Victor and the Witch

by Jenna Hitch and shalimar

Victor tries to rape a woman. She happens to be a witch. OH! OH!

WARNING: Contains a severe rape, attempted rape, rape's aftermath, and talk of rape; domestic and other violence; frank talk of abortion, AIDS, poverty vs wealth, strong language, and theft; has Biblical references and religious overtones. May cause strong emotions, flashbacks or both.

Consider this a TRIGGER WARNING!

"Hey, Victor," Bob asked, "Buy you a beer?"

Bob was always brownnosing me, and I used him in some of my robberies. He was big. His 6'4", 230-pound frame was all muscle. It helped to have all that muscle along with me. He was a good man to threaten the owners and customers of the stores we hit.

"Sure, why not?" I replied.

Meanwhile, I sat in the bar and looked at her as I drank my beer. She was hot in her slinky black dress with the slit down the side. Black fishnet stockings came from under the hem of her skirt that ended about two inches above her knees. Her 3" opened toed black pumps showed her big toe painted fire engine red as expertly as her fingers. Her golden jewelry shimmered. Her rising and falling breasts begged me to grab them. Her slim 5'5" frame made her perfect for me. I had to have that bitch. Besides she was asking for me to take her by the way she looked, so when she left the bar I followed her. I caught up to the bitch just before the alley next to the bar. Then I grabbed her as I pulled out my knife.

"Do as I say and you won't get hurt," I told the bitch as I put my knife's blade on her throat.

I cut her slightly in the neck to prove I was serious. After I licked the blood I pulled her into the alley, but I saw no fear in her eyes. She seemed calm, as if she was in control. I fondled her right breast. I was getting excited, so moved my dick next to her ass. Suddenly I was flipping in the air as if I was a judo victim, and I fell perfectly on my behind. I heard something crack, but it wasn't in me. It was under my left foot. I looked down and saw that the heel had broken off of my pumps.

‘That's not right. Damn cheep shoes. I wish I could afford better. Wait a minute! I take what I want,' I thought.

I also noticed I had a run in my pantyhose under my skirt.

'Skirt? Pantyhose?'

I was dazed and my ass felt sore. .

"Are you all right?" asked the woman I had just tried to rape.

She seemed concerned. Her cut was gone. There was no blood.

"I seem to have broken my shoe," I told her as I looked up at her.

"There is a coffee shop across the street," she told me. "Maybe I can help you."

"Thanks," I said. "But I can't afford coffee."

"My treat," she responded as she helped me get up.

"You are kind," I said. "Thank you."

I took off my shoes so I could walk to the coffee shop. When I stood, I noticed she was about three inches taller than me. I picked up my shoes and we walked across to the coffee shop. We sat in a booth. Eventually the waitress came over and took our order.

"Do you want anything else?" my former victim asked.

"I can't," I replied. "I really can't afford even this."

"I meant it when I said it is my treat," she said concerned for me. "Please, have something."

"Well," I said, thinking. "Maybe a tuna salad sandwich."

"By the way, I'm Helena," she said as she looked at the pieces of my broken shoe. "What's your name?"

"Victor," I said.

"What was that?" she asked with an amused smile.

"Vicky," I repeated. "It's short for Victoria."

"That's a pretty name," she replied as she handed me my shoe back.

'Pretty name?' I thought. 'Yeah, it is.'

She handed me the shoe with the heel fixed, but I didn't see her do anything.

"What are you doing in a neighborhood like this?" she asked.

"I live nearby, about a block away," I told her. "I can't afford anything more. I'm only a cashier at a local supermarket. My boss knows I am a good worker and would pay me more, but he gets robbed every few weeks. As a result, they are having trouble keeping the place open. And, you, why are you here?"

"I visited my friend’s kid this afternoon, he is staying in this neighborhood because it is close to the college. He told me about a job."

"Are you going to take the job?"

"I'm freelance and I started it already."

"What kind of work do you do?" I asked.

"I'm a witch."

The food came. I was ravenous. I have had to skip a meal at times to last the two weeks between paychecks and I didn't get paid for two more days. We talked a little more as I was fishing a few of the larger chunks of tuna out to feed my cat, Calico, later this evening.

Finally Helena told me the bad news, "In fact, Vicky, you are the job. As Victor, you nearly raped me. If I wasn't a witch, I believe you would have succeeded. I know that you have succeeded too many times before. The only way to stop you is for you is for you to experience that assault as the victim."

Helena waited for this to sink in before she continued. I now began to understand what was happening.

"As the victim?" I asked.

"Yes. In fact, one month from now, when you are the most fertile, you will be raped just as brutally and just as viciously as you almost raped me."

I was in shock. Why would anyone do such a mean thing to anyone else? But, she was right. I had done this to others. Actually, as Victor, I was wanted by the police for five separate rapes, and there were more they hadn't connected to me yet or the victims didn't file a complaint.

"You will get pregnant because of this. As a single, pregnant woman, you will have three choices. You may choose to abort this unwanted pregnancy. You may decide to give the newborn baby away. Or you may decide to keep the child. Only if you give the child away will you be able to return to being a man. During most of the time that you are this way, at least until you have made your decision and maybe afterward, you will act and think like the young woman you are now. There will be times that you will remember yourself as Victor. For example, when you are being raped, you will remember who you were and what it is like on the other side."

"Is there any way I can prevent the rape?" I asked, hopefully, my voice somewhat shaky.

"I'm sorry, Vicky," she apologized as some more food came. "But when you tried to rape me you started the chain of events that will cause your rape to happen."

I ate the new order. When did we order the second serving of food? I hadn't eaten that much in years, as I usually had to conserve to last the week. What am I talking about? I take my food from others or steal to pay for it.

"You are a sweet girl," Helena told me. "You are as sweet and as good as Vicky as you were mean and vicious as Victor. I hope that you learn from this experience. If you do become a man again it is my hope that you will be a better person."

"I am this way so I can learn?" I asked.

"No, this is a punishment, but this punishment comes with an opportunity. I can't guarantee your education, only you can. I think it is time for you to go home. You have to go to work in the morning."

"Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Ling need me at their grocery store."

I thought for a moment. I used to rob that grocery store often, as it was good quick money.

I thanked Helena for the food, before walked home. I walked that block to my apartment more scared than I had ever been in my whole life. It seemed that in the dark every shadow was dangerous. Even the two men walking past me and minding their own business frightened me. Finally I arrived in front of my apartment building. I unlocked the front door and walked through the dimly lit hallway and up the one flight of stairs to my apartment. After I opened the dead bolt and lock to my studio apartment I closed the door and locked the bolt, then leaned against that door, relieved that I finally felt safe. I realized that the other tenants were scared of me as Victor. This building was the castle of my kingdom that I had terrorized. I looked around at my apartment. There were plants in every corner of the room. There was a coleus here, a dieffenbachia there and a maranta in the corner. There was a small Sonora sitting on the windowsill that will enjoy the late winter sun sometime tomorrow morning. The plants were in every type of container you can imagine from tin cans to paint cans and milk jugs to old pails. Each one I had decorated to make it look more attractive, but because I couldn't afford them, there were very few in clay pots.

From behind my large bromeliad, one of the few in a real pot, Calico stepped out and greeted me with a friendly "meow", before she rubbed herself around my leg. I picked up Cali and petted her. She purred which always made me feel happy.

"And what have you been up to today?" I asked my furry little friend.

Cali just buried her head in my hair and started to purr.

"Tell me about it," I said to Cali. "You think you had a tough day? I'm still not sure what to make of mine. To say it was strange would be an understatement."

I walked to the kitchen table and put Cali down. I remembered killing a cat, actually a kitten, which looked like Cali because it was a witness to a murder I was hired to do.

‘What am I thinking? I could never hurt anyone or anything. That must be Victor remembering.’

"I've got something special for you, Cali. It's your favorite."

I pulled out a napkin and put the few pieces of tuna I had picked out of her sandwich and gave them to my best friend. I enjoyed sharing the good fortune of my meal with Cali. Then I went around my apartment watering my plants, followed by Cali. I was humming to myself. I stopped in the middle of the watering and thought. As Victor, I never had plants in my apartment before, yet now I'm happy taking care of them.

'This is weird,' I thought.

I continued to water the plants and start to hum again.

When I finished, I thought, 'So that's what the witch meant when she said I would remember being Victor.'

Exhausted from the day, I brushed my teeth and then washed my face. I had no makeup on because I couldn't afford even that little luxury.

'I'm pretty without it,' I said to myself as I looked in the mirror and sighed.

I took off my clothes and put on my torn nightgown. I had two, one for the summer and one for the winter. I pulled the covers over me after I lay in bed. I felt Cali jump on the bed with me and snuggle. I love her purring.

The next thing I knew it the alarm announced it was morning. I dressed in a white blouse that had a stain on it, a pair of jeans that were no longer tight on me, and a pair of flats. Even with those old, worn out clothes and no makeup didn't hide my sexy looks. In fact, I would probably have made a burlap bag look sexy. I walked the fifteen blocks to work. I was worried about being raped earlier than the month that I was told I had which made me fearful of every shadow and every alleyway. And it was worse that the men were staring at me.

‘They were staring at my breasts! This is horrible! I'm just an object to them! I can't stand this!”

I saw a carload of teenage boys following me for a few blocks. They were making catcalls. I would have considered them too young anyway; especially considering the way they were trying to pick me up was so childish. On the way to work there was a one-way street that was going in the wrong direction for them to follow in the car so I headed down it. The detour cost me about five minutes. It made me late, again.

"The boys in the hood bothering you again?" Mr. Ling asked.

"Yes," I said. "Some kids in a old red Chevy. I don't want them to see where I work, even if it would make more money for you."

"It could mean a raise for you, but I understand. If I looked as pretty as you, I wouldn't want the guys bothering me either. But I couldn't be that. I'm pretty ugly."

"No you're not Mr. Ling. Besides you have great qualities. You're kind and gentle. Someday I hope to find someone like you because Mrs. Ling is a lucky woman."

He smiled.

As usual, I put in a long day. Working overtime sometimes made ends meet even though it exhausted me. About two in the afternoon I took a short break to eat a few crackers.

"Take some of the deli meat," Mr. Ling said. "And a real lunch hour. You don't have to punch out."

"I can't," I told him.

"You are allowed, and I insist. Crackers are not enough. Take some fruit, a can of tuna. Something. I have all this," he said as he swept his arm showing me his store. "Let me share. It is on me."

"I can't do that to you, Mr. Ling."

Mr. Ling went to the deli case and retrieved a small package of turkey. He handed it to me and told me to go in the back and sit down. About three minutes later he came back with a hard roll and a small bunch of grapes.

"I better not see any of this left over," he insisted. "Mai and I can handle the store for an hour."

"But," I objected.

"We need a healthy employee. Don't argue."

I smiled. I knew that his motivation was more than his excuse of having a healthy employee, so I obliged him.

"And if you want more, just take it," he continued as he walked out the door. "You are the only one of my employees that scrimps. I cannot let that happen any more."

After lunch the kids from the local schools came in and bought all the junk food that they always ate. The bags of potato chips, bottles of soda, and candy were flying out the door. Some of the boys smiled at me. I believed that they were wishing they had a way to ask me out, but were too unsure how to do that. Some of those boys were bolder, however, their method was crude. On the outside I ignored them as I packed their purchase. Inside, they made me feel pretty. Eventually, most of these boys will learn how to talk to a girl and then treat her right. As Victor, I had never learned that. It was part of the reason I raped the women.

About four in the afternoon the adult crowd started wandering into the store to buy their needs for the day or week. The women were friendly. In fact, some of the regulars talked to me about their day. This included talking about their husbands and children. It was a different experience than I ever had as Victor and I liked their friendship. The men were also friendly in a different way. Some hit on me. I was amazed at how many of them hitting on me had wedding rings, or at least, evidence of having them.

During my entire workday I was cheerful. I admit that the work was tiring, but I actually was happy to do that work. Actually working for my needs made me feel better about myself than taking what I wanted. I needed to think about that when I get back to being Victor. Or will I?

This was one of my better days because today was payday. I got paid every two weeks. As this was a long month it was one of those I received three paychecks. I had to set most of this check aside for emergencies and that long month with the short pay. I had a suspicion that I would need the money soon for special needs.

'Shit, I will be raped in a few days,' I thought. 'I would need medicine to heal my wounds. I will need extra food to feed the child that will grow inside me. I won't be able to fast or skip a meal because it might hurt the baby. I can't let that happen.

‘What am I saying? I ain't pregnant. I can't be pregnant. I'm a man. No, I'm not. I'm Vicky.'

As usual, Mr. Ling cashed my check at the end of the day. I was careful of the amount of items I bought to fill my needs for the week. Most of my money had to be for my reserve fund. I had to be sure it would last me during a lean month and keep my baby healthy. When I finished with my purchases I hid the money in my shoes.

'I'll remember to check the shoes for hidden cash when I'm Victor again. Why would I want to be a guy like that?'

The walk home was a far scarier walk then this morning because it was now dark. Even the slightest sound made me jump and the ghetto at night was full of sounds. When I finally entered my apartment building I breathed a sigh of relief. I was much safer inside. Then I saw Mrs. Brown in the hall, and I knew I was safe.

"What's the matter child?" asked Mrs. Brown. "You look like you had seen a ghost."

Mrs. Brown had always treated me like one of her own children.

'Wait a minute! I used to terrorize the old bitch like I did everyone else in this tenement. No, Victor had terrorized my friend. Weird. These flashes of Victor's memories, which come to me and leave just as quickly, scare me to the core.'

"I was just scared. Today was payday and I hate to walk home with groceries and money with all the little thugs in the neighborhood. The big ones are worse."

"It is difficult to raise a child in this area and keep the kid a good person. There are always too many temptations here. I was lucky. I raised three good children."

"Where are they Mrs. Brown?"

"In much better neighborhoods. They got college educations and didn't want to stay here. I don't blame them."

"Why aren't you living with one of them? Surely, if they are that good they would want to take care of their mother."

"They do. It sometimes causes arguments with them, but I need my independence. Does that make sense, Vicky?"

"Yeah, I know. That's part of why I don't live with my folks."

I smiled as I thought about my mother. I loved my mother and would have stayed with her, but my father was one of the cruelest people I have ever known. He has beaten mom, my sister, and me several times. I had to get out. Rosa and I tried to have mom join one of us, but she would never leave my father, even though the price for her staying is getting beaten up.

‘I hope she doesn't end up dead from him one day. I'm very afraid of that. Why would I care? Dad taught me everything I know. No, my father taught Victor how to steal, how to fight, how to use a knife, how to use a gun, and assisted with Victor's first rape. Victor was mean, but my father would be meaner if he wasn't too old.’

When I unlocked the door to my apartment I put down my bags and saw Cali spring to greet me.

"Hello precious," I said as I picked up Cali and hugged her. "Mommy got you something special today."

I looked into one of the bags I brought from Ling's Grocery. Not finding what I wanted there I looked into the other one and found it, a small fluffy ball and some catnip. I put a pinch of the catnip inside and tossed the ball lightly towards my furry friend. Instantly Cali smelled the catnip and began patting the ball around the room. The little bell inside the ball was a constant reminder to me of how much fun Cali was having. It brought a smile to my face.

I listened to that bell as I started to check the mail. There was the usual junk mail. That mail went directly into the garbage. What surprised me was one thick envelope. Curious, I opened it. Cali was curious too, and made it difficult to read what was inside as she sniffed and lay on the paper. There was a short hand written note and a stack of insurance forms.

The note was from Helena:

"Dear Vicki,

I know you have a lot on your mind with your adjustment and your fate. There is one thing I wanted to help you with so you have one less thing to worry about. If it were only for you I wouldn't do this. I am doing this for the little one coming, so it need not suffer because of the position I put you in. This is a health insurance policy that has been in force for the last year. It also has maternity coverage, which you will soon need. In case you are wondering how I could have known, I think you are well aware that I have my ways of changing what was to what is. Take very good care of yourself because someone else will soon depend on you.

There is also some good news. You will be offered help from someone you least expect it. I hope you will accept that help.

Helena

PS Start taking a multivitamin in the next week or so. Mr. and Mrs. Ling will give it to you for free."

I sat there staring at Helena's note and the insurance forms and was starting to feel overwhelmed. As if she sensed something was wrong, Cali jumped into my lap and curled in a ball purring loudly. There was no way I was going to read those papers with that cat acting like she was, so I put the papers down. Then I put Cali on the seat as I finished unpacking the groceries. Her curiosity made her stretch as she looked and sniffed every item. On the bottom of the second bag I found a bottle of multivitamins. I stared at the bottle. I didn't remember getting them nor remember Mrs. Ling packing it. I put everything else away as I stared at the bottle of vitamins. That letter was scaring me.

'How does she do it? How does she know?'

I first fed Cali, and then I ate a light dinner. I was still eating when Cali jumped on my lap. I petted her and received her loving purr as a result. When I finished, I picked her up and went to bed holding my cat tight.

The next morning I fed Cali then ate breakfast for the first time that week.

After getting ready for work I kissed Cali and said, "I hope you catch a
mouse today."

I know there are mice in this apartment building. I saw one that was almost as large as Cali.

‘Maybe it was really a rat.’

I put the cat down and after unbolting the door I started down the hall.

"Hi," he said.

He was a neighbor that I barely knew and I was scared. His name was Juan, but called himself Johnny.

‘Could he be the rapist?’

"Hi," I said being as bravely as I could. I continued to walk down the stairs to the first floor. He walked with me.

"Going to work?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"I am a few minutes early to get to school. I could drive you to the grocery."

"How do you know about the grocery?"

"It is on the way to school. I have shopped there on occasion and noticed you working there. So may I drive you?"

"No, I need to walk."

"Could I walk you part of the way?"

"Not today." I said as we neared Mrs. Brown's door. "I have a lot to think about."

"Perhaps tomorrow."

"Perhaps," I replied.

He smiled. I realized I had said the wrong thing.

He stopped by Mrs. Brown's and knocked on the door. As she opened her door I went outside. I thought about Johnny and how Mrs. Brown said that he is so kind and friendly. I had some hope that he would not be the one who would rape me. I could use a good friend like either of them.

Two days after I was paid, Tyrone, my brother-in-law, came and picked me up so he could take me to their home in the suburbs. I was surprised because I thought Tyrone didn't like me. I realized he hated Victor and was even scared of him. He not only liked me, he loved me. He even tried to set me up with a few of his friends but they just didn't work out. Rosa enjoyed having me with her even for that day. That was different than how I was treated as Victor. She would not have anything to do with me as Victor. She thought I was too violent and had to protect Kiesha, their daughter, from me.

Tyrone took me back to the apartment where I finished packing and put Cali into her carrying cage. He took my bag and I took my friend down to the car. An hour later we were at their home.

Even though it was late, Kiesha was still up and waiting for me. She gave her favorite aunt a hug and then looked into the cage at Cali and said hello. She thought of Cali as much her pet as I thought of Cali as my owner. I put the cage down and opened the door. The two of them played for the next half hour until Kiesha started lying down as if she was falling asleep. I picked her up, changed her diaper, put on her pajamas and then put her in her bed. By that time she had fallen asleep. I kissed her and walked out of her room.

'Maybe getting pregnant and caring for a child like this would be worth getting raped. That would especially be true if that child was as wonderful as Kiesha.'

Just outside the bedroom Rosa and Tyrone were watching me as they held each other. When I finished taking care of Kiesha I went over to them and gave them a hug.

"Thank you," I told them as tears went down my cheeks.

"What's this all about?" Tyrone asked.

"This week I realized how much I have and for that I am grateful," I explained. "The three of you are just one of those miracles."

Kiesha was such a joy. She was one of the little pleasures I have that makes life wonderful. I found that I was closer to my sister and her husband because of their little darling. I spent that next day talking to Rosa as we did the housework and some minor food shopping. When I finally rode home with Tyrone and Cali I was tired, but happy.

After work the next day I passed the Catholic Church that was halfway between work and my home. It was usually locked or guarded in this neighborhood. I hadn't been in a church since I was a little kid, but I went in, passed the guard and entered one of the front pews. I looked at the altar and the statue of Jesus.

Then I started talking in a whisper, "I know that the witch made me this way to punish me. As Victor I was on top of this neighborhood. My life as Victor was that of a predator. I ruled this neighborhood. Now I am more like prey. But I am thankful. I thank you for Cali. I thank you for my flowers. I thank you for my job even though it doesn't pay much. I thank you for my bosses, and their kindness and their generosity. I thank you for giving me back my sister and her family. I thank you for everything. I hope I am strong enough to get through this rape I must have. Please give me that strength."

I went on and on giving thanks to G_d for my new chance at life. Then I walked the rest of the way home and I felt a strong inner peace that I had never known before.

The next few days at work went on with the same routine. Mrs. Ling was a wonderful person in a very sneaky way. I could tell she loved to help me but she never did it openly.

The extra little things were always in my bags when I got home and whenever I asked her about them she would just smiled and said "It's all in G_d's little plan that we should help each other whenever we can."

Then one day Mrs. Ling's sister came into the store and she and Mai spent the day shopping for the family. When they came back they asked me to come with them to the Ling's upstairs apartment.

Once I got into the door Mrs. Ling and her sister ambushed me. They told me how plain my hair was and that for someone who's hair was as gorgeous as mine it was a crime to keep it that way. They took me into the kitchen and sat me down in a chair and I was at their mercy.

They carried on, talking in Mandarin, and I was at a loss to understand them.

"Oh I'm so sorry," Mai said, realizing that I couldn't understand a word they said. "We are so used to just talking to each other I forgot you couldn't understand. My sister was just so amazed with how beautiful your hair is and she couldn't understand why you hide it by tying it up in a pony tail all the time."

"It's quick and easy to take care of," I replied.

"But, you can do more with it," Mai said.

"Like what?" I asked.

That was their excuse. By the time they were through with me I had a new style and they had given me highlights and a light permanent. They also added some makeup. I found out Mai's sister was a hairdresser in a salon. When I was allowed to look in the mirror I was pleasingly surprised. I had known that I was pretty, but what they had done with my hair made me beautiful.

Mr. Ling wasn't as subtle as his wife. He would openly offer to help. Despite my protests, Eric would never take no for an answer. He had gone from giving me a discount on my purchases to not charging me for many things I bought, and of course, my lunches were free.

"I may not be able to pay what you deserve," he once told me. "But let me share with you what I can."

I was watering my plants a few nights later when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hi Vicki I was just calling because I missed you last Monday," my mom said on the other end.

"I had to stay at work and didn't get off till after five and by then father was on his way home. I wasn't in the mood to get into another fight."

I sounded cold and distant but I had already talked about this with her too many times.

"Mama, I'm sorry, but I know it hurts you when I fight with father. I couldn't do that to you again. He may have sired me, but I hate him. I hate him because of the way he treats you. I hate him because of the way he treats Rosa and me. I hate him because of his violence with others."

"I wish you and your father could get along. It hurts me to see our family torn apart like this."

I could tell from the sound in her voice she was upset.

"Mama that was why I didn't come over. I couldn't bear to fight with father in front of you again. What hurts me the most is he always finds some way to turn it back on you. You always have new bruises the next time I see you after our arguments."

I was crying. It hurts me to see my mom in pain like this.

"Will you come and see me next week then?"

The pleading sound in her voice tore at my heart. I was torn between being there for mama and needing to stay away from the one who fathered me. I decided it was better to risk being hit by my father.

"I promise, mama. I'll be there next Monday, regardless."

"I'll make your favorite pineapple upside down cake and we can have a nice talk."

"I'll be there."

As I hung up the phone I continued to cry. How could anyone be so cruel to someone so full of love? At that moment I wasn't sure if I hated my father or Victor more for how they treated her. It was the first time that I thought seriously that I might let Victor die.

A few days later I had to make a detour to the shoe repair shop where the owner fixed my shoes so they could last a few months longer. I sat there and waited as he happily did the repair. I was paying him and knew that I would have to skip two meals because of that luxury. I walked out of his shop and realized that he closed his shop years ago because Victor crippled him in a robbery.

As I walked home I passed a liquor store and some of Victor's thoughts flashed in my mind again. I remembered robbing it many times. I even remembered helping beat the owner. In my days as Victor half the windows were boarded up and most of the shelves were bare. Now the shop was in good shape and the owner inside was cheerful as he worked in his shop.

I passed by another building that in the back of my mind I didn't think should be there. Then I remembered that as Victor I was paid to burn it down. There were people going in and out carrying on with their lives. That included a woman with two small children who smiled at me as I passed. The kids were so happy. Two of them died in the fire I started, and the baby was never born. Back then I didn't care.

Next Monday came and I went over to see mama like I had promised her. I had told Mister Ling that I needed to leave at noon so I could spend some time with my mom before my father got home.

"It's not right that a child should fear her father," he said cryptically in a tone so soft I could barely hear him.

I turned to answer him but the look of pain I saw on his face stopped me. Then for the first time it occurred to me that even after being married all these years the Lings didn't have any children. From his expression I could tell that was the source of Eric's pain. For some reason they couldn't have children. Life was so unfair. Here was a kind and gentle man who couldn't have the joy of taking care of at least one little one. Both he and Mai deserved to have the blessings of children.

Then there was my father who didn't deserve to have anyone in his life. Despite his meanness he not only had two good daughters, but a loving wife. I knew mama really loved my father, but I don't even know if he really loved her. No, life wasn't fair. Maybe if I meet that witch who did this to me I could ask her to do something for Eric and Mai. They deserve the happiness of having children.

I was overcome with emotion and went up to Eric with tears and gave him a hug.

"What was that about?" he asked.

"You're a special person, Eric," I said. "You deserve the best. And I think someday you will."

I let him keep his confused look.

I arrived at Mama's a little after 12:30. When I walked in the smell of pineapple upside down cake filled my nose. That was one of my mom's specialties and it always reminded me of her love for Rosa and me. She used to make it for us on special occasions. Victor's memory was very different from that though. He hated the taste of pineapple and would always use the smell that filled the house when mom made it as an excuse to leave home for hours to hang out with his friends. These friends eventually became a gang that terrorized the neighborhood.

"Hi mama, that smells fantastic," I said as I entered the kitchen.

She had just put the pan on a plate and flipped it over. She set the plate down and came up and gave me a big hug.

"Oh you came. I was so worried that you wouldn't make it over here again."

As she held me tight I felt my tears start to flow. With her arms around me, I experienced the most wonderful feeling I had ever felt before in my life as Victor or Vickie. I felt loved. I also felt what is like to love someone with all my heart. We stood there hugging each other for what seemed like a lifetime. When we pulled apart I noticed her eye's were as full of tears as mine.

"I better get the pan off of the cake before it sets," Mom said in a very hoarse voice.

"Sure," was the only thing I could choke out in a voice that was more hoarse then my mom's.

We sat in the kitchen. As we talked we had a piece of cake and a cup of coffee. Neither of us mentioned my father once but even in not mentioning him we both could feel his impact on our words and thoughts.

All to soon it was getting near five o'clock.

"I have to go mom."

She had a very sad look in her eyes.

"I know Vickie and I'm sorry you and your father can't get along."

"Mom you know how I feel about this. Nothing Rosa and I could have done was good enough for him. He is so bitter towards us it poisons any relationship we could ever have. I'm glad Rosa found Tyrone despite that, but I'm afraid I'll be an old maid because of him."

My eyes started to tear up again. Form inside my mind Victor was trying to scream out that dad was right and that we were just a bunch of stupid women who deserved what we get. I could feel the rage that drove Victor. That rage was also in my father.

I was able to push Victor's thoughts back easily. Then I realized why the part of me that was Vickie was able to overpower the part that was still Victor. She was motivated with love and caring for others but Victor was driven by greed and anger. I then understood that anger drains you emotionally down to hate and you can't keep that up forever. The love that was at the core of Vickie's being was the opposite. Love heals and you can go around with love in your heart your whole life and with each one you love you grow stronger.

I hugged my mom tight. "I love you and I'll be back next week on Monday and this time I'll stay for dinner."

I felt her hug me even tighter. "Vickie, thank you."

The rest of the week seemed to go by very fast. I was working long shifts at the Ling's store and combined with worrying about the inevitable fight my dad was going to try to start when I had dinner there on Monday. That Monday came before I realized.

I had to stay until three until Mrs. Ling could take over the register, then I was going to catch the bus to mom's for dinner. I couldn't eat much at lunch, not because the food wasn't there. My stomach was so upset thinking about having dinner with my father.

The last time we were in the same room a lot of things got broken and I stormed out of the house shouting curses at the top of my lungs. The next day I saw mom in the hospital with fresh bruises on her body. For my mom sake I was determined not to get into a fight again.

I got off the bus, walked up the stairs and used my key to get into the apartment. Mom had already started making dinner consisting of a cheap cut of beef, some carrots, potatoes, and gravy. She wore her best blue dress under her apron because she wanted to have this meal as a festival. Quickly I put on an apron and helped her.

We finished making dinner just before 5:00 and at 5:15 I heard the door open. My heart was in my mouth because I was about to face the one man I constantly dreaded seeing, my father. He is about 5'11" and all muscle even at his age of 55. He would even look handsome if he didn't have the scars on his face and neck because of his battles with the police, civilians and other toughs in the neighborhood. Also the scowl on his face didn't help. I don't think that I ever saw him smile.

"What is SHE doing here?" he angrily asked.

I just smiled at him and said, "Hi daddy. Mama invited me to dinner."

I had made a resolution to myself that I would even give him a hug. I opened my arms to do that.

"Couldn't you dress better?" he asked me.

"I can't afford to buy any new clothes," I replied as I tried to give him a hug.

"Let me get you some clothes then, girl."

"Please, father, I couldn't accept clothes that I know came off the truck. I couldn't wear them."

"You ungrateful, little bitch!" he shouted as he raised his hand to me.

When he did that I instinctively bent down lower and crossed my arms in front of my head to protect myself from his blow.

"Is that any better than you enticing all those men to your place so you can charge them for your wares?" he asked as he was only able to hit my arms.

"I'm a virgin, father," I replied as I was beginning to feel the pain from his fist.

"I'm your father," he angrily yelled as a second shot came.

Fortunately, there was no damage.

"Don't lie to me, child."

As I backed up to the door with tears in my eyes I shouted to mama, "I tried mama. I really tried."

"I don't want to see that bitch in this place again," he yelled at mama.

I was able to escape without another blow from my father. Because I expected to eat at mama's that night, the cost of the bus and because it was a few days from my next payday, I had nothing to eat that night. I ignored my stomach growling as I put ice on my bruises when I got home. I ignored the growling as I petted Cali that night. I ignored the growling as sleep caught up to me that night. It was just like when I lived at home, except I would not have to worry about getting hurt in the morning. At least the bruises were only on my arms.

The next night Rosa called just after I got home.

"I saw mama this morning," she told me. "She told me you came over to have dinner. Is that why she has some fresh bruises?"

"Rosa, I tried not to do anything but he started as soon as he saw me."

I then went on explaining how I didn't want to have dinner but mama insisted. Then I told her how he came after me both verbally and physically, and why.

Finally I said, "I'm afraid, Rosa. I'm afraid that father will kill her someday. She just barely survives some of those beatings. Can't you do something?"

"I've tried Vicky. I'm just as scared as you, but I can't force her," she replied.

"I'll talk to her again," I told her. "I think she would be better off with you. You have the room and he isn't in the neighborhood. But if she comes here I'll make the room, somehow."

"I know you would, Vicky."

I fell asleep after I watered the plants and fed Cali. Although I ate well at work, I had nothing for dinner as I waited for payday.

The next morning just after I locked my door I saw Johnny's door open. He was carrying some books so I assumed that he was going to school.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I replied.

"You going to work?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"I'm going that way," he told me. "I still owe you that ride, and I can drop you off."

I was feeling a little weak from the lack of food so I agreed. As we walked to his car I felt a little dizzy.

"Are you alright?" he asked with concern in his voice.

"It is probably that I didn't have dinner or breakfast," I answered. "I'll be OK."

He stopped, pointed to the store next to us and said, "We're going in there."

It was a cafe type restaurant.

"I can't pay for that!" I pleaded.

"I'm paying," he insisted. "Besides, if I want a dizzy dame I want her to be that way because she likes me, not because she has low blood sugar."

"But," I replied.

"I need to do this," he continued. "Please do me the favor."

I was doing HIM a favor by him buying me breakfast? I had to find out why and I was too hungry to protest anymore. We had breakfast and we talked, then he drove me to the store. The combination only made me only a little late. When I explained to Mrs. Ling why she smiled and said something about love being a beautiful thing and told me that she would not dock my time. I tried to ignore what she said that morning, but in a way it was true. I realized then that Johnny cared for me. So did Mrs. Brown. So did Mr. and Mrs. Ling. So did Rosa, Tyrone and Kiesha, and of course, mama. Their caring reinforced my caring for them. Love is the secret of life. It is the true gift from G_d.

Unfortunately I didn't have much time to revel in my discovery. It was about a quarter to two in the afternoon. As is our routine, Mai went into the back to do some paperwork and some ordering. I was setting up the packets of potato chips, cookies and other junk food the kids bought for their after school snacks while Eric made sure the refrigerator was stocked with soda.

It was then that they came into the grocery with stocking masks on. I was thankful that Mrs. Ling was in the office because all three had handguns. One was huge. He was six foot four and weighed about 230 pounds. I could only tell he had a black moustache through the stocking. The faces on the other two were more nondescript. One of the others was about 5' 9" and thin. The third was a little shorter and weighed about 160. He seemed to be the ringleader.

"Give us the money in the registers!" shouted short man to Mr. Ling.

Having been robbed before, Eric complied immediately. Mr. Ling even showed the empty registers to the robbers. When they were satisfied, skinny man hit Mr. Ling on the head with his gun. Eric went down unconscious. I tried to grab Eric, but the big man stopped me. My struggling didn't make any difference. At least my boss had no additional damage.

"You are a feisty girl," big man said.

I recognized his voice. It was Bob's!

Holding my wrists so I couldn't get away, Bob then dragged me towards the back of the store.

‘What was he going to do? Was he going to kill me?’

I struggled to get away, but he was too strong. When we were in the back and away from view of anyone else he put his gun in his pocket. Out of another pocket he took a switchblade. Quickly he opened it and put it to my throat. I felt the cut he made on my neck.

"I like to taste the woman I'm going to have," he said as he licked the blade clean.

Bob then put his hand on my left breast. I felt him rub it. HE was the one who was going to rape me. He pulled my blouse down with enough force that it ripped. His dirty nails dug into my flesh leaving some blood. I started to scream. He put his hand over my mouth. I bit him hard enough that he bled.

"You fucking bitch," he said, shaking his hand in pain.

I saw blood on his finger. I tried to run but he grabbed me again. He dropped the knife, and pulled out the gun again. He hit me in the head with the barrel just below my eye. I felt the bone break. He hit me again on the top of my head. It hurt like Hell, but I remained conscious. Later, I wished I hadn't remained conscious.

"If you keep fighting me, I'll get my friends in here too, and we will all take turns with you, you little slut."

The thought of all of them attacking me made my blood run cold and I stood there shaking.

He then pulled my bra off, destroying it. He picked up the knife again and ran the tip down between my breasts. I was so scared I stopped resisting. I felt a small cut where he touched my skin when that knife got too close.

"That's better, if you don't play by my rules I'll cut you up so bad that no man will ever want to look at you again."

As he spoke I could smell his breath. It was foul beyond words. It smelled like rot and decay mixed with alcohol. In addition there was the stench of rancid sweat from his clothes. I wanted to vomit but I was so paralyzed with fear I couldn't do anything.

Then he pulled my skirt off, ripping it. I had no useable clothing left! Next came my panties, ripped beyond use. He ran his course hands all over my body. His hands where so rough they felt like sandpaper. I just lay there frozen with fear. I felt my tears come.

"That's it, just relax and you'll enjoy it. I knew you were a hot little slut when I saw you in here last week."

Then he took down his pants and entered me. Because I was dry and closed, my vagina felt like it was ripping apart. The doctors later told me that is literally what was happening. I was screaming. I felt his juices squirt into me. He stood over me as I started to cry and slapped me so hard across my face my vision blurred and I could taste blood as I fell. Then I continued to cry.

"Stop sniveling. I know you enjoyed it."

Before he walked away he kicked me with his boot and spat on me.

"If you're lucky maybe some day we can do this again."

I continued to cry, partly from the pain in my body and partly from the humiliation I felt. I also felt dirty; that I was soiled. But I also felt the shame from knowing that I had done this same thing to women when I had been Victor. How I wished I had never hurt anyone that way.

I was lying on the cold floor curled in a ball thinking how could this have happened to me and how could I have done this to others. I felt like I was being swallowed up in shame. It was strange, very strange. Part of the shame was that I was the one raped and part of the shame was from knowing that I, as Victor, did this to others.

Later as I was crying I realized I was in mid cycle.

'Shit! I WILL get pregnant from this, just like the witch said!' I thought.

As I lay there I heard gunfire.

A few minutes later I heard a male voice say, "Jesus!"

I looked up and saw a policeman taking off his coat.

'Not again!' I thought.

He used his police jacket to cover me. I cried again. Then in the corner of my eye I saw the knife Bob left behind. I stuck out my hand to grab it. I was going to stab myself with it and end it all when the policeman saw me. He grabbed my wrist just before I was able to get to the knife.

"Please, don't," he implored as I struggled against him. "Don't do it. Promise me you won't commit suicide. Don't do this to me."

I looked at him and saw the concern in his face along with his pained look. No, I couldn't hurt anyone that way, so I shook my head "yes." Slowly, I pulled my hand away from the knife and back to me.

He went on his intercom and asked, "Is there a female office among the backup?"

"Yeah," came the reply through the speaker. "Laura Johnston is here."

"Send her to me at the back of the store," the officer said. "I have someone she needs to help out."

About a minute later a black woman in a police uniform found us.

"Oh, no," she said, biting her lower lip.

"Flashback?" asked the white cop.

"I'll survive," she replied. Then to me she said, "Yeah, I was raped, too. I was physically hurt and felt dirty and humiliated. I'll stay with you, honey, until they take you to the hospital."

"Could you go with me to the hospital?" I asked in a whisper.

She looked at the other cop.

"We'll get you back," he said.

"OK, honey," she said to me. "What's your name?"

"Vicky," I told her almost in a whisper.

"It's a pretty name," she told me. "You don't deserve this."

'Or did I?'

A few minutes later, the paramedics came to me with a stretcher. They took me past Eric who was being bandaged on his head. Mrs. Ling was crying nearby and holding his hand. She looked at me and gave a sad smile. Then we passed two covered male bodies. They were about average height.

'Damn,' I thought. 'I may have to testify.'

I don't remember much of the ambulance ride to the hospital. I barely even remember them cleaning me up and putting on the bandages. I fell asleep in the ambulance. When I opened my eyes and was aware of what was happening around me I looked up into a face that I had come to fear since childhood, my father's.

The painkillers were still in my system and I think something else like Valium because I felt an unreal sense of calm. Because of all the drugs I couldn't think of what to say.

"So what did you get yourself into this time?"

He practically spat the words out at me. I just love his friendliness and caring.

"Take it easy on her. Don't you know what she's just been through?"

I heard my mother's voice from the other side of my bed. I turned slowly to look at her then smiled. I saw some fresh bruises on her face and neck and instantly knew the price she had to pay to come here. My father almost never let her out of house alone. Why did she have to suffer so much?

"I told you when she was growing up she was nothing but a little slut, and now I have the proof. She and her sister have been nothing but trouble. We wouldn't have had anywhere near the problems if we had sons," he said to mom. Then to me, "so how did you entice him? Did you put on a display for him like you did for me? You probably had every other guy in the neighborhood at least once."

"Father, I was a virgin!"

"Don't lie to me, bitch!"

"GET OUT!" I shouted to him as I started to cry again. "GET OUT!"

"Let's go," he said to my mom. "She doesn't appreciate our help. She doesn't deserve it."

"I'll be there in a few minutes," mom said.

I was surprised. She never defied my father. Then, I thought. She did defy my father on occasion. It usually meant protecting Rosa or me. Often she paid for it by walking into a door.

By that time some of the medical personal had come through the curtain that separated me from the other patients.

"GET OUT!" I shouted to my father again.

Although my father protested loudly, one of the attendants escorted him from my area.

Mom then held me as I cried.

When I dried my tears, mama said to me, "We brought you some clothes. The police said that your clothes were destroyed in the robbery."

"Rape, mama. Damn it! I was raped."

"I know, baby."

"I'm in pain," I told her. "I feel so ashamed. I feel dirty."

"So did I," she replied as she held me.

Surprised, I looked at her.

"How do you think Rosa was born?" she asked me.

"Then why did you marry him?"

"I needed a father for her and eventually for you. I thought I could change him."

She gave me some old clothes that I had left in their apartment.

"Also, Tyrone is coming here to take you back to your apartment."

I shuddered.

"Be in the car with me, mama."

"OK, why?"

"I can't be alone with a man, not even one as safe or as good as Tyrone."

At that time a doctor came in to see me.

"Do you want her to hear what I have to tell you?" she asked about my mother.

"Go ahead," I replied. "She's my mother."

"Well, we set the orbit. They're the bones that hold your eye. The MRI showed no other broken bones. The rest are soft tissue injuries that will heal in time. But..."

"But?" asked my mother.

"We want you to stay the night, just for observation and some tests."

"OK," I replied.

"Can I stay with my baby here and watch her?" my mom asked.

"Normally we'd say, 'no' but in this case I think it would be helpful."

"Mama, tell Tyrone to take Cali to their home. I'll pick her up when I go there next week."

"Or when Tyrone picks you up tomorrow."

Fifteen minutes later Tyrone came and tried to give me a hug and kiss. I recoiled from him. Both of us were surprised.

"It's not you," Mama said to Tyrone as she held me. "She was just raped.
She has to heal. I'm going to stay the night with her. Please pick up Cali and take her to your house."

Tyrone nodded.

"Just get well, Vicky," he said to me. "I'll give you that hug and kiss later."

"I hope so," I replied.

I didn't know then if I could ever give Tyrone another hug or kiss and it hurt.

It was then that they wheeled me to my room. Mama and Tyrone followed. When Tyrone left I asked where the shower was. I was determined to get the dirt of the rape off my body. Despite my aches and pains, I walked to the shower and turned on the water. I picked up the new bar of soap and started washing. I felt tears in my eyes as I continued to soap myself. I was in the shower for over an hour when my mom came in and asked me what was wrong.

"I'm still dirty, mama," I cried.

"I'm sorry, baby, that kind of dirt doesn't go away with soap," she kindly told me as she held me.

She didn't care that she was getting wet. She was crying also.

Eventually she got me out of the shower. After drying me off she helped me back to my bed. I was dizzy during the walk to my bed. Exhausted, I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night screaming, living the rape again. Mama jumped up from the chair she was sleeping in and calmed me down.

I stayed in the hospital another three days while the doctors took tests. Most of the tests were done by the vampire, who seemed to come almost hourly.

On the second day my doctor came in and said to me as she looked at her chart, "I've got some bad news for you, Vicky. The EPT was positive."

"EPT?" I asked.

"Early pregnancy test. You're pregnant, Vicky."

"I'm pregnant?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "I could give you RU486, the so-called, morning after pill."

'Only if you give the child away will you become a man again,' I remembered the witch tell me.

"NO!" I said empathically.

‘But why would I want to go back to being Victor?’

"If you change your mind, you have some time, as it could be used up to the tenth week of pregnancy, but it must be done in a hospital or clinic. The main concern with using it is the danger of bleeding," she explained.

I thought about what my doctor said.

'Damn! I'm pregnant,' I said to myself. 'Well, Victor, you got me into this mess. How are you going to get me out of it?'

"There is some good news," the doctor said. "You don't have HIV."

"HIV?" I asked.

"The AIDS virus," she continued. "We had to check both you and the man arrested for your rape."

"Oh," I replied. "Does he have the disease?"

"No."

"Thank G_d!" I whispered.

I didn't realize until then that the rape could have been killed me.

After breakfast the next morning my doctor came and after checking my chart said I could be discharged. I was going to leave that afternoon after Tyrone got off from work. Mama gave me the clothes she brought. They smelled musty from nonuse over the years, but I put them on. I didn't care anymore. I still felt dirty.

As I put on my clothes, I said to my mother, "Mama, you gotta leave father. He'll hurt you again. Go to Rosa's or come to me. Somehow, I'll find room."

"I can't," she told me. "You see I still love him."

"Love him? I see your fear. I don't see your love."

"I have both. I fear him and I love him. I believe my love for him has
made him less violent."

"I'm afraid, mama, " I explained.

"Afraid?" she asked.

"That he'll kill you. Please, mama, I don't want to loose you. Not that way."

"I don't know," she said.

"Promise me?"

"Well...I'll go to Rosa's. She has more room in that house."

Just then Tyrone came into my room. He brought me flowers.

"I can't make up for what that bastard did to you, but I hope this helps," he said.

I smiled, and thanked him.

Tyrone helped mama pack the bandages and betadine that I would need for my wounds. Then the nurses put me in a wheelchair and they wheeled me out to Tyrone's car. With help I sat in the back seat. On my ride to Rosa's I stared out the window and said nothing. Part of the time I thought about what mama said about her love for father made him less violent.

When I was Victor I had a girlfriend, Sarah. She was so beautiful and she really loved me. I was less violent during that time. I even tried to get a normal job and change but I couldn't keep it for long. But I loved her and tried again, yet lost that job also. So I went back to crime, but I was less violent. One time I even refused to kill someone because of her. She just thought we were going to beat him up and pleaded for me not to do even that. Her words and the look she gave me melted my heart and I backed out of the job. Eventually she left me because I couldn't control my violence. When she left she said I hit her once too often and now I know she was right. She was a lovely woman. Maybe if this pregnancy results in a girl I'll name her after my girlfriend.

When we arrived at Rosa's, Rosa helped mama get me into the house. As we entered the door Kiesha came running to me and gave me a hug. I bent down a bit and gave her one back. She wanted me to pick her up. It hurt me that I was in too much pain to do that.

"I'm in a lot of pain, Kiesha," I told her. "When I sit down or lie down you may come to me and I'll hold you. Alright?"

"'K, Aunty Vicky."

Then it was Cali's turn. She purred as she rubbed her body around my leg. My owner's love gave me a warm feeling inside. In fact, I felt everyone's love including Tyrone's although I still couldn't share a hug with him.

I was given the den as my bedroom because I wouldn't have to climb the stairs. Rosa and mama took care of me, as I gradually got stronger over the four weeks I stayed there. The only problem was when Tyrone looked in to see how I was doing. I cringed every time he did that and I hated myself for it. I constantly saw the pain on his face when I did it. Mama helped him with his feelings and tried to help me with mine, but I was still afraid of men.

Gradually the physical pains subsided. At first I was able to walk to the kitchen about twenty feet away. Then I was able to climb the stairs to the second floor. Eventually I was able to go with Rosa and Kiesha to the park a few blocks away. The park had a playground that the mothers in the neighborhood took their little kids to play. While there I talked to Rosa and some of the other mothers as their children played. I knew that soon I would be like them as I was beginning to feel the physical changes. I hoped that my little darling would have playmates similar to those that Kiesha had.

Soon I realized I was as physically well as I could be. I told Rosa that I would be going home to my own apartment and start to work at Ling's Grocery again. She tried to argue with me but I knew that in order for me to heal my soul I needed to go back home. I made arrangement for Ty and Rosa to take me home at the end of the week. During that time the nightmares continued. At least once each night in my dreams I was raped again, sometimes two and three times in that same nightmare.

When we walked into my apartment house Johnny and Mrs. Brown were talking in front of her door.

"What happened to you, child?" Anna asked with concern in her voice.

Ty looked at me and I shook my head, "yes."

"She was raped, Mrs. Brown," Ty explained.

"If you need to talk, I'm available," Anna told me.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"The same with me," Johnny added.

"I can't Johnny," I told him. "You're a good man, but you are a man. I am not able to be physically near a man now, even that way. I have...difficulty...being with my brother-in-law, and I know he's safe."

I saw Johnny's pain, but I realized he understood.

"I'm sorry, Johnny," I continued. "You are sweet. Maybe later."

"Good enough for right now," he replied.

As we walked up the stairs I realized I was hoping that I could eventually talk to Johnny. It was only a baby step, but still a step in the right direction.

It was my second day back in my apartment when the phone rang. I had called the Lings to let them know that I would be back to work the next day and expected a call back. Also, mom had said she was going to call to check on me. I didn't want to talk but I knew I had to at least tell her I was okay.

"Hello," I said softly.

"Hello Vickie, I'm Sister Margaret from St Francis Roman Catholic Church and have been trying to get in touch with you. Your father called us and told us about your situation. I wanted to discus some of your options with you."

I was caught completely off balance since I was expecting the other calls so I was silent.

"I know this is a very difficult time for you and I would like to come over and talk to you would that be okay?"

She had a very sweet tone and sounded like she cared, but I didn't want to see or talk to anyone right now.

"I'm sorry, I just don't want to talk to anyone right now."

I was about to hang up when I heard her say, "Then would it be alright if I send you some information about our Birthright program?"

Birthright? She was afraid I would abort the fetus. I knew that it was still an option.

"That would be okay I guess."

I would have agreed to almost anything to get her off the phone.

"Again, thank you for giving me this time to talk to you. I know how hard this must be for you and I'll say a prayer for you and your baby."

Then she hung up the phone. I stood there with the phone in my hand in shock. I wondered how my father could have mentioned this to anyone? He had no right! I felt violated again, this time by my own father. I lay down on my bed and cried my self to sleep.

In my dreams that night my father was holding me down as Bob ripped my baby away from me. They said they own the child and no one was going to stop them from taking what is theirs. I tried to tell them that nobody owns a child but it is given as a gift for us to nurture and love. They seemed not to listen. Then Bob raped me telling me that he needed me to provide him with more for him to own. I woke up scared, screaming and crying.

After I recovered from that nightmare I looked at my tummy and stroked it as I said, "My little one, somehow I'll protect you."

Finally, about a week later, I was able to go back to work. I spent the day helping with stocking and being a cashier. Eric or Mai stayed with me most of the day, but I didn't do as much as I usually did. I was more exhausted than I usually was so I went home and I just ate very little and went to bed. I was glad that Cali was still at my sister's as I would have had difficulty feeding her and wouldn't like ignoring her. I barely had enough energy to change into my nightgown. I must have been asleep by the time my head hit the pillow.

Suddenly the door to my apartment was torn off its hinges and went crashing to the floor and Bob was standing in the doorway. I was standing at the kitchen sink and before I could move he was beating me down to the ground.

He was on top of me and I heard his voice again, "I told you I'd come back."

I woke up screaming and soaked in sweat. My whole body was shaking and my heart was pounding.

"Again, and again, and again!" I shouted though my tears. "When will this nightmare end?"

I considered again the one way to end it, suicide.

'I can't,' I thought. 'I have a baby growing in me. Besides, I promised that cop.'

I turned the light on beside my bed. Cali was in her bed watching me. "Come here," I called and patted my bed. She leaped up and pounced on my bed and leaned up against me rubbing her face on my neck, purring.

I curled up into ball holding Cali and cried softly afraid to fall back asleep but eventually I did. She gradually turned into Bob. He then tore off my clothes as he cut my neck. He was raping me again.

Again I woke up screaming and realized that Bob was not there and Cali was still at my sister's. So I had a dream within a dream. Cali came home the next day.

When I arrived home from work the next day I saw Cali asleep on the couch. Cali sleeps so much that sometimes I think that "Garfield" is awake more often. Mama and Rosa had picked up some things for me from the store so there was food in the apartment but there was no way I could eat. I knew Cali had to be hungry so I fed her that was her signal for her to wake up. Normally, Cali ate everything I gave her right away but she just picked at her food and barely touched it.

She just purred at my feet and rubbed against my legs. I picked her up and hugged her and sat in my big chair. I clinged to her and tried to shut the rest of the world out as I did my best to not think of anything but that was impossible.

Mama called me a few times a day. I didn't say much to her. I knew she was trying but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her. The words just wouldn't come from my lips. When I was on the phone with her my mind just shut down. After I hung up all the painful thoughts filled my head again. It was everything I wanted to say yet I couldn't break through this nightmare.

I'm not sure how many days had passed since I started work again when I heard a knock on my door. I was so scared to open the door. I looked through the viewer and saw Annie standing there. When I opened the door she was standing there with dinner.

"It's for us," she said. "We, ah, I thought you would like to have dinner with me. I hope you like it. I even brought something for your cat, Calico."

"Sure, come in," I said.

We ate dinner together and we talked. Actually she did most of the talking, but I had a nice time for the first time since I was raped. I smiled until I remembered why I hadn't been happy for a while. Even in that joy that bastard invaded my being.

That dinner was the first of many dinners she brought me. All the food smelled so good. I asked for recipes but she kept insisting it was a little of this and a little of that. I thought that was strange as most women I know swap recipes like boys swap baseball cards.

One day while we ate I told Mrs. Brown how much these talk meant to me, "Annie, you are a good friend. I am glad we have these talks. I don't know how I would have survived these last few weeks. I feel like I've gotten to know you in a way that I wouldn't have believed possible."

"I've have gotten closer to you, too. I'm beginning to think of you as my daughter."

"Is that why you have been bringing me the food like this? I really appreciate what you have done these past few weeks. You are an excellent cook."

"It's not my food, Vicky. Oops!"

"What do you mean it is not your food, Mrs. Brown?"

"I can't afford to feed you. I am on food stamps and can barely feed myself."

"Then who?"

"I promised him I wouldn't tell you."

"You let the cat out of the bag already," I told Mrs. Brown.

Cali looked up at me. Then she yawned and stretched.

"You might as well tell me the rest," I continued.

"That's Johnny's food. Those are Johnny's plates."

"Johnny? Why?"

"He cares about you. He sees that you are hurt. He has even cried in front of me when I told him how hurt you are. He listens intently as I tell him about what we talked about. He would do more to help you, but he knows you won't let him. Right now, he feels that this is the best he can do."

I smiled as tears filled my eyes.

"But he hardly knows me," I replied.

"That's the way he is. He said his parents taught him to be that way. That is part of the reason that he is so helpful to me."

"I noticed that about him. I wish I could know him better."

"He would like that very much."

"I can't deal with any man right now, not even one as sweet as he seems to be."

"You need to get back in the saddle."

"I was never in the saddle. I...I was a...virgin."

I finally broke down with sobs. That rapist stole my virginity. He stole my dignity. He stole part of my ability to love. But somehow I will get the courage to thank Johnny for his kindness.

"Let me take the plates back to him," I told Anna after a while as I dried my tears.

"Are you sure, Vicky?" Mrs. Brown asked. "He doesn't have to know, yet."

"Yes, he does," I said as I washed the dishes. "We're strangers and he did this for me. As you said, I have to get back into the saddle."

"Would you like me to go with you?"

I thought about what she offered.

"That might make things easier," I said as I dried the last dish. "Johnny may be a nice guy, but he is still a man and I'm still very afraid of men."

I picked up Cali and gave her a stroke and a kiss.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," I told my owner.

I grabbed my keys and the plates and we went the two doors to Johnny's apartment and rang his bell.

"Who is it?" I heard him say through the door.

"Anna," Mrs. Brown said. "I'm bringing you back your dishes."

"You didn't have to do that," he said as he opened the door. "I could have gotten them later, like I usually do."

Then he saw me holding the dishes.

"Oh," he said.

"Thank you," I said as my tears started again.

I handed him the dishes.

"You're welcome," he said awkwardly.

I realized that despite my fear of him, he was almost as afraid of me as I was of him! His awkwardness made him endearing to me.

I moved to kiss him on the cheek, but I couldn't. I was still afraid of men, even one like Johnny.

He saw my conflict and told me, "That's alright. Maybe someday I'll be able to collect that kiss. I'll wait."

"I don't know if I will ever be able to pay it," I replied. "And you're so sweet. I don't want to hurt you like this."

"The only way you are hurting me is to see you like this. I wish I could take away your pain."

"What you have done makes it easier," I told him.

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"No, you're doing a lot as it is. Maybe you could bring the food yourself."

I looked at Mrs. Brown and said, "I still expect to have you visit me. I like how we've gotten closer. If you're there at the time, maybe Johnny could stay."

"I would like that very much," he said.

When I went back to the apartment I realized that by inviting Johnny to bring me those meals I had made a small step back towards sanity.

The next evening I heard the doorbell ring. Looking through the keyhole I saw that it was Johnny and Anna. Johnny was holding a large bag from the local Chinese restaurant that appeared to be large enough to be a meal for at least three. That was sweet.

"Come in," I said as I opened the door.

I took the food and put it on the 'kitchen' table. I then went into the cupboard and brought down plates for all of us. I finished with knives, folks, spoons and napkins. Mrs. Brown dished out the food as Johnny found the other chair and a stool I had. We ate and talked. I found out that Johnny was in his last year at the university. He was a Biology major and was planning to teach that and other sciences in the high school nearby when he had enough credits. He said that with his other talents he would not have much financial need but he didn't elaborate.

He realized that I didn't do much of the talking so he asked about me.

"I'm having difficulty at work," I responded. "I am scared being behind the cash register."

"What happens?" asked Anna.

"The problem is that I when a man approaches I become afraid. I have to steal myself not to run away."

"Has your rape councilor helped you with this, Vicky?" he asked.

"I haven't gone to counseling," I responded.

"Why not?"

"I don't have the time," I replied. "I don't have the money. I don't have the transportation."

"I'll drive you," he told me. "I don't care where it is. Anything your insurance won't pay, I will. We'll find the time."

"But I can't be in the car with you," I explained. "Not yet."

"Anna, would you be kind enough to go with us?" he asked our chaperone.

"Sure," she replied as she looked at me and smiled.

"Would that help?"

"Can I sit in the back?" I asked.

Johnny shook his head 'yes', and smiled.

"Where would I go?" I asked.

Then I remembered that the nurse at the hospital had given me a card for a councilor. I went into my purse and after looking for a minute I found the card. I called the phone number and after a few minutes of talking with the operator and my guests I made arrangements for the next day.

Johnny drove Anna and me to the clinic and I was introduced to Elizabeth who would be my councilor. I walked into a room with soft lighting and she explained what I was to do. I thought most of the session was a failure, as I couldn't talk about anything.

"It is normal not to be able to talk about what happened at first," Elizabeth told me. "I had trouble talking in the beginning."

"Someone raped you?" I asked. "But you seem so sure of yourself."

"That took years. I was raped by a guy I was dating at the time. I was a freshman in college and he was a junior on the varsity football team. I wasn't ready for sex, but he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. When I tried to say goodnight at my door he pushed it open then pulled me into my bedroom and pushed me on my bed. He tore my clothes off and entered me. I felt humiliated and so dirty."

"Sounds like what I went through," I told her. "Only...only I never dated him. He did it during a robbery."

"At least you have proof that he was doing things illegally," she continued. "The assistant district attorney said that although he believed me, it was still my word against his. He said that type of case is difficult to prosecute partially because of my rapist's reputation as an important sports figure. He explained to me that his office would investigate to see if there are any other women he raped. If he could find anyone else then instead of it being my word, it would be our word against his. The ADA never found another victim."

"I went though counseling and started to become normal again, or at least as normal as we can be after. I even began dating again a year and a half later. Eventually I found a man that I fell deeply and hopelessly in love with. His caring was part of my recovery. We are getting married in three months. And yes, we've had sex."

"So the nightmares eventually go away," I commented.

"I'm sorry, Vicky, but I still occasionally get flashbacks and the fears, but it does get better. And eventually you will able to love again."

While I was listening I thought of Johnny. Perhaps, maybe, just maybe he will be part of my cure. That would be nice. At that time despite not saying much I thought it was a good first session. We made arrangement for me to have a session at the same time a week later. She told me that it would be my permanent time slot until I got well enough that I didn't need her on a constant basis, and then it would be as needed.

This was already my fifth session. It had been very hard for me to start to talk about my rape. I still had difficulty saying that word when my counselor said she had a friend who was also a survivor she wanted me to talk to. I had been crying so it took me a few seconds to say yes and she pressed the button on the intercom and asked Sylvia to come in.

Her friend walked in and I looked up at her and I felt the room begin to spin. There she stood, Victor's first victim. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing but compassion for my plight. The last time I had seen those eyes they were looking at me in total fear as she cried. It was too much for me and I completely broke down. Sylvia quickly sat down beside me and held me in her arms.

The shame I had felt about everyone Victor hurt was too much for me. My rapist was the most evil person I had ever met, and as Victor I had been no better. I knew even more then ever I never wanted to go back to that life. Helena's spell had not been a curse. It was an escape from my own evil I was bowing down to, but the road to that escape was a painful and difficult one.

I felt I had to tell Sylvia about my connection to Victor but I knew that wasn't possible. I just held onto her and cried.

We were like that for some time before I was able to talk.

"I'm sorry," I choked out in a hoarse voice.

"Don't apologize. Like me, you didn't ask for this to happen. I'm just here to help you."

I just held her close and started to cry again. How could I have ever done something so cruel to someone so kind? I was so full of confusion and pain I felt completely lost.

As I held on to her I realized that I was really a different person and I told myself that it wasn't me, but Victor that had hurt her. I now resolved to take the path that Helena had set me on and escape the sickness that had been my former life. Sylvia had shown me without knowing that the difficulty of my new life and the pain of my rape were a far better fate then any fate that Victor may have had. I was about to bring a new wonderful life into this world and the best my old self could do was to take life or destroy it.

When I was through, Sylvia suggested that she come to my place and visit from time to time if I would like her to. I told her how bad my neighborhood was, but I would be happy if she would come and visit me in the daytime whenever she wished.

The session was over and I walked with Sylvia out to the waiting room. Johnny and Anna were playing with a five-year-old boy. Somehow the child looked familiar.

"Did my big boy have fun with my new friends?" asked Sylvia as she picked up the boy.

Suddenly the reality hit me. I raped Sylvia about six years ago. This was MY son! This was MY boy! I am the FATHER! No I wasn't. Victor had only planted the seed in an unwilling earth and left. He was no more the father than I could be in my present form.

"David, say hello to Aunt Victoria," she said after picking him up.

Part of my smile was for David and part was for what she said. It was very accurate. I AM his aunt.

"Hi, David," I said to him.

Typical for his age, he acted shy by turning his head away from me, as his head got closer to his mom.

That night I had fallen asleep in my chair when I when I felt a tap on my stomach. First I thought it was just Cali moving to get comfortable. I opened my eyes and saw her curled up on the bed beside me when I felt it again. Then I realized I was feeling my baby's first movements. I placed my hand so I could get a better feeling and after a few seconds there was another sign of the little person I was now carrying inside of me.

'This kid is real!' I thought.

I was so full of joy and happiness I couldn't believe it. There was nothing in my heart but an over whelming sense of love for my baby. Somewhere in the back of my mind I could also feel Victor scream out in rage but the wave of love that came over me drowned out his screams.

I was glad that those screams were getting fainter all the time. I had little compassion for my former male self. My better male qualities included me being a murderer, rapist and thief. I began thinking of me as Vicky only. It wasn't just my femininity that I enjoyed. I reveled in my freedom from the anger and hate that Victor constantly had.

A few weeks later, the district attorney's office contacted me and told me that I would need an amniocentesis to help convict Bob. He had pleaded not guilty and was claiming that he was just a customer in the store at the time. According to him it was someone else who robbed the place and he was just the same size as the robber and rapist. So I made arrangement for the procedure. It was an outpatient procedure that included an ultrasound of my baby. I asked Rosa to take me to the hospital. I had to sign releases for the ADA to get the results.

As I was lying on my back for the ultra sound and amniocentesis Rosa held my hand tightly. As the Doctor scanned my swollen belly Rosa and I watched the monitor for our first look at my baby. We watched as the doctor explained to us what we were seeing in those grainy black and white images. She pointed out the head and arms and as she changed the angle she looked at me and smiled.

"Do you want to know the sex of your child?" asked the doctor.

I looked at Rosa. She smiled as she shook her head 'yes'.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" I asked.

"Well, either your kid is facing away from us or you need to pick out a very pretty name for your daughter."

I smiled. I would have a girl to raise. She would not know the fear that I went through, nor would she be a tough in the neighborhood.

"May I suggest that you go to a Lamas class?" asked the doctor. "It would make your child's birth easier."

"Sure," I replied.

"The nurse will give you the information," she told me, as I got dressed.

'I saw my baby. I'm going to have a girl.'

I noticed I was smiling deep down inside me.

After my visit to the hospital we went to Sears and Target and looked at the baby stuff. This included clothes, bibs, rattles, Binkies, and, of course, the disposable diapers. Rosa told me that even if I chose to have a diaper service I needed some of those disposable diapers for certain emergencies. I listened intently to my sister, the experienced mom.

Rosa bought for me a few bibs, a rattle and two cute layettes. She told me that a crib and changing table was coming. We then went to Toys R Us where I found this cute stuffed dog and Rosa bought some clothes for my future baby. I realized later that these were the first gifts of love for my baby.

On the way home from work later that week I went into that same Catholic
Church between my home and work again. I stood in front of the altar. Again I whispered to G_d.

"I have a friend that loves me," I said. "I'm in so much pain from the rape I had that I can't accept his love. I'm in so much pain that I can't return that love."

I paused.

"Please, G_d let me love Johnny like I should and he deserves."

One of the priests saw me standing and talking without making a sound. He came over to me and sniffed near my mouth.

"You are not drunk. What are you stoned on?"

"Please don't think of me as one who has succumbed to the temptations of this neighborhood. I was just pouring my heart out to G_d."

"Go in peace, and may G_d grant you what you have requested of Him."

"May this girl in front of you find favor in your eyes," I said to him.

At that time I realized my prayer would be answered. I am loved. I will be able to love. Nothing is more important than that.

Just before I left the church I turned around and looked back at the statue of Jesus on the altar.

"Thank you," I said.

The next week was my first Lamas class and I asked Johnny to be my partner. Our first experience was introducing each of us to the other parents. Our leaders were a husband and wife team that already had three children. To make thing easier for us Johnny gave his name and introduced me as Vicky and told them when the baby was due. He implied with that introduction we were married. I didn't argue and secretly hoped that someday that might be true. Our leaders introduced a movie that showed what was happening with our babies in our wombs. It helped make Sarah real. After the movie our teachers demonstrated to the parents a massage for the back.

"Husbands, please give that back massage to your wives," she said. "We'll come over to each of you and help you. Ladies, sit and lie back on your husbands and enjoy."

"May I?" asked Johnny.

I thought for a second.

"Yes," I said.

I readied myself against the emotional pain I was expecting, but instead it felt good. There was very little fear so I began to relax. Eventually I leaned back onto Johnny. I was beginning to like what he was doing and wanted him to continue. It was a small victory. Happily, I cried softly. Then the baby kicked, so I put Johnny's hand onto my belly as I looked up to him. The baby kicked again right where Johnny's hand was. He grinned as he experienced the miracle growing in me.

The teacher came to us after the class was over.

"I notice that you are hesitant to touch her," she said to Johnny.

Johnny looked at me and I shook my head, "yes."

"Vicky was raped. I'm not the baby's biological father, just a friend who may become its daddy."

"It is hard for me to let a man touch me," I added.

"Oh," she said.

"It was tough for me to let Johnny give me that massage," I continued. "I expected to react badly."

"This was the first time we've touched," he said as I put my hand around his arm.

He smiled.

'Maybe, we'll win after all,' I thought.

That night at my door we kissed for the first time.

When I was finally in bed I asked myself, 'Is it be possible that we could make love? For Johnny, even that.'

It was then that I realized that I loved him. I was determined to let him help me to get back to something close to normal.

A few days later, Johnny picked me up at the grocery store to go to my therapy session.

"I can't go," I told him. "I can't afford to miss work."

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I've missed so much work I don't have enough for the rent," I replied.

"Come anyway," he said with concern. "We'll talk in the car."

"How will I pay the rent?"

"That's what we'll talk about in the car."

"OK," I said after I thought. "I'll go."

For the first five minutes of the drive neither of us spoke. I could tell that Johnny was thinking.

"I'm going to make a suggestion," he finally said. "But hear me out completely before you decide."

"I'll listen," I answered.

"Move in with me," he said as he kept his eyes on the road. "I have that spare bedroom. I'll move in there. You and Cali and the baby will take the master bedroom."

"I can't do that," I replied even though I wanted to say 'yes'.

"You're not going to live on the streets," he said with authority. "I can't let you do that. Promise that you will at least think about it?"

"I will."

I spent my session talking about my feelings about living with Johnny. Part of me was afraid of him because he was a man. Yet, I knew that I loved him, and that he was becoming more a part of my recovery then these sessions were. I left the session without a decision. Again in the car we were quiet for the beginning of the ride.

"Could you promise me you won't touch me unless I let you?" I asked.

"Yes," he said as he smiled. "I know you are still afraid."

"Then I'll do it."

I called Rosa when I got home and when I told her what I was doing she put mom on also and the three of us talked. After a while they were happy for me. Rosa even said I was beginning to talk about Johnny the way she talks about Tyrone.

At one point Rosa said, "He's a keeper. If I didn't have Tyrone you might have competition."

I giggled.

Then mom said, "Bring him over soon. I'd like to get to know him."

"Can I, Rosa?"

"Please," she responded.

The next night Tyrone came and helped us move Johnny's things into his new room and my things into the apartment. The longer they worked they talked and acted like they were old friends. While we were moving, Tyrone invited Johnny to join me on my next trip to Rosa's. I saw Johnny smile as he thanked Tyrone.

A few days later we told the landlord what we did. In exchange for me giving up my apartment I agreed to forgo the security and sign Johnny's lease. Even though we had separate bedrooms I was officially living with this wonderful man.

Not regaining the security hurt my finances. I worried about how I was going to pay for Sarah until I realized that parents were worried about that problem since Adam found out the results of his fun with Eve.

Later that week, near the end of my workday before my day off Johnny walked into the grocery. He gave me a kiss and told me that Tyrone had picked him and Cali up and that our suitcases were already in the trunk of Tyrone's car. When he found out what was going on, Eric told me to leave early and he would not dock me any pay. The three of us had a fine time as we rode to my sister's home. At dinner that night there was little awkwardness as Johnny easily got into the conversation. I saw how quickly he won over my family. As usual, I helped clean the table and started on the dishes. I didn't stay long as both mom and Rosa shooed me out to keep Johnny company. He had started a fire in the fireplace on this cold fall night.

The fireplace popped and cracked as the flames flickered. The radiant heat relaxed me as it warmed my arms and legs. As I leaned against Johnny I could feel the warmth of his body. This was the first time that at the beginning of our closeness relaxed me and I didn't feel afraid. As we lay there so close I felt an inner strength coming from him that actually made me feel even safer.

I snuggled closer to him and felt more at peace then I could remember in a long time. He took my hand in his and in our hands I could see the two of us. His hand was so much larger and more powerful then mine but from the way he rested his hand on mine I knew I was free to take my hand away if I wanted to, but right now I needed to keep it there. Our fingers intertwined. We sat like that for some time without moving or saying a word. I started to feel that maybe it was possible for me to put my life together and maybe find happiness. I also realized that part of my happiness would always include Johnny.

Then I realized that Rosa and Ty hadn't been around for some time.

Kiesha came in and tried to play with Cali. Until then Cali was stretched out in front of the fireplace soaking up the warmth. Cali ignored her, so Kiesha came over to us and asked to be picked up. When she settled herself she sat between Johnny and me, sitting on both our legs. Johnny and I both put our hand around Kiesha at the same time. I felt his hand and gave him the signal to intertwine our fingers. It was then that I felt the baby stirring and took Johnny's other hand around my body and placed it on my stomach. I felt the baby move again and looked into Johnny's eyes. The look on his face was one of happiness as he also enjoyed that miracle. I realized I was smiling.

A few seconds later, Kiesha jumped as if she was pushed.

"What's dat?" she asked me.

"Your cousin," I replied. "She wanted to say hello to you, too."

"Its gonna be a girl?"

"That's what the doctor said."

"Can I play with her?"

"When she's old enough."

"Want ta play with her now," she said as she yawned.

She started to cry.

"Well, right now," Johnny told her. "I think you need to go to bed. I'm not forcing you. Your body just told me that."

He gently grabbed her and put her on his shoulder. As she laid her head there he helped me get up from the couch. The extra weight in front was starting to make it difficult for me to get up. I appreciated his assistance. I realized later that I wanted his assistance. We walked to her bedroom and he took charge changing my niece. I only had to find the Dr. Denton's that Kiesha wore to bed that night.

"You'd make a fine father," I said to him smiling.

I then gave him a hug. I was looking in his eyes and noticed I was lost in them.

He kissed me and I kissed back with all my might. When it was over we looked at each other with love.

He then asked, "Would you let me be the father of your baby?"

"Huh?"

"Marry me," he said.

There was that conflict again. Most of me wanted to accept his proposal then and there, but I still was afraid. I still was afraid of him because he was a man and I was still afraid of sex.

"Can I think about it?" I asked trying not to hurt him.

"You're still afraid. Aren't you?"

I looked down as I shook my head 'yes'.

"I want to kill that man!" he shouted.

Frightened, I looked at him again and saw tears in his eyes. I knew then that Johnny would never hurt anyone.

'Maybe someday I will be able to accept his offer,' I thought.

When we arrived home the next day I made dinner for the two of us. It consisted of a salad, steak and potatoes. We talked about my family and how they reacted to him. He told me that in some respect they reminded him of his family. He said that was especially true of my mother and his.

"I want to meet your parents," I told him as we cleared the dishes.

"You will, soon" he replied, as he got closer to me. "They are special and they also want to meet you. How about the next time you are off?"

I hesitated. This was a big step for me, meeting HIS parents.

"I'm a little scared, but OK," I finally said.

So the next week Johnny drove me to his parents. They were also in the suburbs but not as far as my sister. I remarked to Johnny when we got there that they were on the way to Rosa's. The street was lined with larger homes and new cars. Most of the cars were expensive. I knew the area had the wealth that I only imagined having. We walked up to a well-kept Victorian house where Johnny rang the bell.

About a minute later, a gentleman who resembled Johnny but looked about twenty-five years older opened the door and said, "Hello, son. You must be Vicky. I'm Johnny's dad, Samuel." He then nodded his head to a woman about my height wiping her hands on her apron. "This is my wife, Marlena."

Marlena smiled, came forward and put her hands on my cheeks and told me, "So, you're the one who stole my Niá±o's heart. You make my Niá±o happy."

"Niá±o?" I asked.

"Niá±o, that means little boy." She kissed me then she took me by the arm and led into the kitchen as she said, "Come, let the boys talk. We can make them lunch."

As we went to the kitchen I looked around. In the hallway I saw what I assumed was a family picture. In the picture Johnny looked about fifteen. He had a slightly older brother and an even older sister.

When we got to the kitchen I helped her finish making the sandwiches then we made a salad as we talked. I explained to Marlena that I truly loved Johnny, but that the rape made it difficult for me to be around any man.

"That includes Johnny, and I know he is a wonderful man," I explained to her. "You raised him right. I just hope that I can overcome my fears enough that I can give myself to him."

"Do you think you will?"

"All I know is that things have gotten better because of him, but not enough, yet."

"Perhaps with time," she assured me.

"I hope so. It would mean as much to me as it does him."

It was early fall and we took the food to the backyard, and then called the guys outside. I enjoyed the view as we waited for them. His parents apparently had about two acres that was a magnificent arboretum. With the leaves changing colors that day it was breathtaking. I had visions of Sarah running though this garden and playing with Grandpa Sammy and Grandma Lena. That meant that I was beginning to think that I would eventually accept his proposal of marriage that he suggested the previous week and the three of us would be a family. With his love, I should be able to expand our family.

Near the end of the meal I remarked, "It is so beautiful out here and so peaceful."

"Niá±o," Marlena said to Johnny. "Show Victoria the yard. Sam and I will clean up."

As we walked together Johnny told me, "Mom is proud of this garden. She put in every tree and every flower. Sometimes we were allowed to help when we were kids. When I was little that was the most fun because I could help mommy and play in the dirt."

"I had visions of the baby playing here with your parents," I told him. "I guess she'll come home with dirt on her hands."

"They'll love having another grandchild coming here."

"Another?" I asked.

"My sister, Isabella has three with one on the way. And Samulito has two. Sam is a tight end and wide receiver for the Bears. You'll probably meet Isabella and Sam's wife, Andrea and their kids tonight when they come for dinner."

"Speaking of kids," I said as I pointed to a clearing in the yard next door. "Look."

In the yard next door there was a young woman playing with what looked like a four-year-old girl and what appeared to be a nine-month-old boy.

We walked over to the fence that divided the properties. I thought I recognized the mother. I was afraid, but I needed to be sure.

"Helena?" I asked.

"Yes," she said as she smiled.

"You're Johnny's parents' next door neighbor?"

"Been that way for years," she replied. Then she asked, "You like the kids?"

"They're cute," I replied. "And they look like they're happy and having fun. You look like you're having fun with them."

"I am. It is the best part of this kind of work."

I looked at her questioning.

"Raising children is the toughest job you'll ever love," she explained.

"May Johnny and I join you?"

"Sure we'll all have fun."

We went around the fence and entered her yard where she introduced us to her children, who let us join in their play. Like all children they were curious of my swelling belly. I told them I was pregnant and there would be a baby soon.

When I answered their question about the due date, they said in unison,
"Dat's a long time."

I sat down next to Helena as Johnny played with the children.

"You probably have some questions," Helena noted.

"Did his parents have you do this to me?" I asked after a few minutes.

"They know nothing of what I did to you. You see, Marlena told me that she was worried about her son because you, as Victor were terrorizing the apartment and neighborhood. Juan thought he could survive until graduation."

"I see," I said.

She continued, "But when I investigated what would happen, you would have maimed him so badly that he would always be crippled. I had to do something. I couldn't let him, or his parents, suffer that way."

"Thank you," I replied.

"You're welcome, but why?"

"Helena, I love Johnny and would do anything I can for him."

She smiled at me.

"Before I forget, there's one other thing," I asked her. "Could you help my bosses to conceive? They deserve the happiness of having children. I can't pay you, now, but I can't just let them not have the joy of children."

"I'll see what I can do," she told me. "There may be an important reason why they don't have children that you don't know about."

"I didn't think of that."

"But you did think of trying to help. And don't worry about paying me. Sometimes I do pro bono work."

There was a pause.

"Vicky, you've grown," she said.

I rubbed my belly and said, "Yep."

"It is more than your baby coming," Helena told me. "Before you probably wouldn't notice. If you did, you wouldn't care if your bosses had any children."

"You told me this was a punishment, and I'm damaged because of that punishment. But you also gave me an opportunity and I'm taking every part of it I see. For that opportunity I thank you."

I gave her a hug and a kiss. The children showed signs of getting tired. I helped Helena get them into the house and into their rooms. We said our good byes and went back to his parents.

Except for Sam Jr., Johnny's family and I had dinner at a nice restaurant. The cost of my meal was probably more than two big ones that I have during the week. I couldn't eat it all and had a doggy bag that would be good for at least two meals for me, or one for Johnny.

The children were curious about the baby so I showed them my belly and fortunately it kicked enough to say hello to them. They also couldn't understand why Johnny wasn't the daddy. I didn't know how to answer them and deferred that question to their parents. It was the only part of the day that felt awkward.

As Johnny took me to work the next morning he asked me, "You're an intelligent woman, Vicky. Why haven't you gone to college?"

"I can't afford anything now. How can I afford to go to college if because of money I had to move in with you? Don't get the wrong idea. I like our arrangement but part of my decision was out of necessity, and that part I didn't like. Also how can I find the time? With the baby coming I'll have even less of that."

"What about going to college online?"

"You mean use a computer college? I don't know how to use a computer nor can I afford to buy one."

"Use mine," he offered.

"You’ve got to graduate. What happens when my need for the computer conflicts with your need for the computer?"

"How about this? I'll buy a computer for you and teach you how to use it and I'll help you find a school and a course of study."

I had that fear of depending on a man again.

"Let me think about it," was my only response.

I talked to Mama, Rosa and the Lings about Johnny's suggestion and at my counseling session a few evenings later with Elizabeth. Part of my conflict was my growing dependence on Johnny, yet he was giving me a means for me to be independent. I knew I loved him, but I still couldn't give Johnny the three things he needed most, sex, sharing our bed, and us married. I didn't know which way to turn.

Her only answer to me was, "Look in your heart. The answer is there."

In my heart I did share a bed with him. I also loved him enough that I walked down the isle or was about to, and our lovemaking was greater than I could ever imagine. Most important, my dependence wasn't an issue because we shared everything as a team, Johnny and me. He needed me as much as I need him. This realization gave me the strength to overcome my fears on this issue and for us to have a future together. Maybe, not now, but I will be able to give Johnny those three things and more.

True to his promise he taught me how to use a computer. When I was comfortable enough with it we bought one. We investigated college programs and I settled on a course of action that would eventually give me a good degree and a job as a teacher. I think I would like to teach early elementary no higher than third grade.

About a month after I started my college computer course a representative of the district attorney's office came to work and told us that we would have to testify against Bob. Despite the DNA evidence from the amniocentesis, his fingerprints and my blood on the knife Bob still claimed he was a customer at the time and as just at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn't want to testify because I didn't want to relive that rape again.

I talked about my feelings first with Johnny then with Elizabeth. She was shaken when I told her.

"Please, testify for me," she asked as she cried. "I couldn't and that bastard got away with it. You will help me if you do. If you need me to be there I'll be with you when you testify."

I held her and said, "You are so together all the time that I didn't know how much you still hurt. I will do it for us, and be there with me. We'll fight this together."

With Johnny's help about a week later, I visited the assistant district attorney in charge of the case. He just wanted to go over my testimony. He and another ADA asked me questions about the events while a third person took notes. By doing that I relived the robbery and rape again. I told The ADA's about the robbers with the masks, Eric being hit, Bob pulling me to the back of the store, me recognizing his voice, being raped and almost committing suicide. The hardest part of their questions was the ones that they assumed the defense attorney would ask. When one of the ADA's asked me how I enticed Bob, I told him I was a virgin before the rape and hadn't had sex since. The questions the ADA asked weren't coaching as he told me to be truthful and honest then and at the trial.

Finally the ADA asked me, "How do you feel?"

"I don't want to testify," I replied. "I relived the rape today and I'll relive it when I take the stand. The physical wounds are almost healed but that bastard hurt me inside so badly that only another victim could understand."

"I may use what you just told me," he explained. "It may help in getting a conviction and possibly a stiffer sentence."

I went to court with Elizabeth, Johnny, and Rosa. Their presence at the trial helped, but I constantly felt the need to cry. Finally I took the stand and was sworn in.

The ADA first asked my name where I lived and where I worked that I answered.

Then the ADA asked, "Could you tell us in you own words what happened on
May 17th of last year?"

"It was almost two in the afternoon and as I usually did at that time I was busy stocking the shelves for the school children that would be coming in to buy their junk food when three masked men came in holding guns."

"Could you describe them?"

"Like I said they had masks, stocking masks."

"Was this one of the masks?"

"It looks like one," I replied.

"Let the record show that the witness identified what was tagged 'People's Exhibit 13 as the type of mask used by all three robbers in the robbery."

"So what did the robbers look like?" the ADA asked.

"One was skinny and was about 5'9". The second was shorter and weighed about 160 pounds. The short man had muscles that implied that he did exercise. He also seemed to be the leader of the thieves. The third was about 6'4" and weighed about 230, just like the defendant. He also looked like he did exercise like the defendant appears to do. I could see though the mask that he had a moustache. It looked black, just like the defendant's."

"What happened?" asked the ADA.

"The three got Eric, that's my boss, Mr. Ling, and me to the front were the cash registers are. Short guy demanded all the money in the registers. Eric gave him and skinny guy all the money in the draw. Eric then showed the empty register to the robbers. Then short guy hit Eric on the forehead with the gun. Eric fell down unconscious. I reached out to help Eric, but was stopped by tall man who held me by my wrists and then dragged me to the back of the store. As I struggled to get away he spoke and I recognized the voice. It belonged to Bob Houston."

"Let the record show that the witness identified the defendant by voice."

"Objection," Bob's lawyer claimed.

"Sustained," the judge replied. "You will have an opportunity to refute the witness's identification."

"What happened next?" asked the ADA.

I was shaking. I was going though that damn rape again. I don't know if I succeeded in holding back my tears.

"I was raped."

"Could you describe what he did?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, but take your time."

"He took me in the back. While he held my wrists he took out a knife and put it next to my neck and cut me here."

"Let the record show that the witness is pointing to a scar on her neck that is at the same locations as in the pictures called 'People's Exhibits 14-19' and marked after the testimony of the attending physician for this witness on May 17."

"I screamed. He put his hand over my mouth. I managed to bite one of his fingers and tried to run away. He dropped the knife, caught me again and pulled out his gun and he hit me by my right eye with it."

"Let the record show that the witness described the injuries to her skull consistent with 'People's Exhibits 20 and 21'. Also at this time the people would like to put into the record the following photographs and X-rays. These show the defendant's injury on that date."

"They will be marked 'People's Exhibits 22, 23, and 24'," the judge said.

Then the ADA told me, "Go on."

"He told me that if I didn't cooperate he would get his partners and they would rape me also. He then tore off my clothes and entered me," I said as my tears came down. "I was in great pain when he came in me."

"Are these your clothes you wore that day?"

"This was my top," I replied. "This was my bra, my panties and my jeans."

"I wish to enter these torn articles of clothing as 'People's Exhibits 25, 26, 27 and 28'," the ADA asked the judge.

"So ordered."

"Also I wish to enter into evidence the samples of the semen taken from the witness's vagina at the time of her examination."

"So ordered."

"Then what happened?"

"As I lay on the floor of the store feeling dirty and humiliated he kicked me and said I enjoyed it and said he would do it again. As I lay there I heard gunshots. A few minutes later a male police officer came to the back. He said something, took off his jacket then covered me. I saw the knife on the floor and tried to get it. I wanted to kill myself."

"Is that the same knife he used to cut you?" the ADA asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"Then what happened?" the ADA asked.

"The cop stopped me," I answered. "He made me promise him not to kill myself. Then he radioed to get a female cop. She took me to the hospital. I don't remember much of the ride as I was often unconscious."

"Did you want to testify in this trial?" the ADA asked.

"No."

"Why?"

"I am reliving the rape," I told him. "It is bad enough that I still have nightmares, that I have to see a counselor to deal with my feelings. I now have a boyfriend that I can't have sex or marry and sometime fear because that bastard raped me. I'm damaged because of him. I wish HE could go through what I am going through."

At that time I remembered that I was once Victor and I was going through exactly what I wished for Bob. I knew then that the witch had given me the correct punishment.

The lawyers consulted with the judge who ordered a two-hour lunch break. I couldn't eat, as I knew that my torture would continue after lunch. Elizabeth, Johnny and Rosa all insisted that I feed my baby. I was able to eat a light salad and some of Rosa's Tuna salad sandwich, and was able to hold that food in despite my stomach rebelling.

After lunch I again took the stand and the judge reminded me that I was still under oath. The defense attorney looked at his notes and then approached me.

"You claim that you recognized my client's voice during the rape,"

"I don't claim to recognize his voice. It was his voice."

"How can you be sure?" he asked.

"I've heard it a number of times."

"How many times? One? Two?'

"Enough," I replied.

"I find that hard to believe," Bob's lawyer countered.

"If you are going to test me, test me,"

"With the court's indulgence, I will."

"Go ahead," the judge said.

"May I have a blindfold so I won't accidentally cheat?" I asked.

I received a blindfold and told the lawyer to start the process. Five similar voices said to me, "You like it." Although it was difficult to hear the differences, I knew four weren't Bobs and one was. I had identified Bob's voice.

"You say that my client cut you with a knife."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know," I replied. "Ask your client."

"Then, according to your testimony, you tried to escape. Why?"

"I was afraid of what he might do. I was afraid that he might hurt me or rape me or kill me. He IS much bigger than me."

"You then claimed to have gotten away form him by biting him?"

"It worked for a few seconds."

"Then you say he grabbed you and hit you with his gun."

"That's how my bones got broken around my right eye."

"Then you had sex with him."

"I wouldn't call being raped as having sex."

"Why didn't you tell the police that you had sex with him before that day?"

"What are you talking about?"

"How many times did you have sex with my client BEFORE he went to your store."

"None," I replied.

"You had sex with my client many time before."

"NO I DIDN'T!"

"You had sex with him earlier that day."

"I never had sex with him."

"You even charged my client for your services."

"I COULDN'T! I WAS A VIRGIN!"

I broke down and cried.

"Because of him," I said between sobs. "I don't know if I will ever be able to 'have sex', as you called it, with ANY man."

Frustrated, Bob's lawyer said, "No more questions, your honor."

I don't know who helped me as I cried. I left the courtroom in the arms of my sister, boyfriend and friend.

It was about a month later, after Johnny and I had dinner together that he helped me wash the dishes. I could feel his warmth next to my body. I wanted to have him touch me but that fear was still there. I think I purposely leaned into him as I handed him the last dish to dry. He had no school that week so we went into the living room to watch some TV. Instead of sitting at my usual spot in the chair I actually sat next to him on the couch. After a while I leaned into him again, and he put his arm around me. Later I happen to look up at him just as he looked down at me. We kissed as I put my arms around his neck.

Then I said something that before I had only hoped I would say, "Johnny, tonight I need you to sleep with me."

But there was something that I did not say.

"Sex?" he asked, wanting to be sure of what he could do.

"I don't know," I replied. "But I do know I need you next to me. One step at a time."

He turned off the TV and helped me up. We went to his bedroom and he got his pajamas. He was trying to put them on when I pulled him towards my bedroom. He helped me with my nightgown and helped me into my queen-sized bed. When he went to the other side and got in I rolled over onto his shoulder. I just needed him to protect me. I only wished that he could protect me from my nightmares. He was stroking my back and I felt love for him and his love for me. Finally I gently took his hand to my breast. Eventually we made love. He came, I didn't, but I was satisfied. We cuddled after. Eventually I fell asleep in his arms.

When I awoke the next morning I realized that he helped me with two victories in one night.

I made breakfast for the two of us. This was easy because it consisted of cereal, juice and a banana. I was running a little late so Johnny offered to drive me to work. As pregnant as I was then it already started to get harder to walk even those few blocks so I gratefully accepted. Walking out our apartment door I put my hand around his arm. Yes, we are becoming a true couple.

As I was punching in at work, Mai saw me and smiled.

"You two had sex didn't you."

"Yes, how did you know?" I asked.

"You have the cat that ate the canary look," she told me. "So how was it?"

"It was good," I admitted. "I was satisfied."

"And?"

"I think I want to share my bed with him."

"I'm glad for you. I think you deserve each other."

"He is wonderful, and sweet."

I had a cheerful attitude the entire day. When Johnny finally took me home I told him what I told Mai about us sharing our bed.

"Looks like I'll have to move my things back into that room," he joked. "I hope it isn't temporary."

I giggled, and said, "No this is for the rest of our lives."

Later that night I called Rosa and mom. I asked them to come over so Johnny would have help moving the furniture again. I had to explain why and both Rosa and mom were happy. Later we called Johnny's parents and told them. It was a good excuse for his parents to meet my family.

They arrived early in the morning a few days later. After the introductions, Sammy and Ty helped Johnny move the heavy furniture as we women moved the lighter stuff. Even Kiesha tried to help, but she played with Cali more. I was thankful that the two entertained each other, as I was afraid that they might get in the way at a very inopportune time. As we worked mama noted that we had hardly anything for the baby, but it was due in less than two months.

"You need a crib, a bassinette, a changing table, a rocker, clothes, pampers and other things," she told me.

"We're going shopping!" Rosa insisted.

"With what money?" I asked.

"We're going to use plastic money," Marlena explained.

"CHARGE IT!" Rosa shouted.

"I can't let you go into debt for me," I pleaded.

"You might have noticed that we have enough," Marlena told me. "We won't go into debt. Well, maybe just for a month. It is a present for the baby."

"Besides you're baby's inheriting Kiesha's old clothes, baby toys and crib. Also, I expect Kiesha's getting a bed today."

"That would be nice," I thought.

The guys decided to join us. They drove in one car and us girls went in another first to one of the thrift shops in the neighborhood. There was a changing table in good condition that Johnny and Ty put onto Sam's SUV. They drove it back to the apartment while we went bed shopping for Kiesha in a furniture store just down the block.

When Rosa saw a bed she liked she asked Kiesha, "Do you like this bed?"

"Tis be my bed?" Kiesha asked.

"It's a big girl's bed and you're getting to be a big girl."

Kiesha climbed on the bed and promptly started jumping on it.

"I likes dis bed mommy!" she said. “I can have fun on it!”

Mama paid for the bed after Rosa made arrangement for it to be delivered. By that time the guys had returned. We drove to a J C Penny nearby. As it was after noon we decided to eat lunch in a restaurant about two blocks from J C Penny. Only Kiesha and the guys had desert. I believe that Kiesha's food ended up more on her than in her. Kiesha was giving me a good idea of what the details of taking care of a child involved.

We bought some baby clothes, a swing, and stroller at Jacques Pennee, which was followed by a trip to Target to get some more things. I didn't realize how expensive a child would be until that day. This was only some of the things needed at the beginning of life. The guys then drove home with the packages and the paint to paint the baby's room.

On the way home I saw a little park where some of the children in the neighborhood played.

"Could we stop and let Kiesha have some fun?" I asked.

Rosa pulled over to the side and parked. We got the stroller and walked the half block to the park entrance. It was a nice little park that had the sounds of happy children. Kiesha decided to enjoy the slide and climbing system that was central to the park's existence. Marlena, mama, Rosa, and I sat on one of benches so we could watch Kiesha. I smiled as I saw all the children running around, climbing using the swings and slide.

But a memory of Victor crept in. When I was Victor this park was is poor condition with hardly any children using it because the area around it was too dangerous. As I was thinking about that a car of one of the civilian patrol groups passed the park. I saw some of the parent's waving to the car and the passenger in it waved back. I, as Victor, had beaten up some of the first group of civilian patrol volunteers so the group had disbanded. No other group was willing to risk forming another one. It was something to think about, as I knew then that being Vicky instead of Victor had a major positive effect on my community.

Kiesha started getting cranky so Rosa put her into her stroller. We walked back to the car and my mothers drove back to the apartment. Kiesha had just fallen asleep. In order not to wake her, Rosa and I decided to walk to the few blocks to Johnny and my home.

I went into work the next day and Eric told me that I would need to work a little harder today as Mai was at the doctor.

"Is there anything wrong?" I asked my boss.

"No, he said. "It is probably just stomach flu."

I didn't believe him because he looked worried.

When Mai came in about two hours later she was smiling. She went over to Eric, pressed against him and gave him a big kiss.

I heard her whisper to him, "I'm pregnant."

"How?" Eric asked. "I thought you couldn't."

As my bosses stayed together and talked to each other I went to the back of the store and thanked G_d for bringing Helena and me together.

It was about two weeks later that Johnny and I were walking down the steps from out apartment when I thought I heard moaning coming from Mrs. Brown's apartment.

"Johnny wait," I said as I stopped him. "I think there is something wrong with Anna."

I knocked on the door.

"Anna, are you alright?" Johnny shouted.

We heard the moan again.

"Get the super!" I told Johnny with an urgency in my voice.

Quickly he bolted across the hall to the super's apartment. About two minutes later he arrived with the super. Hearing another moan the super opened Mrs. Brown's door. We saw her lying on the floor and looking a little ashen. I went to Anna and tried to comfort her as Johnny used her phone to call for an ambulance.

"I think I had a heart attack," she whispered to me.

Johnny and the super got a blanket and a pillow. As we waited Johnny was able to get in touch with two of her three children. He also called the Lings and explained the situation.

About ten minutes after we opened the door the police and an EMT unit arrived. They took her to the hospital and Johnny followed them in his car. About an hour later, Dwaine, her oldest son came to the apartment and we both went to the hospital. On the way I told him what I knew. When we got there we found out that she was already in intensive care. The doctor in charge of her said she was in danger as she had just survived a code. The doctors were talking about bypass surgery if she stabilized, and she might even need a transplant. Dwaine was shaken but he went outside and called his brother and sister so they would know the situation. Before he went in to see her he thanked us for what we did for his mother. A few minutes later his sister, Dina, who was crying, arrived. Anna had restrictions on the number of visitors she could have so we let her family have all the time they needed in the room with her. Later that night I told Johnny that I was thankful that we could help save Anna's life, but I didn't tell him I was worried how long that life still had.

The next morning at work I asked the Eric and Mai if I could have some time off to visit Anna in the hospital. They agreed to let me go early and let me come in late but that I had to plan the time beforehand so they would not be short handed.

"I also know that soon we are going to lose you completely for a while," Mai said. "When that happens don't be a stranger. I need to know your baby."

"I think my baby would like to play with her Aunt Mai," I told her. "Besides I overhead that she would meet a friend soon after she is born."

I noticed tears in her eyes. I gave her a hug and made a silent prayer thanking G_d for all the blessings I've recently received.

The next morning Johnny and I made arrangements to visit Anna that night and the next morning. That became a routine for the next few weeks. During that time Anna's condition got worse. Her children were constantly by her side during this time most of the time with her grandchildren. I sometimes played with the little ones while their parents visited Anna.

On the way home one night I was very quiet in the car.

"Penny for your thoughts," Johnny said.

"I'm afraid she is gonna die," I told him.

I burst into tears. Johnny pulled the car over to the side and held me.

A few minutes later he said, "I don't want her to die either. She's a great friend. But death is a part of life. We can't stop the inevitable. All we can do is delay it."

"But why her now? She's such a good woman."

"And look what she got as a result of being that good woman," he suggested. "Three loving children she can be proud of and her grandchildren."

The next morning when we arrived at the hospital we saw Dina sitting and crying outside Anna's room. The door was closed. When I saw that I went up to her and held her as she cried.

"It's over," she cried. "She died about an hour ago. My brothers are coming."

"Is there anything we can do for you?" asked Johnny. "Funeral arrangements, for example."

"Wait until my brothers get here," she requested. "I don't know what to do, yet."

Some time after her brothers arrived the three asked us to get in touch with a certain funeral home and also call some people for them. That night Johnny did most of the calls. I was able to take care of most of the rest.

The funeral was a week later in the afternoon. After the funeral we went to a restaurant to eat dinner. I ate more food than I was able to over the past few weeks. To top it off I had to have a banana split. Even the whip cream was essential for my needs at that meal.

"Are you alright?" Johnny asked. "You ate a lot tonight."

"Yeah, I ate like a horse tonight," I replied. "I don't know why. I just need it. Put it off to a pregnancy craving."

When we arrived home I was so tired went straight into bed and slept. I felt Johnny join me a few hours later.

Later that night the twitching in my uterus woke me up. I slid over to Johnny who was lying next to me and gave him a kiss. He moaned, smiled and rolled over.

"Johnny, get up," I said as I gently shook him.

There was a contraction. I gave a yelp.

"What happened?" he asked as he jumped up to a sitting position.

"It is time," I told him. "The baby is coming."

"I'll get the suitcase. Anything that has to be added?"

"My toothbrush, hairbrush and the camera. I knew I had to check it yesterday after we got back from the funeral."

"I'll be ready in a few minutes. What time is it anyway?"

I looked at the clock on his nightstand.

"3:30," I replied.

"You better not get mommy and daddy up like this again," he said as he pointed to my tummy giving it a lecture.

He got up, and took a quick shower. I showered after he got out. When I left the bathroom I had another contraction. I looked at his clock. Twenty minutes.

Johnny was already leaving with the suitcase I packed.

"Don't forget me," I said.

"I'm just getting this into the car and bringing it closer," he explained, as I got dressed. "I'll be back in a few minutes. If you finish before I get back sit in the chair by the door."

I gave him a kiss before he left, then got dressed and called my sister's. Tyrone's sleepy voice was on the other end.

"Ty, it's Vicky. I'm about to have the baby."

"That's nice," he replied sleepily.

"Did you hear what I said, Tyrone?"

"Yeah," he said. "You're about to have the baby, zzzzzzz."

"Promise me that you will tell Rosa and mama."

"Um, hum."

"And pick up Cali."

"Um, hum."

"Sleep well," I said.

"Um, hum," he said just before he hung up the phone.

True to his word, Johnny was back as I was putting on my coat. It was still chilly that early spring morning. He helped me down the stairs and into the car. He buckled me in and gave me a kiss.

"I called Rosa's while you got the car," I told Johnny as we sped through the night to the hospital. "I think you will have to call them back. Ty was not too awake."

"May I call my parents also?" he asked.

"Of course, I replied. "I'd want them to know."

He took me to Toro Hospital where we had made arrangements for me to give birth. We went to the emergency entrance and they wheeled me in as a nurse had Johnny fill out the forms. Johnny made two phone calls just before they brought me to an elevator and up to the maternity ward a few minutes later. Johnny stayed with me the entire trip. On the elevator I felt another contraction. I grabbed Johnny's hand and squeezed it tight. I saw the pain on his face from my squeezing. I didn't care because the pain was killing me. He reminded me how to breathe.

"He, Hoo," I repeated.

"Timing?" the aide asked.

"What time is it?" asked Johnny.

"4:03"

"Eighteen minutes. Down two."

"Good," replied the aide. "We got time."

The room I was to give birth in had soft light. Johnny and the aide assisted me into the bed. A few minutes later a woman that had a badge on her that said she was a physician's assistant came in.

"What's your name, young mama?"

"Vicky," I replied.

"Vicky, I need to see how soon your baby is going to come," the PA told me. "Could you spread your legs and let me see?"

I complied.

After examining me she said, "Three centimeters. We have time. I'll be back in 15 minutes and check on you again. Your husband will stay with you. If you need us before then the call button is over there. Just in case, don't drink anything. You may have some ice chips."

She pointed to the call button.

"Just in case?" Johnny asked.

"In case we need to do a C-section."

"Oh," he said.

"You have a watch?" she asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Time her. If the contractions are five minutes apart before I come back, get the nurses to call me."

He held my hand and then gave me a kiss. The PA left the room. Johnny then unpacked my clothes. When he finished he took the chair closer to my bed and sat down. He took my hand again and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I looked at him and I could see his love through his smile. I had another contraction and squeezed his hand. It was a strong one. He reminded me how to breathe again. Eleven minutes.

The contractions kept coming with shorter intervals. The PA returned and examined me.

"About seven centimeters," she told us. "You're coming along nicely, Vicky."

About two minutes after she left, my water broke. An aide came in and quickly changed the bed. Then things started to happen fast. The contractions were at that time about a minute apart. The PA came in took one look and called my doctor. He was there in less than two minutes. Quickly they were gloved and masked. They made sure Johnny did the same.

"Come on," said the PA. "Start pushing during the contractions."

The next one hit quickly.

As it hit, the doctor shouted to me, "Push!"

I pushed with all my might. It was a complete body push.

"Again!"

I gave another squeeze.

"We have the head!" the PA said.

"One more time!" the doctor told me.

I did and felt my baby squirt out of me.

"It's a girl!" I heard the doctor say as I heard my baby cry.

I gave Johnny the biggest hug I could manage at that time as I started to cry. We kissed. I never felt so loving and loved as I did that moment. They handed me our baby and we examined her head, fingers, and toes. She is so small, but I love her. As I kissed her Johnny did the same.

"We have to sew you up," the doctor said to me. "Episeal tear. Johnny, take your child."

I gave him our daughter and felt the pain caused by the sewing of my insides. While they did that I heard Johnny talking to our baby, Sarah, explaining to her what was happening to me. When the doctor was finished Johnny gave Sarah back to me. I kissed her and saw her fall asleep. Exhausted, I felt myself drift off.

When I woke up I saw Johnny sleeping in the chair next to me. Sarah was nowhere in sight. Although I was a little worried, I knew she was in the nursery. A few minutes later Johnny opened his eyes. He looked at me and smiled. It was then that the nurse brought in Sarah and I was shown how to breastfeed. Sarah greedily took the breasts that I gave her. Johnny sat there smiling. I looked at him and knew.

"Yes," I said.

"Yes?" he asked.

"I will marry you."

Then the nurse came back in and taught me how to change Sarah's diaper. I put Sarah in her basinet and the nurse wheeled my baby back to the nursery. A few minutes later as I was dozing, I heard a knock on the door. The person who came in was Sister Margaret.

"I saw your baby," she said. "It is a lovely child."

"Yes, she is," I replied.

"We've found good parents for her. All you need to do is sign the adoption papers and she'll go to a loving mother and father."

In my head Victor pleaded with me to give up my baby. He needed to come back.

"I know what I need to do," he said. "I'll be good this time."

"You promised Sarah you would change, but you didn't," Vicky replied. "I don't trust you."

"Your love taught me how to change," he explained. "I'll even help
Sylvia and David."

"How? If she finds out that you're helping her you'll end up in jail. I don't want to go to jail."

"I didn't think of that."

"What about the cobbler and the liquor store owner. They'll be right back where they were."

"I'll make it up to them."

"And the lady with the two children? How are you going to make it up to them? In your world two are dead and the third never was."

"Please, Vicky I need to live."

"And that park? Are you going to clean up that park? And start that civilian patrol?"

"I'll be good."

"What about Johnny and Sarah? I love them too much to hurt them this way, same with mama and Rosa and her family. Johnny's family, I love them. I need to live. I need to love. Victor, I know what I must do"

That thought took less than a second.

"But she has a loving mother," I explained to her as I looked into Johnny's eyes, smiled and put my hand in his. "And a loving father. I'm sorry, but that other couple is going to have to adopt someone else."

"Are you sure?" asked Sister Margaret.

"Never surer," replied Johnny as we kissed.

"I guess that's the end, then," said Sister Margaret as she took her things and got up. "Enjoy your life together."

"Thank you," I said. "But this is the beginning, not the end."

.......................................................................

Helena waved her hand and the crystal ball on her kitchen table became clear again. She put it in its felt bag and then put the bag in its storage box. She then got up, and picked up the box and the book lying next to it. The book, "Practical Magic: a Primer, by Phillip and Mary English, 1694" was given to her when she was twenty-one, as was the practice in her family.

"As soon as I write this up for our records I will be able to close this case," she said to herself as she put the items away in their proper places. Her husband came up behind her and hugged her around her belly as he pulled her close.

"What you did deserves a reward," he told her.

"Do you have anything in mind?" she asked as she wiggled her behind against him.

"How about I take you to bed and we can play for a while?" he asked as he picked her up so she was carried, lying in his arms.

"I am about mid cycle and we already have four kids," she replied as she put her arms around his neck.

"Maybe we'll have a basketball team."

The beginning

We thank Davenport, Maggie O Malley, Scotty, and Judy White for their contributions to this story.