A more challenging interview
with my grandmother

A Fortuitous Adventure:
or, how I got my first job

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 24

Facing up to adversity

Clare and Anne both chose to wear trousers and simple crop tops for our drive over to see Gran on Sunday, but I chose a summer blouse and a skirt and some co-ordinating jewellery. Maybe I was a little old fashioned or overdressed for a trip out with my cousins, but it was my only means of emphasizing who I was, or at least who I wanted to be, to those I came into contact with and also to myself. No doubt in the weeks to come I would wear trousers more often for comfort, or else take less time over my hair and makeup for the sake of convenience, but for the time being I was keen to assert my femininity whenever I could, especially on those occasions when I might have difficult interviews. Gran had been quite positive about Emily the last time we met and when we had spoken on the phone, but what I was planning would take matters a stage further, from which there would ultimately be no return.

Although there was plenty of traffic on the roads, which slowed us down, the cross-country journey to Sheffield turned out to be good fun. Anne had borrowed her mother’s car and drove Clare and me. We gossiped more or less continuously throughout the almost three-hour journey, and so the time passed comparatively quickly. The absence of our respective boyfriends gave us plenty to talk and laugh about on a subject other than my transition, which was a relief to me, as I was beginning to get bored with answering the same questions. There seemed to be so many more interesting things to talk about as a young woman: our feelings and emotions; our relationships; how we looked, and what we liked to wear. These were all subjects that men would instinctively avoid and rather talk about mind-numbing topics such as politics, football or cars. Clare and Anne had treated me as a girl since the day after my arrival in Shrewsbury, but now having an acknowledged boyfriend things were somehow different; I now felt more of an equal and able to contribute to their conversation. Of course there were some topics that I could never share with them — menstrual flows or the inconveniences of PMT, but in a funny sort of way I felt privileged that my cousins chose to discuss these subjects in my company without them feeling any awkwardness. It was as if I were being drawn further into the sisterhood.

---

We arrived in Sheffield just in time for lunch. Gran was looking a lot better than she did when I’d last seen her three weeks before; much more like her old self. She had also regained something of her former character, which at times could include an ironic sense of humour.

‘You are looking very pretty today, Emily,’ she greeted me smiling.

‘Thanks, Gran,’ I replied giving her a kiss.

‘Perhaps you could give a few fashion hints to your cousins,’ she added in a voice just loud enough for me to hear. I blushed as she proceeded to greet my companions.

Inevitably, the state of her health and her prospects for a complete recovery were our first topic of conversation. She proudly demonstrated that she was beginning to regain some of the movement that she had lost as a result of her stroke, although she was still reliant on a walking stick and would be for some time to come. The main thing was that she had regained a degree of her independence around the home and could look after herself, although would continue to need help with such things as shopping. She had even cooked a simple lunch for us all.

Clare and I served the meal and then we all sat down to discuss Karen’s good news and the fact that she was in process of moving to Telford that weekend. Gran asked how Anne and Clare were getting on and whether Aunt Carol had recovered from her enforced time away in July. We also spoke briefly about the work that Clare and I were doing, and then Mum’s business venture and our plans to relocate to Shrewsbury when she returned to the UK. Surprisingly, the one topic that was not raised was my recent hospital appointment, although I could not believe that she was unaware of what had taken place. The lines of communication in our family were perpetually buzzing. Eventually, after the meal was over Gran turned to my cousins.

‘Anne, would you and Clare do me a favour and go to the supermarket to get some shopping please? It’ll be more convenient as you have your mother’s car. I don’t like to keep asking the neighbours for their help.’

My two cousins readily agreed and were presented with a longish shopping list together with my grandmother’s purse.

‘I’ll come as well,’ I said.

‘No Emily, I would like you would stay and help me to clear up, there are also one or two things I want to talk to you about,’ she said.

That sounded ominous; but I couldn’t very well refuse. I therefore began clearing the dishes from the table whilst my cousins went out. As soon as they had left I began to wash up and she sat at the kitchen table drying them. After a little while she spoke.

‘I’ve been hearing about your plans to become Emily full-time from your mother and your aunt, and I must say that I am rather worried by what I’ve heard.

‘But I thought you’d be on my side, Gran, until now you’ve been quite positive about my living as Emily,’ I replied.

Gran sighed.

‘Emily, I’m on your side, and I want you to be happy in your life, but don’t you think you’re rather young to be making changes to your body, that you won’t be able to reverse?

‘If I don’t start making those changes soon, then my body will start to make its own changes which I will not be able to reverse,’ I answered.

‘Couldn’t you wait until you are a little older before deciding how to spend the remainder of your life?’’

It was a fair point, particularly now that I was taking the testosterone blockers, but it had taken a lot of determination to reach this point and I was clear in my own mind about what I wanted to do. I decided not to mention the tablets.

‘No Gran, I’m afraid not. I need to start my transition as soon as possible if I am going to be able to pass successfully as a woman in the future. If I leave it too long, I will start to look like a man in a dress, and then will never be able to be acknowledged as a woman.’

‘But you already look like an attractive young woman, without taking any hormones.’

I looked away feeling pleased but a little embarrassed by her comment.

‘Maybe but that won’t always be the case. In any event I don’t feel like a woman, with all this padding.’

‘I find that difficult to believe just by looking at you now, you look so lovely these days,’ she replied.

I didn’t answer, not knowing what to say. After a moment’s silence Gran returned to the offensive

‘But suppose you were to change your mind after a year or so?’

Why do people always assume that I’m going to change my mind? I asked myself.

‘Believe me Gran, this is not a game or a whim. I won’t change my mind,’ I said now looking straight in her eyes. ‘I may only have decided over the last couple of weeks, but I have never been so certain of anything in my life. This is who I want to be. In any event, my therapist will not let me proceed with taking female hormones unless she is convinced that I know what I’m doing and that it’s the right thing for me.’

‘But you may want to get married one day,’

‘Once I have lived as a woman for two years it will be possible for me to change my gender officially and then get married, if I find the right man.’

She winced slightly as I said this; I am not sure this was what she’d had in mind.

‘But what about children?’

‘I don’t think medical science has advanced that far,‘ I replied, deliberately misunderstanding her.

She sighed.

‘I meant the prospect of you fathering children.’

That prospect doesn’t seem very likely or particularly desirable to me at the moment. How could I be a father figure to children when I look, act and feel the way I do?’ However, this will be one of the things my therapist will want to discuss with me before we proceed.’

She sighed again. I finished the washing up, and then began to put the dishes away in the cupboard. In the meanwhile she made us both a cup of tea and we went to continue our conversation in the living room.

---

Clare and Anne were gone for nearly an hour and a half; throughout that time Gran kept up a barrage of questions and potential objections to my plan. She did not do so in a nasty or aggressive way, more in the nature of asking whether I had thought about the implications and potential difficulties of what I was planning. What was going to happen about my schooling? Where would I live whilst I was undergoing the transition? Would there be any side effects to taking hormones? How would I react when people reacted negatively to me as a transsexual? What job would I do? Where would it all end?’ I didn’t think she was ready to discuss the possibility of an operation, and it was some years away, so I just said that I didn’t know. She even tried a little bit of emotional blackmail: how did I feel about depriving my mother of grandchildren?’ I tried my best to answer her questions with calmness and resolution, demonstrating that I had already considered many of these issues. I also stressed that it was my life, and that I knew my mind. I tried to explain that any attempt to try and live as a man once more would be quite intolerable. I did not mention the word ‘suicide’ as I did not wish to appear melodramatic but I tried to convey the impression that I could not now bear to go back to living as Chris. I had the impression that if I could just get through this interview without losing my temper or dissolving into tears, I would be able to cope with anything my therapist, my mother, aunt, or the world could throw at me in the future.

After a while our conversation seemed to be going round in circles. She had asked all the questions that she had and I had answered them as fully and honestly as I could, without giving way.

‘Gran, I know that what I am doing must seem incomprehensible to you, but you must trust me that I know what is right for me‘.

She sighed and visibly relaxed and smiled at me. She took my hand and squeezed it.

‘Alright Emily, I am now convinced that you have thought about what you are doing, and that it is probably right for you. I’ll never again question you motives or the wisdom of your choice. I must now endeavour to forget that I ever had a grandson and welcome Emily as a permanent feature of the family.’

I was relieved that her opposition was now over and for the first time that day I lost control, and began to cry.

‘Oh Gran, I am sorry if I am going to disappoint you.’

‘Emily please don’t ever think of yourself as a disappointment to me, or to anyone else. I love having granddaughters and will now have one more. I am sorry if I have cross-examined you, but I wanted to be sure that you were doing the right thing for your sake.’

‘I realise that you only want what is best for me, but you must understand that Chris was truly unhappy as a boy’ I replied giving her a hug.

‘Alright, I may not fully understand, but I will always be proud to have you as my granddaughter.’

‘I believe that Mum and Aunt Carol both understand why I must become a woman,’

‘Maybe I will as well one day, and there are also your three cousins. It looks as if you will have plenty of allies, but I suspect you may come across plenty of difficulties as well in the coming months.’

I know that,’ I replied.

Gran smiled.

‘I was going to say that I hope to live long enough to see you become a beautiful young woman, but just looking at you I now realise that you’ve already achieved that.’

---

I just had time to dry my eyes, wash my face and repair my makeup before Anne and Clare returned with the shopping. In the meanwhile Gran had laid the table for a simple tea before we left. No further reference was made to our conversation and over tea I spoke about my impending exam results and the course I hoped to do at college.

---

‘Did she give you much of a grilling whilst we were gone?’ asked Anne as we were driving home.

‘Yes.’

‘We guessed as much, that’s why we took our time with the shopping, to give her plenty of time to give you a thorough going over,’ said Clare joking.

‘Thanks a lot!’ I responded.

‘What was the outcome?’ asked Anne.

‘It took a bit of time to win her over, but I do believe that she now completely accepts that she has a fourth granddaughter and no longer has a grandson. She has promised not to raise the matter again.’

‘So what’s next on your agenda?’ asked Clare.

I shrugged my shoulders.

‘Wait for my exam results and hopefully begin my new life in September.’

‘I get the impression that your new life began when you arrived in Shrewsbury,’ commented Anne.

‘Yes, and I couldn’t have wished for a better one,’ I thought to myself.

---

I sat in the back of the car on the way home and on this occasion did not take as much part in the conversation between Anne and her sister. I preferred to sit back and go through my own thoughts on the last week’s events. I wasn’t sure only about the wisdom of what I was doing, but also confident that I could stand up to any cross-examination that may be directed at me. We got home about eight o’clock

Mum telephoned me during the course of the evening.

‘I’ve had a long discussion with your Gran. She thinks that I should be with you whilst you get yourself established in Shrewsbury and start a college course. I believe she’s right and I have therefore decided to cut short my business trip and return to the UK next Friday.’

‘You don’t need to do that, I am doing fine here Mum,’ I said, although the prospect of her early return was quite attractive to me.

‘I think it is time for me to come home, as there are important things are happening in your life and I want to be with you at this time. In any event I’ve more than enough business for the next year and so I have cancelled my last fortnight away. Carol has offered to let me stay in Karen’s room for a fortnight whilst we get things sorted out for you. I’ll then go back to Eastbourne as originally planned and put the house on the market. I hope to arrive at Birmingham airport at 2.30 on Friday. She has promised to come and meet me off the plane.

‘I’ll come as well, if I can get the time off work.

‘That would be nice, if you can arrange it.’

‘I think it should be ok if I offer to work at some time over the weekend. By the way, Friday’s the day my exam results are due to be published.’

‘Good, that will give us a day or two to decide what you are going to do, and then the following week to make the necessary arrangements,’ she said.