Life Isn't Fair

by Karen Page

Life as a teenager is hard enough, but sometimes first love can just make thinks so much harder.

Chapter 1

For the last month, life had been good. Actually life had been very good, but since yesterday things had been really bad. I lay on my bed trying to see it my parent's way.

My parents both work for the emergency service. My Dad is a fireman and my mother a copper. When I was younger they would alternate shifts, so one was always around. When I reached thirteen they thought I was old enough to sometimes fend for myself in the evenings or weekends. They knew the rules, and one of them was always there with me at night, and if they were going to be late home or work the weekends, then they'd arranged for me to stay down the road at a family friend.

Some people might think it was a bit harsh on a thirteen year-old, and perhaps it was, but it made me learn more about myself. For me life took a sharp change when I was nearly sixteen. One of the first things I discovered was a love for a different kind of sport than what I was normally encouraged to participate in. My parents had encouraged football and swimming, at which I was pretty good. For some reason, I found that I loved hockey, though I only got to watch.

One Saturday, bored, I was walking through the sports park on a shortcut across the town and I noticed a game on. Having nothing better to do, I paused to watch. It looked like they were about my age, if not a touch older. This wasn't like the sedate game we played in school; it was full of action and looked fun, if not a bit dangerous.

As the game finished I went up to one of the adults that was taking charge and asked how you go about joining.

"Sorry, kid, they don't do mixed teams. The girls are on next, so their coach will be a bit busy. See the women in the red and white jersey, when the game is finished speak with her."

"Thanks," I muttered and walked away.

I was used to this. I was skinny and hadn't started to develop like most of the boys my age. Even with my shortish hair, I was often mistaken for a girl. Today was no different. I knew it was pointless saying anything, so I just waited for the next match to see what it was like.

When the girls came on, I quickly discovered that they were even more brutal. Whoever said that females were loving kind people had never seen them play hockey. The referee was also busier, as he had to handle more fouls.

After the game finished I didn't talk to girls coach; I was a boy, so it didn't make sense to ask to play on a girls' team, even though they probably thought I was a girl. By the time I got home so was Mum. Dad was on an 8am start and mum got back at noon. This was one of the days that it was nice to see Mum, but I knew it wouldn't last. She would stay up a few hours and then would go to bed.

I returned most Saturdays to see if there were was another match. Some weeks I was lucky and others not. I mustn't have been thinking straight, because it took until the third time I watched that I realised that one team side was always roughly the same players. When I didn't see them play must be when they were playing away. Over the weeks, I got used to seeing the same people hanging around; most were parents, but there were a few others my age, or slightly older, there.

"Hey, why don't you come to the away matches too?" asked one of the girls my age.

"No lift." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Ah. That's my sister there just taking the long corner. So, I get to go to a lot of the matches, apart from when Dad's working or away, and then she goes in the minibus for away matches."

"Couldn't your mum take you all?"

"Nah, I've got a young brother who does music on a Saturday morning. Mum takes him to that."

We chatted away for most of the second thirty-five minutes, but I never found her name, and she never asked mine. It wasn't until the next home match that I met her again. It was also the time when my life changed.

The visiting team was running late, and we stood around chatting about how cold it was getting. Winter was drawing in fast, but we'd been lucky that the rain had held off for the matches.

"If they don't turn up soon, do you want to hang out?"

"Sure," I agreed. She was one nice girl to be with and seemed a lot friendlier than the ones at my school. "What did you have in mind?"

"There's that new out-of-town shopping place near the canal. I hear they have some nice clothes shops."

That was when I knew that she'd thought that I was a girl. My heart sank as I wondered how she would react to finding out the truth. Hanging out with her did excite me, but I felt that if I didn't explain, then it would be like I was lying.

"Sounds fun," I responded, having decided how to tell her the truth. "By the way, my name is Richard."

"Ashleigh." I don't think my name had totally sunk in. It took a few seconds and she looked at me quizzically. "Sorry?"

"You didn't mishear."

"I thought-" Ashleigh trailed off, embarrassed at her presumption.

"That I was a girl? Don't sweat it; it happens all the time."

"You don't care? I mean, do you want to be a girl?"

"I mean I don't care that you made the mistake. I've been cursed with it for years, so it no longer bothers me. Most of my other friends go the same school, so they don't make the mistake, as they are used to me. It's only strangers that seem to think I'm a girl."

There was an announcement that the match was cancelled due to the other team's mini-bus getting a puncture. I wondered what I was going to do with myself for the few hours I now had before lunch.

Ashleigh grinned slightly as she turned to me. "Do you still want to go look at the new shopping place?"

I was surprised, not just at her asking again now she knew the truth, but me agreeing. Nobody would be home at the moment, so I didn't have to ring anybody. Ashleigh went to tell her mum where she was going, and soon after we were jumping on the local bus.

Shopping with her wasn't like anything I'd ever experienced before. I don't know what happened, but on the bus we got chatting and we didn't stop. I was so busy chatting, that I didn't realise where I was until I discovered I was in a changing room with Ashleigh, a couple of skirts and tops in my hand.

She was half undressed when she realised I'd gone quiet and saw my panicked face. I tried to turn around so I couldn't see her body, but the room was full of mirrors.

"What's up?" she asked.

"I can't do this."

"Oh, sorry I forgot."

"I better leave."

"You don't have to. It would be nice for you to tell me what you think."

I couldn't believe my ears. She wanted me to stay, even though I'd reminded her that I was a boy. None of this made any sense to me. She dressed in the first outfit and I shook my head.

"Nah, the tops all wrong. I know, try this one that I picked up."

"Yeah, it seems to work better," she admitted, admiring herself in the mirror.

In that store, Ashleigh never once forced me to try anything, and the awkwardness I felt in being in the same changing room soon dissipated. I was quite surprised when she didn't purchase anything, but we were soon in the next shop, discussing what we thought of each item as we rummaged through the racks.

I must have got bitten by the shopping bug and when I didn't think about things, was really enjoying myself. I'd often wondered why I was mistaken for being a girl. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to try dressing as a girl; however, I'd never had the guts to try. I knew it would never go down well at home if I was caught. Here and now though, Ashleigh was treating me like a girl, and if I just went that one step further, I would know what it was like. Heck, this might be my only chance to try.

"What do you think?" I asked, holding up a top against me.

Ashleigh looked up from her flicking through a rack of hideous items. "Yeah, that might work. Let's see if we can find something to go with it."

I must be mad. I have a good life. I have two parents that love me. I have friends who like me. I'm not unpopular at school. I make the grades, and play on our year's football team. Yet this is just so much fun!

"What about this?" Ashleigh called, bringing me back to the madness of shopping.

"Yeah, not bad." I wandered across and put my top next to it. "Let's see what they look like on me."

Ashleigh had some things to try on too and we both went into the same changing booth. I was surprised as this one had slightly larger booths than the last shop and it was massive compared to the ones where I normally shop. We were both distracted this time, since we were both changing clothes.

"What do you think?" I queried, once changed. I'd been avoiding looking in the mirror.

"Oh yeah, it's really you." She did something to my hair. "Have a look yourself."

There looking back at me was a flat-chested girl. I moved slightly anti-clockwise, and watched as the mirror image moved too. It really was me, probably in more ways than one. I didn't even get to see Ashleigh in her outfit before we were changing back, handing them back to the sales assistant guarding the changing area and leaving the store.

We grabbed a couple of bottles from the cola machine and sat on a bench. I wanted to recover a bit from that experience. My heartbeat was still higher than normal.

Ashleigh didn't say anything for a few minutes. She sat there sucking on her drink, watching me. When she thought I'd recovered enough she started her interrogation. "Recovered?"

"A bit." I then whispered, "I looked like a girl."

"Sorry, but you looked like a girl before we came shopping."

"What did you do to my hair?"

"I made it neat. When you took off your sweater, it made your hair ragged. I didn't alter your style at all."

"Oh."

"Did you have fun?"

"Eventually. I was a nervous wreck though."

"Not when you weren't thinking about it you weren't."

"So what now?"

"That's up to you. Don't you have to ring your Mum to let her know you won't be home for lunch?"

"Good point."

I pulled out my mobile and made the call. Mum was happy that I was out and reminded me to be home for six. A big smile came over my face and I told Ashleigh.

"Great. Food or another shop?"

I laughed. Did that girl have a shopping gene, or what?!

"One more, then lunch."

Actually that shop didn't have anything we fancied in it. In fact the new shopping area was a big disappointment, with half the units not having being let. The only redeeming quality was the Chinese buffet restaurant.

"So, do you fancy boys or girls?"

I looked around to see if anybody had heard Ashleigh. If any of them had, nobody responded.

"I'm only fifteen," I complained and blushed slightly. "I've never been out with anyone. What about you?"

"I've not either."

It did surprise me that someone as sexy as her had never been out of someone. However, it wasn't the question I wanted her to answer. I meant did she fancy boys or girls, but the moment had passed, but she did give me a nice opening. "Do you fancy a movie after we've finished here?"

"Are you asking me out?" she enquired.

"I ... I ..." I could get it out. All my confidence with her seemed to vanish. I stared at my food and picked a bit at it.

Ashleigh took my hand. "I'd love to be your girlfriend."

I looked up at her in surprise. "I hardly know you. We've watched a few hockey matches and done a bit of shopping."

"That's more than my parents had when they met. My Dad saw my mum in a pub. She was with some friends from work, and he was with some from his. He liked how she looked and after that evening eyeing each other up they went to a late movie."

When we finished eating, Ashleigh insisted we split the bill in half. I thought about protesting, but was rather glad, as I didn't have much with me. I'd only expected to go to the park and watch the hockey, not go shopping, have a meal and watch a movie.

The cinema was similar, we agreed to pay for our own movie tickets, but I did get her a drink and we shared a bag of rather expensive sweets. I'm not sure how they can charge so much; perhaps because we had nowhere else to go.

Being a first date, I was unsure how to behave. Being a first, first date, made it even scarier. I found for some things, Ashleigh was quite confident, but she was unsure how to act on a date too. She lived on the other side of town, but I wanted to be polite, so got off at her stop and walked with her to her house.

I'd expected it to be a lot bigger than ours, since there was just me and my parents. However, on the outside it wasn't that much different. Not seeing anybody peeking out of the curtains I leant forward to give her a kiss. When Ashleigh laughed, I stopped and turned, feeling rejected.

Ashleigh grabbed me and spun me round, and tenderly stroked the side of my face. "Sorry, that came out wrong. You just looked shy and nervous. Please kiss me."

Who was I to refuse a request like that? We came together and kissed. It was so more tender than I expected; a caress of two lips, rather than anything more forceful. When we split, I saw the gleam of joy in her eye. My heart was pounding like a piston.

"Wow," was all she said.

I wanted to kiss her again, but didn't want to push my luck. She looked happy, and I didn't want to spoil it.

"Are you doing anything tomorrow?" she asked, as she reached for the door.

"If I get my homework done tonight, then no. What do you have in mind?"

"Ha, I got mine done Friday night. I was thinking about the outfit you liked."

My heartbeat, which had just started to return to normal, picked up again.

With my mind whirring and it took me a few seconds to come out with, "Do you have a pen and paper?"

That got a strange look in response, but she fished in her bag, and pulled out what I'd requested. I jotted down my instant messenger address and handed it back. "I'll be online later. I think we need to chat." Ashleigh looked a bit worried. "Don't worry, I'm not upset and I'm not planning to dump you."

Ashleigh smiled at that, leaned forward, gave me a kick kiss and disappeared in her house. I made my way home, slightly confused at what had happened today, but still feeling warm about Ashleigh.

I was surprised to see Mum still up. It was nearly six, and she normally went to bed about four, ready to get up in the middle of the night.

"Did you have fun?" she asked, as I hung up my coat.

"We went into town and took in a movie," I answered.

"We?"

I sighed. Sometimes mum being a policewoman was a pain. "Ashleigh. She is a girl I met a bit back."

Mum's eyebrows rose. "You have a girlfriend?"

I blushed. "Yes Mum, now stop interrogating me. I didn't break too many laws today."

She laughed. It was a standing joke in the family that whenever she got too much like work we told her we didn't break too many laws. I just hoped that going to female changing rooms didn't break the law.

"Is there anything you need before I go to bed?"

"No, now shoo. You should have gone earlier. I'm not that small anymore and Dad will be home soon."

"You'll have to tell me all about Ashleigh later. I can't remember meeting her." Mum got up and headed towards the door.

"Sleep well Mum," I said, getting up too. "I've got some homework to do if I'm going to be able to go out tomorrow."

Mum pretended to faint. "Not leaving your homework until the last minute? Wow, she must be having a good effect on you!"

I just laughed, followed her up the stairs and went to my bedroom to do my homework. I had to write a short story in the style of the book, 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty' by James Thurber. I much preferred writing on the computer than on paper; as I could correct my mistakes as I went along.

I hadn't got much further than starting the word processor when my Instant Messenger informed me that Ashleigh was trying to add me as a contact. I accepted and we were soon chatting online, my homework being easily neglected.

"Did I upset you?" she started.

"No. You just took me by surprise. On my walk home, I had a long think about what happened today, but I still don't get it."

"Get what?"

"Why people who don't know me think I'm a girl, and why it didn't feel wrong for me to try those clothes on."

"I've no idea, but why worry about it?"

"It isn't natural. I don't know anybody other men who get mistaken for being women. I don't know how you can want to go out with me."

"I've never fancied anybody before you."

"Nobody?"

"Not a boy or a girl. However, when I met you at the hockey match, I couldn't keep my eyes off you."

This didn't make any sense to me, but Ashleigh seemed to know how she felt and my homework wasn't getting done. Perhaps Walter Mitty had the right idea living part of his life in a fantasy world. I couldn't imagine anybody's life being stranger than mine. That was an idea. Perhaps in my homework I could fantasise about being a schoolboy spy; that is about as farfetched as it comes. Now where would we spy? It would have to be Russia. Perhaps not anymore. I know, the Middle East. That's it - getting sent to Iran.

My instant messenger buzzed. "Hey, are you still there?"

"Sorry, was trying to make sense of what you'd said and also plan my homework."

"What you got?"

"English Lit. Got to write a story in the style of a short story we were given."

"Which was?"

"Walter Mitty."

"I think it must be a standard school thing, we got to do that a few weeks ago. So what fantasies do you plan?"

"School boy being a spy in Iran."

"Sounds good. Why don't you make it a school of teenage spies? Even harder to believe."

"Nah, that sounds too fantastical. Anyway, back to tomorrow. What time?"

"My parents do an early Sunday lunch which they really like us all to be there for. Why don't we meet about two?"

"Two sounds good as I have a football match at nine. I'll tell my Dad in the morning."

"Is that at your school?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think I could come?"

"If you want. Though having your mum drop you off might not be a good idea. If she saw me playing football with the boys she might get a bit confused."

"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting. Was your mum in bed when you got home?"

"No, she stayed up to find out what I'd been up to. My brief call at lunch had her wondering. When she went up to bed she mentioned she'd not met you."

"You told her that we were seeing each other?"

"Sorry, it just came out."

"IM is crap, as you couldn't hear how I meant it. I was just confirming. It's good that she knows."

"Do your parents know?"

"My mum thinks you're a girl and we just went shopping. I've not told her your name or anything else."

"What about when she finds out? Won't you get into trouble?"

"I hope not. Anyway, how will she find out?"

"What if my voice does eventually break? Or I eventually start to need to shave?"

"Oh, I'd not thought of that."

"All the other lads on the football team shave and their voices have broken. So, I'm sure mine can't be far behind. Will you still want to go out with me then?"

"Like I said before, I've never fancied anybody before you. It wasn't just your looks, but the things you said and the way you were. Even when puberty fully hits you, you will still be you. Mum's calling me for our dinner. Will you still be on later?"

"I'll be here, probably trying to get this story written, unless I'm eating with Dad."

"Okay, I love you."

"Love you too." I responded. I then sat there surprised at how easily it seemed to say that in response.

Once I settled down, and put out today's excitement, the words flowed. I'd always enjoyed English, but always seemed to have a block when I'd tried to put the words down. For once, the ideas I'd thought came out rather easily. I just hope it mirrored the Walter Mitty character enough.

I was so engrossed in typing that I didn't hear my Dad come home, or pop his head around the door. I jumped when he said, "Hey Rich, we'll be eating in ten minutes."

"Sure Dad," I said, slightly absently as I tried to finish the paragraph. When I was done I swivelled round to face the door. "I've nearly finished my English Lit homework."

He looked at me in surprise. "It is Saturday. Don't you normally do your homework on Sunday after your footy match?"

"I'm going out after lunch."

"You are? I don't remember hearing about this."

"I mentioned it to mum earlier."

"There wasn't a note." Because Mum went to bed before Dad got home, and he would be asleep when she got up, they would normally leave each other messages in a book with anything they needed to tell each other. The system was normally only on the days when they didn't see each other, but it got to be a habit. It was often now use it to remind themselves of things they need to inform the other about. The book even had an area when I could tell them stuff that I might forget.

"Mum was late going to bed, and she only found out about Ashleigh as she was about to go up."

"Ashleigh?"

"The person I was with today and who I'm going to town with tomorrow."

"Is she your girlfriend?" teased Dad.

"Yeah," I blushed.

"Well done son. Is she a bit of a looker with a nice body?"

"I think she looks great," I said, blushing again as I remembered the shock of seeing her in her underwear earlier.

Dad walked out of the door calling, "The meal will be on the table in a few minutes."

Sometimes Dad didn't think. Mum was asleep, and she wouldn't be happy if she was woken.

During the meal, I didn't get as much teasing as I'd expected, which was a relief. He didn't seem to understand about instant messaging and insisted that I do the washing up. "Chores still need to be done. She'll still be there when you've finished."

I was worried for nothing, as Ashleigh was waiting patiently. I'm not sure how I got my homework finished, but I was very late switching off. It was only my Dad noticing my bedroom light was still on when he went to bed that got me to turn off. Ashleigh had disappeared an hour earlier, but I spent my time trying to find out why I hadn't freaked when trying on the clothes.

Sleep didn't come easy. Thoughts of Ashleigh swirled through my mind and what she would make of me playing football.

Chapter 2

Today was a change-over day. My dad worked two day shifts, then two night shifts and then had four days off. So he only had a short sleep last night, and would go back to bed just before lunch and be at work for six tonight. Therefore it was a good thing I was out this afternoon, as it wouldn't disturb his sleep.

It was only while I was walking to school for the football match that I realised during the previous nights marathon chat, I hadn't asked why she mentioned me getting the girls clothes. At the football match wasn't a good time, so I saved it for later.

When I came out of the changing room with our team, I noticed Ashleigh, wrapped up nice and warm. Having someone there to cheer me on was a rare event and when I heard her scream "Richard!" my heart leapt. It spurred me on, and we managed a comfortable 3-1 win.

I went across to thank her, and my heart pounded as our lips touched. The wolf whistles from our school team made me blush, but it didn't stop us from kissing. "Thanks for coming."

"It was fun and yes, it was a good job my parents didn't come with me."

"How did you get here?"

"I cycled. I think my parents were a bit surprised to see me get out my bike. I've not ridden for a bit and my Dad had to quickly raise the seat."

"I walked. If I get changed quickly, will you still be here?"

"Of course. It is downhill most of the way home, so shouldn't take as long as it took me to get here."

We had another quick kiss and I ran to the changing rooms. Most had finished in the showers so I was able to get straight in.

"So, who is she?" asked Robert, as I dressed.

"A friend."

"Friends don't kiss like that," he retorted.

"Hey Rich, isn't Robert your friend?" teased Paul, one of the only ones on the team I didn't really get on with.

"Shut it," growled Robert.

Paul thought it was fun and continued. "You know, I always thought you were gay. Perhaps she is just a girlfriend of convenience."

I saw red and jumped up to make Paul suffer. I got within a metre before Robert and Lee grabbed me.

Lee was the football captain and if we wanted to stay on the team we did as he said. "We are supposed to be a team, so I'll have no violence. Paul, I really hope you were just teasing."

"Of course," Paul instantly responded. Hey turned to me, "Hey man, I'm sorry."

He didn't really look all that sorry, but I wriggled loose from my captors and finished getting ready.

"You're in a hurry," Robert remarked, as I picked up my bag. "Last one into the showers and first one out of here."

"I'm meeting Ashleigh." I lowered my voice. "Truth now, how many think I'm gay?"

Robert screwed up his face, which told me everything I really didn't want to know. "That many?"

Robert sighed, "There has been talk, but people don't say because they are frightened of you. You are a star on the pitch and that puts you in people's good books. Now get to Ashleigh before she does a runner."

Ashleigh was there waiting with her bike, her smile lighted up my tortured mind. It wasn't enough though as Ashleigh asked, "What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Something in your look when you came out of the changing rooms."

"Oh, someone said I was gay and you were a girlfriend of convenience."

"You didn't get into a fight, did you?" We started walking out of the school grounds.

"Nearly."

"Oh darling. It isn't worth fighting about. I hope you know I really fancy you."

"Yes, and you know I fancy you too. I'm not sure why I went at Paul. It just seemed to upset me when people thought I was gay."

Ashleigh leaned across and whispered, "Who knows, you might be a lesbian."

"Don't rush me. I'm just coming to terms with yesterday and us seeing each other."

"Okay. Just know that I'm pretty open. So what are you doing for lunch?"

"Mum'll be at work and Dad in bed. I was going to go home, get changed and get something in town before you got there."

"I thought so. You are invited for lunch if you want."

"Wouldn't you need to ask your mum?"

"Before coming out, I asked if it would be okay to ask you and she said there would be plenty."

"But your mum thinks I'm a girl."

"Just be yourself and they won't know."

"If you call me Richard, it will be a bit of a giveaway."

"You look like a Rebecca or Becky for short."

I couldn't believe this. I'd must mentioned about not rushing me, and within a minute she'd given me a girl's name. But Sunday lunch with her family did sound nice. With my parents working shifts, if was a rare event that we all sat down to a meal together and a Sunday roast was a lot of work for just two people.

"Just don't call me Becky in front of my parents!"

"Well duh!"

Dad was still up when I got home. He took one look at Ashleigh and ushered her into the lounge. "I take it you were going to get changed?" he asked, pointing to the stairs. I growled and he just laughed as he made his way into the lounge.

When I came down, Ashleigh and Dad were all smiles.

"It was nice meeting you Mr Head," Ashleigh said politely, as she got up.

"I'm sure it won't be the last time." Dad was all smiles.

As we walked towards Ashleigh's house, she told me what they'd talked about. It was mostly Dad trying to find out a bit about her and her family. It seems that neither of them had embarrassed me, which seemed a major surprise. It would have been just like my Dad to say something silly.

When we went through the front door Ashleigh's mother came out of the kitchen to say hi. However, since she didn't know Ashleigh was my girlfriend, I was just treated as another friend. Since she thought I was a girl, there weren't any restrictions about me not going upstairs.

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Ashleigh asked.

"Why don't you two set the table? The meal will be about half an hour."

Such a big table seemed strange, but I suppose there were five of them, six with me as a guest. At home, it was just the three of us, and we had a much smaller table. We quickly finished up, and Ashleigh took my hand and dragged me upstairs to her bedroom. With the door closed, we were soon kissing. When Ashleigh's younger brother, Tony, called that the meal was ready, I knew I was in trouble. I'd got rather aroused during our making out and our hair looked rather dishevelled.

"We'll just be a minute," called back Ashleigh, while I darted to the toilet.

I'm not sure how, but we made it to the table, looking sweet and innocent.

"So Becky, are you planning on joining the hockey team?" asked Caroline, Ashleigh's sister.

"I've my exams in May, so I probably won't have time," I replied. I'd expected the question so had already thought of an answer.

"Ah, you're the same age as Ashleigh then," said Mr Thompson. It was the first time we'd met. He seemed a nice man, and seemed to be the person who dragged the conversations on.

The only one who seemed a bit off was Tony. He kept staring at me. As the meal came to an end, I was sure he'd worked out who I was. He'd even given me a wink when I'd been introduced as Becky.

On the bus it was something I mentioned to Ashleigh. "Nah, he just fancied you."

I was rather surprised. "But he can't fancy me."

"He thinks you are a girl. What did you think of him?"

"A nice lad, who totally lost me with his music."

"Not that. Did you more than like him?"

"No," I said rather surprised. "Are you trying to set me up with him?"

She laughed. "No, but yesterday you said you'd never been out with anyone. I was just trying to see if you swung both ways."

It took me a moment to realise what she meant. "Even if I did, which I don't think I do, there is no way I would cheat. Anyway, what about you? Do you fancy-"

"You."

A rather simple answer, but it didn't really help me. "I meant boys or girls."

"I don't know. As I said yesterday, I've never found anybody I fancied before. I sort of see you as Becky, but also a bit as Richard."

I shrugged. I knew she saw me mostly as Becky, but it was a bit of a relief that she knew there was more to me than that. In some ways, I was still surprised that I wasn't upset that she thought I was a girl.

"So why do you want me to get the outfit?" I asked. At last, I'd got out the question I'd been itching to ask.

"You're a bit larger than me and if you tried some of my things, it would ruin them."

"Would you like us to go out together as two girls?"

"If you are okay with that."

"I think so, which is rather puzzling. I have no desire to be a girl. Well I don't think I do."

When we got to the shop, I didn't pay much attention until I heard my name being called. I looked up and saw two girls there from my English class. I subtly passed the skirt that was in my hand to Ashleigh.

I wished I was invisible, but Ashleigh was made of sterner stuff. "Why don't you introduce me?"

I gave her a look, but we walked across. "Hi Sara and Moira."

"Is that your girlfriend? Robert said she was at the football match this morning."

"Girls, this is Ashleigh. Ashleigh, these two try to keep me out of trouble in English." We slipped our arms around each other.

Sara and Moira smiled and genuinely seemed happy for us. Ashleigh put the skirt back on a rack and we all went out of the shop chatting together. We walked up to the main shopping area in town and spent the afternoon hanging out together.

We all had fun and Ashleigh had remembered to call me Richard. All was okay until just before we went to the bus station. A man, collecting signatures stopped us, "Hi girls, can you sign this protest against proposed cuts to the fire service?"

After all the mistakes that people made, I didn't correct the man. I was so used to it and let it ride. It was always more embarrassing to correct people than ignore it. Ashleigh didn't blink as I'm sure she still thought of me as Becky.

Sara and Moira laughed a bit, but then looked a bit confused that I didn't respond. I deliberately hung back so they all signed first and then as I signed as Becky. This was the first time I'd used that name in writing. It seemed a bit strange, but it saved the person wondering why I signed it as Richard. Ashleigh, who was standing next to me noticed, but Sara and Moira were too busy chatting to look back at the clipboard.

"So much for a date," I sighed as we got on the bus. I was getting the one with Ashleigh while Sara and Moira were catching one which would take them closer to where they, and I, lived. Even the benefit of not getting that outfit seemed not to make up for it.

"I know," she said, giving me a squeeze. "Are they always like that?"

"I think so. I don't see them much in school apart from in lessons. In school I'm Richard, and hang with the guys."

"Are you doing anything next weekend?"

"Dad starts on dayshift next Saturday. I'm not sure what shift Mum is on. They had planned for us to go out Friday evening for a meal. This is a rare thing for us."

"Oh?"

"I'll be sixteen."

"Why didn't you tell me?!"

I shrugged. "I had other things on my mind. My parents are also trying to encourage me to get a Saturday job, so I'm not sure how much I'll be able to see you."

"Where are you going to apply?"

"Tesco. They often want more people with the run up to Christmas and I'm sure they will want to make sure they are ready before that."

"Sounds a plan," she agreed. She had a glint in her eyes, and I wondered what plan she'd been coming up with.

"So when are you sixteen?"

"The following Friday."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I complained, mimicking how she'd been a few minutes ago.

She laughed. "Because you didn't ask."

I was now very glad I'd not got the clothes. I would now have a bit more money saved and able to get her something nicer.

When we got to her house, we again had a big kiss. As she went to open the door, she asked, "Will you be online later?"

"Of course."

I got home to find both Mum and Dad up. Dad was getting ready for work.

"Did you have fun?" Mum asked.

"Yeah, she's great to be with. The downside is she likes to shop-shop-shop."

Mum laughed and ushered me into the lounge. "I've got some news."

"Yes?"

"I've just been promoted."

"You got the inspectors job?" Even before she answered, I knew she had. I was so happy for her.

"Yes. Barring any big incident, I'll now be covering a standard daytime shift. I'll have to do some weekends, but at least I'm off nights."

This was great news. Fixed shifts, like mum had been given were rare.

"Mum, can Ashleigh go to my birthday meal? Dad's met her. He can confirm she's okay."

"So he told me. Actually he said she was more than okay. Yet I've yet to meet her."

"If she comes on Friday, then you will."

Mum burst out laughing at that one and told me Ashleigh could come.

Final Chapter

"Richard, get down here now!" screamed Dad.

This didn't sound good. Dad was rarely upset like that and when he was, it was best to get there quickly. "BRB" I put in the Instant Messenger screen.

When I went into the lounge, setting there with my parents were Ashleigh's parents.

"Oh shit!" I muttered. I tried to put on a smile, but I don't think it hid my terror. I couldn't work out how Ashleigh's parents had found out. Ashleigh hadn't slipped up at my Birthday meal, and nobody had referred to me as anything but Becky when I'd been at Ashleigh's house for her birthday last week.

"I take it that it's true then," Mum said, looking stonily faced. "You've been lying to Mr and Mrs Thompson by pretending to be a girl and calling yourself Becky?"

"It's not like-"

I wasn't able to finish as Mum thundered, "Answer the question."

"I am," I complained. "Since I met Mrs Thompson, she thought I was a girl. It was just less embarrassing not to tell her the truth."

"And you used it as an excuse to be in Ashleigh's room, even though she isn't allowed boys in there?"

I didn't know how to answer that one. "It wasn't an excuse," was all I could say.

"Richard, go to your room. We will talk about this later, but just to give you something to think about, you are grounded."

"I'm sorry," I apologised. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone."

I felt so rejected. My parents were normally so fair, but now it seemed they weren't. I wasn't sure how Ashleigh's parents found out where I lived, or that I wasn't Richard. When I got to my room, I saw the Instant Messenger screen flashing.

I quickly typed, "Your parents are here and I'm grounded. Your parents didn't seem too happy."

"Oh shit!"

"Yeah. Do you think they'll stop us seeing each other?"

There was no response.

"Ashleigh?"

"Sorry, I was crying. I love you so much."

"I love you too. However, you have to live with your parents until you go to uni, so you should do as they say."

"It's not fair." I could almost hear her sobbing.

"It isn't," I continued. "However, until we are sorted, we'll have to live with Instant Messaging. I'm sure that in a few weeks it'll be forgotten about."

The front door banged shut. "It sounds like your parents have just left. I'm going to log off just in case mine come in here. I'll try to be online later. I love you."

"I love you too."

Disconnecting seemed like the end of the world. I switched off the monitor and lay on the bed, waiting for my parents to enter. With only thirteen stairs, it didn't take long for my bedroom door to open.

They both came in and looked sadly at me. "What were you playing at?" Dad eventually asked.

"I was having fun," I responded.

"You find lying to people fun?"

"I wasn't lying. Ashleigh's parents jumped to the conclusion that I was female."

"You didn't correct them though, did you?"

"No."

"Did you two have sex?"

"No."

"Did you wear female clothes?" Mum took over the interrogation. I surprised she didn't bring in a tape recorder so she had proof of what I said.

"I didn't have to. Jeans are worn by girls and boys. For some reason, if a person doesn't know me, they assume I'm a girl."

"So when you went shopping with Ashleigh, did you try on female clothes?"

"Yes. It was rather fun." I instantly regretted saying that as the storm suddenly hit their sails.

"You could have been arrested," almost shouted Mum.

"Wearing women's clothes isn't illegal."

That was also a bad move. "You would have been arrested for 'disturbing the peace'. I will leave to one side how that would have affected my position if you'd been marched into the station where I work."

"Sorry," I murmured. "But don't you care that I was happy?"

"Haven't you thought how it would affect your future?" Dad asked. "You are popular at school. You are in the football team. You are good academically and a wiz on that computer. Would you want to throw all that away?"

"No," I said reluctantly.

"You've got your exams in a few months. Concentrate on them. I would like you to come home straight from school and apart from your football matches; you need to be at home."

"How long for?"

"Until Christmas."

I nodded, hoping that was it. I had my punishment and internally sighed in relief.

"One final thing and it might surprise you, but we were quite upset about this. Mr and Mrs Thompson have asked that you no longer see Ashleigh."

"Why?" I'd thought something like this would happen, but it still felt like my heart had been ripped out.

"They say they are concerned that you are a bad influence on her. However, I think it is more likely that they are upset that they were fooled by you. I don't think they are aware that you chat online though."

My parents left me and I moved across to the window and stared out at the twinkling streetlights. Life really didn't feel fair. It wasn't my fault that the world thought I was a girl. In some ways my parents hadn't really listened, but that wasn't what hurt the most. Besides not seeing Ashleigh again I felt so bad that my parents felt I'd let them down. They'd given me a lot of freedom, and now it was being taken back.

I went back onto my computer and reopened the instant messenger. Ashleigh wasn't there. I went back to brooding, wondering if she would be back on later. When it got time for bed, there was still no sign. I decided to stay up a bit later, and idly tried to look up some things we'd been discussing in physics. Planets, stars and space were interesting, but every few minutes I would flip back to see if she was online.

The glow of the computer screen must have been visible through the gap between the door and the floor, as Mum knocked on my door. "Did she come online?"

"No," my voice cracked slightly.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure."

"If she doesn't come online this weekend, then why don't you send her a text message on Monday? Her parents might confiscate it now, but I doubt they would let her go to school without it. Now off to bed, we have some things to do tomorrow."

I reluctantly switched off the computer, watching the instant messenger screen until it disappeared.

"I know this sounds crass, but the sooner you sleep the sooner it will be morning, and you can see if Ashleigh appears online. I don't recommend you go to see the hockey. It is best to let Mrs Thompson get over the shock."

Mum disappeared, leaving me to get ready for bed. I could hear the murmuring in their bedroom and wondered if they were discussing me. Sleep didn't come easily and when it did, it was in short snatches, interlaced with bouts of tears, hurt and a big dose of confusion.

At six, the following morning, I switched on the computer. While it was booting, I checked my mobile. Nothing. Once the PC was up there was no email, and no sign of her on Instant Messenger. I sat dejected, and the waterfalls opened again. It was a good job Dad hadn't seen me like this; he would never have understood.

I picked at my breakfast, not really hungry, but Dad insisted I eat. Both of them seemed sympathetic with what I was going through, but I bet none of them had this trouble when they were younger.

"Hurry up, or we'll be late," said Mum.

"We're going out?"

"We are. While we are out, Dad is going shopping. Now eat up and make sure you clean your teeth properly."

"Yes Mum."

With a bit of prodding, I got ready. I didn't know where we were going, and was rather surprised to find us getting out at the doctors. I hadn't been there for years.

"I'd like an appointment to see Dr Roberts," Mum requested.

"Is this for you or your daughter?"

My mum glanced at me and I shrugged. "It's actually for my son."

Mum gave my particulars and the receptionist soon had my details on screen. "If you'll take a seat."

The waiting room wasn't too busy and we managed to sit in a quiet area, "Is that what it's always like?"

"When people don't know me. You saw how embarrassed she was when she realised the mistake. That's why I don't normally correct them."

It wasn't long before we were called in.

"What can I do for you today?" Dr Roberts asked.

I wasn't sure why we'd come to see the doctor, so I let my mum answer. "Richard is sixteen and hasn't started puberty and we've come to see if there is a medical issue. He had an operation for testicular torsion when he was ten and I'm worried if that is having an impact."

I looked at mum with admiration. I'd forgotten about that operation.

"Sixteen is only a bit outside the standard parameters. However, it isn't anything to worry about." The doctor tapped at his computer and brought up my medical history. "Ah yes, here we are. You had a bilateral orchiopexy. Richard, have you had any pain down there since the operation?"

"No."

"That's good. Well let's see if we can find out if there is something stopping puberty. I'm going to need to examine you down there. Since you are under eighteen, I will need to be chaperoned. Would you prefer your mother or a nurse?"

"I'd prefer Ashleigh. However, I think a nurse would be less embarrassing. Sorry Mum."

The doctor picked up his phone and asked for the practice nurse to come in. While he waited, he asked, "So who's Ashleigh?"

"Until yesterday she was my girlfriend. Her parents were upset last night when they found I wasn't a girl."

He smiled a bit. "I bet, especially if you'd been allowed in her bedroom because of their assumption."

The nurse appeared and I disappeared behind the modesty curtain. I called him when I was ready the two medical people joined me. I was prodded a bit, and slightly manipulated, but it didn't last long. I was soon asked to get dressed.

When I came back to my seat, the nurse had gone. "Everything seems in order. I would like you to go and get some blood work done so we can see what your hormone levels are." He handed me a form and a list of times and places where they could take my blood. "Make an appointment with reception to see me in three weeks."

"Are any of the places doing the blood tests today?" Mum asked as we got into the car.

"Yeah, at the hospital."

"Then that is our next stop."

When we got there, I took a number and sat with mum to wait. About an hour later, my number was called and we went through. "Hello ladies, which one am I doing?"

I silently handed over the form and took a seat. The nurse scanned it, and said, "I'm sorry about that Richard. Now if you roll up your sleeve we have four vials to take."

"Four?"

"Your GP has asked for a lot of tests."

When I'd given the needed supply, we went home. Mum hadn't said a word the whole time we were in the hospital.

"Why don't you see if Ashleigh is online?"

I bounced up the stairs. She wasn't online, but there was a short email. Her parents had grounded her, and told her she was never to see me again. I couldn't cry anymore. A just sat on my bed and stared out of the window at the passing clouds. Life was so unfair.

I didn't hear them knock or come in, so was rather surprised to see Mum and Dad looking at me. "I think we owe you an apology," said Dad. "I didn't believe you yesterday when you said that people who didn't know you assumed you were a girl."

My parents had never apologised like that before and I wasn't really sure how to respond. Dad must have noticed the email that was still open on my computer. "There are plenty more fish in the sea."

Mum mustn't have liked that, as she coldly pushed him out of the door.

"Do you want to talk about the email?"

"It isn't a surprise, is it? You said last night what her parents had said."

"I suppose not." Mum sat on the edge of my bed. "Do you want to continue seeing her?"

"Yes. I mean we're both sixteen. Doesn't that give us more rights?"

"A few. You can leave home at sixteen, but only with parental permission. Without, permission, you would be reported to the police as a missing child."

"Oh. So she couldn't just leave home then."

"Would you really want Ashleigh to be estranged from her family?"

"No, but it's not fair what they're doing."

"Life is never fair," Mum reminded me. "Her parents might change their mind when they've calmed down. In the meantime, use the extra time to study."

Studying became part of my life. Yes these exams were important, but being grounded sucked. My parents might have apologised for not believing me about always being recognised as a girl, but they didn't lift the grounding. They still thought I'd been deceitful.

It wasn't until Sunday morning that I got to chat with Ashleigh and I found out what had happened. I'd left the computer on, while studying my maths. I heard a bleep and saw Ashleigh had sent me a message. My heart jumped for joy.

"Hi Darling," I said.

"Hi love," I responded. "Are you okay?"

"Not really. I can't believe my parents would do this. I'm not allowed to see you."

"So my parents said. While my parents grounded me for not correcting your parents, it seems they aren't happy about us not being allowed to see each other. Any idea what happened?"

"Yeah, I found out this morning by accident. Tony was caught wearing some of Caroline's clothes. Dad went ballistic and asked why. Tony said he thought Dad wouldn't mind because that's what Becky was doing. Tony is grounded too, for even longer than me."

"Oh no. Is Tony okay?"

"Not really. Dad made him promise that he would never do it again. I managed to get Tony on his own, and he said he felt he was really a girl. How've you been?"

"I've been missing you a lot. I've had the computer on as much as I can, just in case you got the chance to be online. When you sent me the email yesterday my Mum had taken me to see the doctor to find out why I'd not started puberty. She got a shock when the receptionist thought I was her daughter."

"You've not started puberty?"

"It seems not. I think Mum thinks that's why people think I'm a girl. The doctor has ordered some blood tests. Are you going to be online much?"

"No, I'm banned. My parents are out at the moment so I've snuck on for a bit. I'll have my mobile back tomorrow."

"I'll speak to you then. You better go; I don't want you getting into more trouble. I love you."

"I love you too."

He name disappeared off my online friends and I sighed. In some ways I felt a bit better, but in others a lot worse. I knew I'd never been allowed to see her again.

I wandered downstairs and found Mum slaving away in the kitchen. "I doubt her parents will ever let us see each other again."

"Oh?" Mum brushed off the flour off her hands and took my hand.

"Seems Tony had been caught wearing Caroline's clothes and thought his parents would be okay because his parents were treating me as a girl."

"Tony's transgendered?"

"Huh?"

"Did Ashleigh say if Tony just liked the clothes or wanted to be a girl?"

"He felt he was a girl."

"If someone feels like that they are referred to as Gender Dysphoric or Transgendered."

"How do you know all this?" I was worried if Mum had been researching because of me.

"Because of work. We all have had diversity training so we treat everybody correctly. It gets especially fun if we have to perform a strip search."

"I bet." I laughed a bit at the thought of someone having to have a strip search and them finding what they thought was a women was actually a man.

"It isn't funny for person being stripped. If you think what happened with the receptionist was embarrassing, this can be even worse. Having to be strip searched can be bad enough for a person. Imagine if you have your deepest secret revealed."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't think."

"That is just the tip of the iceberg. I take it that Mr and Mrs Thompson haven't taken Tony's revelation very well?"

"It didn't sound so. Is there anything we can do?"

"By refusing to listen to Tony's issues, they might be morally wrong, but they aren't breaking the law. Also there isn't probably much social services can do either."

"I know, life's unfair, but this situation certainly is worse than that." Since Friday, I think 'Life is unfair' was becoming too much of a common phrase.

"Yes it is. Do you feel like Tony?"

"Huh?"

"Do you feel like a girl? Didn't you say you found trying on women's clothes fun?"

"It was fun and exciting. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was because I'd never been out with someone I liked so much."

"It didn't upset you putting on female clothes?"

"Not really. It did at first, but when I didn't think about it, it was fun."

"Did it bother you when people thought you were a girl?"

"At times. I suppose I just got used to it, and went with the flow. It seems to be a lot less embarrassing for everyone. Why are you asking?"

"I was just trying to understand what you were going through. If you do feel like Tony, I hope you will be able to talk to me."

"Of course." I walked out of the kitchen, slightly confused why Mum asked me what she did. I wasn't transgendered, was I? I remembered what Dad had said on Friday night about how it might affect my future. Would being like Tony mean I was throwing my life away? I felt so confused.

By the time my appointment with the doctor came, I was still talking with Ashleigh, but both of us were finding it hard. The physical separation was made worse because we couldn't be there for each other and have the fun we'd had. In some ways it was like I'd had several weeks with the light turned on and now I'd had three weeks where life meant little.

The appointment was on late Friday afternoon, so I didn't get any extra time off school. Mum was going to make it for earlier in the afternoon, but the doctor had wanted me in this specific appointment — the last one of the day.

As with any last appointment, we were late in. All the delays of the day mounted up to make it twenty minutes late. I wondered if we would be asked to come back another day, but no such luck.

When we were seated Dr Roberts turned to us. "I have had the blood tests back. Richard seems to have a slightly lower androgen count, which might have been caused by your operation. From talking with an endocrinologist-"

"A hormone doctor," whispered my mum to me.

"I couldn't have put it better," laughed Dr Roberts, who had obviously heard. "The hormone doctor said that everything seemed fine, but with the lower levels, things are just running a bit late. There are two options. One we do nothing and let nature take its cause, or two, we give a slight injection of testosterone to see if that kicks things off."

I looked at my mum slightly bewildered. Surely the doctor would just give me the injection and I'd been on my way. The doctor however, wasn't finished.

"Before we rush and jab everyone, we need to make sure giving the body a nudge is the right thing to do. I have a few questions for you, Richard, some of which are a bit personal. Do you want your mum with you, or would you rather she waits outside?"

I looked at him, rather surprised. "It's okay for her to stay."

The doctor didn't look too happy, but nodded in acceptance. "When you came to see me the other week, you mentioned that your girlfriend's parents hadn't been too happy because they thought you were a girl. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"At least my notes were right. When you went out with her, was it just her parents that thought you were a girl?"

"No."

"Did you wear girl's clothes?"

"No. I just had my standard jeans and top on." I then blushed a bit. "We did go shopping together though, and I did end up trying some on then."

"I see. And by your mum not reacting to this, I take it she knows?"

"We talked about this the other day. I take it you are asking this because you wonder if I want to be a girl? Well I don't. I just want to fit in, and it would be best if I did that as Richard."

"I see." Dr Roberts sat back and looked like he was in deep thought. Eventually he continued. "I would like you to see someone to discuss this more."

I shook my head. "No. I discussed this with Mum several times over the last few weeks. I think she had similar concerns. I just want to start puberty, and concentrate on my exams without the worry of teasing."

"I'm sorry. I would love to give you the injection, but I can't until I know that it is the right thing to do."

"Then I will have to wait until I go through puberty, or will another doctor at this practice be able to help?" I was rather pissed off.

"You are more than welcome to ask for an appointment with another doctor or wait."

My mum then spoke for the first time. "Doctor, I have similar concerns to you, which is why I've been discussing this with Richard. However, Richard is adamant that he isn't gender dysphoric and I don't think a psychiatrist would get anything different from him. I think any further probing in this area is going to just cause more issues and potentially harm my child."

Dr Roberts frowned. "I see. I too don't want to harm Richard and am trying to make sure that I am doing the right thing. How about a compromise? Book an appointment for next Friday. If Richard still is insistent, then I will give him the testosterone. This will give you a week to reach a conclusion."

By the time we got to Mum's car, I was still upset. "Why didn't he just give me the injection?"

"Because he wants to make sure he is doing the right thing."

"Do you think I want to be a girl?"

"Woman. You're getting to old to be a girl. And I don't know. Some of the things you said from when you went out with Ashleigh sort of made me wonder, and I didn't want you to be frightened to say anything to me. From what I've been told at work, it is a medical issue, and should be treated as such."

"What about Dad?"

"Dad is aware of the issues. We have discussed it and he wants you to be happy. He finds it harder to understand, as he has never had the training on gender issues like I have. However, if you did want to be a woman, then I do know that Dad would still love you and wouldn't stop you getting the treatment you needed."

My mind flashed back to what Ashleigh had said about Tony and the way his parents were treating him. That was something I knew I could never live with and never risk.

"You are great parents," I said, leaning over and giving Mum a hug.

The week passed slowly. I saw both Mum and Dad watching my every move and even Dad asked some pointed questions, however I didn't swerve in my decision. I didn't want to risk being alienated like I'd heard Tony was. Dr Roberts still seemed reluctant, but did as he promised, and gave me my injection.

The following Sunday I went to see Ashleigh's parents. I hadn't even told Ashleigh, and just visited. Mr Thompson was the one who answered the door.

"I thought you'd been told that you can't see Ashleigh," he said gruffly.

"I'm not here to see her, but to see you and Mrs Thompson."

He seemed a bit surprised at that and opened the door wider to let me in. Ashleigh must have heard my voice as she appeared at the top of the stairs. "Go back to your room Ashleigh," he commanded and ushered me into the lounge where Mrs Thompson was. She seemed a bit surprised to see me.

"Thanks for seeing me," I said politely. "I came to give you some details you might not have been aware of last month. I had an issue that I hadn't started puberty. The doctor ran some tests and on Friday gave me an injection to help. The doctor said this would start puberty, so soon there should be no more issues about people mistaking me for a woman."

"And?" prompted Mrs Thompson.

"Since you know the truth, I was hoping that you both would change your minds about me seeing Ashleigh."

"It wasn't just the looks, but also your behaviour and the way you have influenced this family," said Mrs Thompson. "I think you have had a wasted journey coming here today. We don't want you to see Ashleigh ever again."

"You can't stop me from seeing her when she's eighteen," I reminded them.

"I think you should leave," said Mr Thompson, getting up from his chair.

As I left the house, I heard Ashleigh weeping. I just hoped I'd not made things worse. My parents were waiting for me when I got home and by the looks of their faces, they'd had a phone call.

"Mr Thompson rang and asked that you don't go back," Mum said.

"I had to try and change their minds," I said, feeling down.

"I know. However, some people can just be too pig-headed."

I didn't know what to do, so went up to my room. There was no sign of Ashleigh online, so I went to stare out of the window at the passing world. As I watched the buzzing of traffic on the distant main road, I prayed that I'd made the right decision about having the testosterone injection and that I would one day see Ashleigh again.