Rights retained by author  ©by Essarr Permission granted to Big Closet Exclusively

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I survived the monthly visitor crisis by stashing the spent, whatever you want to call them in zip lock bags. The smell how can you hide the stench? I know hiding the bag under my bed does not work. The fumes wafted through to my nostrils all night. I pictured a scene where I poked a coat hanger through the top of the bag and hung the offender outside my window. ‘What would Rocky think if he looked out his window?’ His bedroom is opposite mine. We spent many a night flashing Morris Code signals back and forth. I know he could see a coat hanger swaying in the breeze. Obviously the freezer is out and I do not have a private bathroom. The closet will not work I can imagine the hang over smell trapped in that confined space.

When I left for school I opened my window wide with the fan blowing out. I already told you mom is not an idiot. There is a nagging suspicion the woman would pick up on that odor right away. I have a few weeks to figure it out. I should tell these guys that want to be girls. It ain’t no picnic there are many pitfalls. Why is it, I have to discover them all at once?

Day three in school presented my guidance counselor a woman who is as round as she is tall. Mrs. Murray introduced me to the field house. It seems she saw me skating and thought it was imperative I be turned loose on their ice rink. I should not have been surprised an exclusive school had an ice rink. But as dad said when he discovered Dallas had an NHL team.

“It ought to be against the law to have a hockey team in a place that cannot grow its own ice.”

Anyway I love ice skating and I can finally do it here, in a place where I would never suspect such a facility exist. Perhaps, I will take advantage when I find the time.

I am sitting at a study hall desk my skirt resting on my thighs. I hate how my skirt rides up each time I sit or bend. Believe me it is a shock when you first experience it. I am day dreaming or to be exact worrying. According to my calculations, my three accomplices, their parents, my two ex best friends, my tormentor, and my Doctor know I am a girl. All of this has occurred in the space of a few weeks. Well perhaps it was a month but no more than that. Yet my parents have not figured it out. I know I have to tell them but I, don’t know how. Rationalization is a wonderful thing it rates right up there with denial.

My plan is simple, don’t tell them. I know at some point some stupid comment will blow the whole deception. ‘What am I afraid of?’ The bell finally sounds and I am free to eat lunch having not accomplished a thing.

I walk into the lunch room with the girls and we head to our favorite table. I stop suddenly seeing Dave sitting there. ‘Is he, one of the virgin contestants?’ It is funny how in my new quarry persona everything is questioned.

Dave stands facing me directly.

“You do not mind, do you?”

My buddies all giggle and glance at me. As if they need my permission, to set me up. Like an idiot I answer.

“Not at all.”

So who does he sit next to? Even though I made a conscious effort to squeeze in between Becky and Pam. Silly Becky moves over giving him room. Now his knee is touching mine. Not that I am complaining. I am waiting for his fingers to accidentally regard me in some fashion. Thankfully, he is too cool to do something stupid.

“How do you like it here Jeanette?”

Jeanette, ‘what need feeds everyone to want to embrace an adaptation to my name?’ I hear it more often than not lately. You know I like it but I can’t wait for the phone to ring. Dad answers it to hear, “is Jeanette home?” Ok so I am paranoid.

“I really do like it here.”

I answer like an air headed coed. At least I left out the ‘fer sure.’ This is the last day of my period. It must be why I am reacting the way I have been all day. Becky does not help.

“Excuse my sister here she is out of sorts today.”

Dave laughs as his eyes rise giving me that I understand look. ‘Thanks Bec you are a friend.’ At least he did not ask me out on a date. My excuse that my parents won’t allow dating is holding up.

Traci gave me crap on the way home telling me I should do more to encourage Dave. I did not want to hear it I have enough complications. We pulled into the driveway and I jumped out the car thanking Doctor Cox.

“Thank you for the ride. I’ll see you in the morning. Call me Traci.”

I got two steps when Traci’s mom’s voice stopped me.

“Jeanette why don’t you come inside?”

I turned with a quizzical expression.

“Your mom and dad will be here in a half hour. We are going to have a cookout. I talked them into taking some time off from work. You need a respite from all the work you do.”

Traci grabbed my arm dragging me toward my house yelling to her mother.

“In a minute mom we have something to do.”

Like a flash we were out of there secured in my room.

“Shit that was close.”

Traci exclaimed while I ditched the uniform and made myself less girly. When we got back Traci had barely enough time to change before my parents arrival. I find myself sitting next to Traci in the middle of the picnic table bench. Our parents are lined up opposite us while Mr. Cox is grilling steaks. He turns to look up the driveway.

“I see you made it.”

A tall man and his wife, I assume walk toward us. There is somebody else getting out of the car. Mr. Cox turns to my parents.

“Have you met Mark and Claire McCauley?”

My expression paled when I heard the other voice.

“Surprise Jean-Marie, I bet you did not expect to see me.”

I bit my lip and closed my eyes. ‘This cannot be true.’ Mom answers.

“No Ron but I have met their son. Hello David nice to see you again. You should stop by, Jean-Marie could use the company.”

My father looked at my mother with that you did not mention this expression.

“I forgot to tell you dear. David brought Jean-Marie home from the track meet for me awhile back. We have not seen you since have we David?”

I sunk deeper into my seat trying to make myself small. Dave did not help. Again our knees touched as he crammed between me and his mother.

“Jean-Marie, are you still out of sorts?”

His lame attempt at humor was shot down by good old Traci.

“Knock it off Dave you picked on Jean-Marie enough.”

She went on to make up this story of some kid giving me a hard time. My reaction at school was one of anger. I was still angry when Dave joined us for lunch. Dave did not know what it was about and we did not tell him. I squeezed her hand smiling whispering, “thank you.”

It was another close call that I survived but I could see dad was having issues. That surfaced later when we were at home. I was hiding in my room when I heard them talking. Their voices had the familiar parental concern we kids pick up on. You know the tone that causes us to disappear? That one. I should have known because all too soon I heard it.

“Jean-Marie come downstairs please.”

It was my father not sounding at all happy.

“What dad?”

He sets down his newspaper slowly taking a deep breath. I, don’t know what I did but I am getting ready to bail.

“What is the story with this David McCauley character?”

“Uh what do you mean dad?”

‘You mean his chronic hard on for me bothers you?’ I did not let that thought escape. The problem is I experienced this odd damp feeling whenever I see him. I will have to ask Traci about that.

“Jean-Marie,” mother interrupts, “your father and I are concerned.”

Then dad jumps in.

“Is the boy gay?”

“I, don’t think so. He is on the football team”

‘Does kissing me twice and copping a feel of my hip when he thinks he can get away with it count?’ I think before adding another defensive comment.

“Why would you think that?’

Dad answers in a wary voice.

“We saw how he looks at you. He has that boy in love blank stare. We saw how defensive you appear around him. You are not interested in girls. We are concerned.”

Faced with that I blurt out the only thing I could think of.

“That is nuts. I like girls I am taking Traci to the dance next Friday night.”

Both of them relaxed upon hearing that while father felt the need to caution.

“Be careful around that David kid. I don’t trust him and your mother is wary.”

Well if he were to be my first boy friend, we are off to a rocky start. Then mother hits me with the next bomb.

“When you get up in the morning bring your clothes down for me. You deserve a day off. I will do the laundry.”

I smile while attempting to hide a frown.

“Thanks mom I can hang out with Traci instead.”

Now I am in my room trying to figure out how to get my real uniform cleaned. It is a good thing I have four of them. I slept in my boy uniform. How else could I stink it up?

Proud of myself for pulling another fast one I slipped over to Traci’s house. I walked right passed Dad while he grumbled about mowing the lawn. I told Traci about last night’s inquisition and how Dave is off limits. She laughed at first before the weight of it sunk in.

“We are fucked.”

“Thank you for your observation. Brace yourself because you are going to the dance with your boyfriend Friday night.”

“I, don’t have a boyfriend.”

My finger turns inward.

“You do now.”

I finally got a date with Traci a beautiful girl every guy will kill for. Big deal the last thing
I want is a girlfriend. At least I dodged another bullet. It is getting to a point where the walls are closing in. The laundry episode was a close call. Too close for comfort and I wondered how long I could keep this up.

Going to the dance did not bother Traci in the least. As she explained two girls showing up to a dance stag is no big deal. Guys cannot get away dancing with each other. It is another benefit of wearing skirts.

The good news is I managed to get through the next week without any close calls. Dr. Cox continued to act like she knew something I did not. Traci said she too suspected her mother was wise to something going on. Traci was also certain her mother had not figured it out just yet.

“You know Jeanette you better talk to my mom. She will help. She really likes you.”

“Traci I’d like to but my parents will freak.”

“They are going to find out sooner or later.”

We had too many conversations that went around the issue with me not ready to fess up. You dig a hole and keep on digging and you never get out of it.

I really wanted to join the school skating team but knew I could not. There is no way I could manage required practices getting home late in uniform. Traci and I talked about it but we could not figure out a way around a ride home. Her mom might pick me up. Be real at some point it would get old and my parents would get involved.

The other issue is the neighborhood. All of us guys live on Maple Street. Our houses are all lined up in a row. For almost four years Craig, Evan and I lived in each other’s houses. I have no idea what they said to their parents about my not coming around anymore. Thankfully, my parents were not buds of their’s. I sort of got the idea since I have not grown and those guys are into sports their parents assumed we went separate ways. I said I had not grown well I gained two inches. It is nothing compared to their reaching six foot. I see Craig and Evan’s parents around once in awhile we nod and keep walking.

As far as I know they believe I am a boy. That is how they always thought of me. As for Mr. and Mrs. Cox, I am a girl. Becky and Pam are a bit farther down the street and I assume her parents think I am a girl. It is a mess causing me to become neurotic. It is a good thing these people don’t talk to each other.

School is going well. I managed to keep my circle of friends rather tight. Becky is starting to attract more boys as is Pam. Traci and I are also beating them off with a stick. I don’t mind the attention. In fact I enjoy it. But our parents are clones all subscribing to the no date rule. I should say Pam, Traci and Becky’s parents set that rule. My parents don’t mind my dating they just don’t want me dating Dave. Come to think of it dad would be thrilled to see me bring home a girl. They are also getting troubled because I, don’t have any male friends. If they knew the truth they would freak out, over all the male friends I could have.

The girls bitch about their uniforms all the time. I like them because if it were like public school without uniforms. I could never keep up in the clothes department. It is bad enough I have to wash, dry and iron these things and hide them. Imagine hiding a stash of required popular girl clothes. Sooner than later I am going to crack.

Becky, Pam, Traci and I are sitting at our table. We had just finished the last in a series of first term final exams. All three of us did well we know. Becky is excited because her family is taking her to Hawaii for Christmas. Pam has an influx of grandparents from both sides descending at her household. School is out after the last class for three weeks.

“I, can’t believe we get three weeks off for Christmas. Craig and Evan only get two. I guess that is why our parents pay the big bucks.”

That is how I started my conversation off with that lame observation. The others look at me like I am totally out of touch.

“That is because of the parent conferences for the first three days of vacation.”

Pam says off handedly like I should know. Becky nods agreeing as does Traci.

“Didn’t your parents get their letter yet for their appointment? Mom is going in Monday dragging yours truly with her.”

Pam adds with a grimace. The other two chirp in with mine on Tuesday and I’m stuck on Monday as well.

My brows freeze in perpetual panic.

“They did not say anything to me. That is all I need.”

“It is not like you have to wear your uniform.”

Traci says then she adds more fuel to the fire.

“You can bluff your way through. You can do it.”

I consider for a moment making another fatalistic comment.

“All I have to do is announce the use of pronouns are not allowed at school meetings.”

They all laughed and why not wearing skirts for them is not a felony. Now I can sweat out the next three days trying to guess the date of my execution. It turns out it did not take that long.

Twenty minutes later, I am sitting in study hall when the teacher calls me.

“Jeanette you are wanted in the guidance office.”

I shake my head thinking ‘what does Mrs. Murray want now? I, don’t have time for skating. Perhaps they forgot to contact my parents and they are sending me home with a note. That’s it karma is smiling at me again.’

The secretary motions me to go right in. Mrs. Murray is talking to someone as she sits at her desk. My stomach suddenly knots up as I hear a familiar voice.

“Thank you for adjusting your schedule so you could see me today instead of next week Mrs. Murray.”

‘Shit, shit, shit it is my mother’s voice.’

“You should be proud of your daughter Mrs. Lafleur, she is a lovely, bright girl.”

This is where the ticks started I am sure of it. My mother turns to face me as I stand there in my sharply pressed skirt breasts enhancing starched oxford, and blue blazer. Her expression is beyond shock but there is no hint of panic. Did I tell you, she is a litigator used to surprises and hostile judges?

“Sit down dear,” my mother says. She pats the chair next to her. Mrs. Murray beams.

“You must be proud of Jeanette. She has scored all A’s for first term.”

Still no sign from mother as she answers.

“My husband and I could never be more proud. Jeanette is a fine young woman and an asset to our family.

That must have hurt mother forming the syllables to pronounce Jeanette.

Mrs. Murray turns toward me with a sickening smile.

“We have face to face meeting with each student’s parents at term end. We like to schedule at the beginning of the Christmas break and the last week of the second term. As it was convenient for your mother we thought, we could do this today. As you were in Study Hall, you can participate without missing class.”

Mrs. Murray was not quite finished as she broadened her smile.

“Your daughter has a beautiful name. Many take liberties as you have heard and call her Jeanette. You used it yourself so I assume you approve?”

Mother smiles sarcastically between ticks excusing them.

“I must have something in my eye. But you are correct Jean-Marie just loves the name Jeanette. Though, it is not her given name we have adopted it. She is such a lovely girl.”

I nodded a thank you thinking ‘I am so dead. Mom do you like how good I look in my uniform?’ I also took note mom’s use of she sounded more like a hiss.

Mrs. Murray continued.

“As a reward Jeanette you are excused from school the remainder of the day. Your mother has a treat for you.”

‘I am sure she does. Mom do you like the fit of my uniform? Do you like how the gray wool compliments my complexion?’ I imagined my mother grabbing my ear while dragging me across the parking lot screaming, “look at the fruit.” It did not happen. Mom is really holding it together but I sense cracks.

“You look pretty Jeanette.”

My mother’s simple statement wreaked of acid. Especially as she enunciated my name, Jeanette. I nodded as I swung my legs into the car. She caught that too and could not resist commenting.

“How long did it take you to perfect that move? You have it perfected.”

I stared forward through the windshield afraid to glance in her direction.

“I could handle it if you were doing pot. But this! Dressing like a fruit and going out with another gay guy. It is too much.”

The car shook as she applied an iron grip on the wheel. I kept my mouth shut.

“Emily Cox drives you to school everyday dressed like this. Traci and you must think we are fools. Do you know how embarrassed we are? Our son dresses up like a girl. Goes to school pretending to be a girl. My law partners will go crazy. I will never be able to face them again.”

She went on an on until we entered the driveway. I opened the car door set to run. But out of the blue my father blocked my escape. ‘Shit’

In the living room I noticed an empty can of Molson. Dad only drinks beer when Montreal is playing on TV. Here in Texas that does not happen often. This is bad he opened another as he started talking.

“We can safely say your friend David is not gay. He may be a dupe but he is not gay.”

He gives me the once over taking another sip of beer.

“You are a looker I cannot blame the guy.”

Dad takes another sip and begins laughing.

Mom looks horrified she is about to erupt. Fortunately the ticks startup and no words come out. I take off my blazer revealing my prominent chest.

“Before you go on, consider this.”

I point at my chest but before I can continue, mom starts in again about being embarrassed. Then I fire back.

“Embarrassed, because I go to school dressed like a girl. Mom take a look I am a girl. You two are the only ones who don’t know it.”

Dad’s laughter grows louder until mom stares at him coldly. That’s when he yells.

“You are grounded, forever.”

Mom starts in about home schooling when I interrupt her.

“This is December. I am on my third period. Please tell me how either of you can look at me and say I am a boy.’

There was no acknowledgement from mom when I said three periods. What, she did not hear that? Or is it a case she did not want to?

The tirade went on for some time without me saying a word. I was too busy crying while my father kept calling me a girl. Mom is now sitting her ticks growing larger. Her mouth is still moving but dad is the only one with a voice. He opens another Molson, his third I found out later.

‘How is this my fault? They are the adults who flunked biology. I know wise ass remarks are not going to help. But truthfully wise ass remarks are all that come to mind. I do the only thing a hormonal teen girl can do. I run as fast as I can to my room. Slam the door and lock it.

“You are grounded until age eighteen.”

Those were the last words I hear from dad while mother threatened home schooling again.

So dear reader my tale of woe has reached the present time. I told you, how I came to this place. Like you, I have no idea what is going to happen next. Like you, I have no idea how I got into this mess. Was it those aliens and their computer games that changed me?

Craig and Evan are sure of it. There is no way I will bring that up. I do not need Homeland Security paying me a visit.

Then again Dr. Cox believes I was born a girl and never had a monster in the first place. Was I born both and the little guy shrunk away because of the meds? I, don’t know and I, don’t care. I like who I am and how I look.

The calls from downstairs go unanswered. I am not going to be berated anymore I need help. With dread, I punch out the digits on my cell.

“Doctor Cox.”

“Yes honey.”

“Can you come over I really need some help?”

There is a short pause before she answers.

“Let me guess your parents discovered Jeanette. Traci told me about the surprise meeting at school. They really thought you were a boy?”

With a catch in my voice I nod yes before thinking ‘speak fool.’

“Yes, it worse than that. They think I am a gay boy.”

I then lost it and started crying. Emily Cox steadied my nerves with her gentle voice.

“I suspected that for some time but did not say anything to them because I thought it was my imagination. I did not think anyone could see the beautiful girl I see and think she could be a boy. Honey things have been coming together and I was certain at the cookout. Everything will work out. Fix your hair and pretty yourself up. Stay in your room. I will be right over.”

So here I sit freaking out at my vanity. Thanks to Traci, I learned how to apply makeup. I did not tell you that because it was an unimportant thing. I did my lashes and thought better about lipstick. I do not want to freak them out too much. ‘What to wear? Not the school uniform that is not right. ‘Oh shit mom must have found the tampons. My drawer is open and they are in plain sight.’

I fish out my chocolate wrap around skirt. After snuggling it around my waist over a half slip, I put on my cream colored camisole. How many choices do I have? I bet mom will freak more than she has when she finds out how many clothes I need. That is if I live through this. As I rummage through my vanity drawer looking for those clip on earrings I thought I heard Dr. Cox’s voice. I put my ear against the door.

“Simone, Claude calm down. Jean-Marie never lied to you. I did not know until she called that you thought she was boy. Everybody in the neighborhood thinks she is a girl. I have always known she is a girl.”

I could hear my parents shouting their denial insisting I was boy. But Emily Cox remained calm.

“Here are the prints from the MRI we did last week. You can see Jeanette was not lying to you. Didn’t you listen when I told you expect spotting that her time was near? Your son never pretended to be a girl. Jean-Marie was afraid to hurt you, by telling you, he is a girl. You have a wonderful daughter I am proud of. You should be as well.”

All I could hear after that was crying. I, don’t know who was crying. I also thought I heard another Molson can pop open. That cannot be good. I am not sure how I will like home schooling and not being allowed to see Traci, Pam or Becky again. I doubt mom will be easy to get along with after I axed her career.

Just when I started liking school and had some solid friends things get screwed up. Then I heard it, the voice of my father.

“Jeanette would you please come downstairs. Doctor Cox would like to speak with you. Your parents would like to meet their daughter.”

I looked in the mirror startled at what I heard. I unlocked the door almost afraid to step out into the hall. The long descent down those stairs seemed like an eternity. I saw Dr. Cox standing there and rushed to her. She wrapped her arms around me as my parents stood awe struck.

Dad put down his Molson gaping. Here I stood feeling pretty as Dad continued to gape.

“How could I ever mistake you for a boy?”

There was a tear in his eye. Mother’s tick finally settled down as she smiled.

“Emily confirms you had your first period in September. You managed it ok?”

I giggled nodding.

“With Traci’s help.”

Doctor Cox raised her brow.

“That is where my box of tampons went.”

We all laughed at that. When I suddenly grew braver.

“Mom Dave is not queer. He has a crush on me.”

I then opened my mouth.

“Now that you know you have a daughter will you change my name? No hyphen, first name Jeanette.”

I turned to Doctor Cox.

“Middle name, Emily.”

Needless to say home schooling did not happen as I continued attending Exeter. Mom found out how much money a teenage girl cost on our first shopping trip. I still do the laundry and cook. Dad still has a distaste in his mouth for Dave. I heard him mumbling about Dave the other night. We had gone to a dance and when he brought me home his arms were wrapped around my waist. The kiss was amazing and I wanted more. The front door opened with dad saying “good night Dave.”

As I went up the stairs I heard father speaking to mother.

“I liked that boy better when I thought he was gay. I am still not used to Evan showing up all the time with that lost expression.”

Mom replied,

“Get used to it dear. There are many more where they came from. She is going to a dance with Evan next week.”

I, don’t know what will happen next anymore than how I ended up this way. Evan, who wants to go steady me claims I am supposed to. He keeps saying the game got it wrong. Saris loved Troy not Raul. He tried to tell me Troy is always the hero in games. Whoever heard of a hero named Raul? According to wiki the game was an intergalactic plot. Evan is certain that’s what did it.

I asked Emily Cox if taking those hormones could have changed me. She is a doctor. She told me taking those hormones could have caused breasts to grow. Hormones will not alter genes. They cannot turn a y to an x or the other way around.

“Honey you were born a girl.”

Her answer is certainly easier to accept. I have the nagging suspicion the movies are right, you can’t trust aliens. So dear reader you are going to have to go with the answer you like. Because I, don’t have a clue.