It's still here!

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Blame Erin (and Lainie) for this one
Blue Moon

by Donna Lamb

 
"Joel, let me in, it's dark out here."

Joel took a peek through the curtain. He thought he'd recognized the voice.

"Joel!"

He turned on the porch light to be sure. "Is that you, Richard?" Joel asked.

"Yeah, now let me in."

"Fat chance, you b-b-backstabber!" he snarled, checking to make sure the door was double locked. Joel tended to stutter when he got emotional.

"Ah, Joel, don't be like that. It's cold and it's dark out here."

"After what you did, you expect m-m-me to let you in? You've got some nerve!"

"Look it's my apartment, too. Now open this door and let me in!"

"How was your date?" Joel asked through the door. He pulled a wad of tissue out of the box and wiped his eyes and nose with it; he'd cried for hours when he'd discovered what Richard -- his best friend, Richard -- had done.

"Ah, Joel," Richard said in that sorrowful voice parents use when telling a kid that whatever the kid wants isn't good for you. "She wasn't any good for you, Joel. I took the bullet for you."

"You b-b-b-bozo! You took my car and m-my girl and now you took m-my b-b-bullet, too?" Joel screamed at him.

Richard paused before answering. "Now, guy, that didn't even make sense. Let me in and we can talk about it like reasonable people."

Joel took several deep slow breaths. "The first date I've had with an actual girl in a blue moon and you went and stole it from me! And you think I'm going to let you b-b-back in?"

"There's something seriously wrong with that girl, Joel. I couldn't let you do it."

"What? She agreed to go on a date with me, so there's something wrong with her? It's not one a.m. yet, what are you doing back so soon? I didn't have time to put out the b-b-bear trap I'd planned on!"

"She ran out on me, guy. Did the old powder her nose and took a powder schtick. After eating some powerful expensive lobster and drinking some ferocious expensive liquor, I might add."

"You didn't go to bed with her?" Joel asked.

"I didn't even get a good night handshake, guy. She stiffed me. That Sophie Drake is some seriously weird chick, dude. I took a two hundred dollar hit on the old Mastercard and she ran out on me. I am so bummed."

Joel laughed. "Richard, you are such a dick."

"I know man, now let me in."

Leaning the baseball bat against the couch, Joel undid the locks.

Richard rushed in, heading for the bathroom. "Hey thanks man, I got to get rid of some of this wine I rented."

Following the white noise of relief, Joel wandered down the hall after him.

"Ahhhh!" Richard sighed. "White wine looks the same coming out as it does going in."

Joel leaned on the doorjamb. "You really had a miserable time?"

"Totally," Richard said. "Oh, I won't lie to you, she's a total fox and she's really built! You should have seen her in that skimpy, little, red velvet dress ... ."

Joel glanced back toward the baseball bat.

"But she's seriously got some screws loose. You know what she talked about? Torture through the ages. Like how it's made a big come back because of the political situation. Creepy." He zipped himself back up.

"Well," Joel said, "she is a dental hygienist." That's where he'd met her, going in to get his teeth cleaned. All that up close intimacy had overcome his shyness and after his appointment, he'd asked her for a date.

Richard laughed and washed his hands. They wandered on into the kitchen where Joel had been brewing a pot of chamomile tea. He poured them each a cup and said, "I'm still kind of steamed at you."

"I did you a favor," Richard said, blowing on the tea.

"Well, don't do me any f-f-favors."

"Hey, you know that thing you said about a blue moon? She mentioned that, too. Seems it is a blue moon tonight, second full moon in the same month."

"That can't happen too often. Like me getting a date, it's got to be rare," said Joel.

"Uh huh, well, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, for either of us," said Richard. "I'd much rather be sleeping with a beautiful chick tonight than with you."

"So you would have slept with her?"

"Uh, yeah. She was crazy but, you know, pussy is pussy."

"You b-b-big liar!" Joel's anger came back in a rush. "You said you were doing me a favor! Some f-f-f-friend!"

"Ah, don't be like that, Joel! She would have just broken your heart."

"But you wanted to sleep with her! Don't p-pretend you're all-truistic or something!"

"Well, of course, I wish I were going to sleep with a beautiful girl tonight! Don't you?"

Joel sighed. "Yeah, more than just about anything."

-=-=-=-=-=-

Outside in the big stretch Hummer, the woman calling herself Sophie Drake looked up. She smiled. ""A Blue Moon on Strangefellows Day, that doesn't happen too often. You'd think they could be a little more creative with a wish on such a special night."

The rental limo driver's license read "Bill C. Bubb" and a trick of the moonlight seemed to show horns in the picture, but everyone knows how bad drivers' license photos can be.

The woman in the red velvet cocktail dress laughed. "Take us home, William. These boys make it just too easy to warp their simple wish."

The driver put the monster vehicle in gear, chanting, "Go directly to Hell, go directly to Hell. Do not pass God. Do not collect two souls."

Sophie sighed. "Well, at least not tonight."

From the house, as the Devil in Drag's limo drove away, a high-pitched feminine scream split the peaceful night.

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