it takes me a half an hour to go three blocks sometimes. I hate traffic!

Surprisingly all these years I found Charlie's street pretty easily and slowed down cruising looking out the windows to find his house, I rubbed my hands on my stocking covered thigh nervously, wondering how I was going to explain my appearance and dress. Not only that I thought, Charlie or rather Charlene as he/she preferred to be called especially when dressed might think I look pretty hot and well, try to have sex with me or something.

I chuckled to myself at that thought, thinking well it is another one of those things I never got to do at this age that I have always regretted, big time. In girl mode as a teenager I was pretty good looking, no actually that is not right, I was damned hot seriously. I am not exaggerating, anyone who would have seen me dressed then would have fucked me straight or not, I had great legs a nice slender curvy figure was five foot ten with emerald green eyes and a pretty cute face and nice lips in makeup.

Plus I kept my body hairless even then and my ass was very sexy from all the running and exercise I did back then, bike riding and such. Not only that but, I had small puffy breasts and was born with only one small undersized testicle that because of a botched surgery to try to fix the issue they messed up the cord attaching my left testicle inside me making it too short, it was always popping up inside my tummy out of sight. On top of that my penis was pretty small slender and cute with a cute pink little head on it too.

All of these facts further contributed to a skill I had developed around twelve years old when trying on some of my silky nylon panties and trying to make my front look like a girl. I didn’t know what I was doing or that it was called "tucking" back then but I was a pioneer of self discovery in the seventies. Either way I found that with very little effort I could hide my little boy parts quite effectively to the point that only at very close examination in panties no one would be able to tell I was really a boy. I loved it too, the way it felt, looked especially when climaxing.

I could come rubbing my little dickette bent back in my silky panties like a girl rubbing her pussy with my long legs splayed out or on my knees ass in the air coming over and over till my pretty panties were a foamy gooey mess. Sometimes I would spend half the night doing it posing in the mirror and rubbing my clitty climaxing five to six times a night till I was exhausted. It was a problem sometimes on school nights, giggles.

I shook my head from my reverie feeling my clitty tingle in my panties then spied what I was searching for, Charlie's parent's house. I had only met his/her parents a few times I hoped they didn’t freak out if they were home. I swung the car around and parked out front and threw it in park, Charlie didn’t have a car I just hope I didn’t miss him.

I lit the dome light and checked myself in the mirror ran my fingers through my wig then smiled checking my teeth, not bad I thought, hell I look pretty good, damned if only I could spend more time this young. I shut off the car and swung open the large door, the Stardust, which was what I called my car, I know seventies name big time huh, shut up, but it is what I called her, she was only a two door and they were huge and heavy.

I slid around in the seat and got out keeping my legs together and fixed my skirt as I stood then shut the door. I kept the keys in my hand in case I needed to run for some reason and make a quick escape, like I said I didn’t know his folks that well and they really weren't the friendliest of people. I walked to the door and took a deep breath listening, I heard the television playing so I knocked.

The door slowly opened and an older woman I thought was Charlie's mom looked at me her face puzzled. She pulled a cigarette from her mouth then opened the storm door her face wrinkled at me.

"Ah, hi ma'am is, ah, Charlie still home?" I asked in my best practiced feminine voice.

"What? Who are you honey?" She asked her voice gravely and high pitched taking a drag of her smoke.

"I'm Nikki, a friend from school, I thought Charlie was still going to the dance and maybe he wanted a ride." I said trying to sound friendly.

"Oh really? You been here before I don’t recognize you, school huh, didn’t know Charlie had any friends there." She stated eyeing me with suspicion. "The little princess is upstairs you want her go get her." She walked away leaving the door open, I pulled it open and followed her in.

"I couldn’t remember what his father did for a living, like many he probably worked at the big factory in town or the paper mill, either way stepping in their home it wasn't hard to tell where most of their money went, when they had it.

My olfactory senses were immediately hit with a smell of aging house and lack of housekeeping and too many TV dinners and spilled beer. The furniture was old and ratty covered with papers and old magazines and other trash that should have been tossed out long ago, the house itself was in disrepair it was clear they didn’t care about appearances.

"Charlene! Charlene! You got a visitor your highness!" The woman called from the bottom of a set of narrow stairs, which I heard footsteps coming towards the top of I looked up and saw Charlene standing at the top dressed in tight jeans and a girls white sort of cotton baby doll looking top with a brush in her hand.

"Who is it ma?" She called out her voice higher pitched than I remembered looking down the stairs at me obviously puzzled.

"I don’t know a friend from school she says." Charlene's mom yelled back walking towards a chair in front of the small television. "Go on up honey I don’t care."

"Charlene, it's me Nikki from school." I called to her climbing the stairs slowly looking up.

"Well come up I'm trying to get ready to go out." She called walking away.

I walked up the stairs a quickening my pace walking on the balls of my heels and got to the top of the stairs following her to her room. Once in Charlene's room I could hear the radio playing top forty music and saw her room was thankfully neater than the rest of the house. There were posters on the wall and stuffed animals and dolls sat on the dresser and bed and some shelves, they room was a mismatch of gender sort of like its owner I guessed, I understood it completely.

"Charlene it's me Nikki K. from school, you don’t recognize me?" I asked looking her in the face; she scanned me up and down puzzled her brow wrinkled staring at my face. "Remember tenth grade history seventh period I sat in front? I told her trying to jog her memory." Why didn’t she recognize me? I thought, then it dawned on me, I reached up and pulled the wig from my head and then the wig cap and shook my head.

After a moment her eyes widened finally figuring it out.

"Holy shit, I didn’t recognize you at all, your ah, dressed a little different than I ever saw you. You look really pretty as a girl, prettier than me." She said looking at my face then at my clothes. "That's a really cute skirt, where did you get it?"

"Oh I don’t know some department store." I answered fingering the hem of the short black pleated skirt. "Can I use your mirror to fix my hair?"

"Ah, yeah sure, why don’t you use your own hair though it's long enough if you styled it different." She told me reaching out with her fingers touching my hair.

"I don’t know, just could never figure out how to do it, plus my folks don’t know about me, I used to dress all the time when I was a kid with my girl cousins who lived next door, but, I went in the closet after I got a little older." I confessed.

"In the closet oh that's funny." She said giggling turning back to the mirror brushing her blond hair. Her hair was really long past her shoulders and a light strawberry blond color; it was too frizzy and teased out though making her rather large nose stand out even more. Her eyes were pretty though and her complexion not in too bad a shape with a few minor blemishes.

I pulled my wig cap and wig back on rearranging it and pushing the bobby pins in place so it would stay. She put some heavy blue eye shadow on her lids and did her lashes with mascara, she was definitely still learning about makeup plus she probably couldn’t afford the better quality stuff that looked better.

She had a lot to learn, I just hoped she would get the chance now. Her jeans were girls jeans by Guess and fit pretty snug on her slender body she was my height and had small little bumps that shown through the thin cotton blouse along with her bra. I caught her looking at me out of the corner of her eye or in the mirror. I stood there watching her fixing my hair my hands held limp at the wrist but not in an exaggerated way.

"I'm really surprised you’re here Nikki, especially like this, I mean we sort of lost touch after our junior year you started hanging with the theater types I never would have imagined this though." She told using a curling iron on her bangs and the bottom of her hair. It was looking better.

"I know, like I said I've been hiding a long time, but, I just got the urge to go out, my mom's out of town so I figured what the hell I want to go to the dance as a girl and see what happens." I explained hoping it sounded plausible.

"Really, the dance holy shit, that would be cool, and you're sure you can handle it?" She asked.

"If you can I can honey." I said laughing, she joined me.

"So tell me why do you dress? I mean do you do it for the clothes or because you think you should have been a girl?" She asked me her expression serious.

"Ah, both I guess, sometimes. Truthfully since I was a little kid I used to look at girls my age and older and wish I was a girl and could wear their clothes instead of ugly boys clothes. I used to wish I didn’t have a penis and wanted to be a girl." I confessed continuing. "I used to have this like prayer or chant I would say in my head I wish I could be a girl and look like her and wear what she is wearing. I used to say it all the time, still do."

"But, you never told your parents? I told mine and they have hated me ever since Nikki." She said sadly her shoulders slumped and deflated.

"I don’t know Charlene you think they hate you really? Maybe they just don’t understand you, and you need to explain it better." I said.

"No, I've tried, they will never get it they think I'm a freak." She said finally. "They wish I was dead."

"Charlene, don’t say that, don’t ever say that honey!" I yelled at her sharply. "Maybe it's because they think it's their fault Charlene because their poor and can't do anything to help you."

"Huh? You think because they don’t have any money that they made me like this?" She asked thoughtfully.

"Maybe, think about it, they have no money, they can't change what you are or make you happy, they've given up on their lives their future and so seeing you not want to be the boy they gave birth to makes their own futile existence even more futile." I theorized carefully hoping not to offend her. "They think because you don’t want to be who they think you should be that it's your way of getting away from them, of denying them and their importance in your life. It really is a bummer for them because they know they are stuck and can't get out, but you can and that makes them resent you. They don’t hate you but, they hate the fact that you have a chance to get out if you work hard."

"I never thought of them like that. It kind of makes sense." She realized.
"It could be that they feel threatened by you Charlene, they could be afraid you will expose them for what they are, sad, broken people slowly dying inside in a trap they can't escape from." I explained putting my hands on her shoulders looking in her eyes continuing. "And they're afraid you can see what they really are. Their condemnation and apparent distaste for what you want to be and how you want them to see and treat you is their only defense against someone they see doing something that they feel they can't do, escape their own trap."

"Hmmmm, or they could just be assholes who don’t care about me and just want to tear me down anyway they can." Charlene stated firmly.

"True, they could be just assholes." I smiled faintly. "You know them better than I could. I'm just trying to help you see possibilities."

"The most important thing is you can't give up on yourself, despite them you have to be stronger and prove them wrong and be the person you feel best as." I encouraged her.

"What about you? Are you honestly being who you want to be Nikki?" She asked seriously.

"Me? I don’t know yet, I'm still like clay, trying to find how I want to mold myself, I honestly haven't decided, I used to think I knew." I stood up quickly spinning on my heels, my short pleated skirt flying out around my thighs stopping in a girlish pose hands on my hips one knee bent over my other leg. "I'll let you know later, right now I want to dance girlfriend."

++++++++++++++++++

Several minutes later we were driving towards downtown searching for a parking space as close to the club as we could find. We got lucky finding a spot on the main street half a block from the entrance to the Boy's Club where the big Friday night dances were held in our small town.

Getting out of the car I spotted the biggest thing that I feared coming face to face with since this strange trip began and I realized the implications of not just where but, when I was right now. I straightened out my skirt and looked down the row of buildings housing the familiar businesses I knew were here in this part of downtown.

Seeing it just as I remembered from years long past, the large glass windows brightly lit from inside with fluorescent lighting spilling onto the sidewalk, the large lighted sign with the name of the business above them. My father's submarine sandwich shop and restaurant lay before me shining like a familiar beacon calling me, mocking me. My hands were shaking and not from the cold, I rubbed them together then folded them interlocking my fingers silently praying.
"Hey Nikki, you coming or what I'm getting cold." Charlene said from the sidewalk hugging her shoulders rubbing them.

"Ah, yeah, coming just fixing my stocking." I said lying then clapped my hands quickly together and followed after her.

Walking slowly down the sidewalk on my high heels I felt unnaturally nervous, afraid I would see myself or something though I doubted that would happen. I knew what I was really apprehensive about, what I was really afraid of, seeing my long dead father.

Hold it together Nikki, I thought to myself as the moment of truth approached, I wouldn’t go inside, I couldn’t. My father and I were very close, we worked together in his shop since I was old enough to push a broom and mop a floor. We hung out; when I turned eighteen we even had a couple of beers together, though my father rarely drank.

No, he had other vices mostly harmless; one was playing the ponies and the dogs. The other was flirting with young pretty girls, he seemed to gain some sort of poser from it tapping from their youth like a vampire. Both were a constant source of good natured joking, teasing and ribbing especially as I got older and understood it more.

My father's trips to the race track and his obsession to find a winning system was humorous to members of the family and close friends who knew about it. Even my wife who I met a few years after this night joined in it's still a subject that makes us laugh to this day remembering my father took it all laughing along with us knowing the ribbing was out of sincere love, affection and respect.

What was really amazing about it also was that unlike most people with a gambling obsession he could and did control it, probably out of love and respect for my mom. Also because he was a man who had great self restraint and knowledge of his personal limitations and what was truly important, family, friends and being a good, kind, respectful person which he was. I always thought that if I had to be born a man, if I could be half the man my father was I would be doing pretty well.

I had almost reached the store front and despite the cold my palms felt like they were sweating, I rubbed them together and closed my eyes stopping in the front window then turned and opened my eyes. I had to peek in I couldn’t resist, if I didn’t take this final opportunity I knew I would regret it if I got home. Who knows maybe I would be stuck here and have to relive my entire life from this point on. Would I do things differently? I didn’t know couldn’t know even though I had thought about it. Who hasn’t at some point in their lives?

Looking through the slightly frosted over glass my eyes scanned the insides quickly, there I saw all the familiar things just as they should be even people I hadn't seen in years but still remembered like it was yesterday. The Friday dance nights were busy nights for us I usually worked them with my father and a guy named John who worked for my dad for several years.

I watched ignoring Charlene who was tapping her feet on the concrete sidewalk beside me shivering begging me to hurry up asking what I was doing, telling me if I wanted to go in to go in. Maybe she had forgotten it was my family's restaurant, or maybe she did and thought I was thinking of going inside and showing my dad my true self.

Then I saw him walking past a group of teenage girls standing near the counter telling them something which they giggled at and replied to, like I said my dad liked to tease pretty girls, of course they were too young for him and he had no interest in them other than to be friendly and gain business though some might not understand that.

Thinking back on it now in my future time he might have gotten in trouble due to people misunderstanding his comments and kidding, he would have hated the political correctness that stifles and poisons our society today. He would have been a dinosaur who wouldn’t have survived present day, he would have hated it. People can't take a joke anymore, skins are too thin, good humor and friendliness today our taken as sexual harassment, but thirty years ago they were good public relations and customer service.

But, my dad had class, he had style, he never swore, he didn’t say or make perverted comments especially in mixed company, I was always amazed and still laugh, at how when I got older, if he did swear he had a way of bleeping himself as he said a colorful word you knew what he meant even though he didn’t actually say it. It was like he had a censor with him that chopped the word like on a TV show as it came out. Class, mostly a lost virtue in my times it seems.

I watched him walking around behind the counter pouring some sodas from the fountain machine my eyes filled with tears I tried to blink them away but failed watching him seeing him laugh and smile broadly at something. (I have to pause and dry my eyes; this is really hard to write.) The tears flowed from my eyes knowing that ten years from this date my mom would talk him into selling the shop and retiring, and five years after that cancer would take him.

"Come on Nikki honey, I am freezing my ass off, can we go?" Charlene said pulling at my denim jacket.

I nodded wiping the tears from my cheeks and sniffling letting out a shuddering sigh. "Love you Dad." I whispered kissing my hand and putting it on the glass reluctantly leaving.
We turned up the alley way between our shop and the next row of businesses and walked up towards the entrance for the club dances behind our shop. I pulled a tissue from my pocket and gently dabbed my eyes blowing my nose as we walked passing a couple of girls walking the other way who looked at us mumbling something I couldn’t and didn’t care to hear.

"Why didn’t you go in?" Charlene asked.

"I told you, it's not time, might never be for me, and that's not why I'm here anyway." I told her firmly silencing any other talk about it with my ambiguous answer.

We paid our admission fee of four dollars and went inside, the warmth inside the building appreciated. I could hear the sounds of the band playing and slowly recognized the song and the voice of the person singing. I had been in a couple of bands over the last couple of years, singing mostly sometimes working the sound and light boards a particular talent I developed further over the years even owning my own equipment for a while.

Now I remembered why I wasn't in the restaurant that night, the reason dad was actually working that night, because I was supposed to be here checking out a friends band it was the night I had turned my back on Charlene, the night that caused this trip to the past and everything before it.

"Hey cutie, you wanna dance?" I heard a male voice say behind me as I walked down the staircase leading to the large ballroom in the lower level where the stage and dance floor was. "Nice legs baby look pretty good in that short skirt, need me to warm your legs up?"

I wanted to ignore him, I tried, I recognized the voice, could never forget it, I got to the bottom of the steps and turned on my heels, Charlene moving aside trying to be invisible. He was a local tuff, a ruffian, stoner, juvenile loser from an entire family of losers a long line who had their own cell block in the county jail reserved for them.

I stopped and looked at him seeing his face his name was Danny and I never liked him, though because of my family and our restaurant and our status in town we got along but it wasn't out of friendship. He thought himself an Italian stallion, God's gift to woman and now he wanted to give his gift to me. Yuck!

He looked at me a grin on his face, his dark brown eyes scanning up and down my body undressing me with his eyes, he looked half drunk and I wondered if after he found what was really in my panties would just turn me over and do me anyway. He was a pig and had no respect for girls or anyone else for that matter, unless you treated him the same way.

"I doubt you could keep up sweetheart." I said smartly my chin high my green eyes looking at him like the dirt he was, I only hoped he didn’t decide to hit me, I had heard he smacked his girl friend around all the time. They were constantly breaking up because of it and she always took him back, it was too bad she was a beautiful girl but no self esteem and little self respect.

He laughed that devilish laugh that said oh you think so girlie well I will show you what I can keep up with. He stepped closer to me his alcohol filled eyes trying to focus on me I could smell liquor on his breath. I saw him sway a little I stood my ground staring at him waiting for his snide sexist remark thinking what my next move should be.

"Danny! Are you coming or what? Who are you talking too? If you're thinking about taking off with another girl and leaving me here I'll tell your mother, you remember what she said?" It was the voice of Kim his girl friend I guess they are back together; I knew it wouldn’t last long like I said he was a loser he would be in jail before spring.

"I, I will see you later for that dance legs. Gotta go." He stumbled past down the last flight of stairs I could hear them arguing in the distance till the music swallowed the sound.

"Whew, that was close, you got some guts Nikki, I would have peed my pants. Weren't you scared?" Charlene asked.

"Are you kidding? I was petrified, but, it's the only way to deal with guys like him, come on. I like this song." I said quickly moving down the stairs.

Once in the main dance hall I looked around seeing familiar faces, I looked over at the large elevated stage looking at the band seeing people I hadn't seen or thought of in many years, a lifetime. They were playing an old Aerosmith song and doing a pretty decent job, the singer was not Stephen Tyler of course but he did a good job. We stood near the railing of the upper level looking down at the dance floor Charlene and I swaying to the music for a moment then headed for the stairs.

We got on the dance floor joining a large group of other teenagers and danced with no one in particular. It was funny how at this age mostly girls danced together and the boys just watched trying to get up the nerve to ask. Of course liquid courage always helped. They didn’t serve alcohol and would kick you out if they thought you were drunk or sneaking any in but, kids still did.

The band played a couple of songs and we danced laughing and having fun, a teenage guy even came over and asked me to dance which I looked at Charlene and shrugging my shoulders nodded at him and we did him none the wiser as to what I really was.
When the song was over the band took a break and the young man, feeling more confident after making a conquest, asked me if I wanted to get a soda with him. I followed him to the snack bar area after agreeing, Charlene not far behind who also got a drink and sat down at a table by herself watching us till we joined her.

We talked for a bit his name was Phil and I didn’t know or recognize him, there were three high schools in town I figured he went to one of the others. Charlene sat quietly like usual her shyness and lack of confidence on display I figured she would be much better off if she could lose it; I just hope I could succeed and she would get the chance to.

Phil seemed like a decent guy, he was polite and had a good sense of humor if not a little corny but he was honest and after a while even Charlene was talking to him. He seemed to start to take an interest more in her than in me, oh well maybe he preferred blonds I thought. I excused myself and went to go talk to the band and see if they recognized me.

I asked them if they were going to play any slow songs in the next set, and any Led Zeppelin, I knew they did as a matter of fact the lead singer in this band later joined a Led Zeppelin tribute band that was pretty good and popular in the local bars for a little while. The lead singer was obviously flirting with me; boy would I give him crap about that later if I got the chance.

I walked around the club watching the other teens eventually finding my way back to Charlene and Phil they were still sitting there talking and they were both laughing, they seemed to be hitting it off. It had me wondering, because to be honest if you really looked at and listened to Charlene, she wasn't that passable in her present state. It could be that I knew what to look for though, Phil didn’t.

The band started playing again and we went back down to the dance floor Phil danced with the three of us though he seemed to be paying more attention to Charlene. Oh well like I thought maybe he prefers blonds and the lighting was dim. The next song ended and a guy came over and asked me to dance so I accepted. Funny now that I think about it, talking to my own daughter, who has been to a couple of school dances, she said boys don’t ask girls to dance anymore, they just all dance and it doesn’t matter who dances with whom. But she's only 15 and that's fine with me.

The band started playing a slow song and the guy and I kept dancing it was strange feeling a guy holding me one arm around my slender waist my other hand in his it my teenage body it gave me a tingly feeling. The guy whose name turned out to be Justin was a decent looking guy, handsome in fact so it wasn't a bad thing. We made small talk about school and stuff while the song I Can't Fight This Feeling by Reo Speed Wagon played, appropriate I thought.

It turned out he went to the Catholic school so it was no wonder I didn’t know him, being Catholic myself I wondered how he would feel if he found out he had his arms around a pretty boy in a cute mini skirt. It made me chuckle to myself and he looked at me and smiled thinking I had laughed at something he said or did.

I think he took it as a sign or something because I felt his hand pull my tighter his chest sliding across mine, I felt his face and breath suddenly on my neck then on my cheek and before I knew it he was kissing me. I was shocked but strangely I didn’t resist his lips pressing against mine, I relaxed letting my lips part slightly which emboldened him as his tongue pushed past my lipstick covered lips.

As I was being kissed by him I felt a hand slide up my back behind my neck holding me in place his tongue probing my warm wet mouth slipping over my own. I closed my eyes feeling a tingle up my spine that also shot down to my tummy and through my clitty bent back tightly in my satin bikini panty crotch. I squeezed my thighs together and felt his other hand slide around my waist to the small of my back pulling me tighter against him, then slide lower till I felt his fingers trace along the waist band of my bikini panties across my ass then move slowly lower.

I could faintly still hear the song playing and new it would end soon and wondered what would happen next, would he keep kissing me or break it off abruptly? His hand wandered lower down my bottom sliding my skirt across my satin panties lightly caressing my firm round cheeks my clitty was pulsing hard in my panties I was getting turned on and so was he from the feel of his erection pressing against my thin silky skirt. It was pretty good sized judging from what I was feeling way bigger than the little thing bent back tightly in my crotch, an image of my lips wrapped around it flashed in my mind.

What harm would it do if I just blew this horny teenaged guy in my past, a guy I would never see again? Would it cause some butterfly effect? A transgendered butterfly effect. The thought made me snicker in his mouth and he pulled back looking at me puzzled. I guessed it ruined the mood besides the song ended and the lights got a little brighter on the dance floor, he reluctantly pulled away from me and as he started to speak I remembered Charlene.

I didn’t see her and I quickly told him he was a good kisser and thanked him for the dance excusing myself to find my friend, I rushed off on my heels leaving him alone watching me wiggle off mincing quickly. I looked around frantically, no I can't lose it now, not now, all because I had to get caught up in a kiss.

I stepped quickly up the stairs on the balls of my feet praying I wouldn’t fall down the steps looking for them I heard the band start to play Jungle Love by Steve Miller. Now I remembered it was during this song it happened at the snack bar.
I raced in that direction as fast as my heels would take me my heart pounding, padding quick little steps practically on my toes. I rounded the thick concrete column heading for the snack bar I saw Charlene's frizzy blond hair and several people in a group near her. I jogged around the corner and felt my heel slide on the tile floor losing my footing almost falling I caught myself on a nearby chair slowing as I joined the group panting.

Charlene was standing near a low wall where a counter was that housed condiments and napkins and such, a few boys and girls looked on and past them facing Charlene was three boys I knew who were big stupid jocks from school. They were yelling something, I pushed past a couple of kids and met Charlene's tear filled eyes. But, Charlene wasn't alone to my amazement standing besides her holding her hand was Phil.

"Hey man what the fuck is wrong with you, she's not a she, he's some kind of freak, a queer boy!" I heard one of the jocks yell.

"Yeah a fuckin fag man, what do you care, what you like fags? Queer lover…" I heard another cry out.

I rushed past to the other side of Charlene taking her hand, I looked at her my face angry and concerned I turned towards the three jocks and opened my mouth to speak but was cut off.

"No I like her, she is who she is, and if you don’t like it then I guess we got a problem don’t we?" Phil told them his voice furious yet steady ready to back up his threat.

"I don’t believe your sticking up for this freak man, look at the freak always prancing around school wanting to be a girl, acting like his shit don’t stink." One of them said mocking. "I want to barf, let's kick its ass."

One of them made a move closer, Phil met him in the middle and in a blur of movement I only half saw the guy found himself lying on his back his nose bleeding on his face. I cringed pulling back squeezing Charlene's hand. Phil stood before them his fists balled up ready for the next, they stood there mouths agape looking at Phil and their fallen antagonist.

"Why don’t you narrow minded losers leave her alone, you don’t get it, everyone isn't like everyone else, some people are different, some are born in the wrong bodies, do you think she would be this way if she could help it?" I screamed at them my voice high and strong. "Its people like you that make life miserable for the rest of us, you think you get to judge others think you can decide how people should live? Well you can't, there are laws against it, it's called the Constitution and it is what makes us American's and free and the greatest country on earth, because we know all people should get to live their lives without fear or hate or violence."

"We are tired of people like you, who just because you don’t understand something and cant love others for whom and what they are, that you want to ruin it for those of us who do. Let me tell you there will come a time soon that people like you will be thrown in jail for committing hate crimes against people like Charlene your days are numbered." I said walking towards them standing besides Phil whose muscled chest was heaving.

"Don’t you assholes get it? Your cowards, it was people like you that put the Jews in ovens and became Nazis because they thought they could decide who should live and who should die." I continued hoping I was reaching someone. "Are the rest of you going to stand by and let things like this happen all your lives? Then you're no better than they are. No better than the Nazis or terrorists that kill innocent people in shopping malls. It takes bravery and courage to live the life you feel you should be living, to stick up for what's right, for those weaker than you, only cowards stand around and watch."

"Yeah, like she said, make your decision are you cowards, or, or Americans, are you human beings?" Phil shouted joining me. "Or are you animals just waiting to get whatever scraps the other animals leave behind?"

I nodded at him looking at the others around pleading with my eyes for them to stand up for something, for others. Slowly to my surprise I saw a couple of girls turn around and walk over joining us staring back at the bullies. A couple of other teenage guys joined us as well balling their fists up. I felt my heart rise in my throat realizing what was happening, is this how it starts I wondered?

"Bullying the weak is wrong and its illegal it's called assault assholes and if it happens anymore to anyone you will go to jail." I stated sternly hoping they didn’t know that anti-bullying laws hadn't been written yet. Maybe they would happen sooner now. Maybe this would become the shot heard around the Nation. Who knows?

"Get out of here ass holes and if I ever hear about you bothering her again I will hunt you down." Phil promised. I watched my hands trembling as one of them helped up the guy with the broken nose and the three of them turned starting to walk away. As they did tow of the security guys finally showed up breaking up the group and questioning the three bullies.

As the people left they told Charlene they were sorry and that if she needed help they would one of the girls gave her phone number to Charlene then left with her friend. I watched wondering what would become of that, but I had bigger things to wonder about.
"Are you OK?" I asked Charlene but it was Phil after she nodded who put his arm around her comforting her while I looked on in amazement.

"Yeah, I guess, I was just scared that's all. I thought they were going to hurt you." She told him dabbing at the tears. There is something in a lot of men, a hero gene something that endears them to a woman in distress tears seem to make that feeling stronger I have noticed. Some men are just born protectors especially of woman, even if the woman isn't fully like other woman.

Soon after Phil was walking us to my car they talked all the way his arm around her shoulders while I walked alongside. Strange how this turned out, why didn’t it the first time I wondered to myself?

A car horn beeped and Phil looked around waving an arm at it. "That's my older brother. I have to go, ah, can I call you? I think we need to talk." He asked her.

They exchanged phone numbers and then Phil ran off to the waiting ride waving again before driving off as we got in my car and started it up. I drove Charlene back to her house parking out front the engine idling.

"That was some night eh?" I stated. "Pretty scary huh?"

"Yeah, you can say that again." She said I started to and then stopped getting a laugh out of her.

"I think Phil likes you." I observed.

"I don’t know, why should he?" She asked.

"Oh I don’t know, maybe he sees something in you that gives him hope." I said.

"Hope? Hope for what? With a freak like me?" She said sadly.

"Hope that maybe he found someone he likes that he would like to get to know better, someone special." I told her.

"Me special? No I'm just a boy who wishes he was a girl, I can't really be one, I'm crazy my parents even say so." She explained sniffling wiping her nose with a tissue.

"Nonsense, I thought we talked about that. Your parents don’t understand you, you're not crazy Charlene and you're not a freak, because if you are then so am I." I said with a mild laugh.

"No, you're really pretty and you said yourself you aren't sure what you want." She said.

"Yeah, but we still aren't that different. Look Charlene, since I was a kid I used to think and wish I could have been a girl, but, I was never brave enough to make the decision to tell my folks, I was too afraid and sometimes yes I do regret it, so now I spend a few days a year as a girl to make up for it. But, it isn't the same it only pushes it deeper inside of me and makes it worse. You have taken the first big step along time ago you can be the person you want to be." I said hoping to convince her.

"You're stronger than you know, if you take other peoples help if you open up and make friends and accept the love that's offered, it's out there for you all you have to do is want it. You have to believe in yourself stop trying to live how others want you to live." I explained hoping to give her strength.

"But it's so hard; it hurts so much, I'm afraid people will hate me." Charlene said tears wetting her cheeks. "I'm not like you Nikki."

"No you're you, don’t you see, we're all different, none of us are alike, if we were what a boring place this would be." I said firmly. "Your right it's not easy, life isn't, and that's what makes it worth living, if you give up then they win all the bullies all the people you think will hate you and your parents. They'll all say "see we were right she wasn't worth it, she gave up, she was a coward." Do you want them to be right? Do you want them to win?"

"Sometimes I wish I was dead." She said pity in her voice. I grabbed her by her hair and pulled it hard making her cry out in pain.

"Did you feel that? Good, because if you're dead you don’t get to feel that anymore, and you also don’t get to feel the pleasure of holding a lovers hand, of that first kiss, of making love to the person you love, you don’t get to feel anything damn it." I told her angrily hoping I was making my point. "See sweetie, along with all the pain is also all the pleasures of living life Charlene, if you give up and do something stupid then think of all the things you won't experience.

"All the joys, all the friends, all the lovers and good food, laughing and feeling warm rain on your face, sun shining on your skin. Phil holding your hand his arm around you do you think he will feel sorry for you if you do something stupid?" I told her sternly. "No he will say what an idiot, I might have loved her, I could have helped but she gave up and she's gone."

She was staring at me open mouth her eyes red and puffy, for the first time I saw she really could be getting it.

"Do you think he will forgive you for that? No, he will be sad, he will wonder what could have been but then he will go on with his life and find someone to replace you. Is that what you want to be replaced?" I continued my tone sharp but nurturing. "But, even if it doesn’t work out with Phil, you learn from it and you move on, you grow Charlene that's what human beings do, that's what God wants us to do."

"Not give up feeling sorry for ourselves. Oh, I want a pussy why don’t I have one? Well you want a pussy sweetie then go and get one, you can you know, there are operations save up your money and become the woman you believe you are. A strong, courageous, beautiful, loving woman the woman you want to be." I said firmly poking my finger into her face.

"One last thing and then I'm done, if you do anything stupid, I am going to come back here again and kick your fucking ass." I said sharply. "And that's a promise.

"OK, I, understand, I can, I will try, I can be the woman I want to be, the one I know I am, I'll try, I really will. Besides I don’t want you to kick my ass." She said smiling faintly. I smiled back, and then we sat silently for awhile. "Nikki, thanks for that, thanks for tonight. I mean that. We can be friends right?"

"Yeah, I hope so, time will tell. Call me, and give Phil a chance at least talk to him see how he feels it might be worth more than you think." I told her. "Look I have to go, I'm exhausted. Remember what I said though." I warned her balling my fist shaking it. We laughed then hugged and I thought she looked a little happier, a little lighter as she walked to the house.

I drove the muscle car for the last time back to my parents' old house, the house my mom sold shortly after my dad died, I hated the fact that she did but kept it to myself. I pulled in the drive way and locked her up patting her one last time, then I had an idea. Dad still wasn't home so I went in the house, to my old room.

I found a piece of paper and left myself a note, I wasn't sure it would work, it might vanish after I leave or maybe I won't leave, or maybe this is just one strange cruel dream and I am really in a coma dying in a hospital.

I wrote the note out smiling then the last line laughing aloud as I did, I hoped it would work. Then I went to the living room and turned on the Christmas tree and took the golden object out of the little pocket in the front of my skirt. It felt warm to the touch warmer than before. I watched the lights swirl and looked up at the star on top of my mom's tree.
I woke up in my office lying on the bed hearing the kids noisily opening the front door coming home from school, I sat up dizzy still my head swimming for several moments holding my head in my hands. Wow what a dream I thought.

I looked at myself realizing I was still dressed in the skirt and blouse before I fell asleep on the spare bed; I quickly got undressed and removed the makeup just in time to hear my daughter knock on the door.

"Daddy, are you sleeping in there?" Her sing song voice sounded like loving music from the other side.

"Yeah sweetie, I'll be right out Charlene." I called to her.

+++++++++++++++

Later my wife came home bringing in the mail tossing them on the table next to me, I looked down at it seeing the usual junk and one brightly colored pink envelope I smiled knowing what it was and picked it up tearing it open. My wife sat beside me on the sofa as I did watching cuddling up next to me.

I pulled a Christmas card out looking at the front the opening it a picture of a happy smiling family of four, slid out into my lap my wife picked it up looking at it as I read the card aloud.

It Read: Nikki my dearest friend I hope you and Cindy are doing great as always, I'm sure the kids have grown like weeds. I bet they can't wait for Christmas. Things are great here too the kids love the snow, Nikki has been singing in the choir at school and really loves it, Phil junior starts high school next year and he is doing so well in school now after a rocky start. You were right we had to tell them they were adopted and they understand and everything's better now. Nikki the little sweetheart said she's just happy she has a mom and dad who love her. Well, gotta run call you later this week. Have a wonderful Christmas, kiss the kids. Cindy, we're lucky to have such great families. The best things really are worth fighting for. Love always Charlene, Phil and the kids.

After dinner I went out in the garage and pulled the cover off the old Plymouth looking at her classic lines gleaming in the lights. I sat down in the bucket seat and pulled the visor down seeing the yellowed note in the plastic sleeve taped there.

It read: Dude, do what your heart tells you is right. Love your parents they don’t live forever. Trust yourself don’t be afraid to take a chance, life is worth the fight. Be friends with Charlene help her you'll understand when she calls, just listen. Be you know who, when you can if it still makes you happy but too much regret will drive you mad it's not worth it. Your life is really pretty damn good. Oh and no matter what happens NEVER SELL THE STARDUST IDIOT! Merry Christmas! Nikki

Author's Note: Dear readers, this was a hard story to write, I had wanted to tell this for a long time. I could never find the right way to do it to release this burden I have held inside so long, and pay homage to a friend and sister from decades ago who struggled with his/her identity and family sadly she gave up.

For years I struggled with what I could have, should have done to help her and didn’t, fearing my own demons exposed. For a long time I had buried it all so deeply that I had almost forgotten it happened, recently it all came back. Oh friends it is hard to type through tear filled eyes and running nose. But shedding tears are good, their cleansing and part of what makes us human and special.

How I wish this Christmas Miracle story could come true giving all the happy ending the romantic in me desires, but such things don’t happen, do they?

Then again if one person who is like Charlene sees that suicide isn't the answer it's just the end, giving up is easy, life is hard and it's worth it. Sorry to sound preachy and state the obvious to some, but there are those who still need to be reminded. It's for them I write this if it saves one then I guess there are Christmas miracles. So this is for them, and for Charlene. Rest in Peace. Nikki.

Image copied/edited from Gelboro image site Hakka0320 thank you!