A conversation is overheard about Dirtiness and mouths...

“There is no way I’m putting my mouth there! That is your dirty place”

“I don’t have a hygiene problem. Sometimes you are such a child. Your mother messed you up for all other women!”

“Don’t bring my mother into this!”

“She’s always here, whether you want to acknowledge everything she’s done to you or not! Now get down there and make sure you use a lot of tongue.”

“Tongue? Eww! No way! That’s just gross.”

“If you can’t worship at my altar of the goddess with your mouth, then there’s no way I’m letting any other part of you in there. I don’t know why I ever broke up with Michelle for you. She was amazing!”

“That’s not fair! Why do you always have to bring up your lesbian ex-girlfriend! There’s no way I can compete with that! She’s had one of those all her life, so of course she’s more comfortable doing… things.”

“Now you can’t even say vagina! I swear, you are so emotionally stunted. Actually, you’re not quite right. Before she met me, she wasn’t a lesbian.”

“What do you mean?”

“Michelle didn’t always have a vagina of her own to play with. She used to be a guy named Mike. But he was a total prick, so I turned him into the sweet little muff-diver she is now.”

“What? That’s impossible! I’ve seen her and there’s no way that used to be a guy! She’d have to be a real woman to have been that frantic the time she made me drive her around town looking for a place that would sell the Morning After Pill.”

“That was when I was in Fresno at that horrible convention. I remember when she called me and said she’d gotten drunk and woke up in bed with some guy the next day, and made him drive her to the pharmacy — that was you! You fucked my girlfriend while I was out of town? You little shit! And you still won’t go down on me? I knew you were immature, but I didn’t know you were a lying weasel.”

“You’ve got to let me explain. She was feeling awful about something and came over to talk to you about it, but you were out of town, so I offered to be an ear for her, and she’d brought a huge bottle of wine, and we went through it, and it turned out her problem was that she’d started feeling herself attracted to guys and it was freaking her out. And I kissed her, you know, just to show her that men weren’t so bad, and one thing led to another and before I realized it we were full-on making out. But we were really drunk so we collapsed and fell asleep, but I really don’t think we had sex. My doodle doesn’t have a lot of strength when I’ve been drinking.”

“That’s it! You can’t even apologize like an adult. You don’t deserve to be a grownup. Do you have any last words to say in your defense before I execute your sentence?”

“I don’t understand what you mean! I love you! Please don’t do something you might regret!”

“I’ve been putting up with your hang-ups and shortcomings for too long! I just hope you grow up more maturely the next time around.”

“Oh! What’s happening to me? Ow, it hurts! It hurts!”

“It’s okay now, Sweetie! Now go brush your teeth and hurry along to your own bed. I’ll be by in a minute to tuck you in.”

“Alright, Mommy! Night-night! I love you!”

“I love you too, Sally.” (even after everything)