Printer-friendly version
Author:
Taxonomy upgrade extras:
Well, the last couple of days I've been fighting with doubts about my trans status. I'm not sure where this is coming from, unless its anxiety over the possible fight with my ex, and I'm looking for the easy way out - If I'm not trans, no fight, right? I wish I could know for sure if my rape caused this struggle, or not. I could live with either answer as long as I could have some facts on my side. Ah, well.
Comments
It's a hard question to answer.
Having never been raped I don't feel qualified to answer your question on any subsequent struggles it causes. However, on the subject of gender I do have a few opinions. I can say, without a doubt, that there is no scientific evidence linking abuse to gender identity. In fact, there is ample evidence to suggest the contrary.
If you feel you are a woman then you are a woman. Don't be of the opinion that being forced in to a "submissive" role through a horrible attack would make you start adopting female feelings. If you have real questions about your gender identity and think any sort of transition could be a mistake then stop your transition. Get a therapist, or someone qualified in gender theory, and talk it out with them. It could be they'll help you figure out what you really need to be.
But, for the love of all that is good in this world, do not talk about it with unqualified individuals: i.e. family members. They'll come up with all sorts of theories and ideas that could, if you let them, mess with your identity and set you back.
For your other question: I would hardly look at transitioning as the "easy way out". You have to put a lot of time and money in to it and it's very painful both emotionally and physically. You can lose friends, family, and jobs over it. It is in no way an "easy way out".
I really hope you figure out your feelings. I think almost every transgendered person in history struggled with doubts about their gender identity and whether they're truly trans. It's normal. You should be thinking about these things heavily. They'll help you make, or not make (as the case may be), decisions that will affect the entirety of your life and your ability to get through what life has to offer with as little pain as possible.
The truth of the matter is there is no easy answer.
WARNING!!! Arm chair psychology alert!
From time to time, everyone wonders if they're making all the right decisions which will lead to them living the happiest possible life. And the truth is, none of us will ever know. All we can do is weigh the odds and then either jump or not jump.
Dorothy, just make sure that the action you're thinking of taking is really the solution to the situation. Yes, you need to break some eggs if you're making an omelet. But cracking eggs isn't going to help you make a ham sandwich. What I mean is transitioning will cure the problem of identifying as the opposite sex. But it probably isn't the best way to deal with claustrophobia, unemployment, a stutter, or dozens of other issues.
I know I've probably not expressed my opinion here very well, and it is just an opinion. But I did want to put in my two cents here. I only hope my amateur analysis didn't do any harm.
Hugs... Lora
The girl in me... She's always there
and she's usually sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.
doubts
We all have self-doubts sometimes. Especially after conflicts with others. If you can't work it out yourself, hash it out with a professional. You know, maybe you will find out you're making a mistake. Or maybe that you're doing the right thing, but for the wrong reason(s). Or... maybe you were right and your current self doubts are just second guessing yourself, maybe for the reason you said (easier way out of conflict) or another...
Lisa "but what do I know?" Danielle
having closely managed to
having closely managed to avoid getting raped, i'd add my own thoughts for your consideration.
i'd been at a pub with some vague aquaintances, over the course of a few hours playing pool, one of their mates kept commenting on how pretty and girly i was and i just laughed it off (i was male at the time), i stopped laughing when he called it a night, grabbed me and announced to all that he was taking me home for a good seeing to.
i managed to escape his grip and got the hell away from him, at which point some of his mates got him out of the pub.
the remaining mates complimented me on getting out of his grasp and not making him angry, (they has seen him beat up 6 cops once), they also told me that he would have done what he was saying he'd do.
i soon after locked that memory away and repressed it, and it was 20 or so years later that i had to deal with it and everything else i had repressed.
At the time i had already repressed my true self, and so was not conciously hiding what was obviously seen by the scumbag as feminine behaviour, to finally get to the point, in my case i was always female inside and the potential rape was a result of his perception of such, it may however have a lot to do with my being a lesbian, as i never feel safe around more than 1 male.
i don't know the details of your incident, but i hope and pray you find the answers you need.
love & regards
Amanda
I was... approached... once too...
At Cedar Point one year I was targetted by a predatory homosexual man. It took dragging him to one of the family meetups to finally shake him, and the entire time he was tailing me I stuck purely to very busy areas and walked fast.
Despite my own self-repression at the time, I didn't repress this memory, probably because he was a gay man, so who knew why he targetted me out of everyone at the park, right? I was male, that would have been all he needed right?
Well... I now think he probably noticed something and assumed I was perhaps gay myself. Or maybe he had a thing for closet MtF's. I suppose I'll never know for sure, but he targetted me. There were countless other boys in the park at the time, and he targetted me. And now I know about myself... well, I don't believe in coincidences.
Anyways, once I finally shook him, you can bet it was one VERY urgent trip to the restroom.
My younger brother failed to escape. More than once. He's a CD, always has been. His victimization didn't suddenly turn him into a TG. If anything, it may have made him even more stupidly machismo. I'm finding out now, after coming out, that he is also fighting some sort of sex addiction - not just any addiction ladies, but an addiction to transgendered porn... Very uncomfortable, knowing this and still living with him... Needless to say I've been locking my door when I leave in the morning and when I go to bed at night. He's my brother, and I love him, but I'm not and will not ever be a victim. Of any one. Not if I can help it.
I guess my point is, Dorothy, that these things are very very complicated, and the only person who can really truly tell you who you are is you. Though your therapist can probably help with the doubts and fears if you have a difficult time managing them yourself.
I'm eventually going to have to start seeing one myself as part of transition, I just hope I find one who isn't going to try to dissect my brain or something... I'm handling things quite surprisingly well, really. I wouldn't want to go to a rubber stamper either though, I'd want them to be as convinced as I am that I'm on the right path before signing that paper.
Abigail Drew.
Abigail Drew.
As you walk the transition
As you walk the transition road, doubts, questioning, are all normal facets of the journey, and believe it or not, a healthy part of that journey. So don't be alarmed about having doubts. However, you have an internal narrative that restates your history, your feelings, and lets you know that you are trans, of one sort or another. I suspect that as you believe most of the time, you are indeed transsexual. Doubts, the internal self checks about the rightness of your road, those are normal. Most, myself included, have a last minute heart to heart with themselves hours before surgery!! It was just one of those internal checks, making sure I was right in the way I felt and what I needed, then I was satisfied to take the last step.
As far as your uncertainty about being TS goes, I think you know the David Reimer story, a boy trapped into dresses by Dr. John Money who had a theory to prove, though he instead proved the opposite. Gender, and gender confusion, is inborn and is part of you no matter the clothing you wear or the physical attributes of the body you wear. It cannot be so casually interrupted as by a rape event, personally tragic though it may be, but there are some experiences that can keep it repressed for a time and make a person very depressed and feel so very bad.
Facing your EX and defending yourself if needed is a matter of courage and being willing to fight for your parental rights, not gender. So COURAGE! my friend. I know you do not care for confrontation, but sometimes what we wish to be so is not, and one must have the, lets see - I think the polite way of phrasing it is -- the "intestinal fortitude" to carry on and see a difficult problem through. I wish I could tell you it would be your last, but there are a lot of hills to climb between the easier valleys of your path. Take it from one who walked the road before you.
CaroL
CaroL
Most agreed!
That is why it is a RL 'Test'. Even now 21 years post full time and 10 years post-op once in a very very long while I have this stupid notion of 'did I make a mistake?' Funny it is after one has space to truly really think about it and am under no pressure that such doubts surface. Of course there are doubts. Most of us are not genetically female, sad to say, and I have these periodic desires to have children and if I were to ask myself whether I would have been willing to carry them myself, I would say 'hell yeah'.
Address your doubts though.
Kim
You may never be sure of which preceded what...
...unless your memories become clearer after being hidden or hazy. What you do know, regardless of proof or evidence or facts, is how you see yourself. Not just 'feelings' but your core belief about Dorothy. Who that person you've lived with all your life is? What have you longed for as far as your personhood. That's what will ultimately help you understand, I believe.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Speculation...
My opinion is that anything any of us can say is really just speculation and/or our opinions based on not enough information.
We really can't get inside each other's heads nor can we feel what each other is feeling.
Some things I've seen/read tell me that there are many transgendered people who either don't need to or just don't transition. The reasons for this are as many as there are people.
One thing that I've heard - from many people TS as well as non-TS who work with us... If you are not 100% sure, don't transition. If you don't NEED to transition (to be healthy) don't do it. If you transition, and it doesn't work - you have not failed! They call it a "real life test" for a reason... But, it's not a test one can FAIL. It's a test to tell us something about ourselves that we don't and can't know.
Another thing is that doubts are a natural part of life. Sometimes doubts are helpful. Sometimes they are harmful. But, they tell us something. We need to figure out why we have doubts - whether they are from fear of the unknown; whether they are from our subconscious telling us we're making a mistake; whether they are from worry about others reactions... They exist. Once we figure out where the doubts come from, sometimes we can find they are telling us something we didn't know. Sometimes we find they are just our fears holding us back,
As others have said, if you have doubts, work through them with your therapist. Nothing wrong with doubts. Having doubts doesn't mean you're NOT TS...
Transitioning doesn't make "all better" (from all I've been able to discover) it just changes things. Some IS likely to be better (IF you truly need to transition) but some will not be. Women ARE second class citizens in much of the US... Sucks, but it's the way things are. Trans women end up as 3rd class citizens... And are not even recognized as women (legally) in much of the country (thus how Megan Stabler was able to get married in Texas. She's a MAN there.).
Anne