Double Dare 5 — Dare to be Me by Maeryn Lamonte Steven has discovered that it takes more than putting on a skirt to become a girl, and more than becoming a girl to become accepted. He thought he'd found a way to make his life better but it just got a lot worse. The question is does he have any friends left

-oOo-

The kiss ended leaving me dazed and confused. Portia led me out of the toilet and to the front desk.

“Excuse me miss.”

“Hello Portia, why aren't you two in class?”

“Sorry miss but Stephanie's really upset. I couldn't leave her.”

I was confused. Was I Steven or Stephanie?

“Oh you poor thing, you've been crying.”

Yheah, like I don't know that.

“Would you like to come over here and sit for a while?”

I clung onto Portia. She was the only life raft in the ship wreck of my life.

“It's alright dear, your friend can stay too. Portia, what's the matter with... her.” I guess the penny had just dropped. “Oh, you're that boy who wants to be a girl, aren't you?”

I nodded dumbly. No point in denying it. Suddenly she wanted me to be somebody else's problem.

“Wait here, I'll see if the headmaster is free.”

She disappeared down a short corridor and came back a moment later.

“He says to come through, both of you.”

This time he actually waved at the chairs, probably because there was a real girl present. No I'm not jealous, not much you bigot. Sorry not you, I meant the head.

“What's this all about then? Why aren't you two in class?”

“I'm sorry sir but Stephanie and I are in the same class for period four. I knew she was in school today and when I didn't see her in the class I asked a few of my friends. They said they'd seen her really upset and I couldn't leave her on her own, so I went looking for her.”

“Did you ask permission?”

“I'm sorry sir, I was too worried about Steph here.”

I guess I'm Stephanie then. So what was all that Steven stuff back in the bogs?

“And you then, Stev... Stephanie. Why weren't you in class?”

Well if I was going to be Stephanie, I might as well enjoy some of the privileges. I burst into tears. Portia put her arm around me and pulled me close.

“I'm sorry sir, she's had a really tough week. People have been tripping her up and calling her names. Spitting on her even.”

“Is this true?”

I managed to nod, but the tears were such a welcome release.

“I don't know what pushed her over the edge today sir, but you can see why I couldn't leave her to deal with it on her own.”

“Yes I suppose so. Ste...phanie, should I call your parents?”

“M-m-my m-m-m-mummy doesn't have a car and my d-daddy works a long way away.”

“I know where she lives sir, I could take her home.”

“It's not as simple as that I'm afraid. I can't let you leave school early unless one of your parent's comes and collects you. Would you like me to call your mother?”

I didn't know how to answer. All I knew is that I wanted Portia there. She was all that was holding me together right then.

“I think it would be a good idea sir.” Portia taking control again. Then to me, “I'll come round and see you after school if that's okay.”

I nodded, but clung to her all the more strongly. The head's face was twitching. I could almost hear the words in his head. Something unhelpful like 'pull yourself together boy and stop acting like such a girl.'

“Okay, then I think you two had better wait in the nurse's room. Who's your teacher this period?”

“Mr Jensen sir.”

“Mr Jensen. I'll have words with him, let him know what you were up to. We'll let it go with a warning this time, eh Miss Allen? But next time you get permission before you leave a lesson.”

“Yes sir, thank-you sir.”

Yeah, like any teacher would let someone leave class because one of her friends was upset.

“Okay, go wait in the nurse's room. Portia, when the bell goes I expect you to go to your last lesson alright? That's whether or not Ste..phanie's mother has arrived and whether or not h..she is fit to be left. The nurse is around somewhere and there are other staff members who can look out for h.her. You need to be in lessons.”

“Yes sir, thank-you sir.”

It's kind of a game you play with them. Teachers I mean. They know you don't mean it when you say the words, but as long as the words are right, there's nothing they can do about it. Portia was a master at the game because most teachers couldn't tell if she was being genuine or cheeky. We retreated from the head's office and went in search of the nurse's station. Still empty so either an emergency elsewhere on site or she was off hiding somewhere sucking on a cancer stick. Either way I suppose you could count it an emergency.

“Are you going to be okay Steven?”

Oh so I'm Steven again now? I think she noticed the slight huff. Girls are sensitive to things like that and good at guessing the reason.

“Look it's easier not to twist things too quick for adults, they don't like sudden change. You came to school on Tuesday asking to be called Stephanie and that's how you've been all week. If I start calling you Steven now they'll just get confused. Besides it's still your choice who you want to be. I'm just hoping you'll let me talk to you about it sometime real soon.”

“How about now?”

The bell for final period went off just then. Talk about lousy timing.

“Look, I gotta go fetch my bag and apologise to Butt Face before going to maths. I'll come round as soon as school's over if that's okay?”

The idea of Portia coming round this afternoon was very welcome. I gave her a weak smile and a slightly stronger nod before she ran off.

Oh, I should explain; Butt Face from Button as in Jenson Button. Formula one driver? Mr Jensen is Butt Face.

-oOo-

It was getting on for five o'clock by the time Portia came round. She'd popped home to drop off her bag and change, then spent ten minutes explaining to her mum exactly who was upset and why before she could wiggle out the door.

I was lying on my bed wearing a pair of jeans — no, they were Steven's; the girls ad only lent me skirts and dresses — and the top my Mum had bought me on Monday. The bra was off and my pseudo-boobs were somewhere in the corner of the room where I'd chucked them. They weren't part of me anyway.

No I don't know why I chose that top. It was soft and a really pretty colour and it smelt nice. Any or all of the above.

Anyway Portia knocked on the door and stuck her head through with a soft, concerned 'hi'.

“Your mum wants to know if you'd like anything to eat or drink. She's kind of freaking out downstairs you know? Ooh wow, nice top.”

“Yeah, it has a skirt that goes with it.”

I went to the wardrobe, unhooked it from its hangar, held it in front of me.

“Well come on girlfriend, let's see it on.”

I shrugged and dropped my jeans. Underneath I was wearing a pair of soft, white cotton panties with embroidered flowers on and a pair of nude, satin sheen tights. They were the same underwear and hosiery that I'd worn to school today. They felt nice so I hadn't bothered to change out of them. The skirt slid up and into place. It fell to mid-thigh in generous folds; not that long, but it looked really good.

“Wow that really suits you. You have great legs you know.”

I slumped back down onto the bed, as confused and dejected as ever.

“I don't get it. Are you here for Stephanie or Steven?”

“Neither. Both. It's kind of confusing. Look your mum's made more of that lemonade. I don't know about you, but I'm thirsty. Shall we go downstairs?”

“Like this or should I change?”

“Whatever makes you feel most comfortable, and I suppose least like either Steven or Stephanie.”

“I don't understand.”

“I'm not sure I do, but I think between us we can figure something out. Look I'm going to go back downstairs and leave you to decide, but don't take forever over it because if you're still up here in ten minutes I'm coming back up and I'll drag you downstairs whatever state you're in, even if you're stripped to your bra and panties.”

There was a good natured twinkle in her eyes as she said it, but I found myself believing every word.

Once I was back on my own, I thought about things for a while and decided that there was a reason I had dressed as I had that afternoon, so I exchanged the skirt for my jeans again then followed my visitor downstairs.

I found her chatting to my Mum in the kitchen, a half glass of lemonade in her hand. I filled one for myself from the jug on the table, causing them to turn round. My mum's eyes were red and puffy and I felt pang of guilt, knowing full well that I had caused of her tears.

“Hi sweetie.” She snuffled into her tissue and braved a smile. “Why don't you two go outside and enjoy the weather while it lasts?”

Fine by me. Our garden wasn't overlooked so there was no chance of anyone seeing me in my mix and muddle outfit. I slipped on my school flats, for want of something better to put on my feet, and Portia and I stepped out into the garden.

We sat in silence for a while, me totally lost in the turbulence of my own thoughts, Portia trying to put hers in order. There was no question that she was going to be the first person to speak here, but bets were being taken as to exactly when that might be. She seemed to reach a point of commitment.

“I don't know if you've noticed, but I've changed a bit over these past two weeks as well.”

Now that she mentioned it there was something different about her. I suppose before all this had started she had been gliding along in social strata so far above my own sub-bedrock levels that I hadn't really taken the time to notice her that much. I'd heard people talk about her through and I didn't see anything of the callous bitch they'd described.

“I guess, but I didn't really know you before two weeks ago.”

“No I suppose you didn't. I'm kind of glad in a way because I wasn't a very nice person. Life has a tendency to do that to you if you're not careful.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well... I didn't ask to be popular you know. It's just that I'm kind of good looking which makes me a bit of a hunk magnet, so all the girls want to know me and be like me in the hope that something of it rubs off. The thing is having everyone in the school wanting to be friends with you isn't all it's cracked up to be. You get to realise that the reason people want to be with you is so they can get something from you, so you start hanging out with the people most like you — aka Amanda, Jenny and Debs — and you develop a kind of a buffer against everyone else.

“The guys are worse. The hunks seem to fit into two categories. Either they're Neanderthal sub-humans whose idea of a good time is drinking beer and farting, or they're self-absorbed narcissists who expect you to be grateful for letting you be in their company; and yes I am aware of the irony in that statement. The rest of the male population seems to lose the power of coherent speech and/or become spectacularly clumsy whenever they realise I'm around. So you kind of become a bitch by way of self-defense.”

“Okay.”

“When Matt and Jon suggested setting you up over the dare thing, all I knew of you was that you were a prime candidate for the babbling senselessly, trips over his own feet type of loser, and I really didn't feel any qualms about going through with it and humiliating you. It would kind of act as a warning to others like you to stay clear. I'm afraid I didn't really see you as a person at all.

“But then you really surprised me. I knew you'd agreed to do anything I said if I said I'd go out with you, and the whole 'you gotta wear a dress' thing was just me getting warmed up. I don't know quite where I was going with it, except that it was going to be utterly bad for you. But you took control. I was expecting you to be all like 'whoah, no way' and going red and stuff, but you turned it around by agreeing straight away and setting a few conditions of your own.

“None of the guys I've ever been with would have been prepared to do anything so self-belittling just to spend some time with me, and I wondered if maybe you weren't such a loser after all. I mean when we got you round to my place and dolled you up, the four of us still had it in mind to make things as embarrassing as possible for you. After all you might still turn out to be a wimp and it's best not to set yourself up for a disappointment. So we made you as pink and frilly and sweet smelling as we could, and you surprised us again. Instead of turning into this totally humiliated boy in a dress, you really got into the whole evening. So much so that the other girls wanted to tag along with our newest girlfriend to see how it would go, and you agreed. What had started out as a really weird pseudo-date became a great girls night out. I mean you didn't even try to make out with me in the cinema as we'd agreed, and you don't know how much you went up in my estimation when you chose not to do that.

“We heard about what Matt and Jon had done, they even sent us the photos. You were so convincing that you really had to look to see who you were and that you weren't a girl. I knew they were going to take their revenge on you, so the girls and I decided to turn the whole thing back on them with our little stunt on Monday morning. We kind of did it for Stephanie who had been such a good sport. Since she and Steven were stuck in the same body, we figured helping one would be helping the other.

“Then there was the sleepover. There was something about you, the way you made the whole of Friday evening so much fun. I didn't want you to sink back into the social netherworld, but I couldn't figure out how to keep you around, until Amanda suggested that Stephanie should come to the slumber party, and that was just perfect. You already had the dress on you and we could spend the week coaching you and getting you ready to be all girl again in front of my parents. When the Stephanie side of you started coming out at school, even with you being obviously a boy, I didn't know what to make of it. Then at the sleep over, not only were you so totally girl that all our plans to cover for any little mistakes you might make became totally redundant, but you went on to tell us that your parents had agreed to let you try being a girl full time since it seemed to made you so much happier.

“The others were so excited. They liked Stephanie. Well let's face it, they never really met Steven like I did in the cafeteria. They wanted to help you in every way possible, lend you the clothes, get you the girl's uniform and everything. I don't know, something didn't feel right to me but I couldn't figure out what. You were so excited at the prospect of becoming someone different though, I couldn't not help you, even with my misgivings.

“I asked the others to stand by you on Tuesday and they didn't take any persuading, but then we didn't expect that big of a reaction. I had no idea we had so many jerks in our school. I mean I remember when that Downs kid came a few years back and there were a bunch of idiots who gobbed on him too. That was horrible, but I didn't do anything about it back then either. Eventually his parents had to take him out of the school and find somewhere else for him, do you remember?”

I nodded. We'd both been a lot younger then and not in any position to stand up for him in any case, but I remember my anger and frustration at what the kid had gone through. He was happy and friendly when he first arrived. Not so when he left. I guess I had first-hand experience of what he experienced now and it brought tears to my eyes as I thought about him, even worse equipped to deal with the persecution than I was.

“I knew the girls were finding it tough, going from being the most popular in the school to virtual outcast by associating with you. We all would have stuck by you if you hadn't told us to leave you alone on Tuesday. I hope you don't hate Mandy, Debs and Jen for the way they've been talking about you this week. I know you've heard some of it and it must have hurt. They feel horribly guilty about it, but they can't cope with being side-lined and the only way back into social approval is to show that they have nothing to do with you anymore.”

I shook my head.

“I know. The whole reason they're having to fight their way back in is because they stuck by me in the first place. You're right it hurts, but I don't want them to suffer because of my decisions and my actions. This is kind of my fight and I'd rather my friends didn't get hurt over my actions.”

She kissed me on the cheek and smiled through her tears.

“You're amazing, you know that? I was so right about you.”

I raised a hand to my cheek, still unsure exactly what I'd done to deserve that.

“What do you mean? How were you right about me?”

“You're an amazingly strong and selfless person. You have guts enough to hold your own even when the whole school's against you, and you put yourself in other peoples shoes; try to understand how they feel, why they behave the way they do. You don't judge people on the way they make you feel. You are such an incredible, incredibly beautiful person.

“I think that's why I've fallen in love with you.”

How is it that my response to a statement like that felt so much like dread? Is it because I didn't dare believe it, because when something this wonderful comes along, it's usually followed by something equally dreadful, or is it just that I'm so afraid I'm not the person she thinks I am and I can't face disappointing her?

She reached over and took my hand.

“I realised what it was that made me feel so unsettled at the sleepover, you know when you said that you were going to become Stephanie full time.”

“What?” I still couldn't believe she was holding my hand.

“I realised that while I liked Stephanie, I actually loved Steven. Then I realised even that wasn't it totally.”

“I'm sorry, I'm lost here.”

“We saw you change back from Stephanie to Steven quite a few times when you left us round my place. It was kind of a physical transformation, almost. You'd start off being bright and perky, standing straight, smiling, joking with us, and by the time you reached the end of the road you were slouched, head down, hiding from the world and so sad and angry. We made the mistake of thinking it was either or, which is why the girls at least were so keen to help you become the Stephie we all knew and care about. I think I only finally figured out this week when I saw you falling apart under the combined onslaught of nearly the whole school that you aren't Stephanie, and you aren't Steven either. You're both of them. If you try to be either one on his or her own, you're only acknowledging part of yourself.

“As Steven you keep part of yourself hidden away because you realise that no-one will accept her. Because there is a her in you Stevie. She's not all of you, but she's a big enough part that you can't keep her buried. But you can't let her take over either, because, while she's fun to be with, she doesn't have Steven's resilience. I suspect she might have a tendency to be judgmental as well if she were allowed.

“Like I said, I fell in love with Steven, and I really like Stephanie, but I'm afraid if you keep those two parts of yourself separate, you'll tear yourself apart and you'll never find either happiness or acceptance. Except by me of course, I love you as you are, but I would so very much love to see you how you could be.”

“So what are you asking me to do?”

“Oh, you are so thick sometimes. Be Steven. Be Stephanie. Be them both at the same time. Look you don't really fit in as Steven because you only show half of who you are. You definitely don't fit in as Stephanie because most of the people we know have their heads so far up their backsides that they can't even conceive of a beautiful, wonderful girl existing inside the body of a man. So if they're not going to accept you in either of the guises that you put forward for their approval, I say stuff the lot of them. Be who you really are and stop trying to fit in. If I've learned anything at all from being Portia Allen it's that people stop trying to make you into something you're not when you find the inner strength not to be so affected by what they think or say.”

“So I shouldn't come to school as Stephanie?”

“You should come to school as Stevenie, or whatever we're going to call the combined you. It may be easier on everyone if you didn't wear a skirt, but right now we don't care about what anyone else thinks, so if that's what you need to do to be who you really are inside then go for it.”

“What if they don't accept me like that?”

“Then you will always have me, assuming you want me that is.”

I lifted her chin and leaned over to kiss her. It was the first time I'd actually initiated contact and it was going to be memorable. When we came up for air, she was smiling her smile, more brilliant than the sun.

Mum chose that moment to stick her head out the window.

“Does Portia want to stay for tea? We're having lasagne.”

Her smile defied all laws of physics and actually grew wider.

“I'd love to Mrs Palmer, just let me phone my Mum to check if it's okay.”

While she was dialling home I snuggled up to her ear.

“Do you fancy going out tomorrow? No idea where or when yet, just exploring possibilities.”

“Can I borrow that top and the skirt that goes with it?”

“I guess it's time we found out if you look as good in my clothes as I do in yours.”

She hit me then turned to her phone.

“Hi Mum, it's Portia...”