Jubal: In the arms of the angels
Copyright  © 2011 Faeriemage
All Rights Reserved.
For young Jubal Marie Franks life goes on.

---

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Initially, at this point, I was going to have Jubal's life have a few additional problems as he bounced from foster home to foster home, but two things stopped me. The first was where I'd left him at the end of the last chapter. He was almost catatonic, and completely spent.

The other thing was that I don't like hurting children or killing puppies, and it really feels sometimes with this story that this is exactly what I'm doing.

So, I'm going to give Jubal a break for the next four or so years of his life. High school is hard enough without thrusting foster homes and other crap at him.

After he turns twelve, after he's had time to recover, when the crap hits the fan and Heredity Inc begins to really ruin his life, then I can revisit some of the themes that I was going to use here.

For now, we always know that there are storm clouds on the horizon, but this is definitely the calm before the storm.

One last thing, before I forget.

I realized that as Jubal grew older, I have been spending more time in each story, or I should say less. Each story covers a shorter period. This one ran from mid May through August.

As such, there is no way, at the current rate, I am covering 4 years in 5k words. So, instead of the 5 chapters initially planned before Jubal got to the age of twelve, there will be more. hoe many more? I don't know. But, I will have at least 4, and possibly double that.

We'll just have to see.

---

"The child has a severe case of PTSD, Joey. No one wants to take him in."

"Listen to yourself, Haley. This child needs love and support, not hopping from one home to the next."

"Have you seen what's gone on in his life? The loss he's had to suffer? That child is not recovering from this."

"Of course he is. He will recover as soon as he actually wants to. It might take some outside help, but he can recover."

Jubal sat there, not really listening to anything going on around him. His parents had been killed because of him. It was too much.

No, Marie. His parents had been killed because of Marie. When the Johansens had discovered that Jubal was Marie sometimes, they had the Carsons killed because they felt that Jubal needed to be Marie more than Jubal.

If he was never Marie again, then no one would know he could be Marie. If no one knows about Marie, no one else will die for her realization into the world.

That was the answer. He looked up and realized Joey was looking at him strangely. He didn't know what she'd just said to him, and he couldn't tell her that he wanted to kill Marie, or at least the part of her that was him.

He'd just have to show it through his actions.

"Jubal, baby are you there?"

He sat there looking at her. No more Marie.

"Jubal?"

No more Marie.

no more marie

Joey picked him up, and still he sat here staring off into space.

no more.

***
Joey had been a foster parent during her schooling to become a social worker, and had never lost her certification. She still had the old home with more rooms than she knew what to do with, and so she moved Jubal into the room next to hers.

The decorations were a neutral white, and she lay Jubal down on the bed, as she went in search of a yellow bed spread. He hadn't moved an inch by the time she got back and she was beginning to get worried.

She put the yellow blanket around him and sat down next to him on the bed.

"Jubal, honey, I need you to say something to me."

"no more."

"No more what, baby."

"No more Marie."

"You don't want to be Marie anymore?"

Jubal nodded his head slowly, as if it took all his effort to make that slight movement.

"Then you don't have to, honey. You can be whomever you want to be."

She folded the boy into her arms and simply held him. They sat there until her back began to hurt, and sat there some more.

"Joey?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Can I call you Mommy?"

Joey was stunned for a second, her breath catching in her chest. She took a full breath and let it out.

"Jubal, honey, you know this is just temporary, right."

Jubal paused for the longest time, nodded and opened his mouth to speak, "but I don't want it to be temporary. You've been there since my Grandparents died and I'm tired of temporary."

"The Carsons adopted you, Jubal. They really loved you."

Jubal stopped speaking and Joey realized she'd gone a step too far. She took a deep breath in preparation to speak.

"I can do better, Joey. I can be better. I will do anything you want me to, just don't make me go anywhere else to live."

"For now. . ."

"Not 'for now', Joey! Forever."

"Jubal, would you be happier if I lied to you? I could tell you I'll let you stay here forever, but I can't do that. I can't adopt you. I'm not married. I work for protective services. There are so many things that prevent me. I probably can't even be your foster mom for very long."

"Probably not means probably can, Joey. Check it out, for me? Please."

"Ok, Jubal."

"While I'm here, can I call you Mommy?"

"I preferred Mama Joey with all my foster kids."

"Ok, I can live with that, Mama Joey."

***
Jubal walked into the building slowly. He was so scared all of the sudden. He knew a little how the other kids felt when he'd shown up here as Marie, and didn't want them to hold his change back to Jubal against him.

"Jubal! Hi!"

Katie ran up and threw him in a hug, "I was so worried about you. We heard what happened to the Johansens. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay." Gone was the easy smile, and the friendly attitude. Jubal was sinking into himself even as he tried to cling to Katie like a life raft.

"Hey, it's okay to hurt, Jubal. Nothing says that you have to do this alone, okay?"

Jubal nodded into her, and she led him off to his first class of the day.

He sat there looking at the papers, and some of the old feeling came back to him. He really enjoyed helping these other kids.

He mostly didn't feel like doing anything right now, but these kids depended on him. How could he be so selfish as to deny them the comfort and aid they needed.

He knew firsthand what it was like to lose comfort.

He graded the entire stack of papers before the end of the period. He needed more. He needed to do more.

The next class and the next class and the one after that. Before he knew it, he was to his last period of the day, and there he was in the library with Mr. Evans.

"Why can't I get this, Mr. Evans?"

"Jubal, you understand the math. When we walk through the logic of it, you can solve the problems."

"But letters can't be numbers."

"What if they could be?"

"No, English isn't math."

"Let's try this a different way."

"Okay. . ." Jubal sounded unsure, but he waited while Mr. Evans began to explain it to him.

"Look at this simple one here. 1+x=5."

"Okay, but like I said, that makes no sense. I know that it has to be 1+4=5, and the x is just wrong."

Mr. Evans smiled at the back of Jubal's head.

"Jubal, the x is always wrong, but let's just look at this for a moment. What did you do to get four?"

"Well, I knew that it had to be 1 less than 5, because I was adding 1 to something to get 5."

"Exactly."

"But x isn't four."

"Actually, you just proved it is?"

"What?"

"x, or y, or z, or q, or whatever means 'something'."

Jubal had a questioning look on his face.

"Like you said. 1 plus something equals 5."

"So, something is 4. . .and something is x. x is 4? x is 4!"

"Here is the thing about variables like x. . .they change from problem to problem."

"That is difficult, isn't it. If you don't always know what thye are, then why use them?"

"Because they represent numbers that you don't know."

Jubal blinked at that, and then a light sort of flashed behind his eyes. It was so simple, how come he hadn't realized this before.

"Why didn't you tell it to me this way before?"

"This isn't the first time we've had this conversation, Jubal. Frankly, I'm a bit surprised you even got it this time. Happy and relieved, but surprised."

"Why?"

"Algebra, and many other things in life, requires abstract thought. It is a brain development thing."

"I still don't understand why not."

"Sometimes you just have to accept things on faith, at least until you get to calculus and start learning the why."

"Can we do calculus next then?"

"No, you have a lot of other groundwork to cover, and you only just really began learning to solve for x."

"Maybe next week then?"

Mr. Evans smiled. "Maybe at that."

***
"Mama Joey! Mama Joey! I'm an abstract thinker now. I can do algebra!"

Joey chuckled at Jubal's enthusiasm.

She was taking fewer hours at the department so that she could be home when Jubal got here. She didn't mind too much. For right now she was refusing the stipend for a foster parent, but she did have enough for both their needs.

"Mama Joey?"

"Yes, Jubal."

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you, child. I wouldn't be doing this otherwise."

"Ok, if you love me, then I can tell you that I love you too."

Joey was trying to figure out baking bread for probably the thousandth time in her life. She'd never quite been able to get it to turn out right, and while waiting for Jubal to get home, she figured that it might be a good time, but the rock hard lump of dough on her counter was defying her efforts to kneed it.

That's better than running onto the floor like the last batch.

"Mama Joey?"

"Yes, Jubal."

"Can we get me some pajamas? I think I'm ready to move on from a night gown."

Joey looked at Jubal, who seemed nervous about something. His eyes pleaded with her, and she simply had to give in.

"Of course we can. What color would you like?"

"I want to see what they have available in the boy's section before I pick a color."

Joey cocked her head to look at him, and then slowly nodded. "Ok, Jubal. Let's go to the store and take a look."

***
Jubal walked into school with a little more confidence than yesterday. "Jubal! You're back!"

"Hey, George, you're back too!"

"Huh?"

"I didn't see you yesterday."

"Oh, that, um, I got suspended for fighting."

"What? Why were you fighting? You know the school doesn't tolerate any fighting."

"One of the other kids said you were a faggot, so George knocked his lights out."

Katie liked Jubal, but she figured if he was going to be in the same class as they were, it was time to stop pulling punches.

"I'm sorry, George."

"It's okay, man. So, are you back as Jubal for good?"

"Yeah. The Johansens were forcing me to come as Marie. I didn't want to though."

"But you made such a cute girl," Katie said.

Both Jubal and George made faces of disgust, which sent Katie off in a fit of giggles.

"Well, at least you are back as Jubal now."

"And if I have anything to say about it, the rumor mill will start spreading that the girl clothes weren't your idea," Katie said.

***
"Hey, Fairy!"

One of the bigger Eight graders went to push Jubal, and George stepped in front of him. In the past year, George had grown into his attitude, and it showed as he stood there between the seven year old and the thirteen year old.

"Norm, I don't think attacking Jubal is such a great idea anymore."

"Yeah, Norm, did you see Bobby Jenkin's face last week? He had to be carted out of here in an ambulance."

"I heard he went to the morgue."

"Shut up you guys, I take Karate and I can take good old George here."

Norm dropped into what he assumed was a karate pose, and simply looked like something copied from a memory of a bad kung-fu film.

George looked at him questioningly, and the color drained our of Norm's face.

"On second thought, guys, George isn't worth it. I know I could kick his butt," with which Norm turned to walk away.

"Yeah, right," one of his cronies said, the sarcasm evident.

"You gotta stop doing this, George."

"I owe you, Jubal. I was like those kids. Angry. I didn't like learning, and I hated school. I took it out on kids like you. When you stopped and talked to me, instead of just running away, something clicked in me. And then you helped me to learn how to learn."

"George. . ."

"No, hear me out, Jubal. It's weird enough me saying this as it is. I feel like a girl or something. Anyway, just thanks, okay. And I protect you because I need it, not because you do. I owe you."

Jubal teared up a bit and was going to hug his friend, but George held him back. "Dude, guys don't hug each other. And you're seven and a half. You're old enough that you can be considered one of the guys."

Jubal nodded seriously, but then a questioning look came to his face, "Can guys still hug girls?"

"Sure, but only if they're your girlfriend or your mom or something. You have so much stuff to learn, Jubal."

"I'm know lots of stuff."

"I mean people stuff. Stuff not in any book. Look, just watch how I treat people. Learn from that. I'm a pretty decent guy."

"Most of the time," Katie said sneaking up behind George and throwing her arms around him from behind.

"Does that mean she's your girlfriend, George?"

They both blushed, and George was the first one to find his voice, "Nah, girls can hug whomever they want, whenever they want."

Katie lost a bit of her smile, and George hurried to add, "not that I wouldn't love to have Katie as my girlfriend. I just think I'm a bit young for dating, or at least my parents do."

"Ok, then I can live with that." Katie kissed him on the cheek, and he flushed bright red.

***
"So, what are your plans for the summer, Jubal?" asked Mr. Evans as he packed his books away. They'd finished off the algebra requirement for entrance to ninth grade, so Jubal would be moving on with the group that had become his peers next year.

Mr. Evans had barely been able to keep up with teaching him the rudiments of Algebra, and was happy that he had nothing to do with the high-school. Sure, he'd miss Jubal, but so would most of the other staff in the Junior high, and all of the teachers he'd left behind in third.

"I don't know. It's hard to believe that last year I was going to Disneyland with my parents, and this year. . ."

"I know, Jubal. Some things like this are tough to deal with. Have you been speaking to a counselor?"

Jubal shook his head.

"You know, talking things out with someone can really help you to work through them. You may want to consider having Joey look into that for you."

"Okay."

"Well, this really is goodbye, Jubal. You know everything I can teach you. You'll have a great time in the high school next year."

"I hope so."

***
"Mr. Franks, come, have a seat."

"Hello, Mrs. Presman. Why so formal this year?"

"Supposedly it shows more respect for the student."

"I much prefer you to call me Jubal, Mrs. Presman. It makes me feel more comfortable."

"Ok, Jubal. I can do that for you. So, I hear that you finally got algebra."

"Yep." Jubal said with a smile. It wasn't anywhere near to where it had been. The infectious joy was missing.

"Then I see no choice but to move you up to the high school next year. You will be the youngest one there, but not the only young student. A number of students come to us after homeschooling and are put into high school early."

"Okay. How early."

"The second youngest freshman is eleven, turning twelve next school year."

"Ok, so it's just like I'm used to. Being four to six years younger than everyone else."

"High school is a bit different, though. Be careful, okay?"

"I'll try."

***
Jubal ran. He felt free and alive so he ran.

In the morning he would get up early, before Mama Joey woke up, and begin running. He made a couple of laps around the block, just enough to start feeling awake and fatigued at the same time, and then he'd walk back to the house.

After breakfast he would run over to Georges house, and they would play x-box or do something else like that.

Today was a bit different.

"What is that?" Jubal said pointing to the weight bench that George was putting together.

"It's for lifting weights, to get stronger."

"Oh," Jubal replied, not understanding more than that.

"You run a lot, right?"

"Yeah."

"And as you continue to run, you are able to run further and longer that you could when you started, right?"

"Sure."

"Lifting weights is just like that. You train yourself with weights so you can lift more longer."

"Oh. okay. Can I lift with you?"

George's dad chose this time to come in.

"Sure, Jubal, just realize that we will only have you lifting a little bit. You still have a lot of growing to do before you can start packing on the muscle."

"Okay!" Jubal's smile almost made it's way back to infectious.

***
"Hello, Jubal, or do you prefer Marie, or something else entirely?"

"You sure ask a lot of question, don't you?"

"Occupational hazard. Do you know what that means?"

"Dr. Rath, I may be seven, but I'm going to high school in the fall, so can we cut all the talking down and get to the real reason I'm here?"

Dr. Rath opened his eyes wide for a moment, then regained his composure and continued, "when Joey called me and told me that you were smart, I thought smart for a kid. Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed."

"It's alright, Dr. Rath. Happens to the best of us."

Dr. Rath was about to get a little upset, but then he realized he was being teased, by a seven year old.

"My, but aren't you the witty one."

"Yep, I've been called that, and much worse besides."

"So, tell me about Marie."

"Would you mind if we don't talk about that? Please?"

"Jubal, I know that some things are difficult to talk about, and well table this topic for now, but to get to the root of everything that's going on right now, we will need to talk about Marie sometime."

Jubal squirmed a bit, showing his physical age, so Dr. Rath tried a different approach, "okay, I see I'm making you uncomfortable, but I just want to let you know that this is your decision, and no one else's. You can't let what a few people have implied or suggested change what you believe in your heart to be true."

Jubal looked at Dr. Rath questioningly.

"I know that until you came to live with Joey, that you wore a nightgown every night. Probably because it's comfortable."

"How do you know?"

"Because Mrs. Rath tells me so. She even wanted me to try wearing one once. She thought I might understand some of my clients better."

"Did you? Wear a nightgown?"

"Ah, see that would be talking about me. We're here to talk about you. If you ask me my credentials, I will give them to you, like I do all my patients, even if that is only from personal experience."

"Okay, but some day you have to tell me."

"Curious about that, huh? Why do you think that is?"

"Well, um, because I miss wearing my nightgown. . ."

"Ah, and you feel if a grown man can wear a nightgown, then so can you?"

Jubal nodded silently.

"Jubal, you'll come to realize that this life is not a simple matter of mimicking the actions of others. Sometimes you have to stand out to be yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"How many eight year olds will there be in the high school?"

"One."

"So, are you going to go back to third grade to be with people your own age? Follow their example for dealing with school?"

"No, because I need to be in high school to learn more about the world."

"And social behavior is much the same. What someone else does, or doesn't do, may be the exact opposite of what is right for you."

"But, the other kids all seem to try to fit into proper groups. The girls act one way, and the boys another."

"Is that really the case? Think about it, Jubal. Do all of the girls act the same, as a mass?"

"Well, Emily has really short hair all the time, and she only ever wears pants. A lot of the other girls wear skirts."

"Can you think of other things that Emily does that aren't the same as what the girls do?"

"Yeah, she was always trying to get with the boy's teams in P.E. You know when all the P.E. classes got together on the same field."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Some of the guys said it was because she was boy crazy."

"Well, examine that. Does it fit the evidence?"

"What do you mean, Dr. Rath."

"So, she wanted to play with the boys to be closer to the boys. Did she get closer to the boys?"

"No. They were upset because she was better than half of them."

"So, she outperformed a lot of the boys?"

"Yeah."

"And the boys didn't like her for it?"

"Right."

"Well, if she wanted to be with the boys, then don't you think she would have performed less well?"

"But then she wouldn't be giving it her best effort."

"Yes, but she'd be achieving her other goal of getting with the boys."

A light dawned on Jubal, and he had a little smile on his face, "I see what you mean now. We can have conflicting goals. If she really wanted to get noticed by the boys, out doing them isn't the best way. Girls like Katie who wear skirts and stuff are the ones who get noticed."

"So, what other reason could she have for wanting to play on the boys teams."

"She was weightlifting."

"What?"

"Sorry, I don't mean she was 'weightlifting' weightlifting, I meant that she was pushing herself. Trying to improve. She was better than most of the girls, and so she wanted to be with the boys so that she had something heavier to work against. Like when I run an extra lap of the block."

"That is certainly a very big part of why she was doing that. Can you think of any other reason she might do that. Be with the boys."

"Because. . .she feels more comfortable with the boys than the girls?" Jubal said in a small voice.

"Yes, Jubal. That is likely a big part of it. She feels more comfortable with the boys."

"Does that mean she should be a boy instead?"

"Here we're getting ahead of ourselves, Jubal. There is so much that goes into gender identity, that a few small clues will never bring us to a full understanding. It is not a matter of black or white, yes or no, male or female."

"I don't understand."

"And it may be years before you do, but gender is not the same thing as sex. For most people they are either male, physically, or female."

"I know, but I've got a bit of both."

"Yes, you do, Jubal. A persons sex is physical and genetic. It is how they look and smell and develop."

"Boys and girls smell differently?"

Dr. Rath smiled, "most people spell differently, but there are commonalities between most men and most women, yes."

"Cool."

"Gender is not so limited as one or another, Jubal. Gender is about how we feel, and what we like. It is about perceptions as well. Things we define as 'female' tend to become the definition of female to us."

"Like wearing dresses, and being wives, and having long hair, and being able to hug anyone for any reason?"

Dr. Rath smiled at Jubal for this. "Yes, like being able to hug anyone for any reason. But determining what gender you more associate with isn't as simple as creating a tally sheet and marking down a check under female for your female traits and a check under male for your male ones, and then determining which one has more tick marks."

"Why not?"

"Because that would be too easy, and people like me would be out of a job."

Jubal laughed at that.

"More seriously, Jubal, Being male or female in front of the world is more about which one feels more right. It is an emotional thing more than a logical one."

"Oh." The smile left Jubal's face and he looked intently at the floor.

"But that's why people like me really exist. It is hard for us to untangle our emotions from each other. Talking about it helps. Especially with someone who has some understanding about how emotions shape us."

"Do you have that understanding, Dr. Rath."

"Sometimes I think so. Others. . .I'm not so sure. I can listen to you though. Just talk to me about what you want. I'm done teaching for the moment."

"Ok, Dr. Rath. I want to tell you about my first dolly."

***
Joey was waiting for him when he emerged, and she put down the out of date, and much read, magazine.

"Did it go well, honey?"

"Really well, Mama Joey."

Jubal was silent for a moment, just standing there in the waiting room, looking really uneasy.

"Jubal honey, what is it?"

"Can I start wearing my night gown again?"

Joey smiled down at the boy and took him into a hug. "Of course you can, Jubal. Whatever you want."

"Then I still want to go to school as Jubal."

"Ok, sweetie. We can do that."

***
Light from the monitors was the only thing that illuminated the man sitting in the room. He smiled listening to the playback from today's take.

Surveillance was what he did. It was his life. Listening to people, when they didn't know he was listening? It gave him a small thrill. He preferred listening to girls, but he could live with the current target, especially since it seemed as if she was beginning to become more of a girl again.

Mr. Hastings would be pleased.

Lately, the take from the surveillance of his son had made Mr. Hastings more and more angry. Especially when he became aware that his son Aaron wasn't as heterosexual as he claimed.

Well, there were thing in the works that the man wasn't supposed to know about. Rumblings on the horizon. Things that would change the entire world.

After all, surveillance was his life.

***
School couldn't come soon enough, and Jubal was happy to be returning. High school. More individualized classes. More science classes. He was already signed up for three AP science classes this year, and there was a possibility of his actually starting on some college courses through concurrent enrolment next year.

He was happy with the world, even if he wasn't quite as happy as he used to be.

"Hey, shrimp!"

"I'm not a shrimp, I'm seven."

George laughed at their frequent greeting from the summer. He'd bulked up a bit, and had hopes of making the freshman football team, or maybe even the JV team.

Jubal was thinking of trying to run track even though he knew there was no way he was fast enough. Simply too small.

"Hey, George."

George's mouth hung open, and he couldn't speak.

"Dude, it's just Katie."

George went bright red, "Tell me that when you hit puberty, shrimp. You look very nice today, Katie."

It was her turn to blush, "I'm glad you like it."

"Hey, guys. The warning bell has already rung. I don't know about you two, but I don't want to be late on my first day of high school."

The two of them laughed and followed Jubal into the building.